The Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python and the Holy Grail Highlights from the Record Album by Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin, Eric Idle & John Cleese As told to Garrett Gilchrist of Monty Python's PythoNET Visit http://orangecow.org/pythonet NOTE: Included in this file are original sketches done for the comedy album tying in with the film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," first released in 1975. Much of the album is taken up by excerpts from the film itself. Those are not included here. We apologize for the many errors and omissions. This transcript was rather incorrect to begin with and has been rewritten and corrected by so many people that it may have gotten worse. I would fix it myself, but unfortunately I haven't the time. And now ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Congratulations 01 Welcome to the cinema 02 Professional Logician 03 The Silbury Hill Car Park 04 Bomb Threat 05 Executive Announcement 06 The Story of the Film So Far 07 Description of the Three headed knight 08 Problems with projectionist 09 Interview with Carl French (Marilyn Monroe) 10 Projectionist is well again 11 Tim the Enchanter helps the Knights 12 Great Performances 13 Announcement - Sir Kenneth Clarke 14 End of Record 15 CONGRATULATIONS --------------- GC: Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record. You have chosen wisely and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything on this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards, which you have naturally come to expect. The record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. The centerhole has been created to fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of the finest Swiss craftmanship. The audio content has been quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure. There is little or no offending material apart from four cunts, one clitoris, and a foreskin. And as they only occur in this opening introduction, you're past them now! You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and man of good taste. (He farts.) Oh! Sorry! You can edit that out, can't you? Recording Coordinator: Yeah, no problem. WELCOME TO THE CINEMA --------------------- MP: The album of the soundtrack of the trailer of the film of Monty Pithon and the Holy Grail! GC: Python, Python...Python... MP: Live from the Classic Silbury Hills! ... Hello, and welcome to the Classic Silbury Hill, for the --- performance of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I can see through the door of the gentlemens' that the B-feature "Bring me the head of Don Reavy" has only a few minutes left to run, just time for me to tell you a few quick words about the theatre. The Classic Silbury Hill, formerly The Social Club of the Hanover Parks and Burials Department was converted into a cinema in 1941, by Ken Poulsen, father of John, in the Gothic renaissance style. The lavatory complies two --- standard fixtures and a 12-inch enamel wall bar with self- rinsing --- and were opened by Gary Cooper in 1957. Well, I can see now Unison Marine Zapper salesgirls, here through two wars and six different tory administrations, making their way to the front of the auditorium with their sales trays full of ice creams, lollipops, sweets, dubbin,and broken glass. There are several people in the audience this afternoon, this is an old age pensioners' afternoon, and I can see Mrs. Skeleton from the Customs and Exiles in row G, and away there by the statue of Pan is Mr. Hallway, the local Seamen's Union organiser. A surprise visitor is Mr. Bhutto, the president of Pakistan, in Row K, and up in the circle is Enid Pickles, local representative of the Baader-Meinhof group. She is the only one armed here this afternoon. Now, while the film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is being loaded into the huge projectors by Vincent Wong, the Chino-Scottish projectionist here at Silbury Hill, let's look back to that never-to-be- forgotten occasion when the film premiered in London's busy West End. Bob Ghandi is the reporter. EI: Hello, and welcome to Old Compton Street. It's a mild night here, warm for early April, and a large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars. The cars are arriving quite fast now, here's a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche, all white, sliding gracefully up to the doors of the cinema. Commisioner Alf Venables, ex-father of Terry, steps forward, opens the door, and out steps a radiant Miss Taylor herself, looking absolutely stunning and off the --- organs are in silk dress, and next comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and... My God! Burt Reynolds has run into the back of the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture at... Great heavens! It's Steve McQueen --- --- somersaulted through the air and --- into the back bumper of --- And who's this coming through the windscreen of the Mini... yes, it's lovely star Barbara Streisand flying through the air in a beautiful build of creation... and she's landed half on Roger Moore, looking quite well, and half on Jack Nicholson, who's not so well, and who's that under the back wheel? It's..yes! It's Faye Dunaway! No, no... it's Victor --- Yes, all the stars are here tonight...that's --- squashed in between the bonnet and Pete Murray and the box office door... and Shirley Temple ahead battered out of all definition... MP: Ho, yes, a great galaxy of stars there, but now here at the Classic, the lights are dimming, the film is about to commence, so, from the gentlemens' rest room, over colleague, Dougie Nero in the rear stalls. JC: Welcome to the rear stalls! I'm in Row T, just three seats along from the legendary seat 12. And now, the titles are coming to an end, as the film -finally get well and truly all your own... I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Anyway, the film is now underway. [Coconut clopping is heard] And it's going quite well at the moment. Ahh... King Arthur (in film): Whoa, there! (Audience starts laughing hysterically.) JC: Ha-ha, very good, very good! Well, the audience here certainly enjoyed that, uh, visual joke. I only hope the soundtrack does justice to it, because it certainly was, ha, a most outstanding joke. Well, it's still all pretty visual so far, ah, now here is some dialogue. This is the first dialogue scene, a very funny little scene, this, between Arthur and his servant Patsy there and two unnamed soldiers standing on the battlements of this castle. The castle itself is, uh, I'd say 120 to 130 feet high, simple stone walled keep, uh, 14th century probably, and Arthur is engaged in asking the soldier standing right up there on the top of the walls if he knows of any knights who might be prepared to join King Arthur at the Round Table and the knight amusingly replies in a cheerful and quite unexpected ma- MP: Oh, shut up! JC: Sorry. (From "Coconuts" to "Burn Her") PROFESSIONAL LOGICIAN --------------------- Good evening. The last scene was interesting from the point of view of a professional logician because it contained a number of logical fallacies; that is, invalid propositional constructions and syllogistic forms, of the type so often committed by my wife. "All wood burns," states Sir Bedevere. "Therefore," he concludes, "all that burns is wood." This is, of course, pure bullshit. Universal affirmatives can only be partially converted: all of Alma Cogan is dead, but only some of the class of dead people are Alma Cogan. "Oh yes," one would think. However, my wife does not understand this necessary limitation of the conversion of a proposition; consequently, she does not understand me. For how can a woman expect to appreciate a professor of logic if the simplest cloth-eared syllogism causes her to flounder? For example- given the premise "all fish live underwater" and "all mackerel are fish", my wife will conclude not that "all mackerel live underwater", but that "if she buys kippers it will not rain", or that "trout live in trees", or even that "I do not love her any more." This she calls "using her intuition". I call it "crap", and it gets me very *irritated* because it is not logical. "There will be no supper tonight," she will sometimes cry upon my return home. "Why not?" I will ask. "Because I have been screwing the milkman all day," she will say, quite oblivious of the howling error she has made. "But," I will wearily point out, "even given that the activities of screwing the milkman and getting supper are mutually exclusive, now that the screwing is over, surely then, supper may, logically, be got." "You don't love me any more," she will now often postulate. "If you did, you would give me one now and again, so that I would not have to rely on that rancid Pakistani for my orgasms." "I will give you one after you have got me my supper," I now usually scream, "but not before" -- as you understand, making her bang contingent on the arrival of my supper. "God, you turn me on when you're angry, you ancient brute!" she now mysteriously deduces, forcing her sweetly throbbing tongue down my throat. "Fuck supper!" I now invariably conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously to the four winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained floor, transported by animal passion, until we sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yogurt. I'm afraid I seem to have strayed somewhat from my original brief. But in a nutshell: sex is more fun than logic -- one cannot prove this, but it "is" in the same sense that Mount Everest "is", or that Alma Cogan "isn't". Goodnight. THE SILBURY HILL CAR PARK ------------------------- JC: Well, as Arthur rides off through this stunningly beautiful, oh, but mainly visual Scottish countryside, a word about the car park here at Silbury. MP: Well, the Classic Silbury Hill is very fortunate in having --- adequate parking facilities adjacent to the cinema. The car park itself has an asphalt base rimmed with a foreign concrete strips --- --- and brick nugging to a depth of six feet. The parking area could accommodate up to 65 vehicles arranged in a crescent formation. Typical of the skill and architecture used by Enid Poulsen, mother of Ken, father of John, is that the park is self- draining. Over to you, Dougie. JC: And here we are back with the film as Arthur approaches another castle, uh, oh, 170 to 180 feet high, I should say, with an inner and outer bailey in the... MP: Oh, shut up! JC: Oh. [French Taunters etc.] BOMB THREAT ----------- TJ: The management of this theatre wish to announce that they have received certain information to suggest that there may be a bomb located on the premises. Patrons are requested to evacuate this theatre as quickly as possible. While evacuating, the audience may wish to avail themselves at the extensive range of facilities offered in our foyer cells display. Soft drinks, chocolates, and boiled sweets, a variety of dairy, ice cream... (Bomb explodes.) ...hot dogs, roasted peanuts, old copies of Newsweek, big prophylactics, dubbin, broken glass... EXECUTIVE ANNOUNCEMENT ---------------------- GC: The announcement to which you are now listening is available only on the executive version of this record and is not available on any other version. MP: THIS IS SIDE TWO! If you want to play the record from the beginning, PLEASE TURN OVER! Do not play this side if you want Side One! THIS IS SIDE TWO! GC: We would like to apologize to purchesers of the executive version of this record for the paremptory nature of that announcement. The brusque tone was intended for buyers of the cheaper version. THE STORY OF THE FILM SO FAR ---------------------------- MP: The story of the film so far: Doug and Bob are metropolitan policemen with a difference. Doug likes nothing more than slipping into little cocktail frocks, while Bob bouffants his hair for a night on duty. Still, as the art immace, no one gives their last names. THE REAL STORY OF THE FILM SO FAR --------------------------------- Plucky Reginald Vas Deferens is a nuclear scientist in love with mafia boss Enrico Marx, who is himself married to Conchito Macbeth, a lively belly- dancer at the Belgian disco whose manager, burly Ivan Crapp, has a naked daughter Janice engaged to J.J. Spinman, New York private detective, employed by elegant Laura Herron to trace the missing million-pound bidet that Hitler gave to Eva Brown as a bar mitzvah present during a state visit to Crufts, and which remained hidden until a World Cup referee, Horse Jenkenson, was found hanged in a New Jersey tenement with the plans of a Russian secret weapon partially tatooed on his elbow. In Brisbon, the Brain brothers, Nicky and Vance, torture a Mayfair psychologist, who reveals to Dora Brain in a tender and emotional death scene that his hair is not his own. Meanwhile, the Kent Touring Eleven have trapped husky Matilda Tritt on a sticky near Hastings, and she reveals all before enforcing the follow army. Peter Niesewand and Cyril Garfunkel arrive just in time with the Welsh Police and the Harry Orchestra, and proceed to sing a love song which allows Dr. Indira McNorton *just* enough time to cross the alps into Geneva, where he meets Kon Rapp, a kung fu fanatic and cat lover, who frivolously shoots him, but not before introducing him to lively intelligent Norwegian widow Lanny Krimt, who shows him her inner thighs, where he finds the address of a good French restaurant, and unexpectedly meets Gabriello Machismo, an ex- Korean plastic surgeon whose frankly blond assistant Sally Lesbitt is now the half-brother of a distant cousin of Ray Vorn Ding-Ding-a-Dong, the Eurovision song, and *owner* of the million-pound bidet given by Hitler to Eva Brown as a bar mitzvah present during a state visit to Crufts, and which remained hidden, etc. etc. etc. This they now do. Meanwhile, Harold and Victor Medway III discover a newfound love for each other in an flashback near Devon, where they meet up with Doug and Bob, the metropolitan policemen who suprisingly turn out not to be in this film at all, who kill everyone, and live happily ever after. [...after] [Halt!] THE THREE-HEADED KNIGHT IS DESCRIBED ------------------------------------ MP: Yes! It was the dreaded three-headed knight! The fiercest creature for yards around! For second after second Robin held his own, but the onslaught proved too much for this brave knight. Scarcely was his armour damp when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his tactics! [He's buggered off!] [...herring!] PROJECTION PROBLEMS ------------------- JC: Oh, uh, well, uhm, welcome back to the rear stalls. There seems to have been a slight hitch with the film here at Silbury Hill. I can see Vincent Wong, the Chino-Scottish projectionist, uh, lashed to his projector, beating himself with a stick as he tries to put on the next reel, which the enormous grizzly is trying to wrench from his grasp, and I guess, yes, yes, he's on! It's on and I think we're all right! I'm sorry about that delay and back to the film... INTERVIEW WITH CARL FRENCH / MARILYN MONROE ------------------------------------------- Interviewer: Michael Palin Carl French: Graham Chapman MP (Man): You crumb-bum! You always come back here crawling! Well, this time you've crawled too far! MP (Woman): Oh, Jake, Jake! Why did you do it? You could have destroyed the tapes and none of this leftist backlash would have happened! Interviwer: An excerpt from Carl French's latest film. Carl, we're all a little mystified by your claim that your new film stars Marilyn Monroe. Carl French: It does, yes. I: Who died over ten years ago. CF: Uh, that's correct. I: Are you lying? CF: No, no, it's just that she's very much in the public eye at the moment. I: Does she have a big part? CF: She IS the star of the film. I: And dead. CF: Well, we dug her up and gave her a screen test, a mere formality in her case, and... I: Can she still act? CF: Well... well, she-she still has this-this enormous, ah-ah, kind of indefinable, uh... no. I: Was decomposition a problem? CF: We did have to put her in the fridge between takes. I: Ah, what sorts of things does she do in the film? CF: Well, we had her lying on beds, lying on floors, falling out of cupboards, scaring the children, ahm ... I: But surely Miss Monroe was cremated? CF: Well, we had to use a stand-in for some of the more... visible shots. I: Ah! Another actress. CF: A dead actress. But Monroe was in shot the whole time. I: ... How ? CF: Oh, in the ash tray, in the fire grate and vacuum cleaner... I: So Marilyn does not appear in the film. CF: Not as such. I: Mr. French, you're one of the film world's most arrogant queens. I mean not just homosexual or gay or anything, I mean you are a raving queen. CF: Well, yes. I: I mean, a real screamer, a real "Whoops! Get out! Don't mind me dear!" limp-wristed caricature. CF: Is that not in order? I: No, no, that's fine. And I understand that you married the beautiful black heiress Huwena Tanoy partly for the publicity but mostly to cover up the fact that you prefer going out with little boys. CF: Look, really! I: Carl, you're an offending little poof, a mincing gay-bar loiterer, a winnet-covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys! CF: What!? Really! ...Is this part of the interview? I: No, no, I just wanted a few contacts. CF: Well-well, shouldn't we be talking about the film? I: Oh, we've been off the air for ages. Now, where'd you find them? CF: Look, I think we ARE still on the air. I: Oh, sod the fucking air! Do you just still get locked up for that sort of thing? CF: What about the film? I: Just a few addresses, please... CF: Look, we've got James Dean in it, in a box! I: I-I can turn the microphone off if you like... Carl French: And bits of Jayne Mansfield... PROJECTIONIST IS WELL AGAIN --------------------------- JC: Ah, well, back here at the Classic I have good news that Vincent Wong, ah, horribly mutilated, though he has his partly dismembered shoulder bound together with an old --- top hat, has managed to select the correct reel and we're back with Monty Python and the Holy Grail once again. TJ: As Sir Lancelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights lost his way in the forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle a celebration was underway. [One day, lad... ...oh, go get a glass of water] TIM THE ENCHANTER DESCRIBED --------------------------- TJ: Tim, the bizarre and oddly dressed enchanter provides the knights with a final clue that leads them to the Holy Grail. [Yes, I can help you...] GREAT PERFORMANCES ------------------ JC: A fine performance there in the role of Tim the Magician... GC: (Starts talking simultaneously) Vernon Tate, drama critic of the Transport and General Workers' Union. JC: ...by Harry Krepps, formerly of --- now with --- (Simultaneous talk ends) and a performance that will live in the memory along with Sir John Gielgud's "Lire" at Stratford in 1952, Burt Lancaster's extraordinary "Tinker Bell" in Peter Pan at the Globe in '65, Norman Hunter's uncompromising "Polonius" at the Nationals three years ago and, most recently, Claire Bloom's breathtaking portrayal as Jackie Charlton in Peter Hall's "Romeo and Juliet", where Miss Bloom's delicate command of the rococo intricacies of Jordy Abuse was matched only by her tight ball control in the balcony seat. But of all these, Sir John Gielgud's "Lire" stays longest in the memory. Many people still recall his brilliant performances at Stratford that year, but I prefer to remember him one autumn afternoon in front of a hostile crowd at Monalow. The play had been getting pretty rough, with --- and Kent both booked before the interval, and Albany, Edgar and Regan sent off on the --- . But the trouble really began when Cornwall brazenly blinded Gloucester in the penalty area and referee Ken --- Swansea waved "play on", unleashing a storm of booing from the incensed Gloucester supporters which reached a crescendo as Sir John stepped forward. Crowd: Boo! MP: --- is not the king? Sir John: I, every inch a king. When I do stare, see how the subject craves, I pardon that man's life. Man: Offside! SJG: What was the cause? Adultery? Thou shalt not die, no, die for adultery, no --- let copulation cry. For Gloucester's bastard sons --- JC: An outstanding performance there. Sir Alf? JC: Yes, he's certainly very tremendous in terms of his talking and moving and gesturing and being an actor in general, in fact, in terms of his acting I would say... JC: Chou En-Lai? MP: I was tempted to recall the --- in the role of MacBeth. Massive Mob: (Marching) Oh, is this the dagger that we see before us? The handle's towards our hands! Come! Let us touch thee! We have been --- JC: The finest mass Shakespearean tragic hero I've certainly ever seen. Sir Alf? JC: Well, we're going back to join the film in the sixty-second minute in the terms of the, ah, where there's been fighting and killing of the knights by the rabbit in general. [Run away! ... Boom!] ANNOUNCEMENT / SIR KENNETH CLARKE --------------------------------- GC: For the purchasers of the cheaper version of this record: it has already ended. For purchasers of the executive version, there are three more minutes of this album. These three minutes are introduced personally by Sir Kenneth Clarke. (Goes on with a rather poor change in voice) Hello. This is a very nice record, this is. It's a very, very nice record. That's why I like it, because it's very nice. (Telephone rings) Ah, no, that was him. Yes, oh, yes. What? Well, well, he had a bit of a cold. No, I promise you it was. Lo-look, please. We'll miss the end of the story. [The Castle Aaaargh, French Taunters again] END OF THE RECORD ----------------- GC: Well, that's about it, really. The film ends mainly visually. (Footsteps, door slams) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- As told to Garrett Gilchrist of Monty Python's PythoNET Visit http://orangecow.org/pythonet