Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus Programme the First An English translated transcript by Reddogmx Visit Monty Python's PythoNET [http://orangecow.org/pythonet] (Scene: A female presenter in front of mountains.) Presenter: Our next programme was written and performed by 6 young Englishmen. The title is "Monty Python's Flying Circus." The show first appeared on English television 2 years ago. Since then, 25 shows have been made for the BBC in London. However, tonight's show has been specially written, filmed and produced for German and Austrian television. (2 scuba divers come out of a lake in the background.) It's the first time an English comedy team has produced a show entirely for German television. (The divers come closer to the presenter.) The show lasts for 45 minutes, and was filmed in colour at Bavaria Film Studios in Munich. (The scuba divers take her by the arms and throw her in the lake, while she keeps talking.) The young men who write the show all live in London. Four of them are married, and two of them have children. Their average age is 27. Two of them are over six foot. [splash] (A Gilliam animation sees two animated Pepperpots holding a picture of the lake. A man comes into the room.) The Man: And now for something completely different. (He takes a cymbal, and smashes the two Pepperpots' heads with it.) (Animated titles follow.) (We see a runner played by Terry Jones.) Caption on Screen: Live from Athens. (The runner holds up a torch, and a car pulls in and runs him over. Cut to a painting of a man with long hair, and a mustache.) Announcer: Albecht Durer, 1471-1530, the Nuremberg painter who captivated Europe with his sharp eye, his mastery of line and texture, his car hire service. . (Cut to a man behind a desk, played by John Cleese.) Man behind desk: We apologize for the inaccuracies that have crept into this portrait of Albrecht Durer. Durer NEVER operated a car hire service. Thank you. (Cut back to a drawing.) Announcer: Durer drew his inspiration from his birthplace, Nuremberg. Portraits. Landscapes. The detail of nature. Social themes. Religious themes. But always present his fascination with the grotesque. To find out more about Durer the man as opposed to Durer the insect. . . (cut back to the man at desk.) Man behind desk: Watch it! (Cut to more drawings.) Announcer: to find out what went on in the mind of this great artist, we spoke to a person in Sydney (Cut to an Australian played by Michael Palin.) Australian: I know as much about Durer as I know about a kangaroo's rectum. Well, a kangaroo's bum is a pretty tight little number, compared to other marsupials' bums. I personally prefer arse [BEEP] Bum. [BEEP] Arse BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Bum. [BEEP]Arse [BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] (He slugs down some Fosters.) Arse [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Bum. [BEEP] (We again see the man behind the desk.) Man behind Desk: We apologize for the inapposite style of their appraisal of Durer. We'll start again with an appreciation of his life and works, sung by Anita Eckberg. (Cut to a colorful stage in which a cutout figure Sings Albrecht Durer, to the tune of Robin Hood/ Dennis Moore.) Man behind cutout figure: Albrecht Durer, Albrecht Durer, Riding through the glen Albrecht Durer, Albrecht Durer, With his band of men Feared by the bad Loved by The good Albrecht Durer, Albrecht Durer, Albrecht Durer (Repeated) (Again we see the man behind the desk.) Man Behind Desk: We apologize for the song about Durer. It's not being sung by Anita Eckberg, but by a man crouching behind Miss Eckberg. (cut back to the stage. Two men take away the cardboard cutout, to reveal a man, played by Terry Jones, in a suit, still singing. He walks off the stage still singing. Cut back to the painting.) Announcer: The appreciation compiled to celebrate the anniversary of Durer's birth has been abandoned. Instead we bring you Part 4 of THE MERCHANT OF VENICE. Caption on screen: BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. Starring: THE BAD ISCHL DAIRY HERD. (We see a field of cows. The cows moo the words on the screen.) Cow: What? Is Antonio here? Cows: At your service, your Grace. Cow: Call Shylock the Jew to court. Cows: He comes, my lord. Cow: I crave the law! The penalty and forfeit of my bond. (Cut to a stock film of Woman's Institute Applause. We see the runner from the beginning, covered in bandages, still holding the flame, running past workers, and burning all of them. The runner, on crutches, misses a lady holding a umbrella, so he goes back, and sets it on fire. Cut to a Gilliam cartoon, with a hot air balloon that says "AND NOW . . " The balloon explodes, and a naked cartoon lady holds up a sign that says ". . . A Word From A Frenchman." We see the Frenchman, played by Terry Jones, speak in English.) Frenchman: I've been a Frenchman all my life, and have only once been to the lavatory. (More Woman's Institute Applause. Cut to another Frenchman.) Another Frenchman (Michael Palin) :Yes, I agree with this. I have papers here that show that he is a Frenchman, and this certificate here which says that he has not been to the toilet (some French words I can't figure out) . He has not been to the toilet for 5 years. (Cut to another Frenchman.) 3rd Frenchman (Graham Chapman) : Yes. It is true. He has not been to the toilet in 5 years. (He holds up 5 fingers. Cut to a scholar; played by John Cleese. He says some French I can't understand. Cut to FDR, saying even more French which slips right by me, voiced by Terry Jones. Cut to a black and white footage of a man with an eyepatch, voiced by Michael Palin.) Man: True, mothers, he has not been for 5 years already. (Cut to the Chancellor of West Germany, voiced by Terry Gilliam.) COWG: As Chancellor of West Germany, I corroborate the statement that it is five years since he last went to the toilet. (Cut to Richard Nixon, voiced by Mike Palm.) Nixon: We the American people believe sincerely that he has not been to the men's room for 5 years. (cut to the Queen.) Queen: In the five years that I have known him, he has not once been to the toilet. (Cut to a crowd.) Crowd: 5 years? (Cut to the Queen in a car.) Queen: Yes, 5 years. (Crowd groans. Cut to a doctor.) Caption on Screen: A FAMOUS BERLIN SCIENTIST The Scientist (Graham Chapman) :It's definitely five years since he's been to the toilet. Five blissful years (he looks like reminiscing while looking at a picture) which we spent together in idyllic happiness. (Cut to a field. You see the Scientist hold hands and skip with the Frenchman. ) The Scientist: Each day there were so many exiting things to do. But I knew it could not last. It wasn't natural for doctor and patient to find such happiness in each other. Soon I felt the pull of my own kind calling me, beckoning me to return. I knew it would hurt him. But there was no other way. I was born a doctor, and will always be a doctor. (He runs down a hill to other doctors dancing in the pasture.) Our joy was an illusion, a dream from which we had to awake. (A farmer comes in, played by Eric Idle, and puts all the doctors in a pen.) Farmer: I've been breeding doctors for 10 years now. I've a fine herd of obstetricians and short-horn gynecologists. Although their milk yield is low they are . . . (Cut to the man behind the desk.) Man Behind Desk: I'm glad to say we're returning to the profile of Durer which we abandoned earlier this evening. Alterations have been made, and certain people sacked. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present THE LIFE AND TIMES OF ALBRECHT DURER. (Cut to the painting.) Announcer: Albrecht Durer, 1471-1530. The painter who captivated Europe with his sharp eye, his mastery of line and texture. Durer drew his inspiration from his birthplace, Nuremberg. Portraits. (cut to a drawing of a man. His ear falls off. Cut to a ship.) Announcer: Landscapes . . . (A cannon comes out of the ship and shoots a cannonball. Cut to a castle. The cannonball puts a hole into it.) . . .. the detail of nature. (Cut to a horse. The horse's lower half falls off. Cut to an elephant. It's lower half slips into the upper half, and it starts jumping around. Cut to a ballroom.) . . . social themes... (The elephant jumps into the ballroom and a person falls out of frame. Cut to a drawing of three naked ladies. The person falls in front of one.) Cartoon person: Oohh! [BEEP!] (Cut to a desk, which the man no longer behind desk runs and sits at.) Man behind desk: Sorry. I've just heard what's happened. All I can say is I'm sorry. I wasn't watching this time. I was in the canteen having a bun, and somebody told me. I really do apologize. I suppose I ought to stop it, but I didn't see what happened. So I'll hope that it was a mistake made in good faith. So let's hope we can go back now to THE LIFE AND TIMES OF ALBRECHT DURER. (cut to a drawing of a mother nursing a child, surrounded by angels.) Announcer: Religious themes. . . (the angels fall on the mother and she throws one of the baby's legs. Cut to a table with three people at it. The leg hits one of them in the head and he falls down.) [BEEP! BEEP] (Cut to the man behind the desk, looking very angry.) Man behind desk (shouting) : THAT'S IT! STOP IT! I should have stopped it earlier. Sorry, sorry. Back to the programme. (Cut back to Eric Idle's farmer.) Farmer: . . . short-horn gynecologists. Although their milk yield is low. (Cut back to the drawing.) Announcer: Sorry about the interruptions. (Cut back to the farmer.) Farmer:. . . doctors are much easier to muck out and they allow cows more time to spend in the hospitals. (Cut again to a cow, this time behind a truck with a red cross on it.) Cow: A ventricular valve is diseased. We must operate immediately. (The cow comes out from the back of the ambulance, and it reveals that it is wearing a doctor's uniform.) Cow 2: 'Tis true. Come, Antonio. They walk off. (Animated curtains close. Caption on screen says THE MERCHANT OF VENICE END OF ACT 1. Crowd claps in the background. Cut to a film of a formal audience clapping. Cut to a theater critic, played by Eric Idle in the wings.) Theater Critic: It is always a joy to see a new interpretation of one of Shakespeare's works. But seldom do we find something so refreshingly original as this production by the Cows of Bad Ischl. The Merchant of Venice has always been a difficult play for animals. I remember three years ago some chickens from Kaiserskauten trying it and failing miserably. But these cows have avoid-ed the pitfalls that the chickens fell into. They haven t tried to dress up. They haven't tried to make it into an allegory about eggs. And they din' t run away all the time. I loved it. I can't wait to see these fine dairy cows get to grips with Wagner at Bayreuth next week. (You see a castle. Spooky music. Dracula comes up to the screen.) Dracula: Ladies and gentlemen, we present the Doctor's Version of THE MERCHANT OF VENICE. (cut to 2 doctors one played by Graham Chapman.) Doctor 1: Noble Antonio, how is it with you? Doctor 2: I'm suffering from inflammation of the alimentary tract. . . (he goes on while the man behind the desk comes on screen.) Man Behind Camera: For those who turned in hoping to see The Life And Times Of Albrecht Durer, we regret that although two attempts were made to show it, both were abandoned. No more attempts will be made. (He gets off screen.) Doctor 2: . . . perforations of the bronchial tubes could lead to pulmonary. . . (You see a Dirty Old Animated Man watching. He goes in the room. Gunshots and screams are heard. He walks out, humming. Fade out. Fade in to him going up a hill. He sees a female poring beer on a billboard. He looks around to see if anybody's looking, and no one is, so he flashes it. He sees a man on a billboard. He walks away. Next to it, he sees a female on a billboard. He flashes it several times. A Dirty old Animated Woman comes to the sign and sees the Dirty old man exposing himself. She looks to see if anybody is looking and flashes the male sign. The Man sees her and pokes his head in to see what she's flashing. A heart flies over him. Sappy music follows. He flashes again. She looks, and a heart floats over, the two hearts make one big heart and they flash away into the sunset. A caption on the screen says ENDE. An animated woman, voiced by Michael Palin, comes from the sun, and brushes away the letters.) Woman: Get off! Get off! And you with that trick camera. Get lost! Get lost! (She goes inside.) There's a man outside with a trick camera, and he won't go away! (A man's voice is heard.) Man: Really? (The man comes out from the sun, and he has a gun.) Man: Get lost! (He shoots the camera. The camera rolls around and around. It stops on a man played by Terry Jones who is hitchhiking. Several cars pass him by. An Olympic runner in bandages carrying a torch points to his back, as if to say "Hop on!" He picks up the hitchhiker, and gives him a piggyback ride. Pull in to a deep dark forest.) Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a deep dark forest. In this forest there was a little house. (Cut to a woodcutter sawing a piece of wood with his wife.) In this house lived a humble woodcutter and his wife and their pretty daughter Little Red Riding Hood. (Cut to Little Red Riding Hood played by John Cleese, breaking wood over her knee. Cut to the middle of the deep dark forest where a "wolf" that looks more like a puppy.) In the middle of this deep dark forest lived a vicious wolf. (Jarring chord. Two hands pet the "wolf.") One day, Little Red Riding Hood went to take some things to her old Grandmother who lived deep in the forest. (You see Red's eating habits.) The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Hood. "She looks good to eat." (Two hands keep the "wolf" from running away.) "Where are you going, pretty one?" "Kind sir, to my Grandmother's." "Ha, ha, ha!" smirked the wicked wolf, and dashed off to Grandmother's house. (You see a house with smoke coming out of the chimney. The wolf gets led on a leash into Grandmother's house.) Knock, knock went the wicked wolf - the door opened wide. It wasn't Grandmother, it was Buzz Aldrin . . . America's Number Two Spaceman! (Buzz comes out, and a crowd claps.) For this wasn't Granny's house, but the headquarters of NASA, the American space research agency. (He puts the American flag into the ground.) The wicked wolf was shot by security guards. . . (The "wolf" is dragged inside, and gunshots are heard.) . . .the American space program carried on, unmolested by wolves and other forest animals intent on damaging American prestige (The Star Spangled Banner plays.) at a time when development of inter-space communications is of vital strategic and political significance in the free world. (Zoom in on the flag. Cut to Little Red walking through the forest.) Little Red Riding Hood had her arms so full of flowers she didn't notice the approach of Heinz (Heinz is played by Terry Jones, and standing behind a tree.) the Stuttgart Rapist. Poor Heinz, with his bad eyes. Already he had assaulted seven pine trees that morning. How pleased he was to find something that moved. (You hear Little Red Riding Hood being molested by Heinz, while we see the trees. Than you pull down from the trees and see Heinz hanging from one.) Poor Heinz. But soon all the other rapists in the forest heard of his plight and came from near and far (you see many rapists come from near and far) to cut him down. (Cut to another section of the forest.) So all was quiet in the forest again. The humble woodcutter and his wife sold their story to Der Spiegel for 40,000 DM. NASA agreed to limit the use of chemical propellants in unmanned launchings from Granny's house. (Some of the cottage blows up and so does the flag. Cut to an airplane.) Little Red Riding Hood became Telefunken's sales rep to the United Arab Republic, where she lives in Cairo's El Akra district. (See Little Red Riding Hood carrying a suitcase, where she sees a Dirty Man, played by Terry Jones.) Dirty Man: Dirty postcards? Little Red Riding Hood: No, thank you. DM: Dirty Socks? Dirty underpants? LRRH: No, no. . DM: Dirty wood engravings? LRRH: No. DM: Dirty engravings? LRRH: NO. DM: Picture of Albrcht Durer? LRRH: What? (DM shows Little Red Riding Hood a picture. Cut to the picture of Albrecht Durer.) Announcer: Albrecht Durer. 1471-1530. Wadi el Misbih, Durer's birthplace. Its influence can be seen in all his works. Portraits. Landscapes. The detail of nature. All very clean, all very cheap. (Cut back to DM and LRRH.) LRRH: No, no thank you. (You see the Olympic runner again, the hitchhiker frying eggs on his torch. The torch burns out, and the hitchhiker gives the runner the eggs. He walks off into the forest, and puts on his glasses. The runner turns out to be Heinz! He sets up a tent in frenetic, speeded-up motion. Cut to the Olympic sign. A caption on screen says "MUNICH 1972".) Announcer: Hello sport lovers. We're here on this beautiful morning at the 27th Silly Olympiad. First, at the high point of the day, the 100 meters for men with no sense of direction. Olasen, the Silly Swedish Gold Medallist, is in the rear lane. (The starter shoots his gun, and they all race in different directions. Cut to another field.) And now the next final, the 5000 meters for the deaf. (The starter shoots his gun, and the runners all stay there. Cut to a swimming pool.) Now the 2000 meters breaststroke for non-swimmers. (The swimmers jump into the pool and don't get out.) We'll be bringing you back here when they fish out the corpses Now over to the sign of the marathon for incontinent people. There's an enormous entry this year: 44 competitors from 29 countries, all with weak bladders, ready for the world's longest race and aching to go! (The starter's pistol goes off, and the competitors all go for the toilet. Cut back to the 5000 meters for the deaf.) A second start for the deaf. (The starter yells at the runners. He fires his pistol 4 times, and none of the competitors move. The starter throws his gun to the ground. Cut to a woman jumping.) We see the German reverse tower jumpers. (We see stock film of a woman falling off a tower turned backwards. Cut to a bunch of men acting like chickens.) And here's the 3000 meters for men who think they're chickens. It's been a slow race so far. This is the third day, we expect a result in 5 weeks. One snag has been that Abe Seagl, the Canadian champion spotted some corn and they've been pecking away ever since. The British hope, Martin Anthill, started well, but has now settled on the waterjump. (Cut to a man hatching eggs. Cut back to the deaf race.) Although the starter at the 5000 meters has tried machine gun, cannon, nothing will get these men moving. Now he's going to show them. (The starter goes to the middle of the field, and holds up the sign. The deaf run over him. Cut to the marathon for incontinents.) The marathon incontinents are on the road, led by Ian McKellan. (He goes into the grass.) No, Sven Bordlander. No, Kwame N'Boko. No, Manuel Gonzales. No, Ferenc Kocsis. (The announcer goes on and on while the incontenents are still going into the grass.) We leave this event to see the finish of the 1500 meters for people and their mothers. (Cut to a filled with racers, and their mothers.) And in the last 200 meters, Lungis and his mother are at the back because she had to go shopping. Pirelli's mother took her shoes off, her feet were killing her. (A hammer lands.) The hammer that has just landed came from the Throwing the Hammer at America event. (A man throws a hammer. The hammer lands in a Western setting. A man played by Eric Idle comes out of a saloon. A voice is heard.) Announcer: Albrecht Durer, 1471-1530, the Nuremberg cowpuncher and deputy sheriff of Dodge City. [BEEP!] (Cut again to the man behind the desk.) Mar behind desk: Stop that! I've already said that there'll be no further attempts to do a LIFE AND TIMES OF ALBRECHT DURER. That's been totally abandoned. Now let's have some proper entertainment, like a panel game. (Cut to the Western background. There sits a desk with John Cleese, the host, and Mr. Schultz, played by Michael Palin.) Host: Good evening, and welcome to Stake Your Claim. (Cut back to the man behind the desk.) Man behind desk: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Forget about this Western scene! (Cut back to the scene. A program manager-type comes on to the scene.) Program Manager-Type: That sign's wrong. (Zoom into the sign. It says "SEX SHOP".) Do it in the studio. (Cut to a studio.) That's better. (Music plays.) Host: Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim. (The music slows down. A stage manager comes on and takes away a wheel.) Stage Manager: Carry on. (Tape of music rewinds.) Host: Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim. First we have with us Mr. Schultz, who claims he wrote all of Shakespeare's works. Mr. Schultz: That's correct. I wrote all his plays, and my wife and I wrote his sonnets. Host: Mr. Schultz, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you? Mr. Schultz: 43. Host: Well, how could you have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born? Mr. Schultz: That is where my claim falls down. Host: A-ha! Mr. Schultz: There's no way of answering that argument. I was hoping you wouldn't make that point. But you're more than a match for me. Host: Thank you for coming along. Mr. Schultz: My pleasure. Host: Next we have Mr. Hase who claims to have built the Taj Mahal. Mr. Hase (Terry Jones) : Uh, no, no. Host: Sorry? Mr. Hase: No. Host: I thought you claimed to. . . Mr. Hase: Yes, I did, but I can see I won't last a minute with you. Host: Next. Mr. Hase: I was right! Host: . . .we have Mrs. Mund, from Peeneberg, who claims. . What *is* your claim? Mrs. Mund (Graham Chapman) : That I can burrow through an elephant. Host: You've changed your claim - you know we haven't got an elephant. Mrs. Mund: Oh, haven't you? Oh, dear! Host: You're not fooling anyone - in your letter you clearly claim you could be thrown off Schwangau Castle and be buried. Mrs. Mund: No, you can't read my writing. Host: It's typed! Mrs. Mund: Says "elephant!" Host: This is an entertainment show, and I'm not prepared to sit here bickering!! (He takes a break from screaming to put on a forced smile for the cameras. Fade out. Fade in on Schwangau Castle, with Mrs. Mund being thrown from the top. She is then buried.) Host: A round of applause for Mrs. Mund! (Cut back to the studio, where Mr. Schultz comes back.) Mr. Schultz: Excuse me. Host: What? Mr. Schultz: I'm Catherine the Great. Host: The programme's over. Mr. Schultz: I can kill bats with an egg whisk. Host: Sorry. Mr. Schultz: All right, then I claim, I only wrote Act 1 of HAMLET and not the rest. Host: Go away. Mr. Schultz: What? Host: I told you to go away, you uninteresting person. Mr. Schultz: I didn't want to be on your stupid panel game you know. Host: Oh no? Mr. Schultz: No. (He takes off his glasses, and his tie, and eventually his jacket.) I wanted to be a lumberjack. Yes a lumberjack, leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of the South Tyrol. The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty Scots pine. The smell of fresh cut timber. The crash of the mighty trees. With my best girl by my side! And we'd sing, sing, sing! I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK I sleep all night and I work all day Mounties: He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day Mr. Schultz: I cut down trees I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory On Wednesday I go shopping And have buttered scones for tea Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch He goes to the lavatory On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day Mr. Schultz: I cut down trees, I skip and jump I like to press wild flowers I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps He likes to press wild flowers He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars??? He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day Mr. Schultz: I cut down trees, I wear high heels Suspenders and a busenhalter I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my uncle Walter Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels Suspenders and a busenhalter??? ... That's shocking. That's rude. Mr. Schultz: I wish I'd been a girlie just like my uncle Walter ... His Girlie: Oh, Franz! I thought you were so rugged. (The Mounties throw tomatoes at him. Cut to a letter of protest.) Voice over: Dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the sketch about a lumberjack dressing as a lady. I have known many lumberjacks, and only 70% were transvestites. The others formed relationships with farm animals in the usual way. I also knew 2 weight lifters who dressed as kangaroos and then performed intimate acts on a trampoline. How long must society tolerate this pseudo-marsupial behavior? Yours faithfully, Col. Heinrich von Wallaby. (Mrs.) (The piece of paper gets shot, and blood is seen around the edges of the letter. A shooter takes a gun, and places it onto the paper. An animated photographer, voiced by Michael Palin, comes on.) Photographer: Hold still. (He takes a picture.) Thank you. (Cut to a bride & groom.) Hold still. (SNAP!) Thank you. (The bride and groom walk away, to reveal the bride is wearing a tuxedo, and the groom is wearing a dress. Cut to a landscape with numerous houses on it.) Hold still. (SNAP!) Thank you. (The house grows legs and walks away. A man pokes his head out from the landscape, with badges on his suit. He opens his mouth, and starts eating the landscape. He belches. He rings like an alarm clock, trumpets come out of his ears and sound a song. He buzzes. His hair comes off as if it were plastic and his head explodes. A sign is shown coming out of his head when the explosion clears. It says "BAVARIAN RESTAURANT SKETCH." Cut to a live-action restaurant. A waiter [John Cleese] comes to an American couple.) Waiter: Good day, madam. Good day, sir. Man (Graham Chapman) : We want to eat, please. Waiter: Wonderful! A thousand welcomes to the Golden Post. Man: Ah. We hear that this is a restaurant that's typical of Bavaria and full of local colour. Waiter: Indeed, sir. This is truly a typical Bavarian restaurant. The food, the wine, above all the service, is traditional beyond good and evil. (He jumps up in the air, and claps his hands.) Man: What is "beyond good and evil?" Waiter: It is wonderful! Man: Good. This is what we're looking for, dear. Waiter: May we take your coats? (He claps his hands.) Man: Oh, thank you! (An accordion player plays a traditional Bavarian song, and Michael Palin and Eric Idle, the traditional men, comes down the stairs, involving clapping and slapping their knees. They take the couple's coats.) Traditional Men: We're taking your coats in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the mountains stick out of the ground. (They go back up the stairs.) Woman: Wonderful! Beautiful! Waiter: Yes, we're proud that we have more traditions than any other restaurant in Germany. Now, here is your table. (He shows them to their seats. He speaks again.) And now . . . the sitting down of the Americans. (The trad-itional men come and do their same little dance.) Traditional Men: They're sitting down in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the trees are made of wood. (They take out the couple's chairs, and sit them down rather forcefully. They go again.) Man: This is fantastic! Waiter: There is even better to come, Daddy-o! Woman: Wonderful. Waiter: And now, the traditional bringing of the menus. (The traditional men bring a traditional man, played by Terry Jones.) Menu Retriever: We're presenting you with the ceremonial menus in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the sheep seldom wear spectacles. (He kisses, traditionally, both of them, and he kisses the menu.) Enjoy your meal. (He hits them both with the menu, and slams the menu on the table. Then he puts his fingers up their noses, at least it looks like this: if anyone can prove me otherwise, I would be very interested.) We have given them the menus in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, and not in Venezuela! (The waiter comes back.) Waiter: You're all right? Man: Oh, uh, uh, yes fine. Waiter: They didn't hit you too hard? Man: Oh, no, no, no. Waiter: Only it is very traditional. I'm sure you'd like everything to be authentic. Man: Oh, yes! Woman: Just wait till we tell them back home! (Water is splashed on her.) Waiter: A blessing. (He splashes some water on the man.) He then laughs like a maniac, and sticks two knives on the sides of the table.) Traditional Men: He's made them damp in Bavaria. Yes in Bavaria, and scared them SENSELESS! (They go away.) Waiter: Now you must order. Man: Could you recommend something? Waiter: With pleasure! Well, to begin with I would try Soup a la Clown. Woman: What is a la Clown? Waiter: Right in the mush. Man: Fine! Waiter: Next, for monsieur, I recommend Prawns Down the Shirt and Wine Sauce and Dill. (The Man shakes his head "Yes.") Uh-huh? And, for madam, I think the same thing, but up the skirt with cream. Woman: Cream? Man: Yes. Woman: Please. Waiter: And for a main course, I would suggest that monsieur is thrown out of the window with a few sauté potatoes? Man: Wonderful! Woman: And for me? Waiter: For you, I think you should be strapped to the table and beaten about the head with a chicken. Woman: Okay! Waiter: And to go with all this, an ice cold bucket of pig's water. (He snaps and the Traditional men come.) Soup a la Clown. Enjoy your meal! (The traditional men take the man and woman's head and dunk it in the soup.) Quick, the towels! (They take some towels and wipe the couples heads with it rather violently, but still joyfully. The men have some prawns.) Down the shirt for monsieur. (They take the prawns and stick them down his shirt.) And for madam, with cream. (They take some cream and put it down her skirt.) Woman: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Waiter: Pigs water. (He takes the pig's water and pours it on the woman.) Ice cold. (He pours the other glass of pig's water on the man. ) And now, through the window here. (He is taken very roughly by the traditional men.) And for madam, the chicken-beating! (The traditional men pour ketchup on her. You see more traditional men throw the man out the window.) Sauté potatoes. (The men throw potatoes at the man's corpse. The waiter comes out to the dead body.) And the bill, sir. (Cut to a man walking down the stairs. He finally gets to one of those things German people use to carry people. He goes inside. You hear the sound of a toilet flushing. He walks out. The two men carry it away. Cut to animation of two men carrying it. They go into an elevator. A plane catches them, and the plane is caught by a truck. The truck goes into a tunnel. A train comes out from the tunnel. It passes a landscape. A sign flashes on and off. It says "ENDE". Pull into the landscape. From out of the water comes two scuba divers, carrying the announcer from the beginning of the show, and she is still talking. They put her back to where she was, and they go back to the lake.) Announcer: They started writing at Oxford and Cambridge and throughout the years have contributed to many British comedy shows. But this is the first time they've all got together to write for German and Austrian television. I hope you enjoyed it. And now, Albrecht Durer. As told to Garrett Gilchrist Visit Monty Python's PythoNET [http://orangecow.org/pythonet]