THE MONTY PYTHON MONTREUX SPECIAL From SOME OF THE CORPSES ARE AMUSING http://web.ukonline.co.uk/sotcaa/python.html A special compilation episode of Flying Circus was entered for the Golden Rose of Montreux 1971. This featured material from Series 1 and 2, along with specially-shot links and re-recorded versions of some sketches. It isn't known exactly when the filming session for this took place but it was broadcast on BBC 1 on 16/04/71 (Fri 8:30pm). It was last repeated during A Night Of Comic Relief Night 1989 (10/03/89) at a million o'clock in the morning. A full transcript with notes and queries can be found here . Despite claims that there was originally a longer version, the show (at least in terms of the BBC broadcast) was always 30 mins in duration. Interestingly, it was followed on BBC2 by a documentary about Albrecht Durer... (The Montreux Special has never been released on video.) This is a complete transcript of the Montreux Special showing where everything was culled from and highlighting the exclusive material. The compilation was broadcast on BBC 1 on 16th April 1971. To read some contemporaneous reactions to the show, check out the 1971 press page. The camera descriptions below are as per the official scriptbooks (which in turn were pretty much as per the original shooting scripts), excepting the exclusive material where we've had a bash ourselves. From Series 1, Show 9 (14/12/69) A chicken shed. The announcer speaks from a window. ANNOUNCER (CLEESE) And now for something completely different. From Series 2, Show 10 (01/12/70) Cut instantly to sky. CAPTION: 'SCOTT OF THE SAHARA' VOICEOVER (GILLIAM) Booming out of the pages of history comes a story of three men and one woman whose courage shocked a generation. [Originally the voiceover was by Michael Palin. Here it's been re-dubbed by Terry Gilliam (who doesn't perform it nearly as well). It's likely that this was done because the original had Palin a bit too low in the mix, buried amidst the dramatic soundtrack and audience hysteria.] Blinding sun. Pan down to Paignton beach. Scott, Evans, Oates and Bowers wearing furs crossing sand on snow shoes. With sledge pulled by motley selection of mongrel dogs, badly disguised as huskies. VOICEOVER From the same team that brought you ... (the names come out superimposed) 'Lawrence of Glamorgan' ... 'Bridge Over the River Trent' ... 'The Mad Woman of Biggleswade' ... and 'Krakatoa, East of Leamington' ... comes the story of three people and a woman... [The line "united by fate" doesn't feature here.] ...who set out in search of the fabled Pole of the Sahara and found ... themselves. [Voiceover returns to Palin's original for the next section. ] VOICEOVER (PALIN) See ... Lieutenant Scott's death struggle with a crazed desert lion. The four are walking along. Suddenly they stop, stare, and react in horror. Scott steps to the front to defend the others. Intercut, non-matching stock shot of lion running out of jungle and leaping at camera. Scott waits poised and is then struck by completely rigid stuffed lion. Montage of shots of him wrestling, firstly with the stuffed lion, then with an actor in a tatty lion suit. The lion picks up a chair, fends Scott off, smashes it over his head. Finally Scott kicks the lion on the shin. The lion leaps around on one leg and picks up a knife. Scott points, the lion looks, Scott kicks the knife out of the lion's paw. He advances on the lion, and socks him on the jaw. The lion collapses in slow motion. After a pause, phoney blood spurts out. [The entire "death struggle with the spine-chilling giant electric penguin" section of the sketch has been snipped out. The voiceover now goes back to Gilliam again. Again, this was probably due to the original lines being somewhat indecipherable under Carol Cleveland's squeals, the writing desk's growls and the audience's apreciation. It's possible that Palin was otherwise indisposed during the post-production of the Montreux show and Gilliam stepped in.] VOICEOVER (GILLIAM) ... See Miss Evans pursued by the man-eating roll-top writing desk. Miss Evans is running along screaming. Shot of desk chasing her (phoney desk with man inside). The roll top goes up and down, emitting roars, and displaying fearsome white teeth inside. As Evans runs, her clothing gets torn on each of the three cactuses. These are well spaced apart so that there is a lot of trouble to get near them. When she is practically nude, she runs out of shot revealing the announcer. ANNOUNCER And now for something completely different. IT'S MAN It's... Animated titles [Series 2 titles.] Cut to... Newly shot section CAPTION: THE END ANNOUNCER (PALIN) Well that's the end of Monty Python's Flying Circus for this week. (Cut to BBC world symbol.) And now on BBC it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. Later on this evening it'll be nine-thirty, and don't forget to tune in tomorrow night when it'll be seven o'clock. For those of you who missed eight-forty-five on Friday, you'll be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Meanwhile, here is a time-check. It's green and wobbly and time for Face The Press. [A different, and longer, version of this script originally appeared in Series 2, Show 6 (03/11/70)] From Series 2, Show 1 (15/09/70) Cut to studio: interviewer in chair. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'FACE THE PRESS' [This version has a brief snatch of exciting music as an intro] INTERVIEWER (IDLE) Hello. Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs (cut to minister completely in drag and a moustache) who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamante collar necklace. (soft fashion-parade music starts to play in background) The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street. The hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids. And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid ... (cut to patch of liquid on seat of chair) which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing. (cut back to interviewer) Good evening. Minister, may I put the first question to you? In your plan, 'A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that you would build 88,000 million, billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result? MINISTER No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in two ways. Firstly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine... You see housing is a problem really... Cut back to the interviewer. The minister is heard droning on in the background. The soft fashion-parade music starts again. INTERVIEWER Well, while the minister is answering this question I'd just like to point out the minister's dress has been made entirely by hand from over three hundred pieces of Arabian shot silk (at this point we can hear the minister's high-pitched whine beneath the fashion music) especially created for the minister by Vargar's of Paris. The low slim-line has been cut off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect of the minister's fine bone structure. Well I think the minister is coming to the end of his answer now so let's go back over and join the discussion. Thank you very much minister. Today saw the appointment of a new head of... MINISTER (CHAPMAN) Don't I say any more? INTERVIEWER No fear! Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command - Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forster. He's in our Birmingham studio... Cut to close-up on what appears to be a monitor with Sir Vincent on it in outrageous drag, heavy lipstick, big bust etc. - Draped on a chaise-longue. A small black boy is fanning him. SIR VINCENT (CLEESE) Hello Sailors! Listen, guess what. The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola. As he talks we zoom out quickly from the set to reveal it is not a monitor in the studio but a TV set in a G-plan type sitting room. A housewife (Mrs Pinnet) sits watching, wearing an apron and a scarf and with her hair in curlers. The doorbell sounds. She switches the TV off and answers the door which opens straight into the living room. There in the street stands a truly, amazing figure of fun. A man in a bowler hat with an axe sticking out of it, big red joke nose, illuminated bow tie that revolves, joke broad shoulders, clown's check jacket, long johns with sock suspenders, heavy army boots and leading a goat with a hat. Close-up. MAN (GILLIAM) Hello. Mrs Rogers? MRS PINNET (JONES) No. Ooh I must be in the wrong house. She shuts the door on him and we follow her as she crosses the room. She climbs out of the window... Newly shot section ...Back yard of terraced house. She scrambles over a quite high dividing wall into next door and starts to scramble into next-door window. [The pre-filmed section of the original sketch is here replaced by a completely re-shot version. The backyard location looks similar yet noticeably different. The section is also filmed at double-speed.] Interior of a more cluttered working-dass sitting-room. There is a TV in there with Sir Vincent still camping it up. [The rest of the sketch is a re-recorded version, and a very slim script-edit of the original from Series 2, Show 1 (15/09/70). Rather amusingly this means that John Cleese had to get into drag again for the tiny reprise of Sir Vincent!] SIR VINCENT ...and David Hockney has agreed finally to design the bombs. He's going to come up with something really exciting for us. And, best news of all... The doorbell rings. MRS PINNET Ooh, that must be the man about the gas cooker. She switches the TV off. Immediate thunderous epic music. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: (in stone lettering, as for Ben Hur) 'THE GAS COOKER SKETCH' Both caption and music switch off suddenly as she opens the door. Two gas men step inside. FIRST GAS MAN (PALIN) Morning, Madam. We're from the gas board. MRS PINNET Ooh, at last. My cooker's not working. FIRST GAS MAN (cautiously) Oh yeah? MRS PINNET Well, can you come and mend it? The gas men exchange looks SECOND GAS MAN (CHAPMAN) What is it, a gas cooker? MRS PINNET Ooh, yes. FIRST GAS MAN Oh, no. Can't touch that. SECOND GAS MAN No, no - we're from the gas board. THIRD GAS MAN (IDLE) (suddenly revealed behind the two of them) You want maintenance MRS PINNET Oh, will they come and fix it? FIRST GAS MAN No no, they don't come out. MRS PINNET Ooh, can you fix it? THIRD GAS MAN No, we can't go around doing maintenance FIRST GAS MAN We haven't got the staff. FOURTH GAS MAN (walking in) Not unless it's a special. MRS PINNET What's a 'special'? SECOND GAS MAN It's a 2-7-6 or a 3-9-B. MRS PINNET Well, can't you phone somebody? SECOND GAS MAN Not on a Friday. A fifth gas man walks in MRS PINNET Well what can you do? FIRST GAS MAN We could try head office. FIFTH GAS MAN (??????) No, that's emergency only. FIRST GAS MAN Yeah, yeah... MRS PINNET (getting agitated) Look, look - I waited three months for you to come round! I haven't been able to cook a meal since Christmas! This is an emergency!! FIRST GAS MAN No it's not. SECOND GAS MAN Nope, nope, an emergency is continued upon there being immediate danger to life. MRS PINNET Oh dear. FIRST GAS MAN Mind you, we can, er, endanger your life for you. MRS PINNET Can you? FIRST GAS MAN Yeah. THIRD GAS MAN Just lie down on the floor. SECOND GAS MAN Yeah. MRS PINNET Ooh, that's marvellous. SECOND GAS MAN Right. Harry, get the pipes! SIXTH GAS MAN (ACTOR UNKNOWN) (entering) Right-o, mate. FIRST GAS MAN We'll soon have you asphyxiated, love. MRS PINNET Ooh, really? She lies down. The gas men crowd around her. The sixth gas man leads a rubber pipe to her mouth) SECOND GAS MAN (Calling outside) Send out for form P-3BE! MRS PINNET Ooh, that's lovely, thank you. FIRST GAS MAN Oh, don't mention it, love - all part of the service. Get us a P-B-E, Charlie? SEVENTH GAS MAN Oh, righto. Get a PBE, Frank? Cut to exterior. The camera pans along line of gas men all turning to each other and muttering incomprehensible technicalities, the line stretches across the road. [The film used here is as per the original show but is rather abrupt, cutting straight to the long line of gas men rather than the pull-back-and-reveal. The film is slightly discoloured suggesting a second generation print. The scene still cuts to animation but not the one we're familiar with...] Newly Shot Section Animation The line of gas men lead straight into the armpit of a photo of a 20s style topless lady holding a face mirror. She swats the men away with the mirror. An American character with a cigar in mouth appears on the right. AMERICAN CHARACTER (GILLIAM) If you think this is fun, you should see the other channel! He reaches out and tweaks the lady's right nipple as if it were a TV set From Series 2, Show 10 (01/12/70) Animation: Dancing Teeth Cut-out museum background. A sideshow barker pops up mid-frame with a straw hat on SIDESHOW BARKER Yes boys, it's time once again for Conrad Poohs and his Dancing Teeth! The Python foot squashes him. The whole scene goes up like a curtain revealing a cut out of Terry Gilliam's face coloured purple with a pencil moustache. Fairground music. Then, his teeth dance. He gets booed [Now we come to think of it, maybe leaving out the animation bits in the Just The Words scriptbooks was actually quite a good idea. Still, you've all seen the sequence in question anyway.] Newly Shot Sequence Return to previous animation. Another character is now perched on the left of the nude lady, having just tweaked the same nipple BRITISH CHARACTER (JONES) I'm sorry, but I much prefer this channel. AMERICAN CHARACTER Oh, no - the other channel's far better! He tweaks the nipple a second time. Cut to... From Series 1, Show 6 (23/11/69) Animation: Statue of David with a fig leaf. CAPTION: It's The Arts [Lots of scratches on this sequence - presumably re-used film stock covered in the crew's 1970s fag ash.] Mix through to... Newly Shot Sequence A reverential presenter sits on an enormous inflatable see-through pouffe. [The enormous inflatable see-through pouffe in question had previously been sat on by Cleese in Series 2, Show 3 (29/09/70) for the 'Poet McTeagle sketch] PRESENTER (CLEESE) Good evening and welcome to It's The Arts. A sudden hissing is heard as the chair starts to slowly deflate. The presenter acknowledge this but continues all the same Tonight, we bring you one of the... (reacts to deflating chair) ...most momentous events in recent British screen history. The dramatic new interpretation of one of the world's best-known classics, and it is with great pride that It's The Arts now presents for you the Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights. Series 2, Show 2 (22/09/70) CAPTION: 'SEMAPHORE VERSION OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1970)' Film: appropriate film music throughout. Heathcliffe (Terry J) in close-up profile, his hair is blowing in the wind, he looks intense. Cut to close-up Catherine (Carol) also in profile, with hair streaming in wind. As if they are looking into each other's eyes. Pull out to reveal, on very long zoom, that they are each on the top of separate small hills, in rolling countryside. Heathcliffe produces two semaphore flags from behind him, and waves them. SUBTITLE: 'OH! CATHERINE' Pan across to Catherine who also produces two flags and waves. SUBTITLE: 'OH! HEATHCLIFFE' Heathcliffe waves flags again. SUBTITLE: 'OH! OH! CATHERINE' With each cut they are further and further away from each other. Catherine waves flags again. SUBTITLE: 'OH! OH! HEATHCLIFFE' Cut to her husband at front door of early Victorian manor house, looking stern. He waves two flags. SUBTITLE: 'CATHERINE!' Cut back to Catherine on hilltop. SUBTITLE: 'HARK! I HEAR MY HUSBAND' Cut to husband with two enormous flags. SUBTITLE: 'CATHERINE!' [The section with the baby in a cradle semaphoring 'Waaaaagh! Waaaaagh!', the nurse conveying a 'Shhh!' and the old man asleep has been removed.] Cut to front door again. Exterior. Husband is waiting. Catherine comes up the path towards him. As she approaches he flags. SUBTITLE: 'YOU'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE' Catherine waves frantically. SUBTITLE: 'YES! YES! I'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE, AND WHY NOT? HE'S THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED. HE'S FINE. HE'S STRONG. HE'S ALL THE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER BE, AND WHAT'S MORE . . .' CAPTION: 'MONDAY FOR 7 DAYS' Stock film of a Roman chariot race. VOICEOVER (GILLIAM) From the pulsating pages of history, from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome we bring you a story that shattered the world! A tale so gripping that they said it could not be filmed. A unique event in cinema history! [The cut between the previous line and the next is much looser here, with about four seconds of extra stock footage / shot of Caesar's palace. This suggests that they used an earlier VT edit, or more likely dug out the original edited film insert.] Julius Caesar on an Aldis lamp! SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP' Close-up of Caesar walking in Roman street. Soothsayer pushes his way up to him wild eyed and produces Aldis lamp and starts flashing: SUBTITLE: 'BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH' [The rest of the sketch doesn't feature.] Newly Shot Sequence Animation. Gilliam-designed caption: 'and now...' VOICEOVER (GILLIAM) And now... Cartoon explosion. A caption reveals itself step by step in dots until it reads The EXPLODING VERSION of THE BLUE DANUBE VOICEOVER (GILLIAM) The Exploding Version Of The Blue Danube! From Series 2, Show 13 (22/12/70) Cut to an orchestra in a field playing the 'Blue Danube'. On each musical phrase, a member of the orchestra explodes. Fade to pitch darkness. [This version has an extra five seconds at the end showing the conductor turning around and bowing to the smouldering remains of his orchestra. Once again this suggests that original film inserts were used rather than editing the VT from the original show.] Newly Shot Sequence The 'It's The Arts' presenter as before. The pouffe is now completely deflated PRESENTER Well, that's all we have time for, so from It's The Arts it's goodnight. Fade to... From Series 1, Show 6 (23/11/69) Animation: 'It's The Arts' Statue Of David with figleaf as before. A cartoon hand enters stage-right and attempts to remove the leaf only to have his hand swatted away by the statue. On the third attempt he grabs it and a struggle ensues. Eventually the leaf is removed revealing a blue-nosed censorial face where the genitals should be. CENSORIAL FACE (GILLIAM) Cut! That's it! We're not about to allow this sort of smut to be allowed onscreen! A hand enters the shot and stamps the word 'CENSORED' over the face [The rest of the animation doesn't feature here.] Cut to... Newly Shot Sequence A newsagents. Sharp pull back from a transistor radio on the counter which is broadcasting Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. The radio explodes. [The radio prop is of course the same one that was used in the 'Mary Queen Of Scots sketch (Series 2, Show 9 - 24/11/70).] Newsagent behind the counter is reading a magazine. He notes the explosion but it doesn't overly concern him. He goes mack to reading. We also note a pair of legs hanging from above the scene. A loony enters the shop. [The loony in question is the same character who knocked at Mrs Pinnet's door and asked for 'Mrs Rogers'. Here however he is portrayed by Michael Palin rather than Terry Gilliam.] LOONY (PALIN) Hello, I've come about my newspaper bill? NEWSAGENT (JONES) Oh yes. (Calling upwards) Mr Rogers? The owner of the previously mentioned legs descends to the floor on a wire accompanied by angelic choral music. He is however just a man in a suit. MR ROGERS (IDLE) Good morning. [Mr Rogers is perhaps related to the 'Mrs Rogers' of whom the loony originally enquired?] LOONY Morning. Come about the newspaper bill? MR ROGERS Fine, would you like to go upstairs? LOONY Oh, thank you. MR ROGERS Good. Both Mr Rogers and the Loony ascend towards the ceiling on wires accompanied by the angelic music (which is now playing backwards). LOONY I want to cancel the Guardian... A city gent comes into shop. CITY GENT (CLEESE) Ah, good morning, could I have a copy of The Times, please. NEWSAGENT Certainly, sir. CITY GENT Thank you very much NEWSAGENT Thank you. The city gent leaves the shop doing a very silly walk From Series 2, Show 1 (15/09/70) The city gent leaves the shop, from which we see a line of gas men stretching back up the road to Mrs Pinnet's house, and walks off in an indescribably silly manner. Cut to him proceeding along Whitehall, and into a building labelled 'Ministry of Silly Walks '. Inside the building he passes three other men, each walking in their own eccentric way. Cut to an office; a man is sitting waiting. The city gent enters eccentrically. MINISTER Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, and so it takes me rather longer to get to work. (sits at desk) Now then, what was it again? MAN Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it. MINISTER I see. May I see your silly walk? MAN Yes, certainly, yes. He gets up and does a few steps, lifting the bottom part of his left leg sharply at every alternate pace. He stops. MINISTER That's it, is it? MAN Yes, that's it, yes. MINISTER It's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step. MAN Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly. MINISTER (rising) Mr Pudey, (he walks about behind the desk in a very silly fashion) the very real problem is one of money. I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs. You see there's Defense, Social Security, Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks ... they're all supposed to get the same. But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defence. Now we get £348,000,000 a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products. (he sits down) Coffee? MAN Yes please. MINISTER (pressing intercorn) Now Mrs Two-Lumps, would you bring us in two coffees please? INTERCOM VOICE Yes, Mr Teabag. MINISTER (Confused) ...Out of her mind. Now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step. While the Israelis... ah, here's the coffee. Enter secretary with tray with two cups on it. She has a particularly jerky silly walk which means that by the time she reaches the minister there is no coffee left in the cups. The minister has a quick look in the cups, and smiles understandingly. MINISTER Thank you - lovely. (she exits still carrying tray and cups) You're really interested in silly walks, aren't you? MAN Oh rather. Yes. MINISTER Well take a look at this, then. He products a projector from beneath his desk already spooled up and plugged in. He flicks a switch and it beams onto the opposite wall. The film shows a sequence of six old-fashioned silly walkers. The film is old silent-movie type, scratchy, jerky and 8mm quality. All the participants wear 1900's type costume. One has huge shoes with soles a foot thick, one is a woman, one has. very long 'Little Tich' shoes. [The film is in a different edit here - Michael Palin's long-shoes silly walker does his straight-legged slow-march from left to right, then does the same thing backwards from right to left. Also the bit with Eric Idle's parasole woman staggering around the banks of the Thames is much shorter (and an audio edit is discernible from where it gets snipped). This is a similar edit to the version on Monty Python Live At The Hollywood Bowl, although that version was full colour. Not entirely unrelated - straight head-and-shoulders production photos of the silly walkers in this film insert were used in the 'Vote Silly' pages of Monty Python's Big Red Book] Cut back to office. The minister hurls the projector away. He leans forward. [Just noticed - the Just The Words notes claim that the minister 'hurls the projector away. Along with papers and everything else on his desk. He doesn't do this in any version.] MINISTER Now Mr Pudey. I'm not going to mince words with you. I'm going to offer you a Research Fellowship on the Anglo-French silly walk. MAN La Marche Futile? Cut to two Frenchmen, wearing striped jerseys and berets, standing in a field with a third man who is entirely covered by a sheet. FIRST FRENCHMAN Bonjour ... et maintenant ... comme d'habitude, au sujet du Le Marché Commun. Et maintenant, je vous presente, encore une fois, mon ami, le pouf célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique. (he removes his moustache and sticks it onto the other Frenchman) SECOND FRENCHMAN Merci, mon petit chou-chou Brian Trubshawe. Et maintenant avec les pieds à droite, et les pieds au gauche, et maintenant l'Anglais-Française Marche Futile, et voilà They unveil the third man and walk off. He is facing to camera left and appears to be dressed as a city gent; then he turns about face and we see on his right half he is dressed au style francais. He moves off into the distance in eccentric speeded-up motion. Cut to... From Series 2, Show 2 (22/09/70) A field. A man with large mechanical wings, pulleys and gears contraption, running along trying to fly. Cut to him going faster. Cut to him going even faster. Cut to him even faster and suddenly he appears to take off, jumping off a dune or a hillock. Cut to him flying in slow motion so that it looks like he is gliding. He hits what seems to be a cliff. Camera twists round so that it is the right way up, showing that the flyer has fallen down a cliff onto a beach. It pans across from the wreck of the flyer. As it pans across the sand, various other would-be fliers can be seen, heads in the sand, legs kicking up in the air, amidst the broken debris of their planes. Camera continues to pan until it comes across an announcer in DJ sitting at his desk: ANNOUNCER And now for something completely different. Cut to... From Series 2, Show 4 (20/10/70) Animation: The Butterfly A grumpy old cartoon caterpiller in a dirty mac and hat crawls, grumbling along a leaf. He reaches a house (set on one of the leaves), enters a room, climbs into bed and falls asleep. Fade out Fade back in apparently some time later. An alarm clock rings and a showbizzy looking butterfly in a spangly suit leaps out, wings flapping. He flies off. Mix To... From Series 2, Show 5 (27/10/70) Cut to the word 'Blackmail' in letters four feet high, picked out in lightbulbs which flash on and off. Big showbiz music crashes in. Camera pulls back to reveal glittery showbiz set. A presenter in glittery showbiz jacket sits behind a glittery desk, with a telephone on it. PRESENTER Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'Blackmail'! And to start tonight's programme, we go to Preston in Lancashire, and Mrs Betty Teal! Cut to a slightly blurred black and white photo of a housewife with her face blotted out by a black oblong. PRESENTER Hello, Mrs Teal! Cut back to presenter. He picks up a letter and reads it. PRESENTER Now this is for £15 and it's to stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '£15' (which flashes on and off quickly) PRESENTER So Mrs Teal...if you send us £15 by return post, please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children, Diane, Janice and Juliet need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. Cut to a nude man (except for a collar and a tie) at organ (Gilliam). He plays a few stirring chords. Cut back to presenter. PRESENTER (as he speaks he holds up the various items) And now...a letter...a hotel registration book...and a series of photographs...which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason, and prospective Tory MP.. that's Mr S. of Bromsgrove...£3,000... SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '£3000' (which flashes on and off) PRESENTER ...to stop us from revealing your name, the name of the three other people involved, the youth organization to which they belong, and the shop where you bought the equipment. Cut back to nude man at organ with chords again. Cut to still of two pairs of naked feet and lower legs. Organ music over this. Cut back to presenter. PRESENTER We'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the programme...unless we hear from Charles or Michael. And now it's time for our 'Stop the Film' spot! SUPERIMPOSED FLASHING CAPTION: 'STOP THE FILM' PRESENTER The rules are very simple. We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant details, which could wreck a man's career. But, the victim may phone me at any point and stop the film. But remember the money increases as the film goes on. So the longer you leave it...the more you have to pay! So now, with the clock at £300 this week 'Stop the Film' visited Thames Ditton... The following film is shot in murky 8mm. [This version is completely re-shot, and doesn't look at all murky. It's in black and white, but no flickering effects as per the original. It also incorporated the running joke of the line of gas men emerging from Mrs Pinnet's house. The stirring music on the soundtrack is the same as before but in a different edit, allowing us to hear a rather nice middle-eight.] As the film progresses we have a £ sign with numerals in one corner which increase. Shot of a residental street in Thames Ditton (sic). Another section of a street with a figure in a Robin Hood hat and raincoat - in the distance on the far side of the road, so we can't really make him out. Cut to slightly closer shot of him about to cross the road. Cut to suburban house. The man is standing at the door pressing the bell and looking round rather furtively. Again shot from some distance and over a hedge. Cut back to studio. The presenter looking at a monitor. Back to the film: a woman opens the door. She wears a dressing gown over lingerie. A shaky zoom in to reveal her clothing. Wide shot of the house with door shut. Jump cut to shot obviously taken from a window in the house. Shaky zoom in on window. We can see in the window...both the man and woman enter the bedroom. He goes out of shot, taking his coat off. [At this point there was originally a cut back to the studio with the 'Blackmail' host saying "He's being very brave here...". This doesn't feature on this edit, probably because it would have been difficult (with the new film and re-edited music) to incorporate the shot, dub-wise.] Close-up of upstairs window. A series of short jump cuts. She is undressing. She throws off her dressing gown. A jump and she's taking off her negligee. Underneath she wears black corsets. She produces a whip and seems to be beckoning to the man. Phone rings. Cut back to the studio. The presenter picks up the phone. PRESENTER Hello, sir, hello, yes. No sir, no, I'm sure you didn't. No, it's all right, sir, we don't morally censure, we just want the money....Yes, and here's the address to send it to: Cut To... Newly Shot Sequence Animation. The 'Blackmail' address, white on black. The final 'n' in 'Station is slightly askew. VOICEOVER (CLEESE) Blackmail, Behind The Hot Water Pipes, Third Washroom Along, Victoria Station... A character walks into shot and notices the askew letter 'n'. He nudges it into place and the word 'Victoria' becomes askew. He nudges the word 'Victoria' in to place and the whole lot comes tumbling down. A tiny police car swerves to a halt next to him, drags him inside and speeds off. [At this point the animation film print suddenly goes very scratchy and weather-worn as if it's been rescued from Gilliam's skip. However the rest of the cartoon doesn't seem to have featured in any other Flying Circus shows. It's possible that it was created for the first series (the animation is quite rudimentary and much in the style of Gilliam's earlier stuff) but not used. Perhaps for reasons mentioned below...] The police car hits a wall which appears out of nowhere with a splat. The wall falls down, then opens up like a trap door. A massive policeman's face peers from under it, the police car pops out of his ear and continues on its journey. It drives over a giant reclining nude woman, falling temporarily out of sight around its leg-obscured pubic region (the woman sighs slightly, suggesting that perhaps the car is revving about inside her), then continues. Finally it lands in the mouth of a giant Ted Heath who turns to us, smiling Cut to... Newly Shot Sequence Ted Heath's smiling face on a monitor. Pull back to reveal a news studio. The Newscaster is in mid-flow. [This is a slightly rewritten and reperformed version of a sketch which appeared in Series 1, Show 5 (16/11/69)] NEWSREADER (as if it's the fourth item) ...and the shop where he bought the equipment. (On the monitor we see a photo of a jewellers) In Fulham this morning a jeweller's shop was broken into and ear-rings to the value of £2,000 stolen. [Originally it was simply "jewelry" that was stolen.] Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview. (on the screen behind, him, there appears an identical picture of him, sitting at his newsreader desk) The man is in his late twenties wearing a grey suit, a white shirt and a floral tie. (on the screen behind, police come in and remove the newsreader) Will anyone who sees this man or can give any information about his whereabouts please contact their nearest police station. Sport! In the se... (he is handed a piece of paper) Ah! We've just heard that police have detained the man they wished to interview in connection with the jewel robbery. Ah, but after questioning police have ruled him out of their enquiries and released him. (the other newsreader appears back on the screen and sits down) Sport. (he is handed another piece of paper) Ah, they say, however, that acting on his information they now wish to interview a newsreader in the central London area. Ah, police are concentrating their enquiries on the British Broadcasting Corp ... (a policeman comes in, and removes newsreader in the foreground) Excuse me a minute... Camera pans into the screen. Mix through to film. The newsreader on the screen behind continues. OTHER NEWSREADER We understand a man is now helping police with their enquiries. And that is the end of the news. (he clips a piece of jewellery on to his ear) And now, 'Match of the Day'. 'Match of the Day' music. We see a couple. They are in bed in the throes of passion. They kiss ecstaticaly. After a few seconds there is the sound of a car drawing up. The crunch of footsteps on gravel and the sound of a door opening. The newsreader comes into shot. NEWSREADER Ah, I, Um terribly sorry it's not in fact 'Match of the Day'-, it is in fact edited highlights of tonight's romantic movie. Er. Sorry. (he goes out of shot; the two clinch again; after a second he pops back into shot) Ooh, I'm sorry, on BBC2 Joan Bakewell will be talking to Michael Dean about what makes exciting television. (pops out of shot, then pops in again) Ah, sorry about all that. And now back to the movie. (he goes) The couple continue to neck. SHE (CLEVELAND) Oh, Bevis. BEVIS (JONES) Oh, Elspeth SHE Oh oh, Bevis. BEVIS Oh, Elspeth SHE Oh Bevis. (Bevis moves in for the kill) Be gentle with me. Pan camera upwards. Fade to film montage. Collapsing factory chimney in reverse motion; pan up tall soaring poplars in the wind; waves crashing; fish in shallow water fountains; exploding fireworks; volcano erupting with lava; rocket taking off, express train going into a tunnel; dam bursting; battleship broadside; lion leaping through flaming hoop; Richard Nixon smiling; milking a cow; planes refuelling in mid-air; Women's Institute applauding; tossing the caber; plane falling in flames; tree crashing to the ground; the lead shot tower collapsing (normal motion). [For this version we also get a shot of John Cleese doing a silly walk. And a completely different punchline:] Cut back to the bed. A post coital cigarette. The newsreader is lying there between them NEWSREADER (satisfied) And now for something completely different. Cut to... From Series 1, Show 11 (28/12/69) The Batley Towswomen's Guild doing their reinterpretation of the 'Battle Of Pearl Harbour'. A whistle blows and the two sides set about each other with handbags etc., speeded up 50% just to give it a bit of edge. [No intro or explanations - just the film itself. Over which the credits run.] CREDITS MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS was conceived, written and performed by GRAHAM CHAPMAN JOHN CLEESE ERIC IDLE TERRY JONES MICHAEL PALIN TERRY GILLIAM Also appearing CAROL CLEVELAND DAVID BALLANTYNE HELENA CLAYTON DAPHNE DAVEY JOHN HUGHMAN STANLEY MASON Research PATRICIA HOULIHAN Make-up PENNY NORTON MADELAINE GAFFNEY ELIZABETH ROWELL Costumes HAZEL PETHIG Animations by TERRY GILLIAM Graphics BOB BLAGDEN Visual Effects Designer JOHN HORTON Videotape Editor HOWARD DELL Film Cameraman JAMES BALFOUR Film Editor RAY MILLICHOPE Sound PETER ROSE LANCE ANDREWS Lighting OTIS EDDY JAMES PURDIE ROBBIE ROBINSON Designers ROBERT BERK KEN SHARP RICHARD HUNT PAUL JOEL Produced by IAN MACNAUGHTON BBC TV Cut to... From Series 2, Show 11 (08/12/70) Stock film of Ramsay MacDonald arriving at Number 10 Downing Street and any others of that period. VOICEOVER (CLEESE) 1929. Stanley Baldwin's Conservative Government is defeated and Ramsay MacDonald becomes, for the second time, Prime Minister of England. MacDonald walks into an empty room - black and white film. RAMSAY MacDONALD (PALIN) My, it's hot in here. He proceeds to take off his clothes, strips down to black garter belt and suspenders and stocking. Fade out.