"The Majestic Fool" 80 minute animated cartoon feature Richard Williams Animation Productions, 13 Soho Square London W. 1 England September 1969 Editor's note: Versions of this script were also known as The Amazing Nasruddin, Nasruddin! and The Golden City before the storyline was changed and Nasrudin removed as a character. Later after many many changes the film was called The Thief Who Never Gave Up and The Cobbler and the Thief, but is of course best known as The Thief and the Cobbler. THE MAJESTIC FOOL Working Draft Script PRE-TITLE (Sequence 1) Introduction of character s Fade in. White screen, with a tiny black dot in the distance. We hear the sound of footsteps approaching and a tall, bearded figure in a patched many-co loured robe walks to the front of the screen and stops. He opens his robe, revealing black inside, so that the opening of his robe gives the effect of curtains opening on an enormous black screen. There is a tremendous orchestral chord as he does this, lettering appears, SO AND SO etc... etc... PRESENTS.. We see the following titles of animated characters, appearing as they are introduced in the style of 1940' s Maria Montez-John Hall type of film. We see the characters, vignetted. THE EMPEROR OF PERSIA ANWAR, THE GRAND VIZIER OF PERSIA AND HIS VULTURE THE SYCOPHANTS THE THIEF PRINCESS NURA AND THE BEAST THE EXPERTS KERIMA, WIFE OF MULLA NASRUDIN Guest Artists, THE WOLVES ZAPPO THE GREAT GENERAL IRONPANTS NASTURTIUM, THE POET RAMBLING ACHMET CHIEF BOOZDIL CHIEF BOOZDIL AND THE FORTY BRIGANDS (40 Brigands pop on in forty little halos) THE MAD-HOLY-OLD-INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES THE GREAT MOGUL, EMPEROR OF INDIA PARATA, THE GRAND VIZIER OF INDIA And co-starring, THUNDERBOLT, THE DONKEY AND A SUPPORTING CAST OF LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS, The screen fills and refills with shots of eunuchs, camels elephants, monkeys, dancing girls, tigers, crowds, jugglers, weight-lifters, court scenes, etc... etc... AND STARRING THE INIMITABLE THE INIMITABLE MULLA NASRUDIN THE INIMITABLE MULLA NASRUDIN HIMSELF He goes into various John Hall film star poses AS THE MAJESTIC FOOL CREDIT TITLES (Sequence 2) Normal credit titles continue on black screen, possibly with a small star-like carpet design which develops throughout the credits. FEATURING THE VOICES OF : KENNETH WILLIAMS JOSS ACKLAND PAUL WHITSUN-JONES DIANA QUICK JOAN SIMS EDDIE BYRNE MUSIC: RON GOODWIN Studio and Artists credits. BAZAAR (THE SHOP) (Sequence 3) The octagonal carpet design animates forward, unfolding itself, revealing a Persian miniature bazaar. Many tiny figures are walking around in highly stylized Persian miniature convention. Upside down, vertical, some figures bigger than the others, etc ... Nasrudin appears on his donkey, THUNDERBOLT, and they enter into the market-place. Nasrudin is sitting the wrong way round on the donkey. Market hubbub - Old, old lady, carrying a bunch of bananas with great difficulty, OLD LADY: G.. GG.. OOD M- MMORNING NNAS ... RU . DEEN NASRUDIN : GOOD MORNING, GRAND-MOTHER. Poor student, clutching tattered pen, paper and ink, TAALIB : ISN'T IT A GOOD MORNING, NASRUDIN? NASRUDIN : dismounting, INDEED IT IS, TAALIB : Cut to huge dim-witted BANANA SELLER. MEHMET : UH ... GOOD MORNING, NASRUDIN : Camera pulls out to show the idiotic Mortimer Snerd-like Banana Eater, peeling a banana and looking at Nasrudin. NASRUDIN: GOOD MORNING, MEHMET . (to various people) MORNING... MORNING ... NICE DAY! He ties up his donkey and goes into a shop, Cut to the interior of the shop, The Merchant rubs his hands as Nasrudin enters. NASRUDIN : closing door, DID YOU SEE ME COME INTO YOUR SHOP? MERCHANT: YES . NASRUDIN : HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME BEFORE? MERCHANT: NO: NASRUDIN : leaning on his counter, THEN, HOW DO YOU KNOW IT IS ME ? He exits. dazed, MERCHANT: OAY? ANWAR, THE GRAND VIZIER (Sequence 4) Cut to Nasrudin outside shop amidst normal market people. We hear in the distance the Town Crier screaming All heads turn. TOWN CRIER: rushing up through the crowd towards camera, MAKE WAY: MAKE WAY: MAKE WAY FOR THE GRAND VIZIER: MAKE WAY FOR ANWAR, THE GRAND VIZIER: o PEOPLE: STAND BACK: THE GRAND VIZIER IS COMING ! ANWAR THE GRAND VIZIER OF PERSIA IS COMING ! STAND BACK! MAKE WAY! He is followed by two discordant trumpeters. They are followed by four crow-like men, dressed in black, with whips. They are lashing the populace, driving women, children, old men and dogs back to make way for the Grand Vizier. They are followed by two stone-pickers, dressed in black, picking up any stones in the path. They are followed by two crow-like sweepers with brooms, sweeping the route clear. They are followed by three apprentice Sycophants, effeminate and lavishly dressed, They carry rose-water holders, which they sprinkle on the ground. They are followed by three more apprentice Sycophants, equally effeminate, with baskets full of rose petals, which they throw into the air. They are followed by the main Sycophants, six Or seven of them, who sing the Sycophants' Chorus, This is done like a Gregorian chant. SYCOPHANTS CHORUS : ANWAR THE GRAND VIZIER ! 1ST SYCOPHANT: WITH COLD INCISIVE STEEL-TRAP MIND ... 2ND SYCOPHANT: WITH RAZOR SHARP INTELLECT ... 3RD SYCOPHANT: THE MASTER PLANNER ... SYCOPHANT CHORUS: ANWAR THE GRAND VIZIER! 1ST SYCOPHANT: LOYAL AND STEADFAST ... 2ND SYCOPHANT: SERVANT OF THE PERSIAN THRONE... 3RD SYCOPHANT: SELFLESS AND DEVOTED ... For the rest of the song, we see various views of Anwar the Grand Vizier, parading past. He is walking on two carpets. Each carpet is attended by four black robed crow-like men. As Anwar goes to put his foot on the earth, one set of crow-like men has to get the carpet down and unroll it as Anwar's foot touches it. Anwar, then, proceeds on this unrolled carpet while the other four crow-like men have to roll up their previously unrolled carpet, pick it up and run round to the front to get it down just as Anwar's foot is ready to touch thc ground. In other words, it is a rotor carpet attended by two sets of four crow-like men, constantly roIling and unrolling as Anwar makes his way through the market-place. There are four black Ethiopean slaves in standard harem dress fanning Anwar with ostrich plumes. The song continues, SYCOPHANT CHORUS: ANWAR THE GRAND VIZIER! 1ST SYCOPHANT: PILLAR OF THE STATE... 2ND SYCOPHANT: UPHOLDER OF RIGHTEOUSNESS... 3RD SYCOPHANT: COLD, CALM AND COLLECTED... SYCOPHANTS CHORUS: ANWAR THE GRAND VIZIER ! 1ST SYCOPHANT: SOPHISTICATED... 2ND SYCOPHANT: OF ICY PENETRATION ... 3RD SYCOPHANT: UNEMOTIONAL TO THE END ... Cut to the Banana Eater, at the edge of the crowd. He eats a banana and, thoughtlessly, throws the skin into the air. Cut to Anwar's foot about to go down on the earth, as, for the first time, the crow-like men are late with the carpet. The banana skin lands exactly where Anwar's foot touches and - zip - he shoots off at right angles to the carpet into the assembled populace. LONG CHORUS: as Anwar slides across the courtyard ANWAR THE GRAND VIZIER ! We pan through the heads of the assembled populace, as Anwar's jewelled hands flail in the air. Anwar bursts out of the crowd, still skating on the banana skin. The banana skin is under his black robe and he gains control over it, slowly but surely, and he comes to a stop in front of Nasrudin - nose to nose. Cut to the Sycophants, one of whom has a gong - he hits it GONGGGGGGGGG : Cut to Nasrudin and the Grand Vizier, nose to nose, vibrating in instant dislike. The Grand Vizier, then, turns, pushes the banana towards Nasrudin, turns his back on him, takes one step and the carpet slides under his foot. The song continues and the crow-like men with the rotor carDet march him away. THIEF FIGHT (Sequence 5) Cut to Nasrudin in mid-shot, watching Anwar and his paraphernalia going off, In Nasrudin's pocket are some green beads hanging out slightly. Two hands come in and slide the beads out of Nasrudin's pocket, as Nasrudin turns and sees. Cut to the Thief, who snatches the beads away and goes to run, Nasrudin grabs his other hand. They get entangled together as the Thief always manages to keep the beads just out of Nasrudin's grasp. They roll over and over in the dust backwards and forward, crashing into a fruitstand, rolling back across the market-place, as people gather round. A cloud of dust builds up and as it clears we see that Nasrudin has got the beads back and has the Thief down on the ground. Nasrudin puts the beads back in his own pocket and - pow: an umbrella hits Nasrudin on the head. SCHOOLMISTRESS : BULLY: HORRID BULLY: LET THAT LITTLE MAN GET UP AND GIVE HIM A CHANCE ! She jabs Nasrudin in the ribs with her umbrella and the Thief slides out from underneath and hides behind her back, making faces at Nasrudin. All the townspeople join in. TOWNSPEOPLE: BULLY! HORRID BULLY! WOULDN'T GIVE HIM A CHANCE! PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE ! HITTING A MAN WHEN HE IS DOWN! etc ... The Schoolmistress walks away, muttering to herself SCHOOLMISTRESS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS COUNTRY IS COMING TO! THESE SADISTIC BRUTES SHOULD BE FLOGGED! Mutter ... Mutter ... As she walks away, the Thief following behind fleeces her clean. LUNCH (Sequence 6) Cut back to Nasrudin dusting himself down - The crowd ragging him, TOWNSPEOPLE: COME ON ! BULLY: UNFAIR! BRUTE: PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE! etc ... Cut to the Student, Taalib, poking at a Big Man who is cursing Nasrudin, TAALIB : BUT HE WAS A THIEF ! BIG MAN : AW ! ... COME ON ... HE DID NOT GIVE HIM A CHANCE ! Cut to Nasrudin, still dusting himself down. OTHER CROWD VOICES: NASRUDIN WOULDN'T GIVE YOU THE TIME OF DAY! NASRUDIN : GOOD PEOPLE, I ASSURE YOU THAT I AM A HOSPITABLE MAN ... Cut to long shot of circle of people around Nasrudin, PEOPLE: COME ON! WE KNOW ... WE KNOW! etc ... NASRUDIN: I AM ! I AM ! Cut to long shot. TOWNSPEOPLE: YES ... YES ... WE KNOW! BLAH! BLAH! Cut to Big Man, beside Taalib - BIG MAN : PROVE IT ! TOWNSPEOPLE: Cut to Nasrudin - Townspeople saying, PROVE IT! PROVE IT ! NASRUDIN: AND TO PROVE IT, YOU ARE ALL INVITED TO MY HOUSE FOR LUNCH: Crowd gasp - Nasrudin waIks out of the circle - Cut to Taalib, TAALIB : GOOD OLD NASRUDIN: GOOD OLD NASRUDIN ! (poking the Big Man in the ribs) Cut to Old Lady in crowd OLD LADY: A HEART OF GOLD! Cut to Old Man and boy OLD MAN : GET OLD UNCLE HASSAN! BOY: UNCLE HASSAN: UNCLE HASSAN ! OTHER IDIOT: WHAT'S ON THE MENU ? OTHERS: COME ON, BOYS ... FREE LUNCH! Long shot - Everybody running around, yelling FREE LUNCH AT NASRUDIN'S ! FREE LUNCH AT NASRUDIN'S HOUSE ! Cut to a Lady with sixteen children, LADY: THIS WAY! FOLLOW THE MAN IN THE ORANGE CLOAK! Long shot of crowd, all following Nasrudin out the town gate, Cut to a dog, jumping on a grocer, followed by a boy running over the grocer's stomach. BOY: FREE LUNCH ! GROCER: (prostrate) FREE LUNCH: Cut to Fat Lady, carrying tWo huge melons, FAT LADY: FREE LUNCH? She drops the melons on the feet of two tiny men, Cut to a stupid painter, whitewashing a house, PAINTER: FREE LUNCH? POSH WOMAN: (appearing in window) FREE LUNCH? The Painter, looking at the crowd, puts his brush in her face and runs down the ladder. Cut to the Old, Old Lady, in a rocking-chair with a cat on her lap, OLD LADY: FFF-REE ... LLLUN ... CH !? (she zips out of the chair) ROWR: (the cat flies in the air, hair on end. ) Cut to the Town Crier directing a thundering herd of people, TOWN CRlER : OYEZ! OYEZ! FREE LUNCH AT NASRUDIN'S HOUS! Cut to long shot outside the town-gate - An enormous line of people is following Nasrudin Cut to the front of the line, MEHMET : DAH! IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU, NASRUDIN ! TAALIB: WA HAY! I HAVE NOT HAD A GOOD MEAL FOR WEEKS. BIG MAN : HE IS NOT SUCH A BAD LAD AFTER ALL ! VERY PAT MAN: HIS WIFE, KERIMA, IS AN EXCELLENT COOK ! The Thief has just picked the Fat Man's pockets clean, Cut to very long shot of the enormouS line of townspeople approaching Nasrudin's house up on a hilI, Cut into front of line. NASRUDlN : YOU WAIT HERE! JUST A MINUTE ... YOU WAIT HERE... I'LL GO AHEAD ... AND TELL MY WIFE TO PREPARE FOR YOU. Cut to long shot and hubbub of the enormous crowd as Nasrudin runs up the hill. Cut to Kerima, bad-tempered, stirring a huge pot on the stove. Nasrudin pokes his. head round the door. NASRUDIN : HELLO, KERIMA ... MY TURTLE DOVE KERIMA : RRG ! NASRUDIN : I'VE ... ER ... INVITED SOME PRIENDS ALONG FOR LUNCH, DEAR. KERIMA : STUPID OAF! THERE'S NOT ENOUGH FOOD IN THE HOUSE! HOW DARE YOU INVITE ALL THOSE PEOPLE KERIMA : We hear the crowd approaching TURN THEM AWAY! NASRUDIN : shutting door I CAN'T DO THAT! MY REPUTATION FOR HOSPITALITY IS AT STAKE! KERlMA : OH! ALL RIGHT! GO UPSTAIRS AND HIDE YOURSELF! I'LL TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE OUT. Nasrudin sneaks out of picture and Kerima goes to the door, Cut to the outside of the house - Kerima framed in the doorway. KERIMA : (yelling) NASRUDIN - IS - NOT - AT HOME! (Slam) THE- MULLA - IS - NOT- Cut to long shot of amazed townspeople, by now having almost gotten to the front door. TOWNSPEOPLE: puzzled WHAT! WE SAW HIM GO IN! ... HE WENT IN THE DOOR ! HE PROMISED LUNCH ! NASRUDlN: NASRUDlN: YOU PROMISED LUNCH ! Cut to Nasrudin, hiding beside the upstairs window, The crowd starts knocking on the door, CROWD: NASRUDIN ! NASRUDIN! WE SAW YOU GO IN ! WE SAW HIM GO IN! LET US IN: OPEN UP: COME ON! HE PROMISED LUNCH ! Cut to crowd outside, banging on the door, HE MUST BE INSIDE ! ALL: CROWD: NASRUDIN : BANANA EATER: All take it up. HE'S INSIDE! HE MUST BE INSIDE! WE SAW HIM GO IN! WE SAW HIM GO IN THE HOUSE ! Cut to Kerima, hatchet face, stirring her brew, muttering under her breath. The crowd getting angrier and banging on the door, Cut to Nasrudin, hunched under the window. Cut to an overhead shot of the crowd wilder, thundering on the door, Cut to Nasrudin, scrunched up under the window. LET US IN ! WE HAVE BEEN HERE ALL THE TIME! WE SAW HIM GO IN THE HOUSE! WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE DOOR! LET US IN ! HE MUST BE INSIDE ! Cut to Nasrudin, who can't stand it any longer and sticks his face out the window. Cut to outside shot of crowd, looking up at Nasrudin. (exa~peraled) I COULD HAVE GONE OUT BY THE BACKDOOR, COULDN'T I? (he stares at the crowd for a moment and zips in,) Crowd, amazed and puzzled. Cut to the Banana Eater, who says to a huge fat lady, THAT'S TRUE - WE DIDN'T WATCH THE BACKDOOR ! Some other idiots join in, DID WE? DID WE WATCH THE BACKDOOR? OTHER PEOPLE: WHAT: ARE YOU CRAZY? FOOEY : FALSE PROMISES: CHEAP SKATE: CAT AND MEAT (Sequence 7) Cut to Kerima, still stirring her pot, furious. Crowd noises die down slightly, as they start to give up, Muttering ... Cut to Nasrudin beside window, looking at Kerima, Cut to Kerima, who looks around craftily, takes a big bowl and ladles out a great quantity of meat balls into it. She looks around again and eats the whole thing in three se conds, Nasrudin tiptoes downstairs. NASRUDIN: KERlMA, DEAR ... WHAT IS FOR LUNCH? She says nothing, scrapes the bottom of the pan and ladles out two and a half potatoes on his plate and three on hers, She gulps hers down. NASRUDIN : POTATOES? - WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THREE POUNDS OF MEAT I BROUGHT YOU? KERlMA : (finishing off another potato) THE CAT ... THE CAT ... THE CAT ATE IT! ALL THREE POUNDS OF IT ! Nasrudin puts down his plate, goes over to the slumbering cat on a chair, picks it up and puts it on a set of hand-held scales, He puts on three one-pound weights, NASRUDIN : THIS CAT WEIGHS THREE POUNDS KERIMA : SO ... Slobber! Slobber ... SO? NASRUDIN : IF THIS IS THE CAT, WHERE IS THE MEAT? IF, ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS IS THE MEAT WHERE IS THE CAT? He puts the cat down on the chair and, angry now, stamps out to the backdoor, turns around and gives Kerima an angry glance and slams the door. Fade to black. THIEF AND OLD LADY (Sequ{Once 8) Fade in. Nasrudin walking, at early evening, He passes a wall and the Thief sticks his head out and watches Nasrudin's green beads, which are still hanging slightIy out of his pocket. TIle Thief runs along behind the wall, leaping up and down. There is a crack in the wall and the Thief leans through to snatch the beads but falls on his face. Cut back to Nasrudin, still walking beside the wall, The Thief bouncing up and down on the other side of the wall until the cleft of a tree branch catches him around the neck. Cut to Nasrudin passing the old, old Lady. She is carrying a bunch of bananas with enormous difficuIty - She is so old that she can hardly walk, NASRUDIN : GOOD EVENING, GRAND -MOTHER. OLD LADY: (with enormous difficulty) G.GG. GOOOD EEE.. VE..NNlNG.... NNNN..ASRUDIN Nasrudin walks by and the Old Lady continues dragging her bunch of bananas with great difficulty . Cut to the Thief, who spies the Old Lady's banana,s and zips towards her. She continues with great difficulty, hardly moving as the Thief tiptoes up behind her and rches for the bananas. He takes them and the re is a sound of steel being unsheathed and a huge blue hairy arm shoots out of the Old Lady's robe seizing the Thief in a vice -like grip, Her other arm puts down the bananas, She picks the Thief up into the air and crashes him to the ground, steps over him, picks him up again and beats the daylightcout of him. She now moves with absoIute professional efficiency. She is a karate expert and she bashes him against trees like a carpet being beaten, jumps up and down on him, gives him Chinese burns, etc ... Then, she ties him up in knots and then turns towards us,again with enormous difficulty, tottering and shaking as, with tremendous effort, she manages to pick up her bananas and exits, singing quietly to herself the 'Devonshire Poacher' . The Thief, all knotted up, runs off on his hands into the distance, Fade to black. GARDEN (Sequence 9) Fade in. Nasrudin outside the wall of a beautiful garden, topped by exotic trees and rose bushes, A peacock sits on the wall, Fade in classic Eastern harmonium music. NASRUDIN: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN - A SUBLIME GROVE! AH! ME ! PERCHANCE WONDROUS DELIGHTS MAY BE HIDDEN WITHIN! Nasrudin climbs up the wall. Cut to view from the other side of the wall, inside the beautiful garden. Nasrudin's turban and eyes appear. He looks both ways. Cut to Nasrudin's eye-view of the garden. Amidst the Iush foliage, at one end of the garden, lying on a carpet, is a beautiful Princess being clutched by a huge, green, monstrous Beast. Camera zooms in for a closer view. Nasrudin, horrified, Iets out a loud yell, NASRUDIN: AHHHAI-IHAHOOEE .... !! Cut to close-up of Beast, clutching at the Princess, but looking surprised. NASRUDIN: (pointing and calling out) HAVE COURAGE, FAIR MAIDEN! NASRUDIN WILL DELIVER YOU FROM THIS LOATHESOME BRUTE! Nasrudin jumps from the top of the wall to the ground and runs towards the camera. Two peacocks rush to get out of the way and Nasrudin crashes headlong through them and confronts the Beast. NASRUDIN : AWAY FOUL BEAST ! Nasrudin does karate on the Beast forcing him to drop the Princess, He punches, pounds and kicks the Beast, dri ving him away from the Princess, The Beast moans in pain as Nasrudin drives him into the distance and gives him a finaI kick and the Beast mns away moaning and slobbering. bows, Nasrudin runs back up to the Princess and NASRUDIN : FAIR MAIDEN, HAVE NO FEAR: I, NASRUDIN, HAVE PUT THE BEAST TO FLIGHT ! Cut to close-up of Princess, basilisk exprcssion. She punches Nasrudin in the eye, claps her hands and two Errol Flynn type bodyguards appear from nowhere, grab Nasrudin and frog-march him to the wall and throw him over. He lands in the dust, outside. Cut back into garden with the Princess kneeling on the ground, looking sympathetically up at a large bush on her right, which is rustling. The Beast's quivering eye ap pears in the foliage, trembling, PRINCESS: OH MY DARLING! MY POOR SWEET LOVE! DID THE HORRID MAN HURT YOU? The Beast is crying and slobbering and is daring to come out a Tittle more. PRINCESS: DID THE TERRIBLE MAN FRIGHTEN YOU? DID HE HURT HIMS ? The Beast drags himself out of the tree and the Princess kisses his huge claw -like hand. PRINCESS: NEVER MIND, DARLING OF MY HEART! NEVER MIND, DEAREST LOVER ! The Beast is whimpering as she cuddles him. PRINCESS: EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT NOW! Cut to Nasrudin, in the dust, outside, listening in amazement. PRINCESS: HE HAS BEEN PUNISHED AND DRIVEN OFF! Cut to the Princess and the Beast. She is dabbing the Beast's face. PRINCESS: THERE! THERE! NEVER MIND! HE'S GONE NOW! Cut to close-up of Nasrudin, listening, with hand to ear, PRINCESS: EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT, NOW! Cut to Princess and Beast. PRINCESS: THERE, THERE! LITTLE ONE! BABY LOVE! (Beast snuffling) HONEY SWEET PET ! Cut to Nasrudin again, who can't believe it, Cut to Princess and Beast going into an embrace PRINCESS: MY OWN LOVE: AHH ... UMM .. OO .. etc ... (love noises as she snuggles up close to the Beast kissirg him, A peacock comes into the screen and discreetly spreads its tail, obscuring the view except for their heads Cut to Nasrudin, revolted, NASRUDIN : AAWARGH ! Cut to Princess and Beast. More peacocks spread their feathers, making a beautiful impression into which the Princess and Beast softly sink until compIetely enveloped. (cooings continue). Cut to Nasrudin, who gets up. NASRUDIN : OH WELL! (dusting himself off) THERE IS REALLY NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE, He turns and walks away, stops and turns back to camera PERHAPS ... I SHOULD CULTIVATE A LIMP... He limps away into the evening light. GRAVEYARD (Sequence 10) Cut to long shot, the beautiful garden away in the ditance - Sun going down and Nasrudin going away - His shadow is very long, We hear the sound of horses approaching as their shadow crosses Nasrudin's path and he steps into the bIackness. Cut to Nasrudin walking towards us, looking at the hormen silhouetted against the setting sun in the distance, NASRUDIN: musing, at first, but starts to terrify himself, HORSEMEN! HORSEMEN! HM ... COMING TOWARDS ME ... THEY COULD ... BE THIEVES! MURDERERS: He starts to panic as the clopping of the horses' hooves grows louder and the sun goes further down. THEY COULD... ROB ME !.. BEAT ME ! ...IMPRESS ME IN THE ARMY! ... SELL ME AS A SLAVE !... TORTURE ME !.. HANG ME ! BRAND ME ! ... LECTURE ME ! ... The horsemen arc much closer to him now and he com pletely panics and runs away from them. Cut to their view of the running figure. There are four horsemen and they speed their horses towards the running figure. Cut to Nasrudin running, scrambling over rocks, under crevices, sliding, stumbling, running, Cut to thc four horsemen speeding up, Cut to Nasrudin going faster. Cut to the horsemen going faster, Cut to Nasrudin going faster, Cut to the horsemen really galloping now. Cut to Nasrudin going as fast as he possibly can, He runs up to a wall, is momentarily pinned against it. He runs along the wall to an opening and runs panic-stricken through what we see is a graveyard, He shoots around sliding and slipping and falls down in an open grave, There is a tremendous crash and he shoots out of the grave, old bones flying in all directions. He leaps into another hole and bursts out of yet another one, Morc bones flying - He lc3.S a skull on his foot and he can't get it off and he runs hysterically and hides in ano ther grave. Cut to the horsemen point of view, as they approach this open grave. Cut to Nasrudin inside the grave, in darkness, as we hear the sound of dismounting, the rustle and clank of what might be swords and armour, The footsteps approach and Nasrudin picks up a thigh-bone as a club and a rib-cage as a shield and leans back in the grave, ready to fight. The four hor semen, honest travellers, lean over the edge of the grave, 1ST TRAVELLER: GOOD EVENINING! Nasrudin puts the thigh -bone as if it is a walking-stick and hides the rib-cage behind his back, NASRUDIN: GOOD EVENING! 1st TRAVELLER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT GRAVE? 2ND TRAVELLER: WE SAW YOU RUNNING AWAY. 3RD TRAVELLER: CAN WE HELP YOU? NASRUDIN: suddenly realizing what has happened, ER ... AH ... OHOHO. WELL ... JUST BECAUSE I YOU ASK A QUESTION DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THERE IS A STRAIGHTFORWARD ANSWER TO IT ... STILL, IF YOU MUST KNOW... Cut to close-up of Nasrudin I AM HERE ... Cut to top shot of grave BECAUSE OF ... Cut to side view of scene YOU! Cut to Nasrudin's view of them AND YOU ... Cut to another view of them ARE HERE ... Cut to aerial view of the graveyard BECAUSE OF ... Cut to Nasrudin's head at their feet ME ! Nasrudin raises his head up towards them with a smile, They stand there amazed and Nasrudin, as if he lived in this grave all the time, lies down on the floor and takes an old skull for a pillow and pretends to go to sleep. The four horsemen turn, dumbfounded, and walk away. We cut to Nasrudin in the grave, stilI trying to keep up appearances, Actually he starts to doze off, WOLVES (Sequence 11) Cut to Nasrudin, snoring in the open grave, Inside his white turban, a tiny Nasrudin figure dissolves in, as'if his turban becomes the screen for his dream, Cut into the turban and the dream starts as we hear un derneath the sound of Nasrudin snoring, The dream-Nasrudin is sitting on a carpet with a cup of tea and is thinking. He is pulling at his beard, fiddling with his shoes and going into odd concentrated positions, NASRUDIN: SOME PEOPLE ARE DEAD ... WHEN THEY SEEM TO BE ALIVE, ON THE OTHER HAND ... OTHERS AGAIN ... ARE ALIVE... ALTHOUGH THEY SEEM TO BE DEAD. SO, HOW CAN WE TELL IF A MAN IS DEAD. OR IF HE IS ALIVE? 'Bang" Kerima' s frying pan bashes him on the head and he vibrates. KERlMA : FOOLISH MAN ! She picks up his hands and feet and shakes them, IF THE HANDS AND FEET ARE COLD, YOU CAN BE SURE THAT HE IS DEAD! She throws his hands and feet down and stamps out. He gets up considering this and walks out, And we dissolve to a Iong shot of a snow scene with Nasrudin and his donkey walking along. Cut to close-up of Nasrudin and the donkey, The donkey, in the dream, is very fat - It is snowing. They reach a tree - Nasrudin takes out his axe and starts to chop at the tree. He drops his axe in a fit of shivering and starts jumping up and down to warm himself, His hands and feet, he notices, are going blue with coId, NASRUDIN : COLD ... COLD (realizes) THEY... ARE ... COLD, DEATH NOW SEEMS TO BE UPON ME ! He thinks a bit and throws away his axe, THE DEAD DO NOT CUT WOOD ... THEY LIE DOWN RESPECTABLY - FOR THEY HAVE NO NEED OF PHYSICAL MOVEMENT, He lies down putting his turban in the cleft which he has cut in the tree, The fat donkey, fed -up, looks on in bore dom, at Nasrudin's feet. Cut to a long shot of the top of the hill, We see what looks like a pine-tree. But then the branches disappear, leaving only tl1e upright stand and a small moving blob runs over to the next upright pole, and what seems to be branches shoot out, Cut in to reveal six long-headed wolves posing as a tree, They zip in and run over to another pole, a little closer to Nasrudin, and pose again as a tree. A snow storm hits and as it clears, we cut to Nasrudin asleep, with Snow covering his body, looking like a white coffin, the donkey still sits, bored, at his feet, Cut to the wolf -tree entirely covered in ice. The ice cracks and the icicles drop off, revealing the wolves who have turned blue from the cold. They shiver terribly and run to another tree. Cut to the donkey whose ear lifts and whose eyes open wide, Cut to the woIves who run to another tree. Cut to the donkey, more worried. Cut to the wolves sticking out from behind a tree, all six of them clutching at their stomachs - they are obvious1y starving to death. They zip back in and go down the hill from tree to tree, like a slalom, Cut to the donkey, now very worried, Iooking round stu pidly. Cut to the wolves who shoot out from behind the tree, do a long run and zoom into the air. We hear the sound of a screaming jet engine and they land on the donkey, who disappears in a cartoon bIurr. Jet and buzz-saw and eating noises as the blurr zooms around, Cut to Nasrudin with one eye open looking at the demotion of his donkey, entirely calmly, he leans to us and says. NASRUDlN : SUCH IS LIFE! ONE THING IS CONDITIONAL UPON ANOTHER. Cut to the wolves, now with huge, full bellies, who burp and snicker, pick their teeth and laugh gleefully to each othcr in front of Nasrudin, rubbing their bellies with delight. Two of them take a wish-bone and snap it in front of Nasrudin, one pretending to be very hurt at having lost. NASRUDIN : getting angry now, lifts a hand out of the snow, ALL RIGHT. GO ON ... GO ON ... BUT YOU WOULD NOT TAKE SUCH LIBERTIES WITH MY DONKEY - IF I WAS ALIVE ! The wolves, still giggling hysterically, belching and burping, walk away into the distance on the squeaky snow and an old -fashioned cartoon iris follows them to the centre of the screen, They go over the hill, and the white oval turns back into Nasrudin's hat. We hear the sound of birds twittering and Nasrudin wakes up in the open grave in the early morning golden light. PUBLIC LECTURE (Sequence 12) Nasrudin crawls out of the grave into the early morning light, shakes some old bones from his pant leg and coat, shudders slightly and starts to walk away. NASRUDlN: (to camera) IN THE MIDST ... OF LIFE ... WE ARE IN THE MIDST ... OF DEATH! He swings his arm out in a gesture and a skeleton hand also comes out of his sleeve, duplicatirg his gesture. It falls to the ground and Nasrudin shudders, TOWN CRIER: (in the distance) OYEZ ... OYEZ Cut to Nasrudin on a hill, looking down at the town. Tremendous activity going on in the market-place. TOWN CRIER: (continues) HERE COME THE EXPERTS! MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY FOR THE EXPERTS ! Cut to the Town Crier, who is running around at the head of a line of seven dignified Experts. TOWN CRIER: MAKE WAY FOR THE PANEL OF EXPERTS: THE EXPERTS ARE COMING: HERE COME THE EXPERTS! TO ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS! TO ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS! WHAT YOU LIKE TO PUT TO THE EXPERTS ... HERE COME THE EXPERTS! THE PANEL OF EXPERTS! Cut to longer shot of a rostl-um and canape prepared for the Public Lecture, The Town Crier continues to jump up and down, as the Experts surrounded by the populace proceed to the rostrum. An effeminate Student runs up to the first Expert and sneaks in a quick question, before the Experts can get on the stand. EFFEMINATE STUDENT: (clutching a book to his chest) o LEARNED PROFESSOR... I ASPIRE TO HOLD SUCH AN IMPORTANT ACADEMIC POSITION AS YOU DO - HOW BEST MAY I DO THIS? ACADEMIC: (cleaning his glasses) ACADEMIC PROMINENCE IS ATTAINED BY THE AMASSING OF DIPLOMAS, DEGREES AND CERTIFICATES AND UNREMITTING LOBBYING OF HlGHLY PLACED RELATIVES AND FRIENDS! (poking his finger at the Student's book) SPEND NOT YOUR TIME, YOUNG MAN - ON FOOLISH AND UNREWARDING STUDY OF BOOKS (he flips the book out of the Student's hand into the dust) STUDY RATHER THE MEANS, THE SHORT CUTS (he takes out a pair of scissors and snips off a bit of the string round his hat, which he has been using to clean his glasses. He turns away from the Student and goes up on the podium) - AND ABOVE ALL - ENTERTAIN WELL ... AND GIVE PRINCELY GIFTS! Enter the Scientist about to get on the platform and an honest Peasant tugs at his sleeve. HONEST PEASANT: O GREAT SCIENTIST, WHY DOES THE MOON RISE AND SET? The Scientist turns to the camera and speaks like an automaton, SCIENTIST: THE RISING AND SETTING OF THE MOON ARE QUALITIES OF AN EPHEMERAL NATURE AND ARE ONLY A MANIFESTATICN OF THE PLETHORA OF INTRICATELY INTER-RELATED EVENTS, AS WE KNOW THEM TODAY! He smiles benignly on the poor wretch, who falls back astonished into the crowd as the Scientist sweeps past, followed by a Felix Aylmer type Priest, whose robes are being carried by two tiny choir boys, An honest Official bows in front of the Priest. HONEST OFFICIAL : O SAINTLY PRIEST, GIVE ME SOME WORDS TO STRENGTHEN MY FAITH! PRIEST: FAITH IN THE INFINITE WISDOM OF GOD IS ENGENDERED AND STRENGTHENED BY CONSTANT RECOURSE TO PRAYER AND ABSTINENCE ... We see the Bnnana Eater, absently standing by, eating a banana. PRIEST: BUT ABOVE ALL (he sprcads his hand out and the Banana Eater, without looking, drops his banana skin into the hand of the Priest. The Priest shakes the banana skin to the ground and the Banana Eater steps on it and falls on his face) BY A LIFELONG AND UNSWERVING DEVOTION TO THE HUMBLE PRIESTHOOD... THEMSELVES DEDICATED, CONSTANTLY FASTING, PRACTISING SELF-DENIAL ... He turns and sweeps the honest Official out of the way with his scroll and continues talking as he makes his way up on to the platform, PRIEST: WHO ARE AND SHOULD BE ... A SHINING EXAMPLE OF THE PURE, PIOUS AND TRULY HUMANE ... MAN OF GOD! Enter a Tiny Prince. A huge fat petty Land Owner pushes the honest OfficiaI out of the way and bows. PETTY LAND OWNER: AUGUST AND NOBLE PRINCE, WITH YOUR WIDE EXPERIENCE OF RULERSHIP AND AUTHORITY, HOW BEST MAY I RULE MY PEASANTS? TINY PRINCE: DAH ! THE PEASANTS? HANG THEM! BRAND THEM ! LLLL - LASH THEM! SSSSS-STARVE THEM! LLLL LIKE I DO - SHOW THEM WHO IS MMMMM-MASTER. We see the THIEF, unseen by the Prince, looting the Prince's pockets as the Prince ascends the platform. Enter the Lawyer,and Taalib, the honest Student, with his tattered pen and ratty paper and ink, in reverence approa ches the Lawyer. TAALIB : O GREAT LAWYER, IS JUSTICE (he gulps) ... IN FACT, BASED ON TRUTH? (turning to the camera - his voice hisses like a snake) LAWYER: THE ANSWER IS YES ... Cut to Taalib writing furiously. IF NOT, THE ANSWER IS ... NO! Cut to Taalib, writing furiously. SUBJECT TO ... SUBSECTION 2 (more Taalib writing furiousIy) PARAGRAPH 3 (more furious writing) ... FOOT NOTE 26 ... The Lawyer flicks round and goes up on the pIatform, leaving Taalib completely covered in ink and bewildered, The Tiny Merchant enters and the Shopkeeper bends low in front of him. SHOPKEEPER: O GREAT MERCHANT, IMPART TO ME THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL COMMERCE... PLEASE. MERCHANT: COMMERCIAL SUCCESS IS BASED ON A SET OF SCALES WEIGHTED IN YOUR FAVOUR, A GULLIBLE PUBLIC (we see the Thief is undoing the Merchant's money-bag AND AN UNRELENTING (and without looking at the Thief, the Merchant grabs him around the neck and drags the Thief towards him) GREED! He picks the Thief up and shakes him upside-down. All the Thief's loot falls to the ground and the Merchant shoves the Thief away and puts all the loot into his own robes and walks up on the platform, Enter the Politician, the last of the Experts, A Civil Servant bows before him, CIVIL SERVANT: O GREAT AND WORTHY CHAIRMAN AND STATESMAN, I ASPIRE TO LEAD SUCH A SCINTILLATING DELEGA TlON AS YOU DO. PLEASE, TELL ME HOW TO DO SO. The Politician turns to the camera and clears his throat. He acts this speech out graphically, changing utterly fron1 mood to mood, POLITICIAN: ABOVE ALL CONSIDERATIONS, A SUCCESSFUL CHAIRMAN AND STATESMAN, SUCH AS MYSELF, MUST HAVE AT HIS COMMAND ... YEA! AT HIS FINGERTIPS A RHETORIC, A DELIVERY, A GAMUT OF EXPRESSIONS ... SUITABLE FOR OCCASIONS WHICH ARE SOLEMN... JOYOUS... MONETARY ... AND CEREMONIAL. He sweeps up on to the platform. TOWN CRIER: (jumping up and down on the platform) O PEOPLE ... THE LEARNED ONES ARE HERE TO ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS ... WHO, AMONG YOU WILL POSE THE FIRST QUESTION? Crowd murmuring - Someone says, SOMEONE: NASRUDlN ... WHERE IS NASRUDIN ? OTHERS: WHERE IS NASRUDlN ? The Thief is seen looting again, as we search through the crowd, OTHER VOICES: NASRUDIN? ... NASRUDIN? ... OH! HERE - HERE'S NASRUDIN ! They grab Nasrudin, TWO TOWNSMEN: DUST HIM DOWN! ... DUST HIM DOWN! ... They dust him down. DRESS HIM UP ! ... DRESS HIM UP ! They put on another set of patched robes and turban, which are almost identical to the ones Nasrudin was wea ring. TWO TOWNSMEN: PASS HIM OVER ! PASS HIM OVER! They pick up Nasrudin and the crowd hands him over their heads up on to the platform. Nasrudin stands there, smiling at the Experts, Expectant crowd murmurs. to the Politician, very politely, NASRUDIN : MAY I ASK THE LEARNED ONES A QUESTION? POLITICIAN: (humouring him) PROCEED ! NASRUDIN : WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? (in amusement, as to a child) POLITICIAN: WE ARE A TEAM OF EXPERTS - AND WE ARE HERE TO ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS WHICH THE PEOPLE CANNOT ANSWER FOR THEMSELVES. All the Experts titter. AND WHO ... ARE YOU? NASRUDIN : (self-effacingly) OH! ME!? OH! YOU BETTER HAVE ME UP HERE! (he sits down beside the Politician) Experts all shocked. I AM HERE... TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WHICH YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS TO ! More shock NASRUDIN: SHALL WE START WITH SOME OF THE THINGS WHICH BAFFLE YOU ... LEARNED GENTLEMEN? Experts all cough. POLITICIAN: (confidentially, to Nasrudin) ARE YOU ACCUSING US OF - IGNORANCE? Nasrudin, smiling, nods - More coughing. POLITICIAN: WOULD THAT ALSO IMPLY THAT WE ARE (he leans forward to Nasrudin) IRRESOLUTE? Nasrudin, smiling, nods - Silence from the other Experts now, The Lawyer seizing his opportunity, hisses. LAWYER: AND, DOUBTLESS, YOU CHARGE THAT WE ARE IN ADDITION, CONFUSED! Nasrudin, smiling, nods. Cut to the Priest, with hishand up to heaven. He stabs it at Nasnidin. PRIEST: HERETIC! The other Experts join in HERETIC! HERETIC! HERETIC! HERETIC: HERETIC! HERETIC! Cut to crowd, tentatively joining in, CROWD: HERETIC? ... HERETIC! HERETIC? ... HERETIC! HERETIC? ... HERETIC! HERETIC? .. HERETIC ! POLITICIAN: The Politician claps his hands, SEIZE HIM! Three ghouls zip in on to the platform, carrying chains and handcuffs, etc ... They tie and bolt Nasrudin up in chains. BREAD (Sequence 13) Cut to side view of Nasrudin, covered in chains, running along, being towed by a chariot on which sit the three ghouls, Cut to aerial view of the same, but with the populace lining the route which leads to the Palace. Cut to enormous Court doors which open revealing the King and Court in full assembIy. The three ghouls drag Nasrudin across the floor in front of the King and unbolt him, Nasrudin Iooks up and sees Anwar, the Grand Vizier. There is the sound of the gong and their noses quiver in distaste of each other, Anwar, the Grand Vizier, bows low before the King. ANWAR: o KING, THE PHILOSOPHERS, THE LOGICIANS AND THE DOCTORS OF LAW ... Cut to the same seven Experts, who arc seated on a mnificent carpet exactly as they had been at the public lecture. ANWAR: ... HAVE BEEN GATHERED TOGETHER TO EXAMINE A MOST SERIOUS CASE OF ... HERESY!! Cut to the King and courtroom all shocked - Whispers, etc ... ANWAR: (attacking) THIS MAN, NASRUDIN .... Cut to the King, who stutters, half asleep, KING: NA-NA-NA ... NASRUDIN ... Cut to Anwar, ANWAR: IS ACCUSED OF - UNDERMINING THE STATE! More crowd shock. ANWAR: HE HAS ADMITTED GOING AROUND, SAYING SUCH WISE MEN AS THESE ... Cut to the Experts. ANWAR: ARE IGNORANT, IRRESOLUTE AND CONFUSED: More crowd reaction. KING: (bored with the entire proceedings, but waking up from his reverie enough to fulfill his function) NASRUDIN ... YOU MAY SPEAK FIRST ! Nasrudin bows to the King, NASRUDIN : YOUR MAJESTY, MAY I ASK THE LEARNED ONES A QUESTION? KING: PROCEED. NASRUDIN: (bowing reverently in front of the Experts) O WISE MEN ... WHAT IS ... BREAD? Cut to Experts, cackling, and saying such things as : BREAD! RIDICULOUS! STUPID QUESTION ! EXPERTS: BREAD! RIDICULOUS! Cut to the King, bored and annoyed, who motions the Experts to get on with it. Cut to the Academic, cleaning his glasses, ACADEMIC: BREAD - IS A SUBSTANCE WHICH IS FOR THE PURPOSE OF NOURISHING PEOPLE ! Court admiration and murmurs of 'OF COURSE'. Pan to the Scientist, who says, again like an automaton, SCIENTIST: BREAD IS A COMPOUND OF FLOUR AND WATER Cut to outside the courtroom where there are five statues of eagIes. In the middle stands the Thief trying to look like an eagle. Scientist's voice continues under SCIENTIST: ... MIXED AT A CERTAIN RATIO ... The Thief runs from behind the eagles over to behind a guard and he peeps in at the courtroom proceedings, SCIENTIST: (continuing) ... AND SUBJECT TO A CERTAIN HEAT! Courtroom reactions of COURTROOM: BRILLIANT! NATURALLY! HOW TRUE! etc ... Pan to the Priest. PRIEST: IT IS A BLESSING WHICH DESCENDS AS MANNA FROM THE HEAVENS! IT IS A GIFT FROM GOD NOT WITHSTANDING MAN'S INIQUITY AND UNDESERVING STATE! Cut to a line of soldiers in court, The 111ief's head ptrudes between their robes and then zips back in, There is a pause and then one of the soldiers' robe disappears leaving him standing in his underpants as we see the Thief scuttle round a corner. Pan to the Tiny Prince, TINY PRINCE: A VEXED QUESTION - BUT I FOR ONE KNOW IT TO BE NONE OTHER THAN BAKED DOUGH ! More crowd admiration and scattered applause. CROWD: THE PRINCE IS RIGHT! etc... Pan to thc Lawyer, who prepares to answer. Cut to Taalib, pen at the ready, covered in ink, who has somehow managed to get into the courtroom, He takes down the Lawyer's words again. LAWYER: IT IS, FIRST OF ALL, NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS MEANT BY BREAD... Cut to two rows of turbaned courtiers, The Thief sticks his head out of a window and spots the pearls around the turbans. LAWYER: DEFINE YOUR TERMS OF REFERENCE ... The Thief's hand comes out and zips the pearls off the turban and the turban sinks over the courticr' shead, LAWYER: IT CAN BE HELD TO BE CHANGEABLE - OR - IMMUTABLE. Cut to Taalib, completeIy covered in ink. Pan to the Merchant. MERCHANT: BREAD IS A SUBSTANCE FROM WHICH MAN DRAWS NUTRIMENT! Good crowd reaction. CROWD: HEAR! HEAR! SO IT IS! lNDEED! Cut to the Politician at the end of the line, who holds up his hands to sum up. POLITICIAN: THROUGHOUT THE AGES SAVANTS AND SAGES HAVE SOUGHT THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION BUT STILL - IT HAS TO BE ADMITTED THAT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS, ENTIRE CROWD: INDEED! QUITE SO ! HOW ABSOLUTELY TRUE! A BRILLIANT SUMMING UP ! Cut to tile King, bored but slightly unconvinced, Cut to Nasrudin. NASRUDIN : YOUR MAJESTY, HOW CAN YOU TRUST THESE MEN? Cut to the Experts, in annoyance, NASRUDIN: IS IT NOT STRANGE THAT THEY CANNOT AGREE... Anwar, sensing trouble, hides well out of the King's view. NASRUDlN : ON THE NATURE OF SOMETHING THEY EAT EVERYDAY ... Cut to the Experts, looking at each other. YET, ARE UNANIMOUS THAT I AM A HERETIC (he smiles at the King.) Cut to the King who really does not want to be botllered but is thinking, nevertheless. KING: MMMM ..... VIZIER AND MESSENGER (Sequence 14) As the Court awaits the King's decision, there is the sound of a horse galloping up and a crash of armour and a tiny honest yeoman-messenger staggers into the centre of the court. He is porcupined with arrows and is ob viou sly dying, He also has a spear shoved right through his centre, He collapses, Anwar, the Grand Vizier, shoots over to him and listens, trying not to get too close MESSENGER: (gasping) THE KING... THE KING... OF ... INDIA ... ANWAR: (to the King and Court) O MAJESTY, THE KING OF INDIA ... (he zips back to listen further) MESSENGER: TH ... TH ... THREATENS ... ANWAR: (languorous) THE KING OF INDIA THREATENS ... MESSENGER: THE... INVASION... OF ... PERSIA... ANWAR: THE INVASION OF PERSIA. . , He suddenly realizes what he says, Fast cuts of King and Court, shocked. MESSENGER: (grabbing Anwar's robe. Anwar rips his robe away) UNLESS ... ANWAR: (histrionic) UNLESS ... MESSENGER: A ... SUITABLE ... AMBASSADOR ... ANWAR: A SUITABLE AMBASSADOR... MESSENGER: CAN... BE ... SENT... IMMEDIA TEL Y ... ANWAR: CAN BE SENT IMMEDIATELY... MESSENGER (expiring now) TO ... TO ... TO MAKE... TO MAKE... PEACE! He dies. ANWAR: TO MAKE PEACE ! Anwar signals the removal of the dead messenger and the three ghouls zip in, pick up the Messenger by the lance and some of the arrows and, with his spurs as wheels, they wheelbarrow him out of the courtroom. CANDIDATES (Sequence 15) Interior of the courtroom. The Grand Vizier goes towards the throne. VIZIER: OH MAJESTY! (heading towards the throne) IN THAT WE REQUIRE AN AMBASSADOR TO MAKE PEACE WITH INDIA, WILL YOUR MAJESTY NOW HEAR THE APPLICANTS FOR THIS HIGH OFFICE? Cut to King, who nods assent. KING: MMM... LET THE FIRST CANDIDATE COME FORWARD: Drums roll to announCe the entrance of ZAPPO THE GREAT, a tatty conjurer, in an aberrated persianized evening dress. He rolls up his sleeves. ZAPPO: DIPLOMACY IS BUT SLEISHT OF HAND! (flips out led balls and zips them away) WHO BETTER TO REPRESENT YOUR MAJESTY... (poof: paper flowers appear from his hand, he places them on the King's throne) THAN... (zips open coat, pigeons fly out carrying a banner marked 'Zappo the Great') ZAPPO THE GREAT! (juggling white rabbits in his hands) WHOSE HANDS ARE QUICKER THAN THE EYE! (Then flipping cards) TO ENTERTAIN! (pulls out knotted handkerchief) DECEIVE! (woof: handkerchief turns out into huge gold and green flag with' Persia' written on it) AMUSE! (lights a cigar, bang: it explodes) PERPLEX! (he flips handkerchief back and forth, pulls it away, revealing a goldfish in a bowl, spins goldfish and bowl in the air and rolls it across his shoulders, from his right hand into his left, where it disappears in his cloak) OUTWIT! (lifts hat off, revealing goldfish and bowl on his head). Cut to King, who looks up in a mixture of boredom and disgust. Cut to Zappo, who has gloved hands extended out on movable wooden hinges, ZAPPO THE GREAT: CONFUSE! (he flips open a deck of cards with one gloved hand) DISMAY! (other phony hand takes a card) Cut to King, who grunts to eunuch. Eunuch pulls sash, trap door opens beneath Zappa and he plummets through floor, cards flying in the air) ZAPPO THE GREAT: ALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArm... Trap door closes as cards fall to the ground. The three ghouls zip in and sweep cards up and zip out. Cut to Vizier, VIZIER: AND NOW THE SECOND APPLICANT: There is a smattering of applause as the POLITICIAN promenades along a magnificent carpet towards the throne. He bows: POLITICIAN: NEGOTIATION IS THE BASIS OF ALL AGREEMENT, PROVIDED THAT CERTAIN NATIONAL INTERESTS... AHH... BE HONOURED... Cut to King, bored. Cut to Vizier, delighted at King's reaction. ... DESPITE THE NARROW ATTITUDE OF OTHER NEGOTIATORS BASED ON THEIR NATIONALISTIC INVOLVEMENTS (effect of sound and picture speeding up) AHDAHDAHDAHABADABADAHBA... (picture and sound running down back to normal) AH BA DA BA THUS PRODUCING A STATE OF AGREEMENT BETWEEN NATIONS. (He bows). Nominal grunts and scattered half-hearted applause from courtroom. Vizier looks to King. King mutters, MMM... THANK YOU... THANK YOU... KING: (gestures his dismissal. The Politician graciously turns and sweeps out). Cut to Vizier. VIZIER: AND THE NEXT APPLICANT: There is an enormous crash, like a ten-pin bowling ball strike, as we See General IRONPANTS, pushing his soldiers aside. GENERAL IRONPANTS: (Bellowing) MAJESTY, PUT NOT YOUR TRUST IN IDLE CHATTER! (He crashes his way towards the throne) LEAD YOUR SOLDIERS AGAINST THIS INDIAN DESPOT! Cut to King, who obviously does not want to fight. KING: MMM ... IRONPANTS: THE SWORD (he unsheathes it) SHALL DECIDE ! (He is too old and the sword is too heavy, and it falls to the ground, at the King's feet. The General gets it up with tremendous effort and the sword now gets out of cortrol, carrying the General around the room). IRONPANTS : GIVE HIM A TASTE OF STEEL! GET HIM ON HIS KNEES! (the sword just misses the Grand Vizier) STRIP HIM OF HIS FANCY PANTS! (just misses the Vizier again) AND GIVE IT TO HIM IN THE GUTS! (He charges the Grand Vizier, still with the sword leading the action, and pins the Vizier's robe to the floor, There is a rip as the Vizier rushes and hides behind the King's throne). IRONPANTS: CUT AND PARRY! SLASH, HUE AND HACK! (approaching the throne again) LET THE BLOOD FLOW! Cut to Vizier signalling frantically to two of the General's ADC's, who come silently out and take the General away, screaming). IRONPANTS: HACK! HACK: HACK A WA Y ! BEAT HIM TO HIS KNEES! CUT, SLASH AND PARRY! CUT A SLICE OFF HIM! (his energy now almost spent, he cannot lift the sword any more; his ADC's take him along the magnificent carpet and the dragging sword slices it up the middle as they go). IRONPANTS : BLAST HIM! CUT HIM! SLASH HIM! (gibberish) Cut to King, horrified at the whole thing, gives a chicken-hearted shudder. Cut to Vizier, delighted. VIZIER: AND THE NEXT APPLICANT! We see an effeminate POET, who looks like a flower, he minces towards the throne and bows. He unravels a parchment scroll, beautifully illuminated with the words 'Let Peace Reign: ' POET: (in high effeminate voice) LET PEACE REIGN! (getting carried away, he steps on his parchment scroll) WHY DISCORD AND HARSH ABUSE, (now entirely tied up in his scroll) TWIXT PERSIA AND BROTHER INDIA ? Takes out white dove from cloak LET UNDERSTANDING BLOSSOM! White dove, with pink streamers flutters up into the air above the Poet's head and drops' one' into the Poet's eye. Temporarily blinded, he turns, walking on his scroll, away from the King and Vizier. AND PEACE AND LOVE, AND HARMONY OF HEARTS ! (discovers he is the wrong way round, turns back along his parchment towards the King, tugs at the scroll) FOR EVER AFTER! Cut to Vizier, who looks to the King, Cut to King, almost throwing up, KING: AEAA WGHHHHHLO ... Vizier, delighted, turns to Poet, his hand out in a violent gesture of dismissal. The Poet's lily-white robes, turning brown at the edges, fill with air from the gesture, as he scurries out like a wilted flower. Cut to Vizier, VIZIER: AND THE NEXT: As the Poet shuffles away, RAMBLING ACHMET leaps in, with an enormous electrified Persian lute, with three sets of string boards, as if d1ree instruments are combined in one. RAMBLING ACHMET: I AM RAMBLING ACHMET WITH MY WONDROUS LUTE! He strikes a chord and strings break and electric 'shorts' occur, giving him fast electric shocks which delight him, RAMBLING ACHMET: (Recitative style) MUSIC SOOTHES THE HEART OF EVERY MAN AND BEAST, REMOVING WAR AND PESTILENCE, AND BRINGING PEACE AT LEAST! He strikes an enormous chord. More strings break. More electric shocks and his hair fries slightly, (To the tune of 'Down by the riverside', he prances round the courtroom) RAMBLING ACHMET: I'M GONNA LAY DOWN MY SWORD AND SHIELD DOWN BY THE PERSIAN GULF, DOWN BY THE PERSIAN GULF, DOWN BY THE PERSIAN GULF, I'M GONNA LAY DOWN MY HEAVY LOAD DOWN BY THE PERSIAN GULF, I AIN'T GONNA STUDY WAR NO MORE ... Cut to King, who is revolted and m2kes a signal to The Vizier. The Vizier and the eunuch, behind the King's throne, both rush off screen. RAMBLING ACHMET : AIN'T GONNA STUDY WAR NO MORE, AIN'T GONNA STUDY WAR NO MORE, I AIN'T GONNA STUDY WAR NO MORE, I AIN'T-A-GONNA STUDY ... (Rambling Achmet does a grind at the King) ... WAR... (Flash cut of King, horrified) NO MORE... STUDY WAR NO MORE, I AIN'T GONNA STUDY WAR NO MORE... Eunuch pulls a cord and a silk curtain rolls up, revealing an old -fashioned electric railway switch, beautifully engraved. RAMBLING ACHMET: I'M GONNA DROP ME A GREAT BIG CLANGER, RIGHT IN THE PERSIAN GULF, RIGHT IN THE PERSIAN GULF ... Vizier pulls switch, ka-chung : RIGHT IN THE PERSIAN GULF, I'M GONNA DROP ME ... We zoom into Rambling Achmet' s electric wire cord and pan rapidly along it, where the electric charge hits it and we follow the wire back to Rambling Achmet. ... A GREAT BIG CLANGER RIGHT IN THE PERSIAN GULF, I AIN'T GONNA ... STUDY ... (the charge hits him) WAR NOOOOOOOO ... MOOOOOOORE ... (he lights up like a jukebox and fries completely, delighted as he does, Frying, he exits 'a la vaudeville', bursts into smoke, smashes through a beautiful Persian stained glass wi ndow .) Cut to outside Palace, as he spirals down like a smoking spitfire in flames. Cut back into courtroom crowd muttering as we hear an electrified crash, Cut to the King, who is bored and disgusted. The Grand Vizier polishes his rings, wets his eyebrows and shoots in front of the king: VIZIER: AND, FINALLY, MAY I, IN ALL HUMILITY, OFFER MYSELF (he grovels on the floor like a black pancake) AS THE FINAL CANDIDATE FOR THIS HIGH OFFICE OF AMBASSADOR? HAVING THROUGHOUT YOUR MAJESTY'S RULE TOILED, NAY, SLAVED (he is dancing now) TO REFLECT YOUR EVERY WHIM! TO PROTECT! AND ENHANCE THE STATURE OF THE THRONE! TO GLORIFY THE STATE! (he drops to the ground and wriggles on his belly towards the throne) AND TO SELFLESSLY SERVE THE NATION AS YOUR MAJESTY WOULD WISH IT TO BE SERVED! (He has his nose on the throne, at the King's feet. The King gives no indication of anything, and the Vizier signals with his hand, which the King cannot see, to his bejewelled Sycophants, who start the applause). Cut to the full panorama of the courtroom as the applause grows. ANWAR, the Grand Vizier, takes his nose off the throne and backs up across the courtroom floor into the arms of his applauding Sycophants. Cut to the courtroom crowd as the applause dies down and everybody looks to the King. The King, world-weary, slowly raises his head from his reverie, KING: I HAVE HEARD, AND SEEN... APPLICATIONS FOR THE POST OF AMBASSADOR FROM MEN WHO I WOULD NOT EMPLOY... TO COMB THE TAIL OF A DONKEY! (Angry now - he has woken up) ALL I WANT IS A MAN ... TO REPRESENT... OUR MAJESTY... AT THE COURT OF THE GREAT MOGUL OF INDIA. Cut to the courtroom in hushed silence. Cut to the King, who raises his eyes to heaven and puts up his hand, KING: I THEREFORE APPOINT ... (the drums roll, the King's finger comes forward to the screen and travels along the line of candidates, who crane forward in anticipa tion) , Cut to the Grand Vizier, surrounded by his Sycophants, Cut to the Politician, craning forward. Cut to the Poet, with his parchment scroll. Cut to General Ironpants, who is still struggling, as if behind bars, which are the staves of his two ADC's, like a gorilla trying to get out. Cut to the now smouldering Rambling Achmet, all hair fried off, with a bit of left-over lute - he is like a charred cinder - little electric' shorts' still occurring, Cut to the King's hand as the drums come to a climax. The King draws his hand forward. KING: ... NASRUDIN ! There is a big whiz pan round the courtroom ending on Nasrudin seated calmly in the crowd. Cut to the Grand Vizier, who gasps as his eye-balls flash bright green. Track out to reveal his sycophants who immediately zip over to Nasrudin ; they fawn over him, surrepti tiously flashing money, jewels, trinkets, whispering such words as : SYCOPHANTS : MARVELLOUS! ISN'T HE HANDSOME! A MAGNI-FICENT PROFILE! SO SUAVE! THE ROBES WILL SET HIM OFF: SUCH DIGNITY ... ISN'T HE LOVELY! SUCH POISE! SUCH COMMAND! SUCH POTENTIAL! ETC... 1st SYCOPHANT: (Calling out to King) AN EXCELLENT CHOICE, YOUR MAJESTY! 2nd SYCOPHANT: A GLORIOUS CHOICE, YOUR MAJESTY! Cut to Vizier, trying to pull himself together. VIZIER: (to King) TRULY INSPIRED ... (louder) GREATLY PREFERRED! TRULY INSPIRED! Cut to the King, back in his reverie. KING: PREPARE THE AMBASSADOR AND HIS CARAVAN. Fast fade to black. We track back from a large black circle, which turns out to be the mouth of the palace herald, surrounded by four trumpeters; the assembled populace in serried ranks outside the palace below. PALACE HERALD : OOOOOOOOOOOOH ! PEOPLE! Great hush. THE KING HAS CHOSEN OUR OWN MULLA NASRUDIN AS AMBASSADOR TO INDIA! Wild cheer from crowd, including: CROWD: GOOD OLD NASRUDIN ! THAT'S OUR MAN ! WE KNEW HE'D MAKE IT ! HE'LL LOOK AFTER OUR INTERESTS! PALACE HERALD: LONG LIVE AMBASSADOR NASRUDIN ! CROWD: LONG LIVE AMBASSADOR NASRUDIN ! LONG LIVE AMBASSADOR NASRUDIN ! LONG LIVE AMBASSADOR NASRUDIN ! ETC... Trumpets blasting. Fade to black. VIZIER IN CAVE (Sequence 16) Sound carries over as we fade in on the revolving Grand Vizier's green eye-balls. VIZIER: AMBASSADOR? Track out revealing his face. AMBASSADOR NASRUDIN ? Track out a little further to show that Anwar is in a grey-green cave, with flickering candle-light. I'LL TEACH NASRUDIN TO THWART ANWAR THE GRAND VIZIER! We have pulled back sufficiently now to show a vulture perched on Anwar's shoulder. He is an exact vulture duplicate of Anwar. VULTURE: ANWAR, THE GRAND VIZIER! CLACK! CLACK! CLACK ! VIZIER: I'LL FIX HIM! VULTURE: (shooting out his claw) I'LL FIX HIM! CLACK!: CLACK! CLACK! VIZIER: (oily sentiment) MY FRIENDS ... Cut back to reveal the assembled sycophants sitting in a semi -circle at his feet. YOU HAVE DONE WELL TO BEFRIEND NASRUDIN, The Vulture's head sinks into his neck feathers, VULTURE : ARGGHH ... VIZIER: NOW ... THIS IS WHAT WE DO ... He points his bejewelled fingers at camera and a red ruby comes upright into lens, which does a combina tion of ripple glass and vaseline dissolve to a treasurechest full of glittering jewels. Anwar's dialogue is mixed Over his own whisper and four or five tracks of his own voice superimposed on itself. VIZIER: STEAL THE JEWELS FROM HIS GIFT TREASURECHEST, AND REPLACE THEM WITH EARTH _ (We see through a white haze these scenes being enacted out in pantomime, giving a flash-forward effect) VIZIER: TEACH HIM THE WRONG COURT ETIQUETTE: - GET HIM TO CALL THE GREAT MOGUL OF INDIA BY THE WRONG TITLES!: GIVE HIM A BROKEN SWORD TO DEFEND HIMSELF WITH ON THE JOURNEY: Same mixture of ripple and vaseline dissolve as'red ruby on the Vizier's finger draws back away from the camera. Back to Anwar in the cave. VIZIER: AND FOR THE FINAL TRICK, GET HIM TO HIRE A CARAVAN MASTER ... VULTURE : CARAVAN MASTER ... ARK! CLACK! CLACK! CLACK! VIZIER: WHO MIGHT... The background starts to slowly dissolve lighter and the Vulture, on Anwar's shoulder, slowly fades away, VIZIER: ... BE WEARINS DARK GLASSES (dark glasses slowly fade on Anwar) AND A PURPLE ROBE .... (his black robes dissolve to a violent purple) WITH AN ORANGE SASH ... (orange sash fades on round his middle. The background is getting much lighter now) AND WHO WILL BE HEAVILY BEARDED (a large red beard dissolves on his face.) Dissolve. MARKET PLACE (Sequence 17) TOWNSPEOPLE: 1st SYCOPHANT: 2nd SYCOPHANT: 1st SYCOPHANT: OTHER SYCOPHANTS: 1st SYCOPHANT: OTHER SYCOPHANTS : There is the sound of a market1JIace and we pull back to reveal tile fully disguised CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER in the bustling market-place, at noon. We pan through the crowd hubbub to find Nasrudin surrounded by various townspeople, crying such things as : NASRUDIN, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE FIREWOOD? NASRUDIN, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE SHEEP? NASRUDIN, WHERE DO WE PUT THE TENTS? AND THE WATER JARS? AND THE WOOD? AND THE COOKING POTS? AND THE CAMELS? '.. We have pulled back now to reveal a large crowd full of goats, camels and paraphernalia for the trip, with the sycophants looking on from behind Some Ali Baba type oil pots. The sycophants force their way through the crowd to Nasrudin, and bow and scrape before him. o NOBLE AMBASSADOR: o EMINENT EXCELLENCY: o GREAT EMISSARY: YOU SHOULD NOT BE BOTHERED WITH SUCH DETAILS: YOU SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE TO THINK: TO REFLECT: TO MEDITATE: TO THINK: TO REFLECT: AND TO FORMULATE YOUR DIPLOMA TIC STRATEGY: YES, INDEED: TO FORMULATE STRATEGY: TO REFLECT: TO CONSIDER: TO MEDITATE: 1 st SYCOPHANT: OTHER SYCOPHANTS: 1st SYCOPHANT: 2nd SYCOPHANT: 1 st SYCOPHANT : NASRUDIN : YOU NEED A CARA VAN MASTER, TO FREE YOU FROM ALL THE TRIFLING DETAILS: A CARAVAN MASTER: A CARAVAN MASTER: TO HANDLE THE DETAILS: TO FREE YOU TO THINK: MAY WE SUGGEST THIS MAN (pan to purple Caravan Master/Vizier, carrying rolls of maps, etc...) WHOSE EXPERIENCE IS UNMATCHED (Caravan Master/ Vizier bows low in front of Nasrudin) AND WHOSE FEE IS NOTHING COMPARED WITH THE AMOUNT OF TROUBLE HE CAN SAVE YOU ! VERY WELL. (and he turns away from the fawning crowd) Fade to black. WIFE DRESSING (Sequence 18) NASRUDIN : KERIMA : NASRUDlN: KERIMA : NASRUDIN : KERIMA : NASRUDIN : KERIMA : NASRUDIN : Fade in on Nasrudin, walking up to the front door of his house - He sticks his head into the door. KERIMA, MY BELOVED ... NEXT WEEK: I AM LEAVING FOR INDIA LEAVING FOR INDIA? WHAT ARE YOU LEAVING FOR INDIA FOR? (muttering to herself) ANOTHER OF YOUR STUPID IDEAS, I SUPPOSE! ." SILLY FOOL! ... OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER AT HIS AGE ... (importantly) THE KING IS SENDING ME AS AMBASSADOR TO THE GREAT MOGUL OF INDIA : (satta voce) IDIOT: SECOND CHILDHOOD ! SILLY OLD FOOL! (Loud) AMBASSADOR!!! OH!!! THE JEWELLERY !! THE ROBES ... THE GOWNS... THE SHOES ... I SHALL NEED! THE ATTENDANTS! ... THE MAID SERVANTS: ... THE RETINUE AS BEFITS... A MADAM AMBASSADOR! BUT, DEAR ... THE JEWELS~ THE ROBES~ THE PLUMES... BUT YOU'RE NOT .... (going) SO LITTLE TIME TO PREPARE~ SO LITTLE TIME FOR MY PREPARATIONS ! ... GOING. (He takes out an old saddle-bag, puts in an old book from over there and another old book from over here and goes into the other room, where Kerima, talking all the time, is on a chair on a table, surrounded by servants. She is in a violet robe, plumes all over her head, huge rings are being fitted on her fat fingers and tiny slippers are being forced on to her huge feet, etc ...) KERIMA : TAKE UP THE HEM HERE! MORE FEATHERS: NOT THAT TUNIC! EMERALDS! EMERALDS ... SUIT ME BETTER: WHERE ARE MY PEARLS? AND VELVET, BRING THE VELVET: THAT'S IT: TRY THE SLIPPERS ON ... THE GOLD SLIPPERS: WHERE'S MY SILVER BROCADE? OH! AND THE PLUMES ! THEY'RE Nor GOOD ENOUGH ... WHERE ARE THE OTHERS? TAKE THE HEM IN... HIGHER: THAT'S RIGHT: MORE FEATHERS: ETC". Nasrudin sneaks quietly out. Fade to black, POSH TOWN CRIER (Sequence ~8a) PALACE HERALD: Fade in on the busy market'place outside the palace. The Palace Herald walking under a canape carried by four tiny mignons and with his four trumpeters blasting spasmodically. OYEZ: OYEZ: AMBASSADOR NASRUDIN'S CARAVAN WILL LEAVE THE EAST GATE TO-MORROW AT DAWN FOR INDIA: RESPECTABLE AND RESPONSIBLE PERSONS WISHING TO TRAVEL TO INDIA WITH THIS CARAVAN CAN JOIN NASRUDIN TO-MORROW AT DAWN, AT THE EAST GATE: As he repeats his message, we cut to the THIEF, at the back of the market-place, sneaking along towards a sec tion of the crowd with their backs to him. He sneaks behind a pillar between two arches and looks round spying the beads in the pocket of the other half of himself. He pickpockets his own beads and zips into a corner, where he pockets his stolen loot, sniggers, and does a victory dance in the dust. He suddenly realizes. Fade to black. EAST GATE (Sequence 19) PEDDLERS: NASRUDIN : Fade in inside the East Gate, at dawn, Long shadows, The sun scatters early gold on city roofs, Camels are kneeling and being loaded with crates of live chickens, barrels of cooking fat, big Ali Baba type jars of oil. Don keys are being loaded with amorphous bundles. Hustle and bustle everywhere. Peddlers are going in and out selling things from trays. BUY YOUR ANTI-BRIGAND CHARMS HERE: ... FRESH FRUIT FOR THE JOURNEY: ... GUARANTEED EVIL EYE AVERTERS : AVERT THE EVIL-EYE NOW: (these arc being sold by a Quasimodo man, wearing an eye-patch) . SNAKE-BITE POTION: ANTI-AVALANCHE PILLS: (A man carrying a round world-globe) GET YOUR ROAD MAP HERE ! We go down the line, passing jugglers, fire-eaters, snake-charmers, weight-lifters, sword-swallowers, acrobats, a set of classical Salome dancers, dancing to a drum and a flute. They are terrible painted fat tarts, doing bumps and grinds in the dust (standard oriental music). The THIEF,. in his element, is nipping in and out, looting. TIle cam{ ra goes along to a huge palanquin, being carried by four nondescripts, It is very heavy at one end. The Princess (from the Garden sequence) peeps out. (who is not close enough to see her very clearly, to the Caravan Master/Vizier) WHAT NOBLE LADY IS TRA VELLlNG WITH US TO IND IA ? ENAMOURED... OF A BEAST: The Beast peeps out from the heavy end of the palanquin. NASRUDIN : (recognizing the Beast) ARGHH ... THE BEAST: (recognizing Nasrudin) ARGHH ... (zips back in) CARAVAN MASTER /' VIZIER: THEY ARE GOING TO INDIA TO SEEK THE MAD-HOLYOLD-INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES, TO BREAK THE SPELL: NASRUDIN : SPELL.? CARAVAN MASTER! VIZIER: THE PRINCESS IS CONVINCED THAT THE BEAST IS AN ENCHANTED PRINCE: NASRUDIN : ENCHANTED PRINCE: Cut to the palanquin interior. THE BEAST: (snivelling in one corner) THERE'S THAT TERRIBLE MAN OUTSIDE ... WI-! 0 HIT ME ... (sob, sob) THAT CRUEL MAN HIT ME HERE... PRINCESS: (dabbing the Beast's watery eyes) DON'T CRY, MY PET: WE WILL SOON BE IN INDIA, AND THE MAD-HOLY-OID INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES WILL LIFT THE SPELL AND MAKE YOU FREE, THE BEAST: SHE WILL? SAY SHE WILL: PRINCESS: (dabbing) YES, SHE WILL: THE BEAST: SHE WILL? SAY SHE WILL: PRINCESS: YES, SHE WILL' THE BEAST: (clapping hands together and giggling) SHE WILL: SHE WILL: SHE WILL: SHE WILL: SHE WILL ! SHE WILL: SHE WILL: SHE WILL: Palanquin lifts up and trumpets blast and we cut to the exterior of the East Gate as the Caravan starts to come through. First, mounted bands, big kettle drums playing come through the Gate passing the King and his Courtiers and dignitaries who are on a huge reviewing stand outside the Gate - Populace on all sides - Immediately after the bands come horse-mounted troops, the head of the column carrying flags and banners, followed by a hundred mounted lancers, followed by a tremendous amount of foot soldiers (obvious animation cycle going on an on) They go past with absolute military precision, The music is a Turkish janizary version of Battle Hymn of the Repu / blic. Big kettle drums, snares and jingling johniesAlso fifes, not flutes. Between the last of the IT lrching troops and Nasrudin, there is a slight gap, Nasrudin comes in, gorgeously robed, on his mocked-up donkey. Caparisons, coloured gorse covering the hind quarters. Nasrudin is wearing an enormously long sword in a scabbard. Closely behind him, on classical Persian miniature horses come a dozen gorgeously and effeminately dressed Sycophants dripping with lace embroidery and talking all the time, Saying such things as : SYCOPHANTS: ISN'T IT EXCITING ! WHAT A THRILLING DA Y ~ DON'" WE LOOK SMART', OH : THERE'S THE KING: I LOVE YOUR LACE! YOUR EMBROIDERY IS FINER THAN MINE: MY HORSE COST 1000 GOLD PIECES: MINE COST 2000! ISN'T IT ALL BEAUTIFULLY DONE' WHAT A TOUCHING SEND-OFF: IT TAKES THE PERSIANS TO STAGE THESE THINGS PROPERLY! 111en comes the Caravan Master-Vizier, riding a large black horse. He is followed by some camels with average travellers and traders riding on them. Then comes the palanquin being carried with the Princess and the Beast, looking out. Then this is followed by other travellers with donkeys, some people riding, some walking. The Thief is skirting round the back, obviously having joined the Caravan. Fade to black. KERIMA'S GOWNS KERIMA : I (Sequence 29) Nasrudin's home. Kerima is prancing around, followed by her servants. She is trying on gowns, rings, plumes and shoes. She is talking all the time, TAKE THE HEM IN: I CAN'T POSSIBLY WEAR THAT: I DON'T LIKE THOSE SHOES: THESE LAPELS AREN'T BIG ENOUGH: MORE FEATHERS ON TI-:lIS ONE: GET ME SHOES TO MATCH THIS ONE: BRING ME SOME VELVET: THESE PEARLS AREN'T BIG ENOUGH: I WANT BLUE SHOES TO MATCH THIS ONE: HASN'T ANYBODY GOT NICE HATS? PUT THESE DOWN TO HIS EXCELLENCY'S ACCOUNT: etc ... Fade out to black. I CARAVAN WENDING (Sequenc" 21) Fade in. Sun going down. Aerial view of the city. Caravan wending its way in distance. Fade to black. I NASRUDIN'S HOUSE (Sequenc" 22) KERIMA : BANANA EATER: KERIMA : Next morning - Nasrudin's house overflowing with boxes, bales and bags. Kerima looks out and sees a passing idiot (THE BANANA EA TER) WHERE IS NASRUDIN? WHERE IS HIS EXCELLENCY? NASRUDlN? NASRUDIN LEFT YESTERDAY: AAARGHHH : THE BRUTE: THE FAITHLESS: SHIFTY: BEARDED BRUTE: I'LL CATCH HIM UP: I'LL TEACH HIM : (to the Banana Eater) BRING ME A CARAVAN MASTER, IMMEDIATELY: Fade, I VIZIER CHANGES SIGNS (Sequ~nce 23) VULTURE: Pre-dawn light - Waste land - Forked-road with a sipost, one sign pointing to India and the other to Tibet. There is a cloud of dust coming up over the horizon and the Caravan Master/Vizier gallops up, gets down from his horse; though still disguised, he is now moving like Anwar, the Grand Vizier, no longer the bowing and scraping Caravan Master. He takes down a basket from the horse and turns the sign-post so that the sign to Indi2. is pointing to Tibet. He undoes the basket, pulls out his squawking vulture and puts him on the Tibet sign, thus concealing the word, CLEVER: CLEVER: CLACK: CLACK' CARA VAN MASTER! VIZIER: VULTURE: SIT THERE AND HIDE THE SIGN: ON NO ACCOUNT MOVE: (nodding) ARC ... CARAVAN M\ STERI I VIZIER: :,ND THAT WILL GET RID OF NASRUDIN'S MILITARY ESCORT: He then rams a big bone in the Vulture's mouth, takes the reins of his horse and tiptoes behind a nearby hillock. As he hides, we hear in the distance the sound of drums and marching troops coming to sight. Fade. I MINI-CARAVAN MASTER (SeQ1.!ence 24) KERIMA : TINY MAN : KERI!v'JA : TINY MAN : KERIMA : TINY MAN : KERIMA : Back at Nasrudin's house, Kerima is yelling at a tiny scraggy white-bearded man. HA VE YOU BROUGHT YOUR DONKEYS? YES. LOAD MY BAGGAGE: (She, then, hits him a dozen times) WHY DID YOU HIT ME ? A FAT LOT OF GOOD IT WOULD DO FOR ME TO HIT YOU AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN MY LUGGAGE: TAKE ME TO INDIA : IT WILL COST A HUNDRED GOLD PIECES, MADAM: HERE'S TWO PIECES OF GOLD - I WILL GIVE YOU THE OTHER TWO... WHEN WE GET THERE: NOW, NO . MORE OF YOUR FOOLISH TALK - LOAD UP: WE MUST CATCH MY BRUTE OF A HUSBAND : She makes a sign to two terrible servants who, with the Tiny Man, load her on a poor donkey which sinks to the ground. Dissolve. REFIX SIGN (Sequence 25) Dissolve to sign-.post. The Vulture is cackling and leaping up and down on the Tibet sign-post, which he had been hiding. We see the last of Nasrudin's advance-guard troops vanishing down the road to Tibet, marked 'India'. The Caravan Master/Vizier zips out, gets hold of the Vulture and rams him into his basket and spins the sign around to its original position so that the road to India is rightly marked again. He, then, loses all trace of being the Vizier and becomes the mild Caravan Master/Vizier, gets on his horse slowly and trots out to the right of the screen, just as Nasrudin comes on the left with the rest of the Caravan. THIS LITTLE PIGGY (sequenJ 26) PRINCESS: PRINCESS: Cut to the palanquin passing. Camera goes inside, revealing the Beast who is eating sweetmeats, slobbering and gurgling. The Princess takes his foot and he giggles, THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO MARKET ... THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED HOME... THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD ROASTBEEF ... AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE ... AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT WEE, WEE, WEE.. , WEE, WEE, The Beast is sniggering and snorting. The Princess's sleeve reveals one more toe each time now on the same foot. AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO DELHI ... AND TI-lIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED HOME... AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD SWEETMEATS ... AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE... AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WAS PRETTY ... AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WAS NOT... AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO INDIA AND SAW THE MAD-HOLY-OLD-INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES WHO TURNED HIM BACK INTO A PRINCE: The Beast goes into a fit of gurgling, chuckling, snorting and clapping (baby noises) Cut to Nasrudin's point of view. The palanquin is swinging crazily about all over the place, waltzing out of tile line and back again. Nasrudin, registering disgust at the thought of what is going on inside, MINI -CARAVAN (Sequence 27) KERIMA : Kerima and the Tiny Man are wending their way outside the East Gate. The Tiny Caravan Master is in front, on a donkey weighed down horribly. Kerima is in a great garishly coloured litter on top of a large donkey, Five donkeys follow behind, stacked to the top. screaming abuse at the Tiny Man. Kerima is FASTER: FASTER: GET A MOVE ON, CAN'T YOU: COME ON : HURRY UP: PICK THAT UP: YOU DROPPED MY PLUMES, SILLY OLD FOOL: WHY ARE YOU MAKING SO MUCH DUST? OH: THE DUST: AND THE FLIES: THE FLIES: HURRY UP : GET A MOVE ON! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING? FASTER: FASTER: ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT MY ROBES? OH! THE DUST' COME ON: FASTER: Fade. TENTING DOWN I (Sequence 28) NASRUDIN : CARAVAN MASTER/ VIZIER: SYCOPHANTS: Waste land - Some foliage WE WILL CAMP HERE TONIGHT ! (bowing and scraping) VERY WELL, YOUR EXCELLENCY : (he calls) DISMOUNT: WE CAMP HERE TONIGHT: Cut to Sycophants OH DEAR! INSECTS. AND THE SNAKES: I DO HOPE THEY WILL MAKE MY TENT COMFORTABLE THIS CAMPING IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND DANGEROUS: DO YOU HAVE TO FAY TO CAMP HERE? I SHAN'T SLEEP A WINK: I SHALL BE SO UNCOMFOR TABLE: WHAT ABOUT MY VALUABLE BELONGINGS? ALL WILL BE WELL! THE GUARDS WILL BE AWAKE AND PATROLLING ALL NIGHT: A moving tent comes up in the background and we realize it is the THIEF, stealing everything in sight. Fade, WIFE TENTING DOWN (sequJce 29) KERIMA : KERIMA : Different location - More lush (yelling at Tiny Man) HURRY UP : GET MY TENT UP! FIX IT PROPERLY: ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING? MAKE SURE IT IS ON SMOOTH GROUND: BRING ALL MY GOODS INTO THE TENT: Pull back revealing a gigantic pink, orange and violet tent. Next to it is a tmy dog-house tattered and torn old tent. There is a big hole in the dide, so that we can see the Tiny Man looking desperately out. KEEP MOVING: WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL NIGHT: HURRY UP! WE MUST GET UP EARLY TO CATCH MY HUSBAND: GO TO SLEEP: KEEP WATCH! STAY ALERT: Fade. THE REGISTAN DESERT (sequLce 30) Morning - Nasrudin's caravan arrives at desert edge. There is a clearly demarcated line where the sand starts, This line is covered with signs like: 'WELCOME TO THE REGISTAN DESERT' 'BRIGANDS AFTE R TEN MILES' 'NO WATER FOR THREE HUNDRED MILES - TAKE ON WATER NOW' 'NO WATER HOLES FOR THREE HUNDRED MILES' 'NO LITTER PLEASE' 'THIS IS YOUR DESERT - KEEP IT NEAT' (There is a tiny waste-basket full of bones under this one) A bunch of vultures sit on a sign which reads 'LUNCHEON VULTURES ACCEPTED HERE' Note: later on, as they get into the desert, there should be a persianized Smoky the Bear sign saying: 'WATCH YOUR CIGAR-BUTTS - FOREST FIRES COST LIVES' Nasrudin's caravan wending, wending, wEnding through sweltering heat. Fade to black. THE BRIGANDS (Sequence 31) Fade in on a tiny spot in the middle of the empty desert. The camera does a long track -in to a colony of tattered brigands, They sit, hopelessly, stultified, bored, under a tree made of vulture bones. They have mocked-up clothes lines made of old bones and string bits of burlap sacking for an attempt at shade, They are the Forty Thieves, thirty years after Ali Baba left them and went on to better things, They are terrible looking and monstrous, but hopeless and chicken-hearted. They have hoofed-hands, peg-legs, ears stitched on back wards, dents in heads, horrible scars, eyes missing, heavily muscled, etc... They are covered in dust and their clothing is made of remnants of by-gone days: half a boot, a third of a hat, a piece of a sock, something ripped off an old robe, all stitched together in a hopeles s attempt at dignity, Yle pan over to Chief BOOZDIL, the most aristocratic looking one - He has a home"made sword belt which is an imitation chain of office. He picks up a bone, thinks about eating it when it crumbles in his hand. He shudders, CHIEF BOOZDIL : BRBRBLAHARGH Cut to another Brigand, who amuses himself by building up a pile of bones. Cut to another terrible looking brigand, who picks up a camel sk"Ull, looks at it and slams it into his mouth, grinds it up, swallows and spits out the teeth at his friend sitting nearby, Cut to another brigand, trying to darn what was once a sock. He pushes the string in his eye, but does not blink. Cut to previous Brigand, who has a reasonably high bunch of bones balancing in the air. (' sight' gag) Cut to a sleeping group, one large Brigand supported by the heads of two fellow-brigands, his peg-leg acting as a tripod - A fly lands on his head, he squashes it, but in so doing puts his hand over the eyes of one of the other Bgands helping support him. The other Brigand takes the hand off his eyes and, absently, puts it over the mouth of the top one. The top one's foot then falls on the third Brigand's shoulder, who moves it away back into a bent position, The top Brigand scratches his foot, making his own toe then scratch the neck of the third Brigand. The third Brigand, to stop the scratching, reaches back and grabs the peg-leg of the top Brigand, he pulls it and the group starts to collapse, but the top Brigand's hand slowly comes down taking the weight, We pull back to see that the bone-piling Brigand has quite a high pile now. We pan back to the main group sitting around, bored, drawing in the sand, day-dreaming, etc". As we hear a distant voice, the cam era searches in the direction of the voice, and we see a tiny dot on the horizon (simulation of a telephoto lens shot) running frantically forward, but seemingly getting nowhere, The voice fades up as he gets closer, HOOK: A CARAVAN: A CARAVAN: A CARAVAN: OTHER BRIGANDS I: HOOK: A CARAVAN: A CARAVAN: A CARAVAN: A CARAVAN IS COMING: THERE'S A CARAVAN COMING: A CARAVAN, I TELL YOU: A CARAVAN IS COMING: THERE'S A CARAVAN COMING: A CARAVAN: A CARAVAN: THERE'S A CARAVAN COMING: A CARAVAN IS COMING: (mouth right up c lose to lens now) THERE'S A CARAVAN (he wheels right knocking over the pyramid of bones, which the bone-building Brigand is still admiring - and slides into the main group of Brigands) , A REAL LIVE CARAVAN: . He catches his hook round the central tree made of bones and spins round it. A CARAVAN IS COMING: A CARA VAN: A CARAVAN: A CARAVAN: THERE'S A CARAVAN COMING' A CARA VAN IS COMING: The bone-tree crashes down and a vulture's skull lands on his head covering it. (Note: all Brigands' voices arc Irish) Hoots of disbelief: GET OUT OF IT: AH: AH : VERY FUNNY: COME OFF IT, HOOK: BUZZ OFF: DAH: BUZZ CF F : COME ON, HOOK: WE KNOW: DAH! TELL US ALL ABOUT IT, HOOK: VERY FUNNY: etc... NO: I TELL YOU: CHIEF: CHIEF: CHIEF BOOZDlL: (he grabs BoozdiI' s beard) IT IS A CARAVAN, A REAL LIVE CARA VAN IS COMING' CHIEF BOOZI] L : HOOK: OTHER BRIGANDS: OTHER BRIGANDS: ONE BRIGAND : OTHER BRIGANDS: ONE BRIGAND: A o\RAVAN? A CARAVAN: CARAVAN: DAB: CA-RA-VAN? A CA-RA-VAN DAH ! DAH ... A CARAVAN ... CARA VAN, CARA VAN: A REAL LIVE CARAVAN: (it sinks in) A REAL LIVE CARA VAN: They go mad - They jump on each other, riQe around as if on horses, screaming and yelling, pounding each other on the back. Pandemonium. WE'RE RICH: DAH! RICH: HORSES: HORSES: GOLD: GOLD: SILVER: AND JEWELS! AND RUGS: JEWELS AND RUGS: WE'RE RICH: RICH: RICH: SILVER ... GOLD: JEWELS: RUGS: HORSES: By now they have all disappeared in a cloud of dust. WOMEN: WOMEN! WOMEN: WOMEN! WOMEN: The dust starts to settle, as dirty laughs start. (combing his hair with the teeth of a skull) HEE : HEE: HEE! HEE : (stunned) DAH : WHAT DO WE DO? OTHER BRI GANDS : HOOK: CHIEF BOOZDIL : CHIEF BOOZDIL : OTHER BRIGANDS: CHIEF BOOZDIL : OTHER BRIGANDS: DAH : WHAT DO V.E DO NOW? DAH: NOW WHA T DO WE DO? DAH: WHAT DO WE DO? DAH : WI-IAT DO WE DO NOW? (grabbing Boozdil' s beard again) DAH : YEAH: CHIEF BOOZDIL, WHAT DO WE DO NOW? (with great authority) MA Y I REMIND YOU, GENTLEMEN, THAT WHEN IN DOUBT ... He reaches into an old gunny sack and puI!s out a huge dusty book. The other Br'"gands stare in religious awe, as if the Holy Grail has been produced. CONSUL T (he dusts off the book) THE BRIGANDS' HANDBOOK: (in admiration of Boozdil and vague recoI!ection of by-gone days) DAH: YEAH: YEAH! BRIGANDS' HANDBOOK: DAH: BRIGANDS' HANDBOOK! DAH: I REMEMBER NOW ... BRIGANDS' HANDBOOK: AI! go into respectful silence as Boozdil opens the book to read. Scorpions, flies, gnats and various bugs jump out - there is also a snake which BoozdiJ grabs and uses as a bookmark. He reads: AMBUSH: ASSAULT! ARSON! BATTLE! BURNltC ! BURGLARY: CATTLE RUSTLING: C - CA - CARAVAN A ... A ... ATTACKS ON ... HERE WE ARE 1H EN ... (getting excited) DAH: DAH: YEAH '. YEAH! SHH! SHH ! WAIT! SHH! DAH: DAH ! SHSHH ... CHIEF BOOZDIL : OTHER BRIGANDS: CHIEF BOOZDIL : BRIGANDS : ( reading) THE - BRIGANDS - WILL - TAKE UP - POSITION BEHIND A ROCK. (they are looking round for a rock) A ROCK: A roCK: DAH : A ROCK? The camera pans around the empty desert and finaI!y spies one isolated tiny technicolour persian rock. RIGHT: TAKE UP YOUR POSITI ONS MEN: There is a terrible stamp2de, stumbling and faI!ing, aI! Brigands streaming off towards the rock. Cut to extreme close-up of technicolour rock and the ca mera puI!s back revealing the forty Brigands with their heads behind the rock, like ostriches. Their bodies fuI!y revealed spiI!ing out aI! over the place. (groaning and struggling) SHH: SHH : DAH: BE QUIET! SHUT UP! DAH ' SHUT UP :" GROAN - SHH: DAB: QUIET NJW : Cut to the approaching caravan - Nasrudin, riding on his donkey in front, foI!owed by the Sycophants, foI!owed by the Caravan Master/Vizier on his black horse, foI!owed by camels, followed by the Beast and Princess in the pa lanquin and average traders, horses, donkeys, chickens, etc... and at the very end, following at a safe distance, a walking tent. It is obviously the THIEF. Cut to the view behind the rock, where the Brigands are aI! huddled, heads crushed together and we see the Chief, stiI! with the handbook. CHIEF BOOZDIL : CHIEF BOOZDIL : CHIEF BOOZDIL : (reading) THE - BRIGANDS - WILL - ATTACK - AT _ THE - SOUND - OF - A - TRUMPET... One Brigand climbs up on top of the rock, absolutely tattered and terrible. He has an equally tattered and terrible trumpet, bent, with a piece of old sacking hanging from it in shreds; he makes a hopeless airy blast, with spiders, scorpions, flies and gnats leaping out of the cloud of dust. There is, then, a tremendous scuffle as the whole pack of Brigands appear from behind the rock in a blurr, crea ting clouds of dust. We now observe the &Cene from Nasrudin's point of view. Nasrudin pulls up, the dust cloud settles revealing Chief Boozdil's men in some sort of military line, with Boozdil standing in front, with a tatty flag and with one hand on his sheathed sword. Stern and aggressive, he pauses for a moment, then, suddenly runs over to the book, looks for sonle instructions} the snake still in the book nods, and Boozdil rushes back to his former position and shouts) HALT: I AM CHIEF BOOZDIL AND THIS IS MY BAND OF BRIGANDS: WE ARE TERRIBLE: Pan down the line of horrid looking Brigands. MERCILESS: CRUEL! SADISTIC! AND VICIOUS: AND WE ARE THE SCOURGE OF THE COUNTRYSIDE: There is an enormous pull-back showing an aerial view of the uninhabited desert. Nothing in sight: Cut back to Chief Boozdil in close-up. THE WHOLE CCUNTRY TREMBLES AT THE THOUGHT OF US ! I DEMAND THAT YOU HAND OVER YOUR POS- NASRUDIN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : OTHER BRIGANDS: NASRUUSN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : -SESSIONS OR BE PUT TO THE SWORD. Cut to Nasrudin, stunned. Cut to Caravan Master/Vizier, sniggering at the thought of Nasrudin' s sabotaged sword. (deciding to fight) VERY WELL ! He spurs his donkey forward, but it won't go. Then he pulls out his sword, which is sawn-off at the hilt. There is a moment of tension and we cut to the Caravan Master/Vizier, cackling with delight. Cut to tbe Sycophants, also cackling with delight. Cut to Chief Boozdil who pulls out his sword, which is also sawn -off at the hilt. BUT YOU ARE ONE OF US ! All the Brigands draw their swords, which are also broken-off at the hilt, some half hanging off, some split down the middle, some have just forks, bits of old string, old sticks, etc ... DAH: ONE OF US: HE IS ONE OF US : DAH ! ONE OF US : DAH: HE'S LIKE US: HE MUST BE ONE OF US: (to Chief Boozdil) LET'S TALK THIS OVER. BoozdiI, pleased at the thought of a summit conference. DAHHH : Nasrudin snaps his fingers, gets down offhis donkcy and thp SvcoDhants now sidinQ' with Nasrudin COIn e rushin~t UD. NASRUDIN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : NASRUDTN : CHIEF 1300ZDIL : NASRUDIN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : NASRUDlN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : unrolling a Persian ca rpet and tlwy place two bolsters on top. Nasrudin sits down and reciines against them. Chief BoozdiI, embarrassed, snaps his fingers in an extravagant manner, but his fingers won't snap. Two hope less Brigands rush out and unroll a filthy flour sack and then crouch down themselves on the sack so as to make a support for the Chief. The Chief sits down. (formally) CHIEF BOOZDIL ... NOT BOOZDIL, BOOOZOIL! CHIEF BOOOZDIL : CHIEF BOOOZDlL, I AM NASRUDIN . NASRUDIN ? THE MOOOLAH NASRUDIN : MOOOLAH NASRUDIN : CHIEF BOOOZOlL, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY CRUEL (Brigands look cruel) SADlSTIC ... (they look sadistic) TERRIfJLE '" (tlJeY look terrible) MERCILESS. (they look merciless) AND VICIOUS... (they look vicious) YOU MUST CERTAINLY BE THE SCOURGE OF THE COUNTRYSIDE: YET... YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE DOING VERY WELL ... (self-conscious) WELL, ACTUALLY, IT HAS NOT BEEN TOO GOOD LATELY ... (patting the ground) SINCE ALI BABA LEFT US ... (nostalgic now) IN FACT, TI-IIS IS THE FIRST CARAVAN OTHER BRIGANDS: CHIEF BOOZDIL : OTHER BRIGANDS: CHIEF BOOZDIL : NASRUDIN : OTHER BRIGANDS: NASRUDIN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : OTHER BRIGANDS: WE'VE SEEN FOR THIRTY YEARS ...BUT, IT WAS ALL DIFFERENT ! LONG AGO, (muttering to themselves, drawing in the sand, looking up to heaven, reminiscing) YEAH: DIFFERENT: LONG AGO IT USED TO BE DIFFERENT: IT WAS DIFFERENT THEN: YEAH: IT USED TO BE DIFFERENT: DAH! DIFFERENT, THEN: DAH ! etc... CARAVANS AREN'T WHAT THEY USED TO DE : DO YOU KNOW, LONG AGO, THERE WERE CARAVANS WI TH GOLD ! AND JEWELS: TIMES HAVE CHANGED: (great nodding of heads. Sadness) DAH: CHANGED! YEAH :TIMES HAVE CHANGED ! THINGS AREN'T WHAT THEY WERE! CHANGED: CHANGED: DAH: CHANGED! etc... BUT, THOSE DAYS, THEY WILL COME AGAIN. (to Nasrudin) WON'T THEY? MY FRIENDS, WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME? I WILL TAKE YOU TO RICHER PASTURES... TO INDIA: INDIA? DAH: INDIA? INDIA: TO INDIA: DAH: RICHER PASTURES: DAH: TO INDIA: INDIA : INDIA: etc... THERE WILL BE RICH AND GLORIOUS PICKINGS IN INDIA: GLORIOUS PICKINGS: GLORIOUS PICKINGS: DAH: RICH AND GLORIOUS PICKINGS: DAB: IN INDIA ! DAH: etc... NASRUDIN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : NASRUDlN: CHIEF BOOZDlL : OTHER BRIGANDS: AND THE INDIANS ARE NO MATCH FOR MEN OF YOUR -MARTIAL QUALITIES: They dust themselves down in pride. CHIEF BOOOZDIL, JOIN MY CARAVAN: YOU ARE RIGHT: 0 MOOOLAH NASRUDIN, WE HAVE OUTGROWN THE SLIM PICKINGS OF THIS WASTE LAND : WE ARE NOW READY FOR THE RICH PASTURES OF INDIA : LET'S GO THEN: SADDLE UP : LET'S GO ! (copying) LET'S GO THEN! SADDLE UP: SADDLE UP ! SADDLE UP : LET'S GO : (he realizes they have no horses) LET'S GO THEN: DAH: SADDLE UP: DAH: LET'S CD : DAH: LET'S GO THEN: DAH : SADDLE UP : DAH: LET'S GO! LET'S GO THEN! DAH ! SADDLE UP: SADDLE UP ! SADDLE UP ! They stumble around hopelessly and suddenly they spot tile mounted Sycophants and they start to grin and to nudge each other, with dirty laughs as they approach the terrified Sycophants on their gorgeously adorned horses. Fade to black. VUL TURES AT SIGN (sequenJ 32) KERIMA : Fade in - The sign -posts at the Registan Desert edgeNoon - Hot sun - Two vultures sitting on the' Luncheon Vultures' sign-post, We hear Kerima bellowing away in the distance and we see a tiny cloud of dust approa ching, Kerima's voice getting louder and louder. KEEP MOVING! FASTER: GET A MOVE ON ! HURRY UP! WE'RE LOSING TIME! COME ON! COME ON ! WE HAVE TO GET TO DELHI: WE HAVE TO CATCH UP NASRUDIN ! HURRY: HURRY: ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW THE WAY? YOU WON'T GET YOUR MONEY, YOU KNOW: FASTER! FASTER: WE'LL NEVER GET THERE AT THIS RATE! HURRY UP! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING? GET A MOVE ON : WE'RE LOSING TIME! FASTER: HURRY! COME ON .. COME Q\[ : As the voice gets louder and louder and the cloud of dust gets closer and closer, the Vultures get more and more uneasy until they fj;1ally panic and flyaway, vaaishing into the distance. Fade. OASIS (Sequence 33) Fade in - Evening - Classic oasis palm treesCrescent moon, tents, pool of water in the centre of palm Camera tracks into Brigands sleeping at edge of pool, more or less in the same positions they were in when we first met them, except that now they are wearing Sycophants' clothing, ripped up the centre, torn open, beautiflll breeches split in two, boots split three ways to get them on their feet, the odd ring driven into Brigand's ear, etc... Camera pans to a moving tent in the background. We see a saddle disappear into it. It is the THIEF. The tent continues moving along, looting, and suddenly sinks into the water hole. Cut to the bottom of the pool. We see the tent sitting there as a knife cuts through the canvass frantically, revealing the Thief pinned down with his sto1en loot, which is strapped to his body... As he frantI cally tries to cut himself loose, we cut to the top of the pool with bubbles popping on the surface and pan across to Nasrudin, who is being approached by an honest traveller/trader. HONEST TRA VELr;,ER/ TRADER: , NASRUDIN, SOMETHING SEEMS TO HAVE HAPPENED TO OUR FOOD SUPPLIES. WE WILL HAVE TO GO ON TO OUR EMERGENCY RATIONS. NASRUDIN : VERY WELL. Cut to interior of Caravan Master/Vizier's tent. The Ca ravan Ma ster/Vizicr is sitting in front of a tremendous table spread with fish and game, roast legs of lamb, pheasant, sweets, cakes. Lush everything. Round the walls, stacked up to the tent roof are huge boxes labelled . 'Tongue 'Pheasant' 'Assorted Game' 'HaIva' 'Turkish Delight' 'Lamb Cutlets' 'Prime Beef' 'Best Biscuits' CARA VAN MASTE~/ VIZIER: 'Sugar' 'Butter' 'Tea' 'Coffee' 'Cake' 'Soup' 'Caviar'. TIle Sycophants are standing, looking on, slavering a bit. They have lost about half of their clothes by now and they clutch what is left in a semblance of dignity. (pheasant's leg in his hand, rolling it slowly and looking at it) MY PLANS ARE GOING WELL. (takes a small bite) MY FRIENDS, JOIN ME IN MY SIMPLE MEAL. (he - "" throws them a leg of pheasant with two bites out of it _ their share. Camera holds on Sycophants, slobbering and snatching at it, knashing, while bowing and scrapIng and smiling at the Caravan Master/Vizier. The Caravan Master/Vizier slowly picks off a wing, regards it - he has all the time in the world. Cut back to the Sycophants knashing and slobbering. Fade to black. PORT BANDERABAS (Sequence (34) CARAVAN MASTER'/ VIZIER: SYCOPHANTS: CARAVAN MASTER!. VIZIER: NASRUDIN : CARA VAN MASTER;' VIZIER: NASRUDIN : PEDDLERS: Fade in - Nasrudin' s caravan comes over a hill and sees the Indian Ocean, broad and beautiful, spread out below. (to Nasrudin) EXCELLENCY, BEHOLD THE INDIAN 0:; EAN ! The Sycophants all fall about. THE INDIAN OCEAN: HOW BEAUTIFUL! HOW IMMENSE AND BREATH-TAKING: WHAT A MARVELLOUS SIGHT: THE MONEY YOU COULD MAKE IF YOU HAD A GUEST HOUSE HERE: WHAT SPLENDOUR : WHAT COLOUR: (bowing and scraping) IS IT NOT A MAGNIFICENT VIEW, YOUR EXCELLENCY? YES, WHAT A DELIGHT: BUT IF ONLY... IF ONLY... (more bowing and scraping) IF ONLY WHAT, 0 GREAT AMBASSADOR? IF ONLY THEY HAD NOT PUT WATER INTO IT: Dissolve to dockside. The caravan loading on to a huge ratty looking ship. The entire scene is tatty, the town and people are amorphous and tatty . This scene is very similar to the East Gate scene, but with a nautical flavour. AMULETS: CHARMS! ANTI-WHALE TALISMANS: SEA-SERPENT AVERTERS: TYPHOON INSURANCE: Ropes, life-belts, life-rafts. Great big fellows with CHORUS OF TRADERS AND SYCOPHANTS ': 'LEARN TO SWIM HERE' signs, acrobats, jugglers, weight-lifters, wrestlers, snake-charmers, swordswallowers, fire-eaters, the same terrible tart)' dancing women, belly-dancing in the dust, but now somehow in nautical dress. Fire-eater with a bowl of money at this feet; people throwing coins in the bowl. The THIEF nips it. Cut to Thief, in full picture, snickering. A stream of fire comes in from the left. Woof: The Thief, black like a cinder, only his smouldering trousers left, his cloak having burnt off, aI! his stolen goods are hanging visible. Chorus of : MY PURSE: MY WATCH: THERE ARE MY SHOES: HE IS THE ONE WHO STOLE MY SADDLE: THERE'S MY MONEY BAGS: They all converge rn the Thief, bashing him. All loading up into ship - Visual gags with Brigands, camels, donkeys, horses, supplies ready to depart. Fade out. WIFE AND BONES KERIMA : . I (Sequence 3~) Fade in on the deserted Brigands' encampment. Bones lying all about. Cloud of dust appears on the horizon and Kerima and her mini -caravan shoot through the centre of camp. Bones fly everywhere. The action Is all sped up from about 30 revs. to 40 revs. HURRY UP! GET A MOVE ON: PAY ATTENTION: KEEP MOVING: WE'LL NEVER CATCH UP AT THIS RATE: FASTER! PICK UP YOUR HEELS: COME CN ' COME ON: DON'T DAY-DREAM: WAKE UP: HURRY UP: KEEP GOING: FASTER: FASTER: WE MUST CA TCH UP NASRUDIN: COME ON ! GET MOVING ! WE HAVEN'T GOT FOR EVER ! Fade. VOYAGE (Sequence 36) PRINCESS: NASRUDIN : PRINCESS: NASRUDlN : HONEST TRA VELLER : SYCOPHANTS: Moon-light on sea. Calm. The Brigands are asleep in similar positions again - this time they have about two tilirds of the Sycophants' clot hing crushed on to their bodies. Camera pans up to classic silhouette of tile Beast and the Princess against the moon. She is cuddling him and he is gurgling. LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL MOON, THE MOON BEAUTIFUL? DARLING! ISN'T (interrupting) AND USEFUL THOUGH... THE MOON IS MORE USEFUL THAN THE SUN. WHY? BECAUSE, AT NIGHT, WE NEED THE LIGHT MORE. ;v!ore visual devices and gags. The Caravan Master/ Vizier sea-sick. The THIEF nipping from port-hole to port-hole. The Sycophants now wearing the discarded clothes of the Brigands. (to Nasrudin) IS THAT A STORM BREWING? The storm immediately hits them. Ship being tossed about. Terrible typhoon. People shouting. Sycophants screaming, on their knees praying and babbling. WE'LL BE GOOD: WE WON'T LIE OR CHEAT ANYMORE WE PROMISE, WE PROMISE: I'LL BUILD A MOSQUE ! I'LL SPEND NINETY PIECES OF GOLD - A HUNDRED MA YBE : SAVE US, 0 LORD: DON'T LET US DROWN: WE'RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE : etc... Nasmdin is standing by, absolutely calm. The Captain comes up and says to Nasrudin, CAPTAIN: MULLA . YOU ARE A DEVOUT MAN, YOU SHOULD BE PRA YING WITH THE OTHERS. NASRUDIN : I AM ONLY A PASSENGER. EVERYTHING PERTAINING TO THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP IS YOUR CONCERN, NOT MINE: (to Sycophants) FRIENDS, DO NOT MAKE TOO MANY UNNECESSARY PROMISES. I THINK I SEE LAND. All leap up. SYCOPHANTS: LAND: LAND ! LAND: WE'RE SAVED: I TELL YOU LAND, WE'RE SAVED: etc... Dissolve. Cut to Vulture, VULTURE: BECAUSE... CLACK! CLACK: VIZIER: THE FAILURE OF HIS MISSION... Cut to Vulture, terribly excited, VULTURE: FAILURE OF HIS MISSION... ARK... CLACK: FAILURE OF HIS MISSION... Anwar smacks his vulture across the face with a be jewelled hand. The Vulture, physically hurt, but still on Anwar's shoulder sticks his tongue out at Anwar, when he is not looking. VIZIER: ( continuing) WHICH... I SHALL ARRANGE... WILL IMPROVE MY STATURE AND MAKE WAR INEVITABLE: - Vulture, cackling, goes mad again. VULTURE: INEVITABLE: INEVITABLE: CLACK: CLACK: Anwar raises his hand, threatening to hit him again, Vulture pulls back, VIZIER: AND THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD WAR TO LINE MY POCKETS WITH GOLD (his eyes tllrn gold) Cut to Vizier's eye-view of his sycophants, craning forward. VIZIER: YOU WILL, OF COURSE, RECEIVE A MOST ADEQUATE RECOMPENSE FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO ME ! KARACHI (Sequence 37) Dissolve in as the boat has arrived at an equally tatty port, exactly the same as Banderabas, except all the people are dark. In fact we use the same animation but everyOne is dark skinned, Dancers, jugglers, snake-charmers, sword -swallowers, fire-eaters, etc... PEDDLERS: CHARMS: AMULETS! COBRA A VERTERS: SNAKEBITE POTION: MONKEY-BITE CURES: TIGER AVER TERS : ANTI -GORILLA CHARMS: There is a ratty sign over the tatty port, saying 'WELCOME TO KARACHI-GA TEWA Y TO INDIA'. 111ere are monkeys on the sign and monkeys abound, as they do from now on everywhere we go in India, Some Brigands are being unloaded cargolike in huge nets. Sycophants are being carried off very much the worse for wear. The palanquin is being escorted to shore, donkeys, camels etc ... As the THIEF is getting off on the gang-plank, a huge ship's anchor slips out of his cloak, slides over and pulls him down to the sea bottom. Cut to the sea bed as he is frantically trying to cut himself loose from the anchor. Dissolve to outside Karachi, as the caravan is marching past. A large sign covered with chattering monkeys says 'THIS IS QUITE POSITIVELY THE WAY TO THE COURT OF THE NOBLE MOGUL OF INDIA' Camera goes ahead to another sign saying 'EMPEROR OF rhmTAt and ahead to another 'PEARL OF THE EAST' , another 'JEWEL OF THE ORIENT' , 'RULER OF THE WORLD' , another another 'USES' , another 'BURMO SHAVING CREAM' . Camera goes ahead to a final sign which is a huge potrait of the heavily bearded Mogul (Assyrian ringlets) holding the product'SMOOTH' 'COOL' 'REFRESHING'. Dissolve. I WIFE AT BANDERABAS (Sequtfnce 38) Dissolve in amorphous, deserted dockside, harbour. Across the picture comes a rowing boat, piled up one end with boxes, bales, bags, seven donkeys strapped on. This heavy end of the boat is almost in water and Kerima is yelling up at her Tiny Man, who is perched up on th e prow, which i s way up in the air. He is rowing franti cally, his oars hardly touching the water, he is so high up. KERlMA : I ONE: OUT! TWO! OUT! ONE: OUT! TWO: OUT: ONE: OUT: TWO: OUT: ONE: OUT! TWO! OUT: ONE! OUT! TWO: OUT: Fade to black. I HIPPIE ENCAMPMENT (Sequen,ce 39) CARAVAN MASTER'/ VIZIER: NASRUDIN : NASRUDIN : CHIEF HIPPY: Fade in to early" evening - Very lush foliageNasrudin's caravan is marching along. The style has now changed from Persian miniature to Indian miniature. There is a long shot of pillars of lazy smoke in the middle distance. We hear indistinct music and drumming, droningindianish. (bowing and scraping) EXCELLENCY, SHALL WE SPEND THE NIGHT WITH THESE OTHER TRAVELLERS ENCAMPED YONDER? VERY WELL. They march toward encampment. As they approach noise gets louder. They go over a rise which gives way to Hippy Encampment. Eyeball to Eyeball. It is all happening. Classic way-;:mt Hippies smoking pot, hookahs and ordinary cigarettes. Burning incense, cove red in beads, iron crosses, old uniforms, temple bells, tiny gongs, tabJas, drones, guitars, sitars. People all wandering round. ~ Men, ! women. Some sitting down, some snogging. Some of them are caressing and being caressed by gorillas. (rides up, sitting on donkey) GOOD 'EVENING, GENTLEMEN. (long, thin and gangling, covered in hair and beads. Mind really blown, his fingers constantly snapping. Snap Snap Snap. LIKE, GOOD EVENING, MAN: ...COME RESONATE... WITH US MAN : ... BRING YOUR FRIENDS, MAN ... '" COME PARTICIPATE: NASRUDIN : PARTICIPATE... IN WHAT? CHIEF HIPPY: (constantly snapping - twitching) MAN, LIKE... IT'S A LOTUS LOVE-IN, MAN: NASRUDlN : (mild question... for infornn tion) ARE SOME OF YOUR COMPANIONS NOT. " GORILLAS? CHIEF HIPPY: (fingers snapping) LIKE, MAN, THIS IS A LOVE-IN WITH NO RACIAL BARRIERS, MAN : LIKE, THEY'RE KINDA HAIRY, MAN. WE DON'T ASK NO QUESTIONS, MAN..... WE'RE NOT RACISTS ! WE DIG EACH OTHER, MAN : WE ...... (arms fly out) COMMUNICATE! : : (Mick Jagger's voice) Song starts at the trigger word. Immediat ely all get up from their snogging etc... and go into a sort of Mr. Interlocutor shimmy and shake. They ring their bells. CHORUS; COMMUNICA TE: COMMUNICATE: LIKE - WE COMMUNICA TE : CHIEF HIPPY : PARTICIPATE' ANTICIPATE: LIKE, MAN ! WE COMMUNICATE' CHORUS: COMMUNICA TE ! COMMUNICATE: T TT/"-:' CHIEF HIPPY: RESONA TE: lNFlL TRA TE : LIKE, MAN : WE COMMUNICATE ! CHORUS: COMMUNICA TE: COMMUNICATE: LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE ! CHIEF HIPPY: EXASPERATE: lNEBRlA TE : LIKE - YEAH ! WE COMMUNICATE: CHORUS: COMMUNICATE: COMMUNICATE: LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE: CHIEF HIPPY: DEMONSTRATE! EIvlACIATE ! LIKE - ZAP: WE COMMUNICATE: CHORUS: COMMUNICATE: COMMUNICATE ! LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE Slow motion man - mind blown - pans through dancing in slow motion - All others in normal motion. CHIEF HIPPY: DEGENERATE: ABOMINATE ! LIKE - POW! WE COMMUNlCA TE : CHORUS: COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE: LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE: CHIEF HIPPY: GRA VITA TE : AND EMULATE: LIKE - WOW! WE COMMUNICATE: CHORUS: COMMUNICATE: COMMUNICATE: LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE ! CHIEF HIPPY: VASCILLATE ! AND FLUCTUATE: LIKE - BAM ! WE COMMUNICATE: CHORUS: COMMUNICATE: COMMUNICATE ! LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE! CHIEF HIPPY: ABBERATE : AND DESSICATE: LIKE - HOW: WE COMMUNICATE: CHORUS: COMMUNICATE: COMMUNICATE! LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE ! CHIEF HIPPY: EMIGRATE! AND MEDITATE: LIKE - NOW! WE COMMUNICATE ! Manifestly female gorilla carries Chief Hippy off into bushes. Him snapping and nodding throughout. CHORUS: COMMtJNICA TE: COMMUNICATE: LIKE - WE COMMUNICATE! : ! (song end) ASSORTED HIPPIES ~ NASRUDIN : All fizzles out. YEAH YEAH YEAH MAN YEAH DADDY OH YEAH ~ BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, LIKE IT'S COOL, MAN LIKE NOW, ZAP: OH: MAN THERE'S GOOD GRASS HERE MAN. LOVE, DON'T HATE, MAN ! BE COOL, MA'\I, BE FREE MAN ! BE REAL MAN : WE'RE TRIPPING MAN : WE'RE REALLY SPACED OUT MAN : WE'RE WRECKED, MAN: LIKE - WOW, COMMUNE, MAN DO YOUR THING MAN ! They stumble and fall and wander back to their slobbering. Slow motion man pans back through the other way. (to Caravan Master/Vizier - there is a river in mid distance background) I THINK WE SHOULD CAMP... ... ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RNER ... ... IN CASE OUR SNORES SHOULD DISTURB THIS TRANQUIL SCENE... Fade to black. WIFE IN STORM (Sequence 40) KERlMA ; Fade in - Kerima and her tiny boat man rowing straight into a similar storm as to Nasrudin's. Kerima, bellowing, ONE: OUT! TWO: OUT: ONE: OUT: TWO ! OUT: ONE: OUT: TWO: OUT: ONE: OUT: TWO: OUT: ONE: OUT: TWO: OUT: ONE : OUT: TWO: OUT: The storm hits and she continues, unphased, as the storm rages. Fade to biack. POLO GAME (Sequence 41) Fade in - Nasrudin' s caravan going through beantifuI lush, green Indian hills. At tile end of the caravan, following at a safe distance, is the THIEF, rather the worse for wear. Suddenly, a glittering white ball rolls past him and comes to a stop. Entranced, he runs towards it. He reaches to pick it up and Pow: it is a polo game The Thief is caught with the ball by two teams of North Indian horsemen. A visual sequence follows as he desperately tries to get away from the ball, but everywhere he goes the ball follows him, in caves, beh ind trees, in clefts, holes, up mountains. Vie leave hin1 being destroye( by both sides. Note: the thundering horses and all this should be done in classic mogul miniature style - all very beautiful and green. Fade out. DESERT SONG (Sequence 42) Fade in - Nasrudin's evening encampment by a river Extremely beautiful - Early twilight. The Brigands are lolling about, in similar positions to previous, but now they are fully dressed in the Sycophants' clothing. The Sycophants are huddling together for warmth near a camp fire. They are now fully dressed in the Brigands' clothing, The Caravan Master/Vizier is intact, resting against his large black horse. Camera goes towards the Princess with a lute, which she is strumming very music'!illy. Song starts 'WHEN THE SUN COMES SHINING RIGHT THROUGH' - This is like the 'Desert Song' 'THERE'S A PLACE BENEATH THE SUN FOR ALL'. PRINCESS: (soliloquy with lute) BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP, BEAST: URG, URG, URG, PRINCESS: IT FADES LIKE THE FLOWERS IN THE FALL, BEAST YETH ! PRINCESS: BUT TRUE HEAR TS THAT KNOW ONE ANOTHER WILL TRIUMPH AND WIN OVER ALL: PRINCESS: UG: UG : URG: YETH: Song . RIGHT NOW THE WORLD IS KEEPING US APART, BEAST: BUT SOON WE'LL BE TOG ETHER, HEART TO HEAR T, WE'LL BUILD A - HOME JUST FOR TWO FOR ME, DEAR - SWEETHEART AND YOU. 2 PART BARITONE HARMONY PRINCESS; BEAST: BARITONES & OTHER . CAMPFIRE PEOPLE JOINING IN : PRINCESS: CAGED VULTURE : PRINCESS: " ALL: PRINCESS: (Others chording under) ALL: Her two Errol Flynn men join in - marvellous baritones. WHEN - THE - SUN - COMES - SHINING RIGHT THROUGH: UNLOCK THE MAGIC SPELL THAT MAKES US SAD, ACROSS THE SANDS WE'LL FIND THE WITCH WHO'S MAD SHE'LL MAKE US HAPPY AND GLAD, SHE'LL HELP US CAST OFF THE BAD: 00000000 : WHEN - THE - SUN - COMESSHINING RIGHT THROUGH: WE WILL GATHER LILACS IN THE SPRING, BUILD A CASTLE WHERE THE BIRDS DO SING, RACK, RACK: WHEN THE WITCH SEES US THROUGH AND MAKES A PRINCE OUT OF YOU: All campfire including Brigands join in - Harmony: WHEN THE SUN COMES SHINING RIGHT THRCUGH : WE WILL HAVE A LOVELY COSY NEST, WHERE WE LAY OUR HEADS TO DREAM AND REST A PATTER OF TINY FEET OH : IT WILL ALL BE SO SWEET WHEN - THE - SUN COMES (wait for it) SHINING RIGHT THROUGH: I WHOLE CHORUS NOW: RIGHT NOW THE WORLD IS KEEPING US APART BUT SOON WE'LL BE TOGETHER HEART TO HEART: WE'LL BUILD A HOME JUST FOR TWO FOR ME, DEAR SWEETHEART, AND YOU. WHEN THE SUN COMES SHINING RIGHT THROUGH: '. Full campfire continue all blasting away. Nasrudin, who can't stand it says to the Caravan Master/ Vizier, NASRUDIN : I'M GOING TO MEDITATE FOR A WHILE... I MAY BE AWAY ADA Y OR SO - DON'T LEAVE BEFORE I RETURN. CARAVAN MASTER/ . VIZIER: (bowing and scraping) YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND, 0 EXCELLENCY: Nasrudin walks alongside the river leaving the song still blasting away. YOGI (Sequence 43) Dissolve in as Nasrudin comes across an increrlibIy old emaciated Yogi, standing on his head by a tranquil pool. NASRUDIN : (to him self) SURELY A DEVOUT PHILOSOPHER LIKE ME MUST HA VE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH THIS SAINTLY INDIVIDUAL: To the Yogi, who is still upside-down. NASRUDIN : MY DEAR FRIEND, MAY I KNOW THE PURPOSE OF YOUR MANIFESTLY ECSTATIC EXERCISE? Camera swings round to show the Yogi as if he is right side up, with Nasrudin standing upside-down. YOGI: I AM A YOGI A!'m I AM DEDICATED TO THE SERVICE OF ALL LIVING THINGS... ESPECIALLY BIRDS AND FISH. Camera swings round to show Nasrudin standing right side up, with the Yogi upside-down. NASRUDIN :" PRAY, ALLOW ME TO]OIN YOU FOR AS I HAD SUSPECTED WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON. I AM STRONGLY ATTRACTED TO YOOR SENTIMENTS... BECAUSE A FISH ONCE SAVED MY LIFE: Camera swings round - Yogi as if right side up, Nasrudin upside -down. YOGI: HOW PLEASURABLY REMARKABLE: I SHALL BE DELIGHTED TO ADMIT YOU TO MY CD MPANY. FOR ALL MY YEARS OF DEVOTION TO THE CAUSE OF ANIMALS, I HAVE NEVER YET BEEN PRIVILEGED TO ATTAIN SUCH INTIMATE COMMUNION WITH THEM AS YOU - SAVED YOUR LIFE: THIS AMPL Y SUBSTANTIATE OUR DOCTRINE THAT ALL THE ANIMAL KINGDOM IS INTERLINKED. Camera swings round to show Yogi upside-down and Nasrudin right side up. YOGI: PLEASE, FREELY ACCOMMODATE YOURSELF BESIDE ME. Nasrudin stands on his hp2d and they go into a series of difficult positions dissolving in and out to indicate the passage of time. Camera now upside-down so that Nasrudin and the Yogi both appear to be right side up hanging from the earth as if it is the ceiling. YOGI: NOW, IF YOU FEEL ABLE, NOW WE ARE BETTER ACQUAINTED, TO COMMUNICATE TO ME YOUR SUPREME EXPERIENCE WITH THE LIFE -SA VING FISH, I WOULD BE MORE THAN HONOURED ... Nasrudin, tired and fed up. NASRUDIN : " I AM NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT... Camera swings round so that the Yogi is upside-down and Nasrudin painfully gets right side up. NASRUDIN : NOW THAT I HAVE I-IEARD MORE OF YOUR IDEAS. He dusts himself down. The Yogi falls to the ground in front of Nasrudin. YOGI: BUT, MASTER: MASTER: I BESEECH YOU: I NASRUDIN : NASRUDlN : CARAVAN MASTER; VIZIER: IMPLORE YOU: I ABASE MYSELF BEFORE .YOU : He throws dust in his face, IMPART TO ME THE SECRET OF THE LIFE-SAVING FISH: (completely fed up) SINCE YOU INSIST, THE FISH DID SAVE MY LIFE. I WAS STARVING AT THE TIME AND I LIVED ON IT FOR THREE DAYS ! He walks away leaving th! Yogi collapsing in the dust. Dissolve to Nasrudin back at the campfire, shouting, ALL RIGHT, EVERY-BODY, OUT OF HERE: SADDLE UP: LET'S GET (bowing and scraping) YES, YOUR EXCELLENCY... AS YOU COMMAND, YOUR EXCELLENCY ~ (he calls out) SADDLE UP! SADDLE UP! ON TO THE IMPERIAL CITY OF DELHI. Fade to black. I WIFE A T HIPPIE CAMP (Sequeqce 44) KERIMA : Fade in - Hippie Camp - The scene is exactly as before. Hippies snogging, sitars droning etc... A cloud of dust approaches on the horizon and Kerima and her mini -caravan hit the camp like a tornado going through. Pandcmonium. Trees snapped off in her path. Hcr action all sped up : 30 to 45 revs. GET A MOVE ON: HURRY UP: CATCH UP WITH NASRUDIN: KEEP MOVING: NOT FAST ENOUGH: WE'LL NEVER CATCH UP: I KNEW YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOUR JOB! KEEP GOING ! YOU SURE YOU KNOW THE WAY? FASTER: ARE HURRY UP ! GET GOING! WE'LL NEVER CATCH UP LIKE THIS: FASTER: HURRY UP: WE'RE LOSING TIME: ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE WAY TO DELHI? COME ON : COME ON: WE'RE WASTING TIME: HURRY: She vanishes away in the distance. Across her path of wreckage and bewildered hippies, the slow motion Hippy passes through again (use the same animation). THIEF AND FUR RUG (Sequence 45) Nasrudin's caravan passes beautiful miniature palace. Cut to the edge of the palace wall and the THIEF pokes his head over a bunch of bamboo trees. He comes out on bamboo stilts and shuffles along the wall edge. He suddenly sees a tall thin Prince lying on a huge fur rug on a pavilion. The Prince is looking at jewels in a box. He closes the box and goes to sleep with the box beside him right in the middle of the fur rug. The Thief, commando-style, climbs down vines, crawls on his belly across the pavilion, up the steps into the rug and surfaces beside the jewel-box. He grabs the jewelbox, checks to see that the jewels are still in it and turns to escape. Then, at the edge of the fur rug, encircling him, huge dogs' heads raise up. In fact, the rug is made of huge dogs, bottom to bottom, making a circle. Cut to the outside of the beautiful miniature palace. We hear horrid rending noises. OUTSIDE DELHI I (Sequence 46) Fade in - They sight the minarets of DeIhL CARA VAN MASTER/ . VIZIER: BEHOLD, YOUR EXCELLENCY... THE MINARETS OF THE IMPERIAL CITY OF DELHI: (bowing and scraping) MA Y I SUGGEST WE CAMP HERE TONIGHT AND ENTER THE CITY TOMORROW - IN TRIUMPH! NASRUDIN : VERY WELL. The Caravan Master/Vizier goes away, chuckling silently to himself. Dissolve. CARAVAN MASTER'S TENT I (Sequence 47) The Caravan Master/Vizier is eating pheasant and grapes etc... , the now hopelessly tattered Sycophants all around CARAVAN MASTER/ . VIZIER: TRIUMPH? ... NASRUDIN ENTER IN TRIUMPH: He laughs. CAGED VULTUREI: sniggering, CACKLE, CACKLE: CLACK: CLACK: CARAVAN MASTER/ . VIZIER: throws a half-eaten leg to a Sycophant, who picks it up from the dust and eats it with happy smiling, etc... WITH HIS TRUNK FULL OF MUD? CACKLE: CACKLE' CHIEF SYCOPHANT: laughs horridly, waving his chewed bone, AND NOT KNOWING THE RIGHT COURT ETIQUETTE: All laugh hysterically OTHER SYCOPHANT: USING THE WRONG TITLES: All roar and cackle. ANOTHER SYCOPHANT: (hysterical) AND RIDING ON HIS TATTY DONKEY INTO THE PRE- . SENCE OF THE GREAT MOGUL OF INDIA : TIley all cackle hysterically and the Caravan Master/ Vizier throws another leg and bits of food to the Syco phants, who scramble in the dust for it. As they are still laughing hysterically, the Vulture bites the leg of the worst-off Sycophant. P!:Iilptn hbrJc I CARA VANS DIVERGE (Sequen"ce 48) PRINCESS: GUlDE : Fade in - Morning - Big encampment - Fires burning _ People packing up. Cut to the palanquin with the Princess peeping out. There is an Indian guide, carrying a mocked-up sandwich-board, which says 'Guided Tours of Delhi and local points of interest' CAN YOU GUIDE US TO THE SANCTUARY OF THE MADHOLY-OLD-INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES? INDUBITABLY: NOT ONLY WILL I GUlDE YOU TO THE SANCTUARY OF THE MAD-HOLY-OLD-INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES, BUT I WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE SANCTUARY OF THE MAD-HOLY-OLD-INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES. Cut to a top shot of the main caravan going off to Delhi and the palanquin diverging; going off to the left, heading for the Illounrains in the di-stance. DELHI PALACE (Sequence 49) PARA TA : PARATA : Cam era going through the gateway into Delhi city. Groups lining the route. Camera goes through walls into Palace, into the courtroom. The Mogul King is lolling on a throne, surrounded_ by courtiers" and women painting his toes, fanning him and dropping grapes into his mouth. He is lying on themin fact, the throne almost appears to be made up of voIup tuous dusky maidens. Courtiers look on, hungry. This is interrupted by PARATA, calling, 0, GREAT AND NOBLE MOGUL - EMPEROR OF INDIA: YOUR GRAND VIZIER, PARATA, BEGS AUDIENCE. Mogul, bored, looking up from his activities, beckons Parata to enter. Parata comes in, bowing and scraping and kissing the ground, throwing invisiLie dust on his face, approaching the throne. He gets up to the threshold of the throne, still kissing the ground and gives a perfunctory kiss to what he thinks is the Mogul's foot, but which is one of the girls' feet. Parata sees it is a woman and gives it the full treatment, wo rking his way up the leg. The Mogul has a sceptre, lolling back in one of his hands and he slugs Parata on the head. staggering back from the throne, OOOOH ! ..... 0 GREAT AND NOBLE MOSUL ! YOUR BLOW HAS ENNOBLED POOR PARATA, YOUR GRAND VIZIER: TIle Mogul just looks at him and resumes his attentions to the ladies. During all this, negro slaves are carrying enormous plates above their heads and place them down in front of the Mogul, revealing fat, voluptuous women on the trays. The Mogul feels their flesh as if he was feeling the fruit or pressing the cheese. When his finger really sinks in, he nods 'YES' . PARATA SONG (Sequence 50) Cut to Parata, stilI dazed. Soliloquy, with music, mikado like. PARATA: I AM, OF COURSE, PARATA THE INDIAN GRAND VIZIER! Indian instruments - B'DOINGGGGGG I AM SO EXTREMELY CUNNING THAT I DO OUTWIT MYSELF! COURTROOM CHORUS : HE DOES OUTWIT HIMSELF! HE DOES OUTWIT HIMSELF! HE IS SO EXTREMELY CUNNING THAT HE DOES OUTWIT HIMSELF: (Parata preens during the chorus) PARATA : I AM A SOURCE OF CONSTANT CONFUSION TO MY OWN PERSONAL SELF! HORNE OF MY OWN DEVIOUSNESS EVEN TO MYSELF! COURTROOM CHORUS: (as Parata dances) EVEN TO HIMSELF! EVEN TO HIMSELF! HE IS A SOURCE OF GREAT CONFUSION EVEN TO HIMSELF! PARATA : I AM DEVIOUS AND CUNNING IN ORDER TO SURVIVE! IT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT I, PARATA, CAN KEEP MYSELF ALIVE! COURTROOM CHORUS: CAN KEEP HIMSELF ALIVE! CAN KEEP HIMSELF ALIVE! IT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT HE, PARATA, CAN KEEP HIMSELF ALIVE! PARATA: BUT - I LIKE IT ! HOW I LIKE IT! IT KEEPS MY BRAIN SO FIT! COURTROOM CHORUS: (as Parata dances) BUT HE LIKES IT! HOW HE LIKES IT! BECAUSE IT KEEPS HIS BRAIN SO FIT! PARATA: I'M SO CUNNING, I MAY TELL YOU I FILL MY POCKETS BY MY CRAFT ! COURTROOM CHORUS: (as Parata dances in front again) FILLS HIS POCKETS BY HIS CRAFT! FILLS HIS POCKETS BY HIS CRAFT ! HE'S SO CUNNING WE MAY TELL YOU HE FILLS HlS POCKETS BY HIS CRAFT! PARATA: MY GUILE IS WITHOUT BOTTOM! AND MY CUNNING WITHOUT END! COURTROOM CHORUS WITH PARATA: HIS CUNNING WITH OUT END! HIS CUNNING WITHOUT END! HIS GUILE IS WITHOUT BOTTOM! AND HIS CUNNING WITHOUT END! PARATA: (bastardised to an Indian version of 'Greensleeves' now) OUTWIT MYSELF, OUTWIT MYSELF! I CONSTANTLY CONFUSE MYSELF! MY SUBTLETIES ARE SO REFINED THAT I OFTEN LEAVE MYSELF BEHIND! MY DUPLICITY IS SO COMPLETE THAT MY TWO SELVES WILL NEVER MEET! I CONSTANTLY OUTWIT MYSELF THAT MY PLOTTING OUTWITS EVEN ME. COURTROOM CHORUS: THAT HIS PLOTTING OUTWITS EVEN HE ... At the end of the song, a messenger comes running up. He is an Indian version of the Persian messenger. MESSENGER: o GRAND VIZIER PARATA! THE PERSIAN CARAVAN IS WITHIN A LEAGUE OF THE CITY! PARATA: (to messenger) LET THEM BE RECEIVED WITH FULL HONOURS ! Messenger shoots off. Other courtiers following. Fade. FULL HONOURS . I (Sequence 5~) Fade in. Nasrudin's caravan en route to Delhi gate. Dancing girls again, massive crowds lining the route, military escort and bands riding up, elephants, etc... everybody coming to see. Impression of taking time - All is so enormous and grand. Fade. I MAD-HOLY-OLD-INDIAN-WITCJH (Sequence 52) PRINCESS: WITCH: PRINCESS: WITCH: PRINCESS: Fade in. Early evening light. The palanquin and guide are high up in the mountains. They arrive at an 'EI Rancho Grande' type of sign-entrance, which says 'The Mad-Holy Old-Indian-Witch of Benares' . The witch is sitting beside a cave. Her eyes are completely mad and she is an old wizened white-haired woman with big ears. They enter and just before the palanquin stops, the Prcess gives the guide a purse. The guide gives an Indian bow and exits. The Princess gets out of the palanquin and formally approaches the witch. o MAD AND HOLY OLD INDIAN WITCH OF BENARES ... GREETINGS: disinterested GREETINGS? . , GREETINGS?.. (realizing) AHH ... GREETINGS: o MAD AND HOLY OLD INDIAN WITCH OF BENARES, I HAVE TRAVELLED MANY LEAGUES THROUGH MANY LANDS TO FIND YOU ! disinterested AOOHH ... TO IMPLORE YOU, TO BEG YOU, IF NECESSARY TO PA Y YOU... WITCH: alert, now TO PAY ME? TOPAYME? PAY ME : PRINCESS: TO LIFT THE SPELL - THE DREAD ENCHANTMENT WHICH HAS BEEN PLACED UPON ONE WHOM I KNOW TO BE A YOUNG AND NOBLE PRINCE: AND HAS CAST HIM INTO A SOMEWHAT UNPLEASING SHAPE. The palanquin flaps open, revealing the Beast who smiles and looks absolutely terrible. BEAST: AUAUH : WITCH: MY DEAR, MY CHILD, IT IS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT HE IS VICTIM OF THE DOUBLE-WHAMMY -SPLIT INTERLINK INCANTATION WITH NEWT'S EYEBALLS AND THOUSAND ISLAND HEMLOCK SPELL. THIS IS MOST DIFFICULT SPELL TO LIFT... AND VERY COSTLY: The Princess claps her hands and her two Errol Flynn men arrive from nowhere and put down four bags full of money. WITCH: ARGH ... AHA ... FOR YOU, I WILL MAKE SPECIAL PRICE: PRINCESS: PLEASE: OH: PLEASE, REVEREND MOTHER: WITCH: AND TAKE A SPECIAL TRIP: The w'itch is lithe now. She goes into a start position, runs a few yards, leaps into a pit, which has a trampoline in it ; she springs out of it up into a tree, where she grabs a Tarzan rope; she swings down out of the tree, giving a Tarzan holler, WITCH: AEyEAEYEAEyEAEyEAEyEAEyEAEyE.... past a tripod of logs from which hangs a wicker-work basket over a large crack in the earth. She swings past this and around it and up to an ovemanging cliff, where she hits a 'J. Arthur Rank' type gong with her body and, as she falls, she hangs the rope up beside the gong and drops into the wicker-work basket over the cleft in the earth . , On the side of the wicker basket is an oil-rigger type of valve. She turns the valve and green gas comes up through the crack in the earth. She takes a deep breaJ1 of the gas and pulls out a cube of sugar, which she pops in her mouth. WITCH: WITH ACID, FUMES AND GAS COMBINED I WILL START TO BLOW MY MIND SNIFF... HURR ... SNIFF... HURR ... Then she turns the valve a little more and more gas comes up. o GAS: FIRST GAS I SNIFF TONIGHT I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT BLOW MY MIND OUT LIKE A LIGHT: SNIFF... HURR ... SNIFF... HURR ... MYSTIC PUMES SHOW ME THE WAY TELL ME HOW THIS CURSE TO LAY SNIFF... HURR ... SNIFF... HURR ... IN YONDER BEAST A PRINCE IS HIDDEN HOW CAN FROM HIM THIS SPELL BE RIDDEN? The gas from the fissureis hatting up now. Bubbling noises. The Witch gets shriller. Her mind is now blown. WITCH: GOBBLEDEEGOOK AND HI-DEE HI NECK OF NEWT AND NOSE OF FLY, FACE OF RAT AND TOE OF OYSTER, A LITTLE DUST FROM SACRED CLOISTER, even shriller now LET OF MUTTON, CUP OF TEA, FOOTPRINT OF THE MAGIC FLEA, She leans over and turns the jet all the way. She is skyhigh now. TENDRIL OF ENORMOUS GNAT, GLASS OF WATER, OLD FELT HAT, MIX TOGETHER, BOIL AND BAKE: LET HIM EAT THIS MAGIC CAKE: She quickly screws off the valve, does a knee-bend, shoots up, hits the 'J. Arthur Rank' gong and swings back wards round her tripod up into the tree, giving the Tarzan holler, but backwards. All thIs is as if the film is running backwards. She drops from the tree into the trampoline pit and bounces back wards into the cave. Cut to Beast and Princess, looking on apprehensively. The Witch shoots out of the cave carrying cauldron, logs and ingredients, lights fire and puts it all in and stirs it round. The film here is all sped up, going forward again. Then, returning to normal speed, the Witch takes her enormous ladle, puts some steaming muck in a pan and takes it over to the Beast. Cut to Princess, in happy expectation. BEAST: (smelling the muck) ARGH ... The Princess nods to the Beast to drink it. He takes a tiny sip. PRINCESS: DRINK IT, DRINK IT DOWN, 0 MY SWEET LOVE' The Beast gulps it all down and goes into a contorted fit based on the Witch's rhyming couplets and there is a puh of smoke. The Princess rushes in towards him, as the smoke clears. We see that the Prince is indeed a prince in full regalia, but he is knock-kneed, chinless, tinynosed and Ii hopeless nit. PRINCESS: (shocked and disappointed) OOOOOOHH : PRINCE/BEAST: (he still speaks with the Beast's voice) PRINCESS NURA, I AM RESTORED TO MY ORIGINAL SHAPE - YOU DON'T LOOK VERY HAPPY: She is poker-faced and picks up his leavings in the dish and drains it in one gulp. 111en, she goes into a rhythmic fit, but a belly-dance version. There is a puff of smoke and we see she has turned into a huge green frog, but with the Princess's crown still on the frog's head. She takes the hand of the Prince and hops off with himG'DUNK ... G'DUNK ... into the early evening light, leaving the Mad-Holy-Old-Indian-Witch counting her mone and biting it to see if it is all good. DissoIve. I NASRUDIN CHOSEN AT RANDOM PARATA: PARATA: MOGUL: PARA TA : (Sequence 53) Dissolve back to Mogul court. We can hear the distant noise of Nasrudin's caravan ap proaching. Addressing the MoguI, trying to bring him out of his reverie with his ladies, o : GREA T AND NOBLE MOGUL, MAY I BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THE FACT - AND FACT IT IS - THAT THE AMBASSADOR OF PERSIA AND HIS CARAVAN WILL ARRIVE IN YOUR IMPERIAL CAPITAL PRESENTLY. The Mogul' just looks at him. continuing, AS YOU WILL RECALL, MAJESTY, YOU HAVE DECREED A STATE OF WAR AGAINST PERSIA - UNLESS A SUITABLE PERSIAN AMBASSADOR COULD BE SENT TO YOU TO MAKE PEACE. coming out of his coma, STATE OF WAR:... He is fingering a woman's leg running down it to the toes. Goes back into his coma. STATE OF WAR... STATE OF WAR... RUMOUR HAS IT, MAJESTY, THAT THE PERSIAN AMBASSADOR IS MAN OF NO CONSEQUENCE - SELECTED ENTIRELY AT RANDOM: POSSIBLY IN ORDER TO DELAY OUR WARLIKE PREPARATIONS... Cut to Mogul running his hand up a great white leg. PARATA : POSSIBLY, EVEN TO INSULT YOUR MAJESTY. Cut to Mogul - he stops fingering for a second. MOGUL: INSULT MY MAJESTY? Runs hands down leg again; sort of still thinking about it. PARATA: YET, 0 SUBLIME AND MOGUL NOBLE (Iooking at the leg) MY SPIES REPORT THAT THIS AMBASSADOR, BY NAME NASRUDIN, HAS SHOWN A REMARKABLE ABILITY AND DEPTH OF UNDERSTANDING IN DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES - AS IF HE WERE PERHAPS EVEN.... DIVINELY GUIDED: AND YET THEY SAY HE WAS PICKED AT RANDOM: MOGUL: having surfaced, IF HE WERE PICKED AT RANDOM - AND YET IS SO WISE - AND SO SHREWD - DOES THIS NOT MEAN THAT ANYONE AT ALL IN PERSIA IS EQUALLY CAPABLE OF THE DELICATE POST OF AMBASSADOR, INFALLIBLE AND INTUITIVE,TO OUR SUBLIME COURT? Uncertain SHOULD WE THEN NOT BE CAREFUL IN OUR DEALINGS WITH THESE PERSIANS, PARATA? EVEN RECONSIDER OUR WARLIKE ATTITUDE TO THEM? FOR MIGHT THEY NOT - EASILY - ENGULF US ? PARATA: 0'. GREAT, NOBLE AND SUPERLAl1VE DEFENDER OF THE EMPIRE, YOU ARE AS ALWAYS - RIGHT: LET US BE CAUTIOUS: AND TEST THEIR MILITARY STRENGTH' The Mogul has started pawing again. PARA TA : WITH YOUR NOBLE MOGUL'S PERWJSSION, I SUGGEST WE SEND OUR FINEST WARRIORS TO THE CITY GATE. CLASH AT GATE PARATA : I (Sequence 54) GENERAL ALARA1 : I I I PARATA: GENERAL ALARAMI: GENERAL ALARAM': Fade in at the City Gate. Nasrudin's caravan is approaching the gate, Nasrudin in front, the Caravan Master/Vizier behind him and the hopelessIy tattered Sycophants, twelve abreast - they obscure the rest of the caravan from the Indians' point of view. The Indian Royal Guard is drawn up in front of the gate. facing Nasrudin, on elephants and horses and there is a mad General ALARAM - an Indian counterpart to the Persian General IRONPANTS. rushing out to the General, GENERAL ALARAM : GENERAL ALARAM '. wheeling round at Parata' s call, ALARAM IS MY NAME: AND ALARAM IS MY NATURE' HERE THEY COME, NOW: GENERAL: CHALLENGE THEM IT WILL BE A WALK-OVER, 0 "ARATA! JUST LOOK AT THE PERSIAN ESCORT: Cut to the Sycophants, terrified. General Alaram spurs his horse/elephant forward, stops in front of Nasrudin and holds up his hands, HALT: ALL THOSE WHO SEEK TO ENTER THE IMPERIAL CITY OF DELHI MUST FIRST TRY THEIR STRE1\JGTH AGAINST THE ROYAL GUARD: LET YOUR ESCORT ENGAGE US ! Cut to Sycophants, white with terror. Cut to Nasrudin, who looks surprised, reflects; then NASRUDIN : CHIEF BOOZDIL : ASSORTED BRIGANDS: PARATA: whispers to a messenger, TELL CHIEF BOOOZDIL THA T HERE ARE SOME MEN WHO CLAIM TO BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST AND MOST RENOWNED BRIGANDS AND THIEVES. The messenger exits into the rear group behind the Sycophants, from which soon come great cries of Chief Boozdil, screaming, WHAT?: IT IS A LIE ! LIARS: WE ARE THE GREATEST BRIGANDS AND THIEVES: LET US AT THEM: CHARGE: The Brigands all scream and yell and roar. WHAT? WHAT? IT'S A LIE: IT'S A LIE: WE'RE THE GREATEST BRIGANDS: LET US AT THEM: HERE WE COME: UP THE REBELS ! TARATARAH TATAH TATAH DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ... UP THE REBELS: HIT THEM WHERE IT HURTS: They hurtle through in a flying wedge, picking up Sycophants as shields, sticks, stones, etc... And they stream past and crash headlong into the Indian Royal Guard with the sound of a hammer hitting an anvil : Cut to Parata. OH! GOODNESS: PERHAPS I SHOULD RETURN TO THE COUR T : and he zips out. There are several seconds of dust cloud, heads and pieces flying out of it. Then the dust settles down and the Brigands are seen dusting themselves off, wearing the Indian Royal Guard armour, etc... and there is a small bunch of the Indian Royal Guard clad only in underpants vanishing over the hill. Nasrudin leads the caravan forward, the Brigands fall in and march through the City Gate. As they enter the gate, the leftover Indian troops fall in meekly, behind the caravan. THIEF AND JEWEL-BOTTLE I ($equence 55) 'The THIEF nips out of the crowd and scurries through the City Gate alongside Nasrudin's caravan and shoots off into a courtyard. He sneaks around and sees a thnecked bottle full of enormous rubies. He is hypnotized empties his pockets of everything he has already stolen, in order to make room and shoves his hand in the bottle. The neck of the bottle is too narrow to let any rubies out. While the Thief is trying to work it out, two palace guards silentIy come up behind him. The Thief sees the guards but cannot stop trying to get the rubies out. He picks up the bottle and shuffles off with it, still working away at it. They follow him around a while as the Thief keeps trying to pretend they are not there. Then, they very quietly pick him up, bottle and all, and take him away into the distance, the Thief still with the bottle, pumping at the rubies. They go through a distant door and we hear a dull thud. We never see the Thief again. INSIDE GATE (Sequence 56) Parade, etc... Enormous crowds screaming - Massed mounted bandsElephants, camels, eunuchs, dancing girls, all the magnificence of Indian Court, Power and POmp trotted out on display. Nasrudin, on his donkey, as he approaches the Palace. Indian nobles, on gold and bejewelled horses, form a guard of honour right in front and lead Nasrudin up the steps to the Pdace. They trot up to the main Hall of Audience. The door is at half normal height so that they have to dismount and lead their horses in. Nasrudin being so low on his donkey rides straight in. There is a gasp of horror. Cut to the delighted Caravan Master/Vizier. PRESENTA nON I (Sequence 57) PARATA: NASRUDIN : NASRUDIN : Cut to the inside of the Audience Hall as Nasrudin rides in. More gasping of horror. Cut to Parata. sotto voce THIS IS SIGNIFICANT! OTHERS MUST DISMOUNT TO WALK IN TO THE PRESENCE OF THE EMPEROR, BUT THIS MAN HAS SO ARRANGED THINGS AS TO BE ABLE TO RIDE IN LIKE AN EQUAL TO THE GREAT MOGUL HIMSELF ! (muses) Nasrudin rides up to the foot of the throne - clop! clop: clop: Old joke of standing up and his donkey walks away. All the others, Brigands, Sycophants and the Baggage train have also entered the Hall of Audience. The Mogul Iooks apprehensive. No women now. drums roll o GREA TMOGUL: 0 FULL MOON OF INDIA : Cut to Mogul in slight distress. Cut to Parata, next to him, shocked. Cut to Indian court, shocked. Cut to cackling Caravan Master/Vizier. continuing, I BRING YOU GREETINGS FROM THE EMPEROR OF PERSIA: AND THESE GIFTS: Cut to Caravan Master/Vizier sniggering in his beard. Two normal men of the retinue bring out the enormous treasure -chest. Drums roll - They throw the top open - All gasp ALL: EARTH! EARTH: EARTH: A TRUNK FULL OF EARTH ! Cut in to Nasrudin, close up. Low voice. NASRUDlN: I HAD BETTER SAY NOTHING - AT THIS POINT - FOR HOW CAN I EXPLAIN THIS? ASSEMBLED COURTROOM: EARTH! EARTH: EARTH! Cut to the Caravan Master/Vizier getting hystericaI with glee. He is nudging everybody near him. CARAVAN MASTER/ . VIZIER: EARTH: EARTI!: EARTH: CACKLE: CACKLE' EARTH ! He gets carried away with his laughing, gives a shriek and his beard drops off. PARATA: pointing, Spy: SPY: THROW THE SPY TO THE ALLIGATORPIT ! Three Indian ghouls, counterparts to the three Per sian ghouls zip out and carry the astonished Vizier to the lip of the alligator - pit. Cut. ALLIGATOR PIT (Sequence 58) The three ghouls tluow the Vizier into the pit. We pan down as he falls and go ahead of him to the bottom of the alligator - pit, where we see a dozen horrific, hungry, waiting alligators. Cut. PRESENTATION I (Sequence 59) Cut back to Audience Hall. Crowd still whispering. MOGUL: leaning over to Parata, EARTH... EARTH: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? IS THIS AN INSULT TO MY EMINENCE? l Parata, scared, thinking rapidly, sees a terrible Yogi standing by, clad in a loin-cloth with a staff and beads and amulets, bits of bone, hanging. Parata zips over to him; they have a fast conversation and Parata zips back to the Mogul. PARATA: MAJESTY, THE INTERPRETER OF OMENS HAS EXPLAINED THAT THIS IS A SYMBOLIC ACT IN WHICH YOU ARE ACKNOWLEDGED AS - MASTER OF THE EARTH! JUST AS YOU WERE ADDRESSED AS FULL MOON, FOR THE SAME REASON ! MOGUL: to Nasrudin, WE ARE CONTENT WITH THE OFFERINGS OF YOUR PERSIAN KING, FOR WE HAVE NO NEED FOR WEALTH. AND \\E APPRECIATE THE METAPHYSICAL SUBTLETY OF YOUR MESSAGE: Court - whisper, whisper. I CONNING ALLIGATORS (Sequf'nce 60) ANWAR: , ANWAR: ANWAR: Cut to the alligator - pit bottom. Anwar has the alli gators drawn up in two rows of six, as in a classroom. They are on one side of the pit and he is on the other, behind a rock which serves both as protection and as a pulpit . MY FRIENDS, IT GRIEVES ME DEEPLY TO SEE YOU DESTINED TO AN EXISTENCE SUCH AS THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF, WITH NO FLESH ON THEIR BONES.... He exposes a scrawny arm. Cut to the alligators, who snap their mouths in a motor response. A couple edge forward slightly. Cut to Anwar, who has his hands up, like Billy Graham. He puts his hands down and leans forward confidentially. HELP ME TO GET BACK TO PERSIA AND I'LL GUARANTEE YOU THE MOST SUCCULENT... Cut to alligators drooling, snapping, gnashing, rolling their eyes and biting each other at the thought of it. ... ROTUND.... Cut to alligators drooling, snapping, gnashing, grinding, ... IN A WORD - FAT: Cut to alligators going mad, biting, gnashing, roaring, leaping. Cut to Anwar, with his hands up, like Billy Graham again - The alligators calm down. ANWAR: FAT OFFERINGS THAT WILL COME YOUR WAY... REGULARLY! Cut to alligators leaping up and down in the air, biting gnashing, drooling, grinding, roaring. I PRESENTATION (Sequence 61), Cut back to Audience Hall. NASRUDIN: remembering his lines, I HAVE ALSO BEEN TOLD (remembers and relaxes somewhat) THAT WE HAVE NOTHING MORE FOR YOUR MAJESTY. More crowd shock. TI1e Mogul looks slightly puzzled at Parata. Parata zips off to the Yogi ... yap... yap... yap... and zips back to the Mog.ll. PARATA : in MOgul's ear, THAT MEANS THAT PERSIA WILL NOT YIELD ONE FURTHER OUNCE OF THEIR SOIL TO US ! Crowd muttering. I ALLlGA TOR LADDER (Sequen~e 62) Cut back to the alligator-pit and we see the alligators standing on each other, making a ladder up the side of the pit. Quickly Anwar goes up on their legs to the top and leans down to pull up the first alligator. PRESENTATION (Sequence 63) MOGUL: to Nasrudin, TELL YOUR MASTER WE UNDERSTAND. (now smoothing his beard, laying a trap) BUT THERE IS ONE OTHER POINT - IF I AM THE FULL MOON, WHAT IS THE PERSIAN EMPEROR? NASRUDIN : without thinking, AH : - HE IS THE NEW MOON: The Mogul looks at Paratet, who zips off to the Yogi _u yap... yap... yap... and back again. PARATA: to the Mogul and to the a"sembIed multitude, loud, THAT IS BECAUSE THE FULL MOON IS MORE MA'IURE AND GIVES MORE LIGHT THAN THE NEW MOON! Tremendous applause. I VIZIER LISTENING (Sequence.64). Cut to Anwar, listening outside the court door. He has heard Parata's announcement and the applause continues. Camera pulls back to reveal Anwar with a white-fang, dry-:land dog-sled made up of alligators. He cracks a whip and they shuffle off in a cloud of dust over the hill into the sunset towards Persia. I PRESENTATION (Sequence 65) MOGUL: Cut back to the Audience Hall. The applause is only now dying down. smiling to Nasrudin, WE ARE CONTENT - YOU MAY RETURN TO PERSIA AND TELL THE NEW MOON THAT THE FULL MOON SALUTES HIM! LET THERE BE PEACE BETWEEN OUR KINGDOMS: (afterthought) TAIN OUR GUESTS ! AND LE T US ENTER At the word 'Guests' the Brigands grab every woman in sight, screaming and yelling as pandemonium breaks loose. Fade to black. I SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT (Sequence 66) Fade in. Nasrudin's wife and her mini -caravan. She is screaming abuse at the tiny Caravan Master and they pass Anwar the Grand Vizier on his alligator-dry TUn sled in a cloud of dust, going the other way. Neither notices the other. Fade to black. DEPARTURE (Sequence 67) Fade in. Next morning - Indian Palace courtyard - Indian bands playing - Multitudes gather for send -off. NASRUDIN : COME ON: SADDLE UP! SADDLE UP EVERYBODY! Nasrudin gets on donkey (same joke: stands on donkey). He leads the caravan out of the gateway with the Indians cheering . Outside the gateway, leading to the trackless desert is the Boozdil Royal Guard. Boozdil's two ADC' s are mounted on sagging elephants; they carry a banner saying 'Royal Boozdil Cavalry'. They are magnificently attired, in Indian battIe dress. They all saIute Nasrudin, who rides out past the Boozdil Guard of Honour, with his ca ravan. We cut to Boozdil' s face in frozen salute and see that there is a tear in his eye. Dissolve. I SMOULDERING COURT (Seq\lence 68) MOGUL: PARA TA : PARATA: MOGUL: Dissolve back to Indian courtroom, which is all but dtr.oyed - Fires are still burning, smoke is smouldering there are immense holes in the ceiling, some columns fractured, some half blasted off - Desolation. The Great Mogul, scratched and bitten comes in and sits on a barrel or crate - His courtiers stand around torn and bleeding. Everybody's clothes are torn. The Mogul's dusky maidens appear also completely used and pummelled. The Mogul claps his hands. Parata, also tattered totters in. NOW THAT OUR GUESTS ARE SAFELY ON THEIR WAY BACK TO PERSIA - AND WAR HAS BEEN AVERTED, LET US RETURN TO THE AFFAI RS OF STATE. claps his hands, BRING ME THE LIST OF THOSE TO BE INCARCERATED, EVISCERATED, EMASCULATED AND EXECUTED: The three Indian ghouls bring the list. Parata goes through it, his pen at the ready. RAM CHUND : toying with his dusky maidens - matter of fact voice, EVISCERA TION : The three ghouls grab a poor idiot from the crowd. They zip him out, there is a terrible scream and they zip back in, ready for the next customer. PARATA: BANNER GEE: MOGUL: looking up from his amusement, EXECUTION ! The three ghouls grab another idiot, zip him out. We_ hear a 'clunk' of an axe, and they zip back in. PARATA: ticking the names off with his pen CHOPAL BYE: MOGUL: fingering the chewed-up women again, EMASCULA TION ! The ghouls grab a third idiot, zip him out and we heal' AAAAAAAAAAAA (octave higher) aaaaaaaaaaaaa they zip back in. PARA TA : MOHAN LAL ! MOGUL: INCARCERA TION : They grab a fourth victim and drag him out - sound of steel doors closing. Cut to close-up of parchment, in Parata's hand, which ." reads 'By order of ... ' Parata, signing, PARATh : PARATA ... MOGUL: without looking up from his plucking and fingering EXECUTION: The three ghouls grab PanHa. PARATA : pleading, YOUR MAJESTY! 0 MOGUL: 0 MOGUL NOBLE ! o NOBLE MOGUL, I AM PARATA, YOUR GRAND VIZIER: MOGUL: disappearing into a mountain of female flesh EXECUTION... EXECUTION: PARATA: as he is being dragged out, to the audience I HAVE FINALLY OUTWITTED MYSELF FOR GOOD AND ALL ! re-cap of bastardised version of 'Greensleeves' OUTWIT MYSELF... DECEIVE MYSELF ... I HAVE FINALLY OUTWIT MYSELF ! They take him round a corner and we hear the clunk of a chopper on wood. DissoIve. FORK-IN-ROAD I (Sequence 69) KERIMA : Close-up on Kerima's mini-caravan, She is bellowing at the tiny man - Dust everywhere. HURRY UP! KEEP MOVING ... FASTER! WE MUST CATCH UP WITH MY HUSBAND: YOU WON'T GET YOUR MONEY, YOU KNOW: ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WERE YOU'RE GOING? PAY A TTENTIo!\! : MOVE FASTER! WE HAVEN'T GOT FOR EVER: KEEP MOVING: PAY ATTENTION! WE'RE LOSING TIME: HURRY UP ! FASTER: KEEP GOING ... DON'T SLACK! COME ON : COME ON : WE'LL NEVER CATCH MY HUSBAND AT THIS RATE! MOVE! FASTER ... WE HAVE TO GET TO DELHI! COME ON ! CATCH UP ! Cut to : AeriaI view - Desert - Single road forks into two. There is a mountain between the two. Nasrudin's cara van is coming from left to right along one side of the mountain. Kerima' s mini -caravan coming from right to left takes the other fork going all the other side of the mountain. Neither sees the other. I ALLIGATOR ARRIVAL (SequE;nce 70) ANWAR: ANWAR: KING: Dissolve in. The Vizier alligator-sled arriving at the closed Persian court doors. He is covered in dust. The alligators are. panting horribly and the Vullllre is sitting exhausted on the sled, covered with dust. Two of Anwar's left-behind Sycophants rush up. MY FRIENDS, NASRUDIN HAS AVERTED WAR WITH INDIA - BUT, I WILL YET WIN THE DAY! -CHARGE HIM WITH TREASON: I WILL. He goes to the door OH! TAKE CARE OF MY ALLIGATOR FRIENDS' pushing the doors open and running in to the Persian King, MAJESTY, NEWS FROM INDIA : TRAITOR: NASRUDIN IS A A TRAITOR? Dissolve. MUSICAL DUMB SHOW I (Sequepce 71) This sequence is all done in pantomime, with silent film type chase music. Cuts. 1. Nasrudin's caravan crossing rope bridge in Himalayas. 2. Anwar the Grand Vizier and the Persian King silhouetted through a lit window of the court, Anwar doing his act about Nasrudin's treachery. 3. Nasrudin's caravan crossing desert. Sign on the edge of the desert covered in vultures says 'y Oil are now Ieaving the Registan Desert - We hope too many of you did not perish' There is clearly demarcated green grass on the other side of the sign. 4. More Anwar acting to Persian King in court. 5. Nasrudin's caravan on board ship in storm. 6. More Vizier. acting. 7. Nasrudin's caravan in Persian mountains. 8. More Anwar in front of full court. 9. Early Tibet - India sign-post. The army (Nasrudin's early advance guard) is marching back from Tibet, Snow and icicles hanging from then. As the last of them turns on to the main road back to Persia, Nasrudin's caravan comES up and takes up the rear (unwittingly) . 10. Anwar finishing his act. The music does a long trill as the sound comes in again. ANWAR: AND THUS DID NASRUDIN BETRAY THE PERSIAN THRONE, THE STATE AND THE TRUST PLACED IN HIM BY YOU - IN YOUR GREAT WISDOM: He collapses on the floor in front of the Persian King. Cut. WIFE IN INDIA (Sequence 72) Dissolve in. The still smouIdering half destroyed Indian Court. The Mogul is on the throne, battered, with his cut and blee ding women. Nasrudin's wife storms in the door. KERIMA : WHERE'S NASRUDIN? MOGUL: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, WOMAN? I AM THE GREA T MOGUL: EMPEROR OF INDIA: RULER OF... KERlMA : HOW CAN YOU BE EMPEROR! JUST LOOK AT THIS PLACE: FULL OF OLD RUBBISH: AND THOSE SHAMELESS WOMEN: CLEAN IT UP IMMEDIATELY: PUT IT IN ORDER! FILTHY: DIRTY: FILTHY: DIRTY' FULL OF RUBBISH: NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT : THROW OUT ALL THE RUBBISH: DUST IT: WIPE IT : POLISH IT! CLEAN YOURSELVES UP: GET RID OF THOSE WOMEN! CLEAN THIS: MOVE . THAT: BRING IN FLOWERS OVER THERE: CHANGE THE WATER IN THE VASES: SPONGE THOSE BLOOD STAINS! FIX THAT ROOF ! Truculently and reluctantly, wounded and broken, the Indians drag themselves around doing what she says. KERIMA : continuing, WASH YOUR FACE: CHANGE YOUR SHIRT: DON'T BITE YOUR NAILS: DON'T SUCK YOUR THUMB ! MOVE THAT RUBBISH! CLEAN THAT: CLEAN nIlS : FIX THAT UP : Cut to the Mogul, amazed. PERSIAN COURT I (Sequence 7~) Cut to the Persian Court. Trumpets announce Nasrudin's arrival. Court Herald, calling out. HERALD: MULLA NASRUDIN - YOUR MAJESTY'S AMBASSADOR TO INDIA - BEGS LEAVE TO REPORT TO YOUR MAJESTY! King nods - Grunt ANWAR: BID HIM ENTER! Cut. I POLISHED MOGUL COURT (S,equence 74) Back to Indian Court, in long shot. It is absolutely glistening, immaculate and clean like a soap advertisement. Clean shaven men - No women. Track in to Kerima, dusting her hands off at tl1e foot of the Mogul's throne. MOGUL: sitting there, on his glistening throne, leans forward, hands together, MADAM, WOULD YOU CONSENT TO ACCEPT THE POSITION OF GRAND VIZIER? Short music stab. I PERSIAN COURT CLIMAX (S!"quence 75) Cut back to Persian Court. Nasrudin rides up to the throne on his donkey, puts his feet down and the donkey walks away. Nasrudin walks up to the steps of the throne and bows. ANWAR: attacking, MAJESTY, THIS MAN IS GUILTY OF HIGH TREASONIF Nor WORSE: WE HAVE INCONTROVERTIBLE EVIDENCE THAT HE ADDRESSED THE GREAT MOGUL OF INDIA BY ONE OF YOUR TITLES! THUS CHANGING HIS ALLEGIANCE AND BRINGING YOUR TITLE INTO DISREPUTE: KING: fully awake and shouting, THE SAGES HAVE WISELY SAID THAT TO EVERY PERFECTION THERE IS AN IMPERFECTION! WHY DID YOU REFER TO ME AS THE 'NEW MOON' ? Fast cuts to court reactions - Same music as 'bread' triaI Cut to Anwar, rubbing his hands, gloating and snickering. NASRUDIN : rubs nose, reflectively, for a bit, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT PROTOCOL ... BUT I DO KNOW THAT THE FULL MOON IS ABOUT TO WANE AND THE NEW MOON IS STILL GROWING - WITH ITS GREATEST GLORIES AHEAD OF IT. KING: I AM MORE THAN PLEASED, FRIEND NASRUDIN (patronizingly) AT THE RESULT OF YOUR UNORTHODOX METHODS: YOU HAVE AVERTED WAR AND OUR COUNTRY IS SAVED: FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL BE KNOWN BY THE SPECIAL TITLE OF EMISSARY: Now, turning half left to Anwar, KING: AND AS FOR YOU... ANWAR... YOU ARE FROM THIS MOMENT - NO LONGER GRAND VIZIER: THROW HIM TO HIS OWN ALLIGATORS' The three Persian ghouls zip in and cart Anwar off. Camera follows. They throw him into the pit (he is not worried) . ANWAR: as he is falling, MY FRIENDS... . Cut to the bottom of the alligator pit. The alligators are now completely skin and bone, not having had anything to eat since they met Anwar. Cut back to the outside of the pit as we hear steel trap noises of jaws snapping and ripping. The three ghouls look down in the pit and Iook horrified at what they see. TIley bring their hands to their mouths to prevent being sick. The clacking and rending continues as we pan up to a niche, where Anwar's Vulture cackles hysterically and plummets down into the pit, for a bite. Chumping and rending continues as we cut back to the King. KING: NASRUDIN, MAY I OFFER YOU THE POSITION OF GRAND VIZIER? NASRUDIN : WHA T ?: HOW COULD I POSSIBLY ACCEPT - NOW I HAVE SEEN WITH MY OWN EYES WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PREDECESSOR? He bows - Music starts and Nasrudin backs up, still bowing, to a door shaped exactly like himself, opens it, fits exactly through it, closes it. END SCENE (Sequence 76) Cut to a Charlie Chaplin type road, in perspective, into sunset. Bach-like choir and orchestra singing The End - The End - The End - The End - The End _ Nasrudin pads off into the distance, but he stays the same size the further he walks. And since everything else is in perspective and he stays the same size, he gives the impression of becoming enormous as he disappears over the hill. Fade to black.