Well, the race for the presidency is heating up, or winding down, or giving up entirely and going out for fudge, or whatever it is that it does around this time. Yep, itís been another four years, and time again for the American public to carefully weigh the strengths and weaknesses of the candidates, make an intelligent, sophisticated decision, and then say "screw it" and stay home and watch cartoons. Of course, we canít blame ourselves for doing this - it gets harder and harder each election year to make a good decision, simply because there arenít any. So the American public needs to stand up and take action. I, for one, canít even vote yet and have absolutely no interest in the campaign at all, but I intend to write a great many sentences about it here anyway. This is all in the interest of defending the American Way, which doesnít actually mean anything but looks cool when you Capitalize All The Letters In It For No Good Reason. But back to the campaign. If I was actually eligible to vote, and able to pry myself from "Rocky and Bullwinkle" reruns long enough to actually do it, I would probably vote for John F. Kennedy. Sure, you might say, heís not even on the ballot. Sure, you might say, heís technically ineligible for the office. Sure, you might say, this is because heís been dead for thirty years. And then I might say right back that I donít particularly like your tone of voice, and then you might call me a nasty name, and then I might make a rather vulgar but funny remark about your posterior, and then you might try to ram your fist through my teeth, but.. Oh. Sorry. See, our country (the United States) is going through a bad patch at the moment. This is partially due to the fact that Regis Philbin is allowed to walk calmly down the street without being violently assaulted, and also partially due to the fact that our President is nicknamed "Bubba," and also partially due to the fact that people actually watch daytime talk shows. What we really need is a strong president with traits like those exhibited by Bill Pullman in the movie "Independence Day" who is willing to stand up for Vague Concepts That Are Always Spelled Out Entirely In Capital Letters. To drive this point further, letís take a brief look at our last few presidents.
RICHARD NIXON: Resembled a used car salesman. Mentioned during one of his speeches that he was not a crook, which was of course a giveaway, since no one who actually isnít a crook feels a need to come right out and say it. Enjoyed being called "Tricky Dick," which tells us something about his mental state.
GERALD FORD: Football player. Despite a lack of physical coordination that caused him to trip and fall down long flights of stairs on national television, which also damaged his brain in strange and unusual ways, making him lose any mental abilities he may at one point have had, and being the possible model for cartoon character Homer Simpson, he nevertheless..
..Iím sorry, I canít think of anything.
JIMMY CARTER: Peanut farmer. ëNuff said.
RONALD REAGAN: Former movie star. Played biggest role ever in convincing voters his head was still intact. Served eight years, an estimated seven years, 364 days of which were spent in "Nappy-Land." Never was actually sure what being the President entailed. When questioned, he told reporters it was all about "speardolloting the wankle," whatever that means.
GEORGE BUSH: Former washer/dryer with six speeds and automatic rinse cycle. Made fun of constantly in "Bloom County" and "Doonesbury." Other heads of state beat him up daily, stealing his lunch money and occasionally giving him what in the halls of Congress is known as a "wedgie" for effect. Suffered from feelings of inadequacy, quite well-placed since he actually was inadequate. Put America into war every six weeks to compensate. Served with Dan "Iím a junior spaceman" Quayle, who had many useful vice-presidential skills in being able to count up to four. Currently flipping burgers at Wendyís, which accounts for the rotten fish-flavor of their food, and requires him wearing a bright orange polyester shirt embroidered with the name "Earl."
Not a great track record for our Proud Nation, and itís only gotten worse with Bill William Jefferson "Bubba" Clinton, fond of Big Macs, beaver hats, seedy motels, and the word "yíall," who has been the first President to date to leave the White House in favor of an RV. Itís all the secret service can do to keep appliance parts from showing up in the Rose Garden. What Bill has in Presidential stature he loses in being a complete redneck. So whoís running the country? Well, itís not Hillary Rodham Chesterfield McWhittingbone "Bubba" Clinton III, who has currently been placed in a good Home to prevent her from harming herself and others. And itís not Al "Al" Gore, who had many great ideas when campaigning, but was two weeks after placed in cryogenic freeze, to be thawed out only for certain occasions, the vice-presidential debate, sadly, not being one of them. The one whoís truly running the country is, as you may have guessed, Socks the Cat. This is why "Bill"ís first actions upon entering office were to veto the proposed House salary raise, limit arms in the Middle East, train troops for deployment into Bosnia, and purchase a truckload of catnip and rubber mice. Socks is currently up for reelection.
Thereís an important decision to be made, but Iíll leave it up to you. The other candidates are Bobert Dole, but heís shifty-eyed, in league with Newt, and at last count 367 years old. Also, I suspect heís Satan in disguise. So heís out. And then thereís H. Ross Perot, who has the political advantage of grass-roots support and having more money than God. Recently, he spoke out against the outrage of being shut out of the Presidential debates simply because heís a flaming looney. On this, Ross had this to say: "Now some peopleíve saidítíme, ëRoss,í they says, ëwhy the fenk are ya runniní fer President?í Now thíDemípublicans down in Warshington, tey probíbly think itís ëcause I was hit in the head with a brick or somethiní. Well, I was. But that ainít why Iím runniní fer President. Now a couple aí years ago, I was sittín out on my (garbled) giant beaver inítha sky telliní me, ëRoss,í he says, ëdoncha run fer President, ya flaminí looney.í So I ran, and yíknow what? Iím hereín theyíre jealous! Them Demípublican (garbled) chickens start stealing yer hats! Yíknow what Iím sayiní? Heck, I donít know what Iím sayin! Know what Iím sayiní?"
John F. Kennedy reportedly had no comment.
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