THE MEANING OF LIFE by MONTY PYTHON (c) The Monty Python Partnership, March, 1982. Monty Python's The Meaning of Life {M0nti Pyth0n ik di Meeningen den Lifen} The Shooting Script By Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin, Eric Idle & John Cleese Courtesy Jonathan "Squidy" Sloman. As told to Garrett Gilchrist of Monty Python's PythoNET Visit http://orangecow.org/pythonet NOTE: This is the shooting screenplay for the 1983 film "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life." It's quite different from the finished film, in ways that are extremely interesting and not worth me describing here. Just read it. With many thanks to Jonathan Sloman, of God's Rude Wireless. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 UNDERWATER IN FISH TANK DAY STUDIO/PROCESS 1 BUBBLES. SEAWEED. EDDYING WATER. MARINE DETRITIUS. THE FLOTSAM AND JETSAM OF THE AQUATIC WORLD (BACKED BY RICH NELSON SCORE). Into vision swims ONE OF US dressed as a FISH. (In fact ALL SIX OF US are dressed as FISH and are suspended from wires (unseen). A SECOND PYTHON, piscatorially attired, swims into view. PYTHON FISH I Morning. PYTHON FISH II Morning. PYTHON FISH I and PYTHON FISH II tread water. PYTHON FISH III appears. PYTHON FISH III Morning. PYTHON FISH I Morning. PYTHON FISH II Morning. PYTHON FISH IV appears after a pause. PYTHON FISH IV Morning. PYTHON FISH III Morning. PYTHON FISH I Morning. PYTHON FISH II Morning. PYTHON FISH IV ... What's new? PYTHON FISH V and PYTHON FISH VI arrive during the consequent pause. PYTHON FISH V & VI Morning. THE OTHERS Morning, morning. PYTHON FISH I Frank was just asking what's new. PYTHON FISH V Was he? PYTHON FISH I Uh huh ... PYTHON FISH III Howard's being eaten. ALL ... Is he? They move forward. PYTHON FISH III Table V. At table V a large CREOSOTISH MAN is eating a large grilled fish. CUT BACK to the FISH. Long pause. PYTHON FISH II Makes you think doesn't it? Pause. PYTHON FISH IV ... I mean ... what's it all about? Pause. PYTHON FISH V Beats me. Loud Chord! 2 TITLES: THE MEANING OF LIFE 2 by Monty Python Over this: TITLE SONG: THE MEANING OF LIFE Why are we here, what is life all about? Is God really Real, or is there some doubt? For the next ninety minutes we'll sort it all out For tonight it's the Meaning of Life. What's the point of it all? or is it a hoax? Is it chicken and egg time, or are we just yolks? Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes, Well this is the Meaning of Life. Is life justa game where we make up the rules While we're searching for something to say. Or are we just simply spiralling coils Of self replicating DNA? Is there life after death, oh what is our fate? Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate? Is mankind evolving or is it too late? Well tonight is the Meaning of Life. For millions this life is a sad veil of tears While the cynical think it's just funny But tonight we've sorted the whole damn thing out And we've even used Hollywood money. So just who we are and why we are here Tonight for a change will all be made clear So sit back and relex and lend us an ear For this is the Meaning of Life. CUT TO 3 EXT. SAVAGE LANDSCAPE DAY SPECIAL EFFECTS STUDIO 3 A SAVAGE ORANGE LANDSCAPE with rushing winds and sands and whistling howling effects. Strange sounds emanate from the earth. A very Kubrick/ Ken Russell world. A BAND OF ODD CREATURES are gazing at the horizon, glowing red in the glow of a vast red giant of a sun, that takes up sixty per cent of their horizon. It glowers and grumbles, flickering tongues of flame, bursting away and arcing into space. A space-like CHOIR can be heard. A feeling of awe and impending doom. VOICE OVER On a far distant planet, far away in time and space a small band of semi- intelligent, half-evolved, nitrogen breathing fish like creatures help- lessly await the approach of a nearby dying star. Swollen into a vast red giant, a once mighty sun its nuclear core spent, approaches them as it cools, vapourising its inner planets and threatening them with extinction ... Poss. have v. dramatic moment with another sun approaching. Just before it reaches earth, as the APE-LIKE CREATURES turn and react CUT TO 4 INT. TELEVISION STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 4 KENNETH KENDALL appears on the screen sitting at a desk. KENNETH KENDALL Hallo. My name's Kenneth Kendall. Some of you may know me from reading the Nine O'Clock News on BBC television, but today I'm here in a very different role. On behalf of the producers of audiences that there is a quite rude bit coming up in the film soon. This is not the first time that there have been rude bits in Monty Python Films, but previously these rude bits have been sprung on the audience without any prior advance or warning. It is to avoid this situation, with all its concomitant embarrassment and mis- understanding, from happening again that I have been asked to offer these few words of explanation. The rude bit in question is a fully exposed frontal view of the male genitalia. The producers have asked me specially to say that the genitalia in question will not be suggestively exposed, or indeed seen in any state of sexual arousal. They merely will be hanging from the body of an adult male, in the normal place, as a doctor explains. 4a CUT TO talking head of DOCTOR. 4a CAPTION: A DOCTOR. DOCTOR Hello... I have already seen the rude bit which is soon to occur in this film. As far as I am concerned, the scene in question contains a fair, honest and unsensational representation of the penis and testicles of an average, Caucasian adult male. There is nothing abnormal about the size of the penis or, as Kenneth Kendall has already pointed out, anything to suggest that the member is swollen or enlarged as a result of any external physical stimuli. Thank you. 4b CUT TO KENNETH KENDALL 4b KENNETH KENDALL Thank you. The producers of this film want to make it clear that they accept that this is the kind of controvertial scene is a matter for public concern because of the possible effect it could have on individual members of the audience. I have with me Professor Faulkner of Psychology Department of Manchester University. Professor do you think there is a danger that certain individuals may be harmed by what they're about to see. PROFESSOR FAULKNER I really don't think so, Ken, no. I think the average person will be quite unaffected by the excerpt. KENNETH KENDALL You've seen it? PROFESSOR FAULKNER Yes I have, Ken. I couldn't condemn it personally. KENNETH KENDALL It might be acceptable for the average person but what about those less stable individuals. Is there a danger there? PROFESSOR FAULKNER Well let's face it Ken I can't guarantee that somebody isn't going to become com- pletely deranged by the sight of this... organ but that's one in a million and such a person would have a long history of mental illness and would almost certainly be already receiving treatment. But for everyone else, perfectly harmless. KENNETH KENDALL Perhaps almost a kind of public service? PROFESSOR FAULKNER I wouldn't go as far as that, Ken, no. But there could be individual cases where it could help. KENNETH KENDALL Well there are two expert views on the scene that is coming up. But although medical and psychological opinion does seem to regard the rude bit as acceptable there are of course moral questions to be answered. Should a cinema audience, in which there may be children hiding, be subjected to the sight of all the male genitatia, well-lit and in comparative close-up, facing them on the screen for about four seconds. (he turns) Your graces. We see THREE BISHOPS. What's the church's position of this? LEICESTER Can I just say first that I think there's a danger that we may be getting this whole thing out of proportion. BRISTOL & DURHAM Hear hear. LEICESTER After all we all have male parts, apart from woman, and I'm sure our Lord himself had some so... (he looks to Durham) DURHAM I can't see that there is anything morally wrong with the depiction of male, and I would almost go so far as to say, female, genitalia - provided of course there is no exidence of exploitation of these perfectly acceptable part of the body for humorous or erotic purposes. I haven't seen the clip but I'm assured that this is not the case. KENNETH KENDALL Well now you've heard all sides of the arguement. So it reamins only for me once again to warn those of you who may be offended or disturbed by the view of the genitalia that a clock will appear at the bottom left hand corner of the screen 20 seconds prior to the exact moment of exposure of the penis and testicles. Thank you. And I sincerely hope this will not spoil your enjoyment of what I feel is the very significant statement that the Monty Python team wish to make. Ladies and gentlemen The Meaning Of Life... CUT TO 5 ANIMATED CAPTION CARD 5 Another simple, elegant, not to say impressive CAPTION CARD, TITLE, or a very brief ANIMATED SEQUENCE, reading: THE MEANING OF LIFE Part I: The Miracle of Birth CUT TO 6 INT. BEDROOM SUBURBAN HOUSE DAY LOCATION 6 A PREGNANT WOMAN is lying in bed. She is having contractions. A LOVING HUSBAND is there, perhaps preparing a bag of things for the hospital. The atmosphere is homely, reassuring, darkish, warm and sympathetic. VOICE OVER Of all the many wonders of the Universe, of all the many myriad mysteries of nature herself, none can compare with that most intimate, indeed almost sacred moment of human life... birth itself. 7 INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY LOCATION OR STUDIO 7 Hard, very bright lights. Much metallic banging. PEOPLE rushing about importantly. The MOTHER-TO-BE is being wheeled very fast down the corridor. A NURSE with her slips into a CONSLULTANT'S [sic] room. 8 INT. CONSULTANT'S ROOM DAY LOCATION OR STUDIO 8 TWO DOCTORS are killing time as the NURSE enters. NURSE Mrs Moon's contractions are mor frequent doctor. THE DOCTORS spring into action. DOCTOR 1 Good. Take her into the feotus- frightening room. NURSE Yes doctor. She exits. We follow the DOCTORS - by a different route from the NURSE? - into the delivery room. 9 INT. DELIVERY ROOM DAY STUDIO 9 NURSES are waiting for the DOCTORS with surgical gowns. As they don the gowns the DOCTORS notice the lack of equipment. DOCTOR 1 Bit bare today. DOCTOR 2 Yeeeees. DOCTOR 1 More apparatus please nurse. NURSE Yes doctor. DOCTOR 1 The EEG, the BP monitor, the KRP - DOCTOR 2 And get the machine that goes 'Ping' - DOCTOR 1 And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes ... A lot of apparatus starts pouring into the room. The MOTHER on the trolley comes in between two pieces of equipment and gets lost, by being packed unnoticed behind some of the machines. DOCTOR That's better. Where's the patient? NURSES go to look for her outside but she is discovered behind the machines. DOCTORS go to address her. They always shout for her. DOCTOR 1 Hallo. Now don't you worry! DOCTOR 2 We'll soon have you cured!! DOCTOR 1 Leave it all to us, you'll never know what hit you. DOCTORS Goodbye!! Drips up! Injections! DOCTOR 2 Can I put the tube in the baby's head? DOCTOR 1 If I can do the epesiotomy. DOCTOR 2 OK. DOCTOR 1 Legs up. The legs are put in the stirrups. The DOCTORS check and then open the doors opposite. DOCTOR Come in everyone ... Come on in. Come on; all of you. A small HORDE enters, largely medical but with TWO JAPS with cameras. The DOCTOR bumps into a man. DOCTOR 1 Who are you? MAN I'm the husband. DOCTOR 1 I'm sorry only the people involved are allowed in here. The HUSBAND leaves. MRS MOON What do I do? DOCTOR 2 ... Who said that? NURSE The mother. DOCTOR 2 Mother I can't talk to you now I'm delivering a baby. NURSE No, doctor, the mother. DOCTOR 2 Oh! Good Lord. I'm sorry I didn't recognise you. MRS MOON What do I do? DOCTOR 2 Nothing dear. You're not qualified. DOCTOR 1 Leave it to us! MRS MOON What's that for! (she points at a machine) DOCTOR That's the thing that goes 'Ping'. (it goes 'Ping') You see. Ping! That means your baby is still alive. DOCTOR And this is the most expensive piece of apparatus in the whole hospital. DOCTOR Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds. DOCTOR Aren't you lucky! NURSE The administrator's here doctor! DOCTOR Switch everything on! They do so. Everything flashes and bleeps and thuds. Enter the ADMINISTRATOR ... ADMINISTRATOR Morning gentlemen. DOCTOR Morning, Mr. Pycroft. ADMINISTRATOR Very impressive. What are you doing this morning. DOCTOR It's a birth. ADMINISTRATOR And what sort of thing is that? DOCTOR It's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. ADMINISTRATOR Isn't it wonderful what we can do nowadays. Ah I see you've got the machine that goes 'Ping'! That's my favourite you know. We lease it back from the people we sold it to. That way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. They all applaud. Thank you. We try to do our best. Ah well carry on ... NURSE The vulva's dilating doctor. DOCTOR Oh yes there's the head ... 6 centimeters. 7 centimeters, 8, 9 ... DOCTOR 2 Lights! Amplify the ping machine, masks on! Suction! Blocks away! - DOCTOR (to Mother) Nothing to worry about!! DOCTOR Leave it to us!! DOCTOR Here it comes! The BABY arrives. Pause ... And ... frighten it! They grab BABY, hold it upside down, slap it, poke tubes up its nose, hose it with cold water. Then the BABY is placed on a wooden chopping block and the umbilicus severed with a chopper. DOCTOR The rough towels! It is dried with rough towels. DOCTOR Show it to the mother. It's shown to the MOTHER. That's enough! Sedate her, number the child, blood type it, measure it and ... isolate it. MRS MOON Is it a boy or a girl? DOCTOR Now I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it don't you? Now a word of advice, you may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression, PND as we doctors call it, so it's lots of happy pills and you can find out all about the birth when you get home, it's available on VHS, Betamax or Super 8 The MOTHER watches the CHILD disappearing ... VOICE OVER But we must never forget that there are still dark corners of the world where ignorance and superstition hold sway ... CUT TO 10 EXT. NORTHERN STREET DAY LOCATION 10 CAPTION: The North of England DAD marching home. We see his house. A stork flies above it. Dad sees stork. DAD Oh bloody hell. 11 INT. NORTHERN HOUSE DAY STUDIO COMPOSITES 11 A PREGNANT WOMAN at sink. CUT TO tighter SHOT of her legs below her skirt. With a cry a NEW BORN BABY complete with umbilical cord drops from between legs onto the floor. MOTHER Get that would you Deirdre ... A GIRL takes it. MOTHER carries on. DAD comes up to his door and pushes it open sadly. INSIDE there are at least 40 CHILDREN, of various ages, packed into the living room. MUM (with tray) Whose teatime is it? SCORES OF VOICES Me Mum ... A toilet flushes. One CHILD comes out, ANOTHER goes in. MUM Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha ... it's your bedtime! CHILDREN (all together) Oh, Mum! MUM Don't argue ... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda, Beryl, Barny ... Robert ... DAD Wait ... They ALL listen. I've got something to tell the whole family. ALL stop ... a buzz of excitement. MUM (to nearest son) Quick ... go and get the others in, Gordon! GORDON goes out. ANOTHER 20 or so CHILDREN enter the room. They squash in at the back as best they can. DAD The mill has closed. There's no more work, we're destitute. Lots of cries of "Oh no" ... "Cripes" ... "Heck" ... from around the table ... I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments ... I'm sorry, but that's the way it is ... blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things ... Oh they've done some good things in their time, they've preserved the might and majesty and indeed mystery af the church of Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things over the end of my cock we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. LITTLE BOY Couldn't Mummy have had some sort of pessery? DAD Not if we want to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world ... You see they believe ... well ... let me put it like this ... (he sings) There are Jews in the world, There are Buddhists, There are Hindus and Mormons and then There are those that follow Mohammed But I've never been one of them. I'm a Roman Catholic And have been since before I was born, And one thing I've learnt about Catholics Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm ... You don't have to be a six-footer You don't have to have a great brain, You don't have to have any clothes on - You're a Catholic the moment Dad came ... Because ... Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted God gets quite irate. This is developed into a massive and jolly production number à la "Chitty-Chitty Bang! Bang!" à la "Oliver"! CHILDREN sing lustily in the chorus. CHILDREN Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted God gets quite irate. At end of upbeat production number we come back to DAD. DAD So you see my problem, little ones ... I can't keep you here any longer. SHOUT FROM THE BACK Speak up! DAD (raising his voice) I can't keep you here any longer ... God has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you any more. BOY Couldn't you have your balls cut off ... ? DAD It isn't as simple as that Nigel ... God knows all ... He would see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to him ... VOICE You could get them pulled off in an accident? OTHER VOICES suggest ways his balls can be removed. DAD Children ... children ... I know you're trying to help but believe me, I have given this great and careful thought but my mind is made up ... it's medical experiments for the lot of you ... 12 EXT. NORTHERN STREET DAY LOCATION 12 The CHILDREN emerge singing "Every Sperm is Sacred". They flock down the street, the latest arrival being pulled along on a trolley by its umbilical cord. They are being watched from another Northern house ... CUT TO 13 INT. WORKING CLASS HOUSE DOWN THE STREET LOCATION 13 CHILDREN pass the window at regular intervals. MR BLACKITT lets the curtain back. MR BLACKITT Bloody Catholics, look at them, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed. MRS BLACKITT What are we dear? MR BLACKITT Protestant, and fiercely proud of it ... MRS BLACKITT Why do they have so many children ... ? MR BLACKITT Because every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby. MRS BLACKITT But it's the same with us, Harry. MR BLACKITT What d'you mean ... ? MRS BLACKITT Well we've got two children and we've had sexual intercourse twice. MR BLACKITT That's not the point ... we could have it anytime we wanted. MRS BLACKITT Really? MR BLACKITT Oh yes. And, what's more because we don't believe in all that Papist clap- trap we can take precautions. MRS BLACKITT You mean lock the door ... ? MR BLACKITT No, I mean, because we are members of the Protestant reformed church which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-16th century, we can use little rubber devices to prevent issue. MRS BLACKITT What do you mean? MR BLACKITT I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you ... MRS BLACKITT Oh yes ... Harvey ... MR BLACKITT And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I could ensure that when I came off ... you would not be impregnated. MRS BLACKITT Ooh! MR BLACKITT That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. It's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing. But 400 years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I like on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want. MRS BLACKITT What? MR BLACKITT French Ticklers ... Crocodile Ribs ... Black Mambos ... Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress ... MRS BLACKITT Have you got one? MR BLACKITT Have I got one? Well no ... but I can go down the road and walk into Harry's any time I want and hold my head up, and say in a loud steady voice "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant ... MRS BLACKITT Why don't you? MR BLACKITT But they ... (he points at the stream of Children still pouring past the house) ... they cannot. Their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages, and the domination of alien episcopal supremacy! CUT TO 14 ANIMATION. 14 EXCITING MUSIC. CUT TO ANIMATED TITLES "THE ADVENTURES OF MARTIN LUTHER" in Errol Flynn adventure-style lettering. CUT TO 15 EXT. LATRINE WINDOW DAY LOCATION 15 MARTIN LUTHER - a desperate-looking unshaven character in rough habit and too-long tonsure drops to the ground out of a high latrine window. He looks wild-eyed and hunted. He runs off. CUT TO 16 EXT. COURTYARD DAY LOCATION 16 WOMAN and two rather plain DAUGHTERS are sitting outside spinning. MAN arrives breathless. HUSBAND Mamie! Martin Luther's out! Consternation amongst the WOMENFOLK. MAMIE hurries her DAUGHTERS inside. MAMIE Did you bring the suet, Hymie? HYMIE (HUSBAND) Ay vay - the suet I clean forgot! MAMIE The suet you forgot! HYMIE The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat, the dripping, and the wool grease I remembered (hands over shopping) ... but the suet ... ay vay ... MAMIE (pointing to his head) So what d'you keep up there? Adipose tissue? How we going to eat butterfat without the suet? You want for us to eat it on its own? HYMIE Mamie, I'll go back and get the suet ... MAMIE How we going to eat dripping without suet? We'd be sick! HYMIE Look out Mamie! Here he comes. MAMIE goes inside shouting: MAMIE Girls! Your father forgot the suet! Groans from the GIRLS inside. MARTIN LUTHER is at the gate. His ears prick up at the female voices. His eyes flick from side to side. MARTIN LUTHER Where's the john? HYMIE We don't have one. MARTIN LUTHER No john? What d'you do? HYMIE We eat fat. MARTIN LUTHER And that stops you going to the john? HYMIE It's a theory. MARTIN LUTHER Does it work? HYMIE We ain't got no john. MARTIN LUTHER But d'you need to go? HYMIE You know how it is with theories - some days it's fine ... maybe one two ... three days ... and then just when it looks like you're ready to publish... (expression of resignation and discussion) Whoosh! We need a new kitchen floor. MARTIN LUTHER You should be so lucky! GIRL's laugh from inside. MARTIN LUTHER looks up - alert. Do you need any cleaning inside? HYMIE Today ... it's all going fine. MARTIN LUTHER How's about showing me the cutlery? HYMIE Martin - I got a woman and children in there. MARTIN LUTHER So there's no problem ... I just look at a few spoons ... and ... MARTIN LUTHER starts to go in. HYMIE stops him. HYMIE I got two girls in there, Martin ... you know what I mean. MARTIN LUTHER Honest! I don't look at your girls! I don't think about them! There! I put them out of my mind! Their necks ... their legs ... their little arms and bosoms ... I wipe from my mind. HYMIE You just want to see the spoons? MARTIN LUTHER My life! That's what I want to see. HYMIE I know I'm going to regret this. MARTIN LUTHER Listen! Cutlery is really my thing now. Girls with round breasts is over for me. HYMIE What am I doing? I know what's going to happen. He goes in. MARTIN LUTHER follows, crouching. MARTIN LUTHER I'll crouch behind you a little ... I think ... They go in. CUT TO 17 ANIMATION 17 FAT ANIMATION: Various leading PROTESTANT FIGURES inventing condoms. This transmogrifies into "TOWN AND COUNTRY" animation. At the end of this we return to the Protestant Contraception Leitmotif and hear the words: VOICE OVER But despite the efforts of the Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children multiplied everywhere ... CUT TO 18 CAPTION, TITLE or BRIEF ANIMATION: 18 "THE MEANING OF LIFE" Part II: 'Growth and Learning' CUT TO 19 INT. CHAPEL DAY LOCATION 19 THE CAMERA PANS along rows and rows of SCHOOLBOYS in the chapel. Over this shot we hear a man reading the lesson. MAN And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Haphezekiah, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, and there slew they the goats and placed they the little bits into pots. The MAN closes the Bible. HEADMASTER rises. HEADMASTER Let us praise God. Oh Lord ... CONGREGATION Oh Lord ... HEADMASTER Oooh you are so big ... CONGREGATION Oooh you are so big ... HEADMASTER So absolutely huge. CONGREGATION So ab-solutely huge. HEADMASTER Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you. CONGREGATION Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you. HEADMASTER I mean, you're so tough and strong, you could beat anybody up. CASTRATO (chants) You would smash his face in ... HEADMASTER And forgive us O Lord for this our dreadful toadying. CONGREGATION And barefaced flattery. HEADMASTER But we are most incredibly impressed 'cos you are so strong and well, just so super. CONGREGATION Fan-tastic. HEADMASTER Amen. Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that our cormorant is not an important part of the life of the school but I would remind you that it was presented to the school by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British ... Hymn 42 ... The CONGREGATION rise to sing. "Oh Lord, please don't burn us" ... CONGREGATION (singing) Oh Lord, please don't burn us, Don't grill or toast your flock Don't put us on the barbecue Or simmer us in stock Don't braise or bake or boil us Or stir-fry us in a wok ... 20 EXT. CHAPEL IN PUBLIC SCHOOL GAMES DAY LOCATION 20 We start now to CROSS FADE from chapel to the BOYS coming out of chapel and entering classrooms. The singing continues ... CONGREGATION (Cont) Oh please don't lightly poach us, Or baste us with hot fat Don't fricasse or roast us Or boil us in a vat, And please don't stick your followers In a rotissomat ... 21 INT. CLASSROOM DAY LOCATION 21 By the end of this we are in one classroom, where the CLASS is waiting in an orderly manner, reading or staring peacefully ahead. ONE BOY stands by the door. BOY He's coming! Pandemonium breaks out. MASTER walks in. HEADMASTER Oh settle down settle down. (he puts his papers down) Now before I begin the lesson will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes on to the lower peg immediately after lunch before you write your letters home, if you're not having your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter before you get your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes onto the lower peg after lunch for you. Now ... WYMER Sir? HEADMASTER Yes Wymer? WYMER My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend sir but I'm not getting my hair cut today sir, so do I move my clothes down or do I get him ... HEADMASTER I do wish you'd listen Wymer, it's perfectly simple, if you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to put your brother's clothes down on the lower peg, you just collect the note before you do your scripture prep after lunch when you've written your letter home before rest, move your clothes down a peg, greet the visitors. and report to Mr Webber before lunch that you've got your chit and of course your younger brother's. Now sex ... sex, sex, sex, where were we? Silence from form. A lot of hard thinking of the type indulged in by schoolboys who know they don't know the answer. Did we get as far as the penis entering the vagina? PUPILS I don't think so no. Don't think so. No sir. No we didn't, sir. HEADMASTER So we'd finished foreplay. PUPILS ... yes sir. Think so sir. Yes sir. HEADMASTER Well since we all know so much about it can you all tell me what is the purpose of foreplay then ... Biggs. BIGGS Don't know sir sorry. HEADMASTER Crawford. CRAWFORD Was it ... was it taking your clothes off sir? HEADMASTER And after that? WYMER Putting them on a lower peg sir? WILLIAMS throws a board duster at him and hits him. WYMER cries. HEADMASTER Foreplay is necessary to cause the vagina to lubricate which will allow the penis to penetrate more easily. SALES Could we have a window open sir? HEADMASTER ... Harris will you? ... and of course to encourage the man's penis to erect and har ... den. Did I do vaginal juices last week oh do pay attention Wadsworth, I know it's Friday afternoon oh watching the cricket are you right sit over there. WADSWORTH Sorry sir. HEADMASTER Now I'm warning you boys I may decide to set an exam this term. PUPILS Oh sir ... HEADMASTER So just ... now did I or did I not do vaginal juices last week? PUPILS Yes sir. HEADMASTER Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. WATSON Rubbing the clitoris. HEADMASTER What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Why not start with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at the gate. Give her a kiss. RICHARDS Suck the nipple sir. HEADMASTER Good. Good Richards. DUCKWORTH Stroking the thighs sir. HEADMASTER Yes I suppose so. BIGGS Oooh sir. Biting the neck. HEADMASTER Good. Nibbling the ear, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So there are all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris Watson. WATSON Yes sir. Sorry sir. HEADMASTER All forms of stimulation of the clitoris can now take place, do put that book away boy, what is it? SALES Caesar sir. HEADMASTER Well ... put it away ... and of course tonguing will give you the best idea (looking at watch) of how the juices are coming along (opens door and calls out of it) Jenkins, the bed please. Now penetration and coitus ... JENKINS enters pushing a rather plush four-poster. Ah thank you Jenkins ... that is of course, up to and including orgasm. MRS WILLIAMS has entered, a real corker, nude under a pretty dressing gown. Ah hallo dear. The PUPILS have ambled more or less to their feet. HEADMASTER Do stand up when my wife enters the room Carter. CARTER Sorry sir. MRS WILLIAMS Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight. HEADMASTER (starting to disrobe) Yes, well, I suppose we must ... MRS WILLIAMS (taking off the gown to reveal herself as-it-were naked) I said we'd be there by eight. HEADMASTER Well at least I'll have a reason to wind up the staff meeting. Now ... (he's got his shirt off) Wake up Wymer. This is for your benefit. I've no intention of going though all this again. The BOYS, who have been talking amongst themselves quietly, have resumed attentive positions. WILLIAMS picks up a pointer, but from now on the CAMERA largely plays on the BOYS' faces and reactions. The BOYS are no more interseted than they were in the last lesson on the Binomial theorem, though they pretend as usual. HEADMASTER Now we'll take the foreplay as read; if you don't mind dear. MRS WILLIAMS Of course not Humphrey. HEADMASTER And so I'll start by entering, or mounting my good lady wife in the standard way. The penis is now you'll notice more or less fully erect. There we are. That's better. Now ... Duckworth! DUCKWORTH Sorry sir. HEADMASTER What is it? DUCKWORTH It's an ocarina ... sir. HEADMASTER Bring it up here. Now the man starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic region, moving his penis up and down in the vagina thus ... and, put it there boy, put it there ... on the table ... while the wife maximizes her clitorial stimulation by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward, thank you dear ... now as the momentum increases and the sexual excitement builds what's funny Biggs? BIGGS Nothing sir. HEADMASTER Oh do share your little joke with the rest of us ... obviously some- thing frightfully funny's going on ... BIGGS No sir. HEADMASTER Well as it's so funny I think you'd better be selected for the boys team to play rugger against the masters this afternoon. BOY looks horrified. 22 EXT. PLAYING FIELD DAY LOCATION 22 BIGGS is standing in rugby kit. Whistle blows. CUT TO MASTER kicking off. CUT TO BIGGS catching ball. CUT TO MASTERS leaping in a heap upon him. A rough tough massacre of the BOYS by HUGE HULKING MASTERS now fills the screen with hilarious and striking visual images for about 45 seconds. After which a commentary starts. VOICE OVER Perhaps it is here, on the playing fields, that our youth finds the best preparation for the next chapter in life's story ... Last shouts of the rugger are CUT abruptly as we CUT TO 23 CAPTION: THE MEANING OF LIFE 23 Part III: Fighting Each Other 24 EXT. FLANDERS DAY LOCATION 24 CUT BACK TO NOISE SIMILAR TO RUGBY MATCH AND A SCENE IDENTICAL TO THE ONE WE'VE JUST LEFT: IN MUD AND BODIES ALL OVER THE PLACE. Now the noises are also augmented by the sound of whistling shells and the thud of mortars. We are in the First World War, in the trenches. We PAN AWAY from the trenches and across No-Man's Land where we pick up a DESPERATE SQUAD OF FIGHTING MEN huddled in a shell-hole. CUT TO A KNOLL. Over the knoll come the same SQUAD, smoke and shells-all around. Their faces are stained and blackened. TREVOR O.K. Blackitt, Timpson and Spadger - you take the buggers on the left flank. Willets, Bradbury and I will go for the gunpost. BLACKITT (a Deptford Cockney) You'll never make it sir ... let us come with you ... TREVOR Do as you're told man. BLACKITT Righto skipper. (he starts to go, then stops) Oh, if I ... if we don't meet again ... I just want to say it's been a privilege fighting alongside you sir ... They are continually ducking as bullets fly past them and shells burst overhead. TREVOR Yes, well I think this is hardly the time or place for a goodbye speech ... TREVOR is clearly anxious to go. BLACKITT No, me and the lads realise that but ... well ... we may never meet again and so ... TREVOR Alright, Blackitt, thanks a lot. BLACKITT Just a mo, sir! You see me and the lads had a little whip-round, and we bought you this, sir ... He produces a handsome ormulu clock from his pack. TREVOR is at a loss for words. He is continually ducking. TREVOR Well I don't know what to say ... It's a lovely thought ... thank you ... thank you all ... and now we'd better ... He starts to go. BLACKITT Hang on a tick, sir, we got something else for you ... TWO of the OTHERS emerge from some bushes with a grandfather clock. BLACKITT Sorry it's another clock ... There was a bit of a mix-up ... Wellacott thought he was buying the present, and Spadger and I had already got the other. TREVOR Well it's beautiful ... They're both beau - A bullet suddenly shatters the face of the grandfather clock (maybe kills one of the CARRIERS) TREVOR ... but I think perhaps we'd better get to cover now. I'll thank you properly later ... TREVOR starts to go again but BLACKITT hasn't finished. BLACKITT And Sergeant Harper got this for you, sir. He didn't know about the rest of us ... He hands over a wrist watch. TREVOR Lovely. A shell bursts right overhead. TREVOR flings himself down into the mud. Christ! Right! Let's go! BLACKITT And there's a card from all of us ... He produces a mud-splattered envelope. ... Sorry about that. TREVOR pockets it and tries to go on. Three cheers for Captain Donovan. Hip Hip - ALL Hooray! BLACKITT Hip Hip - ALL Hoor ... An almighty burst of machine-gun silences most of them. BLACKITT is hit. TREVOR Blackitt! BLACKITT (hurt) And one final thing, sir ... ah! Spadger, the cheque ... TREVOR Oh now really this is too much ... SPADGER Damn, I don't seem to be able to find it ... TREVOR (losing his cool) Oh! For Christ's sake man forget it! The OTHERS all look at TREVOR after this outburst, as if they can't believe his ingratitude. BLACKITT Oh! Ah! SPADGER You shouldn't have said that, sir. TREVOR I'm sorry. SPADGER You've hurt his feelings ... BLACKITT Don't mind me, Spadge ... Toffs is all the same ... one minute it's all please and thank you, the next they'll kick you in the teeth ... ONE WHISPERS Let's not give him the cake ... TREVOR I don't want any cake. SPADGER Blackitt cooked it specially for you, you bastard. They all look at BLACKITT rolling in the mud. ANOTHER Yeah, he saved his rations for six weeks sir. YET ANOTHER He made the icing ... he bought the hundreds and thousands ... SPADGER And look at him now! The least you can do is eat the bloody thing. Hostile murmurings. Shell whistles overhead. TREVOR I'm sorry I don't mean to be ungrateful ... Shell crashes. ... Let's have the cake ... and really enjoy it ... come on! Eh? ... 25 INT. NAAFI HUT DAY STUDIO/LOCATION 25 CUT TO A GENERAL giving an address from a stage in a Naafi hut. GENERAL Well of course warfare isn't like that. Warfare isn't to do with cakes and clocks and giving each other presents in the heat of battle. It's about responsibility and discipline and unquestioning obedience to the orders of your superiors. And may God strike me down if it were to be any other way. The HAND OF GOD descends and vapourises him to a small pile of smoking blue powder in a matter of seconds. CUT TO LARGE AUDIENCE OF COMBAT TROOPS, who are obviously about to go into battle and are receiving their last pep- talk. Their faces register unease, a few look furtively heavenwards. 26 ANIMATION 26 ANIMATION OF GOD'S HAND retreating back into cloads. 27 EXT. ARMY BARRACKS SQUARE DAY LOCATION 27 PAN DOWN to outside of Naafi hut and barracks square, where RSM WHATEVERHISNAMEIS is drilling the SQUAD OF RECRUITS. SGT MAJOR Now! Today we're going to do Marching up and down the square. That is unless any of you have got anything better to do? Well have any of you got nuffing else you'd rather be doing than marching hup and down the square? ATKINSON puts his hand up. Atkinson? Yes? What would you rather be doing Atkinson? ATKINSON Well to be quite honest, sarge, I'd rather be at home with the wife and kids. SGT MAJOR Would you now? ATKINSON Yes sir. SGT MAJOR Right, off you go then. ATKINSON goes. Now everybody else happy with my little plan of marching up and down the square a bit? COLES I've quite got a book I'd like to read ... SGT MAJOR Right! Well go and read your book then! COLES runs off. Now everyone else happy to carry on with my little scheme of marching hup and down the square. A.N. OTHER Sarge? SGT MAJOR Yeah, what is it, Wycliff? A.N OTHER (tentatively) Er ... I'm ... er ... learning the piano ... SGT MAJOR (with contempt) 'Learning the piano'? A.N OTHER Yes, sarge ... SGT MAJOR And I suppose you want to go and practice eh? Marching up and down the square not good enough for you! A.N. OTHER Well ... SGT MAJOR Right! Off you go! (turns to the rest) Now what about the rest of you? Rather go to the pictures I suppose. SQUAD Ooh rather. SGT MAJOR Right off you go. They go. Bloody army! Don't know what it's coming to ... Right, Sgt Major, marching up and down the square ... Begin! Left ... left ... left- right-left ... As the SGT MAJOR marches himself off into the distance of the barracks square: VOICE OVER War, said Machiavelli, is the ultimate state of politics. 28 INT. BACK PROJECTION/PROCESS DAY STUDIO 28 CUT TO AN EXPERT (who was just being the Voice Over). On screen behing him are army march pasts and battle scenes. He has to shout a little over the rumble of the tanks and rocket launchers. EXPERT And it is worth reminding ourselves that without war there would have been little or no development of small prepacked cheeses ... Background shots of prepacked cheeses. At this point we IRIS in the bottom left hand corner of the screen: 28a A FRENCH HOUSEWIFE, MME YOLANDE GUIDE-MICHELIN 28a She translates into French everthing he says in an annoyingly high-pitched monotone, while preparing a piperade for six without the anchovies. EXPERT ... no great leap forward in the building trade, no holiday camps, no drip-dry shirts. All these things, and other things too, are by-products of war. The scene behind him changes to the Trooping of the Colour. But in the fight for these great by-products or war, perhaps no army has shown more valour, courage and tenacity than the British Army, which went selflessly to the four corners of the Globe, to defend a civilisation and empire, a way of life that was truly the greatest achievement of the genius of the British People. MME YOLANDE GUIDE-MICHELIN (concluding) ... la plus grande de la genie de la peuple Brittanique. 29 EXT. RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 29 CUT TO the thick of battle. A Zulu attack on a British Army encampment circa 1890. (We could even buy it from Zulu maybe.) BRITISH RANKS are being killed right left and centre. The CAMERA TRACKS IN over the carnage and picks up an OFFICER who is running from one of the tents to another. He dis- appears into another tent. 30 INT. TENT DAY STUDIO 30 WE CUT TO the interior of the tent and see the OFFICER arrive. His name is AINSWORTH. Inside the tent a group of BRITISH OFFICERS are putting on their equipment in a rather leisurely way. ONE of them looks up as AINSWORTH enters. PAKENHAM-WALSH Morning Ainsworth. AINSWORTH Morning Pakenham-Walsh. PAKENHAM-WALSH Sleep well? AINSWORTH Not bad. Bitten to shreds though. Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito net. PAKENHAM-WALSH Savage blighters aren't they? 1st LIEUT CHADWICK (arriving) Excuse me sir. AINSWORTH Yes Chadwick? CHADWICK Perkins has been pretty badly bitten during the night sir. AINSWORTH So have we. Look. CHADWICK Yes, but I think doctor had better take a look at him sir. AINSWORTH Oh all right Chadwick. 31 EXT. RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 31 CHADWICK dashes off. AINSWORTH and PAKENHAM-WALSH run though line of assegais and enter PERKINS' tent. PERKINS is on his camp bed. 32 INT. TENT DAY STUDIO 32 AINSWORTH What's the matter Perkins? PERKINS Bitten sir. During the night. AINSWORTH Whole leg gone eh? PERKINS Yes. As they talk, the din of battle continues outside. Screams of dying men, crackling of tents set on fire. Occasionally an assegai thuds into the tent they are in. AINSWORTH How's it feel? PERKINS Stings a bit. AINSWORTH Well it would, wouldn't it. That's some bite you've got there you know. PERKINS Real beauty isn't it. ALL Yes. AINSWORTH Any ideas how it happened? PERKINS None at all. Complete mystery. Woke up just now ... one sock too many. PAKENHAM-WALSH You must have a hell of a hole in your net. AINSWORTH Do you think we'd better get the doctor? PERKINS Not worth it. PAKENHAM-WALSH Yes ... look. AINSWORTH That's enormous. PAKENHAM-WALSH Do you think it'll come back? AINSWORTH For more you mean? Yes, it might. We must get this stitched. LIVINGSTONE (entering tent with Chadwick) Good morning. PAKENHAM-WALSH Ah! Doc. LIVINGSTONE Something up? AINSWORTH Perkins had his leg bitten off during the night. LIVINGSTONE Ah hah!? Been in the wars have we? Any headache, bowels all right? Well now, let's have a look at this one leg of yours then (looks around under the sheet) Yes ... yes ... yes ... well, this is nothing to worry about. PERKINS Oh good. LIVINGSTONE There's a lot of it about, it's probably a virus, give it plenty of rest, keep warm, if you're playing football or anything try and favour the other leg. PERKINS Alright. LIVINGSTONE Should be right as rain in a couple of days. PERKINS Thanks for the reassurance doctor. LIVINGSTONE That's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can reassure you about? PERKINS No fine. LIVINGSTONE Jolly good then. Well I must be off. Uh ... PERKINS It'll just grow back then will it? LIVINGSTONE Er ... well look, I think I'd better come clean with you about this ... it's ... um ... it's not a virus I'm afraid. PERKINS Oh I see. LIVINGSTONE A virus is what we doctors call very very small. So small it could not have gone off with a whole leg. What we're looking for is I think, and this is no more than an educated guess, I'd make that clear, is some multi- cellular life form with stripes and huge razor sharp teeth, about eleven foot long and of the genus Felis horribiles. What we doctors in fact call a tiger. ALL IN TENT A tiger ... !! 33 EXT RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 33 CUT TO EXTERIOR EXTERIOR engaged in battle, included the ZULUS, breaks off and shouts in horror: ALL A tiger! ZULUS RUN OFF! 34 INT. TENT DAY STUDIO 34 CUT BACK to interior tent. They all look up as there is a knock on the tent. An RSM who is pin-cushioned with assegais, enters. As he does so we may (or may not) notice a cross- legged INDIAN outside lowering a small piece of front door with knocker atached. RSM The attacks over, sir! The Zulus have reteated! AINSWORTH (dismissively) Jolly good. (he turns back to the group around Perkins) RSM (cheerily) Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C Division wiped out. Signals gone. 30 killed in F Section. I should think about a hundred - a hundred after fifty men altogether. AINSWORTH (not very interested) Yes, yes. RSM I haven't checked the final figures, there's a lot of very seriously wounded in the compound ... AINSWORTH (interrupting) Yes yes, look ... it's just that we have a bit of a problem here. (with gravity) One of the officers has lost a leg. RSM (stunned by the news) Oh no, sir! AINSWORTH (gravely) Probably a tiger. RSM (visibly moved) Oh dear! AINSWORTH M.O. thinks there's a chance of stiching it back on if we can find it quickly. RSM Right sir! I'll organise a party right away, sir! AINSWORTH (brightening up) Yes, that's a jolly good idea. We can have some nuts and paper hats oh and I know! We'll put the names of famous people on everyone's back so they have to guess ... RSM No no - a search party, sir. AINSWORTH Oh yes, much better idea. We'd better organise it right away. 35 EXT. RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 35 AINSWORTH leads the RSM out into the compound. Dead British BODIES (of the other ranks) are everywhere. RSM (apologetically) Sorry about the mess, sir. We'll get it all cleared up, sir, by the time you get back. They walk through the carnage. ORDERLIES are cheerfully attending to the equally cheery WOUNDED and the only slighty less cheery DEAD. Some look at AINSWORTH and the RSM pass by. A DYING MAN (covered in blood) We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? He gives a thumbs up and dies. ANOTHER CHEERY COCKNEY (from under a pile of dead bodies) Isn't this fun, sir? AINSWORTH (abstracted) Yes ... er ... good. A.C.C. You know ... all the killing ... the bloodshed ... bloody good fun, isn't it, sir? AINSWORTH Yes. He waves and moves on. A SEVERED HEAD Morning, sir! AINSWORTH Nasty wound you've got there, Potter. A SEVERED HEAD (cheerily) Thank you sir! ANOTHER TERRIBLE CASUALTY Better than staying at home, sir! At home if you kill someone they arrest you. Here they give you a gun, and show you how to do it! AINSWORTH (moving on) Jolly good ... A.T.C. I mean I killed fifteen of them buggers today! Now in civvy street they'd hang me for it. Here they give me a medal! AINSWORTH Good show. AINSWORTH and RSM move on. The RSM, during the preceding, has been enlisting men for the search party. 36 EXT. JUNGLE DAY LOCATION 36 FADE UP ON THICK JUNGLE. The SEARCH PARTY for PERKINS' leg are passing though. The jungle is dense and the atmosphere is threatening. The MEN beat the undergrowth. They keep reaching onto thickets and finding LEGS (usually British colonial legs with Alkit socks and well polished shoes) which they keep bringing to the M.O. The M.O. is walking beside PERKINS' litter. The M.O. shakes his head and they throw the legs back into the jungle. LIVINGSTONE (to Perkins, solicitously) How are you feeling, old man? PERKINS Incredibly randy. LIVINGSTONE What? PERKINS Well, bouncing up and down like this ... A CHEERY COCKNEY comes up with a big black leg. LIVINGSTONE Don't be silly, Chater, put it back Don't waste my time. PERKINS All this jigging about ... It's like being on a bus ... LIVINGSTONE (giving him a strange look) On a bus? PERKINS Yes, one of those country routes, where they're making the road up. PAKENHAM-WALSH, who is leading the expedition, suddenly throws out his arms to stop everyone and gives a shriek. PAKENHAM-WALSH Look! EVERYONE STOPS. RSM Ooh! I shat meself! PACKENHAM-WALSH Look! There in the bush! Guns are levelled and there is a fusillade of shots. A PAUSE as they stare intensely. A tiger's head and upper body now appears, rising up out of the thicket with its paws up. Pause. The HUNTERS eye each other. The tiger's rear end now appears backing itself out of the thicket a little way away. For a moment it looks like a very long tiger. AINSWORTH Steady men!! God it's huge! The Rear End turns and speaks. REAR END Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. (takes of head) We were just ... AINSWORTH What? REAR END Hum? AINSWORTH Why are you dressed as a tiger? REAR END Hmm ... oh ... why! ... ah ... isn't it absolutely beautiful today. FRONT END Isn't it capital. AINSWORTH Answer the question. REAR END Oh it's just er ... ummm ... FRONT END Actually! We're dressed like this because ... no that's not it. REAR END We did it for a lark. Part of a spree. High spirits. Simple as that. FRONT END Nothing more to it ... All stare. Well actually ... we're on a mission for British Intelligence, there's a pro-Soviet maharajah ... REAR END No, no. FRONT END No, no, no. REAR END No, no we're doing a sherry ad. FRONT END It's, forget about the Soviets. It's a new campaign for Domecq sherry - for the cinema - only the film crew ran off and just left us here. REAR END We're supposed to sing a jingle, 'Domecq sherry is a real treat, Even tigers prefer it to meat'. FRONT END It's going to be tested in selected areas before it goes national. REAR END Only it's not a very likely story so when we heard you coming we hid rather than have to explain. FRONT END That was it! Pause. REAR END All right. We are dressed as a tiger because he has an aunt who did it in 1931 and this is the 50th anniversary. FRONT END No. We're doing it for a bet. REAR END God told us to do it. FRONT END To tell the truth we are completely mad. We are the inmates of a Bengali Psychiatric Institution and we escaped by making this skin out of old cereal packets ... PERKINS It doesn't matter. FRONT END What? PERKINS It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger, have they got my leg? AINSWORTH Good thinking. Have you? FRONT END ... I'm sorry what was the question? AINSWORTH Have you got his leg? FRONT END ... How do you mean? AINSWORTH It's perfectly simple. FRONT END No it isn't. AINSWORTH It is. REAR END Actually! AINSWORTH Yes. REAR END It's because we're thinking of training as taxidermists and we wanted to get a feel of it from the animal's point of view. AINSWORTH Shut up. Look we're just asking you if you have this man's right leg ... Pause. If you took it!? FRONT END A wooden leg? AINSWORTH No, a proper leg. Look he was asleep and someone or something removed his leg. FRONT END Without waking him up? AINSWORTH Yes. FRONT END We don't believe you. REAR END We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Hyderabad and the owner wanted it delivered to Rangoon so we said ... AINSWORTH Shut up. Now have you got his leg or not ... REAR END Yes. FRONT END No. No no no. AINSWORTH Why did you say 'yes'? FRONT END I didn't. AINSWORTH I'm not talking to you ... REAR END Er ... er ... AINSWORTH Search the thicket. FRONT END Oh come on do we look like the sort of men who'd creep into a camp at ... night, steal into someone's tent, tissue-type them, give tham an anaesthetic, amputate the leg and run off with it? AINSWORTH Search the thicket! FRONT END Oh leg! You're looking for a leg. I think there is one in there actually. Somebody must have abandoned it here, knowing you were coming after it. we stumbled over it actually and wondered what it was, they'll be miles away by now and I expect we'll have to take all the blame. PAKENHAM-WALSH I think I heard something. During this last exchange a NATIVE turns and leers at the CAMERA, while the dialogue continues behind him. Then he unzips his body to reveal a FULLY DRESSED WHITE ANNOUNCER in dinner jacket and bow tie underneath. ZULU KENNETH KENDALL Welcome to the Middle of the Film. 37 CUT TO SUBURB AMAZING ANIMATION TITLES SEQUENCE ANNOUNCING 37 "THE MIDDLE OF THE FILM" UP-BEAT MUSIC. 38 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 38 CUT TO A LADY PRESENTER AT DESK WITH FLOWERS. PRESENTER Hello ... and welcome to the middle of the film. This is the bit halfway through the film equidistant from beginning and end, or as near as makes makes no difference, when we take time off to discuss your personal and private problems. Too often the film industry is accused of irresponsibility or just not caring, but in this film we have the services of an international panel of stars who have consented to give their services and advice totally free on all matters pertaining to modern cinema ... And our first question from you - the audience - comes from a couple in Row Z. Don't all turn round please! These problems are confidential and will be treated as such. Their problem is quite a simple one. They write ... "In many cinemas today the air is very hot, but also very dry, and both of us ... names supplied ... find that we develop an ugly red rash during the cinema-going process which can be painful and embarassing ... We have been told it's all psychological ... Others say we should sit further forward. What does the international panel think?" Well, first we went to New Mexico to talk to Clint Eastwood about this. 39 EXT. NEW MEXICO DAY LOCATION 39 CLINT EASTWOOD Well I was very sorry to hear that these two have a problem with the heating in cinemas. All I can say is - VOICE OVER Five minutes, Mr Eastwood. CLINT EASTWOOD - that all buildings are different, and that if the heating system at their local cinema is problematic, perhaps the answer is to try another cinema where they may find the temperature control more satisfactory. 40 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 40 PRESENTER Robert Redford in Hollywood. 41 EXT. HOLLYWOOD DAY LOCATION 41 ROBERT REDFORD Well no-one likes to have a rash. They can be irritating and embarrassing, and obviously if it interferes with their cinema going, it's bad for us, it's bad for them and it's bad for the seats. I would suggest that they spoke to the assistant manager of the cinema (not the manager, obviously, because he'll be very busy) speak to the assistant manager and ask if there is a heating duct or a radiator of any kind near to Row Z. If indeed there is, then our friends could perhaps move away. But if it's a thermostat controlling the entire theatre area, thn this should be examined by the assistant manager to make sure it's ... operating efficiently and not causing discomfort owing to a fault in the equipment. 42 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 42 PRESENTER Thank you Bob, good advice there. Now to Switzerland where Julie Andrews gives her advice. 43 EXT. SWITZERLAND DAY LOCATION 43 JULIE ANDREWS I agree with Bob. If there is a recurrent skin problem, and God knows none of us enjoy having a skin rash, if these people are regular patrons then I think they should put their heads together with the assistant manager (and I agree with Bob, don't bother the manager himself over a problem like this) and try and work something out together. Believe me I know the problem. When I was filming The Sound Of Music I had a red - 44 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 44 PRESENTER Thank you Julie, Bob and Clint. I hope that solves the problems of Ken and Julia. Well, we're almost at the end of the Middle of the Film now, and time for Screen Test - this is the moment where we the film makers throw our screens open to you the public and invite you to come and display your talents on the big silver screen alongside some of your great heroes. Our first entrant is Mr Kirby from Harrogate and he does bird impressions. 45 PHOTO INSERT Still photo of MR KIRBY. PRESENTER (Cont) Here he is in a scene with Charles Bronson. CUT TO 46 A STEAMY DEEP SOUTH FARMHOUSE DAY LOCATION 45 Birds chirruping. Suddenly the door is smashed and hacked to splinters with an axe. BRONSON stands there. BRONSON's lip curls contemptuously as he looks around. He wears old trousers roughly tied up with a belt and a sweat- stained dirty vest. He is sweating profusely. He glares around, then steps out onto the verandah. His eyes narrow. He walks slowly down the steps. He ventures out onto the sun-baked patch in front of the house. He squints his eyes against the heat of the sun. Cautiously he looks around the barn, the horses in the corral, the well, the out- houses. Suddenly his eyes catches something. He walks stealthily but determinedly towards a water butt - as he gets to it we see a figure crouching behind it. It is MR KIRBY. BRONSON lifts him bodily up into the air and smashes him with his fist sending him reeling across the farmyard into the water trough. The bird noises stop. BRONSON listens. CUT BACK TO THE PRESENTER 47 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 47 PRESENTER Our second young hopeful this evening is Dorothy Wiseman from Highgate. 48 PHOTO INSERT 48 Photo of young rather plain Jewish girl. PRESENTER (Cont) Dorothy's ambition is to appear in a blue film. 49 INT. SEEDY BEDROOM DAY STUDIO 49 CUT TO BLACK AND WHITE (8mm). A rather seedy bedroom. DOROTHY I said a new film ... Really I did! ... Oh! Please! My father works in a bank! She disappears under a mound of heaving flesh. 50 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 50 PRESENTER And finally, the Middle of the Film proudly presents Find the Fish, in which we invite you the cinema audience to guess where the fish is in the following scene. If you think you know, don't keep it to yourself - YELL OUT - so that all the cinema can hear. 51 EXT./INT. COUNTRY HOUSE DAY LOCATION 51 CUT TO A MAGNIFICENT PANORAMA OF AN ENGLISH COUNTRY HOUSE. SPLENDID AND ELEGENT. WE TRACK SLOWLY IN THROUGH ITS MASSIVE WINDOWS TO A VERY STRANGE SCENE. A MAN with a big bow in his hair is sitting suspended in mid- air by the fire. In the fire is a MAN crouching doing im- pressions of fire, quite badly. The WOMAN wears a corset and stockings but her face is blacked up with a white sambo mouth. She is doing Chinese exercises. All the furniture is the wrong size. MAN I wonder where that fish has gone. WOMAN You did love it so. You looked after it like a son. MAN (strangely) And it went wherever I did go. WOMAN Is it in the cupboard? AUDIENCE (on stereo) Yes! No! WOMAN Wouldn't you like to know. It was a lovely little fish. MAN (strangely) And it went whenever I did go. MAN IN AUDIENCE (in stereo) It's in the radio! During the remainder of the scene with the MAN and WOMAN, there are continuous shouts from the AUDIENCE: "Look under the table. His trousers! Shut up! I can't hear the film! Go and shout outside! Be quiet. Look, her bag! It's part of the film. No it isn't! Look in the cupboard! Try the fish bowl. Shut up!" WOMAN Where can that fish be? MAN IN AUDIENCE Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau? WOMAN It is a most elusive fish. MAN (strangely) And it went wherever I did go. WOMAN Oh fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. MAN Fish, fish, fish, fishy oh! WOMAN Oh fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. MAN (strangely) And it went wherever I did go. 52 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 52 CUT TO PRESENTER. PRESENTER Well that's all we have time for from Find The Fish. MAN IN AUDIENCE Where was it? PRESENTER In the next Middle of the Film we'll be having another look ... MAN IN AUDIENCE Where was the fish? WOMAN IN AUDIENCE Sh! MAN IN AUDIENCE I have a right to know! WOMAN IN AUDIENCE What does it matter where the fish was? MAN IN AUDIENCE I just want to know where it was. General murmurs of agreement from other members of the audience as well as shouts of "Shut up!" and "Sit down!" PRESENTER (completely oblivious) ... So from me it's toodle-oo! And on with the film proper! MUSIC CUT TO FILM 53 EXT. UNDERWATER IN FISH TANK DAY STUDIO/PROCESS 53 PYTHONS AS FISH (as in Scene 1). AUDIENCE There are the fish! There they are! CUT TO our FISH in the tank. FIVE of them PYTHON FISH I That was terrific! PYTHON FISH II Great! PYTHON FISH III Best bit so far. PYTHON FISHES Yeah! Absolutely ... ! Terrific! Yeah! ... Whistling. 'More' ... Pause. PYTHON FISH V Hasn't been much about the Meaning of Life so far, has there ... ? SEVERAL FISH No ... not much ... PYTHON FISH I Well it's been building up to it. PYTHON FISH II Has it? PYTHON FISH Yeah, it'll be starting any moment now. PYTHON FISH Personally I doubt very much whether there'll be anything about it at all. PYTHON FISH Come on ... course there will ... ... it's just ... coming up I expect. Yeah. They swim around a bit. PYTHON FISH Not much happening at the moment, is there ... ? PYTHON FISH What'll the next bit be ... ? PYTHON FISH Caption ... I ... expect. PYTHON FISH For the next stage of life ... PYTHON FISH Yeah. Of the life cycle ... PYTHON FISH Middle age ... PYTHON FISH Probably... Pause ... PYTHON FISH Leaving it a bit long aren't they ... ? 54 CAPTION: MIDDLE AGE 54 PYTHON FISHES IN V/O There you are. We were right. Told you so. 55 INT. STUDIO 55 SCREEN GOES BLACK. We hear various clangs as of doors sliding back. We make out dim shadows and hear the occasional "Ooh" ... "Oh" ... "Hey!". Suddenly a door swings back and light floods the screen. 56 INT. A GARISHLY DECORATED MODERN HOTEL BEDROOM DAY STUDIO 56 with a view of city skyscrapers outside. TWO FIGURES come in. Reveal it's a MAN and a WOMAN, MR & MRS HENDY, they are in up-to-date, bland, American-Internat- ional clothes. MRS HENDY Oh that's marvellous ... look at that view ... ARAB The poolside is open for lunch, or if you prefer full a la carte, ring 24 for reservation in the Tutenkhamum restaurant. MR & MRS HENDY Oh thank you, that's wonderful ... They stand at the window. MR HENDY Oh look at this darling ... He presses a button - the entire city skyscraper landscape disappears and is replaced by a snowscape, glaciers and lakes and mountains. (Back projection plates 51a) MRS HENDY Oh that's wonderful ... I love Canada ... MR HENDY Me too darling ... I love everything ... MRS HENDY Me too ... Phone rings ... MR HENDY answers. MR HENDY Hello ... yes ... oh ... yes ... no, we haven't eaten yet ... yes ... oh ... wow! ... really ... oh that's marvellous ... yes ... wow thanks ... MRS HENDY What's that darling? MR HENDY Apparently there's been an outbreak of cholera in the hotel ... MRS HENDY Oh no ... that's too bad ... MR HENDY But they don't think we'll have any problem ... MRS HENDY Oh that's good ... MR HENDY Because we haven't eaten here yet. They just ran up to warn us ... MRS HENDY Why that's marvellous ... MR HENDY Isn't that so nice ... It was that nice girl on the reception ... MRS HENDY I think it's real hard luck to have cholera break out in a place as nice as this. MR HENDY That's what I think. But she says the victims are all going to get really well looked after - and the ones that live are gonna be given a free vacation at any Super-Inn Hotel, anywhere in the world ... MRS HENDY Oh that's really nice ... MR HENDY She even told us what to avoid on the menu. Most of the meat is contaminated, but if we stick to cheeseburger we'll be fine. MRS HENDY Well I wasn't very hungry myself ... MR HENDY Me neither ... well, I could use a shower, and a freshen up ... then maybe we could go and explore a little ... MRS HENDY That sounds great ... I'll just empty out the contents of my handbag and have a look though ... okay? MR HENDY That ... that's a great idea ... He goes into the bathroom, she looks through her handbag, humming tunelessly, then she plays around with various awful mock gadgets, bits of every period of furnishings ... She 'mms and ah's and really appreciates it all. Sound of water running, then being turned off. Husband reappears. MRS HENDY Feel better ... ? MR HENDY Yeah ... they have 2 showers you know that? MRS HENDY Two, that's great. MR HENDY Yeah. There was a dead guy in one of them, so it meant I could still take a shower. MRS HENDY Oh that's good. MR HENDY You know ... they really take trouble here ... the guy who was dead had obviously been stabbed a lot and you know how some places would have just left him there bleeding all over the place ... MRS HENDY Yeah right ... some hotels would ... MR HENDY Well here he's all been gutted and sewn up and he's in a plastic bag and there's a little note with it ... He hands her a note. Look at that ... MRS HENDY (reads) "We are sorry that you have a corpse in your bathroom. We will do all we can to have him removed by nightfall ... Have a nice day." Now that's what I can service. MR HENDY Me too. What's in your bag today, honey? MRS HENDY Oh just the usual things ... pocket- book, powder-case, couple of sticks of eye-shadow, packets of gun, diary ... 38 tampons ... MR HENDY 38 Tampons ... ? MRS HENDY Yeah I was given a couple of boxes free when we checked in ... MR HENDY Oh that's real nice. MRS HENDY Yeah, that's what I thought ... real kind ... I was just signing my name in when she said "How old are you?" I said, I'm 46 ... she said "are you still menstruating?" I said sure ... MR HENDY Right! MRS HENDY She gave me these little boxes ... compliments of the Super-Inn ... look at that ... isn't that cute? MR HENDY (reading from lid of box) "Have a nice month" ... that's real good ... MRS HENDY Yeah, I love this place ... MR HENDY Me too ... let's take a walk shall we. 57 INT. HOTEL LOBBY DAY LOCATION? 57 CUT TO THE HOTEL LOBBY. Busy, efficient MEN with walkie- talkies mingle with lost GUESTS and PORTERS. OUR COUPLE emerge from the elevator. They stand in their ill-fitting plastic clothes awkwardly on the polished floor. A GIRL in a piled-up wig and full crinoline and clipboard approaches them. She wears a plastic button: "M'lady Joeline". GIRL Hi! How are you? MR HENDY Oh we're just fine. GIRL Well that's good. MR HENDY How's the cholera problem coming along? GIRL Oh just fine ... I think we got it licked ... MR HENDY That's great because it's a real nasty thing to have happen in a hotel ... GIRL Right ... cholera's no fun ... Why, did you know that in the 19th century cholera accounted for 12 million deaths in Europe alone ... MR HENDY Is that so? GIRL Right ... So you can see how keen we are to get it here ... Right now, we need cholera like a hole in the head. MR & MRS HENDY (laughing) Right! GIRL So what sort of food you like to eat this evening? MR HENDY Well we sort of like pineapple don't we ... ? MRS HENDY Yeah, we really love pineapples. MR HENDY Anything with pineapples is great for us ... huh? GIRL Well, how about the Dungeon Room. MR HENDY That sounds fine ... GIRL It's real Hawaiian food in a medieval English dungeon atmosphere ... MRS HENDY That sounds fine. CUT TO 58 INT. RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 58 THE RESTAURANT. Dark, full of torture instruments, stocks, Chamber of Horrors stuff. They sit down. A WAITRESS dressed in a grotesque travesty of a Beefeater's outfit, all black tights and cleavage, comes up. WAITRESS Hello, I'm Diana, I'm your waitress for tonight ... MR HENDY I'm Mr Hendy. MRS HENDY I'm Mrs Hendy ... MR AND MRS HENDY (together) ... we're your guests for tonight! WAITRESS Where are you from? MR AND MRS HENDY We're from 259. MR HENDY Where are you from? WAITRESS (pointing to kitchen) I'm from out of those doors over there... MR HENDY Right. MRS HENDY Great ... WAITRESS (reaching across to central serving table) Here's your Iced Water ... MRS HENDY Oh thank you ... WAITRESS Coffee ... MR HENDY Thank you very much ... WAITRESS T.V. ... ? MR HENDY Oh yeah ... that's fine ... MRS HENDY Yeah that's real nice ... WAITRESS dumps a T.V. on the table. MR HENDY Me too. WAITRESS Ketchup ... MR HENDY Thank you ... She puts ketchup on the table. MRS HENDY Thank you ... WAITRESS Telephone ... MR HENDY Telephone ... ? WAITRESS You can phone any other table in the restaurant after 6 ... MR HENDY Oh that's great ... MRS HENDY Some choice ... MR HENDY Right ... WAITRESS O.K. ... D'you want any food with your meal? MR HENDY Well, what d'you have? WAITRESS Well we have things shaped like that in green or we have things shaped like this in brown ... MR HENDY What d'you think darling? MRS HENDY Well it is our anniversary night ... MR HENDY Yeah ... what the hell ... we'll have a couple of things shaped like that in brown please ... WAITRESS Fine sir ... thank you ... (she writes) ... 2 brown Number 259 ... and will you be having intercourse tonight ... ? MR HENDY Er ... do we have to decide now ... ? MRS HENDY It's a nice idea ... lovely ... why not ... MR HENDY Yeah, right ... could be fun ... WAITRESS (writing on check, then looking up) Are you Catholic in any way? MR HENDY No we're a Protestant couple. She takes out a condom and slaps it on the table. WAITRESS That'll be 15 dollars extra ... MR HENDY (with a nervous laugh) Well ... it's too late to change now ... WAITRESS Right ... She tears off the check and sticks it under the television on the table ... MR HENDY Oh, thanks. WAITRESS You're welcome ... She leaves. MRS HENDY (gazing around) I love it here ... MR HENDY Me too. MRS HENDY Right ... A long pause as they sit, smiling vacantly; then they look up as a WINE-WAITER-LIKE FIGURE appears. WAITER Good evening ... would you care for something to talk about? He hands them a menu card with a list of subjects on. MR HENDY Oh that's wonderful. MRS HENDY (looking at card) Mm ... right! WAITER Our special tonight is politics ... MR HENDY Oh that sounds interesting ... MRS HENDY What's this here ... ? WAITER Oh that's football ... you can talk about the Eagles v. Dodgers game, Saturday ... or you can reminisce about great World Series games - MRS HENDY No ... MR HENDY What's this one ... WAITER That's philosophy. MRS HENDY Is that a sport? WAITER No, it's more of an attempt to contruct a viable hypothesis to explain the Meanig of Life. 59 INT. FISH TANK DAY STUDIO 59 CUT BACK to FISH in tank, there is one less of them. They prick their fins up. 60 INT. RESTAURANT DAY LOCATION? 60 CUT BACK to HENDYS in restaurant. MR HENDY Yeah ... sure ... that would be interesting ... Would you like to talk about the Meaning of Life, honey ... MR HENDY Sure, why not? WAITER Philosophy for two? MR HENDY Right ... WAITER (making out check) Room? MR HENDY 259. WAITER marks bill, tears it off, and put it under the TV and is about to go. Er ... excuse me, how do we er ... ? WAITER Oh, you want me to start you off? MR HENDY We'd appreciate that ... MRS HENDY Right ... WAITER O.K. ... (thinks for a moment) D'you ever wonder just why you're here? They look at each other. MR HENDY Well ... we went to Miami last year and er California the year before that, and we've done most of - WAITER No, no ... I mean why we're here. On this planet? MR HENDY (emphatically) Oh no! WAITER Have you ever wanted to know what it's all about? MR HENDY looks at MRS HENDY a little uncertainly. MR HENDY (guardedly) ... N ... n ... nope. WAITER Well, throughout history there have been men and women who have tried to find the solution to the mystery of existance. MRS HENDY Great. WAITER And we term such people "philosophers". MRS HENDY That's what we're talking about! WAITER Right! MRS HENDY That's neat! WAITER Well you look as though you've got the idea, so why don't I leave you these two conversation cards - they'l tell you little about philosophical method, names of great - MRS HENDY What's "philosophical"? WAITER It's the abjective [sic] from philosophy ... MRS HENDY Oh right! Like a "windy" day ... WAITER You got it! So there you are (he hands them two smaller cards) Hope you enjoy your conversation. He leaves. MR HENDY Thank you! MRS HENDY He's cute. They sit and look at the cards, then rather formally and uncetainly MRS HENDY opens the conversation. I didn't know Schopenhauer was a philosopher ... MR HENDY Why sure ... He's the one that begins with 'S'. MRS HENDY Oh yes ... MR HENDY Huh huh ... (pause) ... like Nietzsche ... MRS HENDY Does Nietzsche begin with an S? MR HENDY There's an S in Nietzsche ... MRS HENDY Wow! Yeah! Do all philosophers have an S in them? MR HENDY I think most of them do. MRS HENDY Wow! ... Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher? MR HENDY Yeah ... maybe she is ... She sings about the Meaning of Life. MRS HENDY Yeah, but she doesn't write her own material I don't think. MR HENDY Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material? MRS HENDY No .. I think it's Burt Bacharach ... MR HENDY There's no 'S' in Burt Bacharach ... MRS HENDY ... Or in Hal David ... MR HENDY Who's Hal David? MRS HENDY He write the lyrics, Burt just writes the tune ... MR HENDY Oh ... Long pause. MR HENDY eventually raises his hand: Waiter! The CONVERSATION WAITER comes over. WAITER Yes sir? MR HENDY This conversation isn't very good. WAITER I'm sorry sir ... would you like to try something else? We do have today a conversation which is not on the menu ... it's a sort of speciality of the house you understand, and this involves two people talking to one another about themselves very sincerely. MR HENDY Yeah? WAITER I mean really talking ... revealing all their innermost feelings to each other, stripped bare of hypocrisy and evasion, lies and half-truths - MR HENDY I don't think we'd like that ... MRS HENDY No ... WAITER O.K. Well there's Show Business, Insurance, er ... Live Organ Transplants - MR HENDY Live organ transplants, what's that? 61 CUT TO CAPTION: MIDDLE AGE 61 PART II LIVE ORGAN TRANSPLANTS 62 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE COMPOSITE DAY STUDIO 62 CUT TO SUBURBAN PRESENT DAY HOUSE INTERIOR. (POSSIBLY ALL HAVE RASTA HAIRCUTS?) A door bell chimes "Ding-Dong". MR BLOKE (as he walks through neat little hallway with picture of Emperor Haile Selassie in bas-relief on the wall) I'll get it dear! He opens the door. TWO BIG ROUGH MEN stand outside ... 1ST MAN Hello, may we have your liver please ... BLOKE My what? 1ST MAN Your liver ... large glandular organ in your abdomen ... it's reddish- brown and it's sort of - BLOKE Yes, I know what it is, but I'm using it. 2ND MAN (looking in cupboard) Come on sir ... don't muck us about ... They move in. BLOKE Hey! They shut door behind him. 1ST MAN makes grab at his coat ... rather roughly pulls out a wallet, ruffles through it, casting aside papers etc., he doesn't want. 1ST MAN Ah ha ... what's this then ... ? BLOKE It's a liver donor's card. 1ST MAN Dead right ... Your hour has come sonny boy. BLOKE Look, I can't give you it now ... it says "In The Event of Death" ... 1ST MAN Listen, no-one who has their liver taken out by us survives ... 2ND MAN is ruffling around in a bag of clanking tools. 2ND MAN Just lie down. It won't take a minute. THE MAN is lain on the dining room table, and 2ND MAN scrabbles in the bag, producing a saw and some knives. At that moment, kitchen door open ... LADY 'Ere what's going on? 1ST MAN He's donating his liver, madam ... They start operating. Screams from the MAN ... BLOKE Aarrgh ... oh! aaargh ... ow! Ow! We don't see what's going on but 2ND MAN keeps delving in the stomach and pulling his bits out. LADY Is this because he took out one of those silly cards ... 1ST MAN That's right madam. BLOKE Ow! Oooh! Oohh! Oh ... oh ... God ... Aargh aargh ... LADY Typical of him. He goes down the public library - sees a few signs up ... comes home all full of good intentions. He gives blood ... he does cold research ... all that sort of thing. BLOKE Aaaagh ... oh ... aaarghh! LADY What d'you do with them all anyway? 2ND MAN They all go to saving lives madam. BLOKE Aaaaargh! Oh ... ow! Oh ... Oh my God! LADY That's what he used to say ... it's all for the good of the country. BLOKE Aaaargh! ... Ow! Ooh! LADY Do you think it's for the good of the country? 1ST MAN I don't know, madam .. we just do the job you know ... BLOKE Owwwwweeeeeeeeh! Ow! LADY ... You're not doctors then? 1ST MAN Oh! ... blimey no ... ! 2ND MAN grins and raises his eyes as he digs around in the (unseen) stomach. A head comes around the door ... It's a YOUNG MAN YOUNG MAN Mum, Dad ... I'm off out ... see you at seven ... LADY Righto son ... BLOKE Aaargh ... ow! Oh ... aaargh aargh! LADY D'you want some tea ... ? 1ST MAN That would be very nice yeah ... She takes him into kitchen ... shuts the door. She bustles about preparing the tea ... You know that ... he has to be dead ... by the terms of the card ... before we take the liver. LADY I told him that .. but he never listens ... silly man. 1ST MAN Well ... I wondered what you were thinking of doing after that ... I mean ... will you stay on your own or ... is there anyone else ... sort of ... on the horizon ... LADY Oh me ... no ... I'm too old now. I'm past my prime ... 1ST MAN Not at all ... you're a very attractive woman. LADY (laughs a little) ... Well ... I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again ... 1ST MAN Sure? LADY ... Sure. 1ST MAN (coming a little closer) Can we have your liver then? LAST SCREAM from outside. Shout from MAN 2. 2ND MAN (V.O.) He's donated it. LADY No ... I don't want to die. 1ST MAN Oh go on there's nothing to it. It's pefectly natural. LADY I'd be scared. 1ST MAN Oh listen to this. A MAN IN EVENING DRESS emerges from behind the fridge which he's been mending. MAN IN EVENING DRESS Whenever life gets you down And things seem hard or rough And people are daft or unpleasant or bad And you feel that you've had quite enough He starts to sing. LADY looks embarrassed at first, then she relaxes and begins to dream. Back of house falls down whilst we drift away into outer space. 63 EXT. OUTER SPACE STUDIO 63 MAN IN EVENING DRESS (Cont) Remember that you're standing on a planet That's revolving at 900 miles an hour That's orbiting at 19 miles a second Around a Sun that is the source of all our power. This sun and our earth with it, so it's reckoned, Are moving at a million miles a day In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour, Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way. This galaxy itself and our sun with it And every other star that we can see At half a million miles an hour is belting Round the centre of Milky Galaxy. And our Galaxy is only one of millions That's 100,000 light years side to side All expanding outwards from each other At several thousand miles a second so they never can collide. The Universe itself keeps on expanding In all of the directions it can whizz As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know At 12 million miles a minute, which is the fastest speed there is. So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure Your life itself is so unlikely on the planet of your birth And just pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space Because there's bugger all on here on earth. THE ETHEREAL AND MAGICAL SPACE ANIMATION ENDS SHARPLY. 64 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE COMPOSITE DAY STUDIO 64 CUT back to LADY and FIRST MAN in kitchen. MAN IN EVENING DRESS has just finished singing the song about the vastness of the Universe. LADY Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it? 1ST MAN Can we have your liver then? LADY Alright you talked me into it. 65 ANIMATION 65 CUT TO ANIMATED COMMERCIAL FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE UNDERARM ROLL-ON DEODORANTS AND OTHER TOILET REQUISITES. 66 INT. EXECUTIVE BOARDROOM 66 Maybe HALF A DOZEN high-ranking EXECUTIVES are sitting around a very impressive boardroom table, discussing the commercial they have just seen. NOTE: The dialogue will therefore be substantially differ- ent from what follows but for the moment we'll leave this dialogue as is. JACK When you consider the vastness of the Universe - in relation to our project, it does seem to me ... MAX May I interpose an interrogative at this moment in time? SUBTITLE: Can I ask something? BOSS I have no problems in that area. SUBTITLE: Yes. MAX Well my whole philosophy on this deal is that it is a whole other ball game to interface the vastness of the Universe with our product at this moment in time, at this moment in time. SUBTITLE: I think it's a mistake to compare our product with the vastness of the Universe just now, just now. MAX ... and that the whole thrust of our campaign, from where I see it, should be to promote the image ... SUBTITLE: and that we should lie ... that our product is, in matter of actual fact, vaster than the Universe. SUBTITLE: so that people think our product is bigger than the Universe. There is a PAUSE. The CAMERA PANS ROUND the rather dumb- founded faces of the EXECUTIVES. They glance uneasily from one to the other, muttering "Huh! Huh! Yes ... Huhuh!" and nodding vigorously. SUBTITLE: He's talking bullshit. BOSS Harry ... now do you see what Max has said, er .. from where you sit? SUBTITLE: Max is talking bullshit, isn't he, Harry? HARRY I er ... I er ... SUBTITLE: Oh God! I knew you'd ask me! I er ... I er ... I er ... SUBTITLE: Oh God! Please don't let me say anything wrong or foolish. BOSS (laughing) O.K. Harry, take it easy now ... SUBTITLE: Harry, you're fired! ROBERT Can I come in there for a moment? SUBTITLE: Since you've just fired Harry, how about giving me Harry's job? BOSS (slight hesitation) Sure ... if you really want to, Robert ... SUBTITLE: Get lost, Robert - it's going to my nephew. ROBERT Well I guess this is a whole new can of worms Max has opened up here, and in terms of on-going situations, I would point out that the Universe has vastly more exploitation potential than our product. So let's exploit it! SUBTITLE: You bastard. BOSS Right, I like your thinking there, Robert! SUBTITLE: I think it's incredible that me, an escaped Nazi war criminal could still be around in 1982 and heading a major American corporation! JACK Why stop at one universe, sir? SUBTITLE: Atlanta's burning! Don't you understand? MAX Yeah ... let's think big! What's one universe to a company like this? ... I mean we have forward planning potential here which could realise huge savings on a multi-universe deal ... SUBTITLE: What are you suddenly quoting Gone With The Wind for, Jack? Suddenly a drawer from a filing cabinet flies through the window, smashing the glass, and papers fly in all directions. ALL Jesus Christ! CHRIST comes out of a cupboard. JESUS CHRIST Yes? BOSS No no no! We're just exclaiming ... CHRIST looks blank. BOSS Using your name in vain. JESUS CHRIST Oh yes, of course, sorry. He withdraws. Another filing cabinet drawer smashes through the window. BOSS What the ... ? They ALL gather round the two objects. Suddenly HARRY taps the BOSS on the shoulder. HARRY (stumbling and stuttering) Er, Mr Chairman, sir ... I know this sounds kinda silly but ... er ... well ... was that building there as of 6 minutes ago? SUBTITLE: Oh Rhett! Darling Rhett! I've been so horrid to you! HARRY nods to a window and we see a building right up against it. MAX Er ... look! He points to the window on the other side. They ALL turn to see another building approaching or sliding into position outside. ALL Gulp! Suddenly there is more smashing of glass behind them, and half a dozen ELDERLY BUSINESSMEN swing through the windows with swords in their teeth. Much breaking of glass, etc. BOSS Oh my God! 67 CUT TO ANIMATION GOD LOOKS OUT OF CLOUD 67 BIG BOOMING VOICE FROM SKY Yes? 68 INT. EXECUTIVE BOARDROOM DAY STUDIO 68 CUT BACK TO BOARDROOM. BOSS It's the Crimson Pearl Assurance! 69 CUT TO TITLES: 69 THE CRIMSON PEARL ASSURANCE! A TALE OF PIRACY ON THE HIGH SEAS OF FINANCE The following sequence is MIXED ANIMATED MODELS AND LIVE ACTION (Terry G to supply). 70 ACCOUNTANTCY 70 ACCOUNTANCY SHANTY I chartered an accountant at the age of twenty one Oh scribble away and balance the books and sing an accountancy shanty We'll cover you against fire and flood Whey ho accountancy But not riot war nor act of God Whey ho accountancy Over a period of thirty years Whey ho accountancy Unless of course you're in arrears Whey ho and up your premium. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [There then follows eleven pages of Gilliam penned storyboards for The Crimson Pearl Assurance.] THE CRIMSON PEARL ASSURANCE Title superimposed over billowing sails. A TALE OF PIRACY ON THE HIGH SEAS OF FINANCE!! Pull out ACME CLEANING Continue pulling out revaling sails to be stone-cleaners tarpolins [sic] hung on scaffolding. IN THE BLEAK DAYS OF 1981, AS ENGLAND LANGUISHED IN THE DOLDRUMS OF A RUINOUS MONETARIST POLICY - THE GOOD & LOYAL MEN OF THE PEARL ASSURANCE COMPANY - A ONCE PROUD FAMILY FIRM RECENTLY FALLEN ON HARD TIMES - STRAINED UNDER THE YOKE OF THEIR OPPRESSIVE NEW MANAGMENT ... (OWNERS) Stirring music over this roller. PAN-GLOBAL HOLDINGS UN-L72 TIME-MOTION STUDY Rhythmic rocking back and forth by the clerks as they bend to their aged adding machines - the time-motion men stroll up & down. Time-motion paces forward revealing slaving hot disgrunted clerk His POV of backs rocking back & forth in rhythmn [sic] - zoom into manager at their tape machine Lock off camera so the manager suddenly changes into galley captain - the tickertape cracks like a whip The clerks are now galley slaves straining to their oars which extend out the windows. Office now dressed like galley. As slave master passes - transformed back to reality Surreptitious glances of agreed disgruntlement O/S voice "That's it Evans! ..... "You're fired, NOW!!" "But .." .. "Let's go!" And now!! A series of shots of grabbing the managers etc. as the clerks MUTINY!! Manager tied up with tickertape Sealing managers into the vault camera around & pull out & back Forcing managers to walk the desk Diving out of window to escape "Into the rigging lads" Window thrown open - clerks climb out Stone cleaners at work suprised to see clerks on scaffolding Tarpolin ties are cut Tarpolins billow Weigh the anchor!! Weigh the anchor!! Weigh the anchor Weigh the anchor!!! Chain tautens Paving stone groans And then ..... RIP!! Sails (tarpolins) fill with wind Building starts to move as bridges & masonry fall The building glides thru shot Building sails away V/O And so the Crimson Pearl Assurance was launched upon the seas of international high finance O/S voice: Captain - look!! ..... To starboard!! V/O "There it was: The rich prize they sought"- V/O - "A financial district crammed with fat bloated multinationals, smug self-satified conglomerates and merchant banks - their coffers swollen with the wealth of the indies and old age pensioners' life savings" And now ... to get this storyboard into the script we shall stop fucking about & throw these sketches together as fact as possible - so much for art "Battle stations" Sliding down scaffolding Files pushed into position - lined up to the windows spins wheel Building wheels to starboard bringing massed file cabinets at each window broadside to camera "FIRE!!" Files are pushed back into position as others fire & recoil from the windows "Right lads - now let's show them some really smart business practices!!" Throwing grappling hooks Grappling hooks fly across gap and catch on building They swing out Crash! We're now back in the previous sketch as the Crimson Pearl Assurance pirates crash thru windows "The Crimson Pearl Assurance" One of the execs grabs sword from company crest Hand to hand combat as swords clash THE BATTLE RAGES WITH DETAILS TO FOLLOW More files fired Papers swirling as fighting rages Light is fading |NIGHT BATTLE| V/O "And so the battle raged then the night until ..." Light flickering on Captain as explosions continue V/O "As the dawn broke - the once proud financial giants lay in ruins - their assets stripped - their policies in tatters" (The Accountancy Chanty [sic] is heard) "I chartered an accountant at the age of .. ... "Whey ho accountancy Unless of course you're in arrears Whey ho & ... .. & up your premium" V/O And so... they sailed off into the ledgers of history - one by one the financial capitals crumbling under the might of their business acumen - or so it would have been .. if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world had not proved to be ... ... disastrously wrong. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 71 ANIMATION 71 END OF THE CRIMSON PEARL ASSURANCE SEQUENCE. LONG SHOT of buildings sailing off towards the horizon. They sail towards huge stone letters outlined against the sky which read: THE MEANING OF LIFE The ships drop over the edge of the world. The letters rise up in space. Once against the black of space they glow. Then a hatch opens and a LITTLE SPACE SHIP comes out and sign-writes in a vapor trail: Part V: Then a SPACEMAN climbs out and nails up a hanging sign which reads: The Autumn Years 72 EXT. ELEGANT STREET DAY LOCATION 72 CUT TO an ELEGANT STREET, most of which is taken up with MR CREOSOTE (an enormously fat man - no, I mean much fatter than you were thinking just then ... I mean he is so fat that a certain amount of his stomach is propped on a small cart and wheeled around in front of him. His buttocks drag along the floor behind him). He enters a RESTAURANT. 73 INT. FISH TANK DAY STUDIO 73 CUT BACK to the FISH looking expectantly outwards. PYTHON FISH I Oh shit! It's Mr Creosote. They all disappear with five flicks of the tail. 74 INT. ELEGANT RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 74 PULL BACK from their tank into restaurant ... Enter MR CREOSOTE. He is greeted by the smiling MAITRE D. It is a very well-heeled restaurant. A MAN tinkles away on a piano. He wears evening dress. MAITRE D Ah good morning, sir, and how are we today? MR CREOSOTE Better ... MAITRE D Better? MR CREOSOTE Better get a bucket I'm going to throw up. MAITRE D Gascon! The bucket for monsieur! They seat him at his usual table. A gleaming silver bucket is placed beside him and he leans over and throws up into it. NOEL COWARD SONG Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick From the tiniest little tadger To the world's biggest prick Never mind about the size of it Just make it hard and quick. So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend Your percy or your cock You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock But don't take it out in public Or they will stick you in the dock And you wont come back. MAITRE D. claps his hands and the bucket is whisked away. MR CREOSOTE I haven't finished! GASCON Oh! Pardon! Monsieur ... A thousand pardons. (puts bucket back) MAITRE D. produces the menu as MR CREOSOTE continues spewing. MAITRE D We have monsieur's favourite on the menu this afternoon - jugged hare. It is very high, and the sauce is very rich with truffles, brandy and cream. MR CREOSOTE pauses. MAITRE D claps his hands and signs to GASCON, who whisks away the bucket. MR CREOSOTE There's still more. GASCON rapidly replaces the bucket. MAITRE D Allow me! A new bucket for monsieur, Gascon. MAITRE D picks the bucket up and hands it over to GASCON. CREOSOTE leans over and throws up onto the floor. MAITRE D And the cleaning woman. GASCON hurries off. MAITRE D takes care to avoid the vomit and places the menu in front of CREOSOTE. And now would monsieur care for an aperitif? CREOSOTE vomits over the menu. It is covered. Or would you prefer to order straight away, for the Appitizers we have ... er ... excuse me ... MAITRE D leans over and wipes away the sick with his hand so that the words of the menu are readable. ... moules marinieres, pate de foie gras, eggs Benedictine, tarte de poireaux - leek tart ... or simply some vegetable soup? MR CREOSOTE I'll have everything. MAITRE D A wise choice, monsieur! How would you like it? Mixed up in a bucket? MR CREOSOTE Yes. With the eggs on top. MAITRE D But of course monsieur! MR CREOSOTE And don't skimp on the pate. MAITRE D Oh I can assure you, monsieur, just because it is mixed up with the other things we would not dream of giving you less than the full amount. In fact I will personally make sure it is a double helping. And to drink? MR CREOSOTE Three bottle of red wine. MAITRE D Very good, and the usual beers? MR CREOSOTE I think I could only manage six today. MAITRE D Tut tut tut! I hope you have not been overdoing it last night monsieur? MR CREOSOTE Shut up! MAITRE D Ah the new bucket and the cleaning woman. GASCON arrives. CLEANING WOMAN gets down on hands and knees. CREOSOTE vomits over her. CUT TO GUESTS at another table getting up to go. MAITRE D approaches. MAITRE D Is there something wrong with the food, monsieur? MAITRE D indicates the table of half-eaten main courses. The GUESTS shrink from his vomit-covered hand. MAITRE D realises and shakes a little off. It hits another GUEST who wipes his eye. GUEST Oh no! It's ... excellent food ... MAITRE D Are you not happy with the service? GUEST Er no ... no ... no complaints. GUEST'S WIFE It's just we have to go - um - I'm ... I'm having rather a heavy period. A slight embarassed silence while the REST of the PARTY look at her. GUEST And ... er ... we ... have a train to catch. GUEST'S WIFE (as if covering her previous gaffe) Oh! Yes! Yes ... of course! We have a train to catch ... and I don't want to start bleeding over the seats. An awkward pause. MAITRE D gropes for words. GUEST I think we should be off ... They start to go. MAITRE D follows. MAITRE D Very good, monsieur - I hope you will visit us again ... He pauses - realises he has trodden in CREOSOTE's bucket. ... I'm sorry ... I've trodden in monsieur's bucket. They have gone. MAITRE D claps. MAITRE D Another bucket for Monsieur ... CREOSOTE is sick down MAITRE D's trousers. And perhaps a hose ... Someone at another table gently throws up. COMPANION Max, really! Then they look up, soneone [sic] else has really thrown up all over the place. MR CREOSOTE has gobbled the lot. MAITRE D offers MR CREOSOTE a wafer thin mint. MAITRE D And finally - a wafer thin mint, sir? MR CREOSOTE No. MAITRE D Oh sir! Just one tiny little thin one. MR CREOSOTE Fuck off - I'm full ... (belches) MAITRE D Sir ... it's only wafer thin. MR CREOSOTE Look -I can't eat any more. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off. MAITRE D Oh sir ... just one ... MR CREOSOTE Oh alright. Just one. MAITRE D Just the one, sir ... MR CREOSOTE somehow manages to stuff it into his mouth and then swallows. There is an ominous splitting sound. MR CREOSOTE looks rather helpless and then he explodes, covering WAITERS, DINERS and TECHNICIANS in a truly horrendous mix of half digested food, entrails and parts of his body. 75 CAPTION 75 THE MEANING OF LIFE Part VI: Death 76 INT. ELEGANT RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 76 CUT BACK to the restaurant. The debris of MR CREOSOTE is still scattered over the room, and DINERS. PEOPLE are clearing themselves up as best they can. The TWO MEN from Liver Donor appear and spot CREOSOTE's liver. MAN We'll have that! They disappear. THE CAMERA TRACKS IN on the MAITRE D who is standing by the EX-MR CREOSOTE's table. The CLEANING WOMAN is still on her knees on the floor and the MAITRE D is still cleaning himself off as best he can. The MAITRE D talks to the CLEANING WOMAN. MAITRE D You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder whether we'll ever discover the meaning of it all working in a place like this. MARIA looks around at the restaurant and shrugs. MARIA I've worked in worse places ... philosophy speaking. MAITRE D Really , Maria? MARIA Oh yes ... I once worked in the Acadamie Francaise But it never did me any good at all ... And I once worked in the library of the Prado in Madrid, But it didn't teach me nothing, I recall ... At this point she starts to get rather carried away and rises to her feet and relapses into rhetorical verse. I once worked in the Hermitage in good old Leningrad, But any glimpse of intuition there I never had. In the Deutsche Bucherei I've spent many busy days, But my memories of what I learnt there now are just a haze. And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key ... But it didn't. And neither did the Bodleian Library. In the old British Museum I tried to find some clue, I worked there from 9 till 6 - read every volume through. But I never found out nothing about Life's mystery ... I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. Until eventually my eyes went and me arthritis got bad, And so I'm cleaning up in here - but I can't be really sad, Cause you see I feel that Life's a game You sometimes win or lose, And though I may be down right now At least I don't work for Jews ... The MAITRE D pours the bucket over her head and turns to CAMERA looking most upset. MAITRE D Oh! I'm so sorry ... I did not know there was a racist among us ... I do apologise ... most sincerely ... Oh ... tut tut ... CAMERA PANS off the MAITRE D. and alights on GASCON, who is standing there with a full bucket. He shrugs and looks at the CAMERA. GASCON As for me ... if you want to know what I think ... (shrugs and regards CAMERA for a few moments) I'll show you something. 77 EXT. ELEGANT STREET DAY LOCATION 77 He nods to the CAMERA and walks out of the restaurant and the CAMERA follows him ... 78 EXT. TOWN STREET DAY LOCATION 78 He walks through the town (his trouser leg and shoe is still covered with sick). 79 EXT. SUBURBAN STREETS DAY LOCATION 79 He walks through the suburbs. 80 EXT. COUNTRY ROADS DAY LOCATION 80 He walks through the country. The countryside gets more and more idyllic. 81 EXT. THATCHED COTTAGE DAY LOCATION 81 Eventually GASCON comes over a hill and nods down to a LITTLE THATCHED COTTAGE. Smoke rises up from the chimney. GASCON You see that? That's where I was born. One day, when I was little, my mother took me on her knee and said: "The world is a beautiful place, Gascon, my son. You must go into it, and love everyone, and not hate people. Try to make everyone happy, and bring peace and contentment wherever you go". So ... I became a waiter ... There is a rather long PAUSE, while he looks a bit self- deprecating and nods shyly at the CAMERA. Well ... it's not much of a philosophy, I know ... but ... well ... fuck you ... I can live my own life the way I want can't I? CUT TO 82 EXT. DARK STREETS LOCATION 82 CLOSE UP terrified face of MAN running down darkened street. Footsteps running behind can be heard. WIDER SHOT - MAN rushes along the street and disappears round a corner ... CLOSER SHOT - MAN runs terrified towards CAMERA. V.O. This man is about to die. In a few moments now he will be killed. DIFFERENT ANGLE - he is racing, flat out down a dusky street. V.O. For Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal who has been allowed to chose the manner of his own execution. DIFFERENT ANGLE - round the corner after ARTHUR JARRETT come a crowd of NUDE LADIES in pursuit. They wear little cheer- leader boots and little else. Knee and elbow pads and helmets. TWO MORE SHOTS of the chase, plus CLOSER SHOT of GIRLS run- ning towards CAMERA. They chase him viciously. 83 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 83 WIDISH SHOT - a GROUP OF PEOPLE standing round a grave. A PRISON GOVENOR, A PADRE, PRISON OFFICERS, some CIVILIANS, A DOCTOR and some JAPANESE TOURISTS. 84 EXT. STREETS LOCATION 84 MORE SHOTS of the chase. The WOMAN are closing. ARTHUR JARRETT is gasping - the GIRLS are inexorable - in superb 'nick' obviously. 85 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 85 Back to grave. The GOVERNOR is reading. GOVERNOR Arthur Jarrett, you have been convicted by 12 good persons and true, of the crime of first degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes in a moving picture. 86 EXT. CLIFF LOCATION 86 THREE MORE SHOTS of the chase. They are within five yards of him. Suddenly we see they are approaching a cliff's edge. ARTHUR JARRETT runs over it, the GIRLS expertly pulling up in time. 87 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 87 Graveside. The CROWD look up. ARTHUR JARRETT soars down into the grave. PADRE starts the final prayer as he throws a handful of sand on to the grave. The heads go down. 88 EXT. CLIFF LOCATION 88 Back on the cliff. The GIRLS are being given macs from a police van. 89 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 89 Graveside. ARTHUR JARRETT's tombstone reads: ARTHUR JARRETT SEXIST PIG EXECUTED JUNE 20TH 1982 The sea suddenly washes over this and leads us into the 90 LEAVES ANIMATION 90 CUT TO 91 EXT. COUNTRYSIDE DUSK 91 A Seventh Seal chunk of countryside. Bare windswept trees starkly silhouetted against the ... oh you know. Lots of good sound effects too, howling wind, howling dogs, howling sabre-toothed fieldmice. Suddenly we see the GRIM REAPER. He is hooded, is a black cloak with a sackcloth jockstrap, and bearing ... a scythe. We follow his progress. After a few moments, during which he passes various Bosch- Gilliam sights, he approches a house which we must be able to take for medieval. He comes to the door, pauses and knocks. Another pause. He starts to knock again and the door opens. 92 EXT. COTTAGE DUSK LOCATION 92 We see a fleshy pallid CITY-GENT TYPE in a suit. From inside the house come the sounds of a dinner party. The CITY-GENT stands in the doorway. His name is GEOFFREY. GEOFFREY Yes? Pause. The REAPER breathes death-rattlingly. Is it about the hedge? More breathing. Look, I'm awfully sorry but ... GRIM REAPER I am the Grim Reaper. GEOFFREY Who? GRIM REAPER The Grim Reaper. GEOFFREY Yes I see ... GRIM REAPER I am Death. GEOFFREY Yes well, the thing is, we've got a rather important dinner party on tonight, people from America - GEOFFREY'S WIFE, ANGELA, is coming to see who is at the door. She calls: ANGELA Who is it darling? GEOFFREY It's a Mr Death or something about the reaping ... (to Reaper) Look I don't think we need any at the moment. ANGELA (appearing) Hallo. Don't keep him on the doorstep Geoffrey, ask him in. GEOFFREY Darling I don't think it's quite the moment ... ANGELA Do come in please, come and have a drink, do. 93 INT. COTTAGE DUSK 93 She turns and waks back into the dining area. GEOFFREY and GRIM REAPER follow. ANGELA (to guests) It's one of the little men from the village ... come on in, this is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia ... KATZENBERG Hi. ANGELA And his wife Debbie. DEBBIE Hallo there. ANGELA And these are the Portland Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona. This is Mr Death. JEREMY How do you do? FIONA Good evening. There is a slightly awkward pause. ANGELA Well get Mr Death a drink darling. The GRIM REAPER looks a little startled as the HUSBAND moves to do so. Mr Death is a reaper. GRIM REAPER The Grim Reaper. ANGELA Not suprising in this cold, ha. KATZENBERG You still reap around here do you, Mr Death? GRIM REAPER I am the Grim Reaper. GEOFFREY (sotto voice) That's about all he says ... (loudly) There's your drink Mr Death. ? We were just talking about this awful business in Guatemala ... ANGELA Do sit down. JEREMY Stilton? It's awfully good. The GRIM REAPER knocks the glass off the table. Startled silence. ANGELA Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we haven't any beer. GRIM REAPER I am not of this world. He walks into the middle of the table. Cries of surprise. Some of them leap to their feet. GEOFFREY Good Lord! KATZENBERG Jesus Christ! Pause. The penny is beginning to drop. GRIM REAPER I am Death. DEBBIE Isn't that extraordinary? I mean we were just talking about death only five minutes ago. ? Yes we were. You know, whether death is really ... the end ... DEBBIE As my husband believes for example ... or whether there is ... well one hates to use words like soul or spirit, they're so hackneyed. JEREMY Yes but what other words can ... GEOFFREY Exactly ... GRIM REAPER You do not understand. DEBBIE ... Of course not, obviously ... FIONA But we're absolutely fascinated ... JEREMY Hear hear. KATZENBERG Let me tell you something, Mr Death ... GRIM REAPER You do not understand!!! KATZENBERG Just one moment. I want to express on behalf of everyone here, what a unique opportunity this is ... JEREMY Hear hear. KATZENBERG And I mean this most sincerely ... ANGELA We're so delighted you dropped in, do please ... KATZENBERG Can I finish one moment ... DEBBIE Mr Death is there an afterlife!? KATZENBERG Dear if you could just wait ... ANGELA Are you sure you wouldn't ... KATZENBERG Angela, allow me just to say this ... GRIM REAPER Be quiet! Pause. I have something to tell you all. KATZENBERG Can I just say this at this time ... GRIM REAPER Shut up!!! I have come for you. Pause as this sinks in. Sidelong glances. A stifled fart. ANGELA ... You mean ... to ... GRIM REAPER To take you away. That is my purpose. I am Death. GEOFFREY Well that's cast rather a gloom over the evening hasn't it? KATZENBERG Now let's just talk about this a moment. Let me just say this, to you, most sincerely at this time - GRIM REAPER Shut up! Shut up you American. You always talk, you Americans, you do nothing but talk and talk and say 'Let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well you're dead now, so shut up. KATZENBERG Dead? GRIM REAPER Shut up!!! ... All of you, dead! ALL All of us??? GEOFFREY ... Look ... how can all of us have died at the same time? GRIM REAPER (pointing) The salmon mousse! They all goggle. GEOFFREY (to Angela) Darling you didn't use tinned salmon ... ANGELA (unbelievably embarrassed) Oh I'm dreadfully embarrassed ... GRIM REAPER So now you must all follow me ... They start to rise from the table. ANGELA The fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon, but ... GEOFFREY Now just look here. I mean you just barge in here, quite uninvited, you knock over glasses and then you announce quite casually that we're all dead. Well I would remind you that you that you are a guest in this house and ... Suddenly GEOFFREY can't speak any more, he holds his throat as the GRIM REAPER points at him. GRIM REAPER Silence! You English, you're all so fucking pompous. GEOFFREY is released from the spell. He suddenly runs for- ward with a revolver. He looses six shots at the GRIM REAPER from about three feet. They pass through him. Pause. EVERYONE is rather embarrassed. GEOFFREY Sorry. Just ... checking ... sorry ... GRIM REAPER Come!! JEREMY Can we bring our glasses? He turns and goes towards the front door. The GUESTS follow, some of them grabbing a last slice of cheese or filling up their glasses. 94 EXT. COTTAGE DUSK LOCATION 94 From the exterior they appear fllowing the GRIM REAPER. We hear their voices faintly above the howling of the grass. JERMY Shall we take our cars? GEOFFREY Why not? KATZENBERG I have to say that's a pretty damn good idea in my book. I remember when I was in Paris one time ... CUT TO the GRIM REAPER dancing along the skyline followed by Volvos, Porches and Jensens. DEATH suddenly stops. There is a very very mild multiple pile-up. We hear murmured apologies and they get out and examine the dents. Suddenly we see DEATH ascending into the sky. The OTHERS get back into their cars and start to follow after him. Up to the sky. The cars follow DEATH up and up and eventually disappear into the clouds. There is more bumping, hooting and apologies. Eventually the cars appear - rather battered - and drive down the Heavenly Freeway. It finishes in mid-air and ahead is a glowing brightness. The cars drive towards the dazzling brightness and eventu- ally all is lost in brightness. 95 INT. HOTEL LOBBY STUDIO 95 CUT TO BIG C.U. OF RECEPTIONIST. RECEPTIONIST Hello. Welcome to Heaven. Could you just sign here please sir? She gives the HOST a form. We see we are in the American Hotel. HOST (jovially to friend) Didn't think you'd get here, Reggie! RECEPTIONIST (overhearing) Oh, excuse me, sir ... everybody gets into heaven ... It's Hell that's difficult to get to ... Boy do they have a wild time there! Forms are filled in. Thank you sir. Your table's over there. Happy Christmas! HOST Is it Christmas too? RECEPTION Of course sir, it's Christmas every day, in heaven. 96 INT. RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 96 They start for their table in the RESTAURANT (not the Hawaiian dungeon restaurant but another) and as they do so the floor show starts. It is going to turn into a big production number with a TONY BENNETT CHARACTER singing and more and more BARELY CLAD SHOW GIRLS (a la Crazy Horse, Paris) dancing in the chorus line. Eventually sleigh bells sound and snow starts to fall. During the number we CUT AWAT TO SOME OF THE TABLES and watch the FAMILY listening happily. We also see the HENDYS. We also see all the CHEEKY COCKNEYS from the Zulu raid, terribly mutilated, a HEAD on a table, but all looking terribly happy. Also the LIVER DONOR GENT, with his inside on the table. In another corner are a NAKED MAN stuck around with arrows, a YOUNG LADY on a catherine wheel and a CHAP WITH A LION. These are the Christian martyrs. SONG: CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN (to be sung by ANDY WILLIAMS/ FRANK SINATRA/TONY BENNETT, with the KING'S COLLEGE CHOIR and the CRAZY HORSE SHOWGIRLS): It's Christmas in Heaven! All the children sing! (Fish!) It's Christmas in Heaven ... Hark! Those church bells ring! It's Christmas in Heaven, The snow falls from the sky ... (Fish!) But it's nice and warm and everyone Looks smart and wears a tie. The snow starts to fall. The bells ring as we go into a light entertainment close-up on the singer. It's Christmas in Heaven There's great films on TV ... (Fish!) The Sound of Music twice an hour And Jaws I, II and III! Celebrity Squares has Brando on, The game shows offer more! (Fish!) And all the clips on Disney Time Have never been seen before! It's Christmas in Heaven! You can drink all day ... (Fish!) And if it's your time of the month, Girls! It'll go away! (Fish!) You don't spend a penny Cause this is heaven here! (FISH!) (Though you can still get huge discounts Off all spirits wines and beer!) There's fish for all the family: Toiletries and trains (FISH!) Sony Walkman Fishphone sets And the latest video games (ABOUT FISH!) It's Fishmas in Heaven! You are home with God, (FISH!!) And lots of dace and carp and bream And halibut and cod! (FISHY FISHY I O) So all good things to everyone That's all we have to say (sh!) Cause there are fish in Heaven And ... it's Christmas ... every ... day! Bells ring. Snow falls. FATHER CHRISTMAS gives out lot of presents and handles some of the DANCERS' bosoms. The FINALE plays and there is a grand walk down as everyone applauds. First of all the