STAN & DEADMAN'S MOVIE THING a script (c) 1999 by Garrett Gilchrist First Draft begun 10/16/99, finished 5/24/00 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 1 1 STAN You could just start it there. DEADMAN No, I don't think you could. STAN Well, you could if you wanted. DEADMAN Are we gonna start it here? ... Yeah. STAN Well, we've gotta, we can't start it that way, if you're gonna do a movie you kind of, uh, have to do it with a sense of style. DEADMAN Oh, like one of those things like Orson Welles did in Touch of Evil, with the long, complicated tracking shot that doesn't end until the whole plot's been set up. STAN We could do that, but ... DEADMAN But we don't ... STAN But we don't have time to set that up ... DEADMAN No, but, uh, we've got ... STAN We don't have ... DEADMAN We've got the camera on rails, and we can ... STAN We can dolly it ... DEADMAN We can, we can have, uh ... STAN ... have the cameraman do the running thing up to us, and then we ... DEADMAN Well, it's not exactly a great shot, I mean it's just us in a studio, anybody can do that ... STAN Anybody, not anybody. We're doing it. DEADMAN Who are we? STAN We are, well, we're two guys who've got a movie. DEADMAN Yeah, and the camera's running, and ... STAN ... people watch it ... DEADMAN ... why do people watch it? STAN Because it's on the screen. DEADMAN But if they don't want ... STAN They don't have to watch it. If they want to watch it they'll watch it. They'll watch us, right? DEADMAN What I'd like to do is say something like "welcome to the movie," right? STAN Right, but we can't do that because then we're like the hosts and not the stars. DEADMAN It isn't ... STAN It has the effect of distancing us from the audience ... DEADMAN ... who don't have to watch the movie anyway. STAN But anyway I'm Stan, and that's, that's Deadman ... DEADMAN No no no, do it right now. In a real movie you don't talk to the audience, you reveal character through dialogue. STAN Right. Uhh, nice day isn't it? DEADMAN No, you say my name, you want to, you say ... STAN ... something like ... DEADMAN ... "Hello Deadman," right? STAN Hello Deadman! DEADMAN Uh, hello Stan. Yeah, see, that's easy. And you don't break character. STAN I haven't got a character, Deadman. I'm only being myself here. DEADMAN Yeah well, that's not, I mean it's not as easy to do as ... STAN Yeah, it's tough to appear natural on the screen. DEADMAN Yeah, right, people don't realize. This is hard. STAN Yeah, right, even if you're getting paid for it. DEADMAN Yeah, right. STAN I mean, we've got a movie. DEADMAN Someone gave us a movie. STAN Yeah. The studio came up to us and said ... DEADMAN They said ... STAN Do you want to have this movie? No. DEADMAN No, that's not how it happened at all. STAN We pitched. DEADMAN That's right, we pitched it to 'em, right? STAN Right, we pitched it to 'em good. DEADMAN We told 'em, if they gave us, uh, if they gave us the movie ... STAN It'd, like, work out and all. People would watch it. And they'd make, uh ... DEADMAN They'd make their money back. STAN It's all about money, isn't it? DEADMAN Well, surely. STAN I mean, they can't ... DEADMAN Well, they can't stay in business if they're not making money, right? STAN Right, it's all business. The summer blockbusters, it's all backdoor deals, all backdoor, uh, with corporations, and things. If they, uh ... DEADMAN Yeah. STAN If they don't break a hundred mil they won't make their money back. DEADMAN Don't know how they'll make their money back with this one, eh? [laughs hoarsely] STAN Yeah. Y'think they'll still be watching at this point? DEADMAN Dunno. Maybe they'll have left by now. [pause] STAN I mean, if it's ... DEADMAN Yeah. STAN If it's just two guys, you know ... DEADMAN In the studio ... STAN Right. DEADMAN For two stinkin' hours, they won't ... STAN Well, we don't have to make it two hours. DEADMAN We don't have to make it one. STAN We don't have to make it at all. [laughs] But we want to, don't we? DEADMAN Oh yes. We're media whores. STAN I mean, there isn't ... DEADMAN No. STAN What people see is not necessarily ... DEADMAN No, it's not necessarily the same because ... STAN They twist it, they ... DEADMAN They make it the way they want it ... STAN They've got corporate agendas, the corporations, they, uh ... DEADMAN We haven't even got a script. STAN Yeah. DEADMAN I mean, people do talk like this ... STAN Some people talk like this ... DEADMAN Yeah. STAN Not too many people, but, uh ... DEADMAN We talk like this. STAN Right. DEADMAN I, well, what's wrong with this? I like this. STAN It's visually uninteresting. [pause] We're making a movie. DEADMAN Can we talk to them? STAN No. DEADMAN How can we make it visually interesting? STAN It's lacking in, uh ... DEADMAN We could use different camera angles. [cut back and forth between angles] Yeah. STAN Right. DEADMAN That doesn't help much, does it? STAN No, no it doesn't. DEADMAN Uh, well, I mean ... STAN ... you, we all mean ... DEADMAN Well, the idea isn't interesting, we don't have ... STAN We don't need ... DEADMAN Yeah. STAN We don't need an interesting, uh ... DEADMAN An interesting ... STAN We're making a movie. DEADMAN Exactly. STAN But ... DEADMAN But, uh ... STAN I mean, if you say it like that it sounds like we're not doing anything. DEADMAN Yeah. But there's this ... STAN There is a plot. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN Right, I mean, there's something about a big, a, uh, a towering ... DEADMAN A towering inferno. STAN Yeah. No. DEADMAN Right. STAN But there could be ... DEADMAN There could be, well, the problem is ... STAN The problem is that at heart we've got no interesting idea. DEADMAN And no interesting camera angle. STAN We could set the camera tracking again. DEADMAN We could track with it. STAN We could play Monopoly. [pause] Let's track with the camera. [They get up and walk. The camera follows with them.] DEADMAN The set's, uh, it's kind of ... STAN It's nice. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN No, it's big. DEADMAN I mean, I don't want to die in a fire. STAN Fire's no fun. DEADMAN Water's nice. STAN Oh, water's excellent. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN Yeah. DEADMAN But I wouldn't want to die in water either. STAN No, the set's ... DEADMAN It's, uh, it's big. STAN It's nice. But, I mean, that isn't us. DEADMAN No, there's none of us in that. STAN You just kind of have to accept that, uh ... DEADMAN Well, the budget ... STAN Yeah, the budget, I mean, for a, uh, for a movie ... DEADMAN It just kind of ... STAN A movie such as this one ... DEADMAN It just kind of goes. STAN Where does it go? It was there. Who knows where it went? DEADMAN Yeah. STAN I do. DEADMAN Right. STAN And I'll tell you why. DEADMAN I bet you won't tell me why. STAN It's that way because ... DEADMAN I'm not gonna let you tell me why. STAN Blocked at the goalpost. DEADMAN Put it up to luck. STAN We're making a movie. DEADMAN I'm in it. STAN Where does the budget go? [They are still walking, and have tracked with the camera for what seems like a mile.] DEADMAN This is a freakin' big studio, man. STAN But it isn't ... DEADMAN I know. STAN I mean, these studios exist ... DEADMAN Well, they have to. STAN Yeah. DEADMAN Otherwise they don't ... STAN I mean the movies won't get made. I mean. DEADMAN Yeah. Right. STAN If you're talking that way, that's what looks good onscreen. I mean this, the long, uh, the long tracking shot here, that's got movement in it, and someone watching that thinks "wow, that's a lot of space they're covering, then there yet, right?" DEADMAN Yeah, I mean, it works, kind of ... STAN It's better than ... DEADMAN It's better than sitting in the studio, two guys sitting in the studio ... STAN That's what they want you to think. DEADMAN Well, uh ... STAN I mean, this is cheap. It's cheap to do. DEADMAN It's not cheap to film. STAN No, it's not cheap to film anything. Film costs a stinking lot of money. And that's where the money goes, just into filming the thing. I mean, any Monkey can, uh, I mean it doesn't cost anything for the, uh, for the tracking shot ... DEADMAN Yeah. STAN Anyone can just take a camera and walk it back, whizz, wow! It doesn't take money to do that. DEADMAN It takes a rig. STAN They've got rigs, though. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN Otherwise they don't ... DEADMAN The movies don't get made. STAN They get made, but their tracking shots don't look as nice. DEADMAN The house is on fire. STAN Who's on the sixteenth story? DEADMAN Dunno. I'll read it next week. STAN They're real bastards here. [They are now outside] And you've got to adjust for lighting changes. DEADMAN Yeah, stinkin' hard stuff, that. I have great respect for lighting professionals. It's stinkin' hard to light for stinkin' film, 'cause you've stinkin' got to put up with the fact that it won't look right if you don't get it done right perfect. STAN Film stinks. DEADMAN People won't watch video. STAN They'll watch it at home. DEADMAN But not projected on a big screen. STAN Unless they're told to. DEADMAN Mm. STAN We're making a movie. DEADMAN A stinkin' terrible movie. STAN And my name's Stan. DEADMAN Ranger stinkin' Stan. STAN Don't call me that. DEADMAN Stan, Ranger Stan, heh. STAN I'm warning you, Deadman. DEADMAN He used to host a kid's show ... STAN Don't talk to the audience. DEADMAN I wasn't. He used to host this ... STAN It wasn't much of a ... DEADMAN That's how he got the movie job. It wasn't due to my talent. I can barely Talk most days. STAN Yeah, and you're not too bright either. DEADMAN Right. STAN I mean you're not too bright, messing with me. DEADMAN You want to fight then, yeah? STAN Right, sure. Why not? I mean, it'd add conflict to this pisser of a movie. DEADMAN You're a pisser of a person, yeah? STAN Piss on me. DEADMAN Lemme try and kill ya. [They fight.] STAN We're making a movie. It's got action in it. DEADMAN You made my stinkin' mouth bleed, you rat! STAN Right, so yeah if I did. DEADMAN You're such a stinkin' pisser. You're a pissin' stinker rat! STAN Stinkin' piss on you! [They fight again.] Goddamnit! War is hell! DEADMAN You mean fighting. STAN I mean, uh, ouch, stinkin' ... I don't know what I mean. DEADMAN But it's, uh, it's an anti-war message. STAN Goddamnit! DEADMAN I mean, that's kind of deep. People ought to have messages. STAN People ought to wear messages. Like stinkin' nametags. Help everyone get to know each other. DEADMAN It's degrading. STAN So is Hollywood. DEADMAN We're making a movie. STAN We're making a movie. DEADMAN We ought to be worried. STAN We're not, are we? DEADMAN We're not. We're lazy. STAN And uninteresting. DEADMAN We haven't taken the time to identify who we are exactly as human beings. STAN We can't do that, that would mean talking to the audience. DEADMAN No, we can just have ... STAN Well, we need character development. DEADMAN We need, uh, we need ... STAN More characters? DEADMAN No, don't let it get two cluttered. We've got two male leads, and, uh ... STAN Female ... DEADMAN We need a female lead ... STAN A love interest ... DEADMAN Damn, I'm always interested. STAN It's too simple. DEADMAN It's a cliche. STAN We should stay away from that. DEADMAN What we're told to do. STAN If they tell us to run, we'll walk. DEADMAN Just to show 'em. STAN If they tell us to walk, we'll run. DEADMAN Just to show 'em. STAN If they tell us to stand up, we'll sit down. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN If they tell us to walk on two legs, we'll walk on one, just to show 'em. DEADMAN Right. She can be a love interest with one leg. STAN You're off the subject. DEADMAN You're off your right mind. STAN You're boring. DEADMAN And you're ugly. STAN I am not ugly. DEADMAN Yes you are. You're ugly even on film, and everyone looks better on film. STAN Everyone but you. DEADMAN Yeah, I couldn't look better than I am, I'm perfect. STAN You're an arrogant pisser. DEADMAN I'm a media whore. STAN You'll get what's coming to you, you will. DEADMAN Ah, a plot arc for my character! Kind of negative, but I think I can play it. STAN You ought to. Save the rest of us from having to. DEADMAN If you want to write it, write it. STAN I am writing it. We're both writing it, right now. DEADMAN We are? STAN Yeah. I mean, we say something, it's in the script, just like that. DEADMAN Just like that? STAN Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, when they, they, they, when they put the thing into the book and print the book and the book is something the people read and say hey that's a book and it's on paper and everything because it's a book, I mean ... DEADMAN When they do the printed script ... STAN When they do the printed script they've gotta revise it so that it matches what the people really said in the movie, right? DEADMAN Yeah. STAN So if we say something, if we, if we say, I mean, if we say what we mean But forget it halfway through and say something else that isn't quite what we mean but sort of works as natural because it's got all the stinkin' stutters and "uh" bits in it, I mean, right, yeah? DEADMAN Yeah. So if I just say "uh, uh, uh ... uh, uh" for twenty-odd minutes, that'll get typed up by some control deck secretary and dumped into the official script? I mean ... STAN Yeah, right, why not? I mean ... well, it's a decent idea. DEADMAN It's a crummy idea. STAN A pisser. You should try it. DEADMAN I probably will. I say "uh, uh, uh ... uh, uh" a lot anyway. STAN Your mind freezes. DEADMAN As long as it works. STAN This isn't the movie. DEADMAN This is the movie. We're wasting film now, we've got to use it. I mean, we've only got enough money for the film ... STAN We've got money for ourselves. DEADMAN Not enough. STAN We got screwed. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN If we continue like this we're gonna get lost. DEADMAN I was just hoping the cameraman would get tired. [both stop] What do we do now? STAN We create tension, and a basis for the, uh, the rising action. DEADMAN Like, we do something wrong. STAN Too easy. DEADMAN We do something right. STAN Too hard. DEADMAN I like it. STAN You would. Right. DEADMAN Let's be. STAN Let's be right. DEADMAN It could be a tragedy. STAN A tragic hero needs a tragic flaw. DEADMAN You're flawed. You fit the bill. STAN Flawed in a good way, Deadman, not like you. DEADMAN We'll give it an interesting setting. STAN No money for that. DEADMAN We'll set it right here. STAN That's interesting enough for me. DEADMAN We need a title. STAN Something that'll play. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN Something fun. Like a late-night movie. DEADMAN Something they'll actually go to see. STAN No. DEADMAN Something with sex in it. STAN No, no sex, please. DEADMAN Don't be British. STAN Sex in the title? DEADMAN The Towering Porno. STAN You've outdone yourself with that one. DEADMAN I try. STAN Great goddamn. DEADMAN No, I mean, I was thinking ... STAN You weren't thinking ... DEADMAN If I was thinking, I was thinking, I think we could call it, we could call it the, uh ... STAN Yeah. DEADMAN I mean it wouldn't be so bad, would it? STAN No. I mean, we get a couple leggy dancers in the background ... DEADMAN We've got ourselves a hit. STAN It's a good title. DEADMAN What title? STAN "Raiders of the Lost Ark." DEADMAN Damned good title. STAN It's taken. DEADMAN I know. STAN If you try, uh, I mean ... DEADMAN You could do it theatrically ... STAN Ingmar Bergman in "The Seventh Seal," designed dramatically. DEADMAN Ingrid Bergman in "Casablanca," designs on Humphrey Bogart. STAN She was attractive. DEADMAN Good film, that. STAN Not so great a title. DEADMAN Well, it's a city. STAN Not too great a city. DEADMAN You shouldn't, well you shouldn't say ... STAN We don't want to offend anyone. DEADMAN They might live there. STAN Yeah. DEADMAN They might speak English. STAN It's a screwy world. DEADMAN We've been walking too long. STAN The cameraman's tired. DEADMAN I'm proud. STAN I'm ugly. DEADMAN I know. STAN Stinkin' piss-pot. DEADMAN It's a catchphrase. STAN Put it on a t-shirt. DEADMAN Sell six for a hundred dollars. STAN Stinkin' ripoff. DEADMAN It stinks. STAN Yeah. DEADMAN I'm tired. STAN Yeah. DEADMAN Let's sit down. STAN Okay. DEADMAN Let's end the scene. STAN Can we? DEADMAN Well, it's ... I don't know, but ... STAN It's our movie, we're making a movie, uh ... DEADMAN Yeah, I mean we ought to have control ... STAN If people don't like it, they can, uh ... DEADMAN Go off and screw. STAN Exactly. DEADMAN They should do that anyway. STAN Sex is good. DEADMAN The only sex we've got is in the title. STAN What is the title? DEADMAN "Casablanca." STAN Dammit. DEADMAN We need a female lead. STAN Ingrid Bergman? DEADMAN Let's go to the show. STAN That's a link to scene 2, isn't it? DEADMAN Yes, it is. STAN You're so embarrassingly obvious, Deadman. [The film visibly runs out and we see universal leader for several seconds, rattling in projector.] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2 2 [A fashionable nightclub/college auditorium. Stan, Deadman and the cameraman are sitting in metal folding chairs, with soda and large bags of popcorn.] STAN [stifling laughter] I'm going to spill my popcorn. DEADMAN [stifling laughter] Shut up. [The cameraman moves to the aisle, and zooms to the stage where PEACHIIE, an overdressed lounge lizardess with a prominent nose, is crooning.] PEACHIIE [singing] I kind of like to sing But I ain't got that much talent for it You should see me When my make-up's off! [Applause. STAN and DEADMAN call for an encore. Applause stops abruptly, and the audience refolds their chairs.] DEADMAN I mean, it's silly ... STAN It's a bad joke ... DEADMAN It's satire. STAN It may be unintentional. DEADMAN It's brilliant. STAN If you take it that way. DEADMAN She's terrible. STAN But maybe in a good way. DEADMAN I can't tell. STAN It's unrealistic, like ... I mean, just a joke ... DEADMAN She could be brilliant. STAN She could stink. DEADMAN If you like that kind of thing. STAN We should talk to her. [They walk straight forward, pushing all the chairs aside with brute force, and climb up onto the stage. PEACHIIE is removing a mouse from her hair. She looks at them. They smile, and she pushes them off the stage.] DEADMAN She's forceful. STAN I like her. DEADMAN She could be our female lead. STAN She stinks. DEADMAN She's horrible. STAN We should talk to her. [They climb back up on the stage.] DEADMAN Hello. STAN Hi. [She pushes them off the stage again. They struggle this time, and don't fall completely. They stand up again.] Talk to us. DEADMAN Talk to me. STAN What is your name? PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN Peach-ee-ee. STAN That's an unimpressive name. DEADMAN But yet it impresses me. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN Madness. DEADMAN She's trying to teach us something. STAN We can learn from her. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. STAN I've heard enough. DEADMAN She's terrific. STAN If you like that kind of thing. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN She doesn't have much variety in her, uh ... DEADMAN No, she doesn't say much. STAN But she makes it count. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiee. DEADMAN She should say something, uh ... STAN She could learn ... DEADMAN She should learn to say something else. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. DEADMAN Walk with us, Montpelier. STAN We're doing a tracking shot. [They all walk together, tracking through the weaving alleyways of the backstage area.] DEADMAN We're making a movie. STAN You could be in it. DEADMAN Life is peculiar. STAN She's peculiar. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN Marvelous! STAN She's great to have around, isn't she? DEADMAN Yeah, just like a parrot. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN That sentence has two "monts" in it. DEADMAN It's deep. STAN Oh, it's very deep. DEADMAN She speaks the truth. STAN I mean, it's not ... DEADMAN No, it's not a very deep kind of characterization, it's, uh ... STAN It's shallow. DEADMAN But effective. STAN She makes a point. DEADMAN Two points. STAN I'm losing my grip on reality. DEADMAN Yeah, me too. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. STAN I wish I could do that. I wish I could always, uh ... DEADMAN Always know just what to say at any given moment? STAN Yeah. DEADMAN Me too. STAN I mean, her mind just seems to, uh ... DEADMAN Well, it seems to be on autopilot ... STAN Yeah, like someone was running it and left, and now it'll work without any fuss about keeping it ... PEACHIIE THE CAPITOL OF VERMONT IS MONTPELIER. STAN Crikey. DEADMAN She's intelligent. STAN She's an idiot savant. PEACHIIE I am not an idiot. DEADMAN It speaks! STAN It was a compliment. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN I bet they were nicer to you than we're being. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. I am not an idiot. STAN I'm sensing a trend here. [They are now outside.] We're making a movie. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN My parents called me Robert. Everyone else called me Deadman. Still do. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. I am not an idiot. STAN Is Peachiie really your real name? PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. It's my stage name. DEADMAN What's your real name? PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN That's a non-sequitur. DEADMAN She's creepy. PEACHIIE I am not an idiot. STAN I didn't say you were! PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. It's my stage name. My real name is Barbara. DEADMAN That's with a capital B, right? No extra letters? PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN She's witty. PEACHIIE I am not an idiot. [DEADMAN laughs] My parents called me Peachiie. It's my stage name. My real name is Barbara. The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. I am not an idiot. Are you quite done making fun of me? [pause] My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN I think she's a robot. PEACHIIE It's my stage name. STAN You mean, like, an android? PEACHIIE My real name is Barbara. DEADMAN I dunno. Maybe she's got cyborg parts, like the Bionic Woman. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN Is it? PEACHIIE I am not an idiot. DEADMAN Maybe she's got, uh, a kind of cyborg brain. PEACHIIE Are you quite done making fun of me? STAN Yes. PEACHIIE All right, then we can talk. DEADMAN [laughs hoarsely] Great! Talk to us. Tell us everything you know. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. It's my stage name. STAN Like beating your head against a brick wall, isn't it? DEADMAN Yes. PEACHIIE My real name is Barbara. STAN I'm Stan. PEACHIIE Nice to meet you. DEADMAN I think I'm beginning to understand this game. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is ... STAN/DEADMAN MONTPELIER! PEACHIIE Montpelier. [STAN and DEADMAN laugh] I am not an idiot. Are you quite done making fun of me? All right, then we can talk. My parents called me Peachiie. It's my stage name. My real name is Barbara. Nice to meet you. The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. I slept in a cardboard box last night. [pause] I am not an idiot. STAN [suddenly a bit sad] No. No, you aren't. DEADMAN Come on Peachiie. Sing us a funny song. PEACHIIE Are you quite done making fun of me? STAN You know we are. PEACHIIE All right, then we can talk. DEADMAN Don't TALK, Peachiie, sing! PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. It's my stage name. My real name is Barbara. STAN All right, Barbara. Sing us a song. PEACHIIE Okay. [singing] Come on, we'll set your blood to boil Come join the confederation You'll find out what you're fighting for When you fight your own nation Forget your home, forget your family There's guns and blood and guts and death to see And every wednesday the admission's free Come eat some fish! DEADMAN Brilliant! I mean that! PEACHIIE Nice to meet you. [During all this, the gruff, fashionable man who owns the nightclub/auditorium/chain theater has approached from behind.] THEATER OWNER Come on, Peachiie, stop mixing with the common folk. You've got another show to do in seven minutes. [He takes her by the arm and drags her off. She seems reluctant.] PEACHIEE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. THEATER OWNER I know, I know. [They are gone. Pause.] STAN We've lost our female lead. DEADMAN I know. STAN And just when she was getting interesting. DEADMAN I know. STAN It's funny, isn't it, how you see entertainers on TV and on stage and in The movies, and, uh, idolize them and, I mean, you think you like them ... DEADMAN Even though you really know nothing about them. STAN Maybe, yeah. DEADMAN Right. STAN That doesn't mean much, does it? DEADMAN I don't think it does. I don't really know. STAN Entertainers. DEADMAN People who star in movies. STAN We're making a movie. DEADMAN We're starring in it. STAN What the hell? [pause] How did we get a movie anyway? DEADMAN How are we keeping from losing it now? STAN Well, they'll take it right back away from us when they see the footage we've shot, right Burt? DEADMAN Burt is our cameraman. STAN Don't talk to the audience, they can't talk back. DEADMAN And they shouldn't. It's not polite. STAN What a stinkin' screwy world. DEADMAN I mean, uh, well, it's not, I mean I wouldn't say it is, but ... STAN Yeah. DEADMAN I mean, people do things ... STAN Lots of things. DEADMAN Right, that they never get credit for. STAN Or blamed for. DEADMAN Blamed for, yes, but where's the credit? STAN The credit's limited. DEADMAN People break, don't they? STAN Their minds, I mean, they are mine ... DEADMAN Their minds break. STAN Well, I wouldn't say ... DEADMAN You did say. STAN I didn't! DEADMAN You did. And what's more, it isn't, I mean it isn't really ... STAN Yeah. DEADMAN You know? STAN I know exactly. DEADMAN [sighs] We should shut off the camera. We're wasting film. STAN Burt, could you ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 3 3 [The edit is as rough and obvious as possible. The film visibly runs out, and the new scene run for several seconds in a scratched-to-nothing, overexposed and shredded quality. We are back in the auditorium. Most of the chairs are folded-up and unused, but Stan and Deadman are enjoying the show. We hear similar music as before.] STAN Think he's ... DEADMAN Yeah, he has. STAN Well, there's no turning back now. DEADMAN We're making a movie. STAN We're damaging our careers. DEADMAN We have no careers to damage. PEACHIIE [singing] And beneath the twilight's silhouette I say, you ain't done no one yet You're quiet, but you've got a pretty cough Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I kind of like to sing But I ain't got that much talent for it You should see me When my make-up's off! [Very minimal applause, but Stan and Deadman cheer their brains out.] DEADMAN It's another hit. STAN It's the same hit. DEADMAN It'll serve. STAN We should storm the stage again. DEADMAN Yes. If we keep the cameras around her long enough she can still technically be our female lead. STAN Technically. DEADMAN Yeah. [They jump up on stage, the camera following them. But between them and Peachiie is a gruff manager.] MANAGER Hey hey hey there. You again, with the cameras, what do you think you're doing? DEADMAN We're coming to talk to Peachiie. STAN We're fans. MANAGER I don't believe you. STAN You promote Peachiie, aren't you a fan? MANAGER She doesn't have any fans. DEADMAN Well, that's just sad. MANAGER You aren't from one of those ... Inside Affair shows, are you? Because I ain't got no comment. STAN We're making a movie. She's in it. DEADMAN So are you, at the moment. MANAGER Well, that's pretty stupid. DEADMAN But harmless. STAN Yeah. MANAGER Right. I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate the stage. Come on, clear off, right now. DEADMAN Okay. STAN Right. DEADMAN We're nothing if not cooperative. STAN But how can we talk to Peachiie? MANAGER Nobody talks to Peachiie. She's a very sick woman. STAN What's wrong with her? MANAGER Dunno. I keep her around 'cause she still sings whatever they tell her to, but she only says two things. Her name, and the capitol of Vermont. STAN That's really all? DEADMAN She's a top-grade singin' psycho. STAN Shh. What happened to her? MANAGER What do you mean? STAN I mean, when did that all start? MANAGER Six months ago, maybe. Her parents got killed in a flash fire at a mattress factory, up in Vermont. Since then she walks 'round in a daze. DEADMAN Er, if I can butt in for a second, uh, where does she, you know ... ? STAN Where does she sleep? MANAGER Beats me. I guess she's got her own place. She doesn't sleep here. DEADMAN Well, thank you. You've been unnervingly helpful. STAN Yes. We'll be leaving now. [pause. They leave. The camera follows them outside. So does Peachiie.] DEADMAN Callous bastard. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. STAN Great stinkin' fishballs, it's you! DEADMAN Wait, that isn't your next line. You're supposed to talk about the cardboard, uh, you know, where you sleep. PEACHIIE My mind's wiped clean after every performance. STAN That's sad. DEADMAN That's strange. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. DEADMAN We heard about your parents. STAN We're sorry. PEACHIIE It isn't your fault. My parents called me Peachiie. My mind's wiped clean after every performance. The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. It isn't your fault. STAN Geez, Barbara, I wish your mind worked. DEADMAN Yeah. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN We talked to that guy. STAN Your manager. DEADMAN I think he's your manager. PEACHIIE My mind's wiped clean after every performance. STAN He told us you could only say two things, and that's not true. Do you ever try to talk to him? PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN I mean, if you needed help, we could help you. DEADMAN Yeah, we're gonna be famous movie stars. PEACHIIE It isn't your fault. STAN We're making this movie, because we had enough money for film and some time to kill. DEADMAN We also have a cameraman named Burt. STAN We want to be famous. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN The movie isn't any good so far. STAN I don't even know if it ever could be. PEACHIIE My mind's wiped clean after every performance. STAN What does that mean, exactly? How can you wipe out a mind? PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN That's your answer. DEADMAN I mean, we've both had problems too. Stan used to be a kids' show host in Seattle. They called him Ranger Stan. He was on at 5:00 AM, and he used to do bits with puppets. STAN That's enough, Deadman. DEADMAN I'm just telling her! He had one called Senor Gazpacho, who was a Mexican stereotype frog. And he had this big stick that he used to hit Paulina Possum with, over and over and over again. STAN She had it coming. DEADMAN One day he hit her a bit too hard, and did some other things to her too. Parents complained, and he got kicked off the air. STAN The bitch had it coming, I tell you! PEACHIIE It isn't your fault. STAN He's dredging up old wounds. I get angry. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. STAN I mean, let's not forget Mr, Perfect here's little motoring excursion. DEADMAN That's enough, Stan. STAN Was it really an accident, or did you just fall asleep at the wheel? Can you even remember any of it now? DEADMAN I SAID, that's ENOUGH, Stan! [pause] STAN We've all got problems. PEACHIIE My mind's wiped clean after ever performance. STAN I'm sorry. DEADMAN Life is strange. STAN Yeah. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN Yeah. DEADMAN Right. PEACHIIE Would you show me where you live? STAN [laughs] Are you getting all this, Burt? BURT No. [The camera shuts off.] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 4 4 [The edit is again very obvious and the sound judders for a second. We hear the sounds of raucous singing and a piano in the background. The camera is looking around STAN'S APARTMENT, specifically at a small dry-erase noteboard on which is written "NUMBER OF DAYS UNTIL STAN BECOMES FAMOUS: 1082." The camera pans over an apartment covered with movie posters, and pizza, very clean otherwise. Finally we see PEACHIIE sitting on top of a piano which STAN is playing, and playing his heart out at that. DEADMAN is there with a can of soda in his hand, and all of them are singing loudly.] PEACHIIE/STAN/DEADMAN [tune of "That's Entertainment"] Bores See them scoring with whotes Scary folks With their bad hair and jokes Soon you'll see Where we all soon will be In entertainment Loot From a studio suit Paid his cash But it wasn't a smash It was dire So they've lit it on fire THAT'S ENTERTAIN-MENT! [The song stops, and STAN improvises a further little ditty for a few seconds. Everyone is laughing.] DEADMAN You're a damned fine singer, you know that Peachiie? STAN It's just like this thing you do. DEADMAN Yeah, everybody's got to have a thing. STAN But you've got this thing, and you're actually good at it, you know? DEADMAN Yeah, not like Stan and me. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. STAN We want to make a movie, that's our thing. DEADMAN But it's a thing we're not very good at, even though ... STAN Even though it's ours. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. DEADMAN That guy we met once, he had a thing he did. STAN What guy? DEADMAN That guy who did that thing that time. STAN You mean ... DEADMAN Yeah, the guy on the street with the -- STAN Monkey, right? DEADMAN Yeah, he had a monkey. That was something he had. STAN Geez, I'd forgotten all about that monkey. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. STAN There was this guy on the street, right? And he had this thing he did, where he'd take this monkey, this little thing, one of those -- DEADMAN Capuchins. STAN Capuchin monkeys, right? And he'd do this really weird thing. DEADMAN I mean, yeah. Wow. It was ... STAN When he'd stick the monkey down his throat -- DEADMAN Down his ... yeah. STAN Oh man, I could have died. DEADMAN The monkey could have too. STAN But it didn't, it was just -- DEADMAN It was all right, I mean, the monkey was perfectly fine with the whole thing. STAN It just came out and did its little ... DEADMAN It was getting paid, you know. STAN And it was smiling, the guy was ... DEADMAN The monkey was all smiling and happy. STAN Happy. Yeah. ... Kind of weird, wasn't that? DEADMAN Yeah, that guy was. STAN I mean, now that we think back on it. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. DEADMAN But if you're thinking of monkeys, I mean they're our relatives ... STAN They'll do anything. DEADMAN Yeah. STAN They're game. DEADMAN Gamey. STAN Gamey too, they do smell bad, I mean you shouldn't -- DEADMAN Shouldn't stick them down your -- STAN You shouldn't hold that against them. DEADMAN I mean they are just monkeys. STAN But now monkeys have done -- DEADMAN They've done a lot for society. STAN I mean, they're not stupid. DEADMAN Not that stupid, anyway. STAN Yeah. Like some of them have been very successful, in the movies and all that, like that one monkey, what was his name? DEADMAN ... Keanu Reeves? STAN No, it was a monkey's name. PEACHIIE Do you have a bathtub? [Pause.] DEADMAN Yes. STAN Yes, we do. I'm sorry Peachiie, you must be feeling awful after sleeping out on the street. DEADMAN Without any ... STAN Without the proper, I mean ... DEADMAN Just without. STAN We're sorry. PEACHIIE It's not your fault. The capital of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN I know exactly what you mean. DEADMAN What you need is the proper continental ... STAN If you were to take a shower, or a ... DEADMAN Bath. She said she wanted a bath. STAN I know. DEADMAN And we'd give you a nice ... STAN Some food, we'd give you food, something better than pizza anyway. DEADMAN Nothing wrong with pizza. STAN It's not exactly gourmet, I mean it's ... DEADMAN It's nature's most perfect food, quite possibly. STAN Exactly, I mean, yeah. DEADMAN Right. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. Do you have a bathtub? It's not your fault. [PEACHIIE smiles. STAN smiles back and leads her to the bath.] STAN Just relax, Peachiie. You'll be safe here. PEACHIIE The capital of Vermont is Montpelier. [She closes the door, and we stay outside with STAN and DEADMAN. We hear water running. STAN wipes his brow, presses his back against the door and slides down it in an exhausted way, ending up sitting straight up on the floor. DEADMAN sits down on a ratty old couch and chows down on a pizza.] DEADMAN That woman is something. STAN Yeah, she's something. DEADMAN You know what the problem is, don't you? STAN Probably. DEADMAN The problem is we don't know what kind of something she is. STAN Do you ever worry about losing your soul, Deadman? DEADMAN Me? [snorts in laughter] Think about who you're asking that to, Stan. STAN I withdraw the question. But I mean for someone who's still got a soul, right? DEADMAN Right, yeah. STAN What if something got screwed up somewhere? DEADMAN Where? STAN Inside, you know. DEADMAN Medically. STAN No, not medically, spiritually. DEADMAN Not religiously. STAN Spiritually. I mean, if you believe in the human spirit, the human soul, everyone's got just one soul, that's what finishes us, makes us complete as human beings. DEADMAN Yeah. Right. STAN So what if a person's soul gets damaged somehow? And they have to keep on living without it? What if you had to go on as an unfinished person? DEADMAN I'm guessing it would kind of suck. STAN Something like that, yeah. DEADMAN Thankfully no one actually believes in or cares about that kind of stuff. Not really anyway. STAN Yeah. Thankfully. DEADMAN Oh, don't look so glum, Stan. She's talented, not completely ugly, doesn't exercise her own opinion, and she's yours for the night. What could be better? STAN Shut the fuck up, Deadman. [We hear PEACHIIE start singing in the bath. It is an original composition, tunefully tuneless. The sound echoes in a strangely beautiful way.] DEADMAN You know what your problem is, Stan? You haven't had a good layover since your wife left you in Seattle. STAN The man I was then doesn't exist anymore. I try to remember what he was like, and you know what? I don't understand a thing he says or does. I mean, I look in the mirror, and I'm finally starting to recognize myself. The man I used to be is gone, and good riddance to him. DEADMAN She's singing. STAN Yes. DEADMAN About all she does really. [Stan shrugs.] DEADMAN Nice tune, though. STAN Do you think she's finished with life? DEADMAN What kind of a question is that? STAN Just answer the question. Do you think she's finished with life? DEADMAN I have no opinion. How can I have? STAN Of course you have an opinion Deadman. I can see it in your hollow little eyes. You always have an opinion about things like this, and this time I'm not going to let you follow that opinion. DEADMAN You're a rude son of a bastard tonight, Stan. STAN And you're bad at playing dumb. DEADMAN Okay, so maybe she is finished with life, I don't know, I'd have to ask her. STAN You say word one to her and it's going to be the last thing you say here. DEADMAN Idle threats. My favorite. STAN Shut up and finish your pizza. [Deadman shrugs and does just that. Peachiie's singing echoes everywhere. Stan rolls his head back and simply listens.] STAN Just listen to that. Does that sound like someone with no life in them? DEADMAN [looking at pizza] You ordered half with mushrooms again, didn't you? You bastard. STAN Don't call me a bastard. DEADMAN Now I'm going to have to pick them off. [DEADMAN picks at his pizza.] STAN Oh, dear. DEADMAN Well, it's what you are, isn't it? STAN What? DEADMAN A bastard. STAN I told you not to call me that. DEADMAN I'm only trying to tell the truth. STAN Well, stop trying so hard. [We hear PEACHIIE's singing grow louder, with lyrics, as the water runs.] PEACHIIE [distantly] Inside every little crack beside the sidewalk A very tiny garden must grow And somewhere in the park as you and I walk There are things that you and I can never know Like what is love? and what is cheese? With ignorance we'd be at ease But still the questions come and we must follow As we ceaselessly cease living in tomorrow Inside every little crack beside the sidewalk Another story's told and then forgotten Inside every little crack beside the sidewalk An apple grows quite ripe before it's rotten [She continues, humming.] STAN I'm not going to let you take her away, Deadman. [Deadman shrugs and eats his pizza. No one says anything for a while.] BURT Hey, are you guys all right? DEADMAN Yeah, we're fine. STAN Shut the camera off, Burt. BURT Okay, but I don't think ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 5 5 [The edit is appallingly obvious as usual. We are still in STAN'S APARTMENT, in an empty part of it, though. We hear the sound of a TV running and PEACHIIE laughing somewhere in the distance. The camera moves toward the sound and we see PEACHIIE, STAN and DEADMAN sitting down on a battered old couch watching one of Stan's old "Ranger Stan" tv shows. PEACHIIE is dressed in a bathrobe and her hair is wet. She is drinking tea from a mug and laughing.] VOICE OF TV STAN All this and tv weatherman Carl Brodax, today on Ranger Stan's Funhouse! PEACHIIE You look so silly there! STAN [embarrassed] Okay, this isn't necessary. DEADMAN Of course it is. This is you at your best, Stan. VOICE OF TV SINGERS Ranger Stan Ranger Stan With a smile and a puppet in his hand Ranger Stan Doesn't drive a van He drives far In a car Not a van He drives a car and not a van 'Cause he's a car-drivin' man, Ranger Stan [Peachiie laughs. Stan just stares at himself in disbelief. The camera moves around so that we can see what's on the tv set too. The TV STAN is dressed a bit like the Lone Ranger. Not really, though.] TV STAN Okay, kids, this is our eighth show of the season, and you know what that means! Well, okay, maybe you don't, but it means an eighth-episode FOOD FIGHT! Unfortunately, I don't see anyone here to fight with, and I don't want to fight with myself, but ... oh no, it's Sister Skunk! [On TV STAN's right hand is a puppet, a skunk in a nun's outfit ... with that hand TV STAN is holding a pie. He creams himself with it in the face and makes Sister Skunk laugh and pray. TV STAN sneezes.] TV STAN [high-pitched voice] Bless you, my son. [normal voice] Oh, that sister Skunk is a wily critter, when she gets out. All right, now my face is covered in pie so we're going to have to pay a visit to Mr. Sink ... [The camera moves back to the real STAN, PEACHIIE and DEADMAN on the couch. PEACHIIE is relaxed and enjoying herself. STAN isn't. PEACHIIE laughs. DEADMAN is holding the remote.] STAN Well, thank you Deadman for showing her these, now I'm about as embarrassed as I can possibly be. PEACHIIE No, they're great. You were very charming. STAN I just realized -- you're talking normally, Peachiie! PEACHIIE Yeah, that bath really made me feel human again. Thank you. [STAN smiles wide.] STAN You're welcome. PEACHIIE No, I mean it. It's been a long time since I've felt at all ... normal. Thank you for a wonderful night, Stan. STAN But I didn't do anything, I just gave you a place to be for the night. PEACHIIE Yes. Thank you. DEADMAN Hey, are you two gonna chatter on or are you gonna watch the show? STAN I vote for chatter. DEADMAN But there's one very special episode you haven't seen yet, Peachiie. Just let me fast-forward. [Deadman hits fast-forward] STAN Please, Deadman, just stop this. DEADMAN Nope. Not until she sees your very last episode. The episode that got you canned. STAN Deadman, no. PEACHIIE What happened in your last episode? DEADMAN [laughs] Oh, not much, just a little glimpse of Stan as he really is. STAN No. That's enough, Deadman. This has gone too far already. PEACHIIE Oh, don't get so uptight, Stan. You have to relax. STAN You don't understand, Peachiie. That show was taped at a very difficult Time in my life. DEADMAN Almost there ... PEACHIIE You know, maybe we shouldn't watch this after all, I mean, if it's bothering you that much, Stan. DEADMAN Too late. [The TV sound comes back on. The camera whips around to see what's on the screen. The TV STAN has apparently not shaved or slept in three days. He looks terrible. There is death in his eyes. His voice cracks as he speaks] TV STAN Hi, kids. I'm Ranger Stan, and today we're gonna have FUN FUN FUN, and do you know why? Because Ranger Stan's gone wacky today, it's a great big ole wacky day for Ranger Stan because the Queen of Make-Believe left Ranger Stan a couple of days ago, and took his son, the house, the van. She took everything, actually, everything but the car. I'm living in my car now, kids. I'm living in a goddamn car. I haven't slept a wink in three days, and I haven't been eating much either. PEACHIIE Oh my god. TV STAN So we're gonna have FUN FUN FUN today, FUN FUN FUN with Senor Gazpacho and that tarted-up bitch Paulina Possum, we're gonna have FUN FUN FUN because Ranger Stan just doesn't care anymore! [we can hear that he is on the verge of tears, or a plain old nervous breakdown] Can you roll the damn titles, Burt? Can you roll 'em? For god's sake, I don't get any help or support ... [The theme tune cuts in. We move the camera around to PEACHIIE, shocked. STAN is wide-eyed and not moving.] PEACHIIE My god, Stan. I had no idea ... STAN I thought I'd forgotten. The videotape brings it all back. [He starts shaking.] STAN Why did she have to do it? What went wrong to make her treat me that way? What kind of person was I then? What kind of MONSTER was I to deserve that? What happened between us, between me and anybody? What happened to the world? Why did it have to happen? Why? Why? [He seizes up and slides off the couch.] PEACHIIE Stan! Are you all right? STAN [softly, laughing] I'm Ranger Stan. I drive a car and not a van. PEACHIIE Stan! Snap out of it, Stan! [She tries to shake him back to consciousness.] DEADMAN I'm sorry. I thought it would be good for a joke. STAN See, 'cause I'm a ... a ... PEACHIIE STAN! STAN 'Cause I'm a car-drivin' man, Ranger ... Stan. [The camera falls to the ground as BURT runs to try and help Stan.] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 6 6 [Another obvious edit. We are back on the couch. The camera is steady.] DEADMAN I'm sorry. STAN Go fuck yourself. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. STAN Now she's gone away again. DEADMAN It wouldn't have lasted anyway, you know that. She's not finished. She's not a complete person. STAN I hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my soul. What's left of my soul, anyway. DEADMAN You don't hate me. You just hate what I represent. STAN No, I just hate you. DEADMAN You have to accept your place in the universe, Stan. I mean, sure things are all right, things work for a while, maybe you get to fall in love, fall out of love, get a tv show, make a movie, fall in love again for half a day, but eventually we all find ourselves right back where we started. STAN You're an asshole. I thought we were partners in this. We were going to do something right for once. We were gonna finish it. DEADMAN It's too late now. We can't be partners if we're not working on the same plane. And my plane isn't here. STAN It's lost on the ... DEADMAN Lost on the runway, yeah. STAN You don't get her. DEADMAN It's not her they want. STAN I want to just sit here and talk to someone for a while longer, talk with her, hell, I'd even talk to you. We were friends once. DEADMAN We still are friends. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. STAN Peachiie, I want to help you. I want to be there for you. I don't want you to go through life like this. I just want you to go through life. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. DEADMAN She's gone, Stan, accept it. On some level she's been gone for a long time. STAN She was here! She was on that couch, laughing! She had a soul, and you crushed it. DEADMAN I didn't do anything. All I did was show her who you really were. [STAN jumps off the couch and punches DEADMAN flat in the face.] DEADMAN Oh, so that's the way it's going to be, is it? [STAN punches DEADMAN again. DEADMAN stands up, and STAN knocks him down again. Then DEADMAN gets angry and beats the livng hell out of STAN. STAN fights back. The two fight.] PEACHIIE [screams] MY PARENTS CALLED ME PEACHIIE !!! [They stop fighting and look at Peachiie in shock. She stands up, with anger in her eyes.] PEACHIIE THE CAPITOL OF VERMONT IS MONTPELIER. STAN I'm sorry, Peachiie. DEADMAN No, I'm sorry, Stan. I was trying to make it easier on you two, and I guess I screwed up bigtime. STAN Easier? You think it's easy? You think it's ever easy? PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN No, it wasn't easy. Not for me, and it won't be easy for you. I'm sorry, Stan. I guess there's a lot I need to learn about compassion. STAN I'm not going anywhere, Deadman. PEACHIIE The capitol of Vermont is Montpelier. DEADMAN It's not your choice, Stan. Just like it wasn't mine. When it's time for you to go, you just have to go. There's no arguing about it. I thought you'd rather have a friend there by your side than someone you didn't know. PEACHIIE My parents called me Peachiie. DEADMAN YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD, BARBARA! [long pause. PEACHIIE begins to cry.] DEADMAN I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. PEACHIIE No, you're right. I think I'd been trying to forget so much that I wasn't able to do anything else. DEADMAN I think maybe I'd been doing the same thing. STAN Peachiie ... PEACHIIE It's all right. And call me Barbara. STAN Barbara ... PEACHIIE I think I need a hug right now. [STAN and PEACHIIE hug.] DEADMAN Stan, I have to go back. STAN [still hugging PEACHIIE] Go back where? DEADMAN I think you know where. STAN We never finished the movie we were making, the ... DEADMAN The Towering Porno, yeah, I know. [laughs] You know, this was fun, actually, Stan. I'm sorry for being a jerk, but thanks for making me feel ... STAN Crappy. DEADMAN Alive. STAN Alive again. DEADMAN For a little while, anyway. [Stan breaks his embrace with PEACHIIE, shakes Deadman's hand and gives a mock salute.] STAN Goodspeed, soldier. On into the ether. DEADMAN Ah, the devil ether. Makes you behave like a drunk in some early Irish novel. PEACHIIE Stan, is it okay if I sleep here tonight? I don't want to go back to that cardboard box I had in the alley. STAN Barbara, no cardboard box. Not ever again. You're definitely staying here. At least until you can get a nice apartment of your own. [DEADMAN has moved to the doorway of the apartment, and turns around, backlit, looking more silhouetted than usual. A light flickers behind him.] DEADMAN Stan, I'm leaving now. STAN All right, Deadman. Have a good time wherever you're going. DEADMAN Stan, they don't want me to go alone. STAN Well, you're just going to have to tell them that ... DEADMAN I can't. I can't tell them anything. No one can. STAN But it's not my time yet! DEADMAN Stan, we have to go. STAN I'm not going. DEADMAN Stan, it's time. STAN It is not! DEADMAN Please, Stan, don't make this harder than it already is! PEACHIIE What's going on, Stan? STAN Someone's calling me. PEACHIIE From where? I don't hear anything. DEADMAN Stan, there isn't much time. STAN I'm sorry, Deadman. You'll just have to go on without me. DEADMAN I can't! You don't understand, Stan! It's all over! You did it to yourself eight days ago, by accident. Stan, you slipped on a bit of wet tile in the kitchen. [STAN's forehead begins to bleed. We see an identical spot of blood in his kitchen area.] STAN After all this? After all I lived for, all I built, all I lost, all I achieved, that's the best you can do? I SLIPPED ON THE FUCKING KITCHEN TILE? DEADMAN That's what they tell me, Stan. STAN Well, they're wrong. DEADMAN They're never wrong. STAN Of course they're wrong! If they're right, why didn't I find out about this little error eight days ago, huh? PEACHIIE Stan, you're bleeding ... DEADMAN You wanted to shoot yourself, that day in Seattle. You were practically dead then, Stan. [For the first time, we see a gun holstered by STAN's side.] DEADMAN You thought you'd lost the right to it. Why are you holding on so tightly now? [We see a second STAN, a very dead STAN, sprawled in a pool of blood where he fell on the kitchen tile. PEACHIIE screams and runs to him.] PEACHIIE STAN! STAN! Oh my god! [We pan over to where STAN was, and he has disappeared. PEACHIIE is crying, holding STAN's dead body, blood pouring from its cracked-in skull.] DEADMAN You've made the right decision, Stan. [The original STAN, bathed in white light, is now walking toward the doorway.] STAN I'll go quietly now, Deadman. I don't want to interfere. Just promise me you won't take her away, that you'll let her live, because she deserves it. DEADMAN I'm sorry, Stan. I can't promise that. [STAN stops walking.] STAN That's what I thought you'd say. [He pulls the gun from his side and fires three times into DEADMAN's heart. But DEADMAN isn't there. After a moment, neither is STAN. We hear PEACHIIE scream and pan over to her. She covers her ears. The dead body of STAN is sprawled across her lap. Suddenly STAN's dead body gasps for air.] PEACHIIE STAN! Stan, you're alive! [He gasps and spits out blood.] PEACHIIE Stan, you're hurt very bad. We have to take you to the hospital. STAN Peachiie ... Barbara ... you'd save my life? PEACHIIE Of course. Of course. You did the same to me, all those months ago. I think you may have saved my life. I mean, if I hadn't met you, where would I be? STAN Living in a cardboard box in an alley? PEACHIIE Well, I wouldn't go that far. Come on, you have to stand up. [He gasps, and she helps him to his feet, mopping blood off his forehead with a paper towel.] PEACHIIE What happened, anyway? STAN I think I just ... slipped and fell on the tile. PEACHIIE I thought I heard gunshots. STAN Put it out of your mind. I think things are going to be all right for a while. PEACHIIE But you might have a concussion or something, I mean, it looks serious, I thought I'd ... STAN Lost me ... PEACHIIE Lost you there for a minute! STAN Yeah, well, it happens. PEACHIIE It happens? [They are walking out the door, PEACHIIE helping STAN stay upright.] STAN Hey, do you remember that movie I did when I was in college? PEACHIIE You mean, the one with the guy who died? The one you never got to finish? STAN Yeah. I miss him. I always wish we'd been able to get that one done with. A movie without an ending can kind of haunt you. PEACHIIE People go away sometimes, Stan. But as long as they're in your heart life can go on. STAN Well, just don't you go anywhere. [The door shuts, and they are gone. After a pause, the camera turns around and walks until it reaches a mirror. DEADMAN is in it, laughing.] DEADMAN Well, I mean, if you had a happy ending, you could just have them walk off into the sunset, and ... [laughs] ... Are we gonna end it here? ... Yeah. [The camera shuts off.] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- E N D 1 3