This very special list was compiled in its entirety by Jones-watcher Chele Tourney (chele_marie@hotmail.com), a great talent in her own right who here showcases some of the finer points of Terry Jones' script. We'll begin, though, with the songs.


MESSING ABOUT ON THE RIVER
(Ratty)
There's plenty to do, lots of time too,
Messing about on the river.
Wherever you go, you go with the flow
When you're messing about on the river.

Whether you get there, whether you don't.
You think it will matter, but I tell you it won't.

Lots to be done, and it's all of it fun
When you're messing about on the river.

(River)
I'm on my way to the sea, come with me,
I'm on my way to the sea.


A VERY NASTY WORLD
(Chief Weasel and Co.)
First you see us, then you don't.
Now you hear us, now you won't.
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world.

Now you feel us, now you can't.
Are we real? Perhaps we aren't.
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world.
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world.

(Mole) Is it really such a nasty world?
(CW)Oh yes, a very nasty world indeed.
(Co.) Nastier than you could ever dream of.
From up above and from beneath.
Eyes of glass, claws, and teeth.

Ready to attack you, we will smack you just for fun.
Don't come walking in the wildwood if you haven't got a gun.

Every creature, for survival, has to look out for itself;
Children's nannies, dear old grannies, have to look out for themselves.

In the wildwood, and every child could tell you
that you've got no business to be here.
Whoa....

First you feel us, now you don't.
Then you hear us, now you won't.
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world.

Now you feel us, now you can't.
Are we real? Perhaps we aren't.
It's our secret of survival, it's our secret of survival
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world.


CLEVER OL' MR. TOAD
(Toad)
Oh the clever men at Oxford,
Know all there is to be known.
But then none of them know one half as much
As the clever old Mr. Toad!

Now, the world has held its heroes,
As history books have shown.
But never a name gone down to fame
Compared with that of Toad!

The army all saluted,
As he marched along the road.
(Sun) Was it the king or the president?
(Toad) No, it was Mister ... Hello!


CLEVER OL' MR. TOAD (courtroom reprise)
The world has held its heroes,
As history books have shown.
But never a name to go down to fame
Compared with that of Toad!
(Judge) 50 years!

The army all saluted
As they marched along the road.
Was it the king or the president?
No, it was Mr. Toad!

The judge was apoplectic;
He thought he might explode. (60!)
He'd never been faced with a prisoner as bold
Or brave as Mr. Toad!
(70!)

The police could never catch him,
(Officer) he was so nimble, Toad.
He escaped from their clutches, for none knows so much as
The amazing Mr. Toad!
(80!)

The officers couldn't believe it;
They ooh-ed and ah-ed and oh-ed.
As high up above them he flew like a bird,
the elusive Mr. Toad.....
(90--100!)


CLEVER OL' MR. TOAD (Train wreck reprise)
Oh nobody knew how to catch him;
So clever and nimble Toad.
They couldn't snitch or snatch him,
That elusive Mr. Toad!


FRIENDS IS WHAT WE IS

(Toad) It's a pleasure to have you here, Mr. Badger.
(Badger) So good of you to ask me Mr. Toad.
(Ratty) And as for dear ol' Mole, I'm so glad you left your hole
(Mole) And came to join you here in your abode.

We were born on the same river bank,
What's mine is yours is his.
Raised where the willows dip into the water,
We get along like cheese and porter.
Every morn' we each give a thanks,
'Cus friends is what we is.

We have sworn by the same river bank
What's mine is yours is his.
Helping each other like friends all oughtta
[We'll stick together like cheese and porter]
Every morn' we each give a thanks
'Cus friends is what we is!


MIRACLE OF FRIENDS (end theme)
You know he's vain and he's conceited,
Drives the wrong side of the road.
From his brains down to his feet, it's clear
He's just a foolish toad.
Even though the games he's playing
Can drive you round the bend,
Somewhere deep inside a voice keeps saying "He's a friend"

There's a candle in the darkness burning bright.
A fireside welcome in a stormy night.
That's the way the story ends; it's the miracle of friends.
There's a candle in the darkness, burning bright.

In a world so full of strangers,
Everybody needs a friend.
Someone to help you through the dangers
That wait around the bend.
Even when there's darkness all around you,
Not a star up in the sky.
Wait until the light of friendship's found you;
You'll get by, you'll get by.

There's a candle in the darkness burning bright,
A fireside welcome in a stormy night.
That's the way the story ends, it's the miracle of friends.
There's a candle in the darkness burning bright.


Quotes

Ratty: The river's my whole life; I don't want any other. What it hasn't got is not worth having, and what it doesn't know is not worth knowing.

Ratty: "My young friend's just lost his home...."
Toad: "Has he? What a stroke of luck!"

Toad (about motors): "Poetry in motion! The only way to travel: here today, and next week, tomorrow! Hurray!"

Chief Weasel: "Listen Mole, there's no such thing in this world as friends."

Mole: "It was only a small, dingy little place; not like here, Badger, or your comfy quarters, Rat, or Toad's beautiful hall ... but it was my own, my very own little hole ..."

Rat/Mole/Toad: "I say, badger!"

Badger: "Long long ago there was a city of humans, right here. They thought their city would endure forever. But humans can't let things rest. Greed, you see, that's their undoing. But we remain. There were badgers here before, and there'll be badgers here still."

Badger: "Can I make a proposition?"
Dealer: "We're always open to a deal."
Badger: "How's this, then? If you remove these machines forthwith, I promise not to insert one part of them into any portion of your anatomy."
Dealer: "Right ... fair enough. Pleasure doing business with you."

Toad: "Nincompoop!"

Mole: "What under earth?"

Ratty: "Winter picnics are my speciality!"

Toad: "Look out! It's Toad on the road!"

Defense counsel: "I recommend the severest sentence that m'lud can cook up!"
Toad: "Couldn't the prosecution say something else?"

Toad: "Motors are what make life worth living! The speed, the thrill ... I'll never give it up! It's simply glorious!"

Judge: "Before I pass sentence on the prisoner, would the jury care to find him guilty?"

Toad: "Yes, it's true, ladies find me irresistible ..."

Chief Weasel: "You know, you've convinced me ... I'm not going to blow up Toad Hall tomorrow after all ... I'm going to blow it up tonight!"

Mole: "Oh dear, I can't throw for toffee!"

Chief Weasel: "Blowing up Toad Hall is only the beginning ... you won't recognize this dump when I'm through with it."
Toad: "But why blow up this beautiful place?"
CW: "Because it will make me extremely rich!"

Ratty: "Toad, you know your songs are just filled with self-praise and ... (Badger) gas!"

Badger: "That's the last time I ever try to help that...THAT!"