Here were the results of the first ever PythoNET contest. The name of the contest was Python Haiku, and the contestants came up with... Oh, you'll see. Enjoy.

Haiku

The first place winner was to recieve the coveted Virtual Shrubbery! (See main Contest page for explanation)

Our judges were Mark Gumby (MAWGumby1@aol.com), Skyewings (Skyewings@aol.com), SquireEdwd (SquireEdwd@aol.com), TAH (heparr@usa.net), and myself (ocpmovie at lycos.com). We tried to be as fair and impartial as possible in our judging, but later on said "screw it" and gave all the prizes to anyone who bribed us. But the entries truly were phenomenal, showing how poetic Python fans really can be, and also how silly. The latter was already known, but the former is new territory, and we applaud all our entrants. But then we tend to, don't we? And now, the entries:

For some reason, thoughts of the Lumberjack song caused our contestants to go all existential.


From: Anne Toews (aftoews@uniserve.com)

If a lumberjack
sings, alone, in the forest,
does he make a sound?



From: Katie Swan (ktswan@inwave.com)

THE QUAINT LITTLE LUMBERJACK
A lumberjack sits
Stockings and petticoats on
And lovely white hands.



Of course, you don't have to listen to Lumberjacks to be existential. Pandora pondered while watching the Holy Grail.


From: Stephanie Grailer (Pandora286@aol.com)

The meaning of life
Has very much to do with
Frenchmen dropping cows



Most sent in but one poem, but the prolific Lauren Snyder sent in a trio of gems for our consideration, and though normally having too many entries spoils the lot we liked 'em all.


From: Lauren Snyder (junglequeen@psu.edu)

CHEESE SHOP
Many kinds of cheese
But the customer will leave
With a smoking gun

CRUNCHY FROG
Darling I love it
When you send me candy, but
No more "spring surprise"!

GUMBYS
Kerchief-wearing men
Performing lobotomies
Without a license



Can you really write a Haiku about live organ transplants? Foxy did.


From: Foxy Mo (FoxyMo@prodigy.net)

Freshly spattered meat
The willing liver donors
are tortured to Death.



On a similar note:


From: Dawn Comer (dawn.comer.8@nd.ed)

UNDERTAKER
mother has just died
burn her, bury her, dump her
delicious with fries



Why the Undertaker sketch? Who can say? But shortly after Dawn's take we received another, and both were favorites of our judges. Maybe there's a connection.


From: Fred Coppersmith (fxc121@psu.edu)

Yeah, we deal with stiffs.
Burn, bury, dump...why not eat?
Get the oven on.



Travis Rhodes gave the minstrel treatment to Python's own homicidal lagomorph when he composed this bit of verse:


From: Travis Rhodes (RHODES.FAMLY@AT&T)

cute little bunny.
death comes with sharp pointy teeth.
go change your armor.



This one came from Sweden, from a man claiming to be president of the Whizzo Chocolate Company. So far, attempts to disprove his claim have failed.


From: Peter Möller (jra.jamtland@ragunda.mail.telia.com)

Praline said to clerk:
"My fish's name is Eric.
Where do I pay tax?"



This one was a late entry. The cover letter read as follows: "No one can top this... Please send me my shrubbery. Thank you very much."


From: Andrew Caito (andfc@msn.com)

Wewease Fwedarwik!
What? We have no Fwedarwik?
Then Wewease Bwian!



What better topic for a Haiku could there be than Spam?


From: Marie Andersen (Skyewings@aol.com)

Luscious, pink, dense, moist
Haute Cuisine, Crunchy Frogs beware
Spam - food of the Gods



Spam Haiku, of course, is almost the official pastime in some parts of the country. At least that was what we gathered after reading the following, taken from various sources on the 'Net by one Cam Vertesi:


From: Cam Vertesi AKA The Cammel (farticus@hotmail.com)

I have several Spam haikus that you may be interested in:

Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel
What the hell is it?

Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous pink mass.
Pass another slice.

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork, please.


Old man seeks doctor
"I eat SPAM daily", says he.
Angioplasty.

Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food":
A small pink coffin

Some folks don't like it.
Some insist on derision.
Back off, SPAM haters!!!

Preserved meat product.
See it shimmer in the light.
How bad could it be?

Camping is a time
To show others the allure
Of the cold, pink blob.

Cholesterol-wise,
It's likely a bad idea
To have SPAM and eggs

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam:
Spam-spam-spam; spam, spam spam spam?
Spam spam, "spam!," spam spam.