Radio 5 on Radio One Written and performed by Eric Idle 1974 ------ Transcript by Sir Kobble ------ Here is a transcript of just a little bit (the first segment) of the Christmas episode of Radio Five, as well as the full list of music played in the program. Eric would take over for an hour on Radio One, play music and perform comedy skits. Sketches performed in this episode include "A Penny For Your Warts," which was later performed on Eric's TV show Rutland Weekend Television, as well as the "Missing Persons Sketch", which hasn't surfaced anywhere else as far as I know. With Lyn Ashley. ------ GRAMS: PATRIOTIC BRASS BAND MARCH. IDLE: Later on on the programme you can hear some very famous BBC celebrities, including a Mr. U, a Mr. X, a Miss P, a Miss A, Mr. and Mrs. T, and a Mr. D - no not you Simon. Viewers are warned that Russell Harty is not on this programme. FX: PHONE RINGING, CONTINUING THROUGHOUT IDLE'S INTRODUCTION. IDLE: Hello and welcome to this rather special Christmas phone-in, which today is coming to you from the third callbox on the left at the BBC--- WILL YOU ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE!! PHONE RINGING STOPS. IDLE: And first of all we're going to go all the way over to Australia, to hear about Christmas Day down under. FX: DIALLING NOISES, PHONE RINGING AND BEING PICKED UP. IDLE: Hello, Australia. AUSTRALIAN WOMAN (IDLE): Hello? IDLE: Hello, what was Christmas Day like in Australia? AUSTRALIAN WOMAN: I'm sorry dear, I'm in Earl's Court Off-Roader(?). IDLE: Oh. Err, what was Christmas Day like in Earl's Court? AUSTRALIAN WOMAN: It was very nice dear. IDLE: Did you all spend it on the beach? AUSTRALIAN WOMAN: No... IDLE: No... I don't suppose it was blazing hot with lots of lifeguards about. AUSTRALIAN WOMAN: No. IDLE: No... and no sharks. AUSTRALIAN WOMAN: Not in Earl's Court, dear. IDLE: No... Do you think you could put me through to Australia? I'm from the BBC. AUSTRALIAN WOMAN: Certainly dear, hang on a mo... Right, go ahead caller, please put in two hundred and ten pounds, thirty-two pee. FX: PHONE RUNNING OUT OF CREDIT. IDLE: Two pee... four... pee... THE CALL IS CUT OFF. IDLE: Oh, damn. Err... well, err we'll try to get through to Australia later, meanwhile let's take another caller... hello and welcome to the Christmas phone-in. THE CALLER IS QUEEN ELIZABETH II. IDLE IS OBLIVIOUS TO THIS. QUEEN (IDLE): Hello. My husband and I... IDLE: Can we have your name please? QUEEN: My husband and I... IDLE: Who is calling please? QUEEN: My husband... and I-- IDLE: What is your name please? QUEEN: Elizabeth R. IDLE: R for Roger? QUEEN: R for Regina. IDLE: (REALISING) Oh... sorry. QUEEN: Now shut up or I'll have your head off. IDLE: Sorry ma'am. QUEEN: Yesterday, my husband and I did a Christmas broadcast... IDLE: Yes... QUEEN: ...to all my people in the Commonwealth, on the BBC. IDLE: Yes? QUEEN: So far we haven't been paid. IDLE: Err, well, this is just a Christmas phone-in, ma'am, not the contracts department. QUEEN: Incidentally, my VAT number is 00, 000, 00 000, 00 00, 000, 001. THE CALL ENDS. IDLE: Thank you for calling, very much enjoyed your programme, very funny. Err, can we have the next caller please? HENRY KISSINGER (IDLE): This is Henry Kissinger, Secretary of State, Special Adviser To The President, and Master Of The Universe. IDLE: Sorry Henry, you want 'So You Think You've Got Problems', that's Radio 4. THE CALL ENDS. IDLE: Or maybe he wanted 'Housewife Of The Day'... anyway, err, next caller please. MAN (UNKNOWN ACTOR): Hello? IDLE: Hello? Who's there? MAN: Hello, this is the Robin Day phone-in. Who's that? IDLE: Err.. this is the Christmas Day phone-in. MAN: Oh. Have you got a question to put to Robin? IDLE: Err, well no, you see the thing is-- A WOMAN'S VOICE INTURRUPTS IDLE'S. WOMAN (LYN ASHLEY): Hello? Hello? MAN: Hello, who's there? IDLE: I think we've got a crossed line. MAN: Would you ring off, this is a caller for us. WOMAN: Hello? IDLE: No, it's not, I got her first. MAN: No no, she's for us. WOMAN: Hello?! MAN: Hello. Who are you? WOMAN: This is the Radio London phone-in, who are you please? MAN: This is 'It's Your Line To Robin Day'. IDLE: No it's not, it's 'Radio 5'. WOMAN: Oh dear. MAN: Have you got a question for Robin Day? WOMAN: No. IDLE: I have. MAN: Shut up. IDLE: Will he get off my line? MAN: It's not your line. WOMAN: This is Radio London. Will you please get off our line? MAN: It's not, it's our line. MAN WITH BRUMMIE ACCENT (IDLE): Hello? WOMAN: Hello? Is somebody there? MAN WITH BRUMMIE ACCENT IS INAUDIBLY MUMBLING OVER THE WOMAN AS SHE SAYS THIS. MAN WITH BRUMMIE ACCENT: Is... hello? WOMAN: Hello. Who's that? MAN WITH BRUMMIE ACCENT: This is the Birmingham Radio phone-in. MAN: No, this is Robin Day's phone-in. WOMAN: No, it's Radio London phone-in. MAN WITH BRUMMIE ACCENT: What is your request please to the Birmingham phone-in? CALLER TO BIRMINGHAM RADIO: I would like to hear Neil Innes singing the weather forecast. CUE "PROLOGUE / MOMMA BEE" BY NEIL INNES FROM HIS "HOW SWEET TO BE AN IDIOT" ALBUM. (THE TRACK IN QUESTION BEGINS WITH WEATHER-RELATED LYRICS, HENCE THE LINK.) --------- MUSIC LIST FOR RADIO 5 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL --------------------------------------- Prologue / Momma Bee - NEIL INNES Superstition - STEVIE WONDER Was a Sunny Day - PAUL SIMON Mr. Slater's Parrot - BONZO DOG BAND Nobody Wants You When You're Down and Out - NINA SIMONE Poor People - ALAN PRICE Medley (incorporating Singing the Blues / Sparrow In The Treetop / Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania / My Truly Truly Fair / She Wears Red Feathers (And A Hula Hula Skirt) / Belle, Belle, My Liberty Bell / Feet Up (Pat Him On the Po-Po)) - GUY MITCHELL Where Will The David Dimbleby? - ERIC IDLE Little Lamb Dragonfly - PAUL McCARTNEY & WINGS Richard Nixon Sings 'Folsom Prison Blues' - David Frye