HOW YOUR BODY WORKS by A. NOTHER DOCTOR... from Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok The human body is indeed a wonderul thing. Its infinitely complex way of functioning would take a computer, working flat out, day and night, excluding Bank Holidays and Christmas, 3,971 years to work out. The slightest flicker of the eyelid, the smallest movement of the big toe, involves such extraordinarily complex processes that the average man, working flat out, excluding Bank Holidays and Christmas, but *including* weekends, would take 84,643 light years to work it out. If you can imagine an Airedale terrier jumping in and out of a watering can once every 7 minutes for 12 years you have some idea how long that would take. And that's only one light year. Even the most simple process that the body can perform -- like paying the doctor -- would take a piece of asbestos over 9 billion years to work out. If you can imagine a man at a cocktail party congratulating the hostess on the avocado dip 40,000 times every second for 2 1/2 hours twice a week for 28,000 years you can begin to realise what an extraordinarily wonderful thing the human body is. To put it even more simply, if you can imagine a doctor leaving his lucrative Harley St. practice to a younger partner, and cruising round the world 4 times a year, drinking 3 bottles of champagne with a friend's wife every afternoon, and writing an article on How Your Body Works once every 96 days, you'll get some idea of why I was struck off the register. Good evening. Fear No Man (Advertisement)... from Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok FEAR NO MAN! I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch, ...the Secret Welsh ART of SELF DEFENCE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage. The FANTASTIC SECRETS of the SECRET world-famous method of SELF DEFENCE, kept secret for centuries because of their DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH, BATTER, FRACTURE, CRUSH, DISMEMBER, CRACK, DISEMBOWEL, CRIPPLE, SNAP and HARM are now revealed to YOU in the English Language by a LLAP-GOCH master AT HIS OWN RISK, PROVIDED you promise to MAIM, CRUSH, DISEMBOWEL and so on ONLY in SELF DEFENCE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as you will understand.) WHY "At his own risk?" BECAUSE if his fellow masters of LLAP-GOCH DISCOVER his IDENTITY, they will PUNISH HIM SEVERELY for revealing the DEADLY secrets he had promised to keep SECRET, without giving them a piece of the ACTION, and also BECAUSE of the TERRIBLE risk of PUNISHMENT he runs under the Trades Description Act. WHAT is LLAP-GOCH? IT is THE most DEADLY form OF SECRET self-DEFENCE that HAS ever been widely advertised and available to EVERYONE. WHY ALL the CAPITALS? Because THE most likely kind OF person TO answer THIS sort OF advertise- ment HAS less trouble under-STANDING words if they ARE written in BIG letters. WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again? It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-A, which is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore, the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU... Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence! No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT fascinating and ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need you be out-manoeuvred in political debate!! GOOD BYE HUMILIATION, wisecracking bullies, Karate experts, boxing champions, sarcastic vicars, traffic wardens; entire panzer divisions will melt to pulp as you master every situation without INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES. You will no longer look pitiful and spotty to your GIRL FRIENDS when you leave some unsuspecting passer- by looking like four tins of cat food! They will admire your MASTERY and DECISIVENESS and LACK OF INADEQUACY and will almost certainly let you put your HAND inside their BLOUSE out of sheer ADMIRATION. And after seeing more of your expert disabling they'll almost definately go to bed with you, although obviously we can't ABSOLUTELY guarantee this, still it's extremely likely and would make learning LLAP-GOCH really worthwhile al- though legally we can't PROMISE anything. Why WELSH Art? LLAP-GOCH was developed in Wales because for the average Welshman, the best prospects of achieving a reasonable standard of living lie with the acquisition of the most efficient techniques of armed robbery. HOW do I learn? No, you mean "How do YOU Learn." I know already. HOW do You Learn? You receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own special personal LLAP-GOCH Picture Book with hundreds of PHOTOGRAPHS and just a very few plain, clear and simple, easy to understand words. Only a FOUR-SECOND WORK-OUT Each Day! And you will be ready to HARM people! * DEVELOP UP TO 38" BICEPS * GROW UP TO 12" TALLER * LOSE UP TO 40" OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT! * PROLONG YOUR LIFE BY UP TO 1,000 YEARS * GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU CARE TO THINK OF PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE "UP TO" CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER "NOUGHT." WHAT Does it Cost? This, like LLAP-GOCH, is a SECRET but you will find out sooner or later, don't worry. MAIL DARING HAIR-RAISING MONEY-SAVING HALF-PRICE NO-RISK FREE-TRIAL COUPON NOW! ---------------------- O.K. Hounourable Master, I accept your daring, hair-raising, mind- boggling, blood-curdling, no-risk, half-price, free-trial offer to reveal the secrets of LLAP-GOCH in a plain wrapper at once. Yes Master, I never again want to be 'Weak In The Knees' and 'Chicken Out' and 'Wet My Pants' when insulted and attacked. I agree never to abuse the principles of LLAP-GOCH or consult a lawyer. I am over 4. I have an extra Y chromo- some. Bill me later. I understand that if I am not completely satisfied I have been had. NAME _________________ AGE __ ADDRESS _____________ CITY _______________ STATE ____________ ZIP _______ Please also enroll me under your special Car Insurance Scheme. I under- stand that I do not have to sign anything to make this completely binding to me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ WHY ACCOUNTANCY IS NOT BORING by Mr, A, Putty... From Monty Python's Big Red Book First let me say how very pleased I was to be asked on the 4th inst. to write an article on why accountancy is not boring. I feel very very strongly that there are many people who may think that accountancy is boring, but they would be wrong, for it is not at all boring, as I hope to show you in this article, which is, as I intimated earlier, a pleasure to write. I think I can do little worse than begin this article by describing why accountancy is not boring as far as I am concerned, and then, perhaps, go on to a more general discussion of why accountancy as a whole is not boring. As soon as I awake in the morning it is not boring. I get up at 7.16, and my wife Irene, an ex-schoolteacher, gets up shortly afterwards at 7.22. Breakfast is far from boring and soon I am ready to leave the house. Irene, a keen Rotarian, hands me my briefcase and rolled umbrella at 7.53, and I leave the house seconds later. It is a short walk to Sutton station, but by no means a boring one. There is so much to see, including Mr Edgeworth, who also works at Robinson Partners. Mr Edgeworth is an extremely interesting man, and was in Uxbridge during the war. Then there is a train journey of 2 minutes to London Bridge, one of British Rail's main London terminal, where we accountants mingle for a moment with stockbrokers and other accountants from all walks of life. I think that many of the people to whom accountancy appears boring think that all accountants are the same. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some accountants are chartered, but very many others are certified. I am a certified accountant, as indeed is Mr Edgeworth, whom I told you about earlier. However, in the next office to mine is a Mr Manners, who is a chartered accountant, and, incidentally, a keen Rotarian. However, Mr Edgeworth and I get on extremely well with Mr Manners, despite the slight prestige superiority of his position. Mr Edgeworth, in fact, gets on with Mr Manners extremely well, and if there are two spaces at lunch it is more than likely he will sit with Mr Manners. So far, as you can see, accountancy is not boring. During the morning there are a hundred and one things to do. A secretary may pop in with details of an urgent audit. This happened in 1967 and again last year. On the other hand, the phone may ring, or there may be details of a new superannuation scheme to mull over. The time flies by in this not at all boring way, and it is soon ,when there is only 1 hour to go before Mrs Jackson brings round the tea urn. Mrs Jackson is just one of the many people involved in accountancy who give the lie to those who say it is a boring profession. Even a solicitor or a surveyor would find Mrs Jackson a most interesting person. At 10.00am, having drunk an interesting cup of tea, I put my cup on the tray and then...( 18 pages deleted here - Ed .) .. and once the light is turned out by Irene, a very keen Rotarian, I am left to think about how extremely un-boring my day has been, being an accountant. Finally may I say how extremely grateful I am to your book for so generously allowing me so much space. (Sorry, Putey ! - Ed.) The announcement for people who like figures of speech from "Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok" An announcement Because of the Anagrams dispute it has been decided to devote the rest of this space to a page specially written for people who like figures of speech, for the not a few fans of litotes, and those with no small interest in meiosis, for the infinite millions of hyperbole-lovers, for those fond of hypallage, and the epithet's golden transfer, for those who fall willingly into the arms of the metaphor, those who give up the ghost, bury their heads in the sand and ride roughshod over the mixed metaphor, and even those of hyperbaton the friends. It will be too, for those who reprehend the malapropism; who love the wealth of metonymy; for all friends of rhetoric and syllepsis; and zeugmatists with smiling eyes and hearts. It will bring a large absence of unsatisfactory malevolence to periphrastic fans; a wig harm bello to spoonerists; and in no small measure a not less than splendid greeting to you circumlocutors. The World adores prosopopeiasts, and the friendly faces of synechdotists, and can one not make those amorous of anacoluthon understand that if they are not satisfied by this, what is to happen to them? It will attempt to really welcome all splitters of infinitives, all who are Romeo and Juliet to antonomasia, those who drink up similes like sparkling champagne, who lose nothing compared with comparison heads, self-evident axiomists, all pithy aphorists, apothegemists, maximiles, theorists, epigrammatists and even gnomists. And as for the lovers of aposiopesis -- ! It will wish bienvenu to all classical adherents of euphuism, all metathesistic birds, golden paranomasiasts covered in guilt, fallacious paralogists, trophists, anagogists, and anaphorists; to greet, welcome, embrace asyndeton buffs, while the lovers of ellipsis will be well-met and its followers embraced, as will be chronic worshippers of catachresis and supporters of anastrophe the world over. Horace Poem, trancribed by Linus the Llama From "Monty Python's Big Red Book" HORACE POEM Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. He didn't stop to say his grace, He just sat down and ate his face. "We can't have this!" His Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should be shared." But even as they spoke they saw, Horace eating more and more: First his legs and then his thighs, His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" But all to late, for they were gone, And he had started on his dong... "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns, "You could have deep fried that with prawns, Some parsely and some tarter sauce..." But H. was on his second course: His liver and his lights and lung, His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, And now he's going to scoff the lot!" His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." And as she wept her son was seen, To eat his head, his heart, his spleen. And there he lay, a boy no more, Just a stomache, on the floor... None the less, since it was his, They ate it - that's what haggis is. * * No it isn't. Ed. Haggis is a kind of stuffed black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver, and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomache-bag and... Excuse me a minute. Ed. The Page Written For People Who Dislike Anagrams... from "Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok" Hello, and welcome to a page written entirely for people who dislike anagrams. Hi, anagram-haters everywhere! Down with all words or phrases formed with the letters of another! This page is specially dedicated to all who hate and despise the pathetic practice of shuffling letters to form different meanings. Let us make one thing clear from the start, there will be no anagrams on this page at all. None whatsoever. So any anagram lovers can just turn to their own page, where they will find their pathetic practice sufficiently catered for. We want none of you here. For too long we anti-anagrammatists have had to put up with the smugness of those who possess the reprehensible ability to perceive concealed meanings hidden in words or phrases. Now no more; this page is guaranteed free from anagrams. So just you put your feet up and relax without worrying whether you are reading concealed anagrams or not. Don't you just hate those bores who can crack an anagram faster than they can pour the irate? I'm sorry. That wasn't an anagram. It was a typing error. It should of course have read 'I rate her pout'. Oh dear. I'm sorry again. That wasn't a typing error. It was a printer's slip. The phrase 'heat our tripe' should have read 'I rape her tout'. Oh golly. Sorry. I'm afraid that owing to a mistake in the proof-reading the phrase 'rip her eat out' has been wrongly corrected to 'ripe teat hour'. It should of course have read 'at trip out here'. Oh crikey. I'm terribly sorry but the phrase 'our pi theatre' which we wrongly informed you was 'the route pair' should have been printed 'rather I toupe'' and not 'ripe hate hour'. Oh no. Drat the bally thing. I'm most frightfully sorry but the phrase 'Report the A.U.I.' has been wrongly given as 'therapeutior', when it should quite obviously have read 'opiate hurter'. Anagrams - A statement It looks very much as though this page written especially for people who dislike anagrams has been sabotaged. It appears that someone has infiltrated the text at a crucial stage and tampered with the words, so that certain phrases have been red teal (7). We apologise to all haters of anagrams for the annoyance. It's all very ira tit gin r (10). But there you ear (3). What can neo od? (3-2). We are taking legal pests (5) to tup (3) the matter right but until then we can only loose a pig (9). The Tiredo (6).