SUPERMARKET OF THE DAMNED Screenplay by Garrett Gilchrist (c) 2000 by Garrett Gilchrist Second Draft Begun 5/20/00, Finished 5/23/00 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: 1920s RURAL FIELD - EXTERIOR - TWILIGHT FADE IN Various workers are milling about, busying themselves with the particulars of storefront construction. Nothing out of the ordinary - very old-fashioned, nostalgic shots of an agricultural area being ruined by industrial change. BIG CLOSE-UP ON: A patch of dirt. One of the workers is pounding it flat with a shovel. As he breaks up the dirt, a few skeletal fingers are revealed sticking out of the ground. ANGLE ON WORKER He wipes his forehead with an oily rag. He is clearly taken aback by the sight. ANGLE ON DIRT Shovel. Worker pounds ground down further. An entire skeletal arm is revealed. Worker bends down to look at it. Doesn't touch it. WORKER Hey Ernie. You'd better come and look at this. ANGLE ON ERNIE Ernie is a man in his late fifties, smoking a cigar and clearly in charge. ERNIE What is it? We're about to put the foundations in. ANGLE ON CONSTRUCTION We can see the rough foundations of a largish general store being built. The worker is shaking his head in disbelief at the remnants of what is clearly a human skeleton sticking out from underneath the building site. WORKER Look. ANGLE ON REMAINS The worker digs at the arm, and even more of the skeleton can be seen. ERNIE Don't worry about it. ANGLE ON WORKER He is clearly worried about it. WORKER But boss ... ANGLE ON REMAINS A quick, accidental nudge of the shovel digs up what appears to be another bone fragment. A human skull is then revealed. And then another. And then another. The worker recoils in fear. He can't believe this. ERNIE I said don't worry about it, dammit. We've got work to do. WORKER All right, Ernie. I'll seal the site up. ERNIE See that you do. ANGLE ON SITE Ernie walks away. The construction will go as planned. The worker shrugs, and pushes the skulls back into the ground with his hands. He takes the skeletal hand into his own, and pats down the ground beneath it. Suddenly a second skeletal arm punches out of the ground, and both hands clasp around the worker's neck. He tries to scream, but the hands drag him down into the ground, underneath the building site, into oblivion. A trickle of blood issues forth from the hole, which then seals up by itself. ANGLE ON CRANE A sign is lowered into place. It reads "Little Johnny's General Store." DISSOLVE TO: TITLES: Music. Hard white block typeface on black b.g. "SUPERMARKET OF THE DAMNED" Titles flash and then fade away. Dots of bright light now appear in all the blackness. The picture gets brighter and we are aware of fast-moving streetlights. The camera is moving forward at the speed of a car exiting a tunnel. DEBBIE'S VOICE Have you heard what Erica Lainey is making next season? TACK'S VOICE No, no I haven't. INT. CRAPPY CAR DEBBIE One hundred thousand dollars per episode. A hundred grand, Tack! Every episode! TACK Someone must think she deserves it then. We are inside a beat-up green car that wouldn't have been current in 1989. The driver is TACK RAWFIELD, an aspiring young actor, looking relaxed and unconcerned. He is tall, of college age, and not particularly intelligent- looking. Next to him is DEBBIE MORROW, a pretty girl with wavy sand-blonde hair. She is reading an entertainment magazine absent-mindedly. DEBBIE But she doesn't deserve it! No one deserves that kind of money, no matter how many news photographers she flashes her boobs to! TACK Whatever you say, sweetheart. DEBBIE Where are we going, anyway? TACK Well, I just have to run a quick errand or two. DEBBIE You're going to the Little J, aren't you? Dammit Tack, you told me you'd show me a good time tonight. TACK I show you a good time every night, baby. DEBBIE That's no excuse. TACK I just have to go to work for a minute and tell Eric I can't make it in tonight. DEBBIE You're not supposed to be working today anyway. It's a monday! TACK I was supposed to fill in for Ted, the night guy. He's been sick. DEBBIE Likely story. I thought you were gonna quit that place. TACK I am, baby. I just need a little more time there, 'til I can get a good acting job. Debbie pouts. TACK Oh, come on Debbie, baby, don't be that way. Look, if you want it I'll quit tonight, just like that. He snaps his fingers. DEBBIE (smiling) Would you do that for me? TACK Anything, anything. She cuddles up to him more, then fiddles with the radio. Short bursts of radio noise issue forth. Tack reacts, annoyed. RADIO NEWSCASTER [VO] ... bodies of three college students were found yesterday in an abandoned home in the valley. The house was owned by a Doctor Carl Esserman, whose whereabouts are now unknown ... Debbie scowls, spooked, and keeps switching channels. EXT. CAR - ROAD The old car speeds along and out of our view. BIG "LITTLE J" SIGN Pull back from sign to show Little J Superstores store. This is clearly the same store we saw in the 1920s footage, only modernized into the wholesale megamarket of our times. EXT. CAR - LITTLE J PARKING LOT Tack pulls the car into the lot, and parks it. Some loud pop music Debbie has selected for her listening enjoyment is blotting out all conceivable sound. Tack shuts off the car, and it stops abruptly. Debbie seems a bit dismayed. Tack gets out of the car, and Debbie follows him. DEBBIE It's so weird, isn't it? I mean, you can be all happy and vibrant and, like, alive one minute, and then, you're just, you're just gone. TACK What? DEBBIE Those three kids, stupid. In that house. The ones who died. That could've been us. TACK Oh. FOREST From the forest we can see The LITTLE J, and in the far distance, Tack and Debbie walking up to it. We hear the rustling of leaves, and a shadowy figure runs by very quickly. LITTLE J ENTRANCE TACK So I'm quitting, right? DEBBIE Dammit, Tack, don't be such a loser! I don't wanna leave you, but I don't wanna go out with a stinking grocery-bagger either. TACK So I'm quitting. Debbie makes an annoyed grunt and walks through the automatic doorway. We hear distant giggling. Tack stops for a moment and glances outward, like he's heard something, but there's nothing there. INT. LITTLE J CHECKOUT COUNTER Teddy, a bespectacled youth in his awkward stage, is manning the register in uniform. An old lady is grabbing her bags. ERIC'S VOICE [over speaker system] Attention Little J Superstores shoppers. We will be switching to night hours in just two minutes. Please bring all items from the sporting goods, electronics, and cosmetics departments to the register at this time. TEDDY Would you like your receipt, ma'am? She ignores him. TEDDY (cont.) O-kay ... Remember, think Little J's for big savings! She has already left. The door closes with a "ding." Teddy, sighing, rips the receipt from the register and bends down to throw it into his tiny blue trashcan. When he stands up, Tack and Debbie are standing right next to him. TACK Hello Ted. TEDDY Tack! Where the hell have you been? TACK Driving. I thought you were home sick. TEDDY I am! Well, I was. I'm sick anyway. Debbie gives a disapproving look. TEDDY Look, the truth is, I've got a date tonight, and I can't afford to miss it. TACK (uninterested) Hot stuff, eh? TEDDY The hottest! And I need someone to cover for me, and, and, and ... well, you're here, aren't you? TACK Sorry Ted. I just dropped by to tell you I'm busy tonight too. Debbie elbows Tack in the side. TACK Well, I'll be busy every night, actually. DEBBIE He's quitting. TACK Yeah. TEDDY You can't! I mean, who're we gonna get to replace you? Brent's leaving next week, and that leaves housewares empty! I don't wanna go back to housewares, Tack! TACK Well, I ... He looks at DEBBIE. Her brow is furrowed. He turns back to TEDDY, determined. TACK Deal with it. I quit. DEBBIE Yeah, deal with it, loser. Come on Tacky, let's go. They turn and leave. Teddy looks distraught. EXT. LITTLE J The camera moves slowly around the Little J, and we hear strange whispering and the padding of feet. Several shadowy figures run by just in front of our line of view. They seem to be searching for an entrance. They are clad in rags. INT. LITTLE J ENTRANCE Tack and Debbie are about to leave, but the automatic door opens and shuts at incredible speed in front of them (with a quick "ding"), and does not open again. Tack hits it with his fist. It rattles. It is made of plexiglass. Debbie looks at Tack, lost. TACK (to Teddy, offscreen) Hey, what's wrong with this door? ANGLE ON TEDDY He shrugs. ANGLE ON DOOR The door is opening and closing and opening and closing and opening again, seemingly mocking Tack and Debbie. Ding, ding, dingdingdingdingding. They can't get through it. ANGLE ON TACK He looks at the door quizzically. As if in response, a voice comes from nowhere. WHISPERING VOICE Let us in. Tack reacts, startled. Faint traces of shadow and light play across the door. WHISPERING VOICE We won't hurt you. Tack stares at the door bug-eyed. Is he losing his mind? ANGLE ON TEDDY TEDDY Try the side entrance. I don't think that one's gonna work. ANGLE ON TACK AND DEBBIE TACK Yeah, thanks for the tip. ANGLE ON A speaker on the ceiling. ERIC'S VOICE [over speaker system] Attention Little J Superstores shoppers. INT. ERIC'S OFFICE ERIC [speaking into microphone] The sporting goods, electronics, and cosmetics departments are now closed. ERIC ELDRIDGE is the manager, in his late thirties but aging fast. He is holding a small intercom. There is a photograph of Ernie (the boss in the 1920s scene, with his cigar) on his wall. His window is open. EXT. ERIC'S OFFICE We see the silhouettes of what looks like children gathered around Eric's window. They are giggling. INT. ERIC'S OFFICE He has heard something. He stands up and walks over to his window. He looks. EXT. ERIC'S OFFICE Nothing is there. INT. ERIC'S OFFICE He returns to his seat and the giggling resumes, echoing all around. Hints of light and shadow dance across his weathered face. ANGLE ON WINDOW The window suddenly shatters. Silence. ERIC What the hell? INT. LITTLE J Tack walks briskly through shot. Debbie tries to keep up with him. He stands in front of the door, posture straight as a post, anger in his eyes, as if ordering it to open. It "dings," and does not open. A moment passes. Tack is perfectly calm. Another moment passes. TACK GODDAMN SONUVABITCH!! He beats hell out of the door with all he's got. DEBBIE Tack! TACK! He isn't listening. She tries to restrain him, but he simply beats the thing until he bleeds, to no avail. Finally, he stops, thinks, and realizes he's in considerable pain. TACK Aaaagh! He grabs his hand. It is beet red. TACK Dammit. There is a pause as Debbie, slightly shaken, tends to Tack's wound. Burt from the electronics department enters. [Yes, he looks like an electronics man, confident and snazzily-dressed in muted red and green, with glasses, bowtie, and a ready pen or three.] BURT FROM ELECTRONICS What's the problem here? DEBBIE He can't open the door. Tack kicks the door, realizes this is futile, then kicks it again. Emily from cosmetics [small, blonde and frail, in a little green dress] and Jane from Sporting Goods [sexy, athletic and black-haired, in sneakers and cycling togs] are entering. Jane is eating an apple. Tack looks at the door angrily, then turns and walks away briefly, whistling, not looking at the door. Then, after a pause, he runs screaming at the door and smacks straight into it, falling in a crumpled heap to the floor. JANE FROM SPORTING GOODS Door won't open, eh? TACK Yeah. EMILY FROM COSMETICS Well, how do we get out, then? Tack growls at the door. BURT Well, these things usually aren't serious. I mean, maybe the sensor's not set up right. It needs to be able to "see" people come and go, or else ... He stops, startled, as Tack slams into the door with his shoulder. He is jumping up, trying to rip the sensor thingy or the door down. After a bit of this, Tack stops to catch his breath. Then he turns and marches offscreen. BURT Maybe it's just not getting any power. LITTLE J AISLES Tack walks like a bat out of hell down aisle after aisle. He knows exactly where he's going, and pays no attention to any of the clerks as he passes them. SEASONAL NEEDS GUY Hey Tacky! How's it going? GIFTWRAP LADY Tack -- long time no see! HOUSEWARES GIRL Oh Tacky, did you file your last report yet? He reaches the hardware aisle. This is what he wants. He grabs a crowbar, and turns back exactly as he came. HARDWARE MAN Hey, you'll have to sign for that - oh Tack, it's you! How've you been? Tack is long gone. LITTLE J AISLES Some of the shopkeepers turn and stare as the force zooms through a large-boxed cereal aisle, knocking over much of what it sees. A little old lady in a red cap and blue dress doesn't seem to notice any of it. ERIC'S OFFICE The sounds of giggling are everywhere. Eric is getting angry, but trying to be calm, smoking a cigar and closing his eyes. The glass on his door suddenly shatters. He stumbles to his feet in anger and disbelief - this is going to cost him. He grabs the intercom. ERIC Attention Little J Superstores employees - just what is going on out there? SIDE DOOR Tack readies his crowbar for the swing like he's at the batting cage. He then pounds hell out of the thing. Debbie covers her ears. Everyone stands out of Tack's way. His eyes are wild. The bulletproof door begins to dent. ANGLE ON TACK'S FACE We hear what he hears - lots of noise and pounding. Something screeches with every hit, and it isn't human. ERIC'S OFFICE Even from this distance, Eric can hear the crowbar pounding. Huffily, he stands, kicks his impressive chair aside and storms off to see what the matter is. SIDE DOOR Tack is inflicting upon these doors a full death penalty. The plexiglass is cracking in little spiderweb shapes, and there are holes in them everywhere. Everyone is holding their ears, ducking and keeping a safe distance. He stops to catch his breath. TACK ... Y'had enough?? Well? Have you? Aaah?? The door dings twice. This is the final straw, and Tack REALLY gives it to the door this time. As he's doing so, the horrified Eric enters. ERIC (shouting over din) Wh-what the hell do you think you're doing?? Tack stops and catches himself. TACK I ... don't know. But I'm doing it pretty well, aren't I? ERIC You're destroying Little J Superstores property! Residual insurance isn't going to cover this! What in the name of great goddamn are you trying to do here? Tack silences him with one raised finger. TACK Hey! Don't toss your breath at me, sweetcheeks. I'm no loser. I've quit this place, as of today, and I could care less about your little problems. ERIC Quit? DEBBIE (deliriously happy) Yeah. ERIC You'll get no severance pay! You haven't given me two weeks' notice! TACK Here's your two weeks' notice. He kicks what's left of the door, hard, and the entire plexiglass panel falls out and shatters on the pavement. Eric is purple with rage. TACK Come on Debbie, let's go. Debbie makes a weird little dancer's bow to the gathered crowd, and Tack takes her in his arms. They march off through the empty glass pane. JANE He could get more power if he'd just tighten up his stance. TACK AND DEBBIE - TRACKING SHOT The happy couple are walking along. He is proud, if exhausted, and she is giggling. He puts his arm around her, and she skips a bit as she walks. After a bit of this, they pass the little old lady in the blue dress, and then Teddy's register. Tack stops like he's realized something unpleasant. PULL OUT TO SHOW They haven't left the store. Tack and Debbie are standing right back where they started. Eric, Jane, Emily and Burt look at them, quizzically. Tack growls, and storms through the door he broke again. Debbie starts to go with him, but thinks better of it. The camera stays with her. After a moment's pause Tack comes right through into the shot again, from behind. He stops. TACK Dang. ANGLE ON DOOR It dings, and the empty doorframe fills up once again with plexiglass, like a glass being filled with water. ANGLE ON TACK & OTHERS - FACES OF DISBELIEF TACK That ... can't be right, can it? Eric is frightened out of his mind, but forces a sort of smile. ERIC Rudolph Tack Rawfield, I don't know how you did that, but consider all damage charges dropped. TACK Don't count me out yet, pops. I still got a crowbar and the night's young. Eric winces at this. SPEAKER ON CEILING Over the loudspeaker we hear a crackling female voice. EVIL VOICE (over speaker system) Attention, Little J Superstores staff. If you're having trouble leaving, it's because we're not going to LET you leave. And Tack, stop trying to break the store. TACK & OTHERS, LOOKING UPWARD TACK Who are you? Where are you? EVIL VOICE (over speaker) Oh, let's not spoil all the surprises just yet. [laughs] TACK Show me where you are so I can break your face in! I just want to go home, okay? EVIL VOICE (over speaker) Not going to happen, Tack. We've already singled you out as our new special friend. TACK Why are you picking on ME? Pick on Teddy. He's an easy target. TEDDY [offscreen] Hey! Debbie has become angry at the unmoving boss, Eric. She pushes at him. DEBBIE Well, don't just stand there! Get the door working! ERIC Look lady, I'm the manager here. My grandfather built this place. If you want a repairman, go hire one. I'm spent for the day. She is too impatient for this routine, and starts hitting him. ERIC Ow. OW! All right, stop it, STOP IT! She stops it. ERIC I'll take a look at the stupid switchboard, okay? Geez. ANGLE ON ERIC & ERIC'S OFFICE Shaking his head and grumbling, he walks back into his office. EMILY Be careful! ERIC Yeah, yeah. He closes the door with a creak. For a second we see him in the shattered-glass windowframe, then he walks into the right side of the office and we can't see him at all. Utter silence. ANGLE ON TACK, DEBBIE & OTHERS The suspense is unbearable. They really think Eric is probably going to die in there. ANGLE ON ERIC'S OFFICE Nothing happens for about half a minute. The worry builds to a fever pitch. Suddenly, the door opens! ERIC I dunno how to work that thing. You'll have to go and look at it, Burt. Eric just throws his hands up in defeat and walks back. ANGLE ON BURT The electronics man swallows hard and looks around him nervously. BURT (with confidence) Yeah. I can probably fix it. What we got here, a Howard 21-A? That's a simple system. But he seems to leave with hesitance. ANGLE ON ERNIE'S OFFICE There is an unnatural glow shining from out of the shattered windowpane. Burt is shaking slightly. BURT Wellp, here I go. He walks slow, one step at a time, still looking back at the others. BURT Don't anyone try and stop me, or anything. He feels behind him for the doorknob. BURT Yup, here I go. Into the office. ANGLE ON ERIC, DEBBIE, TACK & OTHERS Frightened faces. It's a good thing Burt's going in, because they wouldn't. ANGLES ON ERNIE'S OFFICE Burt has opened the door. He tries to smile and have a quick laugh, but can't. He sighs, and enters, closing the door behind him. ANGLE ON DEBBIE She is hanging on Tack. DEBBIE Tack, I'm scared. TACK Come on, baby, what's there to be scared about? A FEW FEET BEHIND THEM The horrifying face of a possessed old lady in a blue dress rises up into the air, its twisted features a mangle of fangs and decomposing flesh. It is bathed in dark, firy light, and a foul autumn wind kicks up a spiral of dying leaves behind it. It screams with ninety voices. DEBBIE, TURNING AROUND She screams, too. Tack grabs her and pushes her out of harm's way. He stares at it in steely-eyed defiance, then ducks down slightly. ANGLE ON FLOOR Tack grabs the crowbar. ANGLE ON POSSESSED THING It screeches and flies at horrifying speed directly AT THE CAMERA. FOLLOW POSSESSED THING As it flies on hell's wings, until Tack's crowbar connects with its head and knocks it out of shot. ANGLE POSSESSED THING The thing, sliding, lands in a crumpled heap. UPWARD ANGLE - TACK He takes two steps forward, into a heroic pose. TACK I can't help you, lady. Cosmetics is closed. ANGLE ON FLOOR The wounded thing yowls with all the anger of Hades, and springs up into attack mode. ANGLE ON TACK He screams and runs. ANGLE ON TACK AND POSSESSED THING - TRACKING He can't run fast enough. It follows him. He ducks out of sight and it flies over him. He knocks it down with the crowbar and runs again, but it chases him down. ANGLE ON DEBBIE She lets out a gasp of a scream. Eric, thinking quick, ducks behind her. TACK BATTLES THE POSSESSED THING Though showing considerable skill with a crowbar, he seems to be fighting a losing battle. He hits it again and again and again, pop-eyed and frightened, screaming, but it just keeps coming. ERIC'S OFFICE The normal pale lighting scheme has now been replaced by extremes in red and black. Burt does not seem concerned as he fiddles with the switchboard that controls all the doors. ANGLE ON SWITCHBOARD - LCD SCREEN READOUT All the exits have little red skull-and-crossbones signs over them. Burt pushes a few buttons, and those little marks disappear. ANGLE ON BURT - TRIUMPHANT He hits the last "execute" switch, and it's all set! But only at the last instant does he notice the white light growing behind him. He turns, and his mouth opens in a silent scream. THE SIDE DOOR The stubborn door opens with a "ding." POSSESSED OLD LADY AND TACK The evil thing has Tack in a headlock, and is dragging him along the ground. TACK I'm okay, really! I think if I can just ... Ow! His head hits hard on the floor, over and over and over again. He notices the door is open. TACK [pointing] Hey, look, it's Ed MacMahon! The beast looks. Freeing himself with the crowbar, he flips the beast into a tailspin, and brings his crowbar up at just the right time to smash its head in like a rotten apple. It has landed right in the middle of the doorway. He jumps back and slams the sensor device above the door with the crowbar. The thing screeches as the twin automatic doors suddenly close, and close hard, right on it. It is squeezed and sliced into atoms. ANGLE ON TACK The thing's blood and guts splatter all over him. He takes four steps forward, staggering, and then doubles over in pain. TACK OW! He rubs his bloody head. TACK That really HURT! DEBBIE & OTHERS They are shocked by what they have just seen, as well they should be. ANGLE ON TACK He wipes his face with his hand, and blood spatters down. Into the same hand, he then blows his nose. ANGLE ON OTHERS Shock, still. Finally, Emily from cosmetics gets up the nerve to speak. EMILY You killed it. TACK Really? I thought it killed me. Almost, anyway. He holds his head and winces in pain. EMILY What was that thing? JANE A thing, I think. DEBBIE That was just not natural! It looked ... possessed. Not human. Evil. Ugly. ANGLE ON POSSESSED LADY'S BODY PARTS They explode again. ANGLE ON ERIC Blood splatters on his face. He wipes it off, shaking and angry. ERIC Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we call the police? ANGLE ON RED COURTESY PHONE It melts. Show phones all across the store sparking and melting. EMILY There's something strange going on here. ERIC Oh, you noticed that, did you? Tack vomits blood. DEBBIE Are you all right, Tack? Tack gives her a look that would shatter glass. She backs off, scared. But Tack calms down. Actually, he sits down, slumping like a rag doll to the floor. TACK No, I'm fine, just ... kind of ... tired. I could use a ... rest. He buries his head in his hands. ANGLE ON OTHERS No one seems to know what to say. JANE Wait a minute ... Burt! He's still in that office! ERIC My office. EMILY Oh, I do hope he's all right. DEBBIE Well, you're so curious, go in and get him. EMILY I'm not going in there! DEBBIE Well, someone has to go. Jane is already edging her way toward the door, cautiously. EMILY You go! DEBBIE No chance in hell! I'm leaving in a minute. EMILY You can't! What if something's in there? DEBBIE Oh, don't be such a sissy. JANE Quiet! ... I hear something moving in there. EMILY Jane! No, don't get too close! JANE I said quiet, Emily. I'm fine. I've got a can of mace with me. She pats her back pocket. Silence. No one says or does anything. Jane looks into the windowpane. JANE That's funny ... there doesn't seem to be anything in there. Tension builds. With a steady hand, she flings the door open. The room is now basically empty. She shrugs, and two demonic fingers grab her throat. She screams. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT The thing is clearly Burt, but he is made to look truly horrifying. He is beastly, with pale leathery skin and completely white space where his eyes should be. Blood streams from his open, tongueless mouth. His clothes are in shreds, and he is covered in scabs and hair. He screeches. JANE & POSSESSED BURT He is digging his claws into her neck. JANE Hello Burt. What's new? ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT POSSESSED BURT BURT IS GONE! HE FRIES IN THE CAULDRON OF HELL! ANGLE ON JANE She grabs his arms, and tries to pull them off of her neck. JANE Yes, well, then who am I speaking to now? ANGLE ON BOTH The horrible thing growls. JANE Look, if you can't talk this out like a rational person, I'm afraid I can't help you. POSSESSED BURT Who the fuck do you think you are, to challenge the power of the dead? JANE The name's Jane. Sporting Goods. She pulls out the mace and squirts Possessed Burt with it. It screeches. She puts it back into her pocket. In an instant the possessed head retreats into its body like an old-fashioned puppet. Out of the hole where the head was, pops Burt's own normal head, crushed and bloody. BURT Jane! Oh, god, please don't be so brave. JANE What is going on, Burt? BURT They took my soul, I think. I don't know what they did, but man, it really hurts. JANE Remember the old days, Burt? Remember prom night? "Piano Man?" It'll be all right, Burt. Just stay right here. I won't go anywhere. Two demonic hands come out from either side of Burt's neck. Bone fragments fly everywhere. Burt screams. The hands push his head down, and it reforms itself into the possessed head. POSSESSED BURT YOU WHORE! YOU WILL SEE YOUR PRECIOUS BURT NO LONGER! HE IS SATAN'S BITCH NOW! AND SO ARE YOU! ANGLE ON BURT'S TORSO Two more demonic arms shoot out of Burt's chest. Blood spills out everywhere. Their hairy hands and six-inch claws seize Jane's neck, and crush it in on itself. She tries to reach her mace, but can't. JANE Hey, wait .... A crunching noise. Her head falls limply and hangs upside-down on her back, swinging side to side, attached to her body by just a thread of crushed and knotted neck. DEBBIE, EMILY, & ERIC Eric screams. The Possessed Burt-thing shoots forth at exaggerated speed, and slams him hard in the chin. Eric is flung upwards, hitting the ceiling and knocking out a fluorescent light. The Burt-thing holds him there, and Eric receives a major electrical shock. It then beats him like a potato sack onto the floor, breaking both his legs off. ANGLE ON ERIC'S BLEEDING LEGS ERIC Oh God, oh holy God in heaven, just kill me now. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It roars. ANGLE ON ERIC He screams and whimpers, crawling away on his bloody stumps. Little trails of blood follow behind, but Eric is clearly still all right otherwise. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It follows him, flying elegantly. Suddenly -- ANGLE ON TACK He is standing, crowbar ready, and his face is cleaner. He bangs the crowbar on the floor loudly. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It stops, and turns around to look at Tack. POSSESSED BURT Hrrrhm?? ANGLE ON TACK TACK I'm not in the mood for being jerked around like this. I got a girl here, I'm going home. You got a problem with that, I got a crowbar. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It howls. ANGLE ON DEBBIE She gasps. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT It attacks. ANGLE ON TACK He slams his crowbar forward like a brick wall into the thing's head. It is only stopped for a moment, though, and it has razor claws. TACK OW! He rubs his hands. TACK Geez, what's that thing's head made of, cement? It bites his shoulder. He screams. DEBBIE Tack, be careful! TACK Yes, sweetheart, I will. It slashes at him, again and again, and he jumps back to avoid it, but his face and shoulders sustain cuts. DEBBIE TACK! Recovering, he wields the crowbar like a knife, and stabs the thing. It bleeds, but this isn't enough. Tack swings wide. ANGLE ON TACK'S HAND (HOLDING CROWBAR) The beastie grabs Tack's wrist, stopping him in midswing. With one of its free hands, it then whacks the crowbar out of Tack's hand. We follow the crowbar. JUST BEHIND SPINNING CROWBAR POV - THROUGH AISLES We watch the crowbar spin as it flies at high speed and smashes into an oversized gumball machine. The gumballs all spill out in a glorious sugar stream. TACK & POSSESSED BURT Gumballs spill out all over the floor. The beastie is crushing Tack's wrist. It grabs him and flings him into the air backwards. He lands in a [full] shopping cart, which flips sideways and drops him rather unceremoniously on the ground, showering him in baseball bats, tennis balls, ice packets, and things for the wife. The cart itself then tips upside-down and conks Tack squarely on the head. TACK OW! Goddamnit! You're really pissing me off! ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT Growling in glee, it makes a quick, loose-legged run for him, but fails to take into account the gumballs on the floor. It slips grandly, flips and lands painfully on its back, a flattened sack of goo. ANGLE ON TACK Quickly and urgently, and tipping over like a drunken monkey from all the pain he's just endured, he lifts the shopping cart over his head. ANGLE ON POSSESSED BURT'S FACE It is a mess. From the flattened, bloody pancake two pathetic round eyeballs pop out. POSSESSED BURT NO! The shopping cart lands on the thing hard, and grates him like cheese. ANGLE ON TACK, TRIUMPHANT He looks down at the bloody smudge he's made of the Burt-thing. TACK Hey, look at that. We're gonna need clean-up in aisle ten. DEBBIE & EMILY Debbie gushes with joy. Tack is her hero. Even the legless Eric, visible in the background, seems relieved. Emily is unsure. ANGLE ON TACK He walks heroically back to Debbie, before slipping, hard, on some gumballs on the floor. ANGLE ON OTHERS All look a bit shocked. Emily maybe hiding amusement. Debbie rushes down to help him. ANGLE ON TACK & DEBBIE She grabs him and helps him to his feet. TACK I'm all right, I'm all right. DEBBIE Well, sorry to spoil the party everyone, but it's definitely time for us two to go. EMILY You can't! I mean, what if there are more of those things around? DEBBIE Yeah, Emily. What if there are? EMILY We might wind up locked in here again, and without Tack, well ... well, you saw what happened to Jane, dammit! DEBBIE Tell it to someone who cares. EMILY (moving toward Tack, amorously) Maybe I will. DEBBIE That doesn't include my boyfriend, you dried-up little slut. EMILY You're a real bitch, you know that, Debbie? You've always been a bitch. I got myself transferred out of customer service and into cosmetics, just so I wouldn't have to work with you. You can play your little power-games all you want, but I'm wise to you now, and there is no way in hell I'm gonna get myself killed on your account. DEBBIE You done? EMILY I'm done. DEBBIE Good. Now let's get a few things straight. I've quit this place, and so has my boyfriend. We don't have to stay and help any of you. I don't care if three hundred of those, those ... things come out and slaughter the lot of you. TACK No one's getting slaughtered. We're all leaving. Even you, Emily. EMILY What about Jane? DEBBIE What about her? She's dead. TACK We'll call the police in the morning. ANGLE ON ANOTHER PHONE It explodes. TACK (to phone) Stop that. Eric winces. All right everyone. Get your things, and a stretcher for Eric. I don't know what's going on here, but I'm pretty sure if we don't get out of here quick we won't get out at all. LITTLE J FRONT AISLES Long dolly shot. Everything in the store is giggling. Light and shadow are dancing across the entire store, which seems to darken and warp and play. TACK Ignore that. The others look afraid. TACK I said ignore it! The entire store seems to be moving of its own power. The giggling gets deeper and more evil, covering everything we see. ANGLE ON TOASTERS Popping up, jumping. ANGLE ON BLENDERS Turning on, running over with blood. ANGLE ON TEDDY TEDDY Dude! This is not cool right here. EMILY [staring, shocked] Shut up, Teddy. Don't be an idiot. ANGLE ON CHILDREN'S TOYS All sprouting hideous faces. ANGLE ON TOY BEARS Vampiric, white-eyed evil teddy bears, fangs dripping with blood. SPINNING, DISTORTED CAMERA More horrible laughter. ANGLE ON TACK TACK Yeah? You think it's funny, huh? I bet you think it's real freakin' funny. You think you can just march in here with your dead people magic and just do ANYTHING you want! Well, SCREW YOU. ZIP PAN DOWN THE AISLES The laughter is getting more echo-y and bizarre, musical even. It dies down greatly. TACK, DEFIANT TACK I'm not scared by anything anymore. I've worked here. That's scary enough for anyone. The entire toy aisle dumps itself right on Tack. He is buried beneath vampiric toys, and begins to scream. The laughter has stopped. TACK BURIED UNDER TOYS His screams are muffled. He pops out from beneath the fuzz, and spits out a frisbee. Teddy bears are biting at his neck and drawing blood. A large yellow bouncy-ball hits him again and again in the head. He battles his way out from beneath the pile of toys, but half of them are still attached to him. He is kicking and struggling for all he's worth, screaming "AAAGGH!! AGGGH!!" TRACKING SHOT WITH FLYING BLENDER We see a blood-filled blender, with its snakelike cord, whirring and spinning for all it's worth, fly right at Tack's neck, and we track with it. BLENDER HITS TACK The cord wraps itself snakelike around Tack's neck, choking him. Its blades become larger and it upends itself right onto Tack's head, covering him in a thick red substance, like a blood daquiri. TACK, HEAD STUCK IN BLENDER His screams are muffled. The blender is trying to frappe him! DEBBIE AND OTHERS, BAFFLED They are dumbstruck, and just stand there gawking. TACK CHOKING The blender's blades are messing up Tack's hair, and are about to give him serious unrequested brain surgery, but mainly he's choking, tugging at the power cords strung tighter and tighter around his neck. LOUD blender noises. ANGLE ON TACK'S LEGS There are still one or two vampire teddy bears gnawing at his legs. He kicks one of them off. ANGLE ON BALL It bounces menacingly. ANGLE ON DEBBIE She rolls her eyes at the idiocy of the situation and walks forward to help him. ANGLE ON BASEBALL BATS About six of them, perfectly synchronized, rise up in the air -- a few notes of "batter up-CHARGE!" play on the soundtrack. One of them leaps forward to attack Tack. ANGLE ON DEBBIE Walking right next to Tack, she grabs it as it flies, unconcerned, and takes it into a batting position. She licks her lips and gets ready to swing. ANGLE ON TACK'S TORTURED FACE He is screaming, and his face is getting cut up. ANGLE ON DEBBIE AND TACK She SWINGS! The blender shatters, falls off and dies, and basically Tack is hit very hard on the head by a baseball bat. With a grunt he falls face-first onto the floor. ANGLE ON TACK HITTING GROUND He hits a fluffy kitty pillow. It squeaks. EVERYONE, DUMBSTRUCK Utter silence. DEBBIE AND TACK Debbie, shocked, drops the bat and scrambles to help Tack. DEBBIE Oh! Oh geez! I'm sorry Tack, I didn't think the bat would hit you head-on like that. He grabs her shoulders very hard. TACK Then you shouldn't have SWUNG IT AT MY HEAD LIKE THAT ... sweetheart. He lets her go. His face is covered with red goo. He spits. DEBBIE I'm sorry. TACK Don't be. You were saving my life or ending it. It's a good day for either. [rubs head in pain] Owwww ... ANGLE ON EMILY EMILY Thank heaven that fluffy li'l kitty pillow was there to break your fall! ANGLE ON TACK Tack picks up the pillow and looks at it. TACK I hate fluffy little kitty pillows. He spits blood onto it, looks at it, and then lets it drop. It squeaks loudly as it falls. ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE A demonic figure materializes out of smoke and fire. It looks a bit like Tack. POSSESSED TACK [distorted voice] Manifesto Greymalkin ... It disappears in a puff of smoke. TACK, DEBBIE, EMILY, ERIC, AND FIVE EXTRAS ERIC What in God's green hell was that? DEBBIE Tack! That looked like you! Tell me that wasn't you! TACK It wasn't me, sweetheart. It was way too ugly. EMILY What did he say? Manifesto something? ERIC "Manifesto Greymalkin." A very strange book, sort of an underground thing. Big in the occult circles. All about bringing the dead back to life for purposes of evil. EMILY Sounds icky. ERIC It is. Help me into a chair, will you? I'm already bleeding to death; I don't want to freeze to death on this cold tile as well. Emily helps the legless Eric into a small business chair, with wheels, that is nearby. TACK The Manifesto Greymalkin. No, it couldn't be. I haven't heard that name since ... since ... well, I don't think I've actually heard it ever. Yes, that must be it. I'm hearing that name for the first time, Manifesto Greymalkin, okay, tell me a bit about it. ERIC No. TACK Dammit, tell me about the book! How do you know about it? Do you know how to fight its power? ERIC You're scaring me, man. EMILY So you DO know what this Manifesto thingy is, Tack? TACK Er ... no. Never seen or heard of it before in my life. DEBBIE Well you've CLEARLY heard of it Tack, otherwise it wouldn't be bothering you so much. He grabs Debbie roughly. TACK [screaming, demonic voice] LOOK, I HAVEN'T HEARD OF NO FRICKIN' MANIFESTO, ALL RIGHT?? SO LAY OFF MY CAAAASE!! Tack returns to normal. He lets go. TACK Sorry. I ... don't know what got into me. EMILY "Lay off my case?" That's an odd expression, isn't it? ERIC [boredly] The Manifesto Greymalkin, by Dr. Carl Esserman. First published in 1982, in a run of only about three hundred copies. Not published again until this year. It's supposed to be based on ancient rituals and texts but most people think Dr. Esserman just wrote it all himself. He was and is a seriously screwed-up person. All about witchcraft, befriending Satan, resurrecting the deceased, that kind of nonsense. We got it in stock yesterday, and haven't sold a copy yet. ANGLE ON TACK, TERRIFIED TACK You got it in ... stock ... ERIC Yesterday. Paperback only. He stands up and acts like he's going to throttle Eric. So he does. TACK THEY PUT IT INTO PAPERBACK??? LITTLE J, BOOKS AND MAGAZINES AISLE Tack is looking at the paperback Manifesto Greymalkin. The cover is entirely black, the sort of black that seems like it could just suck you right in. He turns it over in his hands, astonished. TACK [reading] "Manifesto Greymalkin, or How to Unlock the Secrets of Hell. By Dr. Carl Esserman. 'The most thoroughly evil book ever written' -- Newsweek." EMILY Wow. DEBBIE Is this why all these, you know, strange things keep happening? EMILY Well, duh. DEBBIE Shut your stinkin' pie-hole, Emily, before I shut it for you. TACK I remember now. I don't know how I could've forgotten it all in the first place. I suppose I wanted to forget. DEBBIE Hmm? TACK I owned that book once. It feels like ... it feels like many years ago, but it couldn't have been, because I was with you then, Debbie, and we've only been going out for, for, how long have we been going out? DEBBIE Twenty-four months and eight days, Tack, and you forgot our anniversary. TACK That's right. I bought the book during a school play. I was playing that ... guy, the Scotsman who kills the king, whatever his name was. Macbeth. Really getting into the part. Too much, maybe. The night I brought the book home, strange things started to happen. I read it. You were there. The dead things came, and they took you away, took you with them to hell ... DEBBIE [angry] Wait a minute, they "took" me?? TACK Yeah. Emily takes a copy of the book the shelf and begins to read it. DEBBIE What the hell is that supposed to mean? TACK You became possessed. You died in your sleep. That was the last I saw of you. DEBBIE Did I miss something? When did all this happen? When the hell did you ever play Macbeth? TACK It was as if all the evil of the world had been compressed into a single being, an evil that was alive somehow, controlling everything, destroying all it saw ... I must have died that night too. I couldn't have survived that, I know. DEBBIE Rudolph Tack Rawfield, WHAT IN THE OUTHOUSE OF HEAVEN are you talking about? EMILY [still reading] No, he's right. It says right here. DEBBIE WHAT? EMILY [reading, brightly] The massacre on Main Street. Killed were Debbie R. Morrow and Rudolph T. Rawfield, hey that's you Tack, you're in here, neat! Oh, and two cats and some chick named Samantha Romero. TACK Yeah, she was in the play too. Nice girl. ANGLE ON EMILY Emily points the book out so that everyone can clearly see it. A picture of Debbie is inside. EMILY And see? That's you, Debbie. You're dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD. So THERE. She closes the book. ANGLE ON ALL THREE EMILY That's a pretty cool book, you know that Tack? I love that occult stuff. Debbie screams in rage and pounces on Emily, beating the living crap out of her. ANGLE ON TACK TACK Now now now ladies, violence never solved anything. ANGLE ON EMILY AND DEBBIE, FIGHTING They look up at him, angrily. ANGLE ON TACK TACK Well, except for some of the stuff I did earlier, but BESIDES THAT ... ANGLE ON EMILY AND DEBBIE They go back to fighting. FIGHTING EMILY & DEBBIE, AND TACK They are really tearing into each other. Emily is fast on her feet, but Debbie can throw a punch and has apparently taken self-defense classes, perhaps Tae Kwon Do. Tack simply watches, confused, distant, a hint of a smile on his face. He is holding an open copy of the Manifesto. Emily is knocking Debbie back with swift and deadly kicks as Tack shrugs and walks away. The camera stays with the ladies for a few seconds and then follows with Tack. TRACK WITH TACK, WALKING THROUGH AISLES Tack is absentmindedly reading the unholy book, walking very fast down aisle after aisle and mumbling to himself. Apparently he can't read without reading aloud somewhat. Again, he pays no attention to any of the clerks as he passes them. TACK [under breath] Demonic resurrection, how to bring the dead back to life ... warning, they will become evil. Do not attempt this spell if you are already dead ... SPRAYPAINT MAN Hey Rawfield! You're all right! I heard you were in a fight earlier! LINGERIE GIRL Hey Tacky! Do you know what all that noise was about? GIFTS FOR HER WOMAN Tack! It's you! You scared me half to death ... TACK [under breath] Burial rites, gifts for the recently deceased ... geez, this reads like stereo instructions. JANE [sexily] Hello Tack. Tack stops. There she is, big as life, the late Jane from Sporting Goods. Her neck is still obviously crushed and knotted and to keep her head from dangling behind her she has to hold it up with her right hand, which is beginning to rot slightly. Otherwise she looks fine, better than fine in fact. TACK Hi Jane. I thought you were dead. JANE I am. TACK Yeah, me too. Isn't life a bitch? JANE [emotionless] When did you die, Tack? TACK I dunno, a few days ago, maybe a few years ago. Says so right here. Maybe time doesn't mean anything anymore. JANE Debbie's dead too, isn't she? TACK Why would you think that? JANE [demonic voice] We're all dead here Tack. I'm dead, you're dead, the entire human race is dead dead dead. Her eyes turn a pale pupiless yellow. She lets go of her head and it drops, dangling by a thread of stretched-out neck in front of her. CLOSE-UP, POSSESSED JANE'S UPSIDE-DOWN HEAD Her mouth is black and she has fangs. Her face glows with an unholy fire. POSSESSED JANE YEEAAHHHH, real mondo big dead time right here for me. ANGLE ON TACK & JANE She moves gracefully, like a dancer. POSSESSED JANE Isn't it WONDERFUL? Tack pauses a moment, and then slaps Jane's head. It bounces back and forth like a tetherball. She seems sick and dizzy. TACK Hey, Jane. Snap out of it. Jane growls. POSSESSED JANE YOU WILL DIEEEEEEE. TACK Again? POSSESSED JANE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. TACK Well see, that's the part I don't quite understand there. I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm walking around ... The demonic Jane screeches and charges at Tack, trying to bite his face off. He dodges her but everywhere he goes her head can stretch out to reach him. She claws at him, bites his legs, and finally just spits on him. He stops in his tracks. TACK You SPIT on me?? ... Well now you've just gotten nasty. He punches her in the face again and again and again, her head bouncing back like silly putty. She screeches and feigns death. WORM'S EYE VIEW ANGLE - JANE ON FLOOR, TACK ABOVE She is utterly still. Silence. Tack takes a step forward, wary. Pause. WHAMMO! Jane flips her legs up and knocks Tack over with a gymnast's whip-kick! She pushes herself up with her hands, flips three times in mid-air, lands on her back and bounces like rubber. Tack gets up. She throws a flurry of punches, knocking Tack back and beating the utter living shinola out of him. SPORTING GOODS SECTION The demonic Jane is still knocking Tack back, straight into the sporting goods section. We move past the cash register, and onto a small photo and notice posted on a little standup sign next to it. ANGLE ON PHOTO AND NOTICE Jane stops. The photo is of her, one month ago. It reads "Salesperson of the Month" with a hastily-added paste-on reading "JANE TYLER" in a small font. ANGLE ON JANE'S FACE She picks her head up with both hands and lifts it up to stare weakly at the photo. POSSESSED JANE What's happened to me? The clouds are removed from her eyes and she returns to her normal self. ANGLE ON JANE AND TACK She cries and begins to bleed profusely out of her eyelids and neck. JANE [crying] Oh, TACK. She hugs him tightly. He looks very confused. Then he thinks, and reaches for her backside. ANGLE ON JANE'S BACK POCKET He grabs the can of mace from her pocket. ANGLE ON JANE HUGGING TACK She is crying, eyes shut, and bleeding all over him. JANE We're dead, aren't we Tack? Where do we go now? What're we gonna do? Tack is fumbling with the mace, still caught in a tight hug. He smiles and walks back a step. Jane opens her eyes. He spritzes them with mace. ANGLE ON JANE She SCREECHES and rises three feet up into the air, turning fully demonic, oozing blood, her neck twisting into a tight granny knot. POSSESSED JANE I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE! She LUNGES forward and grabs Tack's head TIGHT, lifting him up off the ground in a very painful way. He grimaces, and starts to tickle her with his good hand. She laughs and drop Tack. He hits the ground and does a barrel roll, running behind a rickety store shelf. The Jane-Thing looks for Tack, doesn't see him. POSSESSED JANE Come on out Tack ... It'll all be fine in the morning, when you've taken your place as one of us. Tack cowers and hides, then places his shoulders squarely against the shelf, which teeters a bit. He tests it, wondering whether he can make it tip over. POSSESSED JANE You're already dead, Tack. So am I. Nothing can hurt us now. At this point the SHELF TIPS OVER onto the screaming JANE, who is crushed instantly. ANGLE ON TACK He stands up, triumphant. TACK Some things still hurt. The trick is to avoid them. DOWNWARD ANGLE ON TOPPLED SHELF Seeping out from under it is a smoky pile of goo. Which happens to still have a head and legs. It moves, slides itself out with great difficulty from underneath the shelf, and starts to sit up. ANGLE ON TACK Shocked. ANGLE ON JANE'S REMAINS Bits of her hands appear, shorter and stubbier now, awash in bloody muck. They grab her body cavity and pull it together, pushing her entire body inward to kind of fill in the spaces her flattening tore apart. She stands in a wobbly way. She is now paper-thin, and her head still barely stands upright. Her knees are shaking. POSSESSED JANE You bastard, Tack. I was trying to be your friend. Tack is dumbstruck, frightened. The thing walks towards him. POSSESSED JANE We could have been great together, Tack. We still could be. It smiles a toothy grin, and its teeth ooze with thick blood. She is crawling with worms and maggots. POSSESSED JANE Come on Tack. Dance with me? Tack screams. Jane smiles and grabs him. Light music plays, and she begins to dance with him. He struggles, but she overpowers him, and just keeps on dancing. We realize the music playing is Billy Joel, "Piano Man." TACK AND POSSESSED JANE, SLOW-DANCING As if there's no one else in the world. She puts her head on his shoulder, and takes a bite out of it. He screams and screams and screams. TACK AND POSSESSED JANE, SPORTING GOODS The music eventually stops, and Jane just begins laughing and pushing Tack in a joking, happy way, even as she oozes blood and goo from every pore. She does a little waltz of her own and kicks him repeatedly. He is yelling and screaming and hollering. Finally she GRABS him forcefully, and rips his entire body in two. FADE OUT FADE IN ON: THE HALL OF MIRRORS Complete nothingness. We begin on Tack's terrified eyes. Everything is very muted and grey. We zoom out to show Tack in a sort of limbo, floating in space, a sort of hall of mirrors, a funhouse world with floors of glass, a bizarre place. He looks at his body, and realizes it's intact, with shock. Then he sees a thousand distorted reflections of himself. TACK Hey, uh ... His voice echoes bizarrely. Where am I? What the heck kind of place is this? Tack is swallowed up in darkness, like a flood of unholy water. He gasps, but it passes. VOICE I have brought you here from a land without dimension. Without my intervention, you would have been trapped forever in nothingness. TACK What's that supposed to mean? That doesn't mean anything! Where am I? Am I dead, or not? Thirty Tacks appear in the mirrors, distorted and evil. VOICE OF EVIL TACK I can't answer that. TACK Why not? VOICE OF EVIL TACK I don't know the answer myself. You did die, Tack, some time ago. But you're back, somehow. Frankly I'm stumped. Tack, bored, taps lightly with his foot on the glass floor beneath him, and it suddenly drops out entirely. He is standing on nothing, just empty space and stars. He screams and falls. FALLING THROUGH SPACE Ten LIVING SKELETONS follow with him, speaking in unison, intelligently. VOICE OF EVIL TACK Some time ago, the forces of darkness selected you and your companions for a little ... test. They wanted to see how an average person would react when confronted with evil. TACK [angry] So did I pass the test? VOICE OF EVIL TACK Oh yes, certainly. They were able to take your mind over even more completely than they'd thought. They snapped you and your girlfriend like twigs in their hands. And now they'll crack the entire human race, if they can. As to why they erased your memory and brought you back to life, well, I suppose it's a bit like a cat playing with a mouse before it kills it ... or in your case, after. If you die now they'll probably just bring you back to life and kill you again and AGAIN and AGAIN ... Tack is horrified at this. The Voice just chuckles to itself. VOICE OF EVIL TACK Rather childish, if you ask me. Tack falls back into the hall of mirrors, into a pool of blood, hitting the ground hard. THE HALL OF MIRRORS Tack stands up quickly, defiant. TACK You disembodied bastard! Step into the light and fight like a man! He sees a glint in the darkness which turns into the form of a human. He smashes one of the mirrors. Nothing happens. VOICE OF EVIL TACK Tack, please. Stop taking everything so personally. All the Tacks in the hall of mirrors suddenly meld into one image -- an older, possessed, haunted version of himself. Its eyes are cold, wide and racked with doubt and fear. TACK You're me! EVIL TACK There you are, taking things personally again. TACK Who are you? What are you? EVIL TACK Think before you speak. I am a version of yourself, but twisted and evil. TACK Oh. Then I think I'm going to have to fight with you. EVIL TACK No, that's not necess -- ahhhh! Tack punches him. EVIL TACK Look, please, I'm firmly opposed to violence. Tack punches him again. EVIL TACK I'm very fragile, I don't know if I can ... YEEEEAAAARGGGH!! Tack pulls on the Evil Tack's right arm and it rips off easily. TACK Oh, geez. GEEZ! That's really gross. EVIL TACK And now I'm bleeding. Great. The empty arm socket is gushing blood. TACK Well, as long as you're missing one arm ... EVIL TACK Please, NO! Tack rips the Evil Tack's other arm off, and then tugs at its leg. EVIL TACK Please, please! I'm trying to help you! Compared to that evil, I'm your friend! TACK A friend, huh? Well, I'm not falling for that one twice. He rips both the Evil Tack's legs off with one yank. There is a flash of electricity. The Evil Tack disappears. CLOSE-UP ON TACK, BLOODY AND PALE He is upright for a second, and then falls over dead. REVERSE ANGLE We see a second, less bloody Tack standing over his own dead body. TACK Who the hell? ANGLE ON DEAD TACK VOICE OF EVIL TACK You shouldn't have done that, Tack. It only makes them angrier. A EVIL JANE appears, in a prom dress, grinning, holding her own head in her hand. EVIL JANE [singing] Sing me a song, you're the piano man, sing me a song tonight ... hehhehhehheh. Tack jumps at her, but she disappears and he lands flat on his face. Giggling is heard. ANGLE ON MIRROR The EVIL TACK appears in it. EVIL TACK Tack, you idiot. I was trying to help you, so we wouldn't have to go through all this again, but now it's too damned late. TACK You bastard! Who the hell are you and what are you trying to do here, besides piss me off? EVIL TACK I am your ghost, Tack. I died a while ago and went to hell, and now I'm trying to stop what killed me from killing anyone else. TACK Yeah, right. EVIL TACK We're in a world of ghosts now, Tack. The Greymalkin Manifesto has ended too many lives. They haunt me now, every minute of every day. ANGLE ON TACK, DUMBSTRUCK. Tack's face goes limp. He's just seen something terrible. His eyes grow wide. We pull back and downward to see his own dead body on the ground as before, but now surrounding it is an entire pile of hundreds of bodies, including Burt and Jane. We pull back impossibly far. EVIL TACK If you are weak tonight they'll haunt you too, forever. CLOSE ANGLES, RAPID CUTS, THE FACES OF THE DEAD The final two faces are Debbie and Tack. VOICE OF EVIL TACK You may wake up now. FADE OUT FADE IN: INT - LITTLE J - NIGHT BIG CLOSE-UP ON TACK'S SLEEPING FACE Tack is asleep in the floor, muttering. We see two hands holding his head softly, Debbie's hands. His face keeps scrunching up in pain like he's having a bad dream. ANGLE ON DEBBIE She has a slight black eye. DEBBIE Tack! Tack, wake up! ANGLE ON TACK & DEBBIE Tack blinks his eyes and is awake. TACK Debbie! Oh Debbie, I'm so happy you're not dead. I just had the most terrible nightmare. DEBBIE Well, it's all over now Tack. TACK [relieved] Thank god. DEBBIE Except for the demonic presence outside that keeps trying to break the doors in. TACK I'm gonna go back to sleep. I think there's something wrong with me. I gotta get my head clear, start thinking straight again .. DEBBIE No! You've got to get up and go fight that thing, 'cuz you're the only one who seems to know what they're doing around here. TACK No, I can't, I need some rest ... DEBBIE TACK! I am NOT going to die tonight! Not for you, not for anybody. Be a man, for fuck's sake! Tack and Debbie stand up slowly and simultaneously. TACK I don't particularly like the tone of voice you're using, sweetheart. DEBBIE Yeah? Well you know what I don't like? I don't like having a depressive HACK of an actor for a boyfriend! TACK [quiet, hellish rage] ... What did you just call me? DEBBIE A HACK. You're a terrible actor, Tack. Your elocution stinks, and you've got the emotive capacity of a dead racoon. You're AWFUL, Tack. YOU SUCK. He punches her, hard. She's knocked to the ground. ANGLE ON DEBBIE Coughing, and getting up, very pissed. ANGLE ON TACK & DEBBIE She stands, smiles, and then punches the crap out of him. He's knocked back, and slaps her. Then she pokes his eyes. He knees her in the gut, and their heads accidentally knock together, making a pleasing coconut-like noise. She gives him a fast triple-slap. They both rear back in anger, and then lunge at each other. CLOSE-UP, TACK & DEBBIE They embrace in a passionate and long kiss. He squeezes her arm, and she pulls back. DEBBIE [suddenly] Ow! TACK What's wrong? DEBBIE Oh, nothing. I just bruised my arm when I was fighting with Emily. TACK Oh yeah, that. Who won? DEBBIE Me, of course. OW! She grabs her arm in pain. CLOSE-UP, DEBBIE'S RIGHT ARM It is shaking and throbbing. A shadow falls across it. We hear giggling. TACK No. DEBBIE Tack, what's going on? Her voice distorts and echoes. Her face turns dark and her eyes white, just for a moment. TACK YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER! Giggling. Shadows are glimpsed running behind Debbie. Her entire body begins to shake. DEBBIE I feel ... strange ... all of a sudden ... Her eyes flash with fire, and she hisses from a mouth full of fangs, and then falls over. TACK DEBBIE! He catches her. The ground is fading in and out below them, and flames are shooting out of it. Tack starts to lose his balance. There is giggling in the air all around them, and the low-pitched rumbling of more demonic howls. It seems as if they are on the verge of falling into hell itself. ANGLE ON GROUND A bucket's worth of water suddenly splashes over the maw of hell, and it disappears in a puff of sizzling smoke as the floor returns to normal, though a bit burnt. ANGLE ON TEDDY He is holding an empty bucket. TEDDY Hey, what's going on? You two starting fires over here? DEBBIE Teddy! TACK Teddy, we need your help. Something's going very wrong here. I think it may have infected Debbie. DEBBIE No, I'm fine, I'll just be ... ow! She grabs her arm. It is charred and blackened. DEBBIE Hey, was my arm on fire before? TACK You're gonna have to trust me, Debbie. Teddy, I think we're going to have to ... TEDDY What, perform an exorcism? TACK Yeah, good idea. DEBBIE Hell, no! ANGLE ON TACK & DEBBIE TACK DEBBIE! DON'T BE DIFFICULT! There is something inside of you right now. It won't be long before they take over your soul. She looks at her arm, shocked, and rolls up her sleeve. Her skin is bubbling and crawling all over her body, of its own power. TACK Debbie, trust me. DEBBIE Well, trust IS the cornerstone of any relationship, but ... TACK Yeah, what you said. Teddy, let's go. We'll get you some exorcism books. TEDDY Do you have any pig's blood? TACK We can get it in the meats aisle, I think. DEBBIE Why pig's blood? TEDDY Why not? MEATS AISLE Teddy grabs a few trays of meat, and shrugs. BOOKS AISLE Tack grabs a copy of the paperback Manifesto Greymalkin and hands it to Teddy. There is smoke, strange light, and signs of evil all around them. Something, somewhere, is howling. ANGLE ON DEBBIE Sitting on a folding chair, rubbing her bad arm with her good hand. There are tears in her eyes. Tack walks into shot behind her. TACK Don't worry. I know what to do. TEDDY Well, I don't. What is this thing? TACK The most evil book ever written. TEDDY Who says that? DEBBIE Newsweek. TACK Here, take these too. He grabs a bunch of books about Exorcism and tosses them at Teddy. TEDDY I don't know anything about this stuff! TACK You know more than I do, Teddy. You wrote your senior thesis on demonic possession. TEDDY Yeah, you made fun of me for that. You always made fun of me. Debbie growls. Her head begins to bob about in slow circles. TACK Well, that doesn't matter now. We have to save Debbie. TEDDY Debbie, Debbie. Debbie the cheerleader. Debbie the most attractive girl in school. Debbie who wouldn't go out with me if I was the last man on earth. That's what she said, you know. Then she went out with you. TACK Teddy, shut up. TEDDY No, I'm sick of this shit. I was always doing favors for you. Teddy, do my biology homework. Teddy, go wash my car. Teddy, exorcise my girlfriend. As if I care anymore. Debbie has now stood up and is standing next to Teddy. DEBBIE Give me that. She takes the Greymalkin book and flips through it. TEDDY What are you doing? DEBBIE If you're not going to exorcise me, I'll just have to exorcise myself. TEDDY You can't do that! DEBBIE Of course I can. TEDDY No you can't! You can't exorcise yourself! She turns possessed and evil for a moment. POSSESSED DEBBIE YES I CAN! TEDDY Okay, I'm backing away now ... He backs away. DEBBIE What's wrong with this book? It's all about summoning evil ... evil, evil evil. TACK That's what it's for. DEBBIE But I don't want any more evil in me! How about good things, like flowers and puppies? Can we summon those? TACK I hate flowers and puppies. TEDDY Check the index. DEBBIE Puppies, puppies ... See "Death Dogs." Well, we don't want that. How about "Good?" A section for "Good?" Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil ... TEDDY Let me see that! Teddy grabs the book and reads it. TEDDY "... Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Good: see footnote in evil appendix B." He flips to the end of the book. TEDDY It's three sentences long! Geez. Okay, "To summon good, simply think of good things inside of you. Then buckle up and pray for a quick and easy death, as good almost never comes. If you are reading this now, chances are you're already doomed." TACK That's just like what my father used to say. TEDDY We have to think positive thoughts. Positive thoughts, everyone! DEBBIE [flatly] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. TEDDY That doesn't sound very sincere. Debbie suddenly turns possessed again, briefly. POSSESSED DEBBIE HEY, LAY OFF! I'VE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT! TACK Yeah, lay off her case. Teddy shakes his head. TEDDY This is the worst exorcism ever. TACK Quit whining and do your job. ANGLE ON LINDA Teddy approaches her cautiously. TEDDY Debbie, are you in there somewhere? DEBBIE Yeah Ted, I'm right here. TEDDY Right, right. Well, could I speak to whoever else is inside you? DEBBIE Why? TEDDY Because I'm supposed to exorcise them right now, you know, drive them out. DEBBIE But I thought that if you were talking to the real person and not the demon, that was a good sign. TEDDY Well, normally, yes, but, well maybe your demon is shy. Maybe it needs some encouragement from you to be the best and most defeatable demon it can be. DEBBIE What are you talking about, Teddy? TEDDY Let me speak to the evil inside you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! DEBBIE Yeah, whatever. She shakes her head and seems to retreat away inside herself. Her eyes grow white and she becomes hideous. POSSESSED DEBBIE WHO DARES SUMMON THE ANGRY UNDEAD? TEDDY Um, Teddy Jackson, I'm a cashier. I don't do this exorcism thing normally. POSSESSED DEBBIE EX ... OR ... CISM? It laughs. Teddy laughs with it, nervously. It then screams and flies straight toward Teddy. He screams. It grips his neck and chokes him. Teddy is unable to breathe and starts to turn blue. He gasps for air. TACK Teddy! Are you all right? He can say nothing ... he gasps ... his eyes roll back into his skull ... the lack of oxygen is causing brain damage to set in. TACK Hey, Debbie. Debbie looks at Tack, but continues to choke Teddy. TACK Debbie, stop that. Come on now. A pause. She lets Teddy go. He falls unconscious to the ground. TACK See, that's better, isn't it? She screeches and flies at Ash, biting his shoulder hard and drawing blood. He screams, then kicks her in the stomach [not easy to do from his position] and flips her over. He then stands on top of her. She screeches. TACK No one takes a bite out of me and gets away with it. Not even you, Debbie. She grins and licks the blood off her lips, lunging her head forward, clacking her teeth for another bite, but Tack is keeping her down. ANGLE ON TEDDY He shakes his head, with a massive headache, in splitting pain, but still manages to stand upright. He picks up the meat trays, stumbles over to Tack and notes Tack's bleeding shoulder. He seems in a trance. Tack is confused. Avoiding Debbie's teeth, he uses the side of one of the trays to scrape some blood and scraps of flesh off of Tack's shoulder and onto Debbie's face and upper body. TACK Teddy? What are you doing, Teddy? TEDDY She has a taste for blood now. They watch as Debbie smacks her lips, cranes her neck and bites down on her own shoulder, gnawing bits of flesh off it, biting very hard, spitting out what gets in her teeth. TACK She's eating herself. TEDDY She's losing her mind, is what she's doing. He rips open all the trays of meat and blood and meat splatter all over Debbie, who now howls and bites herself all over, so hard that she screams in pain as she does it, and continues to scream, and howl in unearthly demonic ways. She sniffs the air around her and is overcome by the small of blood. She is drooling. She shakes and struggles and seems to have a seizure, unsure whether to go with the pain and eat herself whole or just go insane right there. TEDDY It wants to eat Debbie, but it can't hurt itself like that. It will seek a new host body now. TACK You mean us? TEDDY Stand back. Teddy runs and ducks behind a shelf. Tack follows suit. Debbie screeches as the evil presence visibly leaves her, only a hideous shadow lingering in the air. ANGLE ON DEBBIE'S MOUTH A rat crawls across it. ANGLE ON THE SHADOW It is sucked back downward ... ANGLE ON THE RAT The shadow enters it. The rat is now possessed. ANGLE ON TEDDY AND TACK Peering out from behind a shelf, shocked. ANGLE ON FLOOR A possessed rat scurries insanely across it in circles, then goes back to eat Debbie. ANGLE ON DEBBIE She is normal now. She screams. Tack's hand now comes into view. It grabs the rat and crushes its little neck. ANGLE ON TACK He drops the limp rat to the ground and steps on it. TACK That'll teach ya. Nobody invades my girlfriend's body but me. DISSOLVE TO: TRACKING SHOT - WALKING THROUGH LITTLE J AISLES Tack is reading the book. Teddy and Debbie are dazed. TEDDY What in the name of H.P. Lovecraft was THAT? TACK It's called success, Teddy. Learn to live with it. TEDDY That book scares me, man. It's just real freakin' scary, like, like the kinda thing you don't even want to touch, like. TACK It's a book of evil. But we can use it for our own purposes. DEBBIE Is there a spell to destroy all evil in there, Tack? TACK Not in the paperback version. Says here they had to take it out for legal reasons, as their publisher actually WAS the Ultimate Evil and he didn't like that part much. DEBBIE The ultimate evil? TACK [reading] "Copyright 1381 through 1981, Ultimate Evil Press." They realize they are now at the aisle where Eric has been sitting all this time. Emily is there taking care of him. EMILY There you are. We thought we'd lost you. ERIC And by you we mean Teddy. Non-employees don't get special perks. TACK Hey stumpy, I've been out there saving your middle-aged ass. A little gratitude might not be out of the question, huh? ERIC Stumpy. That was a low blow. TEDDY Is it safe yet? EMILY I don't know. The doors are still locked. We might have to wait here until morning. TEDDY We'll make it, Emily. We'll stick together. TACK Shut up, Teddy, please. DEBBIE Has anyone got a gun? ERIC I do. A souvenir from the war of '95. He reaches into a holster on his hip and produces a revolver. DEBBIE What war was that? ERIC The war of the corporate takeover. We were going to get bought out by Stop & Shop. But a little firepower showed those goons who was boss. TACK Since I don't work here anymore, Eric, I'm not ashamed to admit you're scaring me right now. ERIC Take the gun. TACK No, that's okay. ERIC Come on, just take the gun, you'll need it. TACK I'll be all right, really. He points the gun at Tack's face. ERIC I SAID TAKE THE GUN. TACK [sweating] Okay, okay. TRACKING SHOT - WALKING THROUGH LITTLE J AISLES Tack is looking at the gun, a bit wary of it. He is armed with lots of extra bullets. Teddy is reading the Manifesto. THE BOOKS AISLE A burst of strange light. Every book on the rack suddenly flies off, and the standing, immensely heavy bookcase falls over too, smashing to bits on the ground. A hole opens in the ground beneath, sucking the bookcase and most of the floor down beneath like water down a drain. A living smoke funnels from out of it. Tack, Teddy and Debbie pass this and stop. TEDDY Hey, that's weird. TACK What's weird? TEDDY [reading book] The address for Ultimate Evil Press, well, it's the same as the address for Little J! TACK Which Little J? TEDDY THIS Little J! TACK That is weird. The stretched-out, haggard figures of ancient ghosts swirl out of the realm of nothingness and fly in a vast circle at great speed, moaning in their undead pain. [See "Night on Bald Mountain," from the movie "Fantasia."] TEDDY Hey, shut up, I'm trying to read here! DEBBIE Teddy! Have some respect for the dead, won't you? Tack, go and shoot them in the head. TACK 'Kay. The LOST SOULS [for that is what the ghosts are] suddenly assume a pale, white, transparent physical form. They are ancient in appearance, haunted and aged. They assume a peaceful stance. Their leader raises his palm in greeting. Tack cocks his revolver. FIRST SOUL We mean you no harm! We come in pea --- AAAGHH!! Ash fires. The soul's head blows apart. TACK Suck lead. Three more unlucky souls are shot in the chest. They drop limply and dissolve. SECOND SOUL No, please! We were sent by your other self! We wish to speak with you about a terror that confronts us all! TACK Sorry, but I live by the rules of barroom dating -- never talk to anything ugly or dead. He shoots another Soul. THIRD SOUL But we possess the lost pages of the Manifesto Greymalkin! The pages that may destroy the evil one forever! Tack says nothing. He cocks the gun. THIRD SOUL I said, we possess ... TACK I heard you, I heard you! Keep talking! He shoots one more Soul, somewhere off in the distance. THIRD SOUL Um ... TACK Stupid dead people. They think they're so great, just because they're dead. He reloads and turns around to yell at the third soul. TACK Well, you're NOT, all right? THIRD SOUL All right, we are not. TACK Don't forget that. He spits out a bit of blood. THIRD SOUL Now wilt thou listen to our urgent plea for help? TACK Yeah, yeah, I'm listening. THIRD SOUL You are exactly as your other self warned us you would be. TACK Y'happy 'bout that? THIRD SOUL Perhaps, yes. A FEW FEET AWAY FROM THE BOOKS AISLE Teddy and Debbie are waiting for Tack to return, gun in hand. Tack returns, gun in hand. DEBBIE Well? Did you kill those goddamn ghosts, or did you wimp out and try to reason with them? TACK A little of both. Come and meet 'em. DEBBIE "Meet them?" The ones who possessed me and tried to bite my tits off? TACK No, that's not them. These are some other assholes. DEBBIE All right then. Tack and Debbie walk off. TEDDY So, I'll just stay here then, eh? Silence. TEDDY Right. THE BOOKS AISLE Tack and Debbie walk to the gaping hole where the Lost Souls were before, and they aren't there. DEBBIE Well? Where are they? Where did they go? Tack listens and hears a piglike "snarfing" sound and a rustle of plastic wrapping to his right. He follows the sound, and Debbie follows him. THE SNACK FOODS AISLE The Lost Souls have discovered snack food, and are making pigs of themselves. FOURTH SOUL What a feast this is! TACK Hey, hey just HEY right there now you undead bastards, what in the name of happy hell do you think you're doing? Those snack cakes are property of Little J Superstores! FOURTH SOUL Hey, lay off mate. Some of us haven't eaten in six hundred years. FIRST SOUL So, you have brought your queen with you. Debbie smiles at this. FIRST SOUL Will you lead us in battle against the evil one? TACK What? No! Fight your own damn battle. FIFTH SOUL But your other self said that you would save us! TACK Well, he says a lot of things. Piss off. Get some other loser to do your dirty work. FIRST SOUL A ... loser? SECOND SOUL Look at how humble he is! THIRD SOUL He is truly the one to lead our blessed fight. The Souls begin to chatter excitedly amongst themselves.. TACK HEY! Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. You're making a mistake. I can't do anything for ya. I'm just some guy. Those things are coming, and pretty soon we'll all be dead again. You undead assholes are all screwed, y'hear? A terrible silence falls upon the Lost Souls. Their heads gaze downward, and they seem to have lost all hope. They start to fade away. TACK Hey wait, wait. Don't be that way. I just meant that you shouldn't expect to survive against the ... They have faded away to nothing. Tack, a bit sad and confused, scratches his neck. Debbie scratches her chin for the same reason. TACK Aw geez. Now look at what I've done. Silence. Debbie looks down and sees something. DEBBIE Look! They left something behind! ANGLE ON FLOOR Some ancient pieces of human flesh paper are there, resembling the pages of the original hardcover Manifesto Greymalkin. TACK It's the lost pages of the Manifesto Greymalkin! Debbie pushes past Tack and picks them up. Pan up to her. DEBBIE This is how we can beat those evil things, isn't it? ANGLE ON TACK He thinks long and hard for almost five seconds. TACK All right. I'll go and fight your stupid battle. ANGLE ON TACK, DEBBIE, & HOLE The Lost Souls instantly reappear, jubilant. TACK Not for any cockeyed idea of valor or bravery, mind you, but for Debbie, and me. They cheer. SOULS He will save us! TACK Sure, why not. Now shut up and eat your twinkies. TRAINING IN THE AISLES OF LITTLE J: MONTAGE Stirring music. Battle training montage. Tack is teaching the Lost Souls how to fight. Teddy watches from a distance, eating snack cakes. Debbie takes them into the Men's Clothing section and shows them handsome modern togs to wear, most of them blue shirts with dark brown pants, like Tack's, but never mind. Eric, held aloft in a chair by Emily, makes a speech we don't hear [beneath the stirring music, remember], and rallies the remaining [and very depressed] night crew staff of Little J Superstores into battle. They join the army. Tack has them exercising, and Teddy gets more and more interested in the proceedings. Debbie and Tack give them a full tour of the sporting goods department, and they pick out weapons, mostly Nerf stuff, harmless foam. Eric dissuades them from this, and takes them to the gun aisle. Teddy grabs ten baseball bats, then shows the troops how to use this tool as a club, using a standup of Captain Kirk found in the gifts department to demonstrate. Tack teaches them how to shoot their guns, how to punch each other, and how to beat things up good. Finally, they are ready. NEAR THE HOUSEWARES AISLE Tack is resting on a pile of soft beanbag chairs, obviously worn-out from all this exercise. The Evil Tack dissolves in from behind him. He is wearing a red smoking jacket, very nicely tailored. EVIL TACK Hello. TACK [not opening eyes] Who is it? Leammee alone. I'm taking a quick break. EVIL TACK I think you'll want to be speaking to me, unless you don't like talking to yourself. Tack wakes up, eyes opening wide. He turns around. TACK I thought you were just a dream. A nightmare. EVIL TACK Maybe I am. Maybe you're crazy, and I'm a figment of your imagination. Maybe I'm crazy, and you're a figment of mine. TACK Maybe we're both crazy. EVIL TACK I'll drink to that. A wineglass suddenly dissolves in and appears in his hand, and a bottle of wine in the other. He pours the wine delicately. TACK So you're just an evil version of me, is that it? EVIL TACK Oh, I'm sick and tired of having to be evil all the time. Can't I just be emotionally conflicted, or callous, or something a bit lighter like that? He sips the wine. EVIL TACK When you're labeled as "evil" all the time, it just starts to seem silly, because it's all black and white, good and evil; there's no room for any complexity in the role. It gets boring. He guzzles the wine down, the entire glass. TACK You think you're playing a role? EVIL TACK Well, I'm just a ghost, I'm not evil by nature. In fact, I doubt I'd even look like you, if someone hadn't told me to go and be an evil version of some guy named Rawfield. He drinks directly out of the wine bottle now. EVIL TACK I mean, did Shakespeare ever give us just a purely good or purely evil character, with no character development whatsoever? Maybe he planned to, once or twice, but you've always got to leave room for interpretation. TACK Shakespeare? Don't get on me about Shakespeare. What Shakespeare needed was a woman and a beer. Folks should stop writing poetry and just get on with what they're doing. EVIL TACK It's amazing that we should be so different. I've grown quite fond of the plays. I played Macbeth, you know. TACK Yeah, I remember. EVIL TACK And I had a chance to see many such plays performed, whilst in the torment of hell. TACK There's Shakespeare in hell? EVIL TACK Yes, and horror movies, if you can remember them well enough. TACK You're confusing me. EVIL TACK That's what I'm here for. The Evil Tack reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pile of twenty sheets of xerox paper, new-looking, folded and crumpled as if it's been worked with by someone with a messy mind. EVIL TACK Here. Take this. Tack takes it. TACK What is it? EVIL TACK Just a few plans I came up with. The science behind it is a bit complex, but I phrased it in plain english so you should be able to get through it all right. TACK But what IS it? EVIL TACK A kind of ice bomb. A sub-zero freezing thing. It might help you live through the first wave of attack. TACK Attack? Who's attacking? When is that happening? The Evil Tack shrugs. EVIL TACK One other thing we did when we played Macbeth ... we slept with that girl, Samantha Romero. Remember her? Played Lady Macbeth? Great actress, great body, great sex. Pity she died along with Debbie and you. You should really tell Debbie about what we did sometime ... it's not good for the conscience, you know? He fades away. TACK I really hate that guy. THE HOUSEWARES AISLE SLOW PAN over the aisle. Two Lost Souls and Teddy are standing guard. Teddy yawns. We see that Debbie, a bunch of Little J Superstores clerks and the rest of the Lost Souls are resting on beanbag chairs, inflatable pillows, catbeds, huge plush fish, etc. They are not asleep, not most of them anyway, just resting. Tack comes in shouting. TACK Naptime's over! Come on, let's get up and get moving! I think someone or something is about to attack. MENSWEAR GUY Oh, damn. Just when my nap was getting interesting. They get up, grumbling. Tack elbows the First Soul to get his attention. TACK You. Old guy. Take a look at these. He pushes the crumpled plans the Evil Tack drew up into the First Soul's face. TACK You know what any of that bullshit means? The First Soul takes the papers into his hands and looks over them. FIRST SOUL Well, the idea's a bit farfetched, but the directions seem simple enough. TACK Right. Get to work on it. FIRST SOUL But where would I find all these ingredients? TACK It's Little J Superstores, numbskull. We've got everything. Talk to Teddy. He'll show you where that junk is. TEDDY I will? The First Soul gives the plans to Teddy, who reads them. Tack looks over the troops. TACK You jerks, get your bats ready. You assholes, grab your guns and make sure they're pointing the right way. Debbie ... just before we both died, I think I may have cheated on you. DEBBIE It was Charlene from intimate apparel, wasn't it? TACK No. DEBBIE I knew it! She bounces around showing off those skimpy outfits, thinking she can just have any man she wants ... TACK It was NOT Charlene from intimate apparel. DEBBIE Angie from customer service? TACK No. DEBBIE Crystal from hardware, weekends? TACK No. DEBBIE It wasn't that purple-haired girl with the nose ring, was it? I hate her. TACK It was Samantha Romero. From the play. DEBBIE Oh yeah, her. Silence. Debbie, seemingly unaffected, shrugs and walks away. More silence. The troops look at Tack, shaking their heads. Teddy pats Tack's back in a consoling way, and Tack, annoyed, gives him the look of death. TEDDY Hey man, if you love it set her free. That's what's probably happened to my date tonight. TACK Teddy, you're an idiot. TEDDY Yeah, but the chicks love me. What a funny world. The First Soul approaches Teddy. FIRST SOUL Come along young sir, we must to work. TEDDY Heigh-ho, heigh-ho. Hi, how's it going? They leave to look for their supplies. The troops are still just kind of standing around, and the Lost Souls in particular are uncomfortably close to Tack. TACK Don't you have something better to do? They don't say anything. TACK Tell me if the legions of hell happen to come calling. He walks off. CAMERA MOVES DOWN, TO FLOOR LEVEL AND LOWER DISSOLVE TO: SOMEWHERE BENEATH, A DARK PLACE IN HELL CAMERA STILL MOVING DOWN We see fire and brimstone, and a very evil printing press. A ghostly crew is churning out paperback evil at top speed. TASKMASTER Gentlemen! Tonight will be our night of glory! Tonight the humans will die! The army cheers - we see them from behind as they hoist up their swords. TASKMASTER Tonight we conquer the Little J Superstores, and move our operation above-ground! Tomorrow, the paperback Manifesto Greymalkin will move out to be sold at every major chain of bookstores in the world! More cheers. TASKMASTER And when that book of evil climbs to the top of the best-seller list, the human race will be no more! Loud cheers drown out all other noise. GHOSTLY SOLDIER On to the New York Times list! ANOTHER GHOSTLY SOLDIER On to Oprah's Book Club! GHOSTLY SOLDIERS HUZZAH! DISSOLVE TO: FRONT OF LITTLE J, AT THE EXIT DOORS We see Debbie from behind, her back all tensed-up, trying to hide anger, and hide from Tack. Tack approaches in the foreground. TACK Debbie? DEBBIE Go away. THE HEALTH AND HOME MEDICATION AISLE Teddy is gathering materials -- cough syrup, pain medication, lots of ice packs, anything cold, into a shopping cart. Emily approaches in the background. TEDDY Doors are still locked, by the way. EMILY Teddy, I'm scared. TEDDY It's okay, Emily. I'm here. EMILY Yeah. You're here. Teddy smiles slyly, but hides it. TEDDY Don't worry, it's all under control. There's going to be a fight, a big battle. Yup, and I'm basically in charge of it. EMILY Who's that old guy? Pan over to show the First Soul. He smiles. FRONT OF LITTLE J, AT THE EXIT DOORS TACK You're LEAVING me? DEBBIE No Tack, I'm not leaving you, not yet. I'm just leaving. TACK You're not thinking of going out there, outside the store, are you? OUTSIDE THE LITTLE J, WOODS, NIGHT Shadows, flashes of red light and smoke. We hear horrific growling and breathing, like an outboard motor with lungs and fangs. Something is moving at terrific speed all around the Little J Superstores. It stops when it sees Debbie. FRONT OF LITTLE J, AT THE EXIT DOORS DEBBIE No, I'm not thinking of going out there. I'm actually going. Goodbye. She kicks the automatic door. It "dings" and opens very slowly, with an unearthly creaking whine that becomes louder and louder. TACK Debbie! It opens wide, and she exits. ANGLE ON TACK Wide-eyed, tense, nervous. ANGLE ON DOOR It is still open. Silence. A moment passes. Debbie walks back into view inside the doorway. DEBBIE Well, are you coming or aren't you? ANGLE ON TACK & DEBBIE TACK ... There's nothing out there? DEBBIE Nothing at all. TACK It's gotta be a trick. Get back inside. NOW. DEBBIE Tack, stop being such a big baby! Or maybe I will leave you. Tack sighs, swallows his pride, and walks outside with Debbie. EXT - FRONT OF LITTLE J - NIGHT DEBBIE Maybe I'll leave you for DEAD. She SCREECHES, and becomes possessed. Her eyes and skin turn a deathly white. She bares her real and false hands like claws, FLIES UP three feet into the air and charges at Tack! He screams and runs back into the store. INT - FRONT OF LITTLE J, AT THE EXIT DOORS The door closes behind him with a "ding." But the Debbie-Thing doesn't stop. She flies at full speed toward the door, like a pigeon toward glass. Which is bad for Tack, who is leaning against the door catching his breath. SLOW-MOTION SHOT The possessed Debbie CRASHES through the plexiglass door, shattering it like plexiglass isn't supposed to do, and grabs Tack's throat with her claws. HEALTH & HOME MEDICATION AISLE Emily and Teddy react to the sound of the crash. EMILY What was that? TEDDY I'm guessing, relationship difficulties. FRONT OF LITTLE J, AT THE EXIT DOORS The Debbie-Thing flies, bleeding green blood from her fang-y mouth. She picks up speed and drags Tack along. POSSESSED DEBBIE Give us a kiss, loverboy. She bites his ear, drawing blood. TACK You know your bra-strap's showing. She coasts for a bit, thinking about this, and then lets go of Tack with one hand to adjust it. WHAMMO! Tack knocks her ten feet back with one punch, jumping down to the ground and drawing his shotgun. The Debbie-Thing screeches, and fixes her hair. BLAM! Tack fires, blowing the middle of her scalp off. BLAM! He shoots her left foot too. She screams and tries to float, wobbling in an uneasy way. She hits the ground and black blood oozes from her foot. Finally she just sulks and walks away. TACK Someday I'm gonna marry that undead hellbeast. Emily, Teddy and the First Soul come running in from behind, as fast as they can. EMILY What was that? TACK Relationship difficulties. TEDDY Hear that? I guessed right. EMILY We're not going to be able to leave the store tonight, are we? FIRST SOUL [chuckling] My dear lady, I would think of that as the least of our problems. TACK Yeah, screw off, Emily, no one cares about you. And you. Teddy. Aren't you supposed to be working on that ice machine? TEDDY Well, we are, but ... FIRST SOUL But he thought you needed help. TACK Well, you thought wrong. I'm fine, all right? Perfectly fine. He draws his gun and points it right up Teddy's nose. TACK And if you don't get outta my sight in the next five seconds I'm gonna carve you a new nostril the size of your head. Teddy laughs nervously. TACK ONE ... TWO ... TEDDY Okay, okay, truce. Teddy holds up his hands in "surrender" and walks backwards fast and out of sight. Tack cocks the gun and points it at the First Soul. TACK That goes for you too, cemetery breath. FIRST SOUL [meekly] I take my leave with respect. The First Soul bows and back away, out of camera range. Tack sets his jaw and tucks his rifle back into the holster on his back. TACK Yeah. It's about time I got some respect around here. Emily sniffles very slightly, scared and saddened. TACK Whatsamatter with you, goldilocks? Somebody shit in your porridge? EMILY You're a very bad man. TACK Hey, I'm one of the good guys. EMILY You're still a very bad man. [pause] I think I hate you. TACK You think so, huh? EMILY Yes. I think I hate your guts. TACK What, little blondie prissypants can't take a little action in her day? Emily sniffles, and wipes her nose. EMILY You know what? I don't think there's an evil something out there at all. TACK Yeah? Then what about all the ghosts and demons, huh? EMILY I think it's you. I think you're doing it. I think you're such a bad, bad man that they just come because they wanna be near you. She turns and leaves, crying. TACK [awkwardly] YEAH? YEAH? Well, you're, you're short! Silence. TACK My god, what if she's right? THE BOOKS AISLE, AT THE GAPING HOLE War drums echo in the distance. Fire spews out of the darkness of the hole which connects the Little J Superstores and hell. Then a flash, and a dozen ghostly soldiers fly out like a demon out of hell. Or many demons out of hell. Or something. They land in a perfect line, a wave, a battle formation. They are marching in for war. HEALTH & HOME MEDICATION AISLE Emily is leaning against the aisle in a daze. She doesn't know what to think anymore. Teddy, nervous but attempting a show of confidence like a young guy asking a young girl out on a date, walks in on the right. He startles her. TEDDY Emily ... Tack is already entering from the left. TEDDY We've got to ... TACK [almost simultaneously with Teddy] Emily, we've got to talk. There is an awkward moment as Tack and Teddy realize they've said the same thing. Teddy sighs. He can't argue with Tack. TEDDY You go first. TACK Emily, I'm sorry for acting the way I did. Do. I'm sorry for the things I do. But it's just the kind of guy I am. I don't know why all these awful things keep happening. But keep in mind that I'm not gonna rest until we've blown those morons back to hell. And don't worry your pretty little head one more second on my account. Emily smiles. EMILY Fuck you. TACK Why you little ... Tack grabs Emily and starts to choke her. She knees him in the gut. He moans and falls back. She jumps into a perfect martial-arts fighting stance. Teddy gasps. She leaps into the air, and with grace and style knocks Tack's face in with three flipping kicks. Tack is dazed, but still standing. She kicks him again. He's still standing. She kicks him again, and again. His face twists into a scowl. TACK Stop DOING that! She jumps back and smiles sweetly. EMILY And Teddy? What were YOU going to say? TEDDY Oh, uh, nothing really. THROUGH THE AISLES OF LITTLE J The camera is TRACKING, moving backwards. We see a huge army of ghosts and shadows, a battalion from the other side with only blood in their minds. They are moving quickly through the aisles, waving swords, spears and axes. The remaining crew of the Little J Superstores look horrified as these spectres move through the aisles, ramming weapons into all the manufactured products they can find. They gnash and bite at several of the clerks. Lightning and smoke flash behind them, and a terrible wind kicks up the remnants of books, stuffed animals, stuffed pillows, and other things the skeletons are tearing apart. The clerks start running, out of view of the army, and in quick cuts we see them run and join Tack. CLERK WITH PRICING GUN [shouting] Ghosts! An entire legion of ghosts! FEMALE CLERK IN ORANGE VEST [shouting] Help us! We have to fight them! HEALTH & HOME MEDICATION AISLE Tack and his troops [and Eric] are there. TACK Cripes! It had to be now, didn't it? All right you idiots, get into position! Teddy, did you finish the freeze machine? TEDDY There was no time to even start it! FIRST SOUL [shouting in the distance] THE FREEZING DEVICE IS NEARLY COMPLETED! TACK You'd best watch out, Teddy. That hairy old ghost could have your job in a week. TEDDY Pfft. Let him take it. I don't want it. The troops are grabbing their weapons and forming a line of attack in the cramped and narrow aisle. Eric is trying to nudge his chair [and its little wheels] along as a wheelchair through sheer force of willpower. One of the Souls attends to him. ERIC Does everyone have a gun? If you do not have a gun, you cannot participate in the battle. Repeat ... TACK Let's show these dead bastards what a supermarket's good for! The troops raise their weapons and grunt loudly in unison. TACK For capitalism! The troops grunt. TACK For manufactured products! The troops grunt. TACK For ... oh shit, they're here. The ENTIRE GHOSTLY LEGION comes into view, and the advance scout, catching Tack off guard, clubs him in the head. TACK Hey! That hurt! Tack punches the skeleton's head off. It falls. The first wave of souls and clerks knocks the skeletons down masterfully, just like they were taught. But more come, and the fallen regenerate themselves with the power of the Manifesto Greymalkin. THROUGH THE AISLES OF LITTLE J - THE BATTLE Everything in the store can now be counted as a weapon, and the battle grows to immense and bizarre proportions, with the products of retail marketing being used to deadly effect by both parties. Tack's troops seem to be getting the worst of it. ANOTHER LOST SOUL We cannot defeat them! YET ANOTHER LOST SOUL But we must! If we cannot defeat them we are defeated ourselves! AAAGGGHH! The Soul is stabbed in the back by a ghost warrior, and falls. STILL ANOTHER LOST SOUL I will not let the world of the living fall to hell! He snaps the neck of one of hell's ghosts. Clearly it takes a ghost to fight a ghost. WILD-EYED SOUL Get some! He fires his shotgun. A hellbeast falls. WILD-EYED SOUL GET SOME! He fires again and again. WILD-EYED SOUL GET SOME, GET SOME, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! GET SOME! We pan to Tack, using the "hit-and-run" method of fighting. He hits, and runs. BABY PRODUCTS AISLE A very nervous Emily walks slowly backwards, away from the fighting and death. Halfway down the aisle, she bumps into something and turns around. What she sees is Debbie, in non-possessed form. She is wearing a beautiful Victorian dress, for some reason. EMILY Oh, hi Debbie. Debbie doesn't respond. EMILY What's new? Debbie shakes her head. EMILY I'm sorry, I said some rather mean things to your boyfriend earlier. I was just in kind of a bad mood, I guess. I didn't mean them, much. I mean, if you hate him now I hate him too, but if you don't ... Debbie opens her mouth and flames come out. Her eyes roll back. EMILY Are you all right, Debbie? You don't look so good. DEBBIE [demonic voice] THE EVIL ONE LIVES. ALL HUMANITY WILL BE CONSUMED IN HER POWER. EMILY Excuse me? DEBBIE [demonic voice] THE EVIL ONE LIVES. ALL HUMANITY WILL BE CONSUMED IN HER POWER. EMILY Oh. That's what I thought you said. The possessed Debbie's arms lift up slowly, and her fingers wiggle back and forth, insectlike. Emily walks backwards, away from Debbie. Debbie seems to float as she moves forward, closer to Emily. Emily starts to back away faster. Debbie moves faster to match her. Debbie's mouth opens wider in a gasp, an almost-silent scream. Emily turns and RUNS as fast as she can. We hear an unearthly growl as Debbie glides an inch above the ground, dripping blood from her bad foot. The foot TWISTS backward and then flips back to itself again, undamaged. Her head sways back and forth like that of a marionette puppet. POSSESSED DEBBIE [in EMILY's voice] Are you all right, Debbie? You don't look so good. You don't look so good. Emily screams. NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE Emily, still running, bumps right into Tack, startling him. He is trying to fight one of the ghostly army. EMILY TACK! HELP ME! Tack turns around and looks at the Debbie-Thing. The ghost jumps at him from behind, but Tack ducks low, grabs the ghost as it jumps, and throws it to the floor, shattering it. TACK Debbie. I'm sorry. He grabs his revolver and cocks it. TACK We have to reconsider where this relationship is going. He fires. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE The bullet goes right through her, like she isn't even there. She glides closer and closer, mumbling in a distracted, possessed way. ANGLE ON TACK Shocked. He fires again. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE The bullet doesn't affect her. She is making little movements, turning slightly as she glides forward, left and right. ANGLE ON TACK He puts his gun back into its holster. Emily clings close to him, afraid. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE Her movements are becoming more and more erratic. ANGLE ON TACK & POSSESSED DEBBIE She is now very close to Tack, within two feet of him. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S FOOT It is twisting like clay, in circles, onto itself in knots, again and again, drawing a trail of black blood on the supermarket tile as it does. ANGLE ON EMILY She gasps. EMILY Her foot! There's something wrong with her foot! ANGLE ON TACK & POSSESSED DEBBIE Her head is pointing back and upwards, face turned toward the ceiling. Her arms, pointed downward, lift upward slightly, and she does not move. Her cold, pale left hand lifts up and touches Tack's face. Tack shivers. EMILY TACK! Do something! The Debbie-Thing is perfectly still. Tack reaches down slowly and takes hold of her twisted foot. It TWISTS OFF in his hands. He jumps up, foot in hand, screaming, and Possessed Debbie grabs him, choking him. He becomes silent again. He holds out the foot, as if wanting to give it to her. She lets go of his throat and takes it. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE She puts the foot in her mouth, chews it and eats it. Emily screams. ANGLE ON TACK TACK Now that's just freakin' sick. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE Strange lights flash and explode behind her. Her entire body goes limp, like a corpse. She suddenly LIFTS up, levitated, moving as if under someone else's control. Her head is lifted up. She opens her mouth wide, and a powerful gust of wind and rain comes out. She levitates toward Emily, and knocks her down with a hurricane-like force. Wind swirls all around the Debbie-Thing, and Emily is caught up in it, spinning faster and faster around her! Emily screams ... ANGLE ON TACK TACK EMILY! ANGLE ON THE DEBBIE-THING & EMILY - WHIRLWIND Debbie speaks without moving her mouth. DEBBIE'S VOICE [singing softly] Nooo hooope, noooo liiiight, noooo escape for you tonight ... Tack draws his gun. DEMONIC DEBBIE'S VOICE Go ahead, shoot. You'll only hit your girlfriend. EMILY TACK! TACK You know Debbie, I'm getting mighty sick of all this bullshit you put me through. DEMONIC DEBBIE'S VOICE THERE IS NO MORE DEBBIE! HER SOUL IS FOOD FOR THE EVIL ONE NOW! ANGLE ON TACK He grits his teeth and sets his gun into firing position. It suddenly flies out of his hands. His jaw drops. ANGLE ON EVIDEBBIE & EMILY - WHIRLWIND The gun is sucked into the whirlwind, and flies back out and out of sight. ANGLE ON TACK TACK You took the girlfriend, and now you take the GUN too? ... You evil bastards. ANGLE ON DEBBIE-THING & EMILY - WHIRLWIND Suddenly, Debbie speaks with her own lips, and her eyes roll back into place. DEBBIE Don't listen to it Tack! I'm still here! [demonic voice] SHUT UP! [normal voice] You have to kill the evil at its source, Tack! [demonic voice] I SAID SHUT UP! ANGLE ON TACK The First Soul approaches from behind him, holding two tiny objects, glass test tubes filled with blue liquid and ice crystals that have a pin and explosive mechanism on top, like grenades. FIRST SOUL Are you busy, M'lord? TACK No, not really. What's up? FIRST SOUL I believe I have created the first test version of an ice grenade. It came from the plans you gave me. TACK Give it, give it! The First Soul fumbles with one of the glass devices, hands shaking, moving in an awkward, aged manner. TACK Hey pops, I haven't got all day! The First Soul clasps it carefully, in both trembling hands, and presents them to Tack, who snatches it up in one swipe. TACK So this is an ice grenade. FIRST SOUL Yes, but you must be careful, for it is charged with ... Tack has already pulled the pin and tossed the grenade. ANGLE ON DEBBIE-THING & EMILY The entire fabric of reality appears to SHATTER outward in an explosion of ice. The entire fabric of reality shivers, blinks, and tucks itself into a warm blanket. The Debbie-Thing is frozen in place, suspended in the air. The wind has stopped. Emily falls and hits the ground rolling, out of camera range. CLOSE-UP, POSSESSED DEBBIE'S FACE So cold it is blue. Her mouth is open, and we can see her breathe. She falls stiffly to the ground, and ice shatters all around her. She crumples up in a heap. ANGLE ON TACK & EMILY Emily is on the floor, crawling and dazed. Tack bends down to help her up. She stands in a wobbly way. Suddenly, Emily grabs Tack and kisses him, long and hard. TACK ... Thanks. I needed that. EMILY I'd do anything for you now. You've saved my life. TACK Take me out to dinner and we'll call it even. The possessed Debbie, recovers and jumps into the air, screeching, spewing black blood from her mouth and tearing at her own face. TACK Maybe we'll catch a movie instead. Possessed Debbie kicks Tack in the face. He falls down, hard. HARDWARE DEPT. - THE BATTLE CONTINUES BED & BATH CLERK This is insanity! We'll never survive this! Pan over to Eric, sitting in his chair with Teddy attending him, wielding a sword apparently stolen from one of the ghosts. ERIC Of course we'll survive! Do you want to be unemployed in the morning? TEDDY Or dead! ERIC Or dead, yes. An Electronics Supervisor dies, falling right on Eric. Eric pushes the corpse off his chair, and Teddy picks him up. NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE Debbie screams unintelligibly, signaling to the forces of everything unholy. THE BOOKS AISLE A few last battered copies of the Manifesto Greymalkin stir, thanks to her words. VOICE WHO SUMMONS THE BEING OF ULTIMATE EVIL? NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE The Possessed Debbie continues babbling in an unknown language. VOICE Oh, it's you, Debbie. The Possessed Debbie's babblings become louder. TACK Oh, dammit! You and the ultimate evil KNOW each other? THE BOOKS AISLE A copy of the Manifesto Greymalkin moves, floating, and flies at high speed. NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE The book lands in Possessed Debbie's hands. She continues to babble, now reading the book. TACK What, did you go to band camp together or something? When am I supposed to find out about these things? THE BOOKS AISLE Every copy of the Manifesto Greymalkin that's there moves, slightly at first, then they begin to float. Finally they fly off, one after the other. NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE Tack is pelted with the books. Tack turns and runs but smashes right into the baby goods shelf. He falls over and is flooded head to toe with baby toys. He gets up, and a stroller hits him in the head. He is knocked down. We can still see and hear Possessed Debbie summoning the evil. Several of the baby toys jump up like fish on a pole and start to bounce around under their own power. The books fly up in the air again, and attach themselves like leeches onto Tack. He runs, covered all over with little biting books. One attaches itself to his face, and covers his eyes! He smashes into the glass display case the store's rifles are kept in, and it shatters. The books mostly fly off him and zoom away, but as he stands up he is treated to a twenty-one gun salute. Meaning that twenty-one guns rise up into the air under their own power, pointed at Tack. He ducks as they FIRE! The march as if held by invisible soldiers, and we can see the battle between the clerks and lost souls and the ghostly army raging on behind them. Tack crawls backward as fast as he can, but they follow him and FIRE AGAIN! That time he is very nearly hit. Behind him the books rise into the air again and hit him from behind! He falls, and they bounce up and down and jump all over him. The guns keep firing, single-mindedly. ANGLE ON A BOOK It is suddenly blasted to pieces. ANGLE ON ANOTHER BOOK It is blown to bits too. Tack jumps up and lures the books toward him, ducking just as they reach him and the guns FIRE, blowing half of them to bits! He jumps up again, and down again just before BANG! Ten more books bite it. Up, down, BLAM! Up, down, BLAM! Tack runs straight toward the guns, and the remaining Manifesto Greymalkins follow him in a big heap. He DUCKS right at the guns are about to fire, and the books smack right into the entire row of them, flipping the guns forward as they fire! The last remaining Manifesto Greymalkins fall in pieces to the ground, and the guns fall with them. NEAR THE SPORTING GOODS AISLE Tack, running, accidentally bumps into Emily. TACK Oh, sorry. EMILY Are you afraid, Tack? TACK I don't have time to be afraid. They are very close together now. Emily smiles, and then looks at Tack's bloody shirt. EMILY Tack, you're bleeding! TACK I can take a little bit of pain. EMILY No, I mean you're bleeding all over ME! Ick. She pushes him away from her. EMILY That's really disgusting. NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE Possessed Debbie is chanting, softly. HARDWARE DEPT. - THE BATTLE THIRD SOUL They are too strong! FOURTH SOUL We are as good as dead, again! Suddenly a burst of bright light appears, and the entire ghostly army of hell stops and stands to attention. The troops fight for a moment, but it does no good. They turn and look behind them, and their mouths open wide in horror. The ghosts bow, and the light suddenly changes to a BLACK light, sparkling, an unending vision of ultimate darkness. Those which do not run are torn instantly to bits. Teddy, carrying Eric, is among those who run. NEAR THE REMAINS OF THE BOOKS AISLE POSSESSED DEBBIE THE EVIL ONE ... Everything behind her changes to utter blackness. The Manifesto Greymalkin crumbles in her hands. POSSESSED DEBBIE ... IS HERE! ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S WHITE EYES They turn red, and on the soundtrack is heard the LOUDEST and most deathly sound we can get away with using our equipment. ANGLE ON TACK & EMILY Staring at the utter blackness as it rises over them. TACK Oh NO ... It enshrouds everything around them. Tack and Emily look up at it with complete, unclouded fear. EVIL ONE All evil has risen. All good turns to fire. POSSESSED DEBBIE You are the chosen. It is you we desire. TACK Look baby, I'm flattered, but I'm just not in the mood right now. POSSESSED DEBBIE All will die! All will die! EVIL ONE ALL WILL DIE! ALL WILL DIE! TACK All will die! All will die! Emily and possessed Debbie look at Tack, surprised. He shrugs. TACK What can I say? It's catchy. Possessed Debbie LEAPS and GRABS Tack's throat, but he catches her as she jumps and tosses her off. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE She lands in a crumpled heap on the floor, and glares at him. She points to the right of her without looking. ZIP PAN TO: A row of discarded ghostly swords rise and float up into the air. They fly forward and charge at Tack. ANGLE ON TACK, FAST-MOVING CAMERA: He dives down into a barrel roll, and rolls at high speed as each and every sword comes down on him one by one, missing him by just a fraction of an inch. He jumps up into a standing position, and rips one of the swords out of the floor. ANGLE ON TEDDY He does a quick double-take. ANGLE ON TACK Wielding the sword. TACK Your choice, fatso. We can do this the nice way, or we can do it my way. The EVIL PRESENCE roars. TACK All right now. Let's have some fun. SPINNING CAMERA - FAST ACTION SLICE! Tack chops into the darkness. It seems to reel backwards, as if angry. DOUBLE SLICE! Tack chops deep into it, and it roars and seems to form itself into a more concrete and smaller shape. Tack spits, and then points upward with the sword. OVERHEAD ANGLE - TACK POINTING AT THE DARKNESS TACK You. The Ultimate Evil. EVIL ONE ME? TACK What, you see any other ultimate evils around here? Yeah, you, fatso. The one who stole my gun. You wanna fight with me? He puts his fists up. TACK Huh? You wanna fight like a real force of darkness? Or are you just a big sissy? Yeah, you hide behind your magical powers, you think you can march in here, possess anyone you want, but I bet if you hadda just come up and fight me, man to evil, I'd knock your pansy ass back to the twilight zone. It growls softly. TACK I've got jeans stronger than you. And I've got underwear that's scarier. You think you can scare me? CLOSE-UP - TACK'S FACE A darkness falls upon Tack's face, and we hear a ROAR and SCREAM of BODIES WRITHING IN CEASELESS ETERNAL AGONY so loud and frightening that the theaters won't even allow it. Tack's eyes open wide. TACK Well, apparently you do. ANGLE ON TACK He falls to the ground with a thud. Then he notices that his own dead body is there right next to him. He screams. We hear the Evil One's unholy laughter. He scrambles and pushes his body away. Then he sees Debbie's body, the real Debbie, not possessed, on the other side of him, and screams again. PULL BACK TO SHOW TACK SURROUNDED BY DEAD BODIES, AS IN HIS DREAM. He SCREAMS. ZIP FORWARD -- CLOSEUP ON TACK'S FACE It is crawling with spiders. He screams some more. TACK Spiders. SPIDERS! GET 'EM OFF ME! GET 'EM OFF ME! He struggles, screaming, and one crawls into his mouth. He gasps, and spits it out. ZIP BACK -- ANGLE ON TACK'S ENTIRE BODY COVERED WITH RATS & SNAKES He screams like a little girl, more afraid than he's been in his life. Emily, tiptoeing through the snakes, comes into view. EMILY Er, Tack, I don't know if this is the right time to tell you or not, but before, when you were bleeding all over me? I didn't like that. I don't want a boyfriend who bleeds all over me, Tack. It's just not something I do. What I mean to say is, Tack, we're not going to work as a couple. ZIP FORWARD -- CLOSEUP ON TACK'S MOUTH SCREAMING. PULL BACK TO CLOSEUP OF TACK'S FACE He blinks twice, dazed, then passes out. A blanket of sparkling darkness passes over and engulfs him. Utter blackness. ANGLE ON ERIC & TEDDY, REACTING TEDDY Holy shit, dude. FADE OUT FADE IN ON: A DARK PLACE IN HELL We open up on a CLOSEUP of Tack's face, blinking back into consciousness. He is being dragged by the feet through a very red, rocky and firy place just below Little J Superstores, where the printing press was. That's right, hell. Somehow the sword is still held in place underneath the holster on his back. REVERSE ANGLE We see a demon dragging him. ANOTHER ANGLE We see that this demon is the possessed Burt. He spits. TACK Burt, is that you? It growls and gives no answer. TACK Burt, from electronics. That's you, right? It GROWLS loud and gnashes its fangs. SIDE-VIEW, CAMERA MOVING WITH TACK AS HE'S BEING DRAGGED The Evil Tack fades in in a ghostly way. He is dressed in a nice suit and tie, and is not lit all red like the rest of the scene, actually he's lit quite normally. EVIL TACK That thing may have been Burt once, but it isn't anymore. You'll turn into something like that next. TACK Get away from me. I don't need you or your stupid inventions. EVIL TACK It worked, didn't it? TACK Yeah, it worked spiffy. That's why I saved the day, everyone survived, and I didn't wind up somewhere that looks like hell being dragged to death by a demon that used to be Burt from Electronics. EVIL TACK It's not my fault. You could have stopped the Evil One right there. You had her. But you were afraid. TACK So I was afraid! Since when is that a crime? Tack is dragged past a throng of cheering things. EVIL The waiting is done! Our time has begun! OTHER EVIL The Evil One lives! She will feast on your souls! EVILS One by one! One by one! TACK Shut the hell up! Tack's head gets bumped on a rock. And another rock. EVIL TACK You survived before because you are unafraid. These creatures feast on fear, for they are the living personification of it, drinking and breathing its adrenaline-fueling stuff. Without fear they cannot survive. Tack is dragged near a pit of coals. TACK Talk sense. You're babbling, moron. EVIL TACK [sighs] I don't even know why I bother talking to you anymore. Burt stops dragging Tack, for he's reached the end of the line. He walks away. There are flames all around. ANGLE ON PIT OF FLAMES The possessed Debbie, smiling, walks out of the flames. She actually looks rather beautiful. ANGLE ON TACK He gasps. ANGLE ON EVIL TACK He gasps too. ANGLE ON TACK, EVIL TACK, AND POSSESSED DEBBIE POSSESSED DEBBIE Are you ready to join us in our cause? EVIL TACK No he isn't. POSSESSED DEBBIE Who the hell are you? EVIL TACK I'm not sure. Kind of a possessed Jiminy Cricket, I think. POSSESSED DEBBIE Well, we can't have that. She picks up the Evil Tack easily, and tosses him into the pit of flames. He screams. He dies. TACK NO! POSSESSED DEBBIE Forget about him. Think about me. We could rule a good portion of the world together. TACK Not all of it? POSSESSED DEBBIE Don't be greedy. TACK So you're completely evil now. Nothing good left in you. POSSESSED DEBBIE Yes. It's wonderful. Join us. TACK You've given yourself up entirely to the power of evil. POSSESSED DEBBIE Yes. TACK [points] Hey look! That pop star who's popular right now! POSSESSED DEBBIE Where? BAM! He punches her, and drives her to the edge of the pit. She teeters there, dazed. He punches her again, in the face. POSSESSED DEBBIE Tack! I thought you loved me! TACK I do. But you always hurt the ones you love. His third and final punch pushes her off the edge, and she falls into darkness. Silence. Tack shrugs, turns around and walks away. Behind him, slowly, we see Possessed Debbie rise up out of the pit ... She SCREECHES and GRABS him, flying with him higher and higher, clawing at his face ... TRACKING UP FAST, CRTACKING THROUGH CEILINGS, HIGHER AND HIGHER Using Tack's head as a battering ram, she breaks through layers of soil and rock beneath the Little J Superstores, and emerges out of a new hole right next to the old one. She is still flying. The camera takes an overhead view, and spins with her ... OVERHEAD VIEW - EXT. LITTLE J ROOF - NIGHT A pause, then they CRASH THROUGH THE ROOF, Tack with bits of soil and concrete all over his dazed head. TRACK UP - FLYING - FULL MOON They fly up in front of a beautiful full moon. The Debbie-Thing loses speed, and begins to move downward ... TRACKING DOWN -- DIVE-BOMBING Tack screams -- The Debbie-Thing flips herself and him upside-down, and dive-bombs straight for the concrete pavement, Tack's head to hit first ... EXT. LITTLE J PARKING LOT - NIGHT Tack falls headfirst with a crash onto the pavement, the Debbie-Thing body-slamming him like a professional wrestler. The sword finally falls out of Tack's holster and clatters onto the ground. He sits up, dazed, unable to move much. Then he sees something next to him. TACK Debbie? ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE POSSESSED DEBBIE THERE IS NO MORE DEBBIE! SHE ROTS IN HELL! ANGLE ON TACK TACK Looks to me like she's rotting out here. POSSESSED DEBBIE HUH? ANOTHER ANGLE We see that somewhere near Tack is what appears to be the body of the real Debbie, as she looked just outside the doors of the Little J Superstores, just before she became possessed. TACK You undead bitch! You didn't steal her body at all! You just dumped it out here, like garbage! Like trash! Was my girlfriend trash? HUH? ... Don't answer that. He stands up and grabs the Possessed Debbie's jaw, forcing its mouth open. TACK Where is it? Where are you hiding her soul, damn you? VOICE OF REAL DEBBIE [faint] I don't want to be dead, Tack. Tack glares at the possessed Debbie, squeezing her throat. TACK WHERE ARE YOU HIDING HER SOUL?? It laughs at him. He screams and squeezes the possessed Debbie's throat until there' is no more throat to squeeze. Blood spills all over his hands and the Possessed Debbie's head falls off. Its body falls limply to the ground. Tack then himself falls down, crying. Something sparkles in the moonlight. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S BODY It begins to glow with an unearthly light and crack apart. It suddenly regains life, screams, struggles, and seems to be fading away. ANGLE ON THE BODY OF THE REAL DEBBIE A flash of white light. Debbie's body suddenly becomes possessed, like a marionette puppet made from a dead person. POSSESSED DEBBIE'S VOICE YOU SHALL NEVER DEFEAT US! WE CONTROL YOU FOREVER! WITHOUT HELL THERE CAN BE NO HEAVEN! FOREVER WILL THERE BE A HELL ON EARTH! ANGLE ON TACK He is crying. ANGLE ON DEBBIE'S FLOATING CORPSE There is a FLASH of WHITE LIGHT. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S HEAD It screeches. ANGLE ON TACK He looks up and behind him, and shields his eyes from the brightness of what he sees. ANGLE ON REAL DEBBIE & TACK Light is coarsing through her, out of every pore. She glows an unnatural yellow, and you seem to see right through her. She is being resurrected. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S BODY It is shaking -- the light is flowing right through her too, and is destroying her ... ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S HEAD It screeches -- light is surging from out of its eyes ... ANGLE ON REAL DEBBIE She is restored to look better than she did before. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S HEAD It screeches, and burns its eyes out into oblivion. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S BODY It explodes. ANGLE ON REAL DEBBIE & TACK She is alive. Her eyes open wide with a combination of happiness and fear. The light is burning so bright within her that it seems as if at any moment she might burst. Suddenly the light fails, and she drops limply to the ground. Tack takes her in his arms. DEBBIE I thought I'd never see you again. TACK I thought I'd never want to see you again. DEBBIE What? TACK Don't take any offense or nothin', but when you were possessed, you weren't going to win any beauty contests, that's all I'm saying. ANGLE ON POSSESSED DEBBIE'S HEAD The severed head of the possessed Debbie, bleeding on the ground, springs to life suddenly. POSSESSED DEBBIE YOU AND YOUR BITCH DEBBIE WILL ROT IN HELL! WE ARE VICTORIOUS! ALL WILL DIE! ANGLE ON TACK & DEBBIE TACK See what I mean? DEBBIE Well, we have to do something about her. I mean, we can't just leave her lying around here ... can we? Tack flips the sword out of his holster with a fancy motion. She takes it from his hand, smiling, and holds it like a pro. POSSESSED DEBBIE Slay me and ten will rise to take my place! DEBBIE Yeah, well, everything's a gamble, isn't it? She drives the sword straight into the possessed head, and splits it into muck. FADE OUT FADE IN ON: INT. LITTLE J BOOK AISLE, IN RUINS Only about three minutes have passed. We see a slow pan over the ruins of Little J Superstores. There are many dead bodies, ghostly and otherwise, and even more blackened, human-shaped stains on the ground that indicate a ghost or clerk simply disintegrated. All that are left are Teddy, Emily, Eric, and six Lost Souls. TEDDY How many dead? EMILY Too many. We see Eric, in his chair, holding a damp cloth to his nose. ERIC Dear god, what an amazingly unpleasant smell. FIRST SOUL It's impossible to identify most of the bodies. The damage done to them by the Ultimate Evil was just too great. They simply ... .. disintegrated. Tack and Debbie walk into view. EMILY Tack! You're alive! DEBBIE Relatively speaking. TEDDY No offense, old man, but we'd thought you were dead eight times over. TACK Don't believe everything you read in books. Watch movies instead. EMILY What are we going to do, Tack? TACK YOU'RE not going to do anything, Goldilocks. The evil doesn't want you. I don't even think it wanted Debbie. It wants me. I have to face it on my own. Bring me my uniform. TEDDY Your uniform? I thought you quit this place. TACK Well, maybe it didn't quit me yet. Debbie, I'm a loser. I may never get a decent acting job. And I know I'll never make a hundred grand an episode for anything. I'm an idiot who cheated on you with Lady Macbeth, and nearly got us both killed many times over. I deserve to work at a shitty place like this. Knowing all this, are you still with me? DEBBIE [smiles] Of course. TACK Then it's time for me to go and kick some evil ass. CAMERA PANS AROUND TACK A perfect quarter circle -- as it moves around his back everything goes dark -- MATCH CUT, CAMERA STILL MOVING The camera comes out of darkness still moving around Tack, and as it moves to the front of him it pulls back. In one unbroken camera movement we see him transformed, now dressed as an Little J Superstores clerk, cleaned-up and ready to fight. The First Soul approaches him with the battered human flesh sheets that comprise the Lost Pages of the Manifesto Greymalkin. He is also holding the second ice grenade. FIRST SOUL I was unable to find any copies of the paperback Manifesto Greymalkin that survived the battle. But these Lost Pages are all you need. They contain the words that will summon the beast and allow you to confront and perhaps reverse the damage it has caused. Tack snatches up the priceless pages and crumples them into his pocket. FIRST SOUL You will also need this, the second ice grenade ... TACK No. No more of that thing. I was a different person when I made that. I don't