Monty Python and the Holy Grail {M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen} A Full Transcript Based upon the film by Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin, Eric Idle & John Cleese As told to Garrett Gilchrist of Monty Python's PythoNET Visit http://orangecow.org/pythonet Special thanks to 40 SPECIALLY TRAINED ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS 6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS 142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS 14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA) REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON 76000 BATTERY LLAMAS FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY and Grue and Adam R. Jones and Kim "Howard" Johnson Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (c) 1974 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd. NOTE: This is a full transcript of pretty much anything that happens in the 1975 film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." This is a script, not a screenplay. You'll find that the original screenplays (available on my webpage; address above) are a bit different than the final film, so I've cobbled this bit together for the benefit of those who want a guide to the actual movie, not what they originally planned it to be. Enjoy. And be sure to purchase a shrubbery. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- TITLES, WHITE ON BLUE B.G. FROM CINEMA 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- TITLES, WHITE ON BLACK B.G. PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD in association with MICHAEL WHITE presents -------------------------------------------------------------------------- MONTY PYTHON and THE HOLY GRAIL M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Written and preformed by: GRAHAM CHAPMAN JOHN CLEESE ERIC IDLE TERRY GILLIAM TERRY JONES MICHAEL PALIN R0tern nik Akten Di -------------------------------------------------------------------------- with CONNIE BOOTH CAROL CLEVELAND NEIL INNES BEE DUFFELL JOHN YOUNG RITA DAVES Wik -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also appearing AVRIL STEWART SALLY KINGHORN Als0 wik -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also also appearing MARK ZYCOON ELSPETH CAMERON MITSUKO FORSTATER SALLY JOHNSON SANDY ROSE ROMILLY SQUIE JONI FLNN ALISON WALKER LORAINE WARD ANNA LANSKI SALLY COOMBE VIVIENNE MACDONALD YVONNE DICK DAPHNE DARLING FIONA GORDON GLORIA GRAHAM JUDY LAMS TRACY SNEDDON SYLVIA TAYLOR JOYCE POLLNER MARY ALLEN Als0 als0 wik -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Camera Operator HOWARD ATHERTON Camera Focus JOHN WELLARD Camera Assistant ROGER PRATT Camera Grip RAY HALL Chargehand Electrician TERRY HUNT Lighting TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD TECHNICOLOR Rosturm Cameraman KENT HOUSTON Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden this yer? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Recordist GARTH MARSHALL Sound Mixer HUGH STRAIN Boom Swinger GODFREY KIRBY Sound Maintenance PHILIP CHUBB Sound Assistant ROBERT DOYLE Dubbing Editor JOHN FOSTER Assistant Editors JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER, ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW, BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI Sound Effects IAN CRAFFORD See the l0veli lakes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Continuity PENNY EYLES Accountant BRIAN BROCKWELL Production Secretary CHRISTINE WATT Property Buyer BRIAN WINTERBORN Property Master TOM RAEBURN Property Men ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT, MIKE KENNEDY Catering RON HELLARD LTD Vehicles BUDGET RENT-A-CAR The W0nderful teleph0ne system -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Assistant Art Director PHILIP COWLAM Construction Manager BILL HARMAN Carpenters NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE Painter GRAHAM BULLOCK Stagehand JIM N. SAVERY Rigger ED SULLIVAN And mani interesting furry animals -------------------------------------------------------------------------- With special extra thanks to Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara, Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic, Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh. Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle, Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle, Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur. By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square, London W1 England. And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England. Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt. All Rights Reserved. The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling University, and the people of Doune for their help in the making of this film. The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. Signed RICHARD M. NIXON Including the majestic m00se -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Songs NEIL INNES Additional music DEWOLFE A M00se once bit my sister ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Costume Designer HAZEL PETHIG No realli! She was Karving her initals on the m00se with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst Nordfink". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked. Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Production Manager JULLIAN DOYLE Assistant Director GERRY HARRISON Special Effects JOHN HORTON Choreography Fight Director & Period Consultant JOHN WALKER Make-up Artists PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE Photography JULLIAN DOYLE Animation Assistance LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN M00se Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lighting Cameraman TERRY BEDFORD Special M00se Effects OLAF PROT M00se Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Designer ROY SMITH M00se Choreographed by HORST PROT III Miss Taylor's M00ses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME M00se trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Editor JOHN HACKNEY M00ses' noses wiped by BJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER Large m00se on the left half side of the screen in the third scene from the end,given a thorough grounding in Latin, French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN Suggestive poses for the M00se suggested by VIC ROTTER Antler-care by LIV THATCHER -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, with it to be known that they have just been sacked. The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- FIESTA MUSIC TITLE ON FLASHING YELLOW B.G Executive Producer JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer MARK FORSTATER Assisted by EARL J. LLAMA MIKE Q. LLAMA III SY LLAMA MERLE Z. LLAMA IX -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Directed by 40 SPECIALLY TRAINED ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS 6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS 142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS 14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA) REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON 76000 BATTERY LLAMAS FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY and TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES -------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. A man can be seen hanging on some sort of torture wheel and looking rather unhappy. SUPERIMPOSE "England. 932 A.D." We hear hoofbeats in the distance. They come slowly closer, then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR followed by a SERVANT (Patsy) who is banging two half coconuts together. ARTHUR raises his hand. ARTHUR Whoa there! PATSY makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR peers through the mist and sees a small castle. He motions to PATSY and continues until he reaches said castle. On the castle battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down. SOLDIER Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! Pause. SOLDIER Pull the other one! ARTHUR I am ... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. SOLDIER What? Ridden on a horse? ARTHUR Yes! SOLDIER You're using coconuts! ARTHUR ... What? SOLDIER You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together. ARTHUR (Scornfully) So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea. Through ... SOLDIER Where'd you get the coconuts? ARTHUR We found them. SOLDIER Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR What do you mean? SOLDIER Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. SOLDIER Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ARTHUR Not at all. They could be carried. SOLDIER What? A swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR It could grip it by the husk ... SOLDIER It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple question of weight ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. ARTHUR Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? SOLDIER Listen! In order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings fourty three times every second. Right? ARTHUR (Irritated) Please! SOLDIER Am I right? ARTHUR I'm not interested. Another SOLDIER appears. SECOND SOLDIER It could be carried by an African swallow! FIRST SOLDIER Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow, that's my point. SECOND SOLDIER Oh yeah, I agree with that ... ARTHUR (losing patience) Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! FIRST SOLDIER But then, of course, ah, African swallows are non-migratory. SECOND SOLDIER Oh yeah. ARTHUR motions to PATSY and they ride off, leaving the soldiers to mutter amongst themselves. FIRST SOLDIER So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. SECOND SOLDIER Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? FIRST SOLDIER No, they'd have to have it on a line. SECOND SOLDIER Well simple, they'd just use a strand of creeper! FIRST SOLDIER What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? SECOND SOLDIER Well, why not? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - PLAGUE VILLAGE - DAY BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. In charge of this is another MAN wearing a sort of undertaker's hood that was once funeral black, but has long since merged with his dirty surroundings. Not having a bell to call he uses what's around. CART DRIVER Bring out your dead! We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging. In the open doorway of one house an OLD WOMAN is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat. There are legs sticking out of windows and doors. CART DRIVER Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! One of the town WRETCHES approaches and drops one on the cart. CART DRIVER Ninepence. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! LARGE MAN Here's one! CART DRIVER Ninepence. BODY I'm not dead! CART DRIVER What? LARGE MAN Nothing ... Here's your ninepence. BODY I'm not dead! CART DRIVER 'Ere. He says he's not dead. LARGE MAN Yes he is. BODY I'm not! CART DRIVER He isn't. LARGE MAN Well, he will be soon. He's very ill. BODY I'm getting better! LARGE MAN No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. CART DRIVER I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. BODY I don't want to go on the cart. LARGE MAN Oh, don't be such a baby. CART DRIVER I can't take him. BODY I feel fine. LARGE MAN Well, do us a favour. CART DRIVER I can't. LARGE MAN Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. CART DRIVER No, I've gotta go to the the Robinson's. They've lost nine today. LARGE MAN Well, when's your next round? CART DRIVER Thursday. BODY I think I'll go for a walk. LARGE MAN You're not fooling anyone, you know. ...Look, isn't there something you can do? BODY (singing unrecognisably) I feel happy ... I feel happy ... The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then he very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. BODY Oof! LARGE MAN (handing over cash) Ahh ... Thanks very much. CART DRIVER Not at all. See you on Thursday. LARGE MAN Right. We see Arthur and Patsy ride through the scene. LARGE MAN Who's that then? CART DRIVER I dunno, must be a king. LARGE MAN Why? CART DRIVER He hasn't got shit all over him. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - OUTSKIRTS OF VILLAGE - DAY ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT. ARTHUR Old woman! DENNIS Man! ARTHUR Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS I'm thirty-seven. ARTHUR I-- What? DENNIS I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old. ARTHUR Well - I can't just call you "man". DENNIS Well you could say "Dennis." ARTHUR I didn't know you were called Dennis. DENNIS Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from the behind you looked ... DENNIS What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior ... ARTHUR Well ... I AM king. DENNIS Oh, king, eh! Very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ... An actual OLD WOMAN appears, apparently Dennis's mum. She is also digging in the dirt. OLD WOMAN Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh! She notices ARTHUR and PATSY. ...How d'you do? ARTHUR How d'you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? OLD WOMAN King of the WHO? ARTHUR The Britons. OLD WOMAN Who are the Britons? ARTHUR We all are. We're all Britons. And I am your king .... She looks at DENNIS briefly with a conspiratorial air. OLD WOMAN I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective ... DENNIS You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ... OLD WOMAN Oh there you go, bringing class into it again ... DENNIS That's what it's all about ... If only people would... ARTHUR Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? OLD WOMAN No one lives there. ARTHUR Then who is your lord? OLD WOMAN We don't have a lord. ARTHUR What? DENNIS I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week ... ARTHUR Yes. DENNIS ... But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting ... ARTHUR Yes, I see. DENNIS ... by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs ... ARTHUR Be quiet! DENNIS ... but by a two-thirds majority in the case of ... ARTHUR Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! OLD WOMAN Order, eh? Who does he think he is? ARTHUR I am your king! OLD WOMAN Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR You don't vote for kings. OLD WOMAN Well, how did you become king, then? Heavenly music plays. Arthur, steely-eyed, looks heavenward. ARTHUR The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ... Music stops. That is why I am your king! DENNIS Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR Be quiet! DENNIS You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR Shut up! DENNIS I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an Emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! ARTHUR (grabbing DENNIS by the collar) Shut up, will you, shut up! DENNIS Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR Shut up! DENNIS yells out in the manner of a carnival barker. The whole village can hear. DENNIS Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed! ARTHUR Bloody peasant! ARTHUR pushes him down and rides off. Dennis yells to the camera - DENNIS Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride. Dramatic music (the Dewolfe theme) plays as they ride. But the striking scene is blotted out at intervals with quick shots of a bloody battle. By turns we realize what is going on. Sound FX of fight. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge our battle is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in green armour. ARTHUR and PATSY come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up. CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed as they watch the fight. CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword. ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who dodges and beats hell out of him. ARTHUR and PATSY watch like a tennis match. The fight reaches a climax. Much blood. A whack. The GREEN KNIGHT falls. The BLACK KNIGHT sheathes his sword. ARTHUR looks at PATSY. The GREEN KNIGHT is gone. The BLACK KNIGHT looks darkly triumphant as ARTHUR approaches him. ARTHUR You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. The BLACK KNIGHT says nothing. ARTHUR I am Arthur, King of the Britons. He remains silent. ARTHUR ... I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot ... Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is only slightly thrown. ARTHUR You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? The BLACK KNIGHT says nothing with emphasis. ARTHUR is saddened. ARTHUR You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way. BLACK KNIGHT (forcefully) None shall pass. ARTHUR What? BLACK KNIGHT None shall pass. ARTHUR I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT Then you shall die. ARTHUR I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside. BLACK KNIGHT I move for no man. ARTHUR So be it! ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious fight now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly. ARTHUR Now stand aside, worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT 'Tis but a scratch. ARTHUR A scratch? Your arm's off! BLACK KNIGHT (evasively) No, it isn't. ARTHUR (Pointing to the arm on ground) Well, what's that then? A pause. BLACK KNIGHT I've had worse. ARTHUR You liar! BLACK KNIGHT Come on, you pansy! Another ten seconds of furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm, plus sword, lies on the ground. ARTHUR Victory is mine! He drops to his knees and, clutching Excalibur, praises God. ARTHUR We thank thee Lord that in thy mercy ... BLACK KNIGHT Come on then. He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking. ARTHUR What? BLACK KNIGHT Have at you! ARTHUR (angrily) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine. BLACK KNIGHT Oh, had enough, eh? ARTHUR Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. BLACK KNIGHT Yes I have. ARTHUR Look! BLACK KNIGHT Just a flesh wound. He kicks ARTHUR. ARTHUR Look, stop that! BLACK KNIGHT Chicken! Chicken! ARTHUR Look, I'll have your leg. He is kicked. Right! The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty. BLACK KNIGHT Right! I'll do you for that. ARTHUR You'll what? BLACK KNIGHT Come here. ARTHUR What are you going to do, bleed on me? BLACK KNIGHT I'm invincible! ARTHUR You're a looney. BLACK KNIGHT The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you! ARTHUR rolls his eyes contemptously. BLACK KNIGHT Come on then! ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright. The BLACK KNIGHT looks back and forth helplessly, in shock. BLACK KNIGHT All right, we'll call it a draw. ARTHUR Come, Patsy. ARTHUR and PATSY ride across the bridge. BLACK KNIGHT (hoarsely) Oh, oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - VILLAGE - DAY A village. Big CLOSE-UP on Mr. Innes in monk's garb. The sound of chanting can be heard. MONKS Pie iesu domine, dona eis requiem. He beats himself sharply on the head with a wooden board. Cut back to show a whole line of the monks doing same ala SEVENTH SEAL flagellation scene, though considerably sillier. Pie iesu domine... Whack. ...dona eis requiem. Whack. Pie iesu domine... Whack. ...dona eis requiem. Whack. Their chant is broken by the excited screams of the villagers, a rowdy mob yelling "A WITCH, A WITCH!! WE'VE FOUND A WITCH!! BURN HER!!" etc. Cut to a strangely-dressed knight, SIR BEDEVERE, who attaches a coconut to a white bird, a European swallow, perhaps, and lets it fly off. The villagers approach, still screaming. As they reach BEDEVERE the apparent leader of the bunch steps forward. FIRST VILLAGER We have found a witch. May we burn her? ALL Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her! BEDEVERE How do you know she is a witch? SECOND VILLAGER She looks like one! ALL Right! Yeah! Yeah! BEDEVERE (gesturing boredly) Bring her forward. As they scream excitedly they drop before BEDEVERE a YOUNG GIRL (Connie) dressed in some sort of witches' garb. She protests. WITCH I am not a witch. I am not a witch! BEDEVERE But you are dressed as one. WITCH (gestures to crowd) They dressed me up like this. ALL We didn't, we didn't! WITCH And this isn't my nose, It is a false one. BEDEVERE grabs her nose. It snaps. It is on a string. BEDEVERE Well? FIRST VILLAGER ... Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE The nose? FIRST VILLAGER And the hat. But she is a witch. SECOND VILLAGER Yeah. ALL Burn her! Right! Yeah! Yeah! BEDEVERE Did you dress her up like this? FIRST VILLAGER No! FIRST, SECOND AND THIRD VILLAGERS No, no. No. No. No. FIRST VILLAGER Yes. SECOND VILLAGER Yes. FIRST VILLAGER Yes. Yeah, a bit. FIRST, SECOND, AND THIRD VILLAGERS A bit, a bit, a bit. FIRST VILLAGER She has got a wart. A cough. BEDEVERE What makes you think she is a witch? THIRD VILLAGER Oh, she turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE A newt? Silence. The VILLAGER looks around guiltily. THIRD VILLAGER I got better. ALL Burn her anyway!! Burn her, burn her!! BEDEVERE Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. ARTHUR and PATSY ride up and watch with interest. ALL Are there? Ah? What are they? Tell us. Tell us. BEDEVERE Tell me ... what do you do with witches? ALL Burn! Burn them up! Burn! BEDEVERE And what do you burn, apart from witches? FIRST VILLAGER More witches!! Silence. A pause. SECOND VILLAGER ... Wood? BEDEVERE So why do witches burn? Pause. THIRD VILLAGER (softly) ... Because they're made of wood...? BEDEVERE Good. The PEASANTS stir uneasily and then come round to this conclusion. ALL Oh yeah. BEDEVERE So how do we tell whether she is made of wood? FIRST VILLAGER Build a bridge out of her! BEDEVERE Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone? ALL Oh. Yes, of course ... um ... BEDEVERE Does wood sink in water? FIRST VILLAGER No, no. SECOND VILLAGER No, it floats! It floats! FIRST VILLAGER Throw her into the pond! ALL The pond! Throw her into the pond! BEDEVERE What also floats in water? FIRST VILLAGER Bread! SECOND VILLAGER Apples! THIRD VILLAGER Uh, very small rocks! FIRST VILLAGER Cider! SECOND VILLAGER Grea -- Gravy! FIRST VILLAGER Cherries! SECOND VILLAGER Mud! THIRD VILLAGER Uh, churches! Churches! SECOND VILLAGER Lead! Lead! ARTHUR (forcefully, from out of nowhere) A duck. They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed. BEDEVERE Exactly. So ... logically ... FIRST VILLAGER (He is catching on now) If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood. BEDEVERE And therefore? ALL A witch! A witch! ... A duck! Fetch a duck. BEDEVERE Very good. We shall use my largest scales. He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather. A duck is procured from Mr. Innes. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest. BEDEVERE Right! Remove the supports. Two PEASANTS knock them away. The GIRL and the duck swing slightly but balance, to the mob's delight. ALL A witch! A witch! A witch! WITCH It's a fair cop. All Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder. The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding each other with admiration. BEDEVERE Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEVERE (dropping to his knees) My liege ... ARTHUR Good sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? BEDEVERE My liege, I would be honored. ARTHUR draws his sword dramatically. ARTHUR What is your name? BEDEVERE Bedevere, my liege. Dramatic music. BEDEVERE is knighted. ARTHUR Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- INTERIOR - STUDIO - NIGHT CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written: THE BOOK OF THE FILM A female hand opens the book. VOICE OVER The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ... but other illustrious names were soon to follow ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER Sir Launcelot, the Brave ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER Sir Galahad, the Pure ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER And Sir Robin, the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol... Hand turns Page. VOICE OVER ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill... and the aptly named ... Hand turns page. A baby in knight's clothing. VOICE OVER Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Hand turns page. VOICE OVER Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ... A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand. Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR are at the front of the group deep in conversation. BEDEVERE And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. ARTHUR This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. BEDEVERE Certainly, sir ... LAUNCELOT (he points) Look, my liege! CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance, illuminated in the rays of the setting sun. A fanfare plays. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group. They are all staring with fascination. ARTHUR Camelot! GALAHAD Camelot ... LAUNCELOT Camelot ... PATSY (in the back, gruffly) It's only a model. ARTHUR Sh! ...Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride ... to... Camelot! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- INTERIOR - CAMELOT CASTLE - DAY CUT TO interior of medieval hall. A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up- beat 'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number. KNIGHTS We're knights of the round table We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. A dancing interlude. We're knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable But many times We're given rhymes That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a loooooooooooooooot. Booming basses. A routine where XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS' armour producing a pleasing effect. Someone steps on a stoat. A prisoner in manacles claps along. It is all very silly. In war we're tough and able. Quite indefatigable Between our quests We sequin vests And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot. SINGLE MAN (with inflection) I have to push the pram a lot. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - COUNTRYSIDE - DAY CUT BACK to the KNIGHTS as we left them. ARTHUR No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. KNIGHTS Right! ... Right. They set off again; almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance and strange heavenly choir music. The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS fall on their knees. The clouds part. A holy voice booms out. It is God. He looks a lot like W.G. Grace, but with a crown. GOD Arthur! Arthur ... King of the Britons ... They all prostrate themselves even further. Oh, don't grovel! ... One thing I can't stand, it's people grovelling!! They get up. ARTHUR Sorry ... GOD And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy ... What are you doing now? ARTHUR (squinting) I'm averting my eyes, O Lord. GOD Well, don't. It's like those miserable psalms. they're so depressing. Now knock it off. ARTHUR Yes, Lord. GOD Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ... ARTHUR Good idea, O Lord! GOD Course it's a good idea. Suddenly another light appears within the space where God was. Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ... The light becomes an iridescent chalice, and extremely impressive, not really the cup of a carpenter but who's counting? Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. God reappears as the music reaches its crescendo. That is your purpose, Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ... The clouds lock back together with a dull thud. The KNIGHTS are left to gasp in awe and wonderment. LAUNCELOT A blessing. A blessing from the lord. GALAHAD God be praised! An impressive and rather groovy animation sequence announces "The Quest for the Holy Grail." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY CUT abruptly to the group. They ride. They ride and ride and ride. God, how they ride. Dewolfe's theme plays until they reach a terrific castle (by this movie's standards), at which point PATSY lets out a deafening fanfare. They advance quite close to the castle and draw themselves into a line. A MAN, barely seen, appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him. ARTHUR Halt! Hello. ...Hello! MAN 'Allo. Whoo is eet? ARTHUR It is King Arthur and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? MAN This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. ARTHUR Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, if he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. MAN Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Ah, he's already got one, you see? ARTHUR What? GALAHAD He says they've already got one! They are stunned. ARTHUR Are you sure he's got one? MAN Oh yes. It's very nice. He drops back and turns to his fellows. I told them we already got one. They snigger. ARTHUR Well ... ahm ... can we come up and have a look? MAN Of course not! You are English types. ARTHUR Well, what are you then? MAN I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrrageous accent, you silly king? GALAHAD What are you doing in England? MAN (gruffly) Mind your own business. ARTHUR If you will not show us the Grail we shall take your castle by force! MAN You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kannnniggets. He puts his hands to his ears and blows a raspberry. GALAHAD What a strange person. ARTHUR Now look here, my good man! MAN I don't wanna talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. GALAHAD Is there someone else up there we could talk to? MAN No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. ARTHUR Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable ... MAN (with a look of urgency he turns to his fellow Frenchies) Fetchez la vache! ESCARGOT Quoi? MAN Fetchez la vache! ARTHUR If you do not agree to my commands then I shall ... Jesus Christ! A cow comes flying over the battlements, meuhing aggressively. The cow lands on one of the pages, crushing him completely. Right! Charge! ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them battling on, despite being hit by a variety of farm animals. MAN Hey, this one is for your mother! ...There you go... and this one's for your dad! ARTHUR Run away! KNIGHTS Run away! And they do. Finding suitable cover they regain their strength. LAUNCELOT Fiends! I'll tear them apart. ARTHUR (restraining him) No! No! No! No! BEDEVERE Sir, I have a plan. FADE TO black. CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. The FRENCH TAUNTER is looking about suspiciously. Wind howling. The sound of feverish carpentry breaks out in the distance. CLOSE-UP FRENCHMAN looking rather nervous. Silence. Wind. A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder. CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland. The squeaking gets louder. An enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out into the open space in front of the castle. The ENGLISH scuttle back into the undergrowth. The FRENCH can be heard chattering amongst themselves. FRENCH ...C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. ...Quoi? ...Un cadeau. ...What? ...A present. ...Oh, un cadeau! Oui, oui! ...Hurry. ...What? ...Let's go. ...Oh. ...On y va. Bon magne. Over here. They stride out, looking about apprehensively. With a look of suspicion still on their collective visages they wheel the lappin enorme chez eux. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching. ARTHUR What happens now? BEDEVERE Well now, ah, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise, ...not only by surprise but totally unarmed! Silence. ARTHUR Who ... leaps out? BEDEVERE ... Um, Launcelot, Galahad, ah, and I ... ah, leap out of the rabbit, ah, and ... ah ... ARTHUR sighs dejectedly and shakes his head. Oh, um, loo, look, if we built this large wooden badger... ARTHUR conks him one on the helmet. There is a loud twang. Looks of horror. The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements. ARTHUR Run away! More shouts. Run away! The rabbit comes crashing down on one of the pages and shatters. ARTHUR and COMPANY keep right on running. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - MODERN FOREST - DAY A modern forest. Day. CUE MAN Picture for schools, take eight. DIRECTOR Action! SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION: "A VERY FAMOUS HISTORIAN." HISTORIAN Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did. Launcelot... A MEDIEVAL KNIGHT rides in and slaughters him. MRS HISTORIAN FRANK! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY VOICE-OVER 1 The Tale Of Sir Robin. VOICE-OVER 2 So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north through the dark forrest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. SIR ROBIN is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in thirteenth-century courtly costume; one (Mr. Innes) sings, and plays the tambourine, one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes. ROBIN looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song, but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass start to have their effect ... SINGER Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot, He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin, He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken; To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in, and his heart cut out, And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off, And his penis ... ROBIN That's, that's, uh, that's ... ah ... that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. Eerie music sets in. They pass signs reading "Certain Death" etc., all in triplicate. They pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree. With their feet off the ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up like a barbecue. And, most horribly of all, they pass... DENNIS Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom ... OLD WOMAN Oh Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud. Crashing chords. A GIANT THREE-HEADED KNIGHT appears. THREE HEADS Halt! Who art thou? SINGERS (full song) He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ... ROBIN (to SINGERS) Shut up. ...Um, nobody really. Ah ... just ... um ... just passing through. THREE HEADS What do you want? SINGERS (full song) To fight and ... ROBIN Shut up. ...Um ... oh ... Nothing, nothing really. I'll just ... just to ... um ... just to pass through, good Sir knight. THREE HEADS I'm afraid not. ROBIN Ah, well, actually, I, I am a Knight of the Round Table. THREE HEADS You are a Knight of the Round Table? ROBIN I am. From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually. FIRST HEAD In that case I shall have to kill you. SECOND HEAD Shall I? THIRD HEAD Oh, I don't think so. MIDDLE HEAD What do I think? LEFT HEAD I think, kill him. THIRD HEAD Oh! let's be nice to him. FIRST HEAD Oh shut up. ROBIN Perhaps ... SECOND HEAD And you. FIRST HEAD Oh, get the sword out. I want to cut his head off. THIRD HEAD Oh, cut your own head off. SECOND HEAD Yes - do us all a favour. FIRST HEAD What? THIRD HEAD Yapping on all the time. SECOND HEAD You're lucky, you're not next to him. THIRD HEAD What do you mean? SECOND HEAD You snore. THIRD HEAD Ooh, I don't! Anyway you've got bad breath. SECOND HEAD Well it's only because you don't brush my teeth ... THIRD HEAD Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea. FIRST HEAD All Right! All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. SECOND HEAD Yes. Pause. THIRD HEAD Oh! not biscuits ... FIRST HEAD All right! All right! not biscuits - but let's kill him anyway! ALL HEADS Right! WIDE SHOT, the THREE-HEADED KNIGHT is alone. SECOND HEAD He's buggered off! THIRD HEAD So he has! He's scarpered. Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN. The music is jolly and bright, as if triumphant. ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics. SINGER Brave Sir Robin ran away. ROBIN No! SINGER Bravely ran away, away. ROBIN I didn't! SINGER When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled Robin No! SINGER Brave Sir Robin turned about ROBIN I didn't! SINGER And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet ROBIN I never did! SINGER He beat a very brave retreat ROBIN All lies! SINGER Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin ROBIN I never! They disappear into the distance. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - DARK FOREST - NIGHT The animated intro features the monk swim team. VOICE-OVER The tale of Sir Galahad. A storm is raging. We pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this moment we hear the howling of wolves. GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even more urgently. Another louder, closer howl is heard and GALAHAD stumbles and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles forward a little and regains his footing reacting to the pain. More louder closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle. Above it the lightning illuminates the ghostly shape of a glowing chalice. The Grail? More, louder howling. He reaches the forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while. Pause. He beats again, shouting: GALAHAD Open the door. Open the door. In the name of King Arthur. Open the door... Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being drawn. The wolves' howling is very close. As the door creaks open GALAHAD steps quickly inside. From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the fact he is trapped. A heavenly harp riff plays. GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT (Carol) standing by him smiling enchantingly and a number of young GIRLIES draped around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him and wave. GIRLIES Hello! ZOOT Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. GALAHAD The Castle Anthrax? ZOOT Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every ... every need! GALAHAD You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? ZOOT The what? GALAHAD The grail, it is here? ZOOT (evasively) Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper! MIDGET AND CRAPPER Yes, O Zoot? ZOOT Prepare a bed for our guest. MIDGET AND CRAPPER (grovelling with delight) Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you! ZOOT Away! Away, varletesses! ...The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big. GALAHAD Well, look, I ... I, ah ... ZOOT What is your name, handsome knight? GALAHAD Sir Galahad ... the Chaste. ZOOT Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. She is very close to him for a moment. Oh, but come. She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading to the bedchamber. GALAHAD Look, please, in God's name show me the grail! ZOOT Oh, you have suffered much, you are delirious! GALAHAD No, loo, look, I have seen it, it is here. Is it ... ZOOT Sir Galahad, you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS. They are clearly on the verge of being offended. GALAHAD Well, I ... I, ah ... She moves off and GALAHAD unwittingly follows. ZOOT Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ... bathing ... dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear ... The saintly GALAHAD reacts, then follows further. They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber. ZOOT turns. We are just not used to handsome knights ... Nay, nay! Come, come, you may lie here. She notices him limping. Oh, but you are wounded! GALAHAD No, no, it's nothing! ZOOT You must see the doctors immediately. She claps to summon them. He reacts. No, no! Please. Lie down. She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the room. They are two equally enchanting young girls. They approach GALAHAD. PIGLET Well, what seems to be the trouble? GALAHAD (shocked) They're doctors? ZOOT (evasively) Ah, they have a basic medical training, yes. He struggles. She pushes him back down. Oh, come come. You must try to rest. Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston! Practice your art!! WINSTON Try to relax. GALAHAD Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? PIGLET We must examine you. GALAHAD There's nothing wrong with ... that. PIGLET (slightly irritated) Please ... we are doctors. GALAHAD tries for a moment to relax. But as they close in on his lower armour he jumps off the bed and starts collecting his things. GALAHAD No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity! PIGLET Back to your bed! At once! GALAHAD Torment me no longer, I have seen the grail. PIGLET (matter-of-factly) There's no grail here. GALAHAD I have seen it! I have seen it! I have seen ... GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They stare at him smiling, looking him over. Harp music. GIRLIES Hello. GALAHAD Oh! GIRLIES Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. He nods to them stiffly once or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY. He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying: GALAHAD Zoot! DINGO No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. GALAHAD Oh ... well ... excuse me. He pushes forth but she blocks his way. DINGO Where are you going? GALAHAD I seek the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle! DINGO (very melodramatically) Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot! GALAHAD What is it? DINGO Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ... Not the first time we've had this problem. GALAHAD It's not the real Grail? DINGO Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot ... Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty... ** NOTE: NOW ENTERING THE DIRECTOR'S CUT ZONE. THE FOLLOWING BIT APPEARS ** ** ONLY ON THE SPECIAL EDITION LASERDISC. IT HAS ALSO BEEN SHOWN ON TV. ** ...Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think. LEFT HEAD At least ours was better visually. DENNIS At least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes. OLD MAN Get on with it. TIM THE ENCHANTER Yes, get on with it! EVERYONE YES, GET ON WITH IT! DINGO Oh, I am enjoying this scene... GOD Get on with it! DINGO (sigh) ... Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot... ** NOTE: NOW LEAVING THE DIRECTOR'S CUT ZONE. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO ** ** "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL," ALREADY IN PROGRESS. ** ...And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. GIRLS A spanking! A spanking! DINGO You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me. AMAZING And spank me! STUNNER And me. LOVELY And me. DINGO Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight. DINGO And after the spanking ... the oral sex. GIRLS The oral sex ... The oral sex. GALAHAD Well, I could stay a BIT longer. At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE, plus a few others, burst into the chamber with swords drawn and form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS. LAUNCELOT Sir Galahad! GALAHAD (dreamily) Oh ... hello ... LAUNCELOT Quick! GALAHAD What? LAUNCELOT Quick! GALAHAD Why? LAUNCELOT You are in great peril. DINGO No he isn't! LAUNCELOT Silence! Foul temptress! GALAHAD Well, she's got a point. LAUNCELOT Come on, we'll cover your escape! GALAHAD Look - I'm fine! GIRLS Sir Galahad! He threatens DINGO. GALAHAD No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! GIRLS Yes, let him tackle us single-handed! LAUNCELOT No, Sir Galahad, come! GALAHAD No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily! DINGO Oh yes, let him handle us easily. He starts pulling GALAHAD away. GALAHAD No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them. DINGO Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance. GIRLS We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily... Door slams. LAUNCELOT, CONCORDE, and GALAHAD are long gone. DINGO Oh.... shit! CUT TO outside. LAUNCELOT We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. GALAHAD (dragging his feet somewhat) I don't think I was. LAUNCELOT Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril. GALAHAD Look, let me go back in there and face the peril? LAUNCELOT No, it's too perilous. GALAHAD Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. LAUNCELOT No, we gotta find the Grail. Come on. GALAHAD Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril? LAUNCELOT No. It's unhealthy. They ride off into the distance. GALAHAD Bet you're gay. Silence. LAUNCELOT (pianissimo) No, I'm not. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - OUTSIDE A COTTAGE - DAY Back to the "Book of the Film." The pages are now turned by a gorilla's hand. VOICE OVER Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation but they were still no nearer the Grail. Turn to page on which is written "Scene 24." Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. The scene sets in. An beat-up shack, not much more than a tent, by the side of the forest. PATSY and BEDEVERE's PAGE are chained outside and whinny restlessly. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging ... EVERYONE Get on with it! VOICE OVER Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling... oooff!! MUSIC makes the bridge. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- INTERIOR - SOOTHSAYER'S COTTAGE - DAY Candlelight. The atmosphere is quite spooky. ARTHUR And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? The old blind SOOTHSAYER laughs hoarsely. Where does he live? The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly and says nothing. Old man ... where does he live ... SOOTHSAYER (laughs) He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered. ARTHUR And the Grail ... The Grail is there? SOOTHSAYER There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed. ARTHUR (urgently) But the Grail ... where is the Grail!? SOOTHSAYER Seek you the Bridge of Death ... ARTHUR The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail? The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly. He fades away, and as ARTHUR and BEDEVERE look up he and his hut have vanished. They are alone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - SPOOKY FOREST - DAY Eerie music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of people moving in the forest around them. They start to back cautiously away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind them. They turn in fear and: Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face. TALL KNIGHT OF NI Ni! ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear. PATSY rears up with coconuts. An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black appears. He is extremely fierce and of gruesome, if silly, countenance, with buckhorns framing his jet black helmet. Surrounding him are lesser but also tall KNIGHTS, with silly grey helmets. They are "Ni-ing" fiercely. ARTHUR and PATSY are wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared. almost to the point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or prior to a postering. Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school praeposters. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction.) ARTHUR (wazzed stiff) Who are you? TALL KNIGHT We are the Knights Who Say... "Ni"! ARTHUR No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"! TALL KNIGHT The same! BEDEVERE Who are they? TALL KNIGHT We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee ... Wom! ARTHUR Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale. TALL KNIGHT The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice. ARTHUR Knights of "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers who seek the Enchanter who lives beyond this woods ... TALL KNIGHT NI! ARTHUR Oh! TALL KNIGHT NI! NI! TALL KNIGHT We shall say "Ni!" again to you if you do not appease us. ARTHUR Well, what is it you want? TALL KNIGHT We want ... a shrubbery! Dramatic chords. ARTHUR (contemptuously) A what? TALL KNIGHT Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and their entourage rear back in pain. ARTHUR Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery ... TALL KNIGHT You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood ... alive! ARTHUR O Knights of "Ni!," you are just and fair and we will return with a shrubbery. TALL KNIGHT One that looks nice. ARTHUR Of course. TALL KNIGHT And not too expensive. ARTHUR Yes. TALL KNIGHT (gesturing dramatically) Now - go! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - MODERN FOREST - DAY CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade. His WIFE, who has been kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the glade. They bend over her HUSBAND. One takes out a notebook. CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot" A crash. The pen writing out that title runs foul and scribbles all over. We see a cartoon monk rise up very irritated. The crashes continue outside. The monk, muttering to himself, runs down an immense flight of stairs, then another, then another. SOUND FX of a crash, then a tumble. The monk is at the bottom of the stairs. He runs outside. The sun and clouds are jumping up and down loudly outside the cathedral. They grunt. The monk is very irritated. CARTOON MONK Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Clear off! Go on, go away! They stop and begin to back off. Go away! And you, clear off! The sun is the last to leave. As he does, everything grows quite dark. Bloody weather. VOICE The tale of Sir Lancelot. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- INTERIOR - SWAMP CASTLE - PRINCE'S CHAMBERS - DAY A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a castle window. His FATHER stands beside him. He is also looking out. The PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt). FATHER One day, lad, all this will be yours ... PRINCE What - the curtains? FATHER No! Not the curtains, lad, all that you can see... He indicates the vista in the window. ...stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land, that'll be your kingdom, lad. PRINCE But, Mother ... FATHER Father, lad. Father. PRINCE But, Father, I don't want any of that. FATHER Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I started here all there was was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one ... that sank into the swamp, so I built a third one ... That burned down, fell over, THEN sank into the swamp .... But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what your gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands. PRINCE But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ... FATHER Rather what? PRINCE I'd rather ... just ... sing ... MUSIC INTRO. FATHER Stop that! Stop that. You're not going to do a song while I'm here! MUSIC STOPS. Now listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. PRINCE But I don't want land. FATHER Listen, Alice ... PRINCE Herbert. FATHER Herbert ... We live on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get. PRINCE But, but I don't like her. FATHER Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge tracts of land ... PRINCE I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to have ... a certain ... special ... something ... MUSIC INTRO FOR song. FATHER Cut that out! Cut that out! MUSIC cuts off abruptly. Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! (cuffs him one) ...Guards! TWO GUARDS are standing at attention on either side of the door. One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughout. Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. FIRST GUARD Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him. SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER No, no. Until I come and get him. FIRST GUARD Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER No, no, no ... You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD ... and you'll come and get him. SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER Right. FIRST GUARD We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER No, no. Leaving the room. FIRST GUARD Leaving the room ... yes. FATHER Alright? SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER starts to leave. FIRST GUARD Oh, ... if if if if, ah, if if if, ah, if if if, we... FATHER Yes? FIRST GUARD If if, oh ... (trying to remember what he was going to say) FATHER Look, it's simple. You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. Alright? SECOND GUARD Hic. FIRST GUARD Oh, I remember ... ah, can he leave the room with us? FATHER (carefully) No, no, no .... look, you just keep him in here ... and make sure he ... FIRST GUARD Oh, yes! we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him... FATHER No ... just keep him in here. FIRST GUARD Until you, or anyone else ... FATHER No, not anyone else - just me. FIRST GUARD Just you ... SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER Get back. FIRST GUARD Get back. FATHER Right. FIRST GUARD Right. We'll stay here until you get back. SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER And, ah, make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD What? FATHER Make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD The Prince ... ? FATHER Yes ... make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD Oh yes, of course! SECOND GUARD Hic. FIRST GUARD I thought you meant him! (he points at the other GUARD and laughs) You know it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard ... FATHER Is that clear? SECOND GUARD Hic. FIRST GUARD Oh, quite clear. No problems. FATHER Right. FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The GUARDS follow. Where are you going? FIRST GUARD We're coming with you. FATHER No, no, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD Oh, I see, right. They take up positions on either side of the door. PRINCE But, Father. FATHER Shut your noise, you, and get that suit on! He throws one last look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door. The PRINCE slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window. MUSIC INTRO to song ... The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes his head in. FATHER And no singing! SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER Oh, go and get a glass of water. FATHER slams the door again. The GUARDS take up their positions. The SON gazes out of the window again ... sighs ... thinks ... a thought strikes him ... he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles a quick note and impales it on an arrow ... takes a bow down from the wall ... and fires the arrow out of the window. He looks wetly defiant at the GUARDS, who smile pleasantly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - A FOREST - DAY CUT TO the middle of the forest. SIR LAUNCELOT is riding along with his trusty servant, CONCORDE. He strides over a small stream, hopping on small rocks ... his "horse" does run and jump ... LAUNCELOT Well taken, Concorde! CONCORDE Thank you, sir, most kind ... LAUNCELOT And again, over we go! CONCORDE misses a beat. Good ... Steady! And now, the big one! Come on, Concorde. CONCORDE does the run-up with the coconuts. He does the break for the leap ... the thwack of an arrow is heard. It has hit CONCORDE square in the chest. CONCORDE Message for you, sir. He drops, revealing the arrow with the note. LAUNCELOT Concorde, Concorde - speak to me! LAUNCELOT notices the note. He takes it out and reads it. "To whoever finds this note - I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please please please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call! A cry of distress. This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde ... He lays his hand heavily on CONCORDE's chest. CONCORDE looks up confused. ...you shall not have died in vain! CONCORDE (happily) Ah, I'm, I'm not quite dead, sir ... LAUNCELOT (a bit deflated) Well ... You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! CONCORDE I, I, I think I, I could pull through, sir. LAUNCELOT Oh, I see. CONCORDE (getting up) Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir-- LAUNCELOT pushes him back down. LAUNCELOT No, no, sweet Concorde, stay here. I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular ... ... uhh ... (can't find words) CONCORDE Idiom, sir? LANCELOT Idiom! CONCORDE No, I feel fine, actually. LANCELOT Farewell, sweet Concorde! SIR LAUNCELOT plunges off into the forest. CONCORDE (boredly) I'll, um, I'll just stay here then shall I, sir? He is alone. CONCORDE ...yeah. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - OUTSIDE SWAMP CASTLE - DAY TWO SENTRIES with spears ... slightly wedding-y ... white carnations on their heads. We can hear from inside revelry and celebration music. We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps. The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. The first takes a bite from an apple. We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps. He is getting closer. The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. The first takes a bite from an apple. We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps. He is getting even closer. The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. The first takes a bite from an apple. We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps. He is not quite so close now. The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. The first takes a bite from an apple. LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through and hacks him to the ground. Blood. Swashbuckling music. LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming. SECOND SENTRY Hey! He looks down at his mutilated comrade. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - COURTYARD - DAY CUT TO inside of the castle grounds or courtyard. in the sunlight beautifully dressed WEDDING GUESTS are arriving. Converging on a doorway. A country dance in progress. SIR LAUNCELOT rushes towards them. CUT TO HAND-HELD CLOSE-UPS as he charges through the crowd, hacking right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way. He fights his way through the country dance. Blood. Shrieks. Bemused looks of GUESTS - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise. Groovy Errol Flynn music. Right and left the GUESTS crumple in pools of blood as he fights his way through the door and into the main hall. They keep dancing. CUT TO interior of main hall. Sound of busy preparations. MEN setting up huge hogsheads of wine. MEN putting up last minute flower arrangements. COOKS bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a swan, boar's head, etc. The BRIDE being dressed by several ATTENDANTS. She is a greasebag. SIR LAUNCELOT bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically, hacking, wounding and killing. Again fairly CLOSE-UP chaotic SHOTS. We see GUESTS stagger back wounded - a COOK bites the dust, etc. SIR LAUNCELOT eventually reaches the staircase ... runs up it and into a small door, killing a few more guests and an innocent vase of petunias. CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase. He reaches the door of the PRINCE's room. he flings it open. FIRST GUARD Ah! Now ... you're not allowed to enter aaaaaagggghhh ... SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other guard, who collapses in a heap, hiccoughing quietly. SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the PRINCE, averting his head. LAUNCELOT Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take you... oh, I'm terribly sorry. He realizes HERBERT is not the maiden he was looking for. PRINCE (ecstatic) You got my note! LAUNCELOT (evasively) Ah ... well ... I ... I got ... A note. PRINCE You've come to rescue me? LAUNCELOT Ah, well ... no, you see, umm ... PRINCE (his eyes light up) I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there ... there must be ... someone ... MUSIC INTRO to song. FATHER leaps in. FATHER Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! MUSIC stops. Who are you? PRINCE I'm your son ... FATHER No, not you. LAUNCELOT Ah, I'm ... Sir Launcelot, sir. PRINCE He's come to rescue me, father. LAUNCELOT (embarrassed) Well, let's not jump to conclusions ... FATHER Did you kill all those guards? LAUNCELOT Ah ... oh, yes ... Sorry ... FATHER They cost fifty pounds each! LAUNCELOT Well, I'm awfully sorry and I really can explain everything ... PRINCE Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope all ready ... He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the room. He looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all ready. FATHER You killed eight wedding guests in all! LAUNCELOT Well, you see the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady. FATHER I can understand that. PRINCE (he is now half out the window) Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry! FATHER (to PRINCE) Shut up! ... You only killed the bride's father - that's all. LAUNCELOT Well, I really didn't mean to ... FATHER Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head! LAUNCELOT Oh dear - Is he all right? FATHER You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! LAUNCELOT Well, I can explain; I was in the forest, um ... riding north from Camelot ... when I got this note, you see ... FATHER Camelot? Are you from, ah, Camelot? The PRINCE'S head pops over the windowsill. PRINCE Hurry, Sir Lancelot! LAUNCELOT Ah, I am a Knight of King Arthur's army. FATHER Very nice castle, Camelot. Ah, very good pig country ... LAUNCELOT Is it? PRINCE (out of vision) Hurry, I am ready! FATHER Would you, ah, like to come and have a drink? LAUNCELOT Well, ah, that's awfully nice of you. PRINCE (OOV, loud and shrill) I am ready! As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts it with his knife. There is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground. LAUNCELOT I mean to be so understanding, um, just that when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, ah, sort of carried away. FATHER Oh, don't worry about that. He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT's shoulders as they go though the door. CUT TO the great hall. GUESTS, wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead and injured; sighs and groans, the PRINCESS in her white wedding dress is holding her chest and coughing blood. People dabbing the stains off her dress. FATHER and SIR LAUNCELOT start to walk down the grand staircase, talking to each other. FATHER This is the main hall, we're going to have all this knocked through and made into a big, ah, livingroom ... One of the GUESTS notices and points to SIR LAUNCELOT. GUEST There he is! FATHER Oh, bloody hell. The GUESTS make toward the staircase. The swashbuckling music starts again. SIR LAUNCELOT cannot be stopped. With fearless abandon he throws himself into the CROWD and starts hacking and slashing... FATHER Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please! He has done even more damage before the FATHER can stop him and pull him back onto the stairs. Renewed groans and cries. LAUNCELOT Sorry! Sorry ... You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I really must appologize. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry everyone. GUEST He's killed the best man! FATHER Hold it, hold it! Please! Hold it. This is Sir Launcelot from the court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight and my special guest here today. LAUNCELOT Hello. SECOND GUEST (holding a limp WOMAN) He killed my auntie. FATHER Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who ... We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. Murmurs from CROWD; the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs. But I don't want to think I've not lost a son ... so much as gained a daughter ... Smattering of applause. For, since the tragic death of her father ... SHOUT FROM BACK He's not quite dead! FATHER Since the near fatal wounding of her father ... SHOUT FROM BACK He's getting better! FATHER nods discreetly to a SOLDIER standing to one side. The SOLDIER slips off. FATHER's eyes watch him move round to where the voice came from. FATHER For ... since her own father ... who ... when he seemed about to recover ... suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... A muffled croak. SHOUT FROM BACK Oh, he's died! FATHER I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad ... in a very real and legally binding sense. Applause. And I feel sure that the merger, the union between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot of Camelot ... LAUNCELOT What? Gasp from the CROWD. CROWD Look! The dead Prince! There is the 'late' CONCORDE holding the 'late' PRINCE in his arms. CONCORDE He's not quite dead! PRINCE (hoarsely) Oh, I feel much better. FATHER You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep! PRINCE No, I was saved at the last minute. FATHER How? PRINCE Well ... I'll tell you ... MUSIC INTRO to song. CONCORDE stands the SON on his feet and adopts cod "and now a number from my friend" pose. FATHER Not like that! Not like that! No! But the music doesn't stop and the CROWD starts to sing. CROWD He's going to tell ... FATHER Stop it! CROWD ... he's going to tell ... FATHER Stop it! CROWD ... He's going to tell ... FATHER Shut up! CROWD ... he's going to tell ... FATHER Shut UP! CROWD ... He's going to tell ... FATHER Stop that! CROWD ... he's going to tell ... FATHER (screaming) Not like that! CROWD ... He's going to tell, he's going to tell. He's going to tell, he's going to tell ... CONCORDE (to LAUNCELOT) Quickly, sir, come this way! CROWD ... He's going to tell, he's going to tell ... LAUNCELOT No! It's not right for my idiom. CROWD ... He's going to tell ... LAUNCELOT I must escape more ... (can't find words) CROWD ... about his great escape. Oh he fell ... CONCORDE Dramatically, sir? CROWD ... a long long way ... LAUNCELOT Dramatically. CROWD ... But he's here with us today What a wonderful escape. CONCORDE goes. SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a swashbuckling manner towards a large window. He stops just short of the window and is left swinging pathetically back and forth. LAUNCELOT Excuse me ... could, ah, could somebody give me a push please? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - A NEAR-DESERTED VILLAGE - DAY Toothless old CRONE by the roadside. A cat squeals. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE. ARTHUR Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? Dramatic chords. She crosses herself with a look of terror. CRONE Who sent you? ARTHUR The Knights Who Say "Ni!" The word hits like a shot. CRONE Aaaagh! No. Never. We've no shrubberies here. ARTHUR If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say ... (looks around worriedly) ... we will say..... NI! CRONE Aaagh! Do your worst. ARTHUR Very well. If you will not assist us voluntarily ... NI! CRONE No. Never. No shrubberies. ARTHUR Ni! BEDEVERE Nu! Nu! Arthur winces at Bedevere's error. ARTHUR No, no, no. It's not that, it's "Ni!" BEDEVERE Nu! ARTHUR No, no: "Ni!" You're not doing it properly. Ni! BEDEVERE Nee. ARTHUR Ni, that's it! That's it! You've got it. NI! NI! A STRANGER on a horse appears out of nowhere. ROGER Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman? ARTHUR Erm, yes. ROGER Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land! nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. ARTHUR Did you say ... shrubberies? ROGER (proudly) Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. BEDEVERE (rather aggressively, to ROGER) Ni! ARTHUR No. No. No! No! No! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY WIPE BACK TO the forest glade. The Knights of Ni are now surrounded by a white picket fence and a spiffy bit of garden work. ARTHUR Oh, Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? TALL KNIGHT It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem! ARTHUR What is that? TALL KNIGHT We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni! ONE KNIGHT Ni! OTHERS Sh! Sh! TALL KNIGHT We are now the Knights Who Say: "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-f'tang-zoomboing-zoowlishiv ...." OTHERS Ni! TALL KNIGHT Therefore, we must give you a test. ARTHUR What is this test, O Knights of ... He can't say it. ...knights who 'till recently said "Ni"? TALL KNIGHT Firstly, you must find another shrubbery! Dramatic chords. ARTHUR (dazed) Not another shrubbery - TALL KNIGHT Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. OTHER KNIGHTS ...A path! A path! A little path! ...for the late Knights of Ni! ...Sh! TALL KNIGHT Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest ... WIIITH ... a HERRING! He flashes a large fish. Dramatic chords. OTHER KNIGHTS Yes! A herring! ARTHUR (forcefully) We shall do no such thing. TALL KNIGHT Oh, please? ARTHUR Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done! The Knights of Ni recoil in horror. OTHER KNIGHTS Oh! TALL KNIGHT Oh! Don't say that word. ARTHUR What word? TALL KNIGHT I cannot tell! Suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni! cannot hear! ARTHUR How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is? TALL KNIGHT (cringing in fear) AGHHH! You said it again! ARTHUR What, "is"? TALL KNIGHT (dismissively) No ... not "is"! Wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is." SINGING is heard from within the forest. BEDEVERE My liege, it's Sir Robin! SIR ROBIN appears with his musical companions, looking perpetually embarrased at their presence. SINGERS ... packing it in and packing it up and sneaking away and buggering off and chickening out and pissing off home yes bravely he is throwing in the sponge ... ARTHUR Sir Robin! ROBIN My liege! It's good to see you ... TALL KNIGHT Now he's said the word! ARTHUR Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? ROBIN'S SINGERS He is sneaking away and buggering off ... ROBIN Shut up! ... No no no! Far from it! TALL KNIGHT He said the word again! ROBIN I was looking for it ... TALL KNIGHT AAAGHH!!! ROBIN Ah, here, here in this forest. Arthur regards the wincing loonies around him. ARTHUR No, it is far from this place. TALL KNIGHT Oh!! Stop saying the word! The word! The word we cannot hear! ARTHUR (losing patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF NI) Oh, stop it! KNIGHT Oh, you said it again! ARTHUR (calling) Patsy! ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they ride off. KNIGHT Hey, I said it! I said it! Oh! I said it again! And there again! That's three "It"'s! Ohhh! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANIMATION The segue is illustrated in the manner of a medieval illuminated manuscript. VOICE OVER And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty- four. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS Yay. VOICE OVER In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels ... And there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS Yay. The music shifts. VOICE OVER A year passed ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring changed into Summer, Summer changed back into Winter, and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn ... Until one day ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - WASTELAND - DAY The KNIGHTS are riding along the top of a ridge. The country is wild and inhospitable. A flash of fire appears in the distance. They approach it. ARTHUR Knights, forward! As they approach they see an impressive WIZARD figure striding around, conjuring up fire from the ground and causing a multitude of explosions. He is using up a good deal of the special effects budget. With a flash he too explodes, in an impressive and cinematic manner, and after a bit more fun stands before the Arthur's knights. He wears the horns of a ram and a magician's cloak, and his face is capped by a whitened streak of a beard. ARTHUR What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? TIM I ... am an enchanter. ARTHUR By what name are you known? TIM There are some who call me .... "Tim?" ARTHUR Greetings, Tim the Enchanter. TIM Greetings, King Arthur! ARTHUR You know my name? TIM I do. He does an impressive and frightening fire trick reminiscent of the witch in "The Wizard of Oz." You seek the Holy Grail. ARTHUR (amazed) That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim. TIM Quite. Another fire trick. A ripple of applause from the knights, rather like in a fireworks show. ARTHUR (cheerful but dazed) Yes we're, we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. ONE OR TWO KNIGHTS Yes, yes. Yes it is. Yeah. ARTHUR And so we're ... we're ... we're looking for it. KNIGHTS Yes, we are. BEDEVERE We have been for some time. ROBIN Ages. ARTHUR Ahh ... so anything you could do to ah, to help would be ... very ... ... helpful. GALAHAD (stepping forward) Look, can you tell us ... Another blast. Galahad jumps back, mostly unharmed but scared out of his wits. ARTHUR Fine ... um ... I don't want to waste anymore of your time ... but, ah ... I don't suppose you could, ah, tell us where we might find a ... uh ... find a ... ah ... a ... uh ... TIM (slyly) A what? ARTHUR A Ga ... a ga ... a ga ... a gra ... TIM A GRAIL? ARTHUR (meekly) Yes ... I think so. ALL OTHER KNIGHTS Yes. A pause. TIM Yes. A look of apprehensive happiness returns to their faces. KNIGHTS Oh, thank you. ROBIN Splendid! OTHERS Yes, marvellous. TIM looks thoughtful for a moment and then brings forth another, larger fire trick. ARTHUR Look ... um, you're a busy man ... ah ... TIM Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. Slight pause. ALL OTHER KNIGHTS Thank you. Yes, thank you very much. TIM (intensely dramatic) To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Caerbannog, wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged ... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. ARTHUR Where could we find this cave, O Tim? TIM Follow! He turns and the knights move to follow him, until he whips back around and spits: BUT! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie STREWN about its lair ... So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength come no further, for DEATH awaits you all ... with nasty, big, pointy teeth!! He makes "pointy" motions with his hands. ARTHUR (aside) What an eccentric performance. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXTERIOR - CAVE OF CAERBANNOG - ENTRANCE - DAY CUT TO an impressive rock face. The KNIGHTS are 'riding' towards it. A foreboding atmosphere supervenes. TIM gives a signal for quietness. ARTHUR shushes the 'horses'. ARTHUR Shhh! The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts for a few seconds. Then there is a burst of noise from them including whinnying. BEDEVERE They're nervous, sire. ARTHUR Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dismount! They walk on, leaving PATSY and the other PAGES behind. TIM Behold the Cave of Caerbannog! CUT TO shot of the cave entrance. It seems an enormous expanse, literally paved with human bones. The KNIGHTS get the wind up partially. No sound is heard but the shrill moaning of the wind. Arthur unsheathes his sword. ARTHUR Right! Keep me covered. BEDEVERE What with? ARTHUR W-- just keep me covered. TIM Too late! He ducks. Dramatic chord. A pause. Nothing moves but a small creature in the distance. ARTHUR What? TIM There he is! ARTHUR Where? TIM There. ARTHUR (completely lost) What? Behind the rabbit? TIM It is the rabbit. Longish pause. ARTHUR (contemptuously) You silly sod! TIM What? ARTHUR You got us all worked up. TIM Well, that's no ordinary rabbit ... that's the most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. It is a regular, little white rabbit as seen in the film "Bambi." ROBIN You tit. I soiled my armour I was so scared! TIM Look, that rabbit'