Things I Say

A forum for creative people.

Re: Things I Say

Postby Garrett Gilchrist » Thu Sep 28, 2017 2:18 pm

RIP Hugh Hefner. Many are criticizing him now, but he achieved a level of success that insulated him from all criticism in his time. The white man's dream - be so successful that no one can say shit about you. He wasn't a gross horny lech. He was THE gross horny lech, and iconic at it. If you want to call him out for his behavior it's a little late at this point.

He was 91 years old and still living a teenage boy's fantasy. That's been weird and depressing (rather than simply disgusting) for at least twenty years now, and his passing comes as a relief, probably to Hef as well. Best to disinfect that whole place now, one way or another.

Hef tried hard to make pornography inoffensive and even classy, to create a magazine that men could feel good about. It's not a joke that people read Playboy for the articles, and even the comics. It was a high-quality magazine, even if by nature steeped in 60s misogynism - that is, misogyny as a philosophy and lifestyle.

Hefner was himself a failed cartoonist who made life hell for the great cartoonists who worked for him (Jack Cole! Harvey Kurtzman!), requesting thousands of changes. He also paid $500 per page, in 1960s dollars. Try getting paid $100 a page as a comics artist now.

Some would even call him progressive, since despite its Barbie doll ideal, he and his magazine were horny over women of all races, and trans women. I don't think that makes one of the most regressive forces in our media into a progressive, but in a time when the GOP is ready to bring back witch-burning, it's something nice to say about Hef if you're forced to at gunpoint.

Now that he's gone, we'll probably hear a lot of terrifying stories about him, and we'll let those chips fall where they may.

Hugh Hefner is irreplaceable, because where else would we find some slimy creep in a bathrobe willing to make millions (billions) objectifying women and selling pornography? Well, okay, you could find a Hugh Hefner anywhere. But he got there first, and with a misplaced sense of perfectionism that made the whole enterprise curiously plastic and anodyne. Something there for the psychiatrist to figure out.

RIP Hef. Porn is cancelled now. It's over.
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Re: Things I Say

Postby Garrett Gilchrist » Fri Oct 06, 2017 1:32 am

( Inventing the Anime genre: ) Okay, first we animate at 6 frames per second. Then we forget what a human face looks like, and how mouths work. Half of it's robots and half of it's porn. And here's the genius part: THEY'RE THE SAME HALF
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Re: Things I Say

Postby Garrett Gilchrist » Sat Oct 07, 2017 8:48 pm

ME: Oh, this seems like an amusing cartoon show to watch.

THE ENTIRE INTERNET: We have arbitrarily decided that all fans of this TV show are criminal monsters, and will twist everything we hear about you into something horrible until this show goes away

ME: Ugh.

(Repeat)
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Re: Things I Say

Postby Garrett Gilchrist » Mon Oct 09, 2017 3:03 pm

Sam Smith performs at Tom Petty's funeral, unannounced, uninvited. Without rhythm, without meter, without a beat. Three songs in, he's asked to leave. Bees fly out of his mouth. Bullets can't stop him
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Re: Things I Say

Postby Garrett Gilchrist » Sun Oct 15, 2017 6:42 pm

I've got an idea for a cartoon series. I think it's a billion dollar idea, bear with me.

It's about this ugly old one-eyed sailor. He talks to himself all the time, muttering under his breath. He's got elephantitis in his forearms and kids love him because he vastly overestimates the health benefits of canned spinach. There was this study back around WWII where they misplaced a decimal point and thought spinach was full of iron, you get the idea.

He's got this girlfriend. She's skinny as a rail but not in a sexy way. She looks like she's made out of garden hoses. She keeps getting kidnapped by this pirate who's built like King Kong. That's the will they or won't they. Will she choose the ugly old one-eyed sailor or this big rapist pirate?

In the last two minutes of every cartoon, the sailor eats out of a can and suddenly he's the strongest guy in the world. He punches birds, punches fish, he punches the moon. It ends with him telling us what his name is.

Sound like a hit?
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Re: Things I Say

Postby Garrett Gilchrist » Sat Oct 28, 2017 8:47 pm

Me, correcting a dog:

DOG: Woof

ME: *Who've
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Re: Things I Say

Postby Garrett Gilchrist » Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:14 am

I was working a campaign
in old DC
For a monster created by the GOP
With a dozen candidates
He destroyed the crowd
by saying the racist quiet part loud

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump

They said he can't win, that he's too full of hate
But they've gerrymandered districts in every state
From Russia with love came a cyberattack
Gee, it sure would be a shame, if our voting machines got hacked

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump

While he speaks like dementia's
Been eating his brain
He changed GOP policy on Russia and the Ukraine
His campaign was staffed with Russian spies
Who got arrested for lying to the FBI

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump

With a 3 percent chance came impossible results
He won by losing by three million votes
It didn't match the polls, and the experts were confused
He said, you've all been lying, CNN is just fake news!

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump

While Vice President Pence
Thinks you're evil if you're gay
There's a climate denier destroying the EPA
When a hurricane hit
Puerto Rico lost all power
Trump said, not gonna help you
But here's some paper towels

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump

He says they let you do anything
When you're a celebrity
Move on them like a bitch
Grab them by the pussy
Sixteen women go public
That he's sexually harassed
Finally, says FOX News
A President with class

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump

Neo Nazis with torches
Want to murder non-whites
It's time to fight back for our civil rights
But they're very fine people, Trump decided to say
Like his father Fred, who was in the KKK

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump

While Betsy DeVos destroys education
The Senate does the same to the rest of the nation
Our country, it seems
is destined to fail
But it's gonna be fun
Watching these guys go to jail

[He's Donald Trump]
His name is Donald Trump
[He's Donald Trump]
His mind's a garbage dump
[He's Donald Trump]
Now our country's in a slump
[He's Donald Trump]
Because of Donald Trump
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