We'd Sing, SING!

The

Frightfully Incomplete and Rather Poorly Formatted

Monty Python's PythoNET

SONG LYRICS SHEET

Listen to many of these songs here.

ACCOUNTANCY SHANTY
Sung by Eric Idle
Music by Eric Idle and John Du Prez, words by Eric Idle
From `The Crimson Permanent Assurance'
A Short Subject Preceding 'Monty Python's the Meaning of Life'

Full speed ahead, Mister Cohen!

Up, up, up, your premium
Up, up, up, your premium

Scribble away...
(and balance the books)

Scribble away...
(but balance the books)

It's fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountancy
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy
It can be manly in insurance
We'll up your premium semi-annually
It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptible
We're sailing on the wide accountancy!
Oh this is fun, Mister Cohen. Fetch me another exotic charoot! To port! Bring a port to sherry! And a medium lie sherry to port! Balance the books!

(fade out)

ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY
Traditional, words by Eric Idle
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

All things dull and ugly
All creatures short and squat
All things rude and nasty
The Lord God made the lot

Each little snake that poisons
Each little wasp that stings
He made their brutish venom
He made their horrid wings

All things sick and cancerous
All evil great and small
All things foul and dangerous
The Lord God made them all

Each nasty little hornet
Each beastly little squid
Who made the spikey urchin
Who made the sharks? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous
All pox both great and small
Putrid, foul and gangrenous
The Lord God made them all

AMEN.

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE
BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
Written and sung by Eric Idle
From 'Monty Python's Life Of Brian'
Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse When you're chewin' on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle! And this'll help things turn out for the best ...AND...

Always look on the bright side of life (whistles)
Always look on the light side of life (whistles)
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feelin' in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing

And always look on the bright side of life (whistles)
Come on! ...Always look on the right side of life (whistles)
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it-- It's your last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death
A-just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece a shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughin' as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

And always look on the bright side of life
(C'mon Brian, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
(I mean, what've you got to lose? You know, you come from nothin', you're going back to nothin', what you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
(Nothing will come from nothing... you know what they say. Cheer up, ya ol' bugger! C'mon, give us a grin.)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
(There you are. See? It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
(Some of us've got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
(They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him, I said to him, Bernie, I said, they'll never make their money back.)
Always look on ...

ANSWERING MACHINE SONG
Writen and sung by Eric Idle
From `Monty Python's Complete Waste Of Time'

If you want to leave a message after the tone
Then speak clearly and I'll call you when I'm home
Just say your words and say your name
Leave the time and date you called
And I'll get back to you
Unless you're completely a boring old fart

If you want to leave a message after the tone
And darling, please forgive me, I'm not home
I'm out shopping or trying to buy a dress
So please leave your message, unless you're in distress

Please leave a message after the tone
I'm so sorry this is taking me so long
I hope you're not calling from Australia
Or far from Singapore
Or this whole thing is costing you a fortune
As well as being a bore

(sobbing) Leave a message, please leave me a message after the tone
Because ... alright I am! I am home! I am, I am, I am!
I'm locked up in the bathroom all alone
Please leave a-me a message after the tone

ANYTHING GOES
By Terry Jones
AKA Cole Porter (not that Cole Porter)
From 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'

Anything goes in.
Anything goes out!
Fish, bananas, old pyjamas,
Mutton! Beef! and Trout!
Anything goes in ...

(repeat until ears fall off)

THE BACKGROUND TO HISTORY
By Neil Innes
Sung by Neil and the Pythons
From the 'Matching Tie and Handkerchief' Album
The Background to History, Part IV PROF. JONES: Good evening. One of the main elements in any assessment of the medieval open-field farming system is the availability of plough teams for the winter plowing. Professor Tofts of the University of Manchester puts it like this: (A rocking beat starts and a 60s-style folk rock song with some heavy caribbean influence begins.)

To plough once in the winter
Sowing, and again in Lent,
Sowing with as many oxen
Sowing with as many oxen
As he shall have yoked in the plough
Oh yes
Oh yes
As he shall have yoked in the plough.
Oh yes
Oh yes

PROF. JONES: But of course there is considerable evidence of open-field villages as far back as the tenth century. Professor Moorhead: (Dramatic metal chords, reminiscent of British punk or perhaps groups like Black Sabbath.)

Theeeeeere's ev-i-de-ence
Theeeeeere's ev-i-de-ence

There's evidence (evidence)
Evidence (evidence)
Evidence (evidence?)
There's evidence (evidence!)

Evidence of settlements with one long village street,
Farmsteads, hamlets, little towns - the framework was complete
By the tiiiiime ... (OF THE NORMAN CONQUEST!)
The rural framework was complete
Rur-al
frame-work
wa-as
com-plete.

PROF. JONES: This is not to say, of course, that the system was as sophisticated as it later came to be. I asked the Professor of Medieval studies at Cambridge why this was. PROF. HEGERMAN: (stuttering) Well, i-it may not have been a - a statutory obligation, but, uh, I mean, uh, a guy who was a freeman whuh - was obliged in the medieval system to... PROF. JONES: To do boonwork? PROF. HEGERMANN: That's right. There's an example, ah, from the village rolls, ah, in 1313. PROF. JONES: And I believe you're going to do it for us. PROF. HEGERMAN: That's right, yeah... (Pop-y beat sets in, reminiscent of the Beatles in their later period but with some of the spastic quality of a Joe Cocker.)

Oh it's written in the village rolls
That if one plough-team wants an oxen
And that oxen is lent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the loooord's consent.
Yeah, yeah,
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent.

That was a talk on the open-field farming system by Professor Angus Jones. Some of the main points covered in this talk are now available on a long-playing record entitled "The Ronettes Sing Medieval Agrarian History."

BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BONG
Words by Graham Chapman, music by Fred Tomlinson
Sung by Graham Chapman and the Fred Tomlinson Singers
From `Monty Python's Flying Circus'

(continued from "Sgt. Duckie's Song") Voice Over: And so, Inspector Zatapathique, the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad, sings his song 'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong.' (hushed, low-toned choir. A very somber mood.) Zatapathique: (spoken) Quoi? Quoi? Tout le monde, quoi? ... Pourquoi? ... le monde ... le monde! ... Bête! ... Le monde ... d'habitude ... (music starts) ... mais ... je pense ... (At this point Zapatique screams incoherently while the chorus sings rapidly:)

Bing tiddle tiddle BANG
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle
Bung tiddle tiddle BONG
Bung tiddle tiddle bing
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bang bong bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong bang (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)

Bing tiddle tiddle BANG
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle
Bung tiddle tiddle BONG
Bung tiddle tiddle bing
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bang bong bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong bang (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bong bang (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)

Bing tiddle tiddle biiiiiing...

How they fared: 1st: Monaco with "Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong" 2nd: Italy with "Si Si Boing Bang" 3rd: Germany with "Nein Bong Über Tiddle" 4th: England with "Bang Bang Bang Bang" 4th: Ireland with "Ay Ay Ay Ay" 4th: Scotland with "Och Och Och Och" 4th: Israel with "Oy Oy Oy Oy" 5th: France with "Post Coitum Omnia Animal Tristes Est" 6th: Sweden with "Ding Ding a Dong"

BRAVE SIR ROBIN
Music by Neil Innes, words by Eric Idle
Sung by Neil Innes
From 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'
Song 1 -

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from Camelot
He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin

His head smashed in, and his heart cut out
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off
And his penis ...

Song 2 -
Brave Sir Robin ran away,
Bravely ran away, away
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly, he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin

Song 3 -
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

BRIAN SONG
Music by D. Howman and A. Jacquemin, words by Michael Palin
Sung by Sonia Jones
From `Monty Python's Life Of Brian'

Brian
The babe they called Brian
He grew
Grew, grew, and grew
Grew up to be
Grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian
He had arms
And legs
And hands
And feet
This boy
Whose name was Brian
And he grew
Grew, grew, and grew
Grew up to be
Yes, he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they called Brian
This man called Brian!

BRUCES' PHILOSOPHERS SONG
Words and music by Eric Idle
Sung by the Pythons
From Several Albums and the 'Hollywood Bowl'

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant
who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table*
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Froederich Hegel**
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach ya
'bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed

John Stewart Mill, of his own free will
on half a pint of shanty was particularly ill
Plato, they say, could stick it away
'alf a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed

* Or "drink you under the table" ** Or "Schopenhauer and Hegel"

CAMELOT SONG
Words by Graham Chapman and John Cleese, music by Neil Innes
Sung by The Knights Of The Round Table
From 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'

We're Knights Of The Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines
And chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot!

We're Knights Of The Round Table
Our shows are formidable
But many times
We're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable
We're Opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot!
(dance interlude)
In war, we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot

SOLO:
I have to push the pram a lot...

CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
Music by Eric Idle, words by Terry Jones
Sung by Graham Chapman
From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's truly a real honorable experience to be here this evening, a very wonderful and emotional moment for all of us, and I'd like to sing a song for all.... of you...
It's Christmas in Heaven
All the children sing
It's Christmas in Heaven.
Hark, hark, those church bells ring.

It's Christmas in Heaven
The snow falls from the sky
But it's nice and warm, and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.

It's Christmas in Heaven
There's great films on TV:
`The Sound of Music' twice an hour
And `Jaws' One, Two, and Three.
JOSEPH AND MARY:
There's gifts for all the family.
There's toiletries and trains.
THREE WISE MEN:
There's Sony Walkman Headphone sets
And the latest video games.
EVERYONE:
It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Christmas day!

It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Christmas day!

ALTERNATE LYRICS: These were the lyrics to "Christmas in Heaven" as found in the shooting script. We affectionately dub this longer version the "FISH!" version.
It's Christmas in Heaven!
All the children sing! (Fish!)
It's Christmas in Heaven ...
Hark! Those church bells ring!

It's Christmas in Heaven,
The snow falls from the sky ... (Fish!)
But it's nice and warm and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.

It's Christmas in Heaven
There's great films on TV ... (Fish!)
The Sound of Music twice an hour
And Jaws I, II and III!

Celebrity Squares has Brando on,
The game shows offer more! (Fish!)
And all the clips on Disney Time
Have never been seen before!

It's Christmas in Heaven!
You can drink all day ... (Fish!)
And if it's your time of the month,
Girls! It'll go away! (Fish!)

You don't spend a penny
Cause this is heaven here! (FISH!)
(Though you can still get huge discounts
Off all spirits wines and beer!)

There's fish for all the family:
Toiletries and trains (FISH!)
Sony Walkman Fishphone sets
And the latest video games (ABOUT FISH!)

It's Fishmas in Heaven!
You are home with God, (FISH!!)
And lots of dace and carp and bream
And halibut and cod! (FISHY FISHY I O)

So all good things to everyone
That's all we have to say (sh!)
Cause there are fish in Heaven
And ... it's Christmas ... every ... day!

DECOMPOSING COMPOSERS

Written and sung by Michael Palin
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

Beethoven's gone, but his music lives on
And Mozart don't go shopping no more
You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again
And Elgar doesn't answer the door
Shubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh
Whilst composing a long symphony
But one hundred and fifty years later
There's very little of them left to see

They're decomposing composers
There's nothing much anyone can do
You can still hear Beethoven
But Beethoven cannot hear you
(rather warped section of Beethoven's Fifth)
Handel and Hayden and Rachmaninoff
Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal
But now-a-days no one will serve them
And their gravy is left to congeal
Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds
With their highly original sound
The pianos they played are still working
But they're both six feet under ground

They're decomposing composers
There's less of them every year
You can say what you like to Debussy
But there's not much of him left to hear
Achille Debussy, Died 1918. Cristophe Willibald Gluck, Died 1787. Karl Maria Von Weber, not at all well 1825, died 1826. Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863, not still alive 1864. Modest Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties, no fun anymore 1881. Johan Nepomuk Hummel, chatting away nineteen to the dozen with his mates down at the pub every evening 1836... 1837, nothing.

DENNIS MOORE
Traditional (sorta), words by Graham Chapman and John Cleese
Sung by the Fred Tomlinson Singers
From `Monty Python's Flying Circus'

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Galloping through the sward
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
And his horse Concorde
He steals from the rich
And gives to the poor
Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Riding through the night
Soon every lupin in the land
Will be in his mighty hand
He steals them from the rich
And gives them to the poor
Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Dum dum dum the night
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Dum de dum dum plight
He steals dum dum dum
And dum dum dum dee
Dennis dum, Dennis dee dum dum dum

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Riding through the woods
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
With a bag of things
He gives to the poor
And takes from the rich
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Riding through the land
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Without a merry band
He steals from the poor
And gives to the rich
Stupid bitch

DO WHAT JOHN
Words and music by Eric Idle
Sung by the Pythons
From `Contractual Obligation Album'

Do what John? Do what John?
Come again, do what?
Do what John? Do what John?
Do what? Do what? Do what?
Do where John? Do where John?
Wiv what, wiv whom and when?
T'rific, really t'rific
Pardon? Come again?

Do what John? Do what John?
Come again, do what?
Do what John? Do what John?
Do what? Do what? Do what?
Do where John? Do where John?
Wiv what, wiv whom and when?
T'rific, really t'rific
Pardon? Come again?

ERIC THE HALF-A-BEE
Music by Eric "not a bee" Idle, words by Idle and John Cleese
Sung by John Cleese
From `Monty Python's Previous Record'
Take it away, Eric the orchestra leader! ORCHESTRA LEADER:
A one, a two, a one, two, three, four -
(piano intro) Half-a-bee, philosophically Must ipso-facto half not-be. But half the bee, has got to bee Vis-a-vis its entity ... d'you see? But can a bee be said to be Or not to be an entire bee When half the bee is not a bee Due to some ancient injury? Singing...
La di di, one-two-three
Eric The Half-A-Bee
A-B-C-D-E-F-G
Eric The Half-A-Bee
Is this a-wretched demi-bee
Half asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a managerie?
NO! It's Eric The Half-A-Bee!
A fiddle-di-dum, a fiddle-di-dee
Eric The Half-A-Bee
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee
Eric The Half-A-Bee
I love this hive employ-e-e
Bisected accidentally
One summer afternoon by me
I love him, carnally
He loves him carnally
Semi-carnally. The end. Cyril Connolly? No, semi-carnally! Oh. (softly) ...Cyril Connolly...
(ends with elaborate whistle)

EVERY SPERM IS SACRED
Music by D. Howman and A. Jacquemin, words by M. Palin and T. Jones
Sung by Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Company
From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists
There are Hindus, and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed BUT
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic
And have been since before I was born
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
They'll take you as soon as you're warm

You don't have to be a six footer
You don't have to have a great brain
You don't have to have any clothes on
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came
Because...

Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate

Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground
God shall make them pay
For each sperm that can't be found

Every sperm is wanted
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
Spill theirs just anywhere
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care

Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood

Every sperm is useful
Every sperm is fine
God needs everybody's
Mine, and mine, and mine

Let the pagans spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill and plain
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain

Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood

Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate

FERRET SONG
Music by Bob Leaper (traditional)
Words by Graham Chapman and John Cleese
Sung by John Cleese
With David Hatch, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Jo Kendall and Bill Oddie
From `At Last, the 1948 Show' (before Python)

David: Time now for a song. And who should be singing it for us but... John Cleese. Tim: Anybody should be singing it for us but John Cleese! David: Be that as it may, here he is. John Cleese and the Loving Pruneful with... "The Ferret Song."

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.)
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically affects my sense of smell.
(His sense of smell.)

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(It starts singing when he wears his formal clothes.)
I can almost stand the noise
But at parties it destroys
My hard-earned and carefully cultivated social poise.

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(Worst of all it constantly explodes.)
"Ferrets don't explode," you say
But it happened nine times yesterday
And I should know for each time I was standing in the way.

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(It pokes its head out every time he blows.)
I can stand it for a while
Although it's absolutely vile
It's not as bad as last week when I had a crocodile.

I can see a bare-bottomed mandril.
(Slyly eyeing his other nostril.)
I really don't know what to do
But if it jumps inside there too
I shall be the proud posessor of a kind of nasal zoo.
(A nasal zoo.)

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.)
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically affects...

My sense of smell!

FINLAND
Written and sung by Michael Palin
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation' album

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Pony trekking or camping
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
It's the country for me
You're so near to Russia
So far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo
Lots of miles from Vietnam

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Eating breakfast or dinner
Or snack lunch in the hall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
You're so sadly neglected
And often ignored
A poor second to Belgium
When going abroad

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
All together now, Finophiles!!
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
Finland has it all...

If you've enjoyed hearing this song and would like to know more about Finland, why not ring Mr. Griffiths of Hemill-Hampstead? He and his charming wife Edna would be glad to answer any of your questions, and - who knows? - may show you some of their unrivaled collection of scandinavian credit cards.

GALAXY SONG
Words by Eric Idle, music by Idle and John Du Prez
Sung by Eric Idle
From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown And things seem hard or tough And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-ough
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source of all our power
The sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side
It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick
But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide
We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point
We go 'round every two hundred million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe...
(Animated calliope interlude)
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whiz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

A peek into an early, unfinished version of this song:

This galaxy itself and our sun with it
And every other star that we can see
At half a million miles an hour is belting
Round the centre of Milky Galaxy.
And our Galaxy is only one of millions
That's 100,000 light years side to side
All expanding outwards from each other
At several thousand miles a second so
they never can collide.

HENRY KISSINGER
Written and sung by Eric Idle
From the `Contractual Obligation Album'

Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're the Doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
And your machiavellian schemes
I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy but at least you're not insane
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here

Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're so chubby and so neat
With your funny clothes and your squishy nose
You're like a German parakeet
All right so people say that you don't care
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here

HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE
Words and music by Eric Idle
Sung by Terry Jones
From the `Contractual Obligation Album'

Here comes another one
Here it comes again
Here comes another one
When will it ever end?

I know whatever it is
I've not seen one before
But here comes another one
And here comes a bunch of 'em
Here comes another one
Thank God I'm not having lunch with them
-- Um, that's it, is it? Well, obviously it would be better with a full orchestra... -- Y-yes, I suppose it would.[Disco, Country, and Bagpipe Versions Available]

HE'S GOING TO TELL
Music by Neil Innes, words by the Pythons
Sung by Swamp Castle Guests
From `Monty Python and the Holy Grail'

He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell about his great escape.
Oh, he fell a long, long way,
But he's here with us today.
What a wonderful escape!

HOW SWEET TO BE AN IDIOT
Written and sung by Neil Innes
From "Hollywood Bowl" and others

How sweet to be an Idiot
As harmless as a cloud
Too small to hide the sun
Almost poking fun
At the warm but insecure untidy crowd

How sweet to be an idiot
And dip my brain in joy
Children laughing at my back
With no fear of attack
As much retaliation as a toy
How sweet to be an idiot
How sweet

I tiptoe down the street
Smile at everyone I meet
(smiles, bangs piano)
But suddenly a scream
Smashes through my dream
Fee fi fo fum
I smell the blood of an asylum
(Blood of an asylum? But motherI'mplayingsobeautifullylistenhaha!)
Fee fi fo fum
I smell the blood of an asylum
Hey you, you're such a pedant
You got as much brain as a dead ant
As much inagination as a caravan site

But I still love you, still love you, Oooh
How swee-ee-eet to be an idiot
How sweet
How sweeeeet
Ho-o-ow swee-eet...

I BET YOU THEY WON'T PLAY
THIS SONG ON THE RADIO
Written and sung by Eric Idle
From the `Contractual Obligation Album'

I bet you they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they won't play this new (*beep*) song
It's not that it's (&heeeeh&) or (^honk honk^) controversial
Just that the (%bing%)ing words are awfully strong

You can't say (#awoooga#) on the radio
Or (@skip@)
Or (~bounce~)
Or (!AARRRGH!)
You can't even say I'd like to (+twirl+) you some day
Unless you're a doctor with a very large (*boing*)

So I bet you they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they won't (::scratch::)ing well program it
I bet you the ($chi-ching$)ing old program directors
Will think it's a load of horse (poot)

IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.I.D.
Written and sung by Graham Chapman & John Cleese
From the "Flying Circus" Episode 3

INSPECTOR DIM:
If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song!

INSPECTOR DIM and THE COURT:
If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long.
With a scrub-a-dub-dub and a rub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this very song! Hey!
[music stops] COUNSEL:
If I were not before the bar
Something else I'd like to be.
If I were not a barrister
An engine driver me!
With a chuff-chuff-chuff and a chuff-chuff-chuff--
[awkward silence]

I LIKE CHINESE
Written and sung by Eric Idle
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'
The world today seems absolutely crackers. With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high. There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger. It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why...
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please

I like Chinese (*pop*)
I like Chinese (drink filling in glass)
There's 900 million of them in the world today
You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say

I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They come from a long way overseas
But they're cute, and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please

I like Chinese food
The waiters never are rude
Think all the many things they've done to impress
There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess

So I like Chinese (chopsticks in background)
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese

I like Chinese thought
The wisdom that Confucious taught
If Darwin is anything to shout about
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt

So I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they're wise, and they're witty, and they're ready to please
All together:

(In Chinese:)

Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma zhaijen!

I like Chinese
I like Chinese
Their food is guaranteed to please
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees (*ding*)

I like Chinese
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese

I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees... (fade out)

I'm So Worried!
Written and sung by Terry Jones
From the `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation' Album

I'm so worried about what's happening today
In the Middle East, you know
And I'm so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow

I'm so worried about the fashions today
I don't think they're good for your feet
And I'm so worried about
The shows on TV
That sometimes they want to repeat

I'm so worried about what's happening today, you know
And I'm worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow

I'm so worried about
My hair falling out
And the state of the world today
And I'm so worried about
Being so full of doubt
About everything anyway

I'm so worried about modern technology-y
I'm so worried about all the things that they dump in the sea-ea
I'm so worried about it
Worried about it
Worried, worried, worried...

I'm so worried about
Everything that can go wrong
I'm so worried about
Whether people like this song
I'm so worried about
The very next verse
It isn't the best that I've got
And I'm worried about whether I should go on
Or whether I shouldn't just stop

...I'm so worried about
Whether I ought to have stopped
And I'm worried because
It's the sort of thing I ought to know
And I'm so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow

...I'm so worried about
Whether I should have stopped then
I'm so worried that I'm
Driving everyone around the bend
I'm so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow

I'M THE URBAN SPACEMAN
Written and sung by Neil Innes
Off the Bonzo Dog [Doo Dah] Band version
From "Live at the Hollywood Bowl" and elsewhere
Eric: Well, now it's talent spotting time, ladies and gentlemen, and please see if you can spot any talent in our next competitors. Will you please give a very big hand and a warm welcome to Carl Weetabix and Rita! Neil: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it's wonderful to be. You know, not so long ago, and it's been very lucky for me. Thank you.

I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I've got speed,
I've got everything I need.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I could fly,
I'm a supersonic guy
I don't need pleasure, I don't feel pain,
If you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again
I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I'm making out,
I'm all about

I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face
My natural exuberance spills out all over the place
I'm the urban spaceman, I'm intelligent and clean,
Know what I mean?

I'm the urban spaceman, as a lover second to none,
It's a lot of fun
I never let my friends down, I've never made a boob
I'm a glossy magazine, an advert on the tube
I'm the urban spaceman babe, but ... here comes the twist
I don't exist.

I'VE GOT TWO LEGS
Written and sung by Terry Gilliam
From "Hollywood Bowl" and elsewhere
And now, Mister Terry Gilliam will sing for you "I've Got Two Legs." (clears throat loudly)
I've... got two legs from my hips to the ground and...
When I move 'em they walk around and...
When I lift 'em they climb the stairs and...
When I shave 'em they ain't got hairs
I've got two ...

[:::EXPLOSION:::]

JELUSAREM
(An Oriental Version of the Popular Hymn)
Traditional, words by Graham Chapman
Sung by Graham Chapman
From 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' etc.

And did those feet in ancient times
Wark upon Engrand's mountains gleen?
And was the Hory Ramb of God
On Engrand's preasant pastules seen?

And did the Countenance Divine
Shine folth upon our crouded hirrs?
And was Jelusarem buirded hele
Among these dalk Satanic mirrs?

Bling me my bow of bulning gord!
Bling me my allows of desile!
Bling me my speal! O crouds unford!
Bling me my chaliot of file!

I sharr not cease from mentar fight
Nol sharr my swold sreep in my hand
Tirr we have buirt Jelusarem
In Engrand's gleen and preasant rand.

LUMBERJACK SONG
Music by M. Palin, T. Jones, and F. Tomlinson, words by Jones and Palin
Sung by Michael Palin and the Fred Tomlinson Singers
From `Monty Python's Flying Circus' and others
I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia... The Fir! The Larch! The Redwood! The mighty Scots Pine! The plucky little Aspen! The great limping rude tree of Nigeria! With my best gal by my side, we'd sing, SING...
Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day

Mounties: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatory
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea

All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
(A brief, confused pause) All: ...He's a lumberjack, and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears...high heels? Suspenders... and a bra?! Wants to be a girlie?! Poofter! Bloody poofter! Pinko commie fairy faggot... HIS GIRL: Oh, Bevis! And I thought you were so RUGGED!! (footsteps, door slams)
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Sleeps all night and he works all day!

HOLZFÄLLER SONG
(For German Lumberjacks)
Music by M. Palin, T. Jones, and F. Tomlinson, words by Jones and Palin
Sung by Michael Palin and the Fred Tomlinson Singers
From "Monty Python's Fleigender Zirkus"

Ich bin ein Holzfäller und fühl mich stark
Ich schlaf des Nachts und hack am Tag

Er ist ein Holzfäller und fühlt sich stark
Er schlaft des Nachts und hackt am Tag

Ich fälle Bäume, ich ess mein Brot
Ich geh auf das WC
Am Mittwoch geh ich shopping
Kau kekse zum kaffee

Er fällt die Bäume er isst sein Brot
Er geht auf das WC
Am Mittwoch geht er shopping
Kaut kekse zum kaffee

Er ist ein Holzfäller und fühlt sich stark
Er schlaft des Nachts und hackt am Tag

Ich fälle Bäume und hupf und spring
Steck Blumen in die Vas
Ich schlupf in Fraukenleider
Und lummel mich in Bars

Er fällt Bäume, er hupft und springt
Steckt Blumen in die Vas
Er schlupft in Fraukenleider
Und lummelt sich in Bars...?

Er ist ein Holzfäller und fühlt sich stark
Er schlaft des Nachts und hackt am Tag

Ich fälle Bäume, trag Stockelschuh
Und Strumpf und Bustenhalter
Wär gern ein kleines Mädchen
So wie mein Onkel Walter

Er fällt die Bäume, tragt Stockelschuh
Und Strumpf und Bustenhalter...?

THE MEANING OF LIFE
Music by Eric Idle and John Du Prez, words by Eric Idle
Sung by Eric Idle
From `Monty Python's the Meaning of Life'

Why are we here, what's life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?
Well tonight we're going to sort it all out,
For tonight it's the Meaning of Life.

What's the point of all this hoax?
Is it the chicken and egg time, are we just yolks?
Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes,
Well ça c'est the Meaning of Life.

Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say
Or are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA?

(nay nay nay nay nay nay)

In this life, what is our fate?
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving, or is it too late?
Well tonight here's the Meaning of Life.

For millions this life is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round with rien, nothing to say
While the scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA.

(nay nay nay nay nay nay)

So just why, why are we here?
And just what, what, what, what do we fear?
Well çe soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For this is the Meaning of Life - c'est le sens de la vie -
This is the Meaning of Life.

EARLIER DRAFT LYRICS:

For millions this life is a sad veil of tears
While the cynical think it's just funny
But tonight we've sorted the whole damn thing out
And we've even used Hollywood money.

So just who we are and why we are here
Tonight for a change will all be made clear
So sit back and relax and lend us an ear
For this is the Meaning of Life.

THE MEANING OF LIFE (alternate)
Written and sung by Eric Idle
From Eric's Live Show and "Pythonline"

Eric: Thanks. I was just talking to the band backstage which is a thing I do, they're quite nice, and I realized it's actually 30 years to the day since we started to film Monty Python all those years ago... (applause) Thank you. Thank you. And so I think it would be not inappropriate if I said a quick word of thanks to Michael, Terry, Terry, John and Graham... (more applause) ...who can't be with us tonight, but without whom I would not be here. And so, we were a rather arrogant bunch of writers, as you might have gathered and we would not let Universal see a film script before we shot that film. We wanted to avoid their notes at all costs. We figured if we couldn't work out how to make a Monty Python film they couldn't tell us, so we submitted a poem and a budget. (laughter) It was a rather stupid poem and it went like this:
There's everything in this movie,
Everything that fits.
From the Meaning of Life in the universe,
To girls with great big tits.
We've got movie stars and foreign cars,
Explosions and the lot
Filmed as only we know how,
On the budget that we've got.
We spent a fortune on locations
And quite a bit on drink
And there's ever the odd philosophical joke,
Just to make you buggers think.
Yet some parts are as serious
And as deep as you could wish
But largely it's all tits and ass
And quite a bit of fish.
Other bits are fairly childish
And some are frankly rude
But at least we've got a lot of nice girls
All banging around in the nude.
So take your seats, enjoy yourselves
And let's just hope it's funny
Because it's not only done to make you laugh
But to make us lots of money.
So sit back and have a good time
With your boyfriend or your wife
Relax and just enjoy yourself
For this is the Meaning of Life

Eric: And to their credit, they payed for the film on that. (applause) So who can blame them if they kept the money?

Below we have the original lyrics for The Theme Song for The Meaning of Life, discovered and presented by Roger Saunders of Mayday - to whom many thanks.Incidentally any relationship to the song later sung by Gary Shandling on his first series is purely co-incidental and shows the inevitability of all good ideas.

This is the theme song
Of this motion picture
You are about to see
Theme song
This is the marvellous theme song
And it was written specially
For you by me
Theme song
I'm singing this great theme song
At the front of this fine movie
While they put up the names
Of all the chappies on location
And all the people who helped
To make possible
The theme song
I'm in a studio singing you
The theme song
For quite a bit of money
Which they are going to give me
When I've sung the theme song
The Monty Python theme song
For their latest movie
Which has cost a fair amount of money
Much more than they expected
So they're hoping
They can make a little extra
From the theme song
The Monty Python theme song
The Monty Python theme song
From their latest movie
Sung by me.

Is that it? That's it, thank you.

MEDICAL LOVE SONG
Music by E. Idle and J. Du Prez, words by G. Chapman and E. Idle
Sung by Graham Chapman
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I've had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you'll get well soon...

My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sores,
Your moenelial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your dobie's itch, my scrumpox
Our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear

Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist
Your trichovaginitis
Sends shivers down my spine
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine

Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis.

My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he's ever seen
My scrotum's painted orange
And my balls are turning green

My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore
I'm dying from your love, my love,
I'm your spirochaetal clown
I've left my body to science,
But I'm afraid they've turned it down

Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis...

MILITARY FAIRY MARCH
Sung by the Derbyshire Light Infantry (2nd Batallion)
From MPFC and 'And Now for Something Completely Different'
Announcer: And next the men of the Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about. Sergeant: Squad... Camp it ... up! (chanting like a military march drill, they mince in unison)

Oooh get her! Whoops!
I've got your number ducky.
You couldn't afford me, dear. Two three.
I'd scratch your eyes out.

Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear,
We all know where you've been, you military fairy!

Whoops, don't look now girls,
The major's just minced in
With that dolly colour sergeant,
Two, three, ooh-ho!

MONEY SONG
Music by John Gould, words by Eric Idle and John Gould
Sung by Eric Idle
From `Monty Python's Flying Circus' and elsewhere

I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas
I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge
I've got lots of lovely lire
Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer
And my dollar bills could by the Brooklyn Bridge

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash
Some people say it's folly
But I'd rather have the lolly
With money you can ma-ake a splash

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money
(money money money)
There is nothing like a newly minted pound
(money money money)
Everyone must hanker
For the butchness of a banker
It's accountancy that makes the world go round
(round round)

You can keep your Marxist ways
For it's only just a phase
Oh, it's money-money-money makes the world go round!

(money money money money money money money money MONEY!)

MUDDY KNEES
Written and sung by Terry Jones
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

Muddy knees have got me all a-quiver.
Muddy knees have got me all aglow.
Muddy knees have sent me for a paper
To a newsagent's near here I know.
Muddy knees... have set me all a-quiver. Muddy knees... have got me all aglow. Muddy knees have sent me for a paper To a newsagent's... near here... that I know.
Muddy knees have got me all a-quiver.
Muddy knees! Have got me all aglow.
Those muddy knees! Have sent me for a paper! To a newsagent's near here that I know.

Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
Them muddy knees
(them muddy knees)
Have got me all a-quiver!
(them muddy knees)
Them muddy knees
(them muddy knees)
Have got me all aglow!
Them muddy knees
(them muddy knees)
Have sent me for a paper...

NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB
A Plea for Peace and Tolerance (in a World of Fucking Loonies)
Written and sung by Terry Jones
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation' album

Never be rude to an Arab
An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew
Never be rude to an Irishman
No matter what you do
Never poke fun at a Nigger
A Spic, or a Wop, or a Kraut
And never put down -
(::EXPLOSION::)

OH LORD PLEASE DON'T BURN US
Music by J. Du Prez, words by J. Cleese and G. Chapman
Sung by Michael Palin and Choir
From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'

O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.

OLIVER CROMWELL
Music traditional (Chopin), words by John Cleese
Sung by John Cleese (with Eric Idle)
From "I'm Sorry, I'll Read that Again" and "Monty Python Sings!"
JOHN: The most interesting think about King Charles the First is that he was 5"6' tall at the start of his reign, but only 4"8' tall at the end of it. Because of..
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (Puritan)
Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (September)
Was at first (only)
MP for Huntington (but then)
He led the Ironside Cavalry at Marston Moor
in 1644 and won
Then he founded the new model army
And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naisby
And the King fled up North, like a bat, to the Scots
ERIC: But under the terms of John Pimm's Solemn League and Covenant, the Scots handed King Charles the First over to..
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (and his warts)
Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (September)
But alas (Oy Vay!)
Disagreement then broke out (between)
The Presbyterian Parliament and the Military
who meant to have an independent bent and so..
The 2nd Civil War broke out
And the Roundhead ranks faced the Cavaliers
at Preston Banks
And the King lost again, silly thing! (Stupid git)
ERIC: And Cromwell sent Colonel Pride to purge the House of Commons of the Presbyterian Royalists, leaving behind only the rump Parliament... Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall To indict Charles the First for...
TY-HY-HYR-HYR-ANNY!! (Oooooohhhh!)Charles was sentenced to death Even though he refused to accept That the court had..
JURIS-DI-ICTION! (Say goodbye to his head!)Poor King Charles Laid his head On the block (January 1649)
DOOOOWWWNN came the ax (*chop* ooohh!) ERIC: And, in the silence that followed, the only sound that could be heard was a solitary giggle, from...
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (Ol�!)
Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (September)
Then he smashed (Ireland)
Set up the commonwealth (And more!)
He crushed the Scots at Worchester
And beat the Dutch at sea in 1653 and then..
He dissolved the rump Parliament (voice gets higher)
And with Lambert's consent
Wrote the instrument of government
Under which Oliver was Protector at last
THE END! (cheers to fade)

SUICIDE SQUAD SONG
Written by Eric Idle
Sung by the Judean People's Front Crack Suicide Squad
Deleted from "Monty Python's Life of Brian"

There's a man we call our leader
He's fine and strong and brave
And we follow him unquestioning
Towards an early grave
He gives us hope of sacrifice
And a chance to die in vain
And if we're one of the lucky ones
We'll live to die again

We'll die and die and die and die
And die and die and die
Though we need more explanations
Ours not to reason why
So we vouch behind our leader
And we shout our battle cry
Thence grunt? and sleep and eat good food
And there's half a chance to die

There's a man we call our leader
Who's brave and fine and mad
And we'll follow him forever
Though his brain is slightly bad

We'll die for him in sunshine
We'll die for him in rain
Though we know he's got a swelling
On the right part of his brain

Otto, you're a master
Otto will ring true
Despite your little problems
Otto, we love you

Though he may have little blackouts
And not get sleep at night
He has moments of depression
But they're only fairly slight
He shows all the classic symptoms
Of advanced mental decay
But we'll kill ourselves for Otto
No matter what the doctors say

Otto, you're a master
Otto will ring true
You may badly need some treatment
Otto, we love you

Otto, you're a master
Otto will ring true
Despite your little problems
Otto, we love you

THE NOT NOEL COWARD (PENIS) SONG
Written and sung by Eric Idle
From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean..
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick!
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork
Your wife's best friend
Your Percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock
And you won't a-come a-back!
Oh, thank you very much... (What a frightfully witty song.)

From an earlier draft:
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick
Never mind about the size of it
Just make it hard and quick.

"POETS ARE" JINGLE
From `Monty Python's Flying Circus' Episode 17

Poets are both clean and warm
And most are far above the norm
Whether here or on the roam
Have a poet in every home!

PROTEST SONG
Written and sung by Neil Innes
From `Monty Python: Live At City Center' etc.
Eric: Our next guest is a man who needs no introduction from me, so until next week ... Neil: Uh...(tunes guitar)...uh...(tunes guitar)...uh, this next song is a protest song...(tunes guitar)...uh...(tunes some more)...uh, ladies and gentlemen, I've suffered for my music. Now it's your turn... (Song starts) (Terrible harmonica playing)
All the prophets of doom
Can always find room
In a world full of worry and fear
Tip cigarettes
And chemistry sets
And Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
So I'm goin' back
To my little ol' shack
And drink me a bottle of wine
That was mis en bouteille
Before my birthday
And have me a fuckin' good time!

Rain on a tin roof sounds like a drum
We're marchin' for freedom today ... hey!
Turn on your headlights and sound your horn
If people get in the way
(Terrible harmonica playing)Let me turn you on
To the Chromium Swan
On the the nose of a long limousine
Even hire it for the day
It is somethin' to say
But what the hell does it mean?
I may be accused
Of bein' confused
But I'm average weight for my height
My phil-o-so-phy
Like color TV
Is all there in black and white

RAI -- Rain on a tin roof sounds like a drum
We're marchin' for freedom today ... hey!
Turn on your headlights and sound your horn (honk honk)
If people get in the way
(Long harmonica note to end of song.) Mike (as Policeman): All right sonny, that's enough. Concert's over for you, Mr. Tangerine Man. Off you go, on your bike. ... Welfare state, huh.

RHUBARB TART
Words and Music by John Cleese
Sung by John Cleese and Company
From `At Last, the 1948 Show'(Predates Python)

I want another slice of rhubarb tart.
I want another lovely slice.
I'm not disparaging the blueberry pie,
But rhubarb tart is oh-so very nice.

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart!
A what-barb tart? A rhubarb tart!
I want another slice of rhubarb tart!

The principles of modern philosophy
Were postulated by Descartes.
Discarding everything he wasn't certain of,
He said 'I think, therefore I am a rhubarb tart'.

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart!
A Ren� who? Ren� Descartes!
Poor mutt, he thought he was a rhubarb tart.

A rhubarb tart has fascinated all the poets,
Especially the immortal bard.
He caused Richard the Third to call on Bosworth Field:
'My kingdom for a slice of rhubarb tart!'

Immortal what? Immortal tart!
A rhubarb what? A rhubarb bard!
As rhymes go, that is really pretty bad.

Since Wassily Kandinsky and Paul Klee
Laid down the axioms of modern art
Even Jackson Pollock and Piet Mondrian
Prefer to paint a slice of rhubarb tart.

Wassi who? A Wassi-ly
Kandin who? A Kandin-sky
And how did he get in there for a start?

Read all the existentialist philosophers,
Like Schopenhauer and Jean-Paul Sartre.
Even Martin Heidegger agrees on one thing:
Eternal happiness is rhubarb tart.

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart!
Jean-Paul who? Jean-Paul Sartre!
That sounds just like a rhyme from Lionel Bartre.

I want another slice of rhubarb tart.
I want another lovely slice.
I'm not disparaging the blueberry pie,
But rhubarb tart is oh-so very nice.

RUDYARD KIPLING
Sung by Michael Palin, Terry Gilliam?, Eric Idle?
From the unreleased "Hastily Cobbled Together For a Fast Buck" album

Okay man, here we go, hold that, hold that for me baby, hold that now. Here we go. Here we go.

Rudyard, Rudyard Kipling
Why do ya look so sad?
I know it's rather a silly name
But it's really not that bad

Rudyard, Rudyard.

Would you rather have been Willoughby? [Look at this guy, huh?]
Or Eustace, Keith or Ken? [Honey?] [My papa. You like poetry?] [Yeah, yeah, I like ...]
Dennish, Andrew, Tristram
Dudley, Lloyd or Ben [Get my hands around some poetry. Tits aren't that hot.]

Rudyard, Rudyard
I wish I knew [You wish you knew, honey, you wish you knew]
Were you happy being you?
Or would you rather have been Lou? [Come on baby] [Oh!]

Rudyard, Rudyard Kipling
Why do wear that frown?
You could have been called Cyril
And your surname could be Brown.

Rudyard, Rudyard [Rudyard! Come on, let's go to the back of the truck honey, come on ...]
[Is this proper dress?]

I can't imagine the jungle book [Come on, back in the box, all right]
By Ronnie, or by Vic [This is very nice]
Or Kim, or Papkoo Bookins-Hill, by Cindy Lou, Raoul Duke, or Mick [honey, you ever seen one like this?]
Rudyard, it had to be [my other one's in the shop]
Rudyard, you are [Some what?]
Rudyard, I wish I knew [It's you honey, got your number here, come on]
Did it really make you cross?

[Not there]
[Who's this guy?]

Rudyard, Rudyard Kipling [Yes, he's rather lovely]
Why do wear that frown? [a bit left of center, his name's Ted]
You could have been called Cyril [He's a guy]
And your surname could be Brown.

[Oh no, please, oh no, please ...]

Rudyard [oh! ha! hoo!] Rudyaaaaaaaaard .... oooooh [ooooh! oooh!]

[Oooh!]
[Aw, come on honey, there could be sandwiches in there!]

School Song (Play up!)
Peformed by Michael Palin, Terry Jones?, choir
(I found trouble understanding the words here, any help would be appreciated)
From the unreleased "Hastily Cobbled Together For a Fast Buck" album

(Come on chin up.)

When the time for kickoff comes
We'll stand brother to brother
(Wolvern, get down off that boy! Mr. Wolvern please! Bains, stop sniggering or you'll be in chuffters all through lunch.)
And as soon as we hear ?
We'll take chits, and then take cover

Play up, play up for schools
(Stop that Tricksworth, it's bad for you and it's bad for the school.)
Chapel, ? and Trude?
Poke and prod, select your squad
And then we'll take the pools

(Who threw that? Who threw that, come on? Mortimer don't smirk. You are a disastrous boy, Shankley. Even by the standards of the human race you are an appalling boy. Don't try and pretend you're English, Schlatenheimer! Will the boy, on top of the other boy, on top of the three boys, on top of the matron, kindly desist!)

There is no finer sight I know than boys from wealthy homes
? ? ?
To break each others' bones

(stop throwing up in chapel Bedworth!
Play up, play up for schools
Forward thru the mud (Condom - get your teeth out of Tuppaware's neck!)
Remember if you've ? the boot
It helps to stem the blood

(Someone has stolen one of Mr. Staniard's testicles. Come on, this is not a joke Dempsey, it's a very serious matter, he can't see without them. ... What, why didn't you say so? Spectacles.)

And though the game be long and hard
The fight will be well-fought
The ? and arrangements
The ?'s been bought

(You're pissed off, are you Bedwell? I'm pissed off. Lamb's lot, Bedwell. Nothing new about being pissed off. Come and see me in the sauna afterwards.)

Play up, play up for schools
Some small boys may die
It is a scanty price to pay
To try the vital? try

(Makeup. ... Who wrote 'Vivat Boomtown Rats' on the wall of the war memorial? Right, Geldof, come and put your neck in this! Lak...Laker! MOP THAT UP! ... Hamwell, Spotter, Cornflake, Swivel, Burter, Oddballs, and anyone else with a silly name, come and see me afterward.)

So when all is said and done my friend
From [?] to Eaton (Spricker!! You're supposed to be a Christian!! [slap])
If you play the game nice and true
You're faster to get eaten

(You don't spell 'wank' with a 'c', Barworth.)
Play up, play up for schools (Play up, play up forr schools)
Chapel, ? and Trude?
(Chorus now now boys, sing boys!)
Poke and prod, select your squad
And then we'll take the pooooooooools

(I don't care what is is Darcy, take it out of Dankworth's trousers!)

SERGEANT DUCKIE'S SONG
Sung by Terry Jones and the Fred Tomlinson Singers
From `Monty Python's Flying Circus'
(Sgt. Muffin has been investigating when the door opens and a plainclothes detective plus ten PCs enter. They speak in winking stage voices.) Muffin: Ah! Hello, Duckie! Duckie: Hello, sir! How are you? Muffin: I'm fine thanks! How are you? Duckie: Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir! Muffin: Why's that, Duckie? Duckie: Because... (Rhythm combo starts up out of vision and Sgt. Duckie sings. This is all part of the Policevision Pan-European song contest, of course. Superimposed caption on screen: 'SGT DUCKIE'S SONG.' Duckie performs a showy, happy dance and jauntily twirls his whistle chain.) Duckie:
I'm a little bit sad and lonely
Now my baby's gone away...
I'm feeling kinda blue
Don't know just what to do
I feel a little sad today.
Chorus of PCs:
He's a little bit sad and lonely
Now his baby's gone away
He's feeling kinda blue
He don't know just what to do
He's not feeling so good today.
Duckie: (solo)
Wheeeen I smile
The sun comes flooding in (dadadadadada)
But wheeeen I'm sad
It goes behind the clouds again.
Chorus:
He's a little bit sad and lonely
Now his baby's gone away
He's feeling kinda -
(they stop abruptly and say)
etcetera, etcetera.

Muffin: A lovely song, Duckie. NOTE: Duckie performed well but did not win the contest. That honor went to Zapatique of the Monaco Murder Squad for his song "Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong."

SHOPPING SONG
Written and sung by Eric Idle
From `PythOnline'

Shopping. We're only happy when we're shopping.
We're only happy if we shop until we drop.
In search of bargains we will never stop.
When God created the universe, He pulled out all the stops.
First, He created all mankind. Then She created shops.
Shopping, we're really happy when we're shopping.
We're really happy if we shop until we drop!
In search of bargains we will never stop, stop, stop!
We'll shop and shop and shop, shop, shop!

SIT ON MY FACE
Music traditional (sorta), words by Eric Idle
Sung by the Pythons
From `Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album'

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places
And play till we're blown away!

SPAM SONG
Music by M. Palin, T. Jones, and F. Tomlinson, words by Palin and Jones
Sung by the Greasy Spoon Viking Chorus
From `Monty Python's Flying Circus' and elsewhere

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spaaam!

(spam spam spam)

Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spaaam!

Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am
Lovely Spaaam! (lovely spam)
Lovely Spaaam! (lovely spam)
Lovely Spam...

Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaam, SPAAAAAM !!

STOOP SOLO
Written by Neil Innes
Sung by Neil Innes and Carol Cleveland
From "Rutland Weekend Television,"
Deleted from "Live at the Hollywood Bowl"

Hi there
My name is Solo
Stoop Solo
I do amazing things
But right now I'd like to sing for you

Stormy days (stormy days)
Cloudy skies (cloudy skies)
Wind and Rain (wind and rain)
Got a watery eye (watery eye)
Yellow leaves (yellow leaves)
Fall from the trees (from the trees)
I kick my way (kick my way)
Through memories (shut your face)

Rain and snow let the four winds blow
On my collar there's a long blonde hair
Now I know that's all I've got to show
For the love we used to share

I remember back in June
Our love was like a fire
And the song in our hearts sounded like a choir
But I held onto you like a hand holds water
And now it's November and the days get shorter

Rain and snow let the four winds blow
On my collar there's a long blonde hair
Now I know that's all I've got to show
For the love we used to share

Rain and snow let the four winds blow
On my collar there's a long blonde hair
Now I know that's all I've got to show
For the love...
we used...
to share

Thank you.

TODAY
Written by Bill McGuffie
Sung by Terry Jones and Carol Cleveland
From MPFC: 'Archaeology Today'

Today I hear the robin sing
Today the thrush is on my wing
Today who knows what life will bring
Today!

TRAFFIC LIGHTS
Written and sung by Terry Jones
From `Contractual Obligation Album'

I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
No matter where they've been
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
But only when they're green
Chorus:
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
No matter where they've been
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
But only when they're green

I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
That is what I said
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
But not when they are red
Chorus:
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
That is what he said
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
He likes traffic lights
But not when they are red

I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
Although my name's not Bamber
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I... Oh God ...

WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN?
Written and sung by Neil Innes
From 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' etc.

World War II. The war has reached the sentimental stage. The Germans started spooning at dawn and the British army responded by gazing into their eyes, so the Germans have gone all coy.

The outlook for today is mainly tragic, Cloudy, dull, occasional rain and scattered magic, But unlike those who say They prefer the good old days, I hardly ever feel nostalgic. And although the intellectually agile, Can logically prove the heart is fragile,
Drifting unawares
Through all of its affairs,
Love is still the simple badge I'll proudly wear...

When does a dream begin?
Does it start with a goodnight kiss?
Is it conceived,
Or simply achieved?
When does a dream begin?

When does a dream begin?
Is it born in a moment of bliss?
Or is it begun
When two hearts are one?
When does a dream exist?

The vision of you appears somehow
Impossible to resist
But I'm not imagining seeing you
For who could have dreamed of this?

When does a dream begin?
When reality is dismissed?
Or does it commence,
When we lose all pretence?
When does a dream begin?

YA DI BUCKETY
Music by Terry Jones, words by Jones and John Cleese
Sung by the Fairy Tale Chorus
From 'Fliegender Zirkus,' 'Previous Record' etc.

Yum yum di buckety
Rum ting phutaow!
Ya ni ni yaoooow!

Ya di buckety
Rum ting phutaow!
Yi ni ni yaoooow!

YANGTSE SONG
Music by M. Palin, T. Jones, and N. Innes, words by Palin and Jones
Sung by the Pythons
From `Monty Python's Previous Record'

We love the Yangtse, Yangtse Kiang
Flowing from Yushu down Ching Kiang
Passing through Chung King, Wuhan and Hoo Kow
Three thousand miles, but it gets there somehow
Hey! Oh Szechuan's the province and Shanghai is the port
And the Yangtse is the river that we all support

We love the Yangtse, Yangtse Kiang
Flowing from Yushu down Ching Kiang
Passing through Chung King, Wuhan and Hoo Kow
Three thousand miles, but it gets there somehow
Hey! Oh Szechuan's the province and Shanghai is the port
And the Yangtse is the river that we all support

Special thanks to:

godmom@nina.pagesz.net for help with the Chinese in "I Like Chinese"

lb-llama@usa.net for additional words to "The Ferret Song"

stoudenmire@worldnet.att.net for additional notes on the "Protest Song"

If you have enjoyed this sheet, why not go and buy the "Monty Python Songbook?"

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Any comments, corrections, or requests? Write me at
tygerbug at yahoo.com.