ALL THE DIALOGUE

For a more complete script, try to buy the excellent script book by Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin. This site IS still just free advertising, after all.

"Yes folks, Moderna Designs presents the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wondermajor all-automatic convenience centerette gives you all the time in the world to do the things you really want to do. Add the infrared freezer-oven complex, that can make you a meal from packet to plate in fifteen and a half seconds."

"The Morrises have got one that can do that in eight seconds."

Oh?"

"Block of ice to boeuf bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things."

"Dad, did you know that the ancient Greek warriors had to learn forty-four different ways of unarmed combat?"

"Well, at least we've got a two-speed hedge-cutter."

"They were trained to kill people twenty-six different ways with their bare hands, Dad."

"Bedtime for you, Kevin. It's nine o'clock."

"And this King Agamemnon, he was. . ."

"Oh, go on, dear. Your father said."

. . .the man you all love to like, Kenny Lang.

"Well, that's today's top prize. Now let's meet today's star guests on Your Money or Your Life. Bring them on, girls. Oh, don't they look gorgeous? I'm sure they look lovelier every day, aren't you?"

"Turn that light off."

"It is off."

"What the hell is going on up here? I told you to put that light out and go to bed."

"But. . ."

"And no more noise."

". . .and it came off just like that. The whole thermostat. That's the toaster, the spreader, and the slicer, all gone. She's in a terrible state."

"Should've bought German."

"Well, that's what I said."

"Mom. . ."

"It would have matched her rotissamat."

"Mom, Dad, can I g. . ."

"You're going to bed in good time tonight."

"Well, I was thinking of going to bed now, actually."

"Now? Certainly not."

"At least wait for your food to go down."

"I haven't eaten any food."

"Well, you must eat your food."

"And then wait for it to go down."

"Oh, no. Not the carvery again."

Oh, dear me, Beryl. Now all I want to know is, what famous film star begins with "C". Do you understand the question, my darling? Come on, Beryl, come on. Come on, or he'll end up in the souffle, Beryl. You've got to answer it, Beryl. Come on, come on, Beryl.

"It's gone down, now."

Come on, Beryl, come on.

"What?"

"My supper. It's gone down. I can feel it. Can I go to bed, now?"

"Yeah, all right. Off you go. And no noise."

"What?"

"No noise."

"All right. Okay."

No, Beryl, Cape Town is not a film star. Oh, dear. Oh, well, that's Your Money or Your Life.

"I'd have taken the money."

"What? With a kitchen like that?"

"Our kitchen's all right, isn't it?"

"Our kitchen? It's light years behind."

"Where are we?"

"I don't know."

"Well, look at the map."

"It's not on the map."

"Is he coming after us?"

"I don't know. I think we gave him the slip."

"It's him. Run for it."

"I can explain everything, sir. It's not as bad as it looks. We just borrowed the map, and sort of got rather happy about it, and ran off in high spirits."

"Who are you?"

"That's not him."

"It didn't sound like him, did it?"

"It doesn't even look like him."

"It isn't him."

"Let's get him."

"Quick, Strutter, get his torch. Shine it right in the face. His face, dummy."

"It's a kid."

"Og, Fidgit, check the door."

"All clear."

"Strutter, the light. Right. Listen to me. Just tell us how we get out of here, keep quiet, and you won't get hurt."

"Why don't you get out the way you came?"

"Don't try to be smart with me, you little creep. If you want to play it smart, I'll introduce you to Vermin. He eats anything, you know."

"I'm not trying to be smart. I'm just trying to help."

"You know, don't you?"

"I don't know anything."

"You know, and you're not gonna tell us. Well, I'm getting angry, and Vermin here's getting hungry."

"I don't know."

"He's found it. The way out."

"It's never done that before."

"No, no, not like that. Wait for me to give the order. Right. Ready, one. . .stop, stop. You never start on one. Who ever heard of anybody starting anything on one?"

"What is it, then? Two, or three?

"Three!"

"He's found us."

"Please, help us. Come on. Come on."

"Who is that?"

"Return what you have stolen from me. Return, return the map. It will bring you great danger. Stop now."

THE SCENE: Castiglione

Where are we?"

"Og, stop."

"We got away."

"Get in here. Hold him, Strutter."

"Shut up."

"All clear. Wally?"

"Here."

"Strutter."

"Here."

"Fidgit?"

"Yeah."

"Where are we? What happened to my bedroom? Who was that man?"

"That was no man. That was the Supreme Being."

"You mean God?"

"Well, we don't know him that well. We only work for him."

"Shut up. Now, are we all here? Og, are you here? He's here. Vermin? Vermin, will you stop eating? Now, it's too dangerous to stay here. He's probably still after us, so we better keep moving. Hey, where are you going?"

"Hey! Grab him."

"Get him. He'll give us away."

"Help. Help. Bombs."

"Look what you've done, boy."

"Sorry. What town is that?"

"Castiglione. Or what Napoleon's left of it."

"Napoleon?"

"Yes. It's his city now. Come on, boy. You come with us."

"No, thanks."

"Come with us, if you know what's good for you."

"You're going the wrong way."

"Napoleon?"

"Get down."

"You nearly got us caught."

"You silly fool. You could have ruined everything."

"Do you know where we are?"

"Shut up. 'Course I do. 1796, battle of Castiglione. See?"

"Are you sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?"

"Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?"

"No, we agreed: no leader."

"Right. So shut up and do as I say. Now, we've gotta get into the city."

"We can't. The roads are too dangerous."

"I've got an idea. We can use the river. Come on."

"What are we going to do here?"

"A robbery."

"A robbery?"

"Of course. We're international criminals. We do robberies."

"Shut up. Right now."

". . .aim, fire. . .aim, fire."

SCENE: Napoleon at the Puppet Show

"That's him."

"You're not gonna rob him."

"Yeah, every single penny he's got."

"But that's Napoleon."

"And he's rich."

"Monsieur commander, I think that the mayor of Castiglione and his council would like very much to surrender now, please."

"Look at. . .look at that. Look at the little fellow."

"With this city, we have the whole area of western Lombardy at our feet."

"Oh, go away."

I never should have married you. Oh, stop it.

"Mon commander, they are very keen to surrender. They have been here eight hours."

Deconstruction

"Don't stand so close to me, Negy. I've told you about that before. With you on one side and him on the other, it's like being at the bottom of a bloody well. Is it because you think I'm small?"

"No, commander, you are not small. You are not small at all."

"No, not by any means. Five foot one is not small."

"Five foot one, and conqueror of Italy. Not bad, eh?"

"Very, very good."

"Very good, indeed."

[Puppeteer is shot]

"What has happened?"

"Bravo. More. Encore. Encore."

"Thank you. Thank you very much. I wonder if you would like to see some of our other items. We have Zuzu and Benny. And. . .on a unicycle. No? How about the Great Rambozo? He sings, and lifts heavy things. No. How about, uh. . ."

"Come on."

". . .this I think you'll like. It is very funny. The Three Idiots. From Latvia. It's very funny, eh? They swallow brushes."

"No, no, they are all freaks. Not one of them under five foot six. What kind of theater are you running, huh?"

"I'm, I'm sorry, sir. I've got a. . ."

"No, no, more of the funny show, the little puppets hitting each other. That's what I like, little things hitting each other."

Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall
Like the seashore sticks to the sea
Like you never get rid of your shadow, boy
You'll never get rid of me.
Me and my shadow
Strolling down the avenue.
Me and my shadow
Not a soul to tell our troubles to.
We fit together
And when it's twelve o'clock, we climb the stairs.
We never knock, cause nobody's there.
Me and my shadow
All alone and feelin blue.

"Well, what do you think?"

"Marvelous show. Young man, you stick with these boys, and you have a great future. You know, you are the best thing to happen to me since this whole campaign. You know, I come to conquer Italy because I thought they were all small, you know. I hear they was really tiny guys."

"Sir, I really think there are more important things. . ."

"Shut up! Don't you dare to tell me my business. You are dismissed, do you hear? You, Lucien, the rest of you. Great streaks of misery."

Tell -- business.

"But, sir. . ."

"Non! I'm going to have some new generals for a bit."

[In the Dining Room]

"Alexander the Great, five feet exactly. Isn't that incredible? Alexander the Great, whose empire stretched from India to Hungary, one inch shorter than me. Oliver Cromwell,1 the only man with any guts in British history, not a big man at all. Louis Catorze, five foot two half. Charlemagne, dumpy little five-footer. He's quite a little chap. Atilla the Hun, five foot one half. Cyrano deBergerac, five foot three half. Tamerlane the Great, four foot nine and three quarters."

"Was he interesting?"

"Strutter, wake up. Wake up. According to this map, there's a time hole outside. See if you can find it."

"Right."

"The rest of you: the hole disappears at twelve o'clock, right, so let's get moving. Vermin, Fidgit, the tapestry."

"Hey, that's sixteenth century. Nice, isn't it?"

"Get it! We're rich. Rich."

"Ten-hut."

"Come on, you've got thirty seconds left."

"You found the time hole."

"Yes."

"Let's go. Come on, Kevin."

"Ten-hut. About face."

"Stop."

"Go."

"After them."

[The Middle Ages]

"Oh, Sir Vincent! You came for me."

"Oh, good Mistress Pansy. I could not have ridden faster. Four horses have I exhausted this day from Nottingham."

[Sherwood Forest]

"Oh, the way you leapt up to my chamber. So full of, of, manliness."

"I could scarce restrain the rushing of my feet. These twelve long years have been like chains that bound me."

"And the. . .personal problem?"

"Oh, much, much better. And now, we will ride full tilt for Dover."

"Oh. You don't have to wear the special. . ."

"No, no. I don't have to wear the special. . .any more. Oh, Pansy. No more worries now. Pansy."

[Time Bandits Fall From the Sky]

"Quick. Quick."

"Your problem, Vincent."

"Oh, forget the problem. Give me the money."

"We did it. I told you. You stick with me, and you won't go far wrong."

"Sometimes I almost believe you, Randall."

"Hey, where are we?"

"Where are we? Well, that's obvious. We're, uhh. . ."

"Vincent, don't worry about a thing."

"I'm not worrying."

". . .exactly. . ."

"In the middle ages."

"In the middle ages. Five hundred years before the man we just robbed was even born."

"Fantastic."

"Try that one in a court of law."

"Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten."

"You never know until you've eaten it."

"Is it always like this when you've done a raid?"

"We don't know. We've never done one before."

"But I thought you were international criminals."

"Going to be. Going to be."

"Yeah. Going to be. Aren't we? Aren't we? Yeah. Especially now we've got you, Kevin."

"Hang on. He's just a kid. He's not one of us."

"But he knows an awful lot, Randall."

"Yeah, and he's bigger than any of us."

"You really want to join us?"

"Can we really go anywhere?

"You name it. If it's down here. . ."

"I don't understand. What's so special about that map?"

Well, this map, Kevin, used to belong to the Supreme Being."

"You mean you stole it?"

"No, no. Well, sort of. You see, He used to be our employer. He made all the big stuff like good and evil, men and women, night and day, and we did trees and shrubs. We helped make all this."

"Phew. That's not bad."

"Yeah, but did we get a thimbleful of credit for it? No. All we got was the sack. Just for creating the pink bungadoo."

"Pink bungadoo?"

"Yeah. Beautiful tree, that was. Og designed it, didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah. Six hundred feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible."

"Get out of the way."

"Well, as a disciplinary measure we were sent down to the repairs department.

"What?"

"You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botch job, you see. We only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes. Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinking rich?"

"Yeah. Stinking rich. Lads, here's to stinking rich."

"Stinking rich. Stinking rich."

"And to Kevin."

[Yeah. To Kevin. Here's to Kevin.]

"Stinking Kevin."

"Hey, hey, hold it there. Smile."

"Hey, the map."

"Hey, come on, smile."



"Help! Robbers!"

"Hey. That's us."

"Someone's in trouble. Come on. Grab the loot."

"Those are our sort of people."

"Yeah."

"Help."

"Come on."

"Oh, Vincent, someone's coming. Help! Help, I say. Oh, at last. Oh, I say! I say. My fiance and I would appreciate a bit of assistance."

"Oh, no. The problem. The problem, Pansy. It's started again."

"Oh, don't worry, darling. I say."

"I must have fruit."

"Where are we?"

"We've lost them."

"Come on, don't be so wet."

"Hey."

"What do we do now, Randall?"

"Just leave it to me, Wally. You've just gotta treat them right, that's all. Waddaya want, you tacky-faced old scumbag?"

"What's your business, cod fish?"

"Robbers."

"Villainous robbers?"

"The worst."

"Stop at nothing?"

"Nothing at all."

"Steal the cup out of a beggar's hands?"

"Rather."

"The teeth from blind old ladies?"

"Of course."

"Toys from children?"

"Whenever we can."

"Right. Let'em down."

"They always crack in the end."

"Listen, I've got a few ideas for, uh, a link-up between your gang and our gang, but I only want to talk to the boss."

"The boss?"

"The boss?"

"That's right."

"They serious?"

"Ooohhhhh."

[At the Robbers' Camp]

"Anyone else want a go? Come on, you weasels."


Weasel

have a go

"Wait here. I'll get him."

"Hello. I'm Hood."

"It's Robin Hood."


[Robin Hood]

(unintelligible)

"(Interpreting) Say good morning, you scum."

"Good morning, you scum."

"Morning. You're all, all, all robbers, then, are you?"

"The best, Mr. Hood."

"Jolly good. And you're a robber, are you? Jolly good. And do you enjoy robbing, then?"

"Well, it helps pay the rent, sir."

"Jolly good. And you're a robber too, are you? How long have you been a robber?"

"Four foot one."

"Good Lord. Jolly good. Four foot one?"

"Yes."

"That, that, that, that, that, that, that is, is, is a long time, isn't it? Well, now, I hear you've made a pretty good haul."

"Well, see for yourself, sir."

"I say! Crikey. I mean, I've been in robbing for years, but I've never seen anything like this. Crumpt. And you, you acquired all this by yourselves?"

"Well, it was a good day, Mr. Hood."

"A jolly good day."

"It's nice, isn't it?"

"Rather. Well, I mean, what can I say? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all very, very much indeed."

"Don't men. . .what?"

"Well, I mean, it's frightfully kind of you. The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?"

"Who?"

"The poor."

"The poor?"

"Oh, you must meet them. I just know you'll like them. Charming people. Of course, they haven't got two pennies to rub together, but then, that's because they're poor. Marian, would you be so kind as to ask the poor to come in, please?"

"No problem."

"Thank you so much."

"Hey. Come on, you lot."

"Yes, well, now, let's just see what we've got here. This is going to be so much help in our work."

"No, you don't understand. All this stuff is ours. We stole it."

"Oh, yes, I know, and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well, not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor. Aren't they, Redgrave?"

"Oh, aye, Yuletide, Robin."

"You see? Yes, well. . .what did he say?"

"He said, yeah, what with Christmas coming up, and all."

"Ah. Jolly good. Yes, well, there we are. Congratulations. Well done. There we are. Well done. Congratulations. Is, is, is that absolutely necessary?"

[Unintelligible]

"What did he say?"

"He says, yeah, he's afraid it is."

"Ah. Fine, fine, there we are, madame. Congratulations. Well done. Jolly good. Incidentally, would any of you like to stay on a bit and help us with our work? There's still so much wealth to redistribute."

"Oh, I'd like to stay."

"Jolly good. What's your name?"

"Uhh, Ke. . ."

"Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well, never mind. Cheerio. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very, very much. What awful people."

"I'll never get a chance to meet Robin Hood again."

"Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man. Unbalanced, if you ask me, giving away what isn't even his."

"That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that."

"Oh, of course. You know it all."

"He was one of my heroes."

"Heroes? Heroes? What do they know about a day's work?"

"Leave him alone, Randall."

"Well, it makes me sick. Anyone who's always right makes me sick."

"And that's why you get on with yourself so well."

"Watch it."

"Leave off."

"Horseflesh wouldn't a' got us into this."

"Horseflesh is dead."

"Then give me the map. I'm taking over."

"Get off me."

[Evil]

"So, these are the sorts of people the Supreme Being allows to steal his map. Look at them. Stunted little proles. I wouldn't even trust them to wipe their own noses."

"Oh, no sir. It's much too difficult for them."

"What sort of Supreme Being created such riff-raff? Is it not the workings of a complete incompetent?"

"But he created you, evil one."

"What did you say?"

"Well, he created you, so he can't be totally. . ."

"Never talk to me like that again. No one created me. I am evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. I am all-powerful."

"But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?"

"That's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?"

"Because you. . ."

"Oh, shut up. I'm speaking rhetorically."

"Oh, of course."

"I let him keep me here in order to lull him into a false sense of security."

"Ah, clever, clever."

"When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding."

"Understanding of what, Master?"

"Of digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being. God isn't interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how He spends His time-forty-three species of parrot. Nipples for men."

"Slugs."

"Slugs? He created slugs? They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic?"

"Sir! Look!"

"If I creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one. Sorry."

"I just can't wait for the new technological dawn."

"Sir! Look!"

"What is it, Benson?"

"The map, sir. The map. They've brought it with them."

"What?"

"I saw the map, Master. Just how."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Master. Down there. The little one has it."

"The little one?"

"This is our chance. This is what we've been waiting for."

"It will set us free."

"Shut up. If you're wrong, Benson, my revenge will be slow and unpleasant. I will turn you inside out over a very long period of time."

"Oh, thank you, Master. Thank you."

"Now, we must bait the hook, see if they bite, and pull them in. Stand by for mind control."

"What about Babylon?"

"Who?"

"It's a city of legendary wealth."

"Ahh."

"I've got a better idea."

"Who said that?"

"I've got an idea forming in my head."

"You haven't had an idea for thousands of years."

"There is a place where we could find the greatest thing a man could want. The goal of everybody's hopes and dreams."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"The most fabulous object in the world."

"That sounds like a good idea."

"Yeah."

"They're hooked, the greedy little fish."

"Why do you always have to go after money?"

"Who's this?"

"I don't know, master. I haven't seen him before."

"He's stronger than the rest. Who is he?"

"I don't know."

"I'm losing them. Something's going on down there. I've lost them."

"Look! Over there! We'd better move."

"Don't rush me."

"The forest. It's on fire."

"It's raining, puddinghead. Oh, no."

"What is it?"

"It's Him."

"It's Him."

"Return the map."

"Make for the hole."

"Where is it?"

"Now."

"It's over there. Quick. Run."

"Return. Return what you have stolen from me."

"There are two holes, Randall. Which one? Which one?"

"Go, Kevin. Just get away. Go. Not that one."

"Where did you come from?"

"I'm not quite sure."

"Who sent you, the gods?"

"Was it Zeus? Apollo? Athena? Well, you're certainly a chatty little fellow, aren't you?"

"I don't believe it."

"You don't believe what?"

"I don't believe the way you killed him."

"Yes, well, it has to be done sometimes."

"No, I mean it was such a good shot. I bet you've killed lots of people."

"Well, the gods must have given you a name."

"Oh, yeah. Kevin."

"Kevin? Well, Kevin, here. It's yours."

"Sir?"

"You don't want it?"

"Oh, yes, please You mean I can really have it?"

"Well, on condition that you carry it back to the city for me."

"Oh, goody. But no, I can't, really. I must wait. You see, I'm with friends. You see, if I lose them, I may never be able to get back."

"Get back? To where?"

"I'm not really sure."

"Here. You'd better take this. You'll need it. It's water. There's enough there for your friends, too, if they ever turn up. Oh, and, by the way, thank you."

"No, no, please. I'd like to come, really. No, no, please. I'd like to come."

[In the City]

"You saved my life, remember? The enemy of the people is dead."

"Hail, King Agamemnon."

"There's a man being cut in half, here. It must have been a brilliant battle."

"All three are to receive summary execution. Today. If the queen wishes to see me, I'll be in the courts all afternoon. Remind the queen that I still rule this city."

Me boss, her not.

"I wish I'd been in the Trojan Wars. Will you teach me how to swordfight?"

"Come here. I'll teach you something much more useful. Where is it?"

"There. Kings aren't supposed to do things like that. You know, I never, ever want to go back."

"Don't you want to see all your friends again?"

"No. No, thanks."

"To be in your own home? To be with your own father and mother?"

"No."

"Very well, then."

"I can stay?"

"We'll decide that tomorrow."

"I have decreed that this boy shall remain here with us in our city. Furthermore, he shall from this day forward be my own son, and heir to the throne of Mycenae. Let the banquet begin."

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, a mastery miracle of modern magic before your very eyes."

"Abracazeezee, abracazoo. You're doing a great job, Kev. If we could borrow this for a moment, sir."

"Please give generously, as my assistants pass amongst you. Come on, come on. Fidgit. Now all we need is a volunteer from the audience. Yes, young man, you'll do nicely."

"No, please. No. Leave me."

"Come on. Come on."

"Go away."

"May I? Your crown?"

"No. Help me. No."

"Let's get out of here."

"Help. Please, don't."

"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen."

Watch this."

"We make a great team, don't we?"

"Now."

[On the Titanic]

"Alone at last."

"Isn't it glorious?"

"Yes, I love the ocean. God, how I, how I love her. She's so, so damned. . ."

"Wet?"

"Wet, yes. Yes, so damned, damned wet. Pansy. Pansy, look at me."

"Yes, Vincent?"

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you."

"And you don't mind the thing on the end of my nose?"

"Oh, you mean your. . ."

"Yes, my. . ."

"No, darling. Don't be silly."

"Could you share a house with a chap who has a thing like this on the end of his nose?"

"Of course, my love. Everyone has odd about them. Why, I've got an enormous. . ."

"Pansy! Pansy, I'm so glad you feel the way you do, because now I can ask you what I've always wanted to ask you."

"Oh, ask me, ask me."

"Pansy, will you, will you. . ."

"Where the hell are we?"

"Ow, someone bit me."

"Pansy. Give me that. You've ruined everything. Pansy, Pansy, I can explain. It's only the thing on my nose and the hairpiece. Everything else is fine."

"Six more plates of caviar, please. Anyone else want any?"

"No, not for me, thank you. I'll stick with the quail's eyeballs. The caviar makes me throw up, you know. Sorry, Randall. Sorry."



"Cheer up, Kevin. Kings aren't the only ones with money, you know."

"The money wasn't important to him."

"He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe."

"You make me sick."

"I've got something to say to you, Kevin."

"Go away."

"It's about the map."

"The map? I don't understand you, Randall. You've got something really brilliant like that, and you're just wasting it."

"I wouldn't call this exactly wasting it."

"Why couldn't you leave me where I was happy?"

"Because, when you hear what I've got planned, you're gonna be a lot happier. I was having a close look at the map last night. Do you know what I found? Og was right - the most fabulous object in the world - it does exist. Look, the Time of Legends."

"The Time of Legends. There's no such thing."

"But there is. You've just gotta believe in it. Otherwise, Horseflesh wouldn't a' put it on the map. In the middle of the Time of Legends is the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness, and inside the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness, the most fabulous object in the world."

"Give it up, Randall."

"Look, you and me, we've got a lot in common. Not like that lot. We like risk. We like adventure. Well, this is it. This is the big one. No namby-pamby time holes, here. We risk all. We win everything. Waiter, more champagne. . ."

"Yes, sir."

". . .and plenty of ice."

"Heloooo."

"I want to go home. I can't stand it. You'll get us all killed, Randall."

"Stop whimpering, Fidgit. How could I know we were gonna run slap-bang into an iceberg? It didn't say, 'Get off before the iceberg,' on the ticket."

"Now, now's the time to start, to start our quest for the, for the most fabulous object, Randall."

"Og's right."

"No."

"I've got the map. Let's go."

"What? Randall, we are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean."

"It doesn't matter where we are. You've just gotta believe in it."

"You're crazy."

"We must try."

"No, don't."

"Abandon plank."

abandon ship

"No."

"I can't swim. I can't swim. Help. Help."

"Now, we have them."

"Oh, well done. Well done, master."

"Suddenly I feel very, very good."

"Oh, sorry, master."

"It'll pass, it'll pass."

"Shall I bring them in, master?"

"Yes, Benson. Bring them into the Time of Legends."

"Hey! Hey, I can swim."

"Hey, look, look."

[In the Ogre's Ship]

"Good morning, dear."

"Help. Help."

"What was that?"

"What, dear?"

"I thought I heard a noise."

"No, it's your nerves, dear. Here we are, darling. And the ointment for the leg."

"I grew too fast when I was young. That was the problem."

"You've been overdoing it a bit dear, that's all."

"You try being beastly and terrifying when you can only get one hour's sleep a night because your back hurts, and you can't cough in case you pull a muscle."

"But you are horrible, dear."

"You're just saying that."

"And gargle."

"What's that?"

"I don't know."

"Let's get out of here."

"Wait for me."

"Look at these bloody spots. That's diet, that is."

"You'll outgrow them, dear."

"It's all this bloody fish. There used to be a time when you could be sure of catching old boots, cans, hat racks, boxes. . .now it's prawns all the bloody time. Antipollution. What?"

"What do you want, dear? Do you want the foot powder?"

"No. Come out here and help me, quick."

"Oh, dear."

"What's in there?"

"I don't know, but it's not prawns."

"Here, dear. Leave that to me, please."

"Yeah."

"Aren't they lovely? We can have them for breakfast."

"You mean eat their boots?"

"No, dear. I mean eat all of them. Every little bit. That means the big pot and the large skewers. . ."

"What shall I do, dear?"

"Terrify them."

"But what about me back?"

"Well, you don't have to jump around. Just shout horribly and leer at them. You know, the way you used to?"

"Right. Right."

"Oh, I'm so happy."

"Right. What have we here? Some tasty little morsels, eh?"

"Hey, put me down. Put me down. Hey, hey, put me down."

"It is wonderful to be making a fondue again."

"Fee, fie, fo, fum."

"Does your back hurt?"

"Huh?"

"I know a cure for bad backs."

"Bad back? Me? An ogre?"

"What you need is stretching."

"Stretching?"

"To be melting the cheese in the southerly breeze, to be sharpening a skewer again. . ."

"Heave!"

"That's better. That's better. That's wonderful. Heave again."

"Are they in the pot, dear?"

"Yeah, just about."

"And one more for luck. Heave."

"Two, three, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right. . ."

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Quick, get in the pot."

"Winston? Winston?"

"Is this part of the cure?"

"Winston, what are you doing in the water, dear?"

"Oh, my back is wonderful."

"You've got to stop them, Winston."

"I can cough. At last, I can really cough."

"How we doing now, Randall?"

"Just fine. We're on the right course. As long as this wind keeps up, nothing can go wrong."

"Keep the rudder straight, Strutter."

"It is straight."

"More hands on the tiller."

"Quick, trim the sail."

"Right, trimming it now."

"That's better. We're out of that."

"Randall. Randall. I think there's something you should know."

"Everybody below decks."

[The Giant]

"What's going on?"

"You tell me."

"Pull these boards up."

"I can't."

"You might sink the ship."

"Oh, shut up."

"Here's a hammer."

"That's it. That's it, now."

"Do it again."

"Really hit him."

"Drugs, Hey, I've got an idea. Sleeping potion. Take this. Take the plug out. And. . ."

"Hey, what's out there?"

"Come on, let's go. Run. Run."

"Wait."

"The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness is somewhere over there. I promise you."

"Oh, you're joking, Randall. There's nothing over there."

"Look, we're so close."

"You've been saying that for the last forty miles."

"Let's go back. We'll all die out here."

"Yeah."

"We can't give up now."

"When can we give up?"

"Come on. It's just a bit further."

"What is it?"

"I don't know, but it hurts."

"It's some kind of invisible barrier."

"Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like."

"That's what this line must be. And just on the other side, the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness. We've made it, lads. We're here."

"You're mad, Randall. Your brain's gone, do you know that?"

"I promise you, this is it. We are here."

"We're nowhere, Randall."

"Yeah, look around. There's nothing."

"Yeah."

"Only one way to go, now."

"That's right. Back. Come on. Come on, we'll go back."

"No, listen. No, stop. Stop."

"Get out of the way, Randall."

"Listen to me."

"Get out of the way."

"You'll never get back without me."

"Do you wanna bet?"

"Wally, give that back."

"Get out of the way, Randall."

"You give that back or I'll take your head off."

"Randall. Randall. No, don't."

[ The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness ]

"We have found it."

"Thank you."

"Brilliant, evil one."

"Is everything ready?"

"Yes, master."

"Fantastic."

"Amazing"

"Magnificent."

"Look"

Yes, folks, Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wondermajor all-automatic convenience centerette.

"And here they are, the winners of the most fabulous object in the world. The answer to all their problems, and yours, is here for them tonight."

"Hey, don't go. Where are you going? You're mad. Wait. You're mad."

"Come on. Come on."

"There it is. Get it."

"Here they come, so let's give them a big welcome. Trevor. Dianne. Oh, don't they look lovely?"

"Mom. Dad."

"Come on, lead us in a big hand for the lucky winners."

"This way."

"Come back, it's a trap."

"Fabulous. Fabulous. Here they are. Congratulations. But before they collect their prize, let's just have a look at what made it possible for them to be here with us tonight. The map, please."

"Let us out. Let us out. Help us. Let us out. Come back."

"I have the map. I have the map. And the day after tomorrow, the world."

"Oh, no."

"Rat, anybody? Might be the last meal you get."

"Gyaah, leave off."

"That's it, then."

"It's all over."

"We should have stayed at home, making trees."

"Oh, shut up."

"How could we have been so stupid?"

"I don't know."

"Hey, look. Look. Quick. Come on. Look. Look at this. Quickly. Look."

"Good one of Wally."

"No, look. It's the map."

"I can see it's the map. What use is that to us now?"

"Look closer. The Time of Legends. See? See the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?"

"That's a hole."

"Exactly."

"It could lead almost anywhere."

"Everywhere."

"What?"

"We just found the biggest hole in the universe, and it's practically below our feet. Kevin, you're a genius. Come on, you lot, shift."

"We'll never get out of here."

"Want to bet?"

"No."

"That's right, Og. Show'em we can do something right, for a change."

"That's it."

"Let's have that."

"Smaller."

"That's enough, Wally."

"Okay, Strutter."

"You got the rope?"

"Hold on."

"Right. Hold tight. Take a strain."

"Easy."

"Hold it."

"He's going. He's going. Together. Together. Again. Again."

"Ready, Wally."

"Okay, Strutter. Here we go. Geronimo."

"Okay, go, Strutter."

"Yea, Strutter."

"We've made it."

"Okay, Wally. Take up the slack. Careful. Make it safe. Come on. Go."

"Come on."

"Go, Vermin. Go, Fidgit."

"I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I'm going, ohh."

"Go."

"Wally. Come on, Wally."

"Right, lads. Watch this."

"Wally! Pull the rope. There he is. Wally! Pull him up. That's it.Well, we've done it."

"Yeah, we've done it."

"Now all we need is the map."

"What? We don't need the map. We know where the time hole is. Let's get out of here."

"Yeah."

"But Evil's got the map, Randall."

"Too damn right, he has. The last thing we want to do is see him again. Come on."

"But we can't leave it with him, or he'll destroy the world."

"Oh, Robert, Benson, I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong. I feel so bad, Benson."

"Good, good."

"Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling."

"Kill me, master. Kill me."

"Not now, Benson. We have work to do. No lesser work than the overthrowing of Creation itself. We will remake man in our image, not his. We will turn mountains into sea, and the skies into rivers, the fjords into deserts, and the deserts into flatland. . ."

"Come on. Come on."

"They boy's insane. We can't go in there."

"He's home."

"Let me see."

". . .into icebergs, and the icebergs into fire, and the fire into a mighty, rushing wind which will cover the face of the earth and wipe clean the scourge of woolly thinking once and for all."

"We can make beans into peas."

"Oh, Benson, dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence."

"Oh, you say such nice things, master."

"Yes, I know. I'm sorry. Now, Benson, I shall have to turn you into a dog for a while."

"Thank you, master."

"Stay, Benson. Guard the map."

"Robert, we must plan a new world together. This time we'll start it properly. Tell me about computers."

"A computer is an automatic, electronic apparatus for making calculations. . .or coherent operations that are expressed in numerical or logical terms."

"And fast breeder reactors?"

"Ah! Fast breeder reactors use a fast fission process for the generation of fission isotopes."

"Be quiet, Benson. Show me more, Benson. Show me, show me, subscriber trunk dialing. I must know everything."

"Come on, come on. Throw it."

"Stop."

"Come on. Oh, no!"

"Let's get out of here."

"Come on."

"Stop them, by ever means in my power."

"Wait, Og. Wait."

"I'm coming. I'm coming."

"We're trapped."

"We've got to separate."

"What?"

"Go down the time hole. Go wherever you can, and get help. I'll divert them."

"But you can't do it on your own."

"No. I'll take one other."

"Well done, Og."

"Yes, Og and me will stay. Ready? Hey, hey, this way."

"You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons. What do you think, Robert? Benson, what would look nice? Half donkey, half warthog? Half oyster? Half carrot? Or the diseased leper."

"Call off those, those creatures, or I'll destroy the map forever."

"Now, don't be so stupid."

"Call them off."

"Very well. I have no need of them. Robert."

"Yes, master."

"Your time has come."

"Oh, wonderful, master. Wonderful. Wonderful."

"Don't mention it. Benson. I'm a reasonable man. Give me the map, and you might at least walk out of here on human feet."

"Og. No. No. No."

[Randall Enters Riding a Tank]

"This way, men. Over there."

"Wally."

"Where's the trouble, sonny?"

"Ah, ha."

"So, this is the best the Supreme Being can do."

"I guess we'll have a lynching."

"Wait."

"See, sonny? No problem."

"Wait. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait a minute. Hey, the joke is over."

"I don't feel so good."

"Look out."

"Strutter, quick. Strutter."

"Next."

"Get him. Randall, go."

"I can't control it."

"Of course you can't, you silly little man. I control them."

"I've got to get out of here. Hey, help me."

"Get out of the way, Fidgit. Get out of the way."

"Fidgit."

"Hey. Hey, Fidgit."

"Fidgit."

"Quick, get it off him."

"He's dead."

"What?"

"Fidgit's dead."

"Oh, no. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault, Wally."

"It was, it was his fault."

"Get down, Wally."

"Get down."

[Confused shouting as Wally goes crazy.]

"Oh, no."

"Oh, I hate having to appear like that. It really is the most tiresomely noisy manifestation. Still, rather expected of one, I suppose."

"Get down. Get down. Oh, Great One. Oh, Supreme Being. Oh, Creator of all the universe, without whom we would be naught but scarab beetles on the. . ."

"What a dreadful mess. Is the pig with you? Right. Well, we'll sort him out first."

"Og. Og, here. Quick. Out' the way."

"I was enjoying that."

"One thing I can't stand, it's mess. I want all this stuff picked up."

"Wally, tidy up."

"But he's dead, Randall. Fidgit's, Fidgit's dead."

"Dead? No excuse for laying off work."

"Fidgit."

"Fidgit."

"Fidgit."

"Hey, what happened?"

"I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit."

"He's okay."

"Oh, do hurry up."

"Yes, sir."

"Yes sir."

"I'd like to explain everything. We didn't mean to steal the map. We didn't mean to run away."

"What do you mean, you didn't mean to steal the map?"

"It. . .just sort of. . ."

"Well, of course you didn't mean to steal it. I gave it to you, you silly man. And that! Do you really think I didn't know?"

"Sir?"

"I had to have some way of testing my handiwork. I think it turned out rather well, don't you?"

"Hmmm?"

"Evil turned out rather well, mm mm."

"Whose are these?"

"Mine, sir. They're mine, sir."

"You really are an untidy boy. Sign here."

"Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?"

"Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being. I'm not entirely dim."

"Oh, no sir. We weren't suggesting that, sir. It's just that. . ."

"I let you borrow my map. Now, I want every bit of evil placed in here, right away."

"You mean you let all those people die just to test your creation?"

"Yes. You really are a clever boy."

"Why did they have to die?"

"You might as well say, 'Why do we have to have evil?'"

"Oh, we wouldn't dream of asking a question like that, sir."

"Yes, why do we have to have evil?"

"Ah. . .I think it's something to do with free will. Do be careful. Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil. One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs."

"Excuse me, sir. I was just wondering if there's, um, any chance we might have our old jobs back sir."

"Ah, you certainly were appallingly bad robbers."

"Yes, sir."

"I really should do something very extrovert and vengeful with you ... honestly, I'm too tired. So I think I'll just transfer you to the undergrowth department, bracken, small shrubs, that sort of thing, with a nineteen percent cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time."

"Thank you, sir."

"Oh, thank you. Thank you, sir."

"Well, I am the nice one. Is it all ready? Right. Come on, then, back to Creation. I mustn't waste any more time. They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution."

"Come on."

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"What about my friend, sir? Can he come with us?"

"No, of course not. This isn't a school outing."

"But, sir, he deserves something. I mean, without him. . ."

"Oh, don't go on about it. He's got to stay here to carry on the fight."

"Fidgit, come on. Fidgit."

"Hey, you can't go. Hey, hey, you can't leave me."

"Fidgit. Come on, Fidgit."

"Hey, please. Hey, stop. Hey, hey, don't leave me. Hey, help."

"Stop. Hey, don't go. Stop. Don't leave me. Please, wait. Don't leave me. Please."

"Come on, come on. Let's go."

"Let go. I've got to save it, Trevor."

"Don't be a fool."

"I'm going in for the toaster. Oh, Trevor."

"My Super-Deluxe Tea Maid."

"Ohh."

"You all right?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"You're a very lucky boy."

"Honestly, Trevor. If you'd been half a man, you'd have gone in there after the blender."

"This is what started it. Left the Sunday joint cooking all night, didn't we?"

"Sunday joint? It's Thursday."

"We never touched it."

"Well, someone put it on."

"Well, there was no meat in there last night."

"Well, what do you call this, then?"

"Mom, dad, it's evil. Don't touch it. . . . Mom? Dad?"