The Monty Python Sounds Page

Most of the sounds listed here are stored as files.

There are a number of Midi files at the bottom of the page

Some of these files contain language which may offend.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A

• Abuse: "Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type make me puke. You vaccuous, toffee nosed, malodourous pervert!"69k
• Andnow: "And now for something completely different." 20k
• Apology: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "Sorry" this, and "Forgive me," that and "I'm not worthy".64k
• Aquaduct: "The aqauduct. 7k
• Argument: "Is this the right room for an argument?" 25k

• Bigus: "Bigus Dickus" 9k
• Biscuit: "All right, all right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. 39k
• Boil: "Go and boil you bottoms, sons of a silly person!" 47k
• Bucket: "Better get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up." 26k

C

• Cheese: "Blessed are the cheesemakers." 17k
• Clitoris: "So we have all these possibilities, before we stampede, towards the clitoris." 69k
• Coconut: "You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together." 41k
• Coffee: "Tiger brand coffee, is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it, to real meat." 41k
• Cpolice: THE-CHURCH-POLICE! 31k
• Crux: "Cruxifiction lasts hours. It's a slow, 'orrible death." "Well, at least it gets you out in the open air." 74k
• Cutdown: "Cut down a tree with a herring?" 19k
• Cutoff: "Can you have your balls cut off?" 16k

D

• Dead: "Bring out your dead!"33k
• Deadbshp: "There's a dead bishop on the landing." 21k
• Deadprrt: "Now that's what I call a dead parrot." 18k
  

• Ecentric: "What an eccentric performance." 14k
• Ecky: "Ecky, ecky, fertang" etc 49k

F

• Fart: "I fart in your general dirrection." 32k
• Favrtism: "Bloody favouritism!" 17k
• Fjords: "Pining for the fjords?" 20k
• Fondle: "Please fondle my buttocks." 43k
• Foreplay: "We'll take the foreplay as read." 23k

G

• Gawp: "Don't stand there gawping, like you never seen the 'and of God before!" 47k
• Giggle: "Anybody else feel like a little......giggle?" 43k
• Gloom: "Well that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?" 28k
• Grenade: "Oh, Lord. Bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits. In thy mercy." 83k

H

• Hamster: "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."57k
• Hearthis: "Wait 'til Bigus Dickus hears of this!" 16k
• Hell: "Oh, bloody hell." 10k
• Herring: "You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest wiiiiiiith.......a herring!" 77k
• How: "How shall we 'Fuck off' oh, Lord?" 20k
  

I

• Itssilly: "Stop that. It's silly."20k

L

• Lineleft: "Cruxifiction?" "Yes." "Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each."57k
• Livelife: "Fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to." 39k
• Looney: "You're a looney." 10k
• Lucky: "You lucky, lucky, bastard." 30k

M

• Mad: "We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution and we escaped by making this skin out of old, used cereal packets."73k
• Message: (Noise of arrow) "Message for you, sir." 32k
• Messiah: "I'm not the messiah!" 19k
• Middle: "Hello, good evening and welcome to the middle of the film." 48k
• Monks: Monks chant in latin with thud of staffs hitting floor. 124k
• Mp-inter: "Wahoo. Intercourse the penguine." 23k
• Mp-spam2: "I don't like spam!" 23k
• Mp-spam3: "You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam!" "I don't like spam!" 62k

N

• Naughty: "E's not the messiah. E's a very naughty boy."40k
• Nudgnudg: "I bet she does, I bet she does. Say no more, say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge." 48k

P

• Peasant1: "Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a sysytem of government." 62k
• Peasant2: "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. Be quiet!" 85k
• Pissoff: "Piss off!" 8k
• Pointy: "Death awaits you all, with nasty, big, pointy teeth!" 54k

R

• Reaper: "Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and you say 'Let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well you're dead now, so shut up!" "Dead?" "DEAD!"216k
• Resting: "Er, that's not dead, it's, er, resting." 19k
• Runaway: "Run away! Run away!" 32k

S

• Science: "I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments." 39k
• Silywalk: "Er, well sir. I have got a silly walk." 31k
• Spank: "Yes, you must give us all a good spanking."23k
• Stuffed: "I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed."42k
• Stupid: "You stupid bastard!"22k
• Swallow: "What do you mean, an African or European swallow?" 30k

T

• Taunt: "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."40k

V

• Velocity:"What, is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"39k
• Virgin1: "Oh, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?" "'If it's not a personal question' 'Ow much more personal can you get. Now piss off!" "She is." "Yeah, must be." 139k

W

• Wafer: "It's only, waffer thin."20k
• Wafers: "Do you get wafers with it?" "Course you don't have fucking wafers with it you cunt. It's a fucking albatross init?" 64k
• Wastlife: "It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?" 24k
• Wasttime: "This is a complete waste of time." 22k
• Witch: "We have found a witch, may we burn her?" 23k
• Woger: "I shall, welease Woger!" 36k
• Women: "Are there any women here today?" 17k
• Wun: "Well, Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money." "A what?" 40k
•  

Midi files

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 (C) 2000 Damian Steele