[Roll OPENING TITLES. Upbeat, "Laverne & Shirley"-style montage & music, featuring two aliens, in ceremonial robes and straw hats. The green alien is Gerald, and the taller white-and-purple alien is Ford. Their heads are ill-fitting masks, and Gerald in particular has the habit of forcing his mouth to move manually, using his flesh-colored, obviously human hands to do so. Both have moustaches, wrinkled faces and large cheerful eyes. Their speech rhythms are stilted and awkward. What could the show be but:]

"TWO GUYS FROM ANOTHER PLANET"

starring Gerald & Ford

Today's Adventure: "World Domination Pizza"

CAPTION: "SORTIE 1eme"

FADE IN


[A studio stage with a red curtain, improperly lit and obviously empty -- between shows, that is to say. The sound of thunderous applause clicks on, and Ford pushes his way through the break in the middle of the closed curtain.]

FORD: Thank you, thank you! Really! You're wonderful!

[Gerald has stepped into view from the side, and is holding a tape recorder on which the sounds of applause are playing. He shuts it off.

FORD: We have an excellent show for you this evening. There will be comedy, and variety acts ...

GERALD: I myself intend to tap-dance in the later half of the program.

FORD: And I will sing!

GERALD: I wouldn't do that, Ford. Remember what happened last time.

FORD: But I do not remember what happened last time, Gerald.

GERALD: Neither do I! I lied about the whole thing, and that is my joke!

FORD: Ha ha ha! You are an irritating loser, Gerald!

GERALD: Ha ha ha! Yes I am! And so are you! We are both irritating losers!

FORD: Yes, but surely you are more irritating than I am, Gerald.

GERALD: I disagree entirely, Ford.

FORD: And so do I, because you make such a convincing argument!

GERALD: That was no argument, that was my wife!

FORD: Ha ha ha! You make a convincing wife, too!

GERALD: That's enough, Ford.

FORD: Sorry, yes. That is enough, I agree. You have made the convincing argument again.

GERALD: Yes, yes I have.

FORD: It is a good thing you are not Perry Mason, because then Perry Mason would be green.

GERALD: On my cheap American television, Perry Mason is green to begin with!

FORD: Ha ha ha! That concludes our comedy session.

GERALD: Yes, yes. Smart to end it there, before it becomes tiring.

FORD: Tiring like a green Perry Mason!

GERALD: That was no Perry Mason, that was my wife!

FORD: Tiring like your wife, whom I slept with just last night!

GERALD: Ha ha ha! Don't overplay the joke, Ford.

FORD: Sorry. We are not actually married.

[On the side of the stage, we can see a small black portable desk on which a sign is attached reading "EMPIRE TELEVISION: AUDITIONS TODAY." A secretary in red fashion glasses is sitting at the desk, and a nervous Station VP is in a metal chair, watching Gerald and Ford perform.]

STATION VP: Who are these schmoes?

SECRETARY: Foreigners, I think. They give their names as, uh, [reading] "Gerald and Ford." The act's called "Two guys from another planet."

STATION VP: It looks it. Jesus, do they stink.

SECRETARY: Well, nobody's perfect.

STATION VP: People have to be perfect. This is television!

[Gerald and Ford hear none of this, of course, still deep into their act.]

GERALD: What do we do next, Ford?

FORD: I am momentarily out of ideas, but let me think. [thinks]

GERALD: Perhaps you are tired from screwing my nonexistent wife last night.

FORD: Perhaps you are nonexistently jealous.

GERALD: Perhaps we could sing a song.

FORD: Perhaps we could sing a song about American foreign policy, with the help of our very special guest, Ms. Lucille Ball!

GERALD: Yes Ford, perhaps we could, if Lucy were actually here.

FORD: But she's not, is she?

GERALD: No.

FORD: See, this is where the act breaks down.

GERALD: Indeed.

FORD: Do your funny thing, Gerald.

GERALD: What funny thing?

FORD: You know what funny thing I mean!

GERALD: No, no I don't.

FORD: It is the funny thing you do.

GERALD: Oh, that funny thing.

FORD: Yes.

GERALD: I am not prepared to do that funny thing right now.

FORD: You are a funnyman, Gerald! Be funny!

GERALD: I can't!

FORD: You are defeating the purpose of having a comedy act!

GERALD: I know. It is my way of defying the world's internal logic mechanisms.

FORD: You sound so smart when you are ruining our show.

GERALD: I know.

FORD: Now do your funny dance before I kill you.

GERALD: Okay.

[He dances.]

STUDIO VP: Stop it, stop it, I've heard enough.

FORD: He has seen enough, Gerald.

FORD: Yes. That is a good sign.

STUDIO VP: Call in the next applicant.

SECRETARY: There is no next applicant, Jake. They're all we've got.

FORD: So, do you like the act?

STUDIO VP: In a word, no.

SECRETARY: You can't say "no," Jake, it's too harsh. You've gotta say "maybe."

STUDIO VP: All right, "maybe."

GERALD: Maybe!

FORD: Yes!

GERALD: Another hypothetical victory, Ford!

FORD: Yes Gerald. It fits in well with your hypothetical talent!

GERALD: Indeed it does.

STUDIO VP: Shut up and get outta my sight.

[Ford and Gerald exchange very quick nervous glances.]

FORD: Okay, okay. You cannot see us.

[They trot off and hide behind the curtain.]

FORD: Just kidding, yes you can!

[They reappear, with a flourish.]

GERALD: I'm Gerald!

FORD: And he's Ford!

GERALD: No, you're Ford, and I'm Gerald!

STUDIO VP: Yeah, right. Go back home now. We'll call you.

FORD: But Mr. Studio Vice President, we cannot go home. We have no home!

GERALD: Ford is right. We are two wacky hedonists who travel round the world in a polka-dot convertible, with no companion but the open road.

FORD: Although we do own a cellular phone, an 8-track cassette player, and a cardboard cutout of Ellen Barkin.

STUDIO VP: Uh huh. Well, if I wasn't convinced before, I am now. Shelley, take these jokers out and send in the next applicant.

SECRETARY: But sir, I already told you ...

STUDIO VP: [clenched teeth] I said, send in the next applicant, Shelley.

SECRETARY: Okay, fine. You're a real dickhead, Jake.

[she ushers Gerald & Ford out to the exit doors]

SECRETARY: Okay, that's all for now.

FORD: Thank you!

SECRETARY: You'll be hearing from us within the next few months. Next applicant!

[She runs off at top speed and disappears behind the curtain. They watch her.]

SECRETARY [coming out of curtain, with hand over face and fake squeaky voice]: Hello, I am the next applicant, I am. I sing and tell jokes and dance. La la la ...

[She dances. Ford and Gerald turn to leave.]

FORD: She's good.

GERALD: They should accept her.


FADE FOR BREAK

FADE BACK IN

CAPTION: "SORTIE 2eme"

[Exterior shot, just outside the studio. A sunny and pleasant day. Gerald and Ford are walking.]

GERALD: Do you think they enjoyed our act, Ford?
FORD: But of course, Gerald.
GERALD: You really think so?
FORD: Yes. I have a total and unshakeable belief that our act went over like gangbusters back there.
GERALD: Wonderful!
FORD: Pity that I am wrong.
GERALD: Yes, pity that.

[They reach their car in the parking lot. It is a yellow-and-purple polka-dot convertible with a life-size cutout of Ellen Barkin in the backseat. A very proper old English butler in a tuxedo is waiting there, with a coat hanging from his right arm, holding a cup of cider in his left. This is ALFRED.]

ALFRED: Will you be needing your coat, Master Gerald?
GERALD: No, Alfred.
ALFRED: And you, Master Ford -- perhaps a glass of warm cider?
FORD: No, Alfred.
ALFRED: It is semi-alcoholic ...
FORD: Just no, Alfred.
ALFRED: Will you be taking the car out tonight, sirs?
GERALD: Yes, Alfred.
ALFRED: Oh, damn. I had a hot date tonight.
FORD: It isn't your car, Alfred. Just accept it and move on. Grow through love.

[Gerald jumps into the passenger seat, Ford in the driver's seat.]

ALFRED: May I take your motorcycle, Master Ford?
FORD: I don't own a motorcycle, Alfred.
ALFRED: What? I distinctly remember ... or did I dream it again?

[Ford starts the car and they speed off.]

GERALD: [as they leave] Be safe, Alfred!

[Alfred is left alone.]

ALFRED: Those alien sons-of-bitches.

[He drinks the cider. Cut to shot of Ford and Gerald, driving.]

FORD: We should really get rid of Alfred sometime.
GERALD: I have tried, many many times. He keeps coming back.
FORD: Oh.
GERALD: At any rate, it is good to have a butler around.
FORD: Why is it good to have a butler around?
GERALD: To take care of the house.
FORD: We do not own a house.
GERALD: He is a good influence on the children.
FORD: We do not own a children either!
GERALD: Oh, don't be so literal, Ford.

[Gerald fiddles with the car's radio, which is wired into an 8-track tape deck.]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Sightings of unidentified flying objects have nearly tripled since the Senate's veto on a bill to restrict immigrant activity. This is expected to ...

[A phone rings. Gerald shuts off the radio, picks up a cellular phone next to him, and answers it.]

GERALD: Hello? ... Yes, I am interested in changing my long-distance plan. Can I change it into anything I want? ... No, I don't care about the rate. I want to change it into a bat, or pocket monster.

[Suddenly, Ford SLAMS on the brakes, bringing the car to a screeching halt in the middle of the road. Gerald shuts off the phone.]

GERALD: Why did you stop the car?
FORD: I am hungry.
GERALD: I do not see the connection.
FORD: I am hungry, Gerald, so I stopped the car.
GERALD: Oh, now I get it.
FORD: Good.
GERALD: You are hungry because you stopped the car.
FORD: That makes no sense.
GERALD: Yet you are hungry, and there is no food here.
FORD: I will drive again, and stop when we reach Domination Pizza.
GERALD: That is smart, because I am hungry.
FORD: No Gerald, it is I who am hungry. You am simply annoying.
GERALD: Oh, right.

[The car speeds off again, and stops just one block away. We see it pull into the parking lot of "World Domination Pizza." Gerald and Ford climb out of the car.]

GERALD: [to cutout] Stay here, Ellen.
FORD: I had forgotten this place was so small.
GERALD: Why do we keep coming here, Ford?
FORD: Because we like pizza.
GERALD: But they tried to murder both of us the last time we came here.
FORD: People change, Gerald. Do not be overcritical.
GERALD: I am beginning to think we keep coming here because we are idiots.
FORD: That explanation is possible as well, but will have to be backed up with objective proof. Besides, they may not try to kill us this time.
GERALD: Yes, I understand. We are idiots.
FORD: But is the leopard not able to change his stripes?
GERALD: I know nothing of feline undergarments, Ford.
FORD: I was speaking philosophically.

[He walks toward the shop.]

GERALD: I am frightened.
FORD: I am hungry.
GERALD: We are doomed.

[Cut to the inside of the pizza shop, which looks like a mad scientist's laboratory, dark and dismal, filled with scientific and torture apparatus. A henchman, FILTH, approaches the man in charge, UNCLE MORTY, who has only one eye, the other partly covered with an eyepatch, and is dressed like an old-fashioned doctor. He is working on a pizza.]

FILTH: Your highness, they're here!
UNCLE MORTY: Who's here, Filth?
FILTH: The aliens, your highness! Gerald and Ford!

[UNCLE MORTY crushes the pizza in his hands.]

UNCLE MORTY: Gerald and Ford? [He knocks most of the apparatus on the table off with a swish of his hand] GERALD AND FORD?? [He knocks FILTH over with a push, then grabs his collar and drags him back upright as he speaks.] The monstrous creatures who twice befouled my plans to conquer Europe? The unholy demons that caused the acid spill that took away my good eye? The plague-beridden foreigners who even now taunt me in my dreams every night, GERALD AND FORD, my sworn enemies, the two beings on earth I would most like to see destroyed??
FILTH: Uh, yeah, I guess it's the same ones.
UNCLE MORTY: Where are they, Filth?
FILTH: Right outside, your majesty.
UNCLE MORTY: Well, well, well, well, well. Show them in!

[We see out of a small eyeslit in the door as it is opened, revealing the faces of Gerald and Ford.]

FILTH: Do you submit to the power and rule of World Domination Pizza, incorporated?
GERALD/FORD: Yes.
FILTH: What do you want on your pizza?
FORD: Fish.
FILTH: Come in.

[The door opens. Gerald and Ford enter.]

GERALD: Hey, you've cleaned up the place since we were here last.
FILTH: Silence, peasant.

[In the distance we see Uncle Morty watching them, ominously. They walk toward the tables.]

FORD: How is the world domination thing going, Mr. Filth?
FILTH: The final phase of our plan comes soon. This is phase IV, where freedom will be sacrificed and all mankind will bow to our unearthly power. And if you buy a 12-inch pizza and a large soft drink, you'll get our complimentary crazy bread.
GERALD: Ooo, crazy bread.
FILTH: I said silence, peasant.

[Again in the distance we see Uncle Morty watching them, ominously.]

FILTH: Sit down.

[Gerald and Ford look at the table, which has a red-and-white-checked tablecloth and a skeletal design.]

FILTH: I SAID SIT DOWN!

[They sit quickly.]

FILTH: By sitting here you agree to become the slaves of World Domination Pizza when we conquer the White House. Would you like anything to drink while you're waiting?
GERALD: Do you have anything to drink that is blue?
FILTH: Yes.
GERALD: I'll have that.
FORD: Me too.
FILTH: You think alike, like much of the sheep that comprise the world's population. It will be child's play to conquer you.

[He leaves for a split-second and returns to place two glasses of blue liquid on the table.]

FILTH: I'll be back in a moment with your pizza.

[He leaves. Another shot of Uncle Morty watching them, ominously.]

FORD: Gerald, do you have the feeling that we are being watched right now?
GERALD: No, do you have that feeling?
FORD: Yes, yes I do.
GERALD: I would like to have that feeling.
FORD: Well, it is mine.
GERALD: Yes, but perhaps I have something you would like to trade for it?
FORD: Like what?
GERALD: How about feelings of insecurity and self-doubt?
FORD: No, I already have enough of those.
GERALD: All right, for your feeling of being watched right now, I'll trade you a feeling of irrational paranoia.
FORD: That is the same thing!
GERALD: Is it?
FORD: Yes.
GERALD: Then I guess I do have the feeling we are being watched right now.
FORD: So I had thought.

[FILTH enters with a pizza.]

FILTH: You will not survive our revolution. Enjoy your pizza.
GERALD: That was remarkably fast service.
FILTH: For you, we had a very special recipe already prepared. A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!

[he leaves.]

GERALD: What do you think he mea --
FILTH: HAAAAAAA!

[pause]

GERALD: What do you think he meant by that, Ford?
FORD: By saying this was a very special recipe and then cackling like an evil madman?
GERALD: Yes.
FORD: I suppose we will have to eat the pizza to find out.

[Ford starts eating. Gerald shrugs and eats along with him.]

GERALD: Hey, this is actually really good pizza.
FORD: Well, he said it was a special recipe.

[They continue eating.]

GERALD: Nice crazy bread too.

[MONTAGE: Uncle Morty watching ominously as they eat, frightening visions of evil, ghost-like faces in the distance cackling madly, more and more slices of pizza consumed until ... the pizza is finished.]

FORD: Oh my saints and Charlie's Angels. I am stuffed.
GERALD: Yes, we should leave.
FORD: Don't forget to leave a tip.
GERALD: Me? I thought you were paying.
FORD: I always have to pay.
GERALD: This was your idea.
FORD: You ate more than I did.
GERALD: Okay, then neither of us will pay.
FORD: Fine.
GERALD: Fine.

[They stand up to leave, then snap and both turn around and toss lots of money on the table.]

GERALD: Okay, now let's go.
UNCLE MORTY: NOT SO FAST!

[A dramatic chord plays on the soundtrack. Gerald and Ford turn around to see Uncle Morty.]

UNCLE MORTY: You ...
GERALD/FORD: Us!

back