Things I Say
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Garrett Gilchrist
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Re: Things I Say
Getting work in the creative industries is built on relationships. You can't just apply to jobs. You will make friends in Los Angeles (you won't, although many interesting and desperate people will try to kill you). Those friends will open doors for you and recommend you for jobs, as you come up in the industry together (this will never, ever happen for you). If you just put your work out there on the internet (which you're not allowed or able to do, due to NDAs, trolls and content thieves), people will see and appreciate it. (Meaning you'll get ten likes and no comments on projects you spent five years on, possibly due to algorithms). Your work will spread virally (it won't, although coronavirus will spread as you become more isolated and alone), and you'll be recommended for jobs based on that (this will never, ever happen)
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Garrett Gilchrist
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- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
"Apartments: Rent is $3500, deposit is $7,000, must make 3x the rent, no pets, no guests, no breathing, 750+ credit, app. fee is $100, repairs take 8-9 business months, rent goes up 8 times a year.
Media: What is causing the homelessness crisis? Tonight we talk to 12 landlords."
- ahouse4all on Twitter
"Why do housing applications require my friends' addresses, my previous employer's contact, what I had for lunch last Tuesday, previous housing for the past 5 years, my dog's email address, my mother's maiden name, my middle school mascot, my stripper name, and a DNA sample..." - CSharpM7
Oh, I have some apartment-rental stories that I am not making up. Let me just smoosh them all together as one.
You'll never get your security deposit back. This equals one or two months of rent. (Free space)
You will never own a home but your rent will be exponentially higher than the mortgage for someone who does own one. Utilities not included. Must have a job paying 3x rent, and references who can cosign. Either you or your cosigner must have assets in excess of 1 million dollars. You must never have been fired from a job, or left a rented apartment for any reason. We will give you a reason.
Must not work from home or be present in the apartment at any time. Must be under observation at all times. Loud upstairs neighbors. No fridge. $1200 convenience to turn on utilities. This will never be explained but it's not worth the time to fight it.
Apartment listing may be a scam. If you drive to this apartment or give them your information you will never be seen again. All listings will ask for a novel's worth of information about you, and a $100 application fee. You will not hear from most of them again.
Apartment conveniently located 2 hours drive from anywhere interesting. Your friends will never see you again. The coin laundry room has been out of order since 1993. Your neighbors, your eight roommates and local children will occasionally assault you and ask for any money we haven't taken yet. Sometimes there is hollering. Stay indoors when there's hollering.
A leaf blowing team is on hand, making noise any time you're trying to nap, and will cover your car in dirt four times a week. An entire family with two kids and a dog is living in the parking space next to you, in an SUV, but moves during daylight hours to avoid getting covered in dirt by the leaf blowing team.
Tap water has a nasty taste; advise boiling. You have eleven student housemates who play music and cook spicy food at all hours. Sometimes they have parties. Construction is somehow always going on. You discover after a month that they had a bedbug problem once and it never goes away. You will get kicked out so they can spray for bedbugs, or welcome students for the school year whom they have not told about the bedbugs. Bedbugs will follow you to the next apartment. You'll never get your security deposit back. (Free space)
Housemates and neighbors will blame you for all the problems they've ever had in life. Housemates will take your stuff if it's not bolted down. Housemates have loud all night parties three times a week. House is conveniently just a few feet away from an open-plan mental health facility so confused people who aren't fully dressed will just be wandering outside your door sometimes. Your housemates are also confused and wandering, and will be replaced once they've gone back to prison.
House is actually a family home, with two dozen people visiting including children and dogs. You have a shower curtain for privacy in a section of the living room just large enough for a mattress and nothing else. Entire family will be very confused that you're there at all, and even at night there is never quiet for more than 3 hours at a time. If you try to use the bathroom or shower you will be treated as an intruder in languages you don't speak.
Housemate A does not understand technology, will blame you for anything he can't get to work, and may barricade you in your room using duct tape and denim or whatever is on hand. If you have to pee, do it out your window as necessary. Housemate A may take you out for a drive then try to drown you, or corner you in the kitchen for a 2 hour talk about buying gold for the upcoming rapture apocalypse.
Housemate B claims to be a "Hollywood handyman." His job appears to be stealing garbage. He has nailed sharp, jagged garbage to every surface of the apartment and lives in a garbage pile. He will not let you sleep during daylight hours, or night hours. He will sometimes offer you food which tastes strongly of poison. He will offer you $50 for your car. You will say no. This car will then be destroyed in a mysterious accident which he will somehow be present for. He has Googled everything there is to know about you and thinks your skin will be a nice addition to his collection.
Housemate C has not been the same since the "accident" and will sometimes get violent and attempt to charge your door like a stampeding bull. Keep the door locked and wait it out while the cops come. The cops will bully you. Housemate D will throw things at you and say she has family who will end your life today. Housemate E is perpetually stoned and dreams of Hollywood. She has security cameras in every corner of the trailer. (You all live in a trailer.) The air conditioning is insufficient.
Neighbors are armed antivaxxers flying a Confederate flag. You have to drive to the next state to even find a grocery store. Your housemate is a felon. He's fine, but you'll be forced to leave when they force him to leave.
Housemate F claims he's a very important man in this town, with lots of connections. He winks when he says this. It will become clear that he's in the KKK, and that you're likely to "go missing" once he realizes you're not. Has long nightly conversations with the other housemates on the porch that you're expected to attend. Bigoted against all minorities, mostly listens to rap music. Bigoted against all LGBT people, mostly wears women's leggings. The sparkly kind.
Housemate H drinks fourteen beers a day and sleeps without a mattress on a pile of garbage on the floor. All his friends are heavy drug users and he will become increasingly paranoid about the fact that you aren't, and that you're trying to clean this place and keep it clean. He will eventually request a month's rent in advance as a pretext for throwing you out.
Housemates I and J have allowed their two dozen cats to urinate on every surface of the apartment. For rent they'll swipe your credit card with their own card reader, and keep the number so they can keep using your credit card number for all their purchases, for months, long after you've left, until you can get it changed.
Housemates are young men who do not wash their dishes, and have left them piling up in the sink for six months or a year, however long they've been there. You will never forget the smell for as long as you live.
Housemate K is a confused old man whose cats have been shitting in one specific room since the 90s. This was not cleaned at any point during this time. This is where you'll be staying. There is a giant pile of shit next to your bed, some of which is now very old. It is now too late to make other arrangements; nothing is open in this county past sundown. Do not eat anything he feeds you.
Housemates L and M are a couple who are currently trying to murder one another. This is loud, and violent, and taking place in the room where you are spending most of your time. This will quiet down for awhile when either one of them becomes unconscious or dead. Do not get involved.
I've been scared to share most of these stories, in case it gets back to the people I'm talking about, but it's been long enough that I'll just pretend this is funny. I have PTSD from all of this.
(My current apartment costs 10x what I'm used to - or can afford - and is much safer, but some of these annoyances are still going on.)
Media: What is causing the homelessness crisis? Tonight we talk to 12 landlords."
- ahouse4all on Twitter
"Why do housing applications require my friends' addresses, my previous employer's contact, what I had for lunch last Tuesday, previous housing for the past 5 years, my dog's email address, my mother's maiden name, my middle school mascot, my stripper name, and a DNA sample..." - CSharpM7
Oh, I have some apartment-rental stories that I am not making up. Let me just smoosh them all together as one.
You'll never get your security deposit back. This equals one or two months of rent. (Free space)
You will never own a home but your rent will be exponentially higher than the mortgage for someone who does own one. Utilities not included. Must have a job paying 3x rent, and references who can cosign. Either you or your cosigner must have assets in excess of 1 million dollars. You must never have been fired from a job, or left a rented apartment for any reason. We will give you a reason.
Must not work from home or be present in the apartment at any time. Must be under observation at all times. Loud upstairs neighbors. No fridge. $1200 convenience to turn on utilities. This will never be explained but it's not worth the time to fight it.
Apartment listing may be a scam. If you drive to this apartment or give them your information you will never be seen again. All listings will ask for a novel's worth of information about you, and a $100 application fee. You will not hear from most of them again.
Apartment conveniently located 2 hours drive from anywhere interesting. Your friends will never see you again. The coin laundry room has been out of order since 1993. Your neighbors, your eight roommates and local children will occasionally assault you and ask for any money we haven't taken yet. Sometimes there is hollering. Stay indoors when there's hollering.
A leaf blowing team is on hand, making noise any time you're trying to nap, and will cover your car in dirt four times a week. An entire family with two kids and a dog is living in the parking space next to you, in an SUV, but moves during daylight hours to avoid getting covered in dirt by the leaf blowing team.
Tap water has a nasty taste; advise boiling. You have eleven student housemates who play music and cook spicy food at all hours. Sometimes they have parties. Construction is somehow always going on. You discover after a month that they had a bedbug problem once and it never goes away. You will get kicked out so they can spray for bedbugs, or welcome students for the school year whom they have not told about the bedbugs. Bedbugs will follow you to the next apartment. You'll never get your security deposit back. (Free space)
Housemates and neighbors will blame you for all the problems they've ever had in life. Housemates will take your stuff if it's not bolted down. Housemates have loud all night parties three times a week. House is conveniently just a few feet away from an open-plan mental health facility so confused people who aren't fully dressed will just be wandering outside your door sometimes. Your housemates are also confused and wandering, and will be replaced once they've gone back to prison.
House is actually a family home, with two dozen people visiting including children and dogs. You have a shower curtain for privacy in a section of the living room just large enough for a mattress and nothing else. Entire family will be very confused that you're there at all, and even at night there is never quiet for more than 3 hours at a time. If you try to use the bathroom or shower you will be treated as an intruder in languages you don't speak.
Housemate A does not understand technology, will blame you for anything he can't get to work, and may barricade you in your room using duct tape and denim or whatever is on hand. If you have to pee, do it out your window as necessary. Housemate A may take you out for a drive then try to drown you, or corner you in the kitchen for a 2 hour talk about buying gold for the upcoming rapture apocalypse.
Housemate B claims to be a "Hollywood handyman." His job appears to be stealing garbage. He has nailed sharp, jagged garbage to every surface of the apartment and lives in a garbage pile. He will not let you sleep during daylight hours, or night hours. He will sometimes offer you food which tastes strongly of poison. He will offer you $50 for your car. You will say no. This car will then be destroyed in a mysterious accident which he will somehow be present for. He has Googled everything there is to know about you and thinks your skin will be a nice addition to his collection.
Housemate C has not been the same since the "accident" and will sometimes get violent and attempt to charge your door like a stampeding bull. Keep the door locked and wait it out while the cops come. The cops will bully you. Housemate D will throw things at you and say she has family who will end your life today. Housemate E is perpetually stoned and dreams of Hollywood. She has security cameras in every corner of the trailer. (You all live in a trailer.) The air conditioning is insufficient.
Neighbors are armed antivaxxers flying a Confederate flag. You have to drive to the next state to even find a grocery store. Your housemate is a felon. He's fine, but you'll be forced to leave when they force him to leave.
Housemate F claims he's a very important man in this town, with lots of connections. He winks when he says this. It will become clear that he's in the KKK, and that you're likely to "go missing" once he realizes you're not. Has long nightly conversations with the other housemates on the porch that you're expected to attend. Bigoted against all minorities, mostly listens to rap music. Bigoted against all LGBT people, mostly wears women's leggings. The sparkly kind.
Housemate H drinks fourteen beers a day and sleeps without a mattress on a pile of garbage on the floor. All his friends are heavy drug users and he will become increasingly paranoid about the fact that you aren't, and that you're trying to clean this place and keep it clean. He will eventually request a month's rent in advance as a pretext for throwing you out.
Housemates I and J have allowed their two dozen cats to urinate on every surface of the apartment. For rent they'll swipe your credit card with their own card reader, and keep the number so they can keep using your credit card number for all their purchases, for months, long after you've left, until you can get it changed.
Housemates are young men who do not wash their dishes, and have left them piling up in the sink for six months or a year, however long they've been there. You will never forget the smell for as long as you live.
Housemate K is a confused old man whose cats have been shitting in one specific room since the 90s. This was not cleaned at any point during this time. This is where you'll be staying. There is a giant pile of shit next to your bed, some of which is now very old. It is now too late to make other arrangements; nothing is open in this county past sundown. Do not eat anything he feeds you.
Housemates L and M are a couple who are currently trying to murder one another. This is loud, and violent, and taking place in the room where you are spending most of your time. This will quiet down for awhile when either one of them becomes unconscious or dead. Do not get involved.
I've been scared to share most of these stories, in case it gets back to the people I'm talking about, but it's been long enough that I'll just pretend this is funny. I have PTSD from all of this.
(My current apartment costs 10x what I'm used to - or can afford - and is much safer, but some of these annoyances are still going on.)
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Garrett Gilchrist
- Site Admin
- Posts: 8076
- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
ERIC CLAPTON: I am a piss-drinking racist. Please enjoy my hit songs, "Boy I sure love cocaine," "I'm gonna bang George Harrison's wife," and "I'm sad that I killed my son"
BOOMERS: This man is God, to me
BOOMERS: This man is God, to me
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Garrett Gilchrist
- Site Admin
- Posts: 8076
- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
Twitter is getting weird. Someone just tried to insult me by posting one of my more popular pieces of art. It's an older piece, but like, yes, I drew that, and a lot of people liked it, and it is definitely cool and good. I have accomplished cool and good things in my life, oops!
[I hope they kept going like that. Really leaned into it. Like they're trying to insult me, but just saying how smart, funny and talented I am. About my many years as a professional illustrator and writer, and my innovative and influential work in film and animation restoration.]
[I hope they kept going like that. Really leaned into it. Like they're trying to insult me, but just saying how smart, funny and talented I am. About my many years as a professional illustrator and writer, and my innovative and influential work in film and animation restoration.]
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Garrett Gilchrist
- Site Admin
- Posts: 8076
- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
there seems to be a thin layer of respectability in UK politics that isn't present in the same way in the US. far-right politicians and influencers end up saying "actually I'm a progressive feminist working for the people giving common sense advice that everyone can believe in"
and it's this huge scandal if they say what they actually obviously believe, before the public is ready for it, even as they're gradually getting people ready for it
and I think the UK gets in a position where they think they have more control over politicians than ... maybe they actually do. because it seems to be the same bullshit deep down
but in the US they're more open about it, and we feel powerless against it
I think the UK is powerless too, it's clearly been the same grift for awhile
and it's this huge scandal if they say what they actually obviously believe, before the public is ready for it, even as they're gradually getting people ready for it
and I think the UK gets in a position where they think they have more control over politicians than ... maybe they actually do. because it seems to be the same bullshit deep down
but in the US they're more open about it, and we feel powerless against it
I think the UK is powerless too, it's clearly been the same grift for awhile
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Garrett Gilchrist
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- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
They lost the fight against gay marriage, so they've turned to trans people with the same "arguments" about "protecting the children." They want to eradicate trans people --and LGBT people generally, but they think trans people are more vulnerable and therefore a better target. They're going on about high school sports as if that matters to anyone nationally, because they think it's an argument they can win. An argument about something frivolous, as a wedge issue to take rights away from LGBT people generally.
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Garrett Gilchrist
- Site Admin
- Posts: 8076
- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
Anonymous asks:
"Tygerbug" is one of the names I've used online since the late 90s on AOL, when I was a teenager (born 1981). Sometime between 1996 and 1999. You'll pardon the outdated references for that reason.
I first got online properly and was making webpages around 1997. For no special reason, I chose the name "Ambush Bug," a D-list DC comics character who I had a "Secret Origins" issue of in my comic collection.
"Tyger" is from the William Blake poem (1794).
"When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?"
"Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?"
I vaguely recall that some years later I visited a museum and viewed William Blake's illuminated manuscripts from the Songs of Innocence and Experience. I don't know where or when. Possibly The Met in New York around 2010.
I set up two webpages then, in 1997 on AOL. One was a small fanpage for Monty Python, which became PythoNET, and was the #1 Monty Python fansite for awhile. It reflected my interest in obscure media, as it was largely a catalogue of rare Python-related projects I'd managed to track down via bootleg VHS.
I now run a Facebook Group called "Knights of the Lost Media (Obscure TV and Film)," and restore film and video.
The other website I set up was dedicated to "Dr. Fred's Amazing Exploding Cow Show," a no-budget sketch comedy series I was making at the time, inspired by Monty Python. I was 15 or 16, and this was very nearly my first attempt to make a movie.
I'd bought a cheap rubber tiger mask, the sort that only cover the face. I'd paired it with a helmet to cover my hair, and waddled on my knees doing a vague impression of Tony the Tiger, to introduce the next sketch. I would keep doing cameos as this character, who was barely a character and more of a visual gag.
We made seven comedy features on home video at the time, with my friends in Connecticut. They were shot on 8mm or Hi8 video, without digital editing. Three were Dr. Fred movies and the others might as well have been. I was between 15 and 19 years old.
I was trying to learn how to make movies, and being very silly about it. I kept the Tiger around as my logo for awhile when making movies in the early 2000s.
I left Connecticut for film school in Los Angeles in 1999, a decision I immediately regretted.
I've kept the name all these years.
Another name I've used online is "OCPmovie," which stands for "Orange Cow Productions" movies.
When I was about twelve I was given an orange Nickelodeon cow pin, and as a joke I would use it to control my friend David. "The orange cow commands you," that sort of thing.
I continued to control my friend David for awhile, when we made the "Dr. Fred" comedy movies together.
In my early teens, I wrote a little book of philosophical poems from the point of view of a cow. Living in harmony with nature, and being happy with what you have. That sort of thing. It was called "The Tao of Cow" and I revised and republished it when I was in my early twenties.
I used the name "Orange Cow Productions" for my early attempts at movies and other creative endeavors, because it felt more spiritual or philosophical than just saying "Garrett Gilchrist Productions," because it was a reference to a particular philosophy I'd had when I was younger. I kept the "cow in a robe" around as my logo for ages.
My website is still at orangecow. org.
These are not the names I would choose now, if I were starting again, but I've never felt any particular need to change them either. At least it reminds me of how it all started.
Out of pure curiosity, what's the origin of the title "tygerbug"? For some reason it makes me think of "snug-as-a-bug" but I'm sure there's a more interesting story involved.
"Tygerbug" is one of the names I've used online since the late 90s on AOL, when I was a teenager (born 1981). Sometime between 1996 and 1999. You'll pardon the outdated references for that reason.
I first got online properly and was making webpages around 1997. For no special reason, I chose the name "Ambush Bug," a D-list DC comics character who I had a "Secret Origins" issue of in my comic collection.
"Tyger" is from the William Blake poem (1794).
"When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?"
"Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?"
I vaguely recall that some years later I visited a museum and viewed William Blake's illuminated manuscripts from the Songs of Innocence and Experience. I don't know where or when. Possibly The Met in New York around 2010.
I set up two webpages then, in 1997 on AOL. One was a small fanpage for Monty Python, which became PythoNET, and was the #1 Monty Python fansite for awhile. It reflected my interest in obscure media, as it was largely a catalogue of rare Python-related projects I'd managed to track down via bootleg VHS.
I now run a Facebook Group called "Knights of the Lost Media (Obscure TV and Film)," and restore film and video.
The other website I set up was dedicated to "Dr. Fred's Amazing Exploding Cow Show," a no-budget sketch comedy series I was making at the time, inspired by Monty Python. I was 15 or 16, and this was very nearly my first attempt to make a movie.
I'd bought a cheap rubber tiger mask, the sort that only cover the face. I'd paired it with a helmet to cover my hair, and waddled on my knees doing a vague impression of Tony the Tiger, to introduce the next sketch. I would keep doing cameos as this character, who was barely a character and more of a visual gag.
We made seven comedy features on home video at the time, with my friends in Connecticut. They were shot on 8mm or Hi8 video, without digital editing. Three were Dr. Fred movies and the others might as well have been. I was between 15 and 19 years old.
I was trying to learn how to make movies, and being very silly about it. I kept the Tiger around as my logo for awhile when making movies in the early 2000s.
I left Connecticut for film school in Los Angeles in 1999, a decision I immediately regretted.
I've kept the name all these years.
Another name I've used online is "OCPmovie," which stands for "Orange Cow Productions" movies.
When I was about twelve I was given an orange Nickelodeon cow pin, and as a joke I would use it to control my friend David. "The orange cow commands you," that sort of thing.
I continued to control my friend David for awhile, when we made the "Dr. Fred" comedy movies together.
In my early teens, I wrote a little book of philosophical poems from the point of view of a cow. Living in harmony with nature, and being happy with what you have. That sort of thing. It was called "The Tao of Cow" and I revised and republished it when I was in my early twenties.
I used the name "Orange Cow Productions" for my early attempts at movies and other creative endeavors, because it felt more spiritual or philosophical than just saying "Garrett Gilchrist Productions," because it was a reference to a particular philosophy I'd had when I was younger. I kept the "cow in a robe" around as my logo for ages.
My website is still at orangecow. org.
These are not the names I would choose now, if I were starting again, but I've never felt any particular need to change them either. At least it reminds me of how it all started.
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Garrett Gilchrist
- Site Admin
- Posts: 8076
- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
A belief that Affirmative Action has negatively affected them, giving "undeserved" opportunities to minorities that "should have" gone to them (like being accepted to their chosen college) is common among white, male Republicans who are also stupider than the average dog.
This is how bigotry works, and why clownish imbeciles like Donald Trump and Elon Musk are such powerful figureheads on the right. In their minds, the dumbest rich white guy must always be given every possible opportunity, before the most deserving member of any minority.
This is how bigotry works, and why clownish imbeciles like Donald Trump and Elon Musk are such powerful figureheads on the right. In their minds, the dumbest rich white guy must always be given every possible opportunity, before the most deserving member of any minority.
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Garrett Gilchrist
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- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
Old man says to the talent agent, I've got the wildest act you've ever seen.
Whole family gets up onstage and does absolutely nothing for four years.
That's a hell of an act, says the agent. What do you call it?
"The Democrats!"
Whole family gets up onstage and does absolutely nothing for four years.
That's a hell of an act, says the agent. What do you call it?
"The Democrats!"
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Garrett Gilchrist
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- Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:23 am
Re: Things I Say
I'm just far enough from Los Angeles proper that there is absolutely nothing to do. In the early days of the pandemic this was a blessing, and the pandemic is still going, but one does wish to actually do things from time to time. I'm okay with being isolated until it starts to feel like that's the only option. I generally felt in Los Angeles that I was wasting my time at events, because no one was really treating me as a human being. But it was nice to have the option of going to industry events that would depress me. At the moment it's just reminding me that I really have no friends or network in person here. I am capable of getting to Los Angeles but it's far enough that I'd need a VERY good reason ... the sort of reason Los Angeles never provided for me.