King Brian the Wild {Ik Wylden Kyngen Bryen} A Lost Sketch From the Film Monty Python and the Holy Grail By Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin, Eric Idle & John Cleese As told to Garrett Gilchrist of Monty Python's PythoNET Visit http://orangecow.org/pythonet NOTE: This is a version of the infamous "King Brian the Wild" sketch, which was by far the longest bit cut from the film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," deleted from the script on the eve of shooting and never filmed. This was due to budget considerations and also because the sketch really wasn't very good. It was to appear between the defeat of the Knights of Ni and the entrance of Tim the Enchanter, and showcased the songs of Neil Innes. This sketch appears in the final draft of the Grail script (downloadable at my Webpage). In 1996 the computer company 7th Level resurrected the long-lost sketch to be an animated segment at the end of their Quest for the Holy Grail CD-ROM game. The segment, inspired by the art of Terry Giliam, was voiced by Terry Jones as Brian (one of the Pythons' favorite names; seen "Life of Brian?"), Eric Idle as an ill-fated advisor and a loudmouthed herald, and Michael Palin as everyone else, including King Arthur (for the late Graham Chapman) and Sir Launcelot (for the tardy John Cleese). (An audio version of this sketch is downloadable from my page.) This version attempts to be coherent by including revisions made for that version as well as the stage direction from the original. I've also made a few changes of my own just where I felt like it. This sketch has gone on mostly unaknowledged for twenty years, and I think it's high time we aknowledged it, eh? Enjoy. And be sure to purchase a shrubbery. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CUT IN. Sounds of an orchestra readying itself. Muttering. A group of STAGEHANDS knock about scenery haphazardly. Suddenly - silence. A small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at the apparent direction of someone behind the camera. The scene looks like a standard, if somewhat shabby, public performance. A few coughs as they shuffle together. A moment of silence. Then they burst into pleasant (mellifluous) song. CHORUS When the trees do blossom full and all the hills are green Ho! Ho! Ho! We sing High! High! High! We sing our count...ry Song... A hail of arrows hits them and they crumple up. Sound of raucous laughter OFF CAMERA. CUT to reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from the group of SINGERS. Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD. He is roaring with laughter, and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all the marks of a faded richness. It is a court without women, and nobody does the washing or shaves very well. Perhaps there is washing, however, on the line over the castle. KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around him. Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (except for BRIAN himself); i.e. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged. All the people at court, except for BRIAN, have their left arm missing (possibly the result of some violent edict a few years back). KING BRIAN HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh! Very good! ... Next! FIRST ADVISER (A little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling, and obviously giving him some pain) There are no more, Sir. KING BRIAN (grabbing him by the collar) What d'you mean, you filthy dog! FIRST ADVISER There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir. KING BRIAN (thundering) No more close harmony groups ! FIRST ADVISER We have scoured the kingdom. KING BRIAN (lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his arm again slightly) You miserable worm! you wretch! You walking son of a dunghill keeper! Guards! Two rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. As everyone else, they also have their left arms missing. FIRST ADVISER Have mercy, your majesty! KING BRIAN GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest tree in the kingdom! The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off. He whines piteously. KING BRIAN'S eyes narrow. Muffled screams come from the nearby tree. The FIRST ADVISER is being hauled up it on pulleys. SECOND ADVISER Your Majesty, I can find you a lute player, whose music is passing sweet. KING BRIAN It's not the same, You thick-headed fool! KING BRIAN conks him on the back of the head. He falls. There's no fun in killing soloists! SECOND ADVISER (picking himself up) He may have a friend... KING BRIAN GUARDS! SECOND ADVISER Oh please, your majesty! Please! KING BRIAN Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom! The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away. SECOND ADVISER No! (he is dragged off screaming and protesting) KING BRIAN (roaring at the rest of the court) I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that there are no more close harmony ... At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stops to listen. The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous sounds. KNIGHTS (OOV) We're knights of the round table Our shows live on in fable We do high kicks and magic tricks On the BBC and cable... KING BRIAN Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead! Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily. CREEP Thank goodness. KING BRIAN Shut up! He punches him square on the nose and turns to the SECOND ADVISER. Oy you! SECOND ADVISER (doubled-up, surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach) Yes, your majesty? KING BRIAN Go and get 'em! SECOND ADVISER (gratefully) Thank you sir! He walks off, in considerable pain. The soldiers seem disappointed. SOLDIER 'Ere... we'd just started taking his kidneys out! CUT TO ARTHUR, BEDEVERE, GALAHAD and LANCELOT (Gawain, Tristam, Hecrot) plus all their pages. They are riding along, singing cheerily. KNIGHTS We're baby mad in Camelot We nurse and push the pram a looot In war there's none more able And valiant is our label In times of peace we cook with cheese And dress up like Betty Grable It's a... SECOND ADVISER HALT! Silence. Nothing is heard but the dripping of blood from the ADVISER'S open wounds. SIR GALAHAD Who are you who dares to halt the knights of King Arthur's round table in mid-verse? SECOND ADVISER I bring greetings from the court of king Brian. SIR LANCELOT ...King Brian the wild? SECOND ADVISER Ah, some call him that, but he's calmed down a lot recently. SIR GALAHAD Are those YOUR kidneys? SECOND ADVISER (covering his stomach) No no... it's nothing - just a flesh wound. The KNIGHTS look at each other. He has heard your beautiful melody, and wishes you to come to his court, that he may listen at his ease... oooh! SIR LANCELOT You must be joking! General murmur of agreement from the KNIGHTS. Go to the court of King Brian the wild and sing close harmony?! GALAHAD No fear! OTHER KNIGHTS No fear ... I mean ... Bloody ... BEDEVERE Not a chance! SECOND ADVISER (in increasing pain) It need not be close harmony ... Oooh, aagh ! SIR GALAHAD Ah, but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it? SECOND ADVISER Not necessarily ... As I say, King Brian is much more relaxed than he used to be. SIR GALAHAD I mean, could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of straight choral work? SECOND ADVISER Well, obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony ... arghhh! KNIGHTS Ah! There you are! SIR LAUNCELOT We'd end unlike the Shalott Choral Society. SECOND ADVISER Oh, ah, that was an accident. Honestly, he's so calm now ... Ohh ! ARTHUR No, we must be on our way. They start off. The ADVISER waves his fist. SECOND ADVISER (by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to sound threatening) If you don't come and sing for him ... aah ... he'll drive ... ohh... ... iron spikes through your heads. KNIGHTS (cheerily) Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild! SECOND ADVISER (looking helplessly at his intestines) He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally. SIR GALAHAD Like with close harmony groups. SECOND ADVISER Ooh ... Look, if you're scared ... SIR LANCELOT We're not SCARED! GALAHAD looks about nervously. SECOND ADVISER (With his last ounce of strength) Very well! King Brian challenges you to sing before him in close harmony! ARTHUR A challenge? The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heavenwards. The other KNIGHTS look at him rather fearfully. ARTHUR (majestically) It is a challenge. We cannot refuse. SIR GALAHAD King Brian's a fucking looney. SECOND ADVISER Great! A wheeze. He dies. Birds chirping. SIR GALAHAD Are you all right? CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dais. He sees the KNIGHTS enter the arena. KING BRIAN Ah, good! CUT TO ONE-ARMED TRUMPETERS who execute a rather bad fanfare full of missed notes. Meanwhile, we see various SHOTS of preparation. KING BRIAN settling down. KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. The last of the previous close harmony group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver from scene two. (Perhaps we see him being paid off.) SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having his gag removed. SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still rather nervous. The fanfare comes to an end, with several wrong notes. KING BRIAN (who can't wait) RIGHT! Carry on, gentlemen. HERALD KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON! ARTHUR (whispering) All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the bass. They all nod. ARTHUR One... Two... Five... GALAHAD Three, sir... ooh! Sound of bows being drawn very near by. ARTHUR looks up and frowns. CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS. They all have their left leg missing, but they DO have two arms. Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO. ARTHUR Hold it! Err ... King Brian? HERALD (Louder than ever) ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE, OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN! KING BRIAN (truculently) What? ARTHUR What are THEY for? He indicates the ARCHERS. KING BRIAN Them? They're, they're... just to show you where the audience would be. ARTHUR'S eyes narrow. ARTHUR Well, we'd prefer to do it without an audience. KING BRIAN Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE! HERALD KING BRIAN, THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND, SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE! ARTHUR We'd rather give a private recital. HERALD THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL, O WISE, GOOD, AND JUST KING BRIAN - AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD! KING BRIAN (to himself) Turds. He nods to the ARCHERS, who turn and hop smartly off in step. ONE-LEGGED RSM Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left ... Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left. They hop round behind a long fence (about nine feet high) and disappear from sight. KING BRIAN Right! Ready when you are. HERALD KING BRIAN IS READY! ARTHUR And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ... They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows ready and arrows pointed, peep over the top of the fence. ARTHUR gestures violently. HOLD IT! PATSY (singing) We're ... Quick flash of ARCHERS all set to fire; one tries to hold his shot back but fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air. Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER, who is hanging by his nostrils from the highest tree in the kingdom, moaning and getting hit by the arrow. KING BRIAN What is it NOW? ARTHUR We're not entirely happy with the acoustics. HERALD THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH... KING BRIAN (impatiently) Oh, sod the acoustics! Get on with the singing! HERALD KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS! ARTHUR In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere. He turns to his KNIGHTS and begins to usher them off. As he goes the camera pulls back and you can see that the floor looks disturbingly like an archery target. HERALD THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH, FAMOUS, AND EXTREMELY CALM KING! KING BRIAN (getting very angry and dribbling slightly) NO! you've GOT to sing on the target area - er - concert ... ah ... thing ... HERALD KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN INCIDENT ! KING BRIAN Don't editorialize! HERALD SORRY, KING. KING BRIAN Come on, you bastards! Sing close harmony! KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without any pretense to conceal them fitting arrows into their bows. BRIAN, with an evil look on his face, draws a nasty sword, just for atmosphere. HERALD KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAR CLOSE HARMONY! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? KING BRIAN I said, don't. HERALD Sorry, King. KING BRIAN Right! On the count of three ... one ... HERALD THE KING'S SAID ONE! KING BRIAN Two! HERALD THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT! We hear the sound of bows being drawn back. Tension mounts. The KNIGHTS all look pretty grim. The end is clearly pretty near. KING BRIAN (face in a paroxysm of blood-lust) Three! HERALD THREE! Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing... VOICES Bravely, good sir Robin was not afraid at all... CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of them, looking rather embarrassed. The ARCHERS look lost. KING BRIAN (turning to the sound) FANTASTIC! MINSTRELS ..to have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... AAAAARGH ! They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows. KING BRIAN HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! Oh, bloody marvellous! ROBIN is the only one standing. He looks down at the remains of his minstrels, shocked but obviously relieved. ARTHUR Sir Robin! This way! ARTHUR leads his MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES and make good their escape. KING BRIAN HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HERALD KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP! KING BRIAN Shut up! He swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off. HERALD'S HEAD (as it rolls away) PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED! A clattering of coconuts. CUT OUT. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- As told to Garrett Gilchrist of Monty Python's PythoNET Visit http://orangecow.org/pythonet