MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN
{Ik Lifen Briyen di M0nti Pyth0n}
A Full Transcript
Based upon the film by
Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam,
Michael Palin, Eric Idle & John Cleese
By
Garrett Gilchrist
[AmbushBug4@aol.com]
Visit my webpage
[http://members.aol.com/ambushbug4/mybrainhurts.html]
Special thanks to
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD.
NEAR PARAGUAY
and
Tim Hagle and Adam Jones and Simon P. Rooney
NOTE: This is a transcript of the final film, not a copy of the original
screenplay, which was substantially longer and therefore different than this
thingie here. So if you're reading the screenplay and it's different, that's
why, you silly sot. Enjoy. And be sure to purchase a shrubbery.
Monty Python's Life of Brian - (c) 1979 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--[Three camels are silhouetted against the bright stars of the moonless
sky, moving slowly along the horizon. A star leads them towards Bethlehem.
The Wise Men enter the gates of the sleeping town and make their way through
the deserted streets. A dog snarls at them. They approach a stable, out of
which streams a beam of light. They dismount and enter to find a typical
manger scene, with a baby in a rough crib of straw and patient animals
standing around. The mother nods by the side of the child. Suddenly she
wakes from her lightish doze, sees them, shrieks and falls backwards off her
straw. She's up again in a flash, looking guardedly at them. She is a
ratbag.]
MANDY COHEN
Who are you?
WISE MAN 1
We are three wise men.
MANDY
What?!
WISE MAN 1
We are three wise men.
MANDY
Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the
morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me!
WISE MAN 3
We are astrologers.
WISE MAN 1
We have come from the east.
MANDY (suspiciously)
Is this some kind of joke?
WISE MAN 2
We wish to praise the infant.
WISE MAN 1
We must pay homage to him.
MANDY
Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out! Bursting in here
with tales about oriental fortune tellers... Come on, out.
--[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back
away all the same.]
WISE MAN 2
No, no, we must see him.
MANDY
Go and praise someone else's brat. Go on.
WISE MAN 2
We--
WISE MAN 1
We were led by a star.
MANDY
Led by a bottle, more like. Go on, out!
WISE MAN 1
Well-- well, we must see him, we have brought presents.
MANDY
Out!
WISE MAN 2
Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
--[She changes her attitude quickly at the mention of presents]
MANDY
Well, why didn't you say? He's over there... sorry the place is a bit of a
mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?
WISE MAN 3
It is a valuable balm.
MANDY
A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im.
WISE MAN 3
What?
MANDY
That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.
WISE MAN 1
No it isn't.
MANDY
Yes it is, it's a great big (mm)
--[She drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big (mm)]
WISE MAN 3
No, no, no, it is an ointment.
MANDY
There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? ... So you're
astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?
WISE MAN 2
Hmm?
MANDY
What star sign is he?
WISE MAN 2
Um, Capricorn.
MANDY
Um, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WISE MAN 2
He is the son of God, our messiah.
WISE MAN 1
King of the Jews!
MANDY
So that's Capricorn, is it?
WISE MAN 2
No, no, no, that's just him.
MANDY
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
WISE MAN 1
By what name are you calling him?
MANDY
Uh, Brian.
WISE MEN (As heavenly music plays)
We worship you, oh Brian, who art lord over us all. Praise unto you
Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
MANDY
You do a lot of this then?
WISE MAN 2
What?
MANDY
This praising.
WISE MAN 2
Oh, no, no no.
MANDY (shoving them out)
Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh? And thanks a lot for the
gold, and frankincense, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time,
all right? Thank you. Goodbye! ... Well, weren't they nice? Out of their
bloody minds, still...
--[In the background we see the Wise Men pause outside another door as a
gentle glow suffuses them. They look at each other, confer and then stride
back in and grab the presents from her and turn to go again, pushing her
over. Then we see the true object of their adoration, the baby Jesus, who
seems to be suffused with an unearthly glow as his smiling parents, also
glowing, stand above him. A heavenly chorus sings praises to God on high.]
BRIAN
Waaah.
MANDY
Shaddap.
[Whack]
--[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening
credits, which I'm not even going to attempt to describe.]
SINGER
Brian ... the babe they called Brian
Grew ... grew grew and grew, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian
He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
This man called Brian
This man called ... Brian !
--[We can see a group of people walking up a desert hillside to where a man,
Jesus, now fully grown, is standing on a mount preaching]
Caption: JUDEA A.D. 33
Caption: SATURDAY AFTERNOON
Caption: ABOUT TEA TIME
JESUS
How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are
those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How
blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail; They shall be
satisfied. How blessed are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see God.
--[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here we can
see Brian and mum; Brian is now 33 years old (she's hardly aged a bit, lucky
her... Though I do wonder about those teeth).]
MANDY
Speak up!
MAN
Shh.
BRIAN
Quiet, mum.
MANDY
Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to th' stoning.
--[We can now see a small group of people around the area.]
BIGNOSE
Ssssh.
BRIAN
You can go to the stoning any time.
MANDY
Oh come on, Brian.
BIGNOSE
Will you be quiet!
MRS. BIGNOSE
Don't pick yer nose.
BIGNOSE
I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.
MRS. BIGNOSE
You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.
BIGNOSE
I wasn't!
MRS. BIGNOSE
Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
CHEEKY
Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
MRS. BIGNOSE
Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
CHEEKY
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody thing.
BIGNOSE
Don't you swear at my wife.
CHEEKY
I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, Bignose.
MRS. BIGNOSE
Don't you call my husband Bignose.
CHEEKY
Well, he has got a big nose.
GREGORY
Could you be quiet, please? [To Cheeky:] What was that?
CHEEKY
I don't know... I was too busy talking to Bignose.
RANDOM
I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.
MRS. GREGORY
Ahh, what's so special about the cheese-makers?
GREGORY
Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any
manufacturers of dairy products...
CHEEKY
See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.
BIGNOSE
Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.
CHEEKY
Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the bignoses.
BRIAN
Oh, lay off him.
CHEEKY
Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from? Nose
city?
BIGNOSE
One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.
MRS. BIGNOSE
Language... and don't pick your nose.
BIGNOSE
I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.
SPORK
Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.
GREGORY
The Greek?
SPORK
Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.
GREGORY
Did anyone catch his name?
MRS. BIGNOSE
You're not going to thump anybody.
BIGNOSE
I'll thump him if he calls me Bignose again.
CHEEKY
Oh shut up, Bignose.
BIGNOSE
Ah. All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...
--[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the real
story.]
MRS. BIGNOSE
Oh, it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice, isn't it. I'm glad
they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.
CHEEKY
Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.
BIGNOSE
Hey. Your nose is gonna be three foot wide across your face by the time I've
finished with you.
RANDOM
Ssssh.
CHEEKY
Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?
BIGNOSE
Oh. Right. That's your last warning!
MRS. GREGORY
Oh, do pipe down. [She abruptly gets hit in the face by Bignose!] OH!
--[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the area]
MANDY
Oh come on...let's go to the stoning.
BRIAN
All right.
--[Brian notices a group of people in black walking by him, including a
rather attractive (to Brian) woman.]
FRANCIS
Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status
quo as far as I can tell, Reg.
REG
Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek
who are the problem.
JUDITH
Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes, I see.
MANDY
Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.
BRIAN (transfixed on Judith)
All right.
CHEEKY
Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer,
intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's
fault. He started it all.
--[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper selling stones.
A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.]
MANDY (wearing a hideous orange beard)
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
BRIAN
Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum?
MANDY
It's written. That's why.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Pssst. Beard, madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening his
cloak to reveal a number of fake beards]
WOMAN
Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well again.
DONKEY
Hee haw, hee haw.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Stone, sir?
MANDY
Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's
craftsmanship sir.
MANDY
Hmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one.
BRIAN
Can I have a flat one mum?
MANDY
Ssssh.
BRIAN
Sorry, dad.
MANDY
Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
MANDY
Yeah?
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Local boy.
MANDY
Oh. Good.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Enjoy yourselves.
--[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large number
of people stoning some unfortunate. Mandy hurries Brian along to get to the
next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd consists entirely of
women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in front of the next prisoner
holding a scroll as he waits for the crowd to settle down.]
ELDER PRALINE
Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
MATTHIAS
[to a guard] Do I say yes?
LIMESTONE
Yes.
MATTHIAS
[To the elder] Yes.
ELDER PRALINE
You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of
our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER...
CROWD
Ooooh.
ELDER
... you are to be stoned to death!
--[The crowd looks anxious to kill Matthias, growling in a feminine way]
MATTHIAS
Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That piece of
halibut was good enough for Jehovah'.
CROWD
Oooooooh!
ELDER PRALINE
BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again!
CROWD
Yes! Yes, he did! He did!...
ELDER PRALINE
Did you hear him?
CROWD
Yes! Yes, we did! We did!...
MR. CINDY (high-pitched)
Really.
--[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the
woman's voice.]
ELDER PRALINE
Are there any... women here today?
CROWD
(guilty mumbling)
ELDER PRALINE (convinced)
Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...
--[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits Matthias on the
head.]
MATTHIAS
Oh! Lay off... we haven't started yet.
ELDER PRALINE
Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
CROWD
She did! She did! Er, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did... [Their voices
drop as they realize their mistake.]
MR. STEPHANIE
Sorry, I thought we'd started.
ELDER PRALINE
Go to the back.
MR. STEPHANIE
Oh, dear.
ELDER PRALINE
Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
MATTHIAS
Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying Jehovah.
CROWD
[Shocked] He said it again!
ELDER PRALINE
You're only making it worse for yourself.
MATTHIAS
Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!!
CROWD
Oooooooh!
ELDER PRALINE
I'm warning you...! If you say Jehovah once more...
[A stone flies by and hits the elder.] Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who
threw that?
CROWD
She did! She did! Er, he, him, him, him, him, him, him...
ELDER
Was it you?
MR. VICTORIA
Yes.
ELDER
Right...
MR. VICTORIA
Well, you did say Jehovah. [She gets stoned]
ELDER (out of breath and furious)
Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone
anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to
make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.
--[The women rapidly stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping of a
huge boulder on his fallen body. Much applause.]
MR. CINDY
Good shot.
--[One of the two Roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head. They
do nothing.]
--[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and Mum walk
home]
BRIAN
Have I got a big nose, Mum?
MANDY
Oh stop thinking about sex.
BRIAN
I wasn't!
MANDY
You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls like
this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?
--[A number of beggars sit by the side of the road begging. All seem very
sick apart from the one at the end. They are pleading for money from a man
riding a donkey.]
ILL
Spare a shekel...
VERY ILL
God bless you, sir.
VISIBLY ILL
Alms for a leper.
JUST PLAIN ILL
Alms for a leper.
EX-LEPER
Alms for an Ex-leper? (gets nothing, turns annoyed to the beggar next to
him.) Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any
change. Oh, here's a touch. --[Brian and his mum walk along the street.]
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
MANDY
Buzz off.
EX-LEPER
[Still following, hopping healthily] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper...
MANDY
A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.
EX-LEPER
Half a talent then.
MANDY
No, go away.
EX-LEPER
Come on, Bignose. Let's haggle. [running gag]
BRIAN
What?
EX-LEPER
All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel, I start at two
thousand, we close about eighteen hundred.
BRIAN
No.
EX-LEPER
Seventeen-fifty?
MANDY
Go away.
EX-LEPER
Seventeen-forty.
MANDY
Look. Will you leave him alone.
EX-LEPER
All right... two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MANDY
Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off.
EX-LEPER
All right, sir. My final offer: Half a shekel for an old ex-leper.
BRIAN
Did you say EX-leper?
EX-LEPER
That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN
Well what happened?
EX-LEPER
Oh, cured, sir.
BRIAN
Cured?
EX-LEPER
Yes, sir, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you.
BRIAN
Well, who cured you?
EX-LEPER
Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a
sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next
minute my livelihood gone, not so much as a buy your leave ... You're cured,
mate. Bloody do-gooder.
BRIAN
Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again?
EX-LEPER
Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that, I suppose. What I was
thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one
leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something beggable, but not
leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt, excuse my French sir,
but...
MANDY
Brian! Come and clean your room out.
BRIAN
There you are.
EX-LEPER
Thank you, sir, thank... (looks down) Half a dinari for me bloody life
story?!
BRIAN
There's no pleasing some people.
EX-LEPER
That's just what Jesus said, sir.
--[And he hops off.]
[Brian and Mum enter their (rather strikingly well-furbished) home to find a
Roman officer sitting down inside.]
MANDY
Oh.
OFFICER
Good afternoon.
MANDY
Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all right
dear?
BRIAN
What's HE doing here?
MANDY
Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.
BRIAN
Bloody Romans.
MANDY
Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have (indicates home) all
this, and don't you forget it.
BRIAN
We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.
MANDY
Ahh... That's not entirely true, is it, Brian?
BRIAN
What do you mean?
MANDY
Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh...
BRIAN
My nose?
MANDY
Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.
BRIAN
What is it?
MANDY
Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well,
Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
BRIAN
I never thought he was!
MANDY
Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the
Roman army.
BRIAN
You mean... you were raped?
MANDY
Well, at first, yes.
BRIAN
Who was he?
MANDY
Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did.
I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forum, slaves, asses' milk. As much
gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a
rat out of an aqueduct.
BRIAN
The bastard.
MANDY
Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody Romans, don't forget you're
one of them!
BRIAN
[In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.] I'm not a Roman, mum, and I
never will be! I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hook-nose; I'm kosher, mum!
I'm a red sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
MANDY
Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are you then,
officer?
--[She gives him a knock in the vitals.]
Caption: THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM
Caption: CHILDREN'S MATINEE
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen! The next contest is between... Big Goliath - The
Macedonian baby-crusher, and... Boris Feinburg.
--[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away a
dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the finger of a
body, and since she can't take it off, she slips the arm into her robes.]
BRIAN
[Roving the stands, holding a tray of dubious goodies]
Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes. Wolf
nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely. Dromedary pretzels,
only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats.
--[Elsewhere on the stands sit the terrorist organisation the People's
Front of Judea. On a higher step sits (left to right) Stan, Reg, and
Francis, while below them sits Judith.]
JUDITH
I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must reflect such
a divergence of interests within its power base.
REG
Agreed. Francis?
FRANCIS
Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the
movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man...
STAN
Or woman.
FRANCIS
...or woman. To rid himself...
STAN
Or herself.
FRANCIS
...or herself.
REG
Agreed.
FRANCIS
Thank you brother.
STAN
Or sister.
FRANCIS
...or sister. Where was I?
REG
I think you'd finished.
FRANCIS
Oh, right.
REG
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...
STAN
Or woman.
REG
Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
STAN
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS
Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN
I want to be one.
REG
What?
STAN
I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me Loretta.
REG
What???
LORETTA
It's my right as a man.
JUDITH
Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA
I want to have babies.
REG
You want to have babies?
LORETTA
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG
But you can't have babies!
LORETTA
Don't you oppress me.
REG
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus
going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
--[Loretta starts crying.]
JUDITH
Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have
babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the Romans',
but that he can have the RIGHT to have babies.
--[This seems to satisfy him.]
FRANCIS
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have
babies, brother! ... Sister, sorry.
REG
What's the point?
FRANCIS
What?
REG
What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have
babies?
FRANCIS
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
--[In the arena, Boris (a tiny little guy) is thrown out of an entrance. He
immediately crawls back.]
GUARD
Get out there. Get out there.
BORIS
It's um... It's dangerous out there. Ahaaaaaahh. Oh!
--[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is carrying
a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away from his opponent,
a professional gladiator who is weighed down by an armored arm. The crowd
is disgusted by such a poor show.]
GAIUS
What a load of rubbish.
BRIAN
[He approaches the PFJ with his tray of food.]
Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Ocelot spleens.
REG
You got any nuts?
BRIAN
Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's spleens.
REG
No, no, no.
BRIAN
Otter's noses?
REG
I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.
JUDITH
Why don't you sell proper food?
BRIAN
Proper food?
REG
Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tidbits.
BRIAN
Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff!
REG
All right. Bag of otter's noses then.
FRANCIS
Make it two.
REG
Two.
--[Brian hands them two bags.]
FRANCIS
Thanks, Reg.
BRIAN
Are you the Judean People's Front?
REG (pissed)
Fuck off!
BRIAN
What?
REG
Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's
front, caw.
FRANCIS
Wankers.
BRIAN
Can I join your group?
REG
No. Piss off.
BRIAN
I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans
as much as anybody.
PFJ
Ssssh. Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh!!
JUDITH
Are you sure?
BRIAN
Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already.
REG
Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the
Romans.
BRIAN
I do.
REG
Oh yeah? How much?
BRIAN
A LOT.
REG
Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are
the fucking Judean People's Front.
PFJ
Yeah.
JUDITH
Splitters.
FRANCIS
And the Judean Popular Peoples Front.
PFJ
Oh yeah. Splitters.
LORETTA
And the People's Front of Judea.
PFJ
Splitters.
REG
What?
LORETTA
The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
REG
We're the People's Front of Judea!
LORETTA
Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
REG
People's Front!
FRANCIS
Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
REG
He's over there.
--[A single old man sits on a lower seat.]
PFJ
[To the old man.]
SPLITTER!
GOLIATH
(panting) Oh. Oh. Oh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.
--[He falls dead.]
GAIUS
Absolutely dreadful. Humph.
--[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what he
thinks of them. Cheers erupt from the crowd.]
REG
Brother. Ha ha. What's your name?
BRIAN
Brian. Brian Cohen.
REG
We may have a little job for you, Brian.
--[fade to black]
--[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting something
on the wall. He does not, however, see a group of Roman guards approaching
from behind him, led by a Centurion who reads his writing.]
CENTURION
What's this then? 'ROMANES EUNT DOMUS.' People called Romanes, they go the
house?
BRIAN (frightened but beligerent)
It, it says 'Romans go home'.
CENTURION
No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
BRIAN
Aaaahh..
CENTURION
Come on.
BRIAN
Ah! Romanus?
CENTURION
Goes like?
BRIAN
Annus?
CENTURION
Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
BRIAN
Anni?
CENTURION
Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.] Eunt? What is eunt?
BRIAN
Go.
CENTURION
Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
BRIAN
Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
CENTURION
So eunt is?
BRIAN
Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
CENTURION
But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the?
--[The centurion lifts Brian by the sideburns...Ouch.]
BRIAN
The imperative.
CENTURION
Which is?
BRIAN
Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.
CENTURION
How many Romans?
BRIAN
Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
CENTURION
Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.] Domus? Nominative? 'Go
home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
BRIAN
Dative, sir.
--[The Centurion whips out his weapon, and prepares to slit Brian's throat.]
Ahh! No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh. The accusative
accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
CENTURION
Except that 'domus' takes the?
BRIAN
The locative, sir.
CENTURION
Which is?
BRIAN
Domum. Aagh! ah.
--[Again, the writing is amended.]
CENTURION
Domum... um... Understand?
BRIAN
Yes, sir.
CENTURION
Now write it out a hundred times.
BRIAN
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
CENTURION
Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
BRIAN
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir. Oh!
--[The Centurion walks off, leaving two sentries behind to guard him.]
--[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian has written the slogan all over the
front of the palace, in letters a hundred feet high.]
BRIAN (passing out)
Finished!
--[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points his
spear threateningly at Brian, and speaks.]
ROMAN SOLDIER STIG
Right. Now don't do it again.
--[The two walk off as Brian admires his handiwork. Unfortunately, another
group of guards come along, and realize what has been written. Brian sees
them, and scarpers. They give chase, careless of the citizens.]
INCONSEQUENTIAL
Hey! Bloody Romans.
--[Just as Brian starts to despair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over his
mouth, and drags him backwards into an alcove. When he is released he
recognizes his savior through the darkness... Judith.]
--[In the PFJ's official HQ, Francis stands pointing at a plan of Pilate's
palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other members and the
leaders from the Colosseum.]
FRANCIS
We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through into the
main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having
grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody, and
forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
--{Spot the dancing caterpillars}
XERXES
What exactly are the demands?
REG
We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman
imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.
MATTHIAS
Cut her head off?
FRANCIS
Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show them we're
not to be trifled with.
REG
And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop
her up, and that we shall NOT submit to blackmail!
--[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to their
foreheads.]
PFJ
No Blackmail!!
REG
They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. And not
just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.
LORETTA
And from our fathers', fathers', fathers.
REG
Yeah.
LORETTA
And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers.
REG
Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given
us in return?
XERXES
The aqueduct?
REG
What?
XERXES
The aqueduct.
REG
Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah.
UNNECESSARY
And sanitation.
LORETTA
Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.
REG
Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct, the sanitation are two things
the Romans have done...
MATTHIAS
And the roads.
REG
Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, don't
they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads...
VESTIGIAL
Irrigation.
XERXES
Medicine.
EXPENDABLE
Education.
REG
Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough...
SUPERFLUOUS
And the wine.
PFJ
Ohhhh yeah...
FRANCIS
Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left,
huh?
UNNEEDED
Public baths.
LORETTA
And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now, Reg.
FRANCIS
Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only ones
who could in a place like this! (indicating them)
PFJ
(general agreement)
REG (irritated)
All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine,
public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public
health... What have the Romans ever done for us?
XERXES
Brought peace?
REG
Oh, peace... SHADDAP!
--[There is a knock on the door, and all members of the PFJ hide perfectly-
under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in a shallow basket,
etc. Matthias sees that they have all hidden, and ambles over to the door.]
MATTHIAS
[singsong] I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent.
--[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.]
JUDITH
It's all right, Matthias.
MATTHIAS
It's all clear.
--[The two walk in, as the others emerge.]
JUDITH
Well, where's Reg?
FRANCIS
Oh Reg. Reg, it's Judith.
REG (popping out]
What went wrong?
JUDITH
The first blow has been struck.
REG
Did he finish the slogan?
JUDITH
A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace.
REG
Oh, great. Great. We-- we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before you
join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly suffer
death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
ONE
Uh.. well, one.
REG
Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?
BRIAN
Yes.
--[Again the PFJ salute, and Brian copies the movement.]
REG
From now on, you shall be called 'Brian that is called Brian.' Tell him
about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis.
FRANCIS
Right. This is the plan...
--[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis
dictates the plan]
FRANCIS VO
Now, this is the palace in Caesar's square. Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to the north-western
main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference.
Reg, our glorious leader, and founder of the PFJ, will be coordinating
consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in
any terrorist action, as he has a bad back.
--[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.]
BRIAN
Aren't you going to come with us?
REG
Solidarity, brother.
BRIAN
Oh, yes. Solidarity... Reg.
FRANCIS VO
Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast
later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear your best
sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus memorial sewer, and
from there, proceed directly to the hypervault. This has just been re-tiled,
so terrorists, careful with those weapons! We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chambers. This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his
prong.
--[A large hole is made in a unique spot in the mosaic on the floor above,
from which all the PFJ emerge, hearts pounding audibly. As the PFJ approach
a corner crouching, another group of rebels, the Campaign for a Free Galilee,
advance towards the other side.]
CFG 1
Ssssh.
CFG 2
Ssssh.
--[The two groups spot each other and relax. After a few confused moments,
the leader declares his group in a thick Welsh accent.]
DEADLY DIRK OF THE CFG
Campaign for a Free Galilee.
FRANCIS
Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials.
DEADLY DIRK
Oh.
FRANCIS
What's your group doing here?
DEADLY DIRK
We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.
FRANCIS
So are we.
DEADLY DIRK
What?
FRANCIS
That's our plan!
DEADLY DIRK
We were here first.
FRANCIS
What do you mean?!
DEADLY DIRK
We thought of it first.
PFJ MAN
Oh yeah?
DEADLY DIRK
Yes. A couple of years ago.
PFJ
Oh, yeah. Heh heh.
DEADLY DIRK
We did!
FRANCIS
Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out?
DEADLY DIRK
'Course we have.
FRANCIS
What are they?
DEADLY DIRK
Well, I'm not telling you.
FRANCIS
Oh, come on. Pull the other one!
VARIOUS
Shh!
DEADLY DIRK
That's not the point. We thought of it before you.
WARRIS
Did not.
DEADLY DIRK
We did.
FRANCIS
You didn't.
CFG
We bloody did!
VARIOUS
Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh.
DEADLY DIRK
You bastards, we've been planning this for months.
FRANCIS
Well, tough titty for you, fish face. AAAAGGH!
--[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.]
BRIAN
Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together!
FRANCIS
We are!
BRIAN
We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common
enemy!
ALL
The Judean People's Front !!
BRIAN
No. No. The Romans!
ALL
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
FRANCIS
Yeah. He's right.
SOMEONE
Look out!
NO ONE
Careful...
--[A Roman guard crosses the hall verrrry slowly.]
DEADLY DIRK
Right. Where were we?
FRANCIS
Uh, you were going to punch me.
DEADLY DIRK
Oh yeah.
--[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all
members of both groups except Brian basically killing each other. They walk
up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...]
BRIAN
Brothers!!! Oof!
--[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the palace
dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.]
FANG (THE JAILER)
[Throwing Brian into a cell] Heh heh heh. [spit]
BRIAN
Aagh!
FANG
Heh heh heh. [cough]
--[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.]
BEN
You lucky bastard.
BRIAN
Who's that?
--[As Brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a white-haired old
man chained up on the wall of the cell.]
BEN
You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN
What?
BEN
Proper little jailers' pet, aren't we?
BRIAN
What do you mean?
BEN
You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN
Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN
Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face... I sometimes hang awake
at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN
Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!
BEN
Manacles?! Ooh ooh oh oh. My idea of HEAVEN is to be allowed to be put in
manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your
arse, sonny.
BRIAN (on the defensive)
Oh, lay off me! I've had a hard time!
BEN
YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me up the
right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou...
BRIAN
All right, all right.
BEN
They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN
What will they do to me?
BEN
Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN
CRUCIFIXION ?!
BEN
Yeah. First offense?
BRIAN
Get away with crucifixion? It's...
BEN
Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN
WHAT?!!!
BEN
Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody
mess!
BRIAN
GUARD!
BEN
Nail 'em up, I say!
BRIAN
Guard!
BEN
Nail some sense into them!
--[Fang once again comes to the door.]
FANG
[cough cough] Whaddaya want?
BRIAN
I want you to move me to another cell.
FANG
Ha! [spit]
BRIAN
Aaaah!
BEN
Oh. Look at that. Bloody favouritism.
FANG
Shaddup, you.
BEN (smiling)
Sorry.
FANG
[Walking away.] Uggggh.
BEN (rattling on)
Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they
take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard
as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing else, it's taught me to
respect the Romans! And it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in
this life unless you're prepared to do a fair days work for a fair day's...
BRIAN
Oh, shut up!
FANG
Uuuuggh.
CENTURION
Pilate wants to see you.
BRIAN
Me?
CENTURION
Come on!
BRIAN
Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
CENTURION
I think he wants to know which way you want to be crucified.
BEN
Oh, ha ha ha ha, ha ha. Nice one, centurion, like it, like it.
CENTURION
Shut up!
BEN (smiling)
Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.
--[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there are
repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently the place is
also being re-decorated. A Designer stands talking to Pilate, until the
sound of marching feet are heard, and in walks the Centurion, with Brian
dragged in by two guards.]
PONTIUS PILATE
... Make one lawge living awea. Ahh.
CENTURION
Hail Caesar.
PILATE
Hail.
CENTURION
Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE
Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION
What, sir?
PILATE
Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION
Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown to the floor.]
BRIAN
Aagh!
PILATE
Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN
Brian, sir.
PILATE
Bwian, eh?
BRIAN
No, no. Brian. [The centurion whaps him across the head.] Aagh!
PILATE
Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION
Has what, sir?
PILATE
Spiwit.
CENTURION (half-smiling)
Yes, he did, sir.
PILATE
No, no, spiwit, siw... uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION
Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir.
PILATE (confused)
So. You dare to waid us.
BRIAN
To what sir?
PILATE
Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
--[The Centurion stwikes him vewwy woughly.]
BRIAN
Waah!
CENTURION
Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir?
PILATE
What?
CENTURION
Thwow him to the floor again, Sir?
PILATE
Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor please.
BRIAN
Aagh!
PILATE
Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
PILATE
A Woman?
BRIAN
No, no, Roman. [WHAP] Aagh!
PILATE
So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
BRIAN
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
PILATE
Weally? What was his name?
BRIAN
Nortius Maximus.
CENTURION
[laughs loudly, but catches himself at the sight of Pilate's stone face.]
PILATE
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION
Well no, sir.
PILATE
Well, you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked?
CENTURION
Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius Soddus,
or... uh, Biggus Dickus, sir.
GUARD 4
(snigger)
PILATE
What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
CENTURION
Well it's a joke name, sir.
PILATE
I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
GUARD 1
(Snigger)
PILATE
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in
gladiatow school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviow like that.
BRIAN
Can I go now sir? [WHAP] Aaaagh!
PILATE
Wait till Biggus Dickus heaws of this!
GUARD 4
[snigger]
PILATE
Wight! Take him away!
CENTURION
Oh sir, he -- he only--
PILATE
No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
CENTURION
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
-- [He leads the still-laughing guard away.]
PILATE
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
[his face turns sly] ...Anybody else feel like a little ... giggle... when I
mention my fwiend Biggus ... Dickus?
GUARD 1
[laughs hysterically]
--[He walks up to guard 2, and speaks exadurately to his face.]
PILATE
What about you?! Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus...
GUARD 2
Parp.
PILATE
... Dickus?
GUARDS 1 AND 2
[sniggering]
--[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).]
PILATE
He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called
Incontinentia.
--[longish pause]
Incontinentia Buttocks!
--[The Guards just crack up laughing.]
Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing
behaviow. Silence! You call yourself Pwaetonian guawds? You're not...
--[Bwian, sorry, Brian, seizes his chance, and scarpers.]
Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
--[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A Builder
sits at he top of it, slowly hammering away in the sun. He drops his hammer,
and slowly walks down the stairs.]
BUILDER
Hmm? Oh. [whistle]. [He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the
opposite direction] Sorry.
--[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it stops,
and he doesn't.]
BRIAN
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
--[Not at all surprisingly, a spaceship just happens to be passing by at
that time, and Brian just happens to fall into the cockpit
behind two Aliens.]
KLAATU
Aggz.
NIKTO
Rozak kaibak.
--[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit. Another ship starts
shooting at them. Very nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi crashes sidelong
into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.]
SIREN
Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah.
KLAATU
Agk! Grohtch. Ak!
--[A large circular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at them.
Tres bons sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and
heads back for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall. They crash at the
base of the unfinished tower and Brian walks away unscathed.]
EYEWITNESS
Oh, you lucky bastard.
--[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian, and the chase
resumes.]
DIRTY PROPHET
AND the BIZAN shall be HUGE and BLACK, and the eyes thereof RED with the
BLOOD of living creatures ! And the WHORE of Babylon shall RIDE forth on a
gray headed serpent, and throughout the lands there shall be a GRRRREAT
rubbing of parts. YEEEAH.
[The crowd is mesmerized... Next comes a prophet with a thick Northern Irish
accent , wearing robes and holding a staff.]
FALSE PROPHET
And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two, or five,
or seven- but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched sinners, sinners
just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on the head, with which he
will...
BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET
... Obadiah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours of things
going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things
really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things
wi-with the sort of raffier-work base, that has an attachment. At that time,
a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where
lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there
only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the
book of Cyril, that in that time...
--[Brian sees a troop of Romans, and quickly looks for a way of disguising
himself. He spots a beard selling stand, and heads for it. There, he meets
the shopkeeper from before, and picks up a fake beard.]
BRIAN
How much? Quick!
HARRY THE HAGGLER
What?
BRIAN
It's for the wife.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Oh. Uh... Twenty shekels.
BRIAN
Right.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
What?
BRIAN
There you are.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Wait a minute.
BRIAN
What?
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Well, we're, we're supposed to haggle.
BRIAN
No, no, I've got to get...
HARRY THE HAGGLER
What do you mean, no no no?
BRIAN
I haven't time, I've got ...
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Well, give it back then.
BRIAN
No, no, no I paid you.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Burt!
--[An immensely tall man stands up behind Brian, blocking his way out.]
BURT
Yeah?
HARRY THE HAGGLER
This bloke won't haggle.
BURT
Won't haggle???
BRIAN
All right... do we have to?
--[Burt disappears.]
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Now look. I want twenty for that.
BRIAN
I, I just gave you twenty.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
BRIAN
No.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.
BRIAN
All right, I'll give you nineteen then.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.
BRIAN
What?
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.
BRIAN
But you just said it was worth twenty.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Oh dear, oh dear. Come on. Haggle.
BRIAN
All right, I'll give you ten.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
That's more like it... Ten!? Are you trying to insult me? Me? With a poor
dying grandmother...Ten!?!
BRIAN
All right, I'll give you eleven.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Now you're getting it... Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost
me twelve. You want to ruin me?
BRIAN
Seventeen.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
No, no, no, no. Seventeen!
BRIAN
Eighteen?
HARRY THE HAGGLER
No, no. You go to fourteen now.
BRIAN
All right, I'll give you fourteen.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Fourteen, are you joking?
BRIAN
That's what you told me to say.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Oh dear.
BRIAN
Oh! Tell me what to say. Please.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Offer me fourteen.
BRIAN
I'll give you fourteen.
HARRY THE HAGGLER (to no one in particular)
He's offering me fourteen for this!
BRIAN
Fifteen.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.
BRIAN
Sixteen.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as
well. [Hands Brian a gourd.]
BRIAN
I don't want it, but thanks.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Burt!
BURT
Yeah?
BRIAN
All right, all right, all right.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Where's the sixteen you owe me?
BRIAN
I just gave you twenty.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Oh yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you then.
BRIAN
No, it's all right, that's fine, that's fine.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
No, I've got it here somewhere.
BRIAN
It's all right, that's four for the gourd.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Four for this gourd? Four !! Look at it, that's worth ten if it's worth a
shekel.
BRIAN
But you just gave it to me for nothing.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
Yes, but it's worth ten.
BRIAN
All right, all right.
HARRY THE HAGGLER
No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten, You're supposed to argue. Ten for that,
you must be mad ... [He notices Brian running.]
Ah, well. There's one born every minute.
--[Meanwhile, back at the PFJ HQ, they are reading a list of those who
perished in the failed raid.]
REG
Daniel.
LORETTA
Daniel.
REBEL
Job.
REG
Job.
LORETTA
Job.
REBEL
Joshua.
REG
Joshua.
LORETTA
Joshua.
REBEL
Judges.
REG
Judges.
LORETTA
Judges.
REBEL
and Brian.
REG
and Brian.
LORETTA
Brian.
REG
I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the
minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.
LORETTA
I second that, Reg.
REG
Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! Let us not be down-hearted. One
total catastrophe like this is just the beginning. Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in a...
MATTHIAS
Look out!
--[Brian walks in still wearing his beard and uncovers the others in their
hiding places.]
BRIAN
Hello? Matthias? Reg.
REG
Go away!
BRIAN
Hmm? Reg, it's me, Brian.
REG
Get off! Get off, out of it!
BRIAN
Stan!
LORETTA
Piss off.
ZUCCHINI
Yeah... piss off.
REG
Bugger off.
--[There is a loud knocking at the door.]
REG
Oh, shit!
MATTHIAS
Coming.
--[MATTHIAS signals Brian to hide out on the balcony. This he does, but it
moves ominously when he steps out onto it. Directly below him, he can see
the blandly accurate prophet from two scenes ago.]
BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET
Yea, verily at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah that a man
shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey, and anyone in the vicinity
of his nephew or the donkey...
MATTHIAS
[Walking to the door.] My eyes are dim, I cannot see.
--[He opens the door to show a Roman legion led by our very own Centurion.]
CENTURION
Are you Matthias?
MATTHIAS
Yes.
CENTURION
We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member
of the terrorist organisation, The People's Front of Judea.
MATTHIAS
Me? No. I am just a poor old man, I've no time for law-breakers. My legs are
gray, my ears are gnarled, my eyes are old and bent ...
CENTURION
Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house!
--[The rest of the legion march quickly and loudly into the house.]
You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
MATTHIAS
No.
CENTURION
Crucifixion.
MATTHIAS (uninterested)
Oh.
CENTURION
Nasty, eh?
MATTHIAS
Hm. Could be worse.
CENTURION
What do you mean 'could be worse'?
MATTHIAS
Well, you could be stabbed.
CENTURION
Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, 'orrible
death!
MATTHIAS
Well, at lest it gets you out in the open air.
CENTURION
You're weird.
--[The guards march back out.]
SERGEANT
No sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.
CENTURION
But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo. [He walks away.]
MATTHIAS
Big-nose.
CENTURION
Watch it!
MATTHIAS (closing door)
Phew. That was lucky.
--[The PFJ emerge from their hiding places.]
BRIAN
I'm sorry, Reg.
REG
Oh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the fifth legion
straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right then, Brian.
Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. YOU KLUTZ !!! You stupid,
bird-brained, flat-headed--
--[There is another knocking at the door. Everyone scarpers.]
BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET (outside)
...this great, big, juicy melon behind...
MATTHIAS
My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled... yes?
CENTURION
There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
--[The guards march back in.
MATTHIAS
I'm just a poor old man. My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is
knackered...
CENTURION
Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
MATTHIAS
Crucifixion's a doddle.
CENTURION
Don't keep saying that.
--[The guards march out again, the sergeant holding the wooden spoon used by
Francis earlier.]
SERGENT
Found this spoon, sir.
CENTURION
Well done, sergeant. We'll be back... oddball.
--[Everyone inside relaxes again. Immediately, there is another knock.]
Open up!
MATTHIAS
You haven't given us time to hide.
--[The balcony finally gives up its desperate struggle for survival, and
Brian falls on top of the accurate prophet.]
BRIAN
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
BLANDLY ACCURATE
... the nephew or the donkey... Wha? Whooooooah!
--[The prophet gets knocked off his podium into a large jug, and Brian is
left standing there. The crowd applauds. The crowd of five and also a Roman
soldier look up expectantly at Brian. He looks around at the other prophets
for inspiration.]
FALSE PROPHET
...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike...
DIRTY PROPHET
...Time when we all come together, and go...
PROPHET IN WHITE
...And holes for the...
PROPHET IN BLACK
...Jumbo jets...
PROPHET IN WHITE
...every bitch how you got germs from...
PROPHET IN BLACK
...fly up near the...
--[He decides there's nothing to do but start preaching, or he'll be seen as
an imposter. He starts speaking to his audience.]
BRIAN
Don't you, uh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged
yourself.
COLIN
What?
BRIAN
I said don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged
too.
COLIN
Who, me?
BRIAN
Yes.
COLIN
Oh. Oh. Thank you very much.
BRIAN
Well, not just you. All of you.
DENNIS
That's a nice gourd.
BRIAN
What?
DENNIS
How much do you want for the gourd?
BRIAN
I don't. You can have it.
DENNIS
Have it?
BRIAN
Yes. Consider the lilies...
DENNIS
Don't you want to haggle?
BRIAN
No... in the fields.
DENNIS
What's wrong with it then?
BRIAN
Nothing. Take it.
ELSIE
Consider the lilies?
BRIAN
Uh, well, the birds then.
EDDIE
What birds?
BRIAN
Any birds.
EDDIE
Why?
BRIAN
Well, have they got jobs?
EDDIE
Who?
BRIAN
The birds.
EDDIE
Have the birds got jobs?!?
--[A man passing by hears them giving out and joins in.]
FRANK
What's the matter with him?
ARTHUR
He says the birds are scrounging.
BRIAN
Oh, uh, look. The point is that they do all right, don't they?
FRANK
Well good luck to 'em.
EDDIE
Yeah. They're very pretty.
BRIAN
O-kay! And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are you
worrying about? There you are, see?
EDDIE
I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.
BRIAN
I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.
ARTHUR
He's having a go at the flowers now!
EDDIE
Oh, give the flowers a chance.
DENNIS
I'll give you one for it.
BRIAN
It's yours.
DENNIS
Two, then.
BRIAN
Look, there was this man, and he had two servants...
ARTHUR
What were they called?
BRIAN
What?
ARTHUR
What were their names?
BRIAN
I don't know. And he gave them some talents.
EDDIE
You don't know?!?
BRIAN
Well, it doesn't matter!
ARTHUR
He doesn't know what they were called.
BRIAN
Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now--
ARTHUR
Oh! You said you didn't know!
BRIAN
It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants.
ARTHUR
He's making it up as he goes along!
BRIAN
No I'm not! And he gave them some talen... wait a minute, were there three?
EDDIE
Oh, he's terrible!
ARTHUR
Thbbbt!
BRIAN
There were three. They were-- they were st-- stewards, really.
ELSIE
Ah, get off!
--[Just as it couldn't get worse, along comes the Roman legion who have by
now finished searching Matthias' house.]
BRIAN
Oh! Eh, uzwuh, uh, b-b... Now. Now hear this! Blessed are they...
DENNIS
Three.
BRIAN
... who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth.
TRASH
Rubbish!
BRIAN
And to them only shall be given ... to them only ... shall ... be ... given.
--[The Romans pass.]
ELSIE
What?
BRIAN
Hmm?
ELSIE
Shall be given what?
BRIAN
Oh, nothing.
ELSIE
What were you going to say?
BRIAN
Nothing.
ARTHUR AND FRANK
Yes you were.
ELSIE
Yes, you were going to say something.
BRIAN
No I wasn't. I'd finished.
ELSIE
Oh no you weren't.
ARTHUR
Oh, tell us before you go.
BRIAN
I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.
ELSIE
No you hadn't.
BLIND MAN
What won't he tell?
EDDIE
He won't say.
BLIND MAN
Is it a secret?
BRIAN
No.
BLIND MAN
Is it?
EDDIE
Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
ARTHUR
Oh, tell us the secret.
BRIAN
Leave me alone.
SNIPE
What is this secret?
--[A woman comes pushing through the crowd. His newest convert.]
MOUSE
Is it the secret of eternal life?
EDDIE
He won't say!
ARTHUR
Well of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
SNIPE
No.
BRIAN
Leave me alone.
MOUSE
Just tell me, please!
ARTHUR
No, tell us, master. We were here first.
MOUSE
Tell us. Tell us, master.
DENNIS
Five.
BRIAN
Oh, go away.
DENNIS
I can't go above five.
MOUSE
Tell -- Is that His gourd?
DENNIS
Yes, but it's under offer.
MOUSE
This is His gourd!
DENNIS
Ten!
MOUSE
It is His gourd. We will carry it for you, master. Master?
SNIPE
He's gone! He's been taken up!
MOUSE
[gasp]
FOLLOWERS
He's been taken up !!
BEGGAR
Eighteen!
ARTHUR
No. There he is. Over there.
FOLLOWERS
Oh, yeah. Master! Master! ...
--[As Brian runs out of the city, one of his shoes falls off. His followers
stop, and Follower 5 picks it up.]
ARTHUR
He has given us a sign!
SHOE FOLLOWER
He has given us... a shoe!
ARTHUR
The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example.
SPIKE
What?
ARTHUR
Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot for
this is His sign, and all who follow Him shall do likewise.
EDDIE
Yes.
SHOE FOLLOWER
No no no.
SNIPE
No.
SHOE FOLLOWER
The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in a bundle.
MOUSE
Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd.
SPIKE
Aye. What?
SHOE FOLLOWER
No. Let us gather shoes together. Let me...
ELSIE
Get off!
SNIPE
No, no. It is a sign that like him, we must think not of things of the body,
but of the face, and head.
SHOE FOLLOWER
Give me your shoe.
SNIPE
Get off!
MOUSE
Follow the gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem.
FOLLOWER
The gourd!
HARRY
Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us.
ARTHUR
It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
HARRY
It is a sandal!
ARTHUR
No, it isn't!
MOUSE
Cast it away!
ARTHUR
Put it on!
SNIPE
Clear off!
SHOE FOLLOWER
Take the shoes and follow him!
MOUSE
Come, all ye who call yourself Gourdenes!
--[One man is left behind. He doesn't realize that everyone is leaving him,
so he starts talking.]
SPIKE
No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Let us. Let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the
seed to the grain.
--[He then realizes he's alone, so he walks off, embarrassed. Now comes yet
another of the wonderful chase scenes through the countryside.]
FOLLOWERS
MASTER!!! MASTER!!!
--[Goats bray. Brian comes upon a hole {Hmm. Stop thinking that, you naughty
person! You know wot I mean.} with a hermit in it. {I said stop that!}]
BRIAN
Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river?
SIMON THE HOLY MAN
Mmmmm. Mmmmm!
BRIAN
Please, please help me. I've got to get...
--[He sees everyone following him, so he jumps into the hole to hide.]
SIMON
Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.] OH my foot!!! Oh!
BRIAN
Ssssh.
SIMON
Oh, Damn, damn, damn!
BRIAN
I'm sorry! Ssssh.
SIMON
Oh, damn, damn, and blast it!
BRIAN
I'm sorry! Ssssh.
SIMON
Don't you 'Ssssh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Ssssh me!
BRIAN
What?
SIMON
I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognizable articulate
sound has passed my lips.
BRIAN
Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes?
SIMON
Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the
last eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my name out!
BRIAN
Ssssh.
--[He starts getting happy, jumping up and down, while Brian tries to stop
him.]
SIMON
Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! Hava Nagila! Hava
the relinq--... oh!
--[He sees everyone. They see him, and run over to the hole.]
FOLLOWERS
Master! The Master! Master! Master!...
SHOE FOLLOWER
The Master! Aha. He is here!
FRANK
Master!
FOLLOWERS
The shoe!...
ARTHUR
The shoe has brought us here!
ARTHUR and HARRY
Speak!
FOLLOWERS
Ssssh.
ARTHUR
Speak to us master, speak to us.
BRIAN
Go away!
FOLLOWERS
A blessing! A blessing!
ARTHUR
How shall we go away, Master?!
BRIAN
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!
SHOE FOLLOWER
Give us a sign!
ARTHUR
He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place!
BRIAN
I didn't bring you here, you just followed me.
SHOE FOLLOWER
Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.
ARTHUR
Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They are
weary, and have not eaten.
BRIAN
It's not my fault they haven't eaten.
ARTHUR
There is no food in this high mountain.
BRIAN
Well what about the juniper bushes over there.
FOLLOWERS
[Gasp!] A miracle! A miracle!
--[A few of them go over to the bushes to eat.]
SHOE FOLLOWER
He has made the bush fruitful by His word.
SNIPE
They have brought forth juniper berries!
BRIAN
Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes!
What do you expect?
ELSIE
Show us another miracle!
ARTHUR
Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes
enough?
SIMON
I say. Those are my juniper bushes.
ARTHUR
They are a gift from God!
SIMON
They're all I've bloody got to eat. [He jumps up naked out of his hole, and
starts chasing people away.] Ugn. I say. Get off those bushes. Go on. Clear
off, the lot of you!
HARRY
Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.
BLIND MAN
I am healed! The master has healed me!
BRIAN
I didn't touch him!
BLIND MAN
I was blind, and now I can see! Oh!
--[The blind man throws away his cane, and steps forward... right into the
hole. Nobody notices.]
FOLLOWERS
A miracle! A miracle!
SIMON
[After coming back to Brian.]
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years 'till he came
along.
FOLLOWERS
A miracle! He is the Messiah!
SIMON
Well, he hurt my foot!
FOLLOWERS
Hurt my foot lord, hurt mine.
ARTHUR
Hail, messiah.
--[They all get down on their knees.]
BRIAN
I'm not the messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you
understand?! Honestly!
ARTHUR
I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few.
FOLLOWERS
Hail messiah!
BRIAN
I'm not the messiah, would you please listen! I'm not the messiah, do you
understand? Honestly!
MOUSE
Only the true messiah denies his divinity.
BRIAN
What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I AM the
messiah.
FOLLOWERS
He IS! He IS the messiah!
--[They prostrate themselves in front of him.]
BRIAN
Now fuck off!
--[longish pause]
ARTHUR
How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?
BRIAN
Oh just go away! Leave me alone!
SIMON
You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up on my juniper
bushes!
BRIAN
Oh, lay off.
ARTHUR
This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
SIMON (strangling Brian)
No he's not.
BRIAN
Aaaagh!
ARTHUR
An unbeliever!
FOLLOWERS
An unbeliever!
ARTHUR
Persecute! Kill the heretic!
--[They pick him up and carry him off. =(]
FOLLOWERS
Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!...
BRIAN (sighing)
Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!
--[One person is left behind.]
JUDITH
Brian?
BRIAN
Judith??
--[The next day dawns over Jerusalem. A rooster crows. Brian wakes up to
find Judith lying beside him. He smiles to himself and walks still naked
over to the window, which he throws open to take a good deep breath of fresh
air.]
CROWD
LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS AWOKEN!
--[The street outside his window is filled with his followers. He slams the
shutters closed immediately. Then, as if it weren't bad enough, his mum
starts knocking at the door.]
BRIAN
Eeech!
MANDY
Brian!
--[He struggles to get dressed, just as she kicks the door down.]
BRIAN
Uh. Oooh. Uh. Mother. Oooh. Ah.
MANDY
Brian!
BRIAN
Hang on mother. Ssssh.
--[She does her super-hero impression.]
Hello mother.
MANDY
Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?
BRIAN
Oh, uh. I... well, I uh...
MANDY
Come on. What have you been up to, my lad?
BRIAN
Well, I think they must have popped by for something.
MANDY
Popped by? Swarmed by, more like. There's a multitude out there.
BRIAN
Um. They, they started following me yesterday.
MANDY
Well, they can stop following you right now! [She walks over to the window
and addresses the crowd outside.] Now stop following my son! You ought to
be ashamed of yourselves.
CROWD
THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH! SHOW US THE MESSIAH!
MANDY
The who?
CROWD
THE MESSIAH.
MANDY
There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah. Now go
away.
CROWD
BRIAN! BRIAN!
MANDY
Right, my lad. What have you been up to?
BRIAN
Nothing mum, uh...
--[She starts backing him into a corner.]
MANDY
Come on. Out with it.
BRIAN
They think I'm the messiah, mum.
--[Whap]
MANDY
Now what have you been telling them?
BRIAN
Nothing, I only...
MANDY
You're only making it worse for yourself.
BRIAN
Look, I can explain...
--[She hits him again.]
JUDITH
No! Let ME explain, Mrs. Cohen!
--[She turns around to see a naked Judith standing behind her, apparently
about to explain everything. {I'm sure she feels a whole lot more
comfortable about it all now!}] Your son is a born leader. Those people out
there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They
believe he can give them hope. Hope of a new life, a new world, a better
future!
--[longish pause]
MANDY
Who's THAT?
BRIAN
Oooh! It's Judith, mum. Judith, mother. Mmm. Waaaaaaaaah!
--[As Brian gets hit again, Judith runs over to protect him]
MANDY
Oooooooh! [She goes over to the window.]
CROWD
THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH.
SHOW US THE MESSIAH.
MANDY
Now you listen here. He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Now go
away!
CROWD
WHO ARE YOU?
MANDY
I'm his mother, that's who.
CROWD
BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! HAIL TO THEE, MOTHER OF BRIAN. BLESSED
ART THOU, HOSANNAH! ALL PRAISE TO THEE, NOW AND ALWAYS!!!
MANDY (running fingers through her hair)
Aaaaah. Now don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming
out, and that's my final word. Now shove off!
CROWD
NO!
MANDY
Did you hear what I said?
CROWD
YES!
MANDY
Oh. I see. It's like that, is it?
CROWD
YES!
MANDY
Aaaah, well, all right then. You can see him for one minute, but not one
econd more. Do you understand?
CROWD
YES.
MANDY
Promise?
CROWD
WELL.... ALL RIGHT.
MANDY
All right. Here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.
BRIAN
But mum. Judith.
MANDY
Now leave that Welsh tart alone.
--[She drags him out to address the crowd.]
BRIAN
But I don't really want to, mum.
CROWD
BRIAN! BRIAN!
BRIAN
Er, good morning.
CROWD
A BLESSING! A BLESSING! A BLESSING!
BRIAN
No, no. Please, please, please listen. I've got one or two things to say.
CROWD
TELL US! TELL US BOTH OF THEM.
BRIAN
Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't NEED
to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all
individuals.
CROWD
YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!
BRIAN
You're all different.
CROWD
YES. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
DENNIS
I'm not.
CROWD
Ssssh. Ssssh.
BRIAN
You've all got to work it our for yourselves.
CROWD
YES. WE'VE GOT TO WORK IT OUT FOR OURSELVES.
BRIAN
Exactly.
CROWD
TELL US MORE!
BRIAN
No. That's the point. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.
--[Mum comes out 1 minute, 6 seconds later.]
Otherwise... Ow! No!
MANDY
Come on Brian. That's enough, that's enough.
CROWD
OOOOOH! THAT WASN'T A MINUTE.
MANDY
Oh yes it was.
CROWD
OH NO IT WASN'T!
MANDY
Now stop that, and go away.
SNIPE
Excuse me.
MANDY
Yes?
SNIPE
Are you a virgin?
MANDY
I beg your pardon?!?
SNIPE
Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
MANDY
If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now
piss off!
SNIPE
She is.
CROWD
Yeah. Must be... she is. Definitely.
--[Brian leaves his room, to find a large number of apparently sick people
in the next room]
REG
'Morning, Saviour.
--[As the manager leads him through the room, various people approach him.]
SICK WOMAN
Lay your hands on me, quick.
FRANCIS
Now don't jostle the chosen one, please.
SICK BABY
Waaah!
REG
Don't push that baby in the savior's face, you'll have 'til later.
GREGORY
I say. I say. Could He just see my wife... she has a headache.
REG
You'll have to wait, I'm afraid.
GREGORY
It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.
REG
Look, the lepers are queuing.
GREGORY
Her brother-in-law's the ex-mayor of God.
REG
Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mount on
Sunday?
MR. PAPADOPOULOS [thick Liverpudlian accent]
Hello.
FRANCIS
Don't push!
--[Brian leaves and sits down on the steps outside his house, away from all
the hassle.]
REG
And keep the noise down, please? Those possessed by devils try and keep them
under control a bit, can't you? Ah... Incurables? You'll just have to wait
for a few minutes. Ah. Women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will
you?
--[Judith come out and enthusiastically joins him.]
JUDITH
Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!
BRIAN
You weren't so bad yourself.
JUDITH
No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary.
BRIAN
What? Oh, that. Was it?
JUDITH
We don't need any leaders, You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for
too long.
BRIAN
Well, yes.
JUDITH
It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.
BRIAN
You're... very attractive.
JUDITH
It's OUR revolution. We can all do it together.
BRIAN
I think, I think...
JUDITH
We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands.
BRIAN
What? No, that's not what I meant at all...
--[A hand slaps onto his shoulder.]
CENTURION
You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.
--[As Brian gets led off, Judith, not knowing what to do, viciously attacks
the centurion.]
Stop it.
--[Brian is brought back to Pilate's palace.]
PILATE
Well Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.
BRIAN
[Almost bored, and resigned.] A what? [Whap] Aaaaah.
PILATE
This time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard. Do we have any
crucifixions today?
GUARD
'Hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration, Passover sir.
PILATE
Wight. Now we have a hundred and forty. Nice wound number, eh Bigus?
--[We now see Bigus Dickus lying on a couch. You can't see if he, um, does.]
BIGUS DICKUS
Hmm.
--[The Centurion walks in from the balcony, where we can hear a rather
restless crowd.]
CENTURION
Hail Caesar.
PILATE
Hail.
CENTURION
The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse
them, please.
PILATE
Dispewse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.
CENTURION
Ah, no, I know sir, but..
PILATE
My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover! My fwiend, Bigus
Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it.
CENTURION
Hail Caesar.
BIGUS DICKUS
Hail Theathar.
CENTURION
You're not... (thinks) Ah, you're not eh, thinking of giving it a miss this
year then, sir?
PILATE
Give it a miss?
CENTURION
Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.
PILATE
Weally, centuwion. I'm suwpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble
of wowdy webels.
CENTURIAN DAVE
{He's really slagging the shit out of poor Pilate.}
Ahh.. a bit thundery, sir.
PILATE
Take him away.
BRIAN
I'm a Roman. Ah, I can prove it, honestly.
PILATE
And cwucify him well, Bigus.
CENTURION
Ah... I, I really wouldn't, sir.
PILATE
Out of the way, centurion.
BIGUS DICKUS
Let me come with you, Ponthiuth. I may be of thum athithtanth if there ith a
thudden crithith.
--[A look of despair comes over the centurion's face. He rushes to their
aid.]
--[Meanwhile, back at the HQ.]
REG
Right, now, eh. Item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next
five years. Eh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.
FRANCIS
Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is
optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve
months.
REG
Twelve months?
FRANCIS
Yeah. Twelve months. And let's face it... as empires go, this is the big
one, so we've got to get up of our arses, and stop just talking about it.
PFJ
Hear hear!
LORETTA
I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.
PFJ
Hear hear!
REG
You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions,
making clever speeches, it's not going to shift one Roman soldier.
FRANCIS
So let's just stop gabbing on about it, it's completely pointless, and it's
getting us nowhere.
PFJ
Right.
LORETTA
I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
--[Judith runs in, panicked.]
JUDITH
They've arrested Brian!!
PFJ
What?
JUDITH
They've dragged him off. They're going to crucify him.
REG
Right. This calls for immediate discussion!
JUDITH
What?!?
REGULAR
Immediate.
DIET
Right.
LORETTA
New motion?
REG
Completely new motion. Eh, That, ah. That there be, ah, immediate action...
FRANCIS
... ah, once the vote has been taken.
REG
Well, obviously once the vote has been taken, you can't act on a resolution
'till you've voted on it!
JUDITH
Reg, for God's sake, let's go now, please!
REG
Yeah, yeah. Right, right. In the, in the light of fresh information from,
ah, sibling Judith.
LORETTA
[taking notes] Ah, not so fast, Reg.
JUDITH
Reg, for God's sake. It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is to go
out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans nailing him up. It's
happening, Reg! Something's actually HAPPENING, Reg! Can't you understand?
Yaaargh! [She rushes out in a rage.]
FRANCIS
Oh. Oh dear.
REG
Hello... and a little ego-trip for the feminists.
LORETTA
What?
REG
Ah, oh, sorry, Loretta. Ah, read that back, would you?
--[In the prisons, a Roman and two jailers stand, with a large queue up to
them.]
NISUS WETTUS
Next. Crucifixion?
DOOMED
Yes.
NISUS
Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?
ALSO DOOMED
Yes.
NISUS
Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?
CHEEKY
Eh? No, freedom.
NISUS
What?
CHEEKY
Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and
live on an island somewhere.
NISUS
Oh? Oh, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then!
CHEEKY
Naah. I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really.
NISUS
Oho, I see. Very good very good. Well, out of the door...
CHEEKY
[cheerily] Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on
the left.
NISUS
Line on the left, yes. Thank you. Crucifixion? Good.
--[A fanfare welcomes Pilate. Cheers from the crowd.]
PILATE
People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend.
CROWD
(laughter)
PILATE
To pwove ouw fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a
wongdower fwom ow pwisons.
CROWD
(laughter)
SENTRY
(snigger)
--[Bigus and the Centurian stare at him.]
PILATE
Whom would you have me welease?
MAN
Welease Woger!
CROWD
Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! (laughter)
PILATE
Vewwy well. I shall welease woger!
CROWD
(cheers)
CENTURION
Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir.
PILATE
What?
CENTURION
Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
PILATE
Ah. We have no Woger.
CROWD
AWWWW...
MAN
Well, what about Wodewick then?
CROWD
Yeah. WELEASE WODEWICK! WELEASE WODEWICK!
PILATE
Centurion. Why do they ... titter so?
CENTURION
Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir.
PILATE
Are they... swagging me?
CENTURION
Oh, no, sir!
SENTRY
(chortle)
PILATE
Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewick !
CROWD
(laughter)
CENTURION
Sir, we don't have a Roderick either.
PILATE
No Woger, no Wodewick.
CENTURION
Sorry, sir.
PILATE
Who is the Wog... Who is the Wodewick to whom you wefer?
MAN 1
He's a wobber.
CROWD
(laughter)
MAN 2
And a wapist.
CROWD
(laughter)
WOMAN
... and a pickpocket!
CROWD
Ssssssh.
PILATE
He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
CENTURION
We haven't got him, sir.
PILATE
Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all?
CENTURION
Oh yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir.
PILATE
Samson?
CENTURION
Samson the Saggisea strangler, sir. Ah, Silas the Assyrian Assassin. Ah,
several seditious scribes from Ceaserea, ah... sixty-seven seers from...
BIGUS DICKUS
Let me thpeak to them, Ponthiuth.
CENTURION
Oh, NO.
PILATE
Ah. Good idea, Bigus.
BIGUS DICKUS
Thitizenth. We have Thamthon the Thaggithea thtrangler, Thilas the Athyrian
Athathin, theveral thadiciouth thcribeth from Theatherea...
--[Back in the prisons.]
NISUS
Next. Ah. Crucifixion?
EQUALLY DOOMED
Yes.
NISUS
Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?
BRIAN
Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
NISUS
Just a moment, would you? Jailer. How many have come through?
FANG
What?
NISUS
Uh... how many have come through?
FANG
What?
TOENAIL
Uh, Y-y-y-you'll have to s-s-spea s-s-s-sp s-s-s-sp s-s-speak up a-a bit,
sir. He's-he's-he's-he's de. He's-he's-he's-dea. He's-he's-he's deaf as a,
deaf as a p-p-post, sir.
NISUS
Eh... HOW MANY HAVE COME THROUGH ??!!
FANG
Heh heh heh heh. Heh heh heh heh. Nyeh heh heh heh.
NISUS
Oh dear.
TOENAIL
I make it ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety six,
sir.
NISUS
It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?
TOENAIL
N-n-n-n-NO, sir. Not for these b-b-BASTARDS, sir. C-crrr-crrrr-
crrrrcrrrrucifixion's too good for them, sir.
NISUS
I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's, it's very nasty.
TOENAIL
Well, it's not as n-n-n-na na na. Not as nasty as something I just thought
up, sir.
NISUS
No. Uh, now, um. Crucifixion.
BRIAN
Is there someone I can speak to?
NISUS
Well...
FANG (nuzzling him affectionately)
I know where to get it, if you want it.
NISUS
What?
TOENAIL
Don't worry about hi-hi-him, sir. He-he's de. He's de. He's deaf and
Mmmmmmmmmad, sir.
NISUS
Well how did he get the job?
TOENAIL
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.
FANG
Hehheh.
CHEEKY
Get a move on, Bignose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here.
Ha ha!
BRIAN
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
NISUS
Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
BRIAN
No, but I'm a Roman.
CHEEKY
How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time!
--[Another centurion stands outside guarding the prisoners.]
PARVUS
Shut up, you.
CHEEKY
Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humor. Oh!
NISUS
I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left? One
cross each. Now...
CROWD
(roaring laughter)
BIGUS DICKUS
Wath it thomething I thaid?
PILATE
Silence! This man commands the cwack legions!
CROWD
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!
PILATE
He wanks as high as any in Wome!!
CROWD
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!
--[Outside the prisons, Nisus addresses the crucifees-to-be.]
NISUS
Crucifixion Party. Morning. Now. We will be on show as we go through the
town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good straight line. Three
lengths between you and the man in front, and a good steady pace. Crosses
over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the
crossbeam, you'll be there in no time.
ALFONSO
Oooooooh.
NISUS
Heh. All right, centurion.
PARVUS
Crucifixion Party!
--[Some of them stumble forward.]
Wait for it... Crucifixion party, by the left. Forward!
--[They start moving, slowly. We can see old Ben hanging upside-down... but
at least he has a view out a grate.]
BEN
You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!
--[A man selling candle-crosses pities the poor bastards.]
SAINTLY PASSER-BY
Let me shoulder your burden, brother. [He takes the cross.]
ALFONSO
Oh, thank you.
SAINTLY PASSER-BY
H-hey!
PARVUS
[To the Saintly Passer-By, who's turning around to watch Alfonso run off.]
Oy! What do you think you're doing?
SAINTLY PASSER-BY
Ah, i-it's not my cross.
PARVUS
Shut up, and get on with it!
CHEEKY
Ahahaha! He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach you a
lesson. Ooohoohoo!
PILATE
All right. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to heaw no
Wubens. No Weginalds. No Wudolf the wed-nosed weindeers.
BIGUS DICKUS
No Thpenther Trathies.
PILATE
... or we shall welease no-one.
JUDITH
Release Brian!!
BOB
Oh yeah. That's a good one. WELEASE BWIAN!
CROWD
WELEASE BWIAN! WELEASE BWIAN! AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!
PILATE
Vewwy well. That's it!
CENTURION
Sir. We uh. We have got a Brian, sir.
PILATE
What?
CENTURION
You just sent him for crucifixion, sir.
PILATE
Uh. Ah, wait, wait. We do have a Bwian. Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight
away.
CENTURION (satisfied)
Yes sir. Yes sir.
PILATE
Vewwy well. I shall welease Bwian!!!
---
PARVUS
Get a move on there.
CHEEKY
Or what?
PARVUS
Or you'll be in trouble!
CHEEKY
Oh dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the
afternoons?
PARVUS
Shut up!
CHEEKY
That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have naffing to do!
[whips him]
Oh, thank you.
--[The Centurion has run down to the prison.]
CENTURION
Have they gone?
FANG
W-we've got lumps of it round the back-k.
CENTURION
What?
TOENAIL
Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's M. He's mmmmmmmmmmmmmm he's mad, sir.
CENTURION
Have they gone?!?!
TOENAIL
Oh, Ye.. nnnn.. Nuh. Nuh. Nuh.
FANG
Heheheh.
TOENAIL
Nnnnnnnn...
CENTURION
Oh, come on! [leaves]
TOENAIL
Nnnnnnnyes, sir.
--[they turn to each other.]
Anyway. Get on with the story.
FANG
Well, I knew she never really liked him, so I kiss--
--[At the PF HQ.]
REG
Right. That's the motion to get on with it, passed with, uh, one abstention.
I now propose that we go without further ado. May I have a seconder for...
FRANCIS
Let's just go.
REG
Yeah, all right.
--[They go.]
--[Brian, feverish from the heat, staggers forward to see the crosses that
are already up.]
--[The centurion runs through the streets.]
BEGGAR
Bloody Romans!
CENTURION
Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.
--[The prisoners are now being strung up.]
PARVUS
Up you go, Bignose!
BIGNOSE
I'll get you for this, you bastard.
PARVUS
Oh yeah?
BIGNOSE
Oh yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
PARVUS
No?
BIGNOSE
I warn you, I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
PARVUS
Shut up, you Jewish turd.
BIGNOSE
Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish... I'm a Samaritan.
GREGORY
A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
PARVUS
It doesn't matter... you're all going to die in a day or two.
GREGORY
It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us, doesn't it,
darling?
MRS. GREGORY
Oh, rathER.
GREGORY
Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a
purely Jewish area.
PHARISEE
Pharisees separate from Sadducees.
WELSH MAN
And Swedish separate from Welsh.
VICTIMS
Yeah...
PARVUS
All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this. Hands up all
those who don't want to be crucified here.
--[They can't move their arms]
Right. NEXT!
SAINTLY PASSER-BY
Ah, look, it's not my cross.
PARVUS
What?
SAINTLY PASSER-BY
Um. It's not my cross. I was ah, holding it for someone.
PARVUS
Just lie down. I haven't got all day.
SAINTLY PASSER-BY
No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss...
PARVUS
Look. We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and forty of you lot to get
up.
GREGORY
Is HE Jewish?
PARVUS
Will you be quiet!
GREGORY
We don't want any more Samaritans around here.
PARVUS
BELT UP!
SAINTLY PASSER-BY
Look, uh. Will you let me down if he comes back?
PARVUS
Yeah, yeah. We'll let you down. Next.
BRIAN
You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.
PARVUS
I like orders.
--[As Brian gets put up, we see the PFJ (officials) walking through the
streets.]
CHEEKY
See. Not so bad, once you're up. Yer being rescued then, are you?
BRIAN
It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
CHEEKY
Oh, no, no. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots
of people get rescued.
BRIAN
Huh?
CHEEKY
Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for
more than twenty minutes. Huh. Randy little bugger... up and down like the
Assyrian empire. (chuckles)
--[The PFJ arrive.]
Hello. Your family arrived then?
BRIAN
Reg.
REG
Hello, sibling Brian.
BRIAN
Thank God you've come, Reg.
REG
Aagh, yes well I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness that
we are not in fact the rescue committee, however I have been asked to read
the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement. We, the People's
Front of Judea (brackets, officials, end brackets) do hereby convey our
sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian; on this, the
occasion of your martyrdom.
BRIAN
WHAT?!
REG
Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate
the parentland from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding
those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education,
viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of
both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the PFJ, etc. And I would
just like to add on a personal note my own admiration for what you are doing
for us, Brian. And what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time.
BRIAN
Reg! What are you going to do?
REG
Goodbye Brian, and thanks.
--[They start walking away.]
FRANCIS
Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.
LORETTA
Terrific work, Brian.
--[Once they've got a short way off, they stop, and take a vote.]
REBEL
Yeah, all right.
REG
Yeah. And...
PFJ
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
And so say all of us.
LORETTA
... and so say all of...
--[Reg nudges him to shut up, and they all start clapping.]
BRIAN
You bastards! You bastards!
CENTURION
Where is Brian of Nazareth?
--[In his shouting, Brian can't hear him.]
BRIAN
You sanctimonious bastards.
CENTURION
I have an order for his release.
BRIAN
You stupid bastards!
CHEEKY
Uh, I'M Brian of Nazareth.
BRIAN
WHAT?!?
CHEEKY
Yeah. I-I'm Brian of Nazareth.
CENTURION
Take him down.
BRIAN
I'M Brian of Nazareth.
OTHER
I'm Brian.
BIGNOSE
I'm Brian.
ALSO
I'm Brian.
BRIAN
I'M Brian!
VARIOUS
I'm Brian.
GREGORY
I'm Brian and so's my wife.
VICTIMS
I'm Brian!
CENTURION
All right. Take him away, and release him.
--[He gets taken down, and carried off.]
CHEEKY
Naah. I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No. I'm not Brian. No,
leave... let go! I'm only pulling your leg. It's a joke! I'm not him, I'm
just having you on. Put me back!!! No, let go!...
--[A group of faux oriental-looking warriors come over a hill, led by their
leader, King Otto. Care to venture a guess as to who they are? Yes, it's...]
WORKER
The Judean People's Front!
PARVUS
The Judean People's Front!
OTTO
Forward all!
WORKERS
Look out! The Judean People's Front!
--[The JPF stop in front of Brian's cross.]
OTTO
Ve are the Judean People's Front! Crack suicide squad. Suicide Squad!
Attack!!!
--[drumroll]
--[They all ceremonially whip out their weapons, open a hatch in their
armor, and proceed to kill themselves.]
OTTO
Ungggghhh... that showed 'em, huh?
BRIAN
You silly sods.
--[Enter Judith.]
JUDITH
Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!
BRIAN
Judith!
JUDITH
Terrific, great! Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great what
you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll... I'll never forget you.
--[By this stage, Brian has given up. Then, as Judith runs off, our screens
are filled with a horrible face... Mrs. Cohen!]
MANDY
So... there you are. I might have known it would end up like this. To think
of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you
treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is
go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. I might have known it would end up
like this...
BRIAN
{I really feel sorry for him. Don't you?} Mum! Mum!
MANDY
...Sex, sex, sex. That's all young people are interested in nowadays. I
don't know what the world's coming to...
--[Brian looks like his heart has been crushed and shredded beyond any hope
of repair. But just then, the man next to him turns and says...]
ERIC M. FRISBEE II
Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...
(fades into a cheery song)
..Always look on the bright side of life...
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
And... always look on the bright side of life...
(whistle)
Come on!
(others start to join in)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(whistle)
For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow!
Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow!
So always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!
And always look on the bright side of life...
(whistle)
Always look on the right side of life...
(whistle)
(Come on, Brian... cheer up.)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
(I mean, what have you got to lose? You know. You come from nothing, you're
going back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
(Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say. Cheer up, you old
bugger. Come on, give us a grin.)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
(There you are. See? It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's
available in the foyer.)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
(Some of us have to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all
this rubbish?)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
(They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him, I said to him,
Bernie, I said, they'll never make their money back.)
Always look on...
* * * * * * * *
T H E E N D
* * * * * * * *
CAST (in order of appearance)
WISE MAN #1 John Cleese
WISE MAN #2 Graham Chapman
WISE MAN #3 Michael Palin
MANDY COHEN Terry Jones
SINGER Sonia Jones
JESUS CHRIST Ken Colley
BRIAN COHEN Graham Chapman
BIGNOSE Michael Palin
MRS. BIGNOSE Gwen Taylor
GREGORY Terence Bayler
MRS. GREGORY Carol Cleveland
CHEEKY Eric Idle
RANDOM Charles McKeown
SPORK Terry Gilliam
JUDITH Sue Jones-Davis
REG John Cleese
STAN/LORETTA Eric Idle
FRANCIS Michael Palin
HARRY THE HAGGLER Eric Idle
DONKEY OWNER Gwen Taylor
MATTHIAS John Young
LIMESTONE Bernard McKenna
GRANITE Andrew MacLachlan
THE ELDER PRALINE John Cleese
MR. CINDY Carol Cleveland
MR. STEPHANIE Eric Idle
MR. VICTORIA Michael Palin
EX-LEPER Michael Palin
ANNOUNCER Michael Palin
BORIS FEINBURG Neil Innes
CENTURION John Cleese
ROMAN SOLDIER STIG Charles McKeown
FRANCIS Michael Palin
DEADLY DIRK John Cleese
WARRIS Eric Idle
FANG Terry Gilliam
BEN Michael Palin
PONTIUS PILATE Michael Palin
GUARD #1 Bernard McKenna
GUARD #2 Andrew MacLachlan
GUARD #3 Chris Langham
GUARD #4 Charles McKeown
EYEWITNESS Charles Knode
DIRTY PROPHET Terry Gilliam
FALSE PROPHET Charles McKeown
BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET Michael Palin
BURT John Case
SERGEANT Bernard McKenna
COLIN Terry Jones
DENNIS Terence Bayler
ELSIE Carol Cleveland
EDDIE Michael Palin
ARTHUR John Cleese
FRANK Terry Gilliam
MOUSE Gwen Taylor
SNIPE Eric Idle
SHOE FOLLOWER Michael Palin
SPIKE Spike Milligan
BLIND MAN Charles McKeown
SIMON THE HOLY MAN Terry Jones
ROOSTER Terry Jones
MR. PAPADOPOULOS George Harrison
BIGGUS DICKUS Graham Chapman
NISUS WETTUS Michael Palin
BOB HOSKINS Terry Jones
TOENAIL Eric Idle
PARVUS Bernard McKenna
ALFONSO Chris Langham
SAINTLY COLIN Terry Jones
OTTO Eric Idle
ERIC M. FRISBEE III Eric Idle
If you have enjoyed this film, why not go and see "La Notte?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[http://members.aol.com/ambushbug4/mybrainhurts.html]