Return to the sketches indexAs featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
Vicar: Come in.
Kirkham: I wondered if I could have a word with you for a moment.
Vicar: By all means ... by all means, sir. Do sit down. (they look round for a chair) Ah,. sit on the desk here.
Kirkham: Thank you.
Vicar: Now then, a glass of sherry?
Kirkham: No... no thank you...
Vicar: (getting a bottle from the cupboard) Are you sure? I'm going to have some.
Kirkham: Well, if you're having some, yes then, perhaps, vicar.
Vicar: (slightly taken aback) Oh... well there's only just enough for me.
Kirkham: Well in that case I won't, don't worry.
Vicar: You see, if I split what's left, there'd be hardly any left for me at all.
Kirkham: Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.
Vicar: Good! So, I can have it all ... now then what's the problem?
Kirkham: Well, just recently I've begun to worry about...
(The vicar has been looking through his desk. He produces a bottle of sherry in triumph.)
Vicar: Ah! I've found another bottle! You can have some now if you want to.
Kirkham: Well... yes, perhaps a little...
Vicar: Oh you don't have to. I can drink the whole bottle.
Kirkham: Well in that case, no...
Vicar: Good! That's another bottle for me. Do go on.
(The vicar opens the bottle and pours himself a glass. As soon as he has drunk it he replenishes it again.)
Kirkham:' I've begun to worry recently that...
(There is a knock on the door.)
Vicar: Come in!
(A smooth man, Mr Husband, enters carrying a smart little briefcase.)
Vicar: Ah, Mr Husband ... this is Mr Kirkham, one of my parishioners, this is Mr Husband of the British Sherry Corporation...
Kirkham: Look, look, perhaps I'd better come back later...
Vicar: No, no ... no do stay here. Have a sherry... you won't be long will you, Husband?
Husband: Oh no, vicar... it's just a question of signing a few forms.
(The vicar pours Husband a sherry)
Vicar: There we are... there we are, Mr Husband. Now, how about you, Mr Kirkham?
Kirkham: Well only if there's enough.
Vicar: Oh well, there's not much now.
Kirkham: Oh, in that case... no... I won't bother.
Vicar: (pouring himself one) Good. Right... now, then, what is the problem, Husband?
Husband: Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 2,000 gallons.
Vicar: And how many glasses is that?
Husband: That's roughly 540,000 glasses, Vicar.
Vicar: That's excellent, Husband, excellent.
Husband: Yes... it means you can still keep your main sherry supply on the roof, but you can have an emergency supply underneath the vestry of 5,000 gallons.
Vicar: Yes... and I could have dry sherry on the roof and Amontillado in the underground tank!
Husband: Absolutely.
(The vicar signs a form that Husband hands to him.)
Vicar: Excellent work, Husband, excellent work.
Husband: Not at all, vicar, you're one of our best customers... you and the United States. Well goodbye. (he leaves)
Vicar: Terrific. Now then, Mr Kirkham (pouring himself another sherry) I am so sorry... do go on.
Kirkham: Well, it's just that recently I've begun to worry about...
Vicar: Well, look...
Kirkham: I sometimes ask myself- does the Bible intend...
(A group of Spanish singers in full national costutor and guitars bursts into tht Vestry, noisily singing a song praising Amontillado. A man in an extravagant Spanish costume rushes in. His hat has a sign on it saying: 'Sherry, the drink of champion'. Two girls come in bearing maracas and Carmen Miranda style hats. Mr Kirkham looks fed up. The Spaniards finish their song, noisily.)
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